How to be sexy?
July 26, 2015 9:52 AM Subscribe
My 3-year relationship ended a couple months ago, and while I'm not at all ready for (or interested in) jumping into another relationship right now, I wouldn't mind having some fun, casual hookups. But after years of being in relationships, I'm accustomed to projecting a friendly-pal vibe; I'm not sure how to be alluring. Please coach me!
I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve spent most of my dating life in long-ish term relationships. I like go out to bars, engage in activities, and meet people, but my typical mode is more friendly and curious than anything else. I think I’ve become so accustomed to being in relationships that I project a kind of “friendly buddy” vibe. As a result, guys who might otherwise be interested in me don’t think of me In That Way. Because the tenor of the conversation starts off in a friendly way, it seems much harder to transition to anything else.
There’s lots of good advice out there about how to be a better flirt. That’s not exactly what I’m asking. If there’s a particular person I’m interested in, I know how to handle that. But you know those people who just have a sexy aura about them? I’m interested in capturing a little bit more of that vibe for myself.
I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve spent most of my dating life in long-ish term relationships. I like go out to bars, engage in activities, and meet people, but my typical mode is more friendly and curious than anything else. I think I’ve become so accustomed to being in relationships that I project a kind of “friendly buddy” vibe. As a result, guys who might otherwise be interested in me don’t think of me In That Way. Because the tenor of the conversation starts off in a friendly way, it seems much harder to transition to anything else.
There’s lots of good advice out there about how to be a better flirt. That’s not exactly what I’m asking. If there’s a particular person I’m interested in, I know how to handle that. But you know those people who just have a sexy aura about them? I’m interested in capturing a little bit more of that vibe for myself.
Sexiness and being alluring aren't really about sex, its about what you bring out in the other person that they find intoxicating...For me, I am a beautiful chameleon and time with me is amazing, the food is wonderful, the scenery is gorgeous... and I smile my personal smile and let my eyes sparkle...
I always wear the clothes and makeup I feel confident in, very girl next door. And sexiness in everyday life with my husband is very similar- its all the good stuff, but I express how happy I am with it all and how much I love my life, and what a great time I have with him... and I hold his eyes and let him see me smile.
That's my particular sexy personality... you will need to find yours! Are you childlike and sweet? Are you super smart and articulate? What is your style?
And look after yourself, mind, body and soul! You are a pampered queen that many men desire/will desire- make sure to treat yourself that way with regular exercise, films that make you happy and bring out the lover in you, paint your nails, wash your face every night, get the perfect lipstick and highlight your hair if you want. Decadently lotion your legs. Read indulgent books. You get the picture!
I suggest you read the "Art of Seduction" by the same guy who wrote the book about the laws of power. There is a great part of the book that details and describes the different types of seductive personalities.... its a great way to identify the parts of you that are sexy and alluring and draw it all together into a character that you find represents your sexy self.
posted by catspajammies at 10:08 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I always wear the clothes and makeup I feel confident in, very girl next door. And sexiness in everyday life with my husband is very similar- its all the good stuff, but I express how happy I am with it all and how much I love my life, and what a great time I have with him... and I hold his eyes and let him see me smile.
That's my particular sexy personality... you will need to find yours! Are you childlike and sweet? Are you super smart and articulate? What is your style?
And look after yourself, mind, body and soul! You are a pampered queen that many men desire/will desire- make sure to treat yourself that way with regular exercise, films that make you happy and bring out the lover in you, paint your nails, wash your face every night, get the perfect lipstick and highlight your hair if you want. Decadently lotion your legs. Read indulgent books. You get the picture!
I suggest you read the "Art of Seduction" by the same guy who wrote the book about the laws of power. There is a great part of the book that details and describes the different types of seductive personalities.... its a great way to identify the parts of you that are sexy and alluring and draw it all together into a character that you find represents your sexy self.
posted by catspajammies at 10:08 AM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
In a similar situation once, I changed up my personal care regime. Being in a long term relationship meant that I didn't really care about shaving my legs all that often, or using a really special, lovely moisturizer, or painting my toenails, or figuring out new things to do with my hair, or investing in new knickers or whatever. I'm not really a girly girl anyway, and I'm enough of a feminist to cast a jaundiced eye on the beauty industry -- but, it was both nice to spend some time getting a little bit more reacquainted with my body and senses, and it had the effect of making me feel more sex-ready when I was out and about which, in turn, encouraged a subtle change of vibe on my part that meant friendly chat became more notably sparkly with sexual innuendo. If you're already pretty thorough on your personal care regime, this might not work for you - but even then I think splurging a little to help you think of your sexy self might have the, er, desired effect.
posted by pinkacademic at 10:09 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pinkacademic at 10:09 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hmm, I'm pretty sure I also give off that friendly buddy vibe (as in I'm apparently known for being able to talk to anyone, and I enjoy that when I'm in the mood for it, and I *never* get into "sexy" talk or what have you, because I think it's both too earnest and cheesy and therefore embarrassing for everyone involved. ymmv). But this hasn't been a barrier to the kinds of experiences you're after.
