Is there any way to rescind this invitation?
July 14, 2015 8:13 AM   Subscribe

I have a milestone birthday coming up and an incredibly lovely friend has taken it upon herself (with my blessing) to invite people to my place for a low key celebration (yay!). Unfortunately, she also accidentally invited a friend of mine whose boyfriend I can't stand.

Said boyfriend is not a terrible person, but he is incredibly smug and condescending in a way that really needles me. He tends to dismiss my interests and opinions as being silly or ridiculous almost reflexively (even in group settings) and I often come away from encounters with him feeling like a five-year-old who has just been patted on the head. I tolerate him at group gatherings every so often so that I can see and catch up with his girlfriend, whom I like and respect.

However, this is an occasion on which I really don't want to have to tolerate this individual. I'm going through some tough times career and family wise and the idea of having to spend my birthday in his presence when I'm already feeling a bit down about the state of these areas of my life honestly makes me want to call the entire thing off and hang out with my cats and Netflix.

What should I do? What *can* I do? Is there any possible way to gracefully un-invite this individual and his girlfriend? Unfortunately, they are a 100% package deal. Complicating matters it that all of us are part of an extremely close-knit academic community that will soon feed into a fairly close-knit lifelong profession, so I would like to avoid burning bridges by being too honest about my feelings.

I don't want to be high maintenance. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have a group of great friends who remember and want to celebrate my birthday and I am so thankful for them. However, I also don't want to come away from the evening feeling shitty and demoralized. Thank you in advance for your comments and advice.
posted by wondrous strange snow to Human Relations (45 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: No, I think you have to tough this one out. It is incredibly ungracious to uninvite someone, not to mention that it dumps on the friend who did the organizing.
posted by slkinsey at 8:15 AM on July 14, 2015 [17 favorites]


Can your lovely friend do you an extra solid and run interference?
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:16 AM on July 14, 2015 [30 favorites]


You don't have to have a party at your house with this guy, but the only polite alternative is the cats-and-Netflix one.

Why not use your birthday as an excuse to stop tolerating his bad behaviour, though? "Ha! As usual, you're being a total dick -- what a ridiculous thing to say. Excuse me, I'm out of here" will likely be seen as less rude when you are a few glasses in on a milestone birthday. Instead of sympathy he will get, one would hope, "Well, you really shouldn't have condescended to Wondrous Strange Snow at her own birthday party -- tsk."
posted by kmennie at 8:22 AM on July 14, 2015 [27 favorites]


Can't you just ignore him? If you don't like someone, you can just snub them pretty casually and move in opposite directions. They usually get the hint.
posted by discopolo at 8:23 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh boy, if I were you I'd milk the birthday thing for every ounce of social flexibility it can give you.

Try to ignore him, but if he starts some shit, just straight up, directly and publicly be like "yo, it's my birthday party, could you please not be a complete ass tonight?"
posted by phunniemee at 8:24 AM on July 14, 2015 [56 favorites]


Best answer: Yeah, I agree you cannot uninvite him but this is a great opportunity to put some boundaries in place, as others have said.

You: So I was rereading Harry Potter for the seventh time...
Him: Ugh, those books are for kids.
You: Fuck you, it's my birthday. As I was saying...

(This example may have been borrowed from my own life. When it is not your birthday, feel free to substitute, "Fuck you, Harry Potter is awesome!" "Dude, don't be such a Muggle!" or "I did not ask for your opinion, thanks.")

And if you haven't already, tell your friend you cannot stand this guy so that this is not repeated!
posted by chaiminda at 8:30 AM on July 14, 2015 [58 favorites]


Could your friend tell everyone that no +1s are allowed? I admit that's probably unrealistic, but it's my first idea -- if it were workable, it could solve this.
posted by amtho at 8:31 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Don't credit these things. Use this as an occasion to practice acknowledging these feelings and then letting go of them. There is no reason that you should let yourself agree with him on his crap.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:31 AM on July 14, 2015 [9 favorites]


Absolutely have your lovely friend tell the person she invited that the boyfriend is not invited. Holy crap.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:34 AM on July 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


"I don't let people talk to me that way anymore. I need you to stop now if you'd like to stay."
posted by juniperesque at 8:34 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


OR, you could call the smug-boyfriend-haver, and tell her that he probably wouldn't enjoy it since he seems to be into more advanced material than you are.

