Figuring out your relationship as a younger sister
July 17, 2015 12:28 PM Subscribe
I have an older half-sister, who I refer to as my sister because we are (were) very close. She is 14 years older than me. I am 23. Due to the age gap, we now have an odd sibling relationship, and I'm trying to figure out my place in it.
My sister grew up pretending I was her baby doll. She would change my diapers and act as a second mom when my parents were busy. I remember her going off to college when I was little, I was her biggest admirer. She carried a picture of me in her wallet and show me to her friends as "her little one." It never seemed different, I always thought it was a normal sibling relationship because I didn't know any other. I remember friends who had siblings closer to their age and they would always fight in the yard or such, but that never happened with me and my sister, and I thought that was super cool. I thought woahhhh we're like the coolest siblings.
Anyways, fast forward to me growing up and all of that changing drastically. Once I got to college, I felt like I had two mothers--my mom and my sister. My sis was the cooler, more open mom that I could tell boy troubles to and she would give me advice, but something changed when I turned 21.
Suddenly I could drink and I was out with my sister and her husband for her birthday sharing a drink (sorta nervously since not many people in my family drink). My sister was having a little too much to drink, and was hitting me on the legs and tapping me on the face. I told her to stop, then firmly again when she wouldn't. finally I grabbed her hand and said "Sis, stop!" This set something off, and she hit me hard in the face, and told me I was being disrespectful. It hurt, emotionally and physically. I left the place crying because I was shocked, that had never happened before.
Later...much later, she said she was sorry and that she wasn't handling the fact that I was growing up very well. In the next years, her attitude towards me drinking has flipped. She pressures me to drink with her (I guess to compensate for behavior before?) even when I say I don't want to.
I've become more nervous around her. I've always been sort of afraid of her, in like an intimidated-of-my-mom sense because she's always been motherly and older than me. Sometimes I'm afraid of her getting angry with me.
Currently, I'm living with her and her husband for the summer for an internship. She has many rules for me to follow (her house, her rules, totally get that) that I've been trying to obey. We only get in big fights when I'm giving her "an attitude" and not being respectful, like if I say something sarcastically or don't thank her for going to a restaurant with me. I rebuttal that we're sisters, not mother and daughter, I would think it would be ok to have a more casual interaction. No real response, just more anger.
I'm not sure what I can do to improve our relationship. I want to be able to grow up and become friends like my other closer in age sibling friends are. I want to be able to have an adult to adult relationship with my sister in the future, not like a mother and daughter. Maybe it won't happen until I turn 30 and have kids? Or maybe it never will happen because of our age gap?
Question: how can I find my relationship with my older (with a larger age gap) sister? How can I start forming an adult relationship where there is mutual respect? And how can I stop being so afraid like I would when my mom would get mad at me when I was little? (I'm not even afraid of my mom anymore! It's only with my older sister!)
My sister grew up pretending I was her baby doll. She would change my diapers and act as a second mom when my parents were busy. I remember her going off to college when I was little, I was her biggest admirer. She carried a picture of me in her wallet and show me to her friends as "her little one." It never seemed different, I always thought it was a normal sibling relationship because I didn't know any other. I remember friends who had siblings closer to their age and they would always fight in the yard or such, but that never happened with me and my sister, and I thought that was super cool. I thought woahhhh we're like the coolest siblings.
Anyways, fast forward to me growing up and all of that changing drastically. Once I got to college, I felt like I had two mothers--my mom and my sister. My sis was the cooler, more open mom that I could tell boy troubles to and she would give me advice, but something changed when I turned 21.
Suddenly I could drink and I was out with my sister and her husband for her birthday sharing a drink (sorta nervously since not many people in my family drink). My sister was having a little too much to drink, and was hitting me on the legs and tapping me on the face. I told her to stop, then firmly again when she wouldn't. finally I grabbed her hand and said "Sis, stop!" This set something off, and she hit me hard in the face, and told me I was being disrespectful. It hurt, emotionally and physically. I left the place crying because I was shocked, that had never happened before.
Later...much later, she said she was sorry and that she wasn't handling the fact that I was growing up very well. In the next years, her attitude towards me drinking has flipped. She pressures me to drink with her (I guess to compensate for behavior before?) even when I say I don't want to.
