My guy friend (and crush) blushed when I gave him a compliment
July 28, 2015 8:33 AM Subscribe
I've liked this guy for quite a while. We're part of a meetup group that he leads. We are around the same age (early 30s, he's two years older). I've always found him to be a great leader and great person all around, despite my crush on him. Recently I told him this, and it wasn't in an overly gushing way. Just a sincere compliment. I was almost crying when I told him, so I was speaking from the heart.
He slowly turned red and said wow, just wow, thank you, and that he didn't know what to say. He said wow a lot and his eyes grew big. Then he said it meant a lot and that I'd made his day. He was looking at me with an expression that was like a mix of thoughtfulness and awe. I can't really explain it well in words. No one else was around, it was just me and him.
Could this mean he likes me, or was he just blushing because of the compliment? I ask because one of my other (female) friends told me that guys normally don't blush and that blushing is more of a woman thing. So if he blushes he must really like you since it's a reaction he can't control. Is my friend correct or are we reading too much into the situation?
He slowly turned red and said wow, just wow, thank you, and that he didn't know what to say. He said wow a lot and his eyes grew big. Then he said it meant a lot and that I'd made his day. He was looking at me with an expression that was like a mix of thoughtfulness and awe. I can't really explain it well in words. No one else was around, it was just me and him.
Could this mean he likes me, or was he just blushing because of the compliment? I ask because one of my other (female) friends told me that guys normally don't blush and that blushing is more of a woman thing. So if he blushes he must really like you since it's a reaction he can't control. Is my friend correct or are we reading too much into the situation?
You're in your early 30s, not middle school. Why not just ask him out? If he says no, accept his rejection with grace and move on. If he says yes, then you've got much further than you would have by speculating about signs.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:37 AM on July 28, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:37 AM on July 28, 2015 [24 favorites]
...are we reading too much into the situation?
Yes, you are reading WAY too much into this. Just ask him out and go from there.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 8:38 AM on July 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, you are reading WAY too much into this. Just ask him out and go from there.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 8:38 AM on July 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Blushing is an involuntary reaction, not a secret code. It doesn't "mean" anything. There is no way you, or any strangers on the internet, can know whether he wants to date you based on this. Ask him out.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:40 AM on July 28, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:40 AM on July 28, 2015 [34 favorites]
Since he leads the Meetup group, he may feel uncomfortable initiating any romantic gestures because of the power imbalance.
You both are adults in your 30's, so you should stop torturing yourself by trying to divine his feelings through his body language. It's a futile exercise that's also unkind to yourself.
Go up to him and ask him out for coffee and conversation; it's a great way to learn more about him and a better way of finding out his feelings about you.
posted by mlo at 8:41 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
You both are adults in your 30's, so you should stop torturing yourself by trying to divine his feelings through his body language. It's a futile exercise that's also unkind to yourself.
Go up to him and ask him out for coffee and conversation; it's a great way to learn more about him and a better way of finding out his feelings about you.
posted by mlo at 8:41 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I ask because one of my other (female) friends told me that guys normally don't blush and that blushing is more of a woman thing.
Your friend is silly. Everybody blushes. It's an uncontrollable physiological reaction. Shit, I think even dolphins blush.
Just ask the guy out!
posted by phunniemee at 8:46 AM on July 28, 2015 [26 favorites]
Your friend is silly. Everybody blushes. It's an uncontrollable physiological reaction. Shit, I think even dolphins blush.
Just ask the guy out!
posted by phunniemee at 8:46 AM on July 28, 2015 [26 favorites]
I am an obvious blusher and I blush at compliments pretty routinely and I think you're reading way too much into this. "Blushed" != "Wants to go on a date with you"
He might blush at compliments in general. He might have been embarrassed by your "almost crying" demeanor. He might be into you and yet still not want to go on a date with you. He might be into you and want to go on a date with you.
If you want to find out you should ask.
posted by mskyle at 8:47 AM on July 28, 2015 [27 favorites]
He might blush at compliments in general. He might have been embarrassed by your "almost crying" demeanor. He might be into you and yet still not want to go on a date with you. He might be into you and want to go on a date with you.
If you want to find out you should ask.
posted by mskyle at 8:47 AM on July 28, 2015 [27 favorites]
Ask him out, it's the only way to know.