OR, if he likes video games or nature documentaries, you could set up a video game system or a nature documentary in another room and have him stay there. With some kind of unofficial minder.
posted by amtho at 8:35 AM on July 14, 2015


Every time he says something rude, look him in the eye and say "Rude!" with as bright a smile as you can, and then continue with what you were saying as if he hadn't spoken. Don't engage the argument (it isn't one, so there's no point), don't dispute, don't defend. Just name his behavior and then move on. Happy birthday!
posted by rtha at 8:41 AM on July 14, 2015 [10 favorites]


Uninviting puts your poor friend who organised the party & the gf of annoying man in a weird position. It's your birthday so rope in some friends to run interference so you can get some one on one time with your friend without her boyfriend.

Also consider using your birthday powers in your favor. "Now I'm (milestone age) I have decided life's too short for this/your shit. I'm going to have another drink/talk to friend/do my taxes so I don't have to talk to you."
posted by wwax at 8:41 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


If you are feeling particularly put out by his behavior you could tell him that you recently asked a question on an internet forum about him.
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:43 AM on July 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


if you're all part of a close-knit group, could you enlist someone else to lure him elsewhere that evening? concert tickets or a camping trip or something, and you graciously understand and will catch up another time?
posted by animalrainbow at 8:45 AM on July 14, 2015


Is this a dinner for ~6 people or is this a party with 40+ people?
posted by k8t at 8:47 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nope. There's no graceful way to uninvite. Doing it would blow up your friendship with his girlfriend and might have repercussions in the larger social group. Fortunately you're in the perfect position to walk away from every conversation with him at this party by citing a pressing need to mingle with your other guests. This won't be the first or the last bloviator you'll encounter in a career in academia. Get someone to run interference for you, ignore him, and enjoy your party.
posted by MsMolly at 8:52 AM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Hmm. This is a tough one. I don't imagine that saying "fuck you" or even "don't speak to me like that or I will have to ask you to leave" are actually practical workable solutions. I think that could cause a lot of anxiety up front leading up to the party and that in the moment it could either cause a lot of drama or would just not be something you could actually say in practice.

So I wonder if it would be better to actually talk to your friend with the boyfriend now, before the party:

"Friend, I really like you and value our friendship. Your boyfriend makes me uncomfortable. He talks down to me and makes me feel small, like a five year old. I am worried about having him at my birthday party because I don't want to be talked down to anymore by him, but I don't want to cause a scene at the party by asking him to stop treating me this way in felt of everyone. Can you please talk to him about this?"

Alternatively, set up plans before the party to see them both and set the boundary there, rather than doing it at your party.

Another option is to just ignore him and have fun. You don't have to listen to his condescending bullshit. He's a jerk and jerks have nothing worthwhile to say, so you can completely disregard his bloviations, whether they occur at your birthday party or in any other social setting. You can walk away.
posted by sockermom at 8:54 AM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


Uninviting doesn't seem like an option here without causing drama that is likely to be more long-lastingly difficult for you than having him at the party would be. I think having a couple of trusted friends run interference is the way to go here. It would not be high-maintenance at all of you to ask for such a favor from a couple of people who love you and want you to have a nice birthday.
posted by Stacey at 9:02 AM on July 14, 2015


It is your birthday and your house. No way that his feelings come before yours. No way that you have to put up wih his abuse for the sake of social niceties. Fuck that.

My thinking was, cancel the party and celebrate alone. Then I saw you were tempted to do that already. I think that's a great choice. You could spend some nice time reflecting. That is totally what I would do in this situation.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:02 AM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


If you are willing to risk ending the friendship, you can tell friend exactly how you feel about her boyfriend. Otherwise, you could maybe have a separate thing -- "Oh, this was only supposed to be a small gathering because I was going to invite people to this other thing." I think depending on the size of your party, you could potentially uninvite them with some sort of counter invite. You could also cancel the party at your house, and then have a new party outside your home, making sure to invite only who you want there. Hey, having a party at your house can be stressful and messy. (Seriously, tell your well-meaning friend that it's not her party to invite people too. And tell her you dislike Boyfriend while you're at it so she gets it.)
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:03 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


