Did I make the right decision in breaking up with my bipolar girlfriend?

August 2, 2015 9:59 AM

I know that there have been other threads posted about this issue, but I hopefully can get some advice to help me keep my head on straight. I ended things last week with a girl that was diagnosed with being bipolar at a young age. We only dated a little over a month but we spent so much time together that it feels like half a year. She's currently not on medication and she's been separated from her husband for a year. Did I make the right decision?

She told me that she was bipolar after about 4 dates and after what I later discovered was an episode at my house. Before she told me, I just thought that she was being immature due to the fact that she's 8 years younger. She also admitted that she was no longer taking medication because it didn't allow her to drink as much. She drinks every day. At night, if I wasn't sleeping over at her house, it seemed as though she would get angry at me through text and get mean for no reason. Eventually, I would ignore her angry texts so that I could go to sleep. She would be very apologetic in the morning and I was forgiving since I knew that she didn't really mean the words from the night before. Also, she's been in some bad relationships in the past so I wasn't sure if her behavior is just remnants from that.

I believe that I am to blame too for not sticking to my boundaries. The relationship quickly got to the point where I wasn't expressing my space boundaries simply because I wanted to avoid making her sad or unhappy. She seemed as though she constantly needed contact and would need constant reassurance. It didn't matter if I was at work or not, she would text and call and get upset if I was unable to respond within an hour. I'm not sure if her clingy behavior was due to her age or due to the disease. It reached the point where I wasn't able to go to the gym anymore and my dog was being neglected at home because I was always with her. After I told her that I needed to go home for a bit to take care of my dog and run some errands, she would agree but then she would quickly make me feel guilty about leaving. I found that it was easier to ignore my own needs and stay with her in order to avoid a stream of text messages that would just end up making me feel guilty. I wanted to please her as it's in my nature to try to make the people I care about happy.

She is also extremely sensitive to the things that I say. Meaning, if I was even a little under the weather or tired after work and not overly happy then she would say that I was grumpy and she would start to get upset, thinking that I didn't love her the same.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking for a very long-term relationship. I do like certain things about her. She's creative, very intelligent, beautiful, and I believe that she means well. She laughs at my jokes and is very grateful and appreciative for me when I'm helping her do things around her house. She's highly functional and has a very successful job and she's able to budget her money. Unfortunately, she doesn't really express how she feels about me until her back is up against the wall and we are breaking up. We've come to breaking up about 3 times in the past month. I feel as though she only expresses her emotions through texting but when I'm with her in person she is more stand-offish. She suffers from a low self-esteem as well as being bipolar. I believe that she may have some childhood abandonment issues.

I believe that I intuitively know that this relationship wasn't the right thing. And writing all of this helps me to remember all of the red flags. But it's still incredibly hard to not contact her. I miss her dearly and I'm not sure if that's because she is the one or if it's because we spent so much time together and experienced so many emotional highs and lows.

I also feel as though I have lost my objectivity in regards to this relationship which is why I'm posting here. I was very strong and I knew what I wanted from a relationship prior to meeting her. Now, only a month later, I feel as though I am unable to tell what is acceptable and what is not. I fell for her quickly and I need help figuring out the right thing to do. I feel as though I am starting to question my own sanity.

After we broke up, she texted me about 40 times without a response from me. She said a lot of sweet things and she said things that make me think that I'm her soul mate. Finally, she sent me a text saying that she had made a doctor's appointment and that she is going to get back on her medicine. I guess that's why I'm feeling as though there still might be a chance at being with her. However, I don't know how committed she will be to her medicine, to therapy, or to not drinking (if she's even considering not drinking...I'm not sure). I also don't have a strong sense of whether or not the things I didn't like about her are from her being bipolar or if they are actually "her". I don't know if her plan to get back on her medicine is going to make a difference.

posted by TurboNerd to Human Relations (34 answers total)

She also admitted that she was no longer taking medication because it didn't allow her to drink as much. She drinks every day.