I would agree that confidence, particularly physical confidence, is a game changer. For me, working out was a hugely effective confidence booster (for the reasons pinkacademic describes - it made me more body-aware, and energetic, to boot), as was amping things up in the grooming/fashion department.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would agree that confidence, particularly physical confidence, is a game changer. For me, working out was a hugely effective confidence booster (for the reasons pinkacademic describes - it made me more body-aware, and energetic, to boot), as was amping things up in the grooming/fashion department.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like this previous comment by DestinationUnknown about how to "look sexier."
posted by quincunx at 10:33 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quincunx at 10:33 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Take this advice for what it is -- my opinion. A lot of people will disagree and I might disagree with some of the following advice because people have individual tastes and desires. This is stereotypical advice that a "typical" hetero male might find attractive.
Some things that you may be doing "wrong". This makes me cringe to recommend rights and wrongs but remember this is generic advice. (I've lived a life, observed hetero males, and talked to my husband about these things so these are only my observations.)
1. "Being one of the guys" -- it doesnt matter if you like stereotypical male things like sports or cars, or can drink them under the table. If you are genuinely interested in sports or whatever, great, but it doesn't increase your alluring quotient. Pretending that you're okay with just hooking up is also not going to make you more attractive.
2. Your accomplishments. It doesn't matter if you're the boss, super intelligent, or have advanced degrees. That is nice but it doesn't make you more attractive to males. Not that they are intimidated by accomplishments but other things are more important when it comes to attraction. Don't use your accomplishments as a way to attract men, it probably won't work.
3. Tiny details like eyebrows, makeup, designer clothing. Men notice the big picture (body, face, hair) they don't know or care if your eyebrows are expertly waxed or not.
The "right" things to get the "sexy aura":
1. Confidence
2. Boundaries -- have them. People with high self-worth have strong boundaries. Men want women that think highly of themselves and vice-versa.
3. No drama. No dissing other women. No moodiness or odd behavior. Think peaceful, kind, sweet.
4. Feminine appearance and beauty. This should probably be number one on my list because it is very important. Body is probably the most important. Normal body weight uber important. Long hair. Feminine clothing (dresses, skirt, heels, stuff your average hetero male doesn't wear) and appearance. If you are a stereotypical female, think about what you're attracted to -- masculinity. Hetero men desire femininity. Stating the obvious here but I think it can be forgotten.
5. Happiness. Smiling.
P.S. I don't think you should worry about being "sexy" but instead cultivate a love for yourself (you may already love yourself plenty). You will then attract positive things into your life and not be so concerned with attracting men or being sexy or reworking yourself to some ideal sexy person. Relationships will then be a bonus, not a necessity.
posted by Fairchild at 11:16 AM on July 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Some things that you may be doing "wrong". This makes me cringe to recommend rights and wrongs but remember this is generic advice. (I've lived a life, observed hetero males, and talked to my husband about these things so these are only my observations.)
1. "Being one of the guys" -- it doesnt matter if you like stereotypical male things like sports or cars, or can drink them under the table. If you are genuinely interested in sports or whatever, great, but it doesn't increase your alluring quotient. Pretending that you're okay with just hooking up is also not going to make you more attractive.
2. Your accomplishments. It doesn't matter if you're the boss, super intelligent, or have advanced degrees. That is nice but it doesn't make you more attractive to males. Not that they are intimidated by accomplishments but other things are more important when it comes to attraction. Don't use your accomplishments as a way to attract men, it probably won't work.
3. Tiny details like eyebrows, makeup, designer clothing. Men notice the big picture (body, face, hair) they don't know or care if your eyebrows are expertly waxed or not.
The "right" things to get the "sexy aura":
1. Confidence
2. Boundaries -- have them. People with high self-worth have strong boundaries. Men want women that think highly of themselves and vice-versa.
3. No drama. No dissing other women. No moodiness or odd behavior. Think peaceful, kind, sweet.
4. Feminine appearance and beauty. This should probably be number one on my list because it is very important. Body is probably the most important. Normal body weight uber important. Long hair. Feminine clothing (dresses, skirt, heels, stuff your average hetero male doesn't wear) and appearance. If you are a stereotypical female, think about what you're attracted to -- masculinity. Hetero men desire femininity. Stating the obvious here but I think it can be forgotten.
5. Happiness. Smiling.
P.S. I don't think you should worry about being "sexy" but instead cultivate a love for yourself (you may already love yourself plenty). You will then attract positive things into your life and not be so concerned with attracting men or being sexy or reworking yourself to some ideal sexy person. Relationships will then be a bonus, not a necessity.
posted by Fairchild at 11:16 AM on July 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Let your mood sort of fill you up and express itself in your body language - flirty, predatory, sexual, coy. If you start to feel friendly buddy, think about something sexier!