If this guy has any redeeming qualities, assuming he weren't awful, how about ding training?
posted by supercres at 9:06 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


You say a small gathering, I am not sure what that means to you, but I would suggest if it is under six-eight people, just go ahead and invite more. I frequently sidestep people I am not keen on for entire evenings in larger gatherings, it is so easy to do that. You just drift away into a new conversational grouping. And since it is at your house, all you really need to do is a quick hello and then 'thanks for coming' at the end of the evening. There is NO NEED to be stuck talking to someone you don't want to and learning how to gracefully drift away from unrewarding conversations is a super great skill to cultivate.
posted by nanook at 9:18 AM on July 14, 2015


I'm honestly flummoxed by anyone who thinks you can't tell someone who you didn't invite to your house that he can't come to your house.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:34 AM on July 14, 2015 [8 favorites]


The only way I can see how to do this is to cancel the party, have another party not linked to your birthday (a different justification) on a different date and do not invite him or his girlfriend. It may still not completely disguise what is being done but does offer semi-plausible cover.

I'd do it in your place but I feel very strongly about not allowing people I dislike in my house. There is a real risk of drama, especially if your friend who started the trouble by inviting people to your house without checking the list with you figured out what's up.
posted by winna at 9:37 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


roomthreeseventeen: "I'm honestly flummoxed by anyone who thinks you can't tell someone who you didn't invite to your house that he can't come to your house."

You certainly can, but you can't do it gracefully, which is the question.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:00 AM on July 14, 2015 [14 favorites]


Best answer: Something that has made my life much easier has been gaining skills in letting this stuff go.

You don't have to talk to this guy at all, except for a "thank you so much for coming!". His annoyingness is really sad - for him - and kind of not your problem in the big picture. If he wants to patronize you, you can pretty easily be like, "I'm going to go bring out the cupcakes now!" and walk away. My life is so much better since I got better at doing that.
posted by latkes at 10:00 AM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


Disinviting would be far more awkward and fraught for everyone involved than straight up addressing it. If he's really not a fundamentally terrible or dangerous person, maybe this would be an opportunity to clear the air and make your own life a little more comfortable.

I'd think the first thing to do is offer him an explanation. You've been putting up with it for a while, so he might be genuinely confused what you're objecting to. And it lets you get it off your chest, too. I have a few lingering resentments I tend to nurse of times when I gracefully ejected myself from a situation rather than addressing it. So if you're like me, it might be a favor to yourself to say something.

And it could also be a favor to him if you care. I have a friend who was sort of like this because she was raised that way. Her whole family is extremely competitive and hypercritical, so she grew up snarking and gossiping and one-upping people to the point that that was just the way she talked.

Depending on how not-terrible he is, you could do like I did and gently explain that it's really unpleasant talking to him because of that hostility. Or you could be meaner right out of the gate, and tell him he's an asshole and you're tired of it. Just so long as he knows what it is you're objecting to. My friend honestly didn't realize she was like that, and she's gotten to the point that it's not her default anymore, which is great.

AFTER the explanation, you can be concise and tell him to stop it, shut up, or just say "Wow" and disengage when he does it. (I would not do the "ding" thing, because it is really not cool to talk to people like they're dogs unless you either have an existing relationship with them where you know it's OK, or if you're trying to escalate hostility with them.)
posted by ernielundquist at 10:10 AM on July 14, 2015


Is there a way that you can make the party unappealing to him in particular? Maybe a hobby you and many of your friends share that doesn't interest him? If you propose a Magic tournament as the central activity of the party, and he doesn't play, maybe he'll decide to sit it out altogether. And even if he does come you'll have an easier time ignoring him when you're playing and he's not.

If you do have to deal with him, you can try my method of dealing with condescending blowhards, which is to say "Oh, how interesting! Thank you for mentioning it!" as sincerely as possible. This usually makes them pause, and I barge ahead with what I was trying to say before they inserted themselves.
posted by milk white peacock at 10:29 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I agree that there's no graceful way to dis-invite him. If I were you, I'd cancel the party. Maybe just have dinner with one or two friends instead. That way you have a built in excuse-- you decided you didn't want a bigger party after all, sorry about that, etc. etc.