FWIW I blush a lot, but I am rarely embarrassed. I blush when I'm startled. Other people have different triggers, I'm sure. So, it's impossible to read into it.
posted by gaspode at 8:54 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
FWIW I blush a lot, but I am rarely embarrassed. I blush when I'm startled. Other people have different triggers, I'm sure. So, it's impossible to read into it.
posted by gaspode at 8:54 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah I blush any time anyone says anything to me when I'm not expecting it. I blush when the waiter catches me off-guard and asks if I need more coffee.
Your friend with her women-blushing theory is a doofus.
Be an adult and ask him out with your words.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:55 AM on July 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
Your friend with her women-blushing theory is a doofus.
Be an adult and ask him out with your words.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:55 AM on July 28, 2015 [12 favorites]
There's no guarantee that he's into you. Your compliment was pretty awesome. However, at least he knows that you like him for more than his dashing appearance.
posted by amtho at 8:57 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:57 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
So honestly, there's embarrassed-good and embarrassed-bad, and I get the latter vibe from this.
Gushing compliments with tears in your eyes when you're 30? It just honestly would seem very... Idol-worshippy. Sorry. I'm really not trying to be mean here! But I have strong feelings that relationships based on worship or idealizing are flawed from the get-go.
I mean, I really hope for your sake that I'm wrong. But in general, in life, it's not a bad idea to abide by the advice of always being casual, gracious, and giving someone an out when expressing interest in them. Big heartfelt talks can be more of a burden than a joy.
posted by quincunx at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2015 [32 favorites]
Gushing compliments with tears in your eyes when you're 30? It just honestly would seem very... Idol-worshippy. Sorry. I'm really not trying to be mean here! But I have strong feelings that relationships based on worship or idealizing are flawed from the get-go.
I mean, I really hope for your sake that I'm wrong. But in general, in life, it's not a bad idea to abide by the advice of always being casual, gracious, and giving someone an out when expressing interest in them. Big heartfelt talks can be more of a burden than a joy.
posted by quincunx at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2015 [32 favorites]
Yeah, that could super easily be an awkward blush from a way too intense compliment. If you like the guy and want to know if he likes you, ask him.
posted by MsMolly at 9:12 AM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 9:12 AM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm afraid the only way you can know for sure is sit down at a semi-private place and have a good heart-to-heart alk.
posted by kschang at 9:39 AM on July 28, 2015
posted by kschang at 9:39 AM on July 28, 2015
Blushing is a physiological response. I'm a man, and I blush under various different circumstances.
You're 32. It's 2015. Telepathy hasn't been invented yet. There is one way and one way only for you to find out if he likes you: ask him on a date. This guessing game nonsense is a losing proposition for everyone involved.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:09 AM on July 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
You're 32. It's 2015. Telepathy hasn't been invented yet. There is one way and one way only for you to find out if he likes you: ask him on a date. This guessing game nonsense is a losing proposition for everyone involved.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:09 AM on July 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
And use the word 'date' explicitly. "Hey Egbert, would you like to go on a date sometime?"
No ambiguity, no plausible deniability, put your cards on the table and see if he picks 'em up.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:10 AM on July 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
No ambiguity, no plausible deniability, put your cards on the table and see if he picks 'em up.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:10 AM on July 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have to agree with pretty much everyone: this is silly. I don't say that as an insult; I've been there.
Yeah, that could have been A Moment. Or he could have been genuinely touched by your compliment, but a little overwhelmed by your intensity. Or it could have been incredibly awkward and over the top, what with the near-crying. You're seeing everything through your crush-lens so we don't know how it really went down, your friend doesn't know what she's talking about, nobody knows how he feels about you--other than him.
The longer you let this crush go on without either asking him out or moving on, the more you will read into everything he does, the more you will idealize him, the more you will mythologize your connection. A reaction like blushing will send you reeling; if he seems to blow you off, your week will be ruined. The crush-lens can be fun--at first-- but it's not sustainable. There's pain in your future if you continue this way. Ask me how I know.
Ask him out, bring him and this whole thing back down to earth.
posted by kapers at 10:23 AM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah, that could have been A Moment. Or he could have been genuinely touched by your compliment, but a little overwhelmed by your intensity. Or it could have been incredibly awkward and over the top, what with the near-crying. You're seeing everything through your crush-lens so we don't know how it really went down, your friend doesn't know what she's talking about, nobody knows how he feels about you--other than him.