Try to be in this frame of mind when you're getting ready to go out, too. It'll change how you dress.
posted by congen at 11:16 AM on July 26, 2015
Try to be in this frame of mind when you're getting ready to go out, too. It'll change how you dress.
posted by congen at 11:16 AM on July 26, 2015
Enthusiasm and interest for whatever is going on around you shows connectedness with others and with life, which is more than just being "friendly" and leads others to develop further interest in you.
Example: You're in a bar with a television or music playing.
What's on TV? What music is it? Ask someone what it is. Do you recognize it? Ask them if they've seen/heard it, too. Say something good about it; don't diss it. Is it sports? Ask what the score is. Ask someone if they've been to a game. Is it a movie? Say something good about a recent experience with whatever it is. You've got a drink in your hand? Say something good about how it tastes. Ask people about their drinks. Do they like them? Maybe you should try what they're having?
The unsexiest, drama-filled loser in the room is the one that sits back and goes, "This is stupid. Ugh. I wish they were playing something else. I hate (popular thing). The drinks at (different place) are way better."
The only thing potentially sexy and interesting about that person is how fast you can get them in bed.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:33 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Example: You're in a bar with a television or music playing.
What's on TV? What music is it? Ask someone what it is. Do you recognize it? Ask them if they've seen/heard it, too. Say something good about it; don't diss it. Is it sports? Ask what the score is. Ask someone if they've been to a game. Is it a movie? Say something good about a recent experience with whatever it is. You've got a drink in your hand? Say something good about how it tastes. Ask people about their drinks. Do they like them? Maybe you should try what they're having?
The unsexiest, drama-filled loser in the room is the one that sits back and goes, "This is stupid. Ugh. I wish they were playing something else. I hate (popular thing). The drinks at (different place) are way better."
The only thing potentially sexy and interesting about that person is how fast you can get them in bed.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:33 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've found that my body language makes a big difference. If I maintain awareness of my posture and walk with a little bit of swagger, I get more attention of that kind. Lipstick also helps (I don't usually wear makeup).
(I've also found that Tinder is the easiest way to find casual hookups, if you're comfortable with that route and the flirting/ generating interest stage isn't of specific interest to you.)
posted by metasarah at 2:31 PM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
(I've also found that Tinder is the easiest way to find casual hookups, if you're comfortable with that route and the flirting/ generating interest stage isn't of specific interest to you.)
posted by metasarah at 2:31 PM on July 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think I’ve become so accustomed to being in relationships that I project a kind of “friendly buddy” vibe. As a result, guys who might otherwise be interested in me don’t think of me In That Way.
I think you need to work on your head space. The vibe you give off is rooted in the up-front assumption that sex is out of the question because you have a man. You need to approach people with the mindset that this is an unanswered question and there is a LOT you do not know about them.
As a woman, when I interact with men who have already decided sex is out of the question, I find they unthinkingly say things that clearly exclude me from their bed. For example, they may talk about how repelled they are by certain physical traits while I stand there with that list of traits. They thus unthinkingly and routinely spell out that I am too tall, too old, too fat etc for them to think of me That Way, sometimes while clearly finding me appealing in some way but, nope, I do not have the right whatever and I am obviously not being considered as a candidate. Furthermore, they aren't bothering to even be considerate of my ego and feelings. Then if I lose weight or change my hair color and suddenly I am Their Type, I remain unreceptive to them. That decision they made up front that my sexuality does not even exist in their eyes combined with blathering on in front of me such that this was obvious to me is a decision they have to live with long term because they hurt my feelings and offended me.
I am not saying you are doing that in specific. But think about how you talk to people. I have found that if I am not very careful in how I frame certain things, men will either feel rejected or conclude they are my type based on trivialities like hair color or job title and they will do this when they barely know me and have zero context and where it would be really weird for me to try to say something like "Oh, I didn't mean I wouldn't sleep with you because of your hair color" even though it has become clear to me that's what he is thinking and it bothers him.
If you do not want to signal that a man is excluded, start by assuming that anything you say about past relationships and personal preferences and predilections is being evaluated by him to see if he is Your Type and to judge whether or not he has a shot and, thus, be very careful about what you talk about and how you talk about it. Furthermore, be aware that every scrap of info carries weight proportional to the amount of context he has, so people who barely know you will place excessive weight on trivial details because it is all they know about you.
For example, you may know that you have dated blonds, brunets and redheads and men with grey hair, but he won't know that if you do not "tell" him. So when you are making small talk to someone you barely know and you mention your blond ex, if you are not careful, he may conclude that you have a thing for blonds and he isn't blond and now he feels excluded and rejected because this is the very first mention of hair color you have made and it is all the info he has and he will thus treat it like it is all there is to you and your preferences in some sense. Yeah, it's ridiculous, but it is something that goes on. A good practice: If your ex's hair color/job title/whatever isn't relevant to the story or discussion, do not even mention it.
