Gift to Wedding Officiant
July 22, 2015 5:06 PM   Subscribe

The priest from my church will be marrying us. He is not asking for a fee, so we'd like to make a contribution to the church and a gift to him. Any thoughts on what would be appropriate?

It feels a little weird to give him money because it feels very transactional and we have a friendship with him, but maybe I'm just not very good about mixing business with my personal affairs. Give $200 to the church? $100 amazon gift card so he can buy books, etc? He does a lot of work that is deeply rooted in youth issues and issues of violence, Episcopalian, low-key, at a Spanish bilingual church with a diverse congregation if any of these details help.
posted by noonday to Work & Money (15 answers total)
 
You could make a donation to a local youth program he works at or for in his name and writing a heartfelt letter saying how pleased you were to have him officiate with a gift card for his own spending.
posted by jessamyn at 5:16 PM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]


Any thoughts on what would be appropriate?

Give him a blank check in the amount a typical non-religious officiant would charge in your area.

It feels a little weird to give him money because it feels very transactional

If he is doing this solely out of friendship, he'll reject the check.
posted by saeculorum at 5:17 PM on July 22, 2015


We donated some flowers and plants for the parish gardens. Maybe something like that?

For Catholic ceremonies I've also seen wedding flowers donated to decorate the altar for the Mass the following Sunday.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 5:28 PM on July 22, 2015


Monetarily, $200 is appropriate.

For a more personal thing, you can call the church's rectory and ask the secretary if she (always she!) has any ideas what would be meaningful to the priest. Our priest declined the fee (saying, "The grace of God is free"); we donated a classroom set of English-Spanish readers for the high-poverty K-8 parish school that he was deeply committed to. We called the church secretary and just explained we wanted to make a specific donation in honor of our wedding, and we'd like it to be something that was particularly close to Father Joe's heart. She had half a dozen suggestions for us!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:29 PM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]


When I had a minister for my moms funeral (and we were not any kind of regular attendees), I picked up the suggestion that they had a minister's discretionary fund for taking care of people in need and maybe misc church needs. So, belatedly, I mailed a $300 check, but I was feeling kind of flush at the time.
posted by puddledork at 5:56 PM on July 22, 2015


I wouldn't give him a gift, merely a very heartfelt thank you, but I would give a donation to a cause he strongly supports up to most of the cost of a marriage celebrant in your neighbourhood (ours cost $750). And if you choose to request charitable donations instead of wedding gifts, you could ask for his advice in that direction.
posted by wilful at 6:11 PM on July 22, 2015


In this case, if you want to give something to him directly, it seems like the kind of consumable thank yous that get suggested in other threads are appropriate - nice coffee or tea or chocolate or a bottle of something, something a social justice oriented priest isn't likely to spend money on themselves but is likely to be enjoyed?
posted by joycehealy at 6:15 PM on July 22, 2015


My dad is a priest who does a lot of weddings. He always appreciates a nice photo of him with the couple, in a little frame. He has whole shelves in his study lined with those pictures!
But yeah, a donation in his name to a cause he believes in would be perfect.
posted by lollusc at 6:20 PM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]


In our synagogue, the rabbis each have a discretionary fund that they spend any where they think it is needed (provided it is consistent with the general mission and nonprofit status of the organization). They use to buy something that they need or fund a pet project or even donate to a person or program with greater need. Call the office and ask the secretary about it.
posted by metahawk at 6:22 PM on July 22, 2015


When the rabbi turned down our honorarium, we donated to the Rabbi's discretionary fund as per metahawk above.
posted by AugustWest at 6:46 PM on July 22, 2015


Our priests (Episcopalian) also have discretionary fund accounts. That would be my suggestion, if your priest has one.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:45 PM on July 22, 2015


Give him the money you were going to spend on his fee. If he declines, then tell him to donate it to whatever charity he favors.
posted by inturnaround at 8:29 PM on July 22, 2015


Definitely offer money. Ministers don't make much and there are always work related expenses. If it is turned down then the donation or photo ideas sound good. Also, consider donating some of your leftover flowers to the church. A nice arrangement for the altar is usually appreciated.
posted by irisclara at 10:02 PM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


A discretionary fund donation and a photo are both certain to be welcomed. You might also get him a treat he normally wouldn't have in his budget - tickets to a ballgame or concert or theater production.

What our priest really wants is to see people in the pews on Sundays. If you aren't currently regular attendees, then visiting a bit more often would be noticed and appreciated.
posted by 26.2 at 11:30 PM on July 22, 2015


The minister who married us charges $500 if you're not a member, nothing if you are. We took this as our cue to donate $500 to the church itself, and wrote him a heartfelt thank you card.
posted by Miko at 4:13 PM on July 23, 2015


« Older How do I make the most of this apartment layout?   |   How do I deal with contemptuous people? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.