No good will ever come of this. Better to leave now.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 10:03 AM on August 2, 2015 [49 favorites]

No, you made the right decision. In fact, you so clearly made the right decision that I think a little introspection is in order so that you can figure out why it isn't clear to you that this was the right decision. Do you like a lot of intense drama in your life?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 10:04 AM on August 2, 2015 [41 favorites]

You were together a month and it wasn't working. No big deal.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:07 AM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

She also admitted that she was no longer taking medication because it didn't allow her to drink as much. She drinks every day.

I read the rest of your post, but can say this alone is reason to break up with someone.

If someone is sick and knows they need medication to stay well, but makes the choice not take said meds because it limits they're drinking, then they're not taking care of themselves and putting unneccesary stress on the relationship and their partner. Far better to break up with them and preserve your own sanity and well being.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:08 AM on August 2, 2015 [21 favorites]

So many red flags you could speak exclusively in semaphore from now on. And this is only a month in. This is the kind of relationship you run not walk from.
posted by MsMolly at 10:13 AM on August 2, 2015 [26 favorites]

The medication thing jumped out at me, too.

There's a saying: "It's not his/her fault, but it is his/her responsibility" when it comes to a partner's mental illness. It sounds like she hasn't really owned this and that the disorder became an excuse for some pretty unacceptable, controlling behavior. A lot of people with bipolar disorder would have handled themselves more appropriately than it sounds like she did.

For future reference, stuff like this is a good reason not to rush things, and why pressing to rush things is a red flag in and of itself.
posted by alphanerd at 10:17 AM on August 2, 2015 [18 favorites]

Well, look, it definitely sounds like you made the right decision to walk away. This wasn't going to work as things were going. The end.

Now, you kind of buried the lede. If you love her and want things to work, then the fact that she's going to see her doctor and start taking her medication is a big deal. It's almost certainly the only thing that could give me pause and make me think, hey, there's a chance things could work out.

So, I say it's up to you. If you don't want to resume your relationship, great. You don't have any obligation to do so. You dated for a month, which is not that long, and your relationship wasn't that great. That's more than enough reason to say it's over. But, okay, if you really want things to work if they can, well, this is a big step and you're totally justified in giving it one more chance to see how things go. Your call.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:18 AM on August 2, 2015

Breaking up was the right decision. A person with a serious health issue who is foregoing necessary medication in favor of drinking, who only resumes medication in the hopes of getting you back. The behavior you describe is manipulative and immature - that will not magically vanish with medication. And 40 texts without a response (after a month of dating) is pretty damn stalkerish.

As best as I can tell, you are reconsidering the relationship because you feel guilty. That's a shitty reason to be in a relationship. The fact that you did like some things about her points to you being a human being able to see that other human beings are complex - that is also not a reason to get back together. I know some very undatable people (to me) who have some wonderful qualities.

In short: breaking up was the right thing. Go no contact - block her number / email / everything. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 10:27 AM on August 2, 2015 [11 favorites]

Also if this: After we broke up, she texted me about 40 times without a response from me. is the response to a break-up after one month, imagine the response if you get back together and then try to break up after another month, or six months, or a year.

Yeah, don't do that.
posted by bunderful at 10:29 AM on August 2, 2015 [12 favorites]

Yikes! Yeah, you did the right thing. Maybe you have not ever had any experience with how hellish a relationship with this many red flags in the beginning can get. Believe me, you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by protecting yourself. Please continue to do so. Drama is literally addicting. No contact is by far the best thing for both of you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:01 AM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

Bipolar, unmedicated, drinks every day, emotionally volatile, low self esteem, possible formative trauma issues, doesn't communicate, bargaining, soulmate claims, and repeated near breakups all in the space of a month? Nobody can say what will work for you, but I think most people would see that combination of things as unlikely to work and ultimately not a healthy situation to be in. And that's the charitable way to phrase it. This doesn't sound like a mature or healthy relationship.

Given all of the fish in the sea, there are guaranteed to be so many other people out there who don't present this kind of straight-uphill mess. Your heart is your heart, and I can't feel what you're feeling, but on paper I would think this would be best put behind you.