I've become more nervous around her. I've always been sort of afraid of her, in like an intimidated-of-my-mom sense because she's always been motherly and older than me. Sometimes I'm afraid of her getting angry with me.
Currently, I'm living with her and her husband for the summer for an internship. She has many rules for me to follow (her house, her rules, totally get that) that I've been trying to obey. We only get in big fights when I'm giving her "an attitude" and not being respectful, like if I say something sarcastically or don't thank her for going to a restaurant with me. I rebuttal that we're sisters, not mother and daughter, I would think it would be ok to have a more casual interaction. No real response, just more anger.
I'm not sure what I can do to improve our relationship. I want to be able to grow up and become friends like my other closer in age sibling friends are. I want to be able to have an adult to adult relationship with my sister in the future, not like a mother and daughter. Maybe it won't happen until I turn 30 and have kids? Or maybe it never will happen because of our age gap?
Question: how can I find my relationship with my older (with a larger age gap) sister? How can I start forming an adult relationship where there is mutual respect? And how can I stop being so afraid like I would when my mom would get mad at me when I was little? (I'm not even afraid of my mom anymore! It's only with my older sister!)
"Sis, I love you dearly, but you are my sister, not my mother. I so much appreciate that you love me enough to let me stay with you and your family right now, but we are at a stage in our lives where we need to talk honestly and openly about our relationship as sisters and how we can be respectful and loving."
Plan ahead the top 5 things that you guys need to work on and focus on that in a discussion.
Choose a time when you are both calm and in a good place.
Pick a place where it is quiet and no one else can get involved and no drinking is involved.
Be strong. If anything has to change, it has to come from you. Good luck!
posted by HeyAllie at 12:49 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Plan ahead the top 5 things that you guys need to work on and focus on that in a discussion.
Choose a time when you are both calm and in a good place.
Pick a place where it is quiet and no one else can get involved and no drinking is involved.
Be strong. If anything has to change, it has to come from you. Good luck!
posted by HeyAllie at 12:49 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
What the fuck. You're "giving her an attitude"? And being "disrespectful"? She's the one acting like a spoiled child here. There's nothing that you can do to fix this (short of capitulating and continuing to be the subordinate that she apparently wants).
You've already taken the first step to an adult relationship by establishing a boundary. And please note that her actions are way out of line for any family member. If your mom treated you the way she has, you'd be perfectly within your rights to demand your mom make the same changes.
Just because she's 14 years older than you doesn't mean that she's always going to be the adult.
posted by disconnect at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
You've already taken the first step to an adult relationship by establishing a boundary. And please note that her actions are way out of line for any family member. If your mom treated you the way she has, you'd be perfectly within your rights to demand your mom make the same changes.
Just because she's 14 years older than you doesn't mean that she's always going to be the adult.
posted by disconnect at 1:23 PM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
A lot of her behavior sounds like alcoholism, or behavior fueled by alcohol. I would go to Al Anon, which is an incredible community of friends and family impacted by alcohol. Even if its not straight up alcoholism its a great community and free therapy.
It's not you. Don't blame yourself and take care of yourself. You sound so mature and wise for your age. You're growing up into a beautiful adult.
posted by pando11 at 1:42 PM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's not you. Don't blame yourself and take care of yourself. You sound so mature and wise for your age. You're growing up into a beautiful adult.
posted by pando11 at 1:42 PM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
maybe i'm a coward, but i'd probably wait til i move out before taking this much further (and i might look for an excuse for that to be sooner rather than later). i think the second answer here is on the right lines, when you do. everyone else seems to be making cultural assumptions that may not be right. to me, she sounds unhappy, perhaps even resentful of your "better" life in some way? but that's just my cultural assumptions...
posted by andrewcooke at 1:50 PM on July 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 1:50 PM on July 17, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm a much-older half sister whose younger siblings could have written the first paragraph (although I've never been cool). They're around your age, too. The transition from second mom to peer is a tough one, especially if you're living with her, which is likely to be making her feel that mothering role even more strongly. I have a difficult time walking that line.
However, it being a hard transition to walk doesn't mean that she gets to slap you, make you uncomfortable, and require that you are grateful for something that most people would find fun. That's really awful. It sounds like she doesn't want to be your peer, not really; she still wants to tell you what to do and receive parental levels of respect and be in total control. Ick.
