How to handle having kids after everyone else around you has

August 1, 2015 10:40 AM

Our friends and family have kids already at one and two+ years old. We're at that age where people in our social circle have started families. And we're not pregnant... again. We're overall positive, though, and this AskMe isn't about getting pregnant. We're very confident that it'll happen, or we'll adopt, or whatever – no need to give answers about that, please. But, I agonize that by the time we have a kid, that all of the kids of our friends will be too old to play together, that our friends will have moved on from wanting to hang out with a newborn, that they'll have "passed us by", or that basically we won't be able to share experiences with them and in turn we'll lose them as friends. So, I'm looking for support or advice from folks who might have been in the same situation as us. Did you end up having kids a few years after your friends/social circle? Did it turn out alright? Any positives?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

As the first in our friend circle to have kids, I heartily second everything ifds,sn9 said. My almost 8-year-old and my almost 5-year-old both loooooove playing with babies, and I looooove being able to off-load some baby stuff and give advice (only solicited advice, I promise!) and sympathy/reassurance to my friends who are just now having kids. If you are good friends with someone, it doesn't just automagically dissipate because your kids are older/younger. Also, there is nothing better than snuggling a newborn that you can give back.
posted by fancyoats at 11:03 AM on August 1, 2015

oh my god, you will be the most popular mom you know. All your friends who have 5 and 7 and 9 year olds will jump at the chance to hang out with you so they can snuggle a little baby again (that they don't have to diaper or plan financially for.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:08 AM on August 1, 2015 [8 favorites]

I did not have my first child until I was 39, definitely on the late side. But as the other posters have said, people who already have kids love to give advice, and will be very interested in your new baby, I promise.

But also, I found that once my kid started school, I found a whole new set of (younger, mostly) friends in the other parents. I am still friends with some of these people now, when my oldest is 25!
posted by merejane at 11:08 AM on August 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think you will be fine! Parents (and small children!) tend to really enjoy babies, even more so when they're not preoccupied/exhausted by their own infants. And nthing that you will have so many hand-me-downs and so much personalized advice.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:11 AM on August 1, 2015

Your kid will be the right age to have play dates with their second or third kid.
posted by MsMolly at 11:14 AM on August 1, 2015 [15 favorites]

I had my son at 41. My friends' children ranged from 0-20, and then I made new friends throughout my pregnancy and my son's first few years. We continue to make friends as we start new schools, etc., and our friends' older kids adore playing with my kid. Bonus: awesome hand-me-downs.
posted by judith at 11:23 AM on August 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't even know of any social circles where all the kids are around the same age. I'm not sure how or why this is a concern. You'll be fine, your kid(s) will be fine.
posted by kmennie at 11:39 AM on August 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

We just had a baby, and friends with elementary-aged kids/grandkids have been by far the most interested in coming over and just hanging out talking babies and cuddling her. We haven't had any of their kids over yet because they're little disease vectors, but I know they're super-excited too. In contrast, our friend who has a baby a few months older has said she wants to visit and promised a constant stream of fresh hand-me-downs, but we haven't actually seen her since ours was born because neither of us is very good at social calls right now. I can't imagine we'll want to talk about babies a whole lot either, just because we'd be going in circles about very recent experiences, rather than one of us having a lot of perspective to offer. I'm sure our babies will spend more time together as they get older though and maybe they'll end up close friends, and if not they'll both have plenty of other friends from activity groups/school as time goes on.
posted by teremala at 11:45 AM on August 1, 2015

I think it'll be great. I'm the first among my friends to have a child (in some ways, a lonely experience), and I can't wait until a few more folks become parents. I'm genuinely excited to see them as parents, get to know their kids, and just generally be supportive and encouraging. I bet your friends will be just as happy! Having a community of parent friends to join is a great perk, in my opinion.
posted by Cygnet at 11:47 AM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, all your friends will want to smell your baby's head all the time and you will get all the hand-me-downs, and kids move in mixed-age herds where the big ones like helping the little ones.