Regarding the toxic boyfriend: I'm wondering whether he does this with everybody, or just with you. Because if he does it with everyone, he may believe that he's engaging in witty banter. In that case it might make sense to talk to him, or his girlfriend, or both, and say how this type of remark makes you feel and that you would like him to cut it out. (as ernielundquist suggests)

If he only does it with you, then I would assume he knows perfectly well he's being obnoxious but he doesn't really care about hurting your feelings. In that case I wouldn't try to have a nice calm talk with him. I'd just ignore him as much as you can. Like this:
wondrous: So, I have been reading quite a bit about the Finnish economy, and it seems to me that...
boyfriend: Well, wondrous, everyone knows you don't really understand the economic policy of upper northwest Finland.
wondrous: (looks at boyfriend for a beat)
wondrous: As I was saying,... (continues with earlier remark as though boyfriend had never spoken)
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:30 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Reading the start of the thread, I don't see how being openly hostile and confrontational is better than uninviting him. Put him in the "asshole person" bucket and avoid/ignore accordingly. Or if really you want to address it, say off-handidly, "Oh wow, that's condescending," and then move on. If it means your friend gets ignored, then that's too bad. Catch up next time the two of you can hang out.
posted by cnc at 10:30 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Give yourself special permission to ignore this guy or even, if you can manage it, laugh at him (NOT with him) when he tries to start something.

Consider it a birthday present to yourself.
posted by Nerd of the North at 10:31 AM on July 14, 2015


Along the lines of "It's my birthday, fuck you" (which I love, but can see how doing it may not be fun for everyone), you could also try "Here, have a shot (beer/cupcake) and brace yourself, it's my birthday and we're talking about Hary Potter!"

If he's not a bad guy, that should at least cue him that tonight is your night so you're calling the shots. Pointedly ignore any other jerk comments (for the rest of time, not just the party).

It could be worth having a talk with the girlfriend (or an intermediary who is tactful) about how he just doesn't seem to like being around you ("I seem to bore him"), so it wouldn't bother you if he skipped out on the party. That might at least provoke a backdoor "Dude, chill, she doesn't find that funny" or even an Aha moment on his end: Wondrous does not enjoy my kind of banter, I will now stop (one can hope). But that may be risky depending on the parties involved and not worth orchestrating now.
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:54 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


"And here I was, hoping that as a guest on someone's home, you'd be on your best behaviour."

But before that, I'd say to your inviting friend "So psyched Linda is coming. So sad Craig is such a douchebag. Can you make it someone's job to keep him safely corralled? Not having to deal with him would be the BEST PRESENT EVER."
posted by DarlingBri at 10:57 AM on July 14, 2015 [12 favorites]


I'm honestly flummoxed by anyone who thinks you can't tell someone who you didn't invite to your house that he can't come to your house.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:34 AM on July 14 [1 favorite +] [!]


Yeah, I agree with Rock Steady, it's the "gracefully" part that's the sticking point. I think you cancel the whole thing or accept he will be there (you could get lucky and he has plans already) and do your best to avoid him.

I agree with others who say you shouldn't feel like you can't stand up for yourself and call him out if he gets rude, though. I probably wouldn't say "Fuck YOU!" but I like the advice to say smilingly say "Rude!" or some other cheerful but firm call out. Nothing that causes a scene or makes things awkward for anyone else in hearing shot, but just enough to get him feeling sheepish if possible. That would get your point across without being completely over the top about it and embarrassing everyone.
posted by JenMarie at 10:59 AM on July 14, 2015


Does this guy act this way toward other people? Maybe nobody's stood up to him yet, and others may hold the same opinion of him as you do.

Since you're all in the same tight-knit circle for some time to come, I'd agree with the answers that say you should stand up to him. Life is short, why should you dance around his crappiness? But reply back in a diplomatic/professional way so others can't poo-poo the way you handle things.

"I like this widget, etc."
"How can you like that widget, that's silly/ridiculous."
"Mr. FriendBF, you sure seem to spend a lot of time deeming my interests & opinions as a silly/ridiculous, and announcing as such. I would like to invite you to think about why you have this particular proclivity. Maybe not so much why you deem it so, as we can all agree, I am not you, and nobody is the thought police here, so we can think whatever we like, but in polite company, it grows tiresome, at least to me, that you must always announce such, and heavens, my interests and opinions do not waver from what they are, no matter how frequent you vocalize your displeasure. So as it is my birthday, and you are in my house, so I would like your birthday gift to me to discontinue this proclivity now and henceforth. Now, come try some of this cake."