I dunno. Even if she were treating you well, I'd suggest that the relationship just isn't ever going to be like closer-aged siblings who grew up as peers. My sisters and I have totally different cultural touchstones; we really grew up in two different families. As it is, she's not treating you well. I would be really careful and not have this conversation right now. Give her what space you can while you are living with her, treat her like a distant auntie doing you a huge favor, take the communication levels down a whole lot for a few weeks after you leave to cool off, and bring this up again in a few months if you find you still want to have a closer relationship.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:01 PM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
However, it being a hard transition to walk doesn't mean that she gets to slap you, make you uncomfortable, and require that you are grateful for something that most people would find fun. That's really awful. It sounds like she doesn't want to be your peer, not really; she still wants to tell you what to do and receive parental levels of respect and be in total control. Ick.
I dunno. Even if she were treating you well, I'd suggest that the relationship just isn't ever going to be like closer-aged siblings who grew up as peers. My sisters and I have totally different cultural touchstones; we really grew up in two different families. As it is, she's not treating you well. I would be really careful and not have this conversation right now. Give her what space you can while you are living with her, treat her like a distant auntie doing you a huge favor, take the communication levels down a whole lot for a few weeks after you leave to cool off, and bring this up again in a few months if you find you still want to have a closer relationship.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:01 PM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
My sister and I also have a similar age gap. It was difficult for me to accept her as an adult peer, and I probably didn't really until she had crossed a significant adult threshold, which was moving in with a (utterly useless, long gone) boyfriend. So some of what you're looking for may just be about you reaching an age where age gaps become much less significant.
The rest of what you describe isn't about the age gap; it's about your sister's inappropriate and outlandish behaviour. If you feel her drinking is a component of this, then yes Al-Anon, but I would also raise this with your brother-in-law and ask him what he thought of the altercation and if he has any recent concerns about any changes in her behaviour.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
The rest of what you describe isn't about the age gap; it's about your sister's inappropriate and outlandish behaviour. If you feel her drinking is a component of this, then yes Al-Anon, but I would also raise this with your brother-in-law and ask him what he thought of the altercation and if he has any recent concerns about any changes in her behaviour.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing what everyone else has said about how inappropriate the slapping is as well as the drinking. And I don't love the confusion of parent-sibling roles, either. But I'm chiming in - as a divorced spouse with an older kid who just recently found himself the big half brother and not on my side of the equation - to say that the dynamics of your current relationship with your half sister may reflect a long history that you, as the much younger sibling, haven't had access to yet and may be getting a weird taste of now. All of that is to say, maybe there's a weird dynamic going on that runs up the genealogical tree from your half sister to your/her parents here that might offer you some insight into how she's engaging with you now.
posted by pinkacademic at 2:38 PM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by pinkacademic at 2:38 PM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
The dynamic probably won't change if her response to your objecting to the nature of your relationship is anger.
She's happy with the dynamic as it is; it takes two to change things, she's not willing to do that. I'm sorry. You're left with what's on offer (more of the same), or to distance yourself from her.
Nthing that slapping is right out of line, and that her relationship with alcohol doesn't sound good.
You have a right to expect someone to stop doing something when you ask them to, especially when it comes to your body. 'Their rights end where your nose begins', as the saying goes.
If you're afraid that the response to asserting yourself is a tantrum or emotional blackmail, *definitely* distance yourself from that person. I would suggest planning that now. This book may help? I hope so.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 3:16 PM on July 17, 2015
She's happy with the dynamic as it is; it takes two to change things, she's not willing to do that. I'm sorry. You're left with what's on offer (more of the same), or to distance yourself from her.
Nthing that slapping is right out of line, and that her relationship with alcohol doesn't sound good.
You have a right to expect someone to stop doing something when you ask them to, especially when it comes to your body. 'Their rights end where your nose begins', as the saying goes.
If you're afraid that the response to asserting yourself is a tantrum or emotional blackmail, *definitely* distance yourself from that person. I would suggest planning that now. This book may help? I hope so.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 3:16 PM on July 17, 2015
I've got a sister who's ten years younger than me and I've sometimes felt caught between parent and sibling. As she's entered adulthood, though, I've tried to guide her away from repeating the stupid shit I did. But I could see how an older sibling, moving into their mid-late thirties and with some baggage and regrets about their life choices, might take their issues out on a younger sibling who is just coming into her own. A lot of us would do things very differently if we could be 23 again.