Aside from heartache, I imagine part of what you're feeling is a sense of guilt. You want to be sensitive to her issues and not abandon someone who is having trouble based on things they can't entirely control, because where does that leave the neurochemical victims of the world? Do they just get loneliness and sadness as the reward for their misfortune? But it's not your job to save people or to take on their troubles as your own. Some people are just in bad situations and that's sad but is just reality. We want there to be some kind of justice but if that comes at the expense of your own wellbeing and future, you have to ask whether that makes sense. One troubled person or two? Place some value on yourself. Pretend you are someone else that you care about who is in a similar situation and give yourself the advice and care you'd give that person. Do you want to see them in that situation? Do they deserve better, even if it hurts right now to walk away? Do you want better for them long term?

You're asking us what's acceptable and what's not but ultimately we can't make that decision for you, even if we knew more detail. Listen to your heart, make your choice, and take what comes. So far, for whatever it's worth, it sounds like you've used sensible judgment even if it hurts.
posted by Askr at 11:03 AM on August 2, 2015 [13 favorites]

Did I make the right decision in breaking up...

The answer to this question is always yes! If you wanted to break up, then you had doubts about the relationship, and doubts are the slow death of intimacy.
posted by chainsofreedom at 11:08 AM on August 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

At a month of dating, you really need no more reason to break up with someone other than "we're not right for each other." You have so much more than that. You did right.
posted by cecic at 11:12 AM on August 2, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: You totally did the right thing. You can still like and love someone and realize you can't be with them. She needs to work through her many issues (and a divorce?) and that's not something you can fix. You will be okay, even if you don't feel it now.
posted by inturnaround at 11:29 AM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

If your relationship was so dramatic and difficult when it should be easiest — when you're young (early 30s and mid 20s), childless (presumably), etc. — how well do you think it would be working if you had stayed together for, say, 10 years?

Note: it's rare to see a unanimous response to a "human relations" AskMe question. Usually even if there's a general consensus, there's some dissent, or at least people express some reservations. There doesn't seem to be anyone saying anything less than that you absolutely made the right decision. That tells you something.
posted by John Cohen at 11:37 AM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Also, think about all the work you're doing, and about how it's important to you to do a good job of meeting her needs. She's not reciprocating that, and the dynamic you've established isn't one where she's expected to reciprocate that.

You deserve someone who is willing and able to reciprocate, and to treat yourself with the same compassion you're trying to extend to her. Don't let someone send abusive text messages to you, and then forgive them because they "didn't mean it," recognize that that's shitty behavior and that you're not going to take a ride on that crazy train. While you're contorting yourself to step in and make things easier for her, who's stepping in and comforting you and protecting you from all this BS?

You've got to be that person for yourself. The irony with all of this is that these accommodating tendencies of yours may have their root in the idea that you need to do this in order to hold onto a partner if you have trouble finding people to date, but a lot of good potential partners will back off if they sense this about you because they recognize on some level that you still have some work to do before you can be in a healthy relationship. So if you get comfortable standing up for yourself, you will find that you don't need to do it nearly as much or over stuff as huge as you did here, because better people will be drawn to you, and because you'll recognize red flags early and stop before things get to this point.
posted by alphanerd at 11:46 AM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

She is not in good faith trying to be her best version of herself. That's great that after you broke up with her, she made a doctor's appointment, but that alone isn't enough. She needs to be serious about turning her life around. If she shows real improvement, you can get back with her. But it sounds like she needs counseling to get her drinking and behavior under control, in addition to properly treating her bipolar disorder -- all of which will not happen over night. It's not your job to worry about her if she is not going to even worry about herself.

Being bipolar doesn't mean she is not girlfriend material -- it's her behavior and irresponsibility that is the problem. I have a family member who is bipolar and she doesn't drink because of it, full stop. She wishes she could, but she doesn't because she can't on her medication. Don't feel bad, like you are dumping this girl because she is bipolar. You are dumping her because she is a mess and isn't giving you what you need out of a relationship, which is totally reasonable.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:54 AM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]

Bipolar. Not on meds. Actively having episodes. She doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs friend-friends and a therapist.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:57 AM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

Finally, she sent me a text saying that she had made a doctor's appointment and that she is going to get back on her medicine.