As one of the early-spawners in my group, the late-spawners are always very anxious about, "Is it okay if we bring a newborn?" and I'm like, "Here is a pack and play and a boppy for nursing and a bin of baby-safe toys and I put all the childproofing back on the doors in about 15 seconds and, hey, you can just leave her here and run errands if you want, it is literally no additional burden to add a baby or toddler to the elementary-aged kids I already have." I take my friends' kids for 4- or 8-hour emergencies or just mental breakdown all the time ... I already have a minivan and all the equipment and none of it's in use and my kids like having a Littley to play with for several hours. I just toss 'em in the car and we go do all our normal stuff and their toddlers think I am the FUNNEST and love coming to play with my kids.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:38 PM on August 1, 2015 [7 favorites]

We were late (I'm 48 and my daughter is 5). No problem whatsoever with that. We make friends with the other parents at her school, so that's okay. It keeps you young too, to have friends that are sometimes considerably younger. There are advantages too: if you get kids when you are a bit older than average, chances are you have more time to devote to your kid(s), because you have seen a lot of the world already. TL;DR: don't worry about it!
posted by hz37 at 12:43 PM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I am in exactly your position with regards to having friends with kids 1-10 years older than mine, and it is truly no big deal. If anything it is great, because you will get hand me downs and (if they're local) all the scuttlebutt on schools, teachers, gifted/talented programs, great summer camps, lousy swimming lessons, etc. Plus your little kids will adore having big kids to play with, and (as mentioned above) at about age 4-5 older kids start to have fun with playing with babies and toddlers.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2015

I'm pregnant with my first right now and pretty much all of my friends are done having kids or are not having kids. Of the ones who have kids, they're school age. THEY'RE ALL SUPER-EXCITED TO HOLD A BABY. I've gotten cool presents, offers of hand-me-downs, advice that doesn't suck, etc.

You can't predict which friendships will last, of course, but I feel like we're bringing this baby into a community of friends who are very eager to welcome him or her and be his/her family of choice.
posted by Aquifer at 1:02 PM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I agree with all of the above. You also have the added benefit that most of your friends' schedules are already on a kid friendly timeline. No one expects beer pong and 10pm start times - something that has been a struggle for friends of mine on the early end of the spectrum.
posted by mercredi at 1:08 PM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

My older sister had her only child when my first born was like 7.5. My kids played with her kid. I went and took care of her kid a couple of different times (as in flew out with mine in tow to stay for a few weeks cuz REASONS) and the fact that the kids were different ages was an asset, not a problem. My sons thought the baby was adorable. My oldest stopped nagging me to have a sister for him and began saying his aunt could give him another cousin. He figured out how much work babies are and noped out of his previous desire for a little sister.

So it was all upside, in my book. :-)

I will suggest that friends with older kids may be a bit like grandparents: Some of them will be even more thrilled to have your baby around for a little while because they can revisit the cuteness and then hand it back before it keeps them up all hours of the night and what not. After you have kids, you still value some of the wonderfulness of kids but have a more cynical view of actually having more of your own. It is still nice to borrow a baby, just for a bit, cuz babies are the cutest, and handing them back after a bit means you get to keep all the positive feels and not have to remember in gory detail why you stopped at two when you originally wanted three (or whatever).
posted by Michele in California at 1:11 PM on August 1, 2015

My parents were very young when they had me and my sisters and a lot of their friends had kids after us. It just meant built-in playmates initially - as others have said, as school age children my sisters and I LOVED holding babies or playing with toddlers - and then as we all got older, it meant built-in babysitters so all the parents could go out.

Some of my friends are having babies for the first time now and as someone with a 3-yo and 6-yo - the babies are SO cute and I love getting my fill of BABYBABYBABY and then... handing them back to mom or dad. No more diapers for me! And even at their ages, my kids will happily play with a 1 or 2-year-old and give the parents a break.
posted by sutel at 1:29 PM on August 1, 2015

Some of them will be on kids two or three or four by the time yours arrive... some of the kids will just be varied in age... and that's ok. That's real socialization - learning to interact with people of all ages, not just those within a year or so age group.