It took me awhile to get a good handle on the kinds of theatrics people can pull in intimate/family situations (at the age of 23 I was pretty much completely oblivious), but your sister setting strict rules/offering you a place to stay for the summer/feeling wounded when you don't thank her sound to me like persecutor/rescuer/victim role switches in the Karpman Drama Triangle. joseph conrad is fully awesome's recommended reading also looks pretty solid.
To answer your question, though, you can't form a mutually respectful relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. You would do well, too, I think, to listen to those feelings of fear you have towards her, because it's perfectly reasonable to be wary of anger from someone who's hit you in the past and who doesn't seem to be able to deal with anger constructively! Finally, if your sister has manipulative tendencies, your desire to have a good relationship with her is something that gives her some power over you. I think you'll be more at peace when you accept that you've done what you can and it's beyond your control at this point. (And move out.)
posted by alphanerd at 4:08 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It took me awhile to get a good handle on the kinds of theatrics people can pull in intimate/family situations (at the age of 23 I was pretty much completely oblivious), but your sister setting strict rules/offering you a place to stay for the summer/feeling wounded when you don't thank her sound to me like persecutor/rescuer/victim role switches in the Karpman Drama Triangle. joseph conrad is fully awesome's recommended reading also looks pretty solid.
To answer your question, though, you can't form a mutually respectful relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. You would do well, too, I think, to listen to those feelings of fear you have towards her, because it's perfectly reasonable to be wary of anger from someone who's hit you in the past and who doesn't seem to be able to deal with anger constructively! Finally, if your sister has manipulative tendencies, your desire to have a good relationship with her is something that gives her some power over you. I think you'll be more at peace when you accept that you've done what you can and it's beyond your control at this point. (And move out.)
posted by alphanerd at 4:08 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
For your own safety and mental health as well as any potential relationship you might want with your sister, you need to move out of her house. There are some behaviors you're going to have to deal with while you're living under her roof that just aren't healthy, but only you can decide if/how long that's worth not paying rent. That might sound mercenary, but that's the trade off you're looking at right now. The power dynamic you're describing might change while she controls the roof over your head, but it sounds more likely that if you address it, your relationship will get ugly.
Moving out will help reinforce that you're an adult for BOTH of you. It will also give you the option of setting and enforcing your boundaries. If she continues to make you uncomfortable after you've told her what's bothering you and why, you'll have the option of removing yourself from the situation until she understands/respects those boundaries.
posted by estelahe at 4:10 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Moving out will help reinforce that you're an adult for BOTH of you. It will also give you the option of setting and enforcing your boundaries. If she continues to make you uncomfortable after you've told her what's bothering you and why, you'll have the option of removing yourself from the situation until she understands/respects those boundaries.
posted by estelahe at 4:10 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
For now, since she seems quite volatile and inflexible, I'd leave things be and try to stay out of her way. You're staying at her home and I'm assuming that her kicking you out or becoming hostile would be a bad situation for you at this point. After you're done with staying with her, you can start discussing some of these issues and changing the dynamics of your relationship if she's willing. It's certainly possible that she may start to recognize that you're an adult and treat you accordingly, or if she's more invested in you being some proxy baby to her, she may elect to never see you as an adult. You can establish boundaries and relationships accordingly.
posted by quince at 4:13 PM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 4:13 PM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think Tchemgrrl is offering good, informed advice. It is totally inappropriate that your sister slapped you. She was drunk, but when we're drunk and acting like idiots we're usually acting on bad impulses we have the sense to repress when we're sober. It sounds like she is really bothered by you becoming an adult... maybe that makes her feel old? I don't know. Whatever is behind it, slapping you is just awful behavior. (These were just little swats, right? Because if she ever hauled off and slapped you, we are talking about abuse and in that case it's best for you to get out of there ASAP.)
I'd agree that while you're staying with her it's probably best to just do what you can to keep things pleasant. Don't sacrifice your dignity, but just be a little distant and try not to break her "rules". Don't kiss her butt, but try to avoid giving her reasons to be upset. Once you're out of there, have the talk. She will probably always think of you as a kid in some ways, but hopefully as she sees you living your life it will sink in that you are an actual grownup now.