It sounds as if she only did this because you left - and because you didn't respond to anything else she tried (good for you). That's not a good reason to finally start taking care of herself. She should be doing that regardless of anything else going going.

You made the right decision. Stick to it!
posted by Beti at 12:05 PM on August 2, 2015 [7 favorites]

Did I make the right decision in breaking up with my bipolar girlfriend?

Did you want to break up with her? Then yes, you did. Bipolar can be a difficult condition to manage, and it can be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has bipolar.

The only reason anyone ever needs to end a relationship is that they don't want to be in the relationship. If you are open to the possibility of being in a relationship with her again, let her know what you need from her in order to make that happen. And be clear about which points are negotiable and which are non-negotiable.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:06 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also, this doesn't answer your question but some things you said are concerning:

I believe that I am to blame too for not sticking to my boundaries.
Rarely is just one person the cause of a relationship ending. Don't take on responsibility for problems that are not yours.

I found that it was easier to ignore my own needs
Recognize that this is a red flag. Both partner's needs are balanced in a healthy relationship.

I wanted to please her as it's in my nature to try to make the people I care about happy.
Aren't you one of the people you care about? Taking care of yourself is healthy. It is your right and responsibility to do so.

I feel as though I am unable to tell what is acceptable and what is not
When you lose a skill that you once had, stop, step back and take time to regain your perspective.

Maybe take some time before you start a new relationship and get a better handle on some of these areas. Good luck!
posted by Beti at 12:19 PM on August 2, 2015 [11 favorites]

I didn't even need to read the text below the cut. You dated someone for a little over a month and decided not to continue. That's okay to do, regardless of circumstance, as long as you do it kindly.
posted by juniperesque at 12:25 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

I feel as though I am starting to question my own sanity.

Christopher Titus says "Crazy makes crazy" This experience is typical and the longer you stay with her the harder is to keep your own sense of normalcy. Look for activities that make you feel like the grounded, "real" you, especially around other people who seem to be grounded and balanced. Take the time to get your sense of self back before you start a new relationship. Appreciate that this relationship helped you learn something new about yourself and move on.
posted by metahawk at 12:48 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

It sounds like she is using her medical condition to excuse her abusive behavior. You are in a dangerous situation and you absolutely should seek counseling to unravel everything that she has put you through. This isn't your fault. Please get help right away and avoid all contact with her. She will never change. She will only fake it and lie to rope you back in, and then the abuse will start again. I repeat, you are in danger.
posted by myselfasme at 12:54 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

After we broke up, she texted me about 40 times without a response from me. She said a lot of sweet things and she said things that make me think that I'm her soul mate. Finally, she sent me a text saying that she had made a doctor's appointment and that she is going to get back on her medicine.

BLOCK. HER. NUMBER.

This person is bad news. It doesn't matter what causes her poor behavior... whether the cause is medical or psychological or what. You deserve better than someone who treats you like she did. It's possible to have a functional relationship where a partner is bipolar, BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE AT ALL. RUN.
posted by zennie at 1:10 PM on August 2, 2015 [13 favorites]

You made the right choice to break up.

After we broke up, she texted me about 40 times without a response from me. She said a lot of sweet things and she said things that make me think that I'm her soul mate. Finally, she sent me a text saying that she had made a doctor's appointment and that she is going to get back on her medicine.

It sounds like she's having a manic episode. Even if she is going to take the medication that the doctor prescribes, even if she made the appointment and actually goes... That doesn't change the problems at the root of your short-lived relationship.

The sweet things she said, the ones that made you think she's your soulmate... she's not the only one who can say those things, who can feel that way about you.