The longer you let this crush go on without either asking him out or moving on, the more you will read into everything he does, the more you will idealize him, the more you will mythologize your connection. A reaction like blushing will send you reeling; if he seems to blow you off, your week will be ruined. The crush-lens can be fun--at first-- but it's not sustainable. There's pain in your future if you continue this way. Ask me how I know.
Ask him out, bring him and this whole thing back down to earth.
posted by kapers at 10:23 AM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You two sound totally adorable. Everyone is going to be kind of condescending to you ('use your words and be an adult' kind of stuff) and nitpick your description to death because that's about all we can do in response to your question, since none of us were there.
But you know better than we do how that moment felt, and I'm sure you know how to read people to some extent. If there's a part of you that knows he was awkward-blushing, trust that. But if you think he's into you, don't distrust and second guess your gut feeling, and there's certainly no need to get the askme second-guessing squad involved - just ask him out!
posted by dialetheia at 10:28 AM on July 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
But you know better than we do how that moment felt, and I'm sure you know how to read people to some extent. If there's a part of you that knows he was awkward-blushing, trust that. But if you think he's into you, don't distrust and second guess your gut feeling, and there's certainly no need to get the askme second-guessing squad involved - just ask him out!
posted by dialetheia at 10:28 AM on July 28, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks dialetheia, I was shocked by the generally condescending tone on a lot of the answers. I appreciate them, but I don't like the whole "you're 30-something, be an adult" thing. It's not exactly helpful, I wish I hadn't shared our ages so that wouldn't have colored the answers. If I had said we were in our 20s would that have changed things? I don't understand why we're supposed to have our lives and everything figured out by 30.
And one more point -- I wasn't gushing and overly tearful when giving the complement. Just a little emotional. It was quick and to the point and wasn't "idol worshippy" "and "idealistic." I didn't feel like it was awkward, it felt like he was genuinely touched by it and he's been a little bit friendlier afterward.
posted by starpoint at 11:21 AM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
And one more point -- I wasn't gushing and overly tearful when giving the complement. Just a little emotional. It was quick and to the point and wasn't "idol worshippy" "and "idealistic." I didn't feel like it was awkward, it felt like he was genuinely touched by it and he's been a little bit friendlier afterward.
posted by starpoint at 11:21 AM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Everyone blushes and yes, you are reading too much into this. If he hasn't asked you out by now, he probably isn't interested in asking you out. He may like you but be unable to date you for a variety of reasons. Ask him, just once, if he wants to go get coffee with you. If he says no or makes up an excuse, then stop thinking about him.
posted by myselfasme at 11:21 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 11:21 AM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry if you felt you were spoken down to...I imagine everyone here just goes by the details given by the OP, so when you say "almost crying"...that's pretty strong. It makes sense to imagine that you were being overly emotional and he might be reacting to that.
I agree that blushing doesn't mean that much (and "blushing is a woman thing"?? wtheck??). I blush if I feel startled or put on the spot/in the spotlight, regardless of my feelings for the person. However, it seems like a pretty positive response to your compliment--and you were the one experiencing this, not us--so who knows? The only way to get anywhere is just to put yourself out there and ask him out! Or you can keep agonizing over/analyzing small signs. Honestly the former option sounds better.
Good luck! :)
posted by sprezzy at 11:32 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree that blushing doesn't mean that much (and "blushing is a woman thing"?? wtheck??). I blush if I feel startled or put on the spot/in the spotlight, regardless of my feelings for the person. However, it seems like a pretty positive response to your compliment--and you were the one experiencing this, not us--so who knows? The only way to get anywhere is just to put yourself out there and ask him out! Or you can keep agonizing over/analyzing small signs. Honestly the former option sounds better.