Furthermore, be very aware that you do not know his preferences and predilections. Do not assume he cannot be in the minority of men who actually prefers a BBW or prefers small breasts or prefers short hair. Do not talk to men you barely know as if they obviously like all the stereotypical things hetero males are statistically inclined to prefer. He is not a statistic. He is an individual, his sexuality is a private matter, and no matter how much you think he wears things on his sleeve, if you aren't sleeping with him, there is pretty much guaranteed to be a lot you just do not know about his sexuality and preferences.
Assume that the negotiation for whether or not you two will hook up began the second he laid eyes on you. Assume that every word you say is being weighed by him to determine if he thinks you could accept him and meet his needs. Assume that most of the conclusions he draws will be based on things you said that you did not believe were significant and that you sure as hell did not intend to be aimed at him, much less aimed at signaling Yes or No in this negotiation process. Think about how your casual comments and small talk might be interpreted or misinterpreted given a lack of context. Even though you probably have a specific person in mind when making certain remarks, be aware that if there is any way for him to think you meant him or any way to interpret it as a general principle and not a specific observation, you are treading on dangerous ground that can lead to horrible misunderstandings, misunderstandings that you may never be aware of and never have a chance to correct. So you need to shoot for not miss-signaling to begin with.
TLDR: Do not say No for them. Do not assume up front that you are not their type. Assume up front that they are evaluating you to see if it might work out. Do your best to not say things that up front exclude them. Try to leave the door open. You clearly know how to close that door by the way you talk. Figure out how you are doing that and stop closing that door.
If you want to spiff up your appearance, that may help or it might just attract the wrong kind of guy. In some sense, how you dress does not matter. It takes all kinds. But, work on your baseline health and fitness and, if you feel like you aren't a great dresser, educate yourself on things like good fit, what colors flatter you and that type thing. A t-shirt that is a good color for you, clean and well fitted can be perfectly sufficient. You don't really need fancy clothes. Most men care more whether they can get you out of your clothes than how you dress. An actress once said "I dress for women. I undress for men." I really think advice to work on your appearance may make money for women's magazines but doesn't have much impact on your love life.
There are a few exceptions:
A biography of a prostitute indicated that she could work her trade at the mall as long as she had long red nails and high heels. She experimented and found that putting on flats was like putting out a "closed" sign and putting her heels back on was like putting out an "open for business" sign. She wrote that, beyond the nails and heels, it did not matter what she wore. She said she could have worn a burlap sack and made bank. Also, the book Mayflower Madame indicated that call girls in the author's hire saw a serious drop in income if they cut their hair too short.
So longer hair -- worn down not up -- heels and red nail polish/a manicure may make a difference in sending the signals you want to send. Beyond that, you should be healthy and fit and smell good. I have found that my baseline health makes a big difference in how men treat me, but my weight, age and any number of other metrics that are supposed to be big issues really haven't proven to be particularly significant. My weight seems to impact who hits on me, not how much I get hit on, basically.
posted by Michele in California at 2:32 PM on July 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think you need to work on your head space. The vibe you give off is rooted in the up-front assumption that sex is out of the question because you have a man. You need to approach people with the mindset that this is an unanswered question and there is a LOT you do not know about them.
As a woman, when I interact with men who have already decided sex is out of the question, I find they unthinkingly say things that clearly exclude me from their bed. For example, they may talk about how repelled they are by certain physical traits while I stand there with that list of traits. They thus unthinkingly and routinely spell out that I am too tall, too old, too fat etc for them to think of me That Way, sometimes while clearly finding me appealing in some way but, nope, I do not have the right whatever and I am obviously not being considered as a candidate. Furthermore, they aren't bothering to even be considerate of my ego and feelings. Then if I lose weight or change my hair color and suddenly I am Their Type, I remain unreceptive to them. That decision they made up front that my sexuality does not even exist in their eyes combined with blathering on in front of me such that this was obvious to me is a decision they have to live with long term because they hurt my feelings and offended me.
I am not saying you are doing that in specific. But think about how you talk to people. I have found that if I am not very careful in how I frame certain things, men will either feel rejected or conclude they are my type based on trivialities like hair color or job title and they will do this when they barely know me and have zero context and where it would be really weird for me to try to say something like "Oh, I didn't mean I wouldn't sleep with you because of your hair color" even though it has become clear to me that's what he is thinking and it bothers him.
If you do not want to signal that a man is excluded, start by assuming that anything you say about past relationships and personal preferences and predilections is being evaluated by him to see if he is Your Type and to judge whether or not he has a shot and, thus, be very careful about what you talk about and how you talk about it. Furthermore, be aware that every scrap of info carries weight proportional to the amount of context he has, so people who barely know you will place excessive weight on trivial details because it is all they know about you.