Find someone else, someone who's ready to be in a relationship. She's clearly not there yet.
posted by RainyJay at 1:18 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

TL;DR. There were so many red flags before the jump I didn't even read the inside. Yes, you did the right thing. Find someone who's already got their oxygen mask on.
posted by mibo at 1:40 PM on August 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

I won't presume to tell you if you made the right decision to break up, but I do think you considered the correct issues in making that decision. Having said that, I actually read all the way and the fact that she recognizes that she should consider going back on her meds, drinks too much, etc. is a legit step to consider in the future getting back together for another shot.
posted by AugustWest at 3:15 PM on August 2, 2015

It takes time to forget. You have to take one day at a time. Be patient. You'll get through this.
posted by discopolo at 3:23 PM on August 2, 2015

Best answer: Agree that you made the right decision, and would strongly advise you to cut contact completely. She only decided to (tell you she'll try to) get back on meds after 40 other unanswered text messages? That doesn't sound at all like respect or love for you as a person, or respect or love for herself as someone with a condition that needs to be addressed properly - all I'm hearing in this is that she's continuing to try to find the magic words to lure you back in.

If that isn't enough, so many other things in this question sound SO unhealthy. This is so much drama and stress for four or five weeks of relationship! Over this short of a period of time, your boundaries eroded away, you ignored your own needs, you neglected a creature that actually IS dependent on you in favor of serving an adult human being's wants, you're blaming yourself for problems in your relationship that are very much caused by your ex ... And anything that makes you doubt your own ability to correctly gauge your own reality should be flat-out scary to you, not something to consider getting back into.

A relationship should help you to be a better person, should make you and your universe bigger and fuller and happier, not break you down like this one was. You've just gotten through a very intense experience and it's probably unsurprising that you're missing some of the drama now, but please stand firm, block her completely, take good care of your dog, and work on any recovery you might need to do after this.
posted by DingoMutt at 4:04 PM on August 2, 2015 [11 favorites]

People with bipolar disorder can be intoxicating to be around. They can be creative, funny, brilliant, and amazing. They can also be nasty, aggressive, clingy, hurtful, and filled with pathos. It can be an exhilarating and exhausting ride.

You can certainly tell her that you just can't handle being in a relationship with her because you've discovered that it's hard to keep your boundaries and you've ended up feeling burned out. It might be that medication could help her, but it needs to up to her whether she takes medication or not. IMO, it can't be that "her taking meds" is a condition for being in a relationship with you, because that will lead to resentment.

Basically, you guys are so early in relationship that don't know what she'll be like when she's on meds and not drinking. It's impossible for you to commit to being in a relationship with a person you really haven't met yet. If you want to try being a friend to her while she's exploring that, do so, but just know that it'll continue to be hard to keep those boundaries going.
posted by jasper411 at 4:43 PM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have a friend who decided to not take medication for their bipolar disorder because they "liked their highs and lows." Considering the amount of destruction they've caused with both their highs and lows, and being aware of that, I thought of her as deeply irresponsible and stopped talking to her as much.

I have plenty of friends who are bipolar and are responsible adults. It's not just their diagnosis - it's how they handle their life, and you being in the swirling vortex that is their life.
posted by yueliang at 7:01 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Like others have said, the: "admitted that she was no longer taking medication because it didn't allow her to drink as much." part is reason alone to get out.
posted by Gev at 6:21 AM on August 3, 2015

Response by poster: Well, we got back together after about 5 days apart. She saw the doctor and started taking her meds again. However, she missed taking them some days and began to question the effectiveness of the lithium. Is it normal for bipolar II people to have bad memory? She seemed very forgetful.

Anyway, the more I learned about the real or calm her, the less I realized we had in common. I felt like I dated one person in July and someone completely different in August. And she was aggressive, angry in her daily speech. It's hard to describe. Just a hostility in her vocabulary.

I broke up with her last Saturday night and this time she only called once (and presumably deleted/blocked my number). It's been almost a week. I want to reach out to her and offer a friendship. I think I am capable of that.
posted by TurboNerd at 9:14 PM on September 3, 2015