I find myself wondering if it might be a good idea to talk to your mom about this, and have her address it wit your sister. The downside there is that it could reinforce the idea that you are a little baby girl who needs mommy to fight her battles. The potential upside is that if she hears your mom say, "Look, you are not your sister's mom. Your sister has only one mom, and that's me," it may actually get through to your sister and remind her that she is your peer and not your parent.
It's an idea, anyhow. I'd be curious what other posters think of it.
I'm curious about her husband's role in all this. Does he treat you like a kid too? Does he ever take your side?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:03 PM on July 17, 2015
I'd agree that while you're staying with her it's probably best to just do what you can to keep things pleasant. Don't sacrifice your dignity, but just be a little distant and try not to break her "rules". Don't kiss her butt, but try to avoid giving her reasons to be upset. Once you're out of there, have the talk. She will probably always think of you as a kid in some ways, but hopefully as she sees you living your life it will sink in that you are an actual grownup now.
I find myself wondering if it might be a good idea to talk to your mom about this, and have her address it wit your sister. The downside there is that it could reinforce the idea that you are a little baby girl who needs mommy to fight her battles. The potential upside is that if she hears your mom say, "Look, you are not your sister's mom. Your sister has only one mom, and that's me," it may actually get through to your sister and remind her that she is your peer and not your parent.
It's an idea, anyhow. I'd be curious what other posters think of it.
I'm curious about her husband's role in all this. Does he treat you like a kid too? Does he ever take your side?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:03 PM on July 17, 2015
As an older sister (my younger (half-)sister is 12 years younger than me, but she's still young), the relationship can be a lot like parent-child. Depending on the situation it can be more parent-child than sibling. And I think that's okay.
The bigger problem in your relationship with her is how she treats you, not the type of relationship it is. Even if it were a parent-child relationship, what she has done and continues to do would not be okay. The physical violence and need for utter control are not okay. Even a mother would have to eventually treat you like a peer--or lose the relationship completely.
Honestly, it sounds like she has bigger issues than you can deal with. If I were you, I would try to hang on until I can move out. (If moving out before then is not an option.) I think it would be much easier to maintain your boundaries and have a peer relationship if you're not depending on her for housing.
posted by ethidda at 7:54 PM on July 17, 2015
The bigger problem in your relationship with her is how she treats you, not the type of relationship it is. Even if it were a parent-child relationship, what she has done and continues to do would not be okay. The physical violence and need for utter control are not okay. Even a mother would have to eventually treat you like a peer--or lose the relationship completely.
Honestly, it sounds like she has bigger issues than you can deal with. If I were you, I would try to hang on until I can move out. (If moving out before then is not an option.) I think it would be much easier to maintain your boundaries and have a peer relationship if you're not depending on her for housing.
posted by ethidda at 7:54 PM on July 17, 2015
I can relate to your situation so much. I have a sibling that has a lot of control and anger issues towards me and we are currently living together as well. It has been very upsetting so I have thought a lot about sibling relationship dynamics recently to try to understand what may be possibly going on and why I am treated so poorly. Sibling relationships can be some of the most complicated and confusing in life by far. I don't have all of the answers even for my own situation, but I can try to share an insight which may click for your situation.
I think siblings inherently see a little piece of themselves in us and we can become a point around which a lot of their subconscious feelings about themselves coalesce. This is just a speculation, but may possibly fit your history. When you were young and she was playing "mom", she may have really been playing mom towards herself- perceiving in you an exaggerated vulnerability and fragility that really resided inside herself. It was telling that she held on to your picture when she went to college. College for the first time can be terrifying for some people as they have to navigate adulthood alone for the first time. Carrying around your picture was a way to keep the symbolic you functioning in the way you had been for her, only now in absence.
As you are aging now and demonstrating that you are a strong, capable human being, the vulnerability/weakness feelings can't be projected onto you anymore; but anger still can be (and it clearly is; the slap in the face shows it unmistakably). The anger is really with herself- when she looks at you, she is seeing a part of herself which becomes a target to release against. I don't know why, but control and anger seem to go hand-in-hand. I think it is a way for an abuser to inflict harm or influence in small, inconspicuous doses without resorting to outright, unjustifiable hostility. Incidentally, narcissistic people prefer this tactic because it accomplishes injury while allowing them the feeling of staying in the clear of wrongdoing or appearing to have malicious intent. All of this is subconscious to them; it is just a way they have developed to cope with their feelings. (BTW, this: We only get in big fights when I'm giving her "an attitude" and not being respectful, like if I say something sarcastically or don't thank her for going to a restaurant with me. is verbatim something I could have written about my sibling. I know exactly how that goes.)