Some of them will have surprises - or intendeds - later on that make yours look young. Don't stress. Just participate and be considerate... and don't isolate them because your invitations aren't appropriate for their new stage of life. I dealt with the flip side... I was having kids when my friends were all still in party mode, and most of them have kids 10-15 years behind me. They stopped inviting, because who wants kids along, or I stopped going, because I either couldn't afford child care and was expected to not bring children, or they were going drinking, and that's not my thing, especially when I was going home and being the only adult.
posted by stormyteal at 1:35 PM on August 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

You will have an amazing wealth of knowledge from which to solicit for just about any issue. I was later in the group to have children due to infertility and at the time, I was very sad that I was at the end of the train, but now I see how helpful it is to have friends who have walked that path. Plus, I get to see glimpses of how the near future years will be. And, they LOVE to interact with my kids because they are younger, funner versions of the ones they have. Win-Win.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:01 PM on August 1, 2015

I'm in the situation of trying for our first while all our nieces and nephews are at least a few years old already... I even have some step-nieces and nephews who are already teenagers. All the older kids like playing with the younger ones. So I'm not terribly worried. Everyone is excited to cuddle new babies.
posted by lizbunny at 7:06 PM on August 1, 2015

Yep, my kids are the youngest of my high school friends kids and it's great because they babysit for me!
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:31 PM on August 1, 2015

You will get so much free baby crap you won't know what to do. And also, everyone will want to come over and hold your baby all the time. I think you are worried for nothing.
posted by Toddles at 10:28 PM on August 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

I had worries like this while I was going thru infertility and without getting too verbose, I'll just say it turned out that I need not have worried at all. People with a kid already ended up having a second kid close to my kid in age, some folks without kids ended up having kids near in age to mine as well, and the few who had kids who were significantly older by the time mine came along (and I only mean 3 to 5 years older), well, their kids love playing with mine anyway. I was so jealous when my cousin had her first daughter, now age 7. My daughter is 5 years younger, but we're at a family get together right now, and her 7 year old is following my daughter around like a puppy, trying to feed her things, laying out blankets for her to sit on, asking me if she can take her little cousin on a kayak ride or go swimming with her. She seems incredibly enamored despite the fact that my 2 year old is rebuffing many of her advances with "no, I don't wanna!" They're adorable together. And as many have already noted, no one ever gets tired of holding a newborn.

Just wait, you'll see - once you're a parent, you're 'in the trenches' with all other parents, and there is a sense of camaraderie that pervades interactions with parents of all ages everywhere. I was just complaining about sleepless nights with my baby to a woman who's about 60 years old, and she smiled and said "my little girl was the same way. And now she's turned into such an amazing person... she's 45 years old." (it was actually quite reassuring) And yesterday I shared breastfeeding woes with a woman who breastfed her child before I was born. People make much of the "mommy wars" these days, but I find there's a much less-discussed but just as strong mommy team spirit out there - it doesn't make sensational headlines but once you're looking for it you'll see it everywhere.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:01 PM on August 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

As late for our cohort parents, I agree with all of the above. Also I've found the advice from friends/family with kids a few years older is usually much better than from other sources. They remember what 6 months is, 18 months is, compared to people with grown children, but they also aren't invested in their choices from that age anymore.

You will have had the chance to see some of those choices play out too, so you can get a better sense of what advice you would follow and what parenting choices work for you
posted by sputzie at 3:39 AM on August 2, 2015

Hey this is me, and I am indeed swimming in hand me downs, advice/support, and baby swooners. And in a few years: babysitters!
posted by marmago at 5:01 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

People used to have 3, 4, or more kids, so you were more likely to have friends with kids your age. Now, I think it's less likely. It's nice to have a friend, neighbors, cousins with same-age babies. But if not, you'll find a playgroup, or baby time at a library, or the parents at day care. 6 months age difference matters to babies, but a couple years' age difference doesn't matter to adult cousins. When we were young, my bother's and my 8 year age difference meant we lived on different planets. As adults, we became very close friends.
posted by theora55 at 11:58 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]