For example, you may know that you have dated blonds, brunets and redheads and men with grey hair, but he won't know that if you do not "tell" him. So when you are making small talk to someone you barely know and you mention your blond ex, if you are not careful, he may conclude that you have a thing for blonds and he isn't blond and now he feels excluded and rejected because this is the very first mention of hair color you have made and it is all the info he has and he will thus treat it like it is all there is to you and your preferences in some sense. Yeah, it's ridiculous, but it is something that goes on. A good practice: If your ex's hair color/job title/whatever isn't relevant to the story or discussion, do not even mention it.
Furthermore, be very aware that you do not know his preferences and predilections. Do not assume he cannot be in the minority of men who actually prefers a BBW or prefers small breasts or prefers short hair. Do not talk to men you barely know as if they obviously like all the stereotypical things hetero males are statistically inclined to prefer. He is not a statistic. He is an individual, his sexuality is a private matter, and no matter how much you think he wears things on his sleeve, if you aren't sleeping with him, there is pretty much guaranteed to be a lot you just do not know about his sexuality and preferences.
Assume that the negotiation for whether or not you two will hook up began the second he laid eyes on you. Assume that every word you say is being weighed by him to determine if he thinks you could accept him and meet his needs. Assume that most of the conclusions he draws will be based on things you said that you did not believe were significant and that you sure as hell did not intend to be aimed at him, much less aimed at signaling Yes or No in this negotiation process. Think about how your casual comments and small talk might be interpreted or misinterpreted given a lack of context. Even though you probably have a specific person in mind when making certain remarks, be aware that if there is any way for him to think you meant him or any way to interpret it as a general principle and not a specific observation, you are treading on dangerous ground that can lead to horrible misunderstandings, misunderstandings that you may never be aware of and never have a chance to correct. So you need to shoot for not miss-signaling to begin with.
TLDR: Do not say No for them. Do not assume up front that you are not their type. Assume up front that they are evaluating you to see if it might work out. Do your best to not say things that up front exclude them. Try to leave the door open. You clearly know how to close that door by the way you talk. Figure out how you are doing that and stop closing that door.
If you want to spiff up your appearance, that may help or it might just attract the wrong kind of guy. In some sense, how you dress does not matter. It takes all kinds. But, work on your baseline health and fitness and, if you feel like you aren't a great dresser, educate yourself on things like good fit, what colors flatter you and that type thing. A t-shirt that is a good color for you, clean and well fitted can be perfectly sufficient. You don't really need fancy clothes. Most men care more whether they can get you out of your clothes than how you dress. An actress once said "I dress for women. I undress for men." I really think advice to work on your appearance may make money for women's magazines but doesn't have much impact on your love life.
There are a few exceptions:
A biography of a prostitute indicated that she could work her trade at the mall as long as she had long red nails and high heels. She experimented and found that putting on flats was like putting out a "closed" sign and putting her heels back on was like putting out an "open for business" sign. She wrote that, beyond the nails and heels, it did not matter what she wore. She said she could have worn a burlap sack and made bank. Also, the book Mayflower Madame indicated that call girls in the author's hire saw a serious drop in income if they cut their hair too short.
So longer hair -- worn down not up -- heels and red nail polish/a manicure may make a difference in sending the signals you want to send. Beyond that, you should be healthy and fit and smell good. I have found that my baseline health makes a big difference in how men treat me, but my weight, age and any number of other metrics that are supposed to be big issues really haven't proven to be particularly significant. My weight seems to impact who hits on me, not how much I get hit on, basically.
posted by Michele in California at 2:32 PM on July 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Lower necklines. They don't have to be scandalously low, but a low-ish neckline will get you looked at, at least. Never underestimate the power of cleavage. A woman with a low neckline, who reads as friendly and curious? She's gonna get some attention.
Dresses or skirts can help, although plenty of sexy women never wear that stuff. I'd definitely suggest makeup. Wearing minimal or no makeup is going to read as not-looking to a lot of guys. If you wear it already, maybe experiment with a dark lipstick and consider a cat-eye. Experiment with more dramatic nighttime looks, but don't do anything that feels false or weird to you. Only do stuff that seems fun.
There are all kinds of sexy, but smiling, lingering eye contact and casual touching (like on the shoulder or something) are probably gonna put a little crackle in your conversations.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:22 PM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dresses or skirts can help, although plenty of sexy women never wear that stuff. I'd definitely suggest makeup. Wearing minimal or no makeup is going to read as not-looking to a lot of guys. If you wear it already, maybe experiment with a dark lipstick and consider a cat-eye. Experiment with more dramatic nighttime looks, but don't do anything that feels false or weird to you. Only do stuff that seems fun.