I don't know what to tell you right now to help you with your goal of improving your relationship. Being treated the way you are being treated makes it impossible for any kind of meaningful relationship to happen. You can't control that unfortunately. Though, you can speak truthfully and clearly to her about how what she does makes you feel and what kind of relationship you want with her. That will likely be met with vicious anger initially because it will push her to confront her role in this, but could in time jostle her to realize and face things that she never has. That is the hope. I really, really wish the best for you and hope you get what you want very soon. It is so hard, I know.
posted by incolorinred at 9:55 AM on July 18, 2015
I think siblings inherently see a little piece of themselves in us and we can become a point around which a lot of their subconscious feelings about themselves coalesce. This is just a speculation, but may possibly fit your history. When you were young and she was playing "mom", she may have really been playing mom towards herself- perceiving in you an exaggerated vulnerability and fragility that really resided inside herself. It was telling that she held on to your picture when she went to college. College for the first time can be terrifying for some people as they have to navigate adulthood alone for the first time. Carrying around your picture was a way to keep the symbolic you functioning in the way you had been for her, only now in absence.
As you are aging now and demonstrating that you are a strong, capable human being, the vulnerability/weakness feelings can't be projected onto you anymore; but anger still can be (and it clearly is; the slap in the face shows it unmistakably). The anger is really with herself- when she looks at you, she is seeing a part of herself which becomes a target to release against. I don't know why, but control and anger seem to go hand-in-hand. I think it is a way for an abuser to inflict harm or influence in small, inconspicuous doses without resorting to outright, unjustifiable hostility. Incidentally, narcissistic people prefer this tactic because it accomplishes injury while allowing them the feeling of staying in the clear of wrongdoing or appearing to have malicious intent. All of this is subconscious to them; it is just a way they have developed to cope with their feelings. (BTW, this: We only get in big fights when I'm giving her "an attitude" and not being respectful, like if I say something sarcastically or don't thank her for going to a restaurant with me. is verbatim something I could have written about my sibling. I know exactly how that goes.)
I don't know what to tell you right now to help you with your goal of improving your relationship. Being treated the way you are being treated makes it impossible for any kind of meaningful relationship to happen. You can't control that unfortunately. Though, you can speak truthfully and clearly to her about how what she does makes you feel and what kind of relationship you want with her. That will likely be met with vicious anger initially because it will push her to confront her role in this, but could in time jostle her to realize and face things that she never has. That is the hope. I really, really wish the best for you and hope you get what you want very soon. It is so hard, I know.
posted by incolorinred at 9:55 AM on July 18, 2015
I'm the older sister in a relationship with a big age gap. First, just to get this out of the way, I want to state that I think your sister is being an enormous jerk. Physical violence is never, never okay. And she's being deeply rude and disrespectful of you as an autonomous person with needs and desires and the ability to make your own decisions. Frankly, the way she's treating you wouldn't even be acceptable if you still were a teenager, much less now that you're an adult. Because even kids need and deserve the opportunity to express feelings that are different from those of adults, and to have those feelings validated, and to have those feelings taken into account when decisions are made that involve them.
But all that aside, this is a tough situation for an older sibling. As someone who (I hope) is not an enormous jerk, it's really weird to have a younger sibling with whom you lived when they were a kid, then didn't spend as much time together, and now are getting to know as an adult. Because with my sister, most of my memories of her were of her as a baby or a little kid, and then there's this gap, and now (it feels like all of a sudden) she's an adult, and I missed seeing all the years when she was growing up and getting to become an adult. So it's just hard, conceptually, to remember that she's an adult.
First, I think you just need to white-knuckle your way through the summer. Because I don't think this will change as long as you're living in her house. Just refuse to fight with her. If she's mad at you, you don't have to argue with her, even if you're sure she's wrong. You have only a few weeks left living with her, right? So just focus on getting through that as a short-term, emergency strategy. And vow to never, ever live with her again.
Once you move out, I think you can focus on the long-term relationship. I don't know whether you're going to be able to make her stop being a jerk. Maybe she's actually just an inveterate jerk. But you can refuse to put yourself in a situation to be abused. Once you don't live with her anymore, when she yells at you or hits you or lectures you, you can give her a warning to cut it out, and then if she doesn't stop, you can leave.
