How do I breakup with my partner in a way that is fair?
July 27, 2015 6:43 PM   Subscribe

I know I need to breakup with my partner but I have several concerns and would like to ask the community for some advice. We have been dating for about 9 months and I have been away on a job for about the last 2, will be back next week and I am feeling guilt about the details of the breakup even though I know it has to happen.

I am sure that I need to breakup with my partner. The whole time we have been together, I have felt like we should click on paper but in real life it was always like a sine wave for me. My questions/concerns are as follows:

1. I have been gone for the last 2 months for a summer job and figured out that we need to breakup about halfway through my away time. I will be back next week. I considered carefully whether I should breakup over the phone (I am 3000 miles away) and determined that an in person breakup would be best for their communication style and personality, in my opinion. Which has actually been really hard on me. I know I need to breakup as soon as I see them again and that seems like a really rough thing to do to someone. Has anyone had a similar experience? Is there some other option that I am missing or a way to frame this for myself? I feel bad about these circumstances though I realize that they were not completely in my control.

2. I have seen the breakup script that is linked here and while I do like it, I don't know if I should vocalize such a "cushioned" breakup in this instance. My reasons for breaking up with my partner are that they are more serious about the relationship than I (this could be endgame for them but it is not for me), some of their views on issues such as feminism and race relations make me mildly uncomfortable, and we had an incident involving consent in the bedroom where I think they pressured me into doing something they knew I was not okay with when I was in a compromised position (they knew I had been drinking and already had all of my clothes off). I even just hate typing that. In your opinion, should I mention any of those things or give a more generic breakup? I don't want to make them feel bad, I don't feel close partnership ties to them, which is why I want to get out of it, so I am having trouble deciding which route to go.

I want to treat this person well. For whatever reason, I feel this is a relationship I will not grieve much (one of the reasons why I should go), so I want to be sympathetic. Also, when I left for the summer, I didn't predict that we would breakup like this, and they wanted to stay together for the summer and it was not premeditated in any way. In addition, when I return in a week, I will be staying (i.e. I reside in the same city that they do and it is not a long distance relationship).

I'm sorry if this question seems obvious, I just did not expect to feel this way about this relationship and it has thrown me for a loop. Thank you everyone for considering my question.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Generic breakup. No laundry list of reasons. It's less than a year, it'll suck but it's not that invested a relationship, and they will live without you.

It's not your job to fix them on the way out. They can either figure out what they did wrong or fuck up again later, but you don't get to scold or correct because you are exiting the relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:50 PM on July 27, 2015 [10 favorites]


"I've given this a lot of thought, and I am no longer able to be in a relationship with you. I am grateful to have gotten to know you over the past few months, but know deep in my heart that this isn't the right fit for me, and I do not want to waste your time or mine by pretending otherwise. This won't change with time. I'm sorry." Then you block your partner on every social media network imaginable and on your phone too, just because it's cleaner (though it may feel mean at first). Giving reasons only gives them ammo and getting closure is their responsibility not yours.
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:57 PM on July 27, 2015 [13 favorites]


It doesn't really matter to them, ultimately, whether you give your reasons (they will surely reject any suggestion that they are insensitive racially, or that they forced you sexually;) but reading what you wrote about them, I feel like you will feel better in the short term if you get it off your chest.

In the long term, it won't matter to you either.

I would drop the "I want to be sympathetic" angle... it won't help either of you and it's kind of patronizing. Listen, it's ok to just break up by saying "hey listen, I feel like it's time for us to move on."
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:57 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hey, it's ok. Relationships end all the times for all kinds of reasons, and even though "I no longer want to date this person" is PLENTY, it sounds like you've got some pretty important, deal-breaky ones. I'm glad you had the space and time to reflect and find your voice here. Don't be so hard on yourself!

If I were you, I wouldn't go into specific reasons why. When you return, meet in a neutral but relatively private location (so he doesn't have to get up and leave your home, for instance, and so you don't feel cornered into staying to comfort him). Maybe in your car outside his place, ask him to come down and meet you? Just a thought.

Keep it short, generic, and bland. Example: "While I was gone I had some time to think about our relationship, and I don't think we're a good match." If he presses for details, just keep it surface level, "that's just how I feel," or "specifics aren't important, what's important is that I no longer want to be in a relationship with you."

Don't worry about being in the same city. I live in Chicago, a city of 2.8 million, and I run into dudes I've dated, seriously or not seriously, all the time. Sometimes it's a tad awkward but it's really not a big deal. You guys are both grown ups, you'll figure it out.
posted by phunniemee at 6:58 PM on July 27, 2015 [3 favorites]


I know I need to breakup as soon as I see them again and that seems like a really rough thing to do to someone.

It's softer than waiting. Do it quickly and cleanly.

In your opinion, should I mention any of those things or give a more generic breakup?

First one is nearly a given and is therefore irrelevant -- all breakups fundamentally come down to differences of priority, of personality, or of commitment level. Second one (politics) will simply cause a shitshow and will provide hooks for debate ("But I never said that! That's not what I meant! Really, you can't stand my POLITICS?").