Good luck! :)
posted by sprezzy at 11:32 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: One comment deleted. OP and others, AskMe isn't a space for back-and-forth; if you're annoyed at somebody just take a break from the thread please. OP you can mark the answers you find most useful and ignore the others. Commenters please keep it constructive.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:44 AM on July 28, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:44 AM on July 28, 2015
Blushing article at Wikipedia. It's caused by a variety of factors.
posted by Solomon at 11:58 AM on July 28, 2015
posted by Solomon at 11:58 AM on July 28, 2015
he's been a little bit friendlier afterward
Then if you do plan to ask him to hang out one-on-one, this seems like a great time to do it. Strike while the iron is hot, as they say.
posted by kapers at 12:08 PM on July 28, 2015
Then if you do plan to ask him to hang out one-on-one, this seems like a great time to do it. Strike while the iron is hot, as they say.
posted by kapers at 12:08 PM on July 28, 2015
I don't think it's wise to make assumptions in life about anything. I've had someone misread me and assume I was very into them when I wasn't, and it made me really uncomfortable, especially because they were so hopeful and had convinced themselves that I felt the same way. It's a gamble when you're dealing with matters like these, but I don't think you should be fearful. Just don't assume anything before you've actually asked someone how they feel. In this case, it would be if he would like to go out or not.
posted by Avosunspin at 12:39 PM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Avosunspin at 12:39 PM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Could this mean he likes me, or was he just blushing because of the compliment?
No one can say for sure. It could mean that he likes you, or that he was overwhelmed by the compliment or it could mean nothing.
If you like him, I would suggest you ask him on a date and go on from there.
posted by Julnyes at 12:48 PM on July 28, 2015
No one can say for sure. It could mean that he likes you, or that he was overwhelmed by the compliment or it could mean nothing.
If you like him, I would suggest you ask him on a date and go on from there.
posted by Julnyes at 12:48 PM on July 28, 2015
For what it's worth, I usually blush when I'm embarassed on uncomfortable.
Stop trying to read the tea leaves and just ask him.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:01 PM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Stop trying to read the tea leaves and just ask him.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:01 PM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please stop trying to read minds, look for signals, etc. You can never win that way! If you can put yourself on the line by emotionally giving him a heart-felt compliment, take another step and ask him on a date. Be ready to smile and be friend-like if he declines, but it seems he likes and respects you so he's not going to embarrass you or hurt your feelings if he doesn't want to accept -- he'd say something tactful like, 'some other time," or "I'm afraid I'm going to be pretty busy for a while."
posted by wryly at 1:27 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wryly at 1:27 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I blush when I'm really stressed out. I don't blush much when I'm happy or flattered. It's more of a fight or flight response for me. Who knows what caused him to blush. Also your friend is wrong that men don't blush.
I agree with others that searching for signs isn't going to get you anywhere. Ask him out and you'll know for sure. It's scary, I know, but you often need to take risks to get what you want.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:59 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I agree with others that searching for signs isn't going to get you anywhere. Ask him out and you'll know for sure. It's scary, I know, but you often need to take risks to get what you want.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:59 PM on July 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
nthing asking him out. Its not like he's leader of the world so there's a power imbalance.
Start smiling and making eye contact and see where it goes from there. Then ask him out if he warms up.
Hell just straight up ask him.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:03 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Start smiling and making eye contact and see where it goes from there. Then ask him out if he warms up.
Hell just straight up ask him.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:03 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You seem from the comments you've made in the past to be a very sweet and sensitive person. I think you picked up well that your crush was truly touched by your compliment, which was also plainly heartfelt on your part. It am sure that is why he blushed, too - he was really touched, and perhaps a little embarrassed as well to be recognized so positively.
However, I don't know how he could tell from your great, sincere comment to him that you'd like to date him. Also, although social mores still put the onus on men in many heterosexual settings to make the first move toward romance, it is no easier for them to do it than it is for women, and I think most men would love to be asked out instead. So, why not invite him out for a drink or coffee? You need not confess your crush, as asking if he'd like to do something social with you will make it clear enough that you'd like to get to know him better.
posted by bearwife at 3:09 PM on July 28, 2015
However, I don't know how he could tell from your great, sincere comment to him that you'd like to date him. Also, although social mores still put the onus on men in many heterosexual settings to make the first move toward romance, it is no easier for them to do it than it is for women, and I think most men would love to be asked out instead. So, why not invite him out for a drink or coffee? You need not confess your crush, as asking if he'd like to do something social with you will make it clear enough that you'd like to get to know him better.
posted by bearwife at 3:09 PM on July 28, 2015
Best answer: Hi. I've been the guy in your scenario and have certainly blushed when others have given me heartfelt compliments. I also blush when surprised, tongue-tied, anxious or angry. My partner (cisman) and friends (mostly cismen) also blush for these reasons and with the same frequency as my women friends. It isn't exclusively a 'woman' thing to blush -- so I wouldn't read into it or base anything off of it.