As the older sister, what has really caused me to change my attitude about my younger sister is that she's stopped asking me to do things for her. She treats me like a peer, occasionally asking for my advice about something I know about, but ultimately making her own decisions. She doesn't ask me for money or favors. For example, while I know it was probably really convenient for you to live with her for the summer, crashing rent-free is something kids do with adults, not something two peers do with each other (yes, I know there are exceptions to that, but given that your relationship is already skewed this way, her doing you this favor is making things worse). The more I see my sister doing things on her own and then telling me about it afterwards, instead of calling me beforehand to run her plans by me before she starts, the more I realize that she's an adult. And even if she doesn't do things exactly the way I would have advised her to, it makes me respect the hell out of her.
The bottom line is that she may always be bossy and a know-it-all. That may just be her personality. But you don't have to be her punching bag, literally or figuratively. And the less you treat her like she's an adult and you're a kid who needs her help, the less she'll have to hold over you, and the less she'll be able to treat you that way.
posted by decathecting at 12:18 PM on July 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
But all that aside, this is a tough situation for an older sibling. As someone who (I hope) is not an enormous jerk, it's really weird to have a younger sibling with whom you lived when they were a kid, then didn't spend as much time together, and now are getting to know as an adult. Because with my sister, most of my memories of her were of her as a baby or a little kid, and then there's this gap, and now (it feels like all of a sudden) she's an adult, and I missed seeing all the years when she was growing up and getting to become an adult. So it's just hard, conceptually, to remember that she's an adult.
First, I think you just need to white-knuckle your way through the summer. Because I don't think this will change as long as you're living in her house. Just refuse to fight with her. If she's mad at you, you don't have to argue with her, even if you're sure she's wrong. You have only a few weeks left living with her, right? So just focus on getting through that as a short-term, emergency strategy. And vow to never, ever live with her again.
Once you move out, I think you can focus on the long-term relationship. I don't know whether you're going to be able to make her stop being a jerk. Maybe she's actually just an inveterate jerk. But you can refuse to put yourself in a situation to be abused. Once you don't live with her anymore, when she yells at you or hits you or lectures you, you can give her a warning to cut it out, and then if she doesn't stop, you can leave.
As the older sister, what has really caused me to change my attitude about my younger sister is that she's stopped asking me to do things for her. She treats me like a peer, occasionally asking for my advice about something I know about, but ultimately making her own decisions. She doesn't ask me for money or favors. For example, while I know it was probably really convenient for you to live with her for the summer, crashing rent-free is something kids do with adults, not something two peers do with each other (yes, I know there are exceptions to that, but given that your relationship is already skewed this way, her doing you this favor is making things worse). The more I see my sister doing things on her own and then telling me about it afterwards, instead of calling me beforehand to run her plans by me before she starts, the more I realize that she's an adult. And even if she doesn't do things exactly the way I would have advised her to, it makes me respect the hell out of her.
The bottom line is that she may always be bossy and a know-it-all. That may just be her personality. But you don't have to be her punching bag, literally or figuratively. And the less you treat her like she's an adult and you're a kid who needs her help, the less she'll have to hold over you, and the less she'll be able to treat you that way.
posted by decathecting at 12:18 PM on July 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
This sounds a lot like a friend's family I knew when I was growing up. But the "sister" was actually the child's bio mother, and the "mother" was the grandmother. It's most likely that this is not your situation at all, but I wanted to add it in as a factor just in case. With my friend's situation, her "sister" had a harder time than most sisters would in accepting the steps to independence that adolescents necessarily take. So the growing up part was majorly painful for this family. My friend didn't find out what the deal was till a number of years later.
posted by Stewriffic at 1:49 PM on July 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Stewriffic at 1:49 PM on July 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
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I have a much old sister. She was always like a second mother. I found I couldn't change the way she felt about me but I could police my own behavior toward her. I noticed I kinda-a-little-bit was acting like her punky teenage kid sometimes. I was engaging in these childlike attitudes and behaviors I wouldn’t do with a peer or a host. Finding those things and correcting them helped guide the relationship to becoming something more adult and functional. I was probably in my mid 20’s when it started being normal.
But she never slapped me in the face so YMMV.
posted by French Fry at 12:49 PM on July 17, 2015 [7 favorites]