Third one (consent) is important but may also not be something you want to get into because even discussing it here made you say "I even just hate typing that".

You have to look deep into your psyche and figure out if even the worst-case scenario of you discussing that with them is going to be something you can emotionally deal with. If the "hey there's this one really important thing" talk is worth the possible shitshow, screaming-yelling brouhaha. It will, in all likelihood, not be cathartic and clean. They will probably deny. So you have to be realistic about that and about what is best for you.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:58 PM on July 27, 2015


If you really were breaking up because the consent issue had continued to fester inside you, I'd talk about that, but it seems like the real issue is that things just aren't clicking. In that case, I'd just keep things generic unless you're really feeling a need/desire to discuss it.
posted by salvia at 7:00 PM on July 27, 2015


You can choose to break up in person, but it's not a strict etiquette rule, (or if it is I wave my magic wand and waive it), especially if your partner has demonstrated a willingness to throw your best interests aside to achieve their own objectives. (The flawed consent event.) It's okay to break up over the phone or to bring a witness to your discussion if your partner is at all likely to argue with you in a way that gets scary.
posted by puddledork at 7:03 PM on July 27, 2015 [6 favorites]


Yeah, and also, it's usually kinder to do it as soon as you know. In person is better, but it's really, really humiliating to be excited about your loved one coming home, and they let you believe everything was great, only to find out they've been pretending for however long. (This is why you don't pretend everything's ok for the deployed military person. It's fucking crushing to come home to.)

Your partner may even be able to tell something's wrong, but not be sure, and desperately be trying to figure out what to do to make it all better. If you know it's over, just do it.
posted by ctmf at 7:35 PM on July 27, 2015 [18 favorites]


It's kinder to do it right away, before you get home.

"I wasn't expecting to feel this way" and "This won't change with time" are PERFECTLY valid things to say.

You should do it now so they stop anticipating your arrival home.

Can you stay away or take an extra vacation before returning home? Because that would give the extra space needed. And yep, block the calls, texts, and social media when it's time. You want to be free of this.
posted by jbenben at 7:47 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


The only piece of information that your partner needs to hear is that feelings have changed and you feel it is best to go your separate ways. Do not bring up feminism or race relations. The way to be kind here is to just give the information that they are owed and nothing more.
posted by incolorinred at 8:17 PM on July 27, 2015 [4 favorites]


You're choosing to do this in person, and presumably you'll make this conversation your first priority. However, the first thing that happens when you see this person again is that they give you a big hug and probably a kiss, and tell you they missed you. There is no rule that says you have to hug them and kiss them and tell them you missed them too - and there's no rule that says that because you're breaking up it would somehow be lying if you did want to give them a hug and say "it's good to be home". My advice is, decide ahead of time how you think you will want to greet them, or at least set some boundaries (eg won't reply "love you too", or will kiss them lightly if they expect it but not making-out kind of kissing), which will help you not feel later like you panicked and responded wrong.
posted by aimedwander at 8:40 PM on July 27, 2015


If you give people reasons when you reject them, you give them an opening to "fix things" and change your mind. Whether it's a relationship or a party invite or anything else, if the answer is just no, then say no. Don't give them a list of things that they think they can work on. Break up immediately, say you don't see a future together, and just get it over with.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:51 PM on July 27, 2015 [6 favorites]


Make sure they aren't planning a big elaborate surprise welcome-home party that's going to make you feel like a huge asshole. 'Cause then when do you do it? Derail the party? After, but before the night of sexy sex they have planned, making them feel like an idiot? The morning after? Wait a week? There are no good answers.
posted by ctmf at 8:51 PM on July 27, 2015 [3 favorites]


In person is better, but it's really, really humiliating to be excited about your loved one coming home, and they let you believe everything was great, only to find out they've been pretending for however long.

I can personally vouch for this. Many years have passed and I rarely think about it but when I do (like now, thanksalot) it still feels bad.
posted by Dolley at 8:56 PM on July 27, 2015 [2 favorites]


Do it over the phone now. If I was on the receiving end, that's what I'd prefer. Go with Hermione Granger's script above and be emphatic that you're done.

During and after the break up remember: you don't owe them anything further.
posted by dry white toast at 8:59 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


I won't address whether to do it in person, since you didn't ask. But I definitely think that your script here is short and vague. You didn't expect to feel this way, and you enjoyed your time together, but you don't see a future and have decided to call things off. Maybe that the space enabled you to see that you're not right for each other. Don't get into relationship failings or your partner's failings; the time to do that was when you wanted to fix the relationship, which you don't.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:00 PM on July 27, 2015


Mod note: This is a followup from the OP:
Thank you all for your responses. I decided to breakup over the phone. I was under the impression that it was a social faux pas to breakup on the phone unless the situation was really untenable. I thought it was inherently better face to face but I see that I was caught up on my own notions. Thank you for helping me see that I cannot engineer a painfree breakup, as much as I would like to, and that the best thing to do was be truer to myself and my partner and end it over the phone. It went in a really predictable way and now we can both heal and begin to move on.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:14 PM on July 27, 2015 [26 favorites]


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