That said, in most cases when I've blushed it wasn't because I was romantically or sexually interested in the compliment-giver but because I felt awkward and trapped by the conversation and the intense delivery of it; it put me on the spot and made me feel very uncomfortable. How do you even respond to such a compliment? When the other person is earnest and sincere to the point of tears -- just saying 'thanks' seems so dismissive of that sincerity. It also made me have to suddenly consider that the compliment-giver might 'like-like' me -- and that tends to change peoples' interactions going forward. So you're left flustered and wondering: why did they tell me this? are they expecting something to happen? do they want something from me? should I be upfront about my interest/lack of interest? if I have no romantic interest, how can I convey that? ... What if they're just genuinely complimenting me and I'm the weirdo reading into it?
So, I'd say blushing because of a compliment isn't necessarily an indication that someone likes you. And honestly, based on a single (albeit heartfelt) compliment, he may not even realize you like him. Your best bet here is to ask him. You can be casual about it and drop hints about getting to know him more (ie: guess as to whether he likes you romantically or sexually; wait around for him to initiate), or you can be direct and make your romantic or sexual intentions known from the start (ie: I like you. I'd like to take you out sometime on a date). The latter approach takes the ambiguity out of the situation very quickly -- he's either into you and/or curious or he's not.
Good luck!
posted by stubbehtail at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said, in most cases when I've blushed it wasn't because I was romantically or sexually interested in the compliment-giver but because I felt awkward and trapped by the conversation and the intense delivery of it; it put me on the spot and made me feel very uncomfortable. How do you even respond to such a compliment? When the other person is earnest and sincere to the point of tears -- just saying 'thanks' seems so dismissive of that sincerity. It also made me have to suddenly consider that the compliment-giver might 'like-like' me -- and that tends to change peoples' interactions going forward. So you're left flustered and wondering: why did they tell me this? are they expecting something to happen? do they want something from me? should I be upfront about my interest/lack of interest? if I have no romantic interest, how can I convey that? ... What if they're just genuinely complimenting me and I'm the weirdo reading into it?
So, I'd say blushing because of a compliment isn't necessarily an indication that someone likes you. And honestly, based on a single (albeit heartfelt) compliment, he may not even realize you like him. Your best bet here is to ask him. You can be casual about it and drop hints about getting to know him more (ie: guess as to whether he likes you romantically or sexually; wait around for him to initiate), or you can be direct and make your romantic or sexual intentions known from the start (ie: I like you. I'd like to take you out sometime on a date). The latter approach takes the ambiguity out of the situation very quickly -- he's either into you and/or curious or he's not.
Good luck!
posted by stubbehtail at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have been known to blush from time to time and I'm a male type person. I don't think it is a reflection on my masculinity, but rather a reflection of my near total lack of pigmentation. It is true that emotionally laden interactions are more likely to produce the response, so it may indicate that he is interested -- but it is also true that receiving complements, especially sincere meaningful ones, is not something that is most men I know experience frequently. Therefore, the reaction could simply be that he is uncomfortable knowing how to respond to such things. Luckily for you, receiving complements and being asked out are very rarely a bad thing, so I'd encourage you to take that next step. Even if he isn't interested, he is likely to flattered and you won't have to spend any more energy wondering where you stand.
posted by Lame_username at 10:49 AM on July 29, 2015
posted by Lame_username at 10:49 AM on July 29, 2015
Speaking as a man who blushes easily, most of the time it doesn't have a romantic implication, it's just a startle or modesty reflex. Your friend who says men don't blush doesn't know what she's talking about, sorry.
That said, if you like someone, consider just asking them out. Studying someone for subtle signs is a sure way to make yourself and the other person anxious and confused.
posted by aught at 12:47 PM on July 29, 2015
That said, if you like someone, consider just asking them out. Studying someone for subtle signs is a sure way to make yourself and the other person anxious and confused.
posted by aught at 12:47 PM on July 29, 2015
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Sorry. But yeah, odds are that he's really into you and hasn't realized that you're really into him too. Go ahead and make the first move.
posted by Etrigan at 8:35 AM on July 28, 2015 [46 favorites]