There are all kinds of sexy, but smiling, lingering eye contact and casual touching (like on the shoulder or something) are probably gonna put a little crackle in your conversations.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:22 PM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't get too caught up in "universals" here. Don't feel bad if skirts aren't your thing. (Wearing heels hurts and makes me walk funny. My body looks better in tight jeans than any style of skirt. I'm not growing my nails because they aren't practical while playing bass, something men always tell me is sexy btw.) You get the picture. What works for me isn't going to attract every guy, or even most guys, but then I am not looking to attract every or most guys, and I doubt you are either.
I think I project sexiness, and approach interactions with more sexiness, when I am feeling sexy myself. Some things that make me feel sexy: feeling happy, wearing a flattering outfit that suits my own personal style, having a lot of orgasms, reading erotica, wearing special or no underwear, watching movies with actors I think are hot, listening to music that turns me on, dancing. I feel more in tune with my sexuality and the world seems sexier.
I understand the "buddy" vibe, and I don't know if your clothing or hair length will erase that. Maybe go into these interactions with more curiosity, as though they might lead somewhere other than friendship. Do you find yourself trying to put men at ease, as though they're talking to a male bud? Maybe try approaching these interactions with a more open mind, seeing where they go? This will allow you to still be yourself, but not have the role of Pal immediately.
You don't need to be some Jessica Rabbit caricature to get that aura-- you just need to tease out your sexual side a bit. Maybe for you that's nails and heels, or maybe that's feeling really good about your own damn self.
posted by kapers at 4:57 PM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think I project sexiness, and approach interactions with more sexiness, when I am feeling sexy myself. Some things that make me feel sexy: feeling happy, wearing a flattering outfit that suits my own personal style, having a lot of orgasms, reading erotica, wearing special or no underwear, watching movies with actors I think are hot, listening to music that turns me on, dancing. I feel more in tune with my sexuality and the world seems sexier.
I understand the "buddy" vibe, and I don't know if your clothing or hair length will erase that. Maybe go into these interactions with more curiosity, as though they might lead somewhere other than friendship. Do you find yourself trying to put men at ease, as though they're talking to a male bud? Maybe try approaching these interactions with a more open mind, seeing where they go? This will allow you to still be yourself, but not have the role of Pal immediately.
You don't need to be some Jessica Rabbit caricature to get that aura-- you just need to tease out your sexual side a bit. Maybe for you that's nails and heels, or maybe that's feeling really good about your own damn self.
posted by kapers at 4:57 PM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is really echoing a lot of what kapers already wrote. While I totally 100% agree that confidence is a huge factor in giving off a sexy vibes, I also think it’s important to be mindful of the fact that society’s expectations of sexiness, in the realm of heteronormativity, often (unfortunately) come along with certain ideals of femininity that not all women who are interested in men *can* or *want* to subscribe to.
If you feel your best when you have you nails done and are wearing heels and a skirt, that’s cool. But if the get-up that comes along with a certain ideal of femininity makes you uncomfortable then that’s also ok, too. I can’t stress this enough. I don’t think the goal here should be to mould yourself into an ideal that’s doesn't sit well with you. And yeah, basically, it’s not about making yourself into the image of what men (supposedly) want. It’s about being comfortable in yourself and whatever that involves, be it makeup,skirts, sneakers, overalls, galoshes. Really, whatever makes you feel your best, sexiest self.
Perhaps as somewhat of a side-note, I have a queer, masculine of centre friend who occasionally enjoys having casual hook-ups with men. And for her, what’s worked, is if there’s a man she’s interested in sexually, she'll ask him if he’s interested in having sex with her (or whatever). Sometimes the answer is no, but she’s also told me she’s gotten some good sex out of the deal.
posted by twill at 6:37 PM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you feel your best when you have you nails done and are wearing heels and a skirt, that’s cool. But if the get-up that comes along with a certain ideal of femininity makes you uncomfortable then that’s also ok, too. I can’t stress this enough. I don’t think the goal here should be to mould yourself into an ideal that’s doesn't sit well with you. And yeah, basically, it’s not about making yourself into the image of what men (supposedly) want. It’s about being comfortable in yourself and whatever that involves, be it makeup,skirts, sneakers, overalls, galoshes. Really, whatever makes you feel your best, sexiest self.
Perhaps as somewhat of a side-note, I have a queer, masculine of centre friend who occasionally enjoys having casual hook-ups with men. And for her, what’s worked, is if there’s a man she’s interested in sexually, she'll ask him if he’s interested in having sex with her (or whatever). Sometimes the answer is no, but she’s also told me she’s gotten some good sex out of the deal.
posted by twill at 6:37 PM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
What is your gender? That may or may not help guide people's advice.
posted by threeants at 8:28 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by threeants at 8:28 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
"People will never forget how you made them feel."
Playful, adventurous, open, curious - these are universally sexy traits, because they are in essence engaging. They bring out the other person's sense of fun and imagination. They make the other person feel they can open up to you, free to be who they want to be.
And yes, confidence. Know that you're desirable. Being comfortable in your body shows in the way you move. Dance, yoga, any discipline focused on awareness of your movements can make a big difference. Take pride in your appearance and draw some attention to your assets, make it at least somewhat intentional so it's clear that you take care of yourself, and that you're available.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:19 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Playful, adventurous, open, curious - these are universally sexy traits, because they are in essence engaging. They bring out the other person's sense of fun and imagination. They make the other person feel they can open up to you, free to be who they want to be.
And yes, confidence. Know that you're desirable. Being comfortable in your body shows in the way you move. Dance, yoga, any discipline focused on awareness of your movements can make a big difference. Take pride in your appearance and draw some attention to your assets, make it at least somewhat intentional so it's clear that you take care of yourself, and that you're available.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:19 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Whatever your gender is, these things might help:
- Exercise. Get your endorphins pumping.
- Figure out what clothes you feel best in and wear that.
- Try to make sure you smell good.
- Improve your communication skills -- know how to be a good listener (that's quite a sexy trait to many people) -- but also learn how to open up appropriately.
- Practice being and feeling comfortable in your own skin - whatever that means to you.
- Be a bit mysterious. It seems you think you come off as "too" friendly and approchable.. it might help if you projected the vibe of someone who has a cool, interesting secret.
- About having a cool, interesting secret.. it's better if this is not an act and is actually true -- in other words, have something cool and interesting going on in your life that you are willing to share with someone you're interested in. It's sexy when someone is into something -- passionate about something. Have a hobby, a craft, a passion, something that you enjoy, that you're good at..
- Volunteer and help people. Personally I find selflessness to be a very sexy trait.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:44 AM on July 27, 2015
- Exercise. Get your endorphins pumping.
- Figure out what clothes you feel best in and wear that.
- Try to make sure you smell good.
- Improve your communication skills -- know how to be a good listener (that's quite a sexy trait to many people) -- but also learn how to open up appropriately.
- Practice being and feeling comfortable in your own skin - whatever that means to you.
- Be a bit mysterious. It seems you think you come off as "too" friendly and approchable.. it might help if you projected the vibe of someone who has a cool, interesting secret.
- About having a cool, interesting secret.. it's better if this is not an act and is actually true -- in other words, have something cool and interesting going on in your life that you are willing to share with someone you're interested in. It's sexy when someone is into something -- passionate about something. Have a hobby, a craft, a passion, something that you enjoy, that you're good at..
- Volunteer and help people. Personally I find selflessness to be a very sexy trait.
posted by Gray Skies at 7:44 AM on July 27, 2015
As I man, I find the single most important aspect of sexual attraction is physical fitness. Scientists who look into this sort of thing say the most important is the ratio of waist measurement to hip measurement.
That said, body language is important, especially where you are looking. Are you checking the guy out, looking at him when he talks? Are you ever so slightly encroaching on his space? Or are your arms crossed across your bosom while you stare at the Coors sign over the bar?
posted by SemiSalt at 12:15 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said, body language is important, especially where you are looking. Are you checking the guy out, looking at him when he talks? Are you ever so slightly encroaching on his space? Or are your arms crossed across your bosom while you stare at the Coors sign over the bar?
posted by SemiSalt at 12:15 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I believe that most of the "sexy aura" is confidence.
Since I started stripping and gained a lot of confidence, strangers are more likely to strike up conversations: walking down the street, waiting in line, sitting at a bar, etc. No matter whether I'm wearing a cocktail gown, pantsuit, or sweatshirt and jeans, no matter if I'm hiding behind sunglasses and headphones. If you walk with confidence, everybody wants to know why.
But if it were easy to walk with confidence, everybody would do it. You have to actually feel good in your own skin. You have to walk down the street with a positive energy, but an independent energy, not dependent on the validation of others.
BODY LANGUAGE
- Posture is critical to exuding confidence. Sit up straight, stand up straight. (Also, want bigger boobs and a flatter tummy in 3 seconds?)
- Walk in a straight line with your chin held high. No need to rush, but don't meander; you're a sexy woman with places to go and people to see.
- Interact with your hair as appropriate. Toss it, touch it, fluff it—whatever feels natural and not conspicuous. Men love to touch hair, and if you're touching your hair, it may make them want to touch your hair. (This is the bane of my existence as a stripper, because men always want to run their greasy fingers through my hair. But I digress.)
- Face the person and make eye contact. When sitting, turn towards the person and lean in slightly. You don't need to invade their personal bubble but you want to signal that they have your attention.
- Smile. YMMV here, but for me—this hard to describe—I often go for a slight smile with eyebrows raised and narrowed ever-so-slightly, like this situation is pleasantly amusing and interesting. During the dance—again, hard to describe—I often do a bigger smile with a little glitter to the eye, like I know a sexy secret and I'm teasingly going to let them in on it. But the latter is definitely deliberate flirting, and I would never do it to someone I'm not actively trying to seduce.
APPEARANCE, ETC.
From my observations in the strip club and the real world, the most important aspect of your appearance affecting your sexy aura is "looking polished." It's the overall combination of a bunch of little things, and luckily, most of them are pretty easy. I like the previously-mentioned comment by Destination Unknown.
- Nails are often overlooked but critical to looking polished. I often go with the classic French manicure and pedicure because they go with everything, but any color works as long as it isn't chipped or messy.
- Make-up (for most people): eyebrows evenly shaped and filled in, eyelashes curled, mascara. You don't necessarily need anything flashy here, though as a data point, I have noticed that red lipstick will change the way men interact with me so that they are more likely to verbalize their thoughts about my appearance.
- Wear underwear that fits. I cannot emphasize this enough. No lumps or bulges.
- White teeth. I do just fine with the over-the-counter teeth whitening products available at pharmacies.
- Breath mints. This is so important. I inhale breath mints roughly every half-hour while working.
POSITIVE ENERGY
Even outside of the club, I always answer "how are you?" by saying that I feel great—not just "good," but fantastic, splendid, excellent, whatever. If you do it in the right upbeat-quirky manner, four out of five times, this will cause the other person to break out in a wide smile. This is a good sign that you are successfully spreading your positive energy.
I tell new girls in the industry, "You're a stripper. If you don't have anything nice to say, make shit up." Of course, in the real world, you don't want to make things up and you don't need to wear a mask of happiness 24/7, but my underlying point is that happy people are attractive.
Not everything on this list may make sense for you personally, but I hope it provides some food for thought. Best of luck with your casual hookups!
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
Since I started stripping and gained a lot of confidence, strangers are more likely to strike up conversations: walking down the street, waiting in line, sitting at a bar, etc. No matter whether I'm wearing a cocktail gown, pantsuit, or sweatshirt and jeans, no matter if I'm hiding behind sunglasses and headphones. If you walk with confidence, everybody wants to know why.
But if it were easy to walk with confidence, everybody would do it. You have to actually feel good in your own skin. You have to walk down the street with a positive energy, but an independent energy, not dependent on the validation of others.
BODY LANGUAGE
- Posture is critical to exuding confidence. Sit up straight, stand up straight. (Also, want bigger boobs and a flatter tummy in 3 seconds?)
- Walk in a straight line with your chin held high. No need to rush, but don't meander; you're a sexy woman with places to go and people to see.
- Interact with your hair as appropriate. Toss it, touch it, fluff it—whatever feels natural and not conspicuous. Men love to touch hair, and if you're touching your hair, it may make them want to touch your hair. (This is the bane of my existence as a stripper, because men always want to run their greasy fingers through my hair. But I digress.)
- Face the person and make eye contact. When sitting, turn towards the person and lean in slightly. You don't need to invade their personal bubble but you want to signal that they have your attention.
- Smile. YMMV here, but for me—this hard to describe—I often go for a slight smile with eyebrows raised and narrowed ever-so-slightly, like this situation is pleasantly amusing and interesting. During the dance—again, hard to describe—I often do a bigger smile with a little glitter to the eye, like I know a sexy secret and I'm teasingly going to let them in on it. But the latter is definitely deliberate flirting, and I would never do it to someone I'm not actively trying to seduce.
APPEARANCE, ETC.
From my observations in the strip club and the real world, the most important aspect of your appearance affecting your sexy aura is "looking polished." It's the overall combination of a bunch of little things, and luckily, most of them are pretty easy. I like the previously-mentioned comment by Destination Unknown.
- Nails are often overlooked but critical to looking polished. I often go with the classic French manicure and pedicure because they go with everything, but any color works as long as it isn't chipped or messy.
- Make-up (for most people): eyebrows evenly shaped and filled in, eyelashes curled, mascara. You don't necessarily need anything flashy here, though as a data point, I have noticed that red lipstick will change the way men interact with me so that they are more likely to verbalize their thoughts about my appearance.
- Wear underwear that fits. I cannot emphasize this enough. No lumps or bulges.
- White teeth. I do just fine with the over-the-counter teeth whitening products available at pharmacies.
- Breath mints. This is so important. I inhale breath mints roughly every half-hour while working.
POSITIVE ENERGY
Even outside of the club, I always answer "how are you?" by saying that I feel great—not just "good," but fantastic, splendid, excellent, whatever. If you do it in the right upbeat-quirky manner, four out of five times, this will cause the other person to break out in a wide smile. This is a good sign that you are successfully spreading your positive energy.
I tell new girls in the industry, "You're a stripper. If you don't have anything nice to say, make shit up." Of course, in the real world, you don't want to make things up and you don't need to wear a mask of happiness 24/7, but my underlying point is that happy people are attractive.
Not everything on this list may make sense for you personally, but I hope it provides some food for thought. Best of luck with your casual hookups!
posted by Peppermint Snowflake at 9:11 AM on July 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
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