Cake = diplomacy.
posted by Seboshin at 11:04 AM on July 14, 2015


Yep. I have to go with the folks who say uninviting would be a source of potential problems worse than just suffering through the evening with him. If you really can't stomach the idea of having him there I'd go with cancelling the party. I think that's what I would do myself, mostly because I'm an introvert and prefer to interact with people individually anyway. Net Flicks and cats sounds like heaven, especially if you add in cake. Maybe you could even have the friend who planned the party over to watch movies. You could explain that you are feeling pretty worn out lately and you just aren't up to a party right now, but would love to celebrate your birthday in a slightly lower key way.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:34 AM on July 14, 2015


Can you ask a close friend or two to run interference for you at the party? If they see Annoying Boyfriend starting towards you, they can swoop in and engage him in a conversation before he can get to you; if he traps you in a corner, they can extract you ("Oh, sorry to interrupt -- do you mind if I borrow wondrous strange snow for a minute?").
posted by ourobouros at 12:22 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think it would be awful to cancel the party just to avoid this douche! This is your party!

Tell your friends the truth, that you can't stand the guy, and ask them as a birthday present to you, to run interference. And give yourself the birthday present of permission to say whatever you want to him. People like this aren't used to be told to STFU, so it will probably jolt him into silence.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:35 PM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Could your friend the inviter speak to him?

Ask them to contact Captain Dickwad before the party and say "If you are your usual dickish self at someone's birthday party I will personally evict you" Perhaps he doesn't know he upsets you, or perhaps he just needs a reminder to curtail it.

Failing that I vote for the "it's my party and I'll [make him] cry if I want to" approach.
posted by fullerine at 1:02 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Ugh, sorry. I wish you could tell him not to come but I think that ship sailed.

A lot of these suggestions sound cathartic but might turn a fun party into waiting for your "in" to scold him and make this Boyfriend Confrontation Night, Not Wondrous' Awesome Bday Party Night.

The more you focus on him, the more of a Boyfriend-centric time you'll have, and it's not like you're going to utterly reform his personality to your liking with one well-timed quip, you know? Of course you can call him out for being rude at any time, but making that your job for the night doesn't sound like fun. I agree with the suggestions to have trusted friends keep him out of your hair so you don't have to deal with him at all.
posted by kapers at 1:05 PM on July 14, 2015 [7 favorites]


Cancel the whole party and then reschedule for another date without re inviting the offending person, even if the new date is the following day. Otherwise you just have to suck it up. I feel for you, I have one of those people in my life too and it would be worth it for me to go through through the hassle of rescheduling just to not have him here to ruin my day.
posted by Jubey at 4:18 PM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I agree with those who say this is an excellent chance to try and rewrite the rules of your relationship with this guy, with the extra license you have from it being your birthday, and the confidence that comes from being feted by your friends.

You've already gotten some good suggestions for how to do this, but here are my two favorite ways of dealing with people who have a pattern of obnoxious behavior in social situations. I like both of these methods because they don't require a lot of emotional energy or time spent:

- Operant conditioning. Reward good behavior and ignore bad. He says something nice like "happy birthday" - thank him effusively for coming. He puts down something you say - no reaction from you, and if possible, turn to someone else and start talking to them. This really works.

- Make statements that sound like comebacks but are actually just statements of fact. This works if you have the right sense of humor. For instance:

You: I thought the season finale of Mad Men was so well-done.
Him: Oh, admit it, you just liked [romantic plot point], didn't you? That was so trite, but I guess a lot of people like that sort of thing.
You: ... Well, THAT'S certainly an opinion!
posted by lunasol at 6:28 PM on July 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best answer: "so I would like to avoid burning bridges by being too honest about my feelings."

I want to respectfully challenge your thinking about this. Are you a 20-something woman? Socialized to put other people's feelings first, especially the feelings of the menfolk, such as this unruly, condescending man? Why not practice using your words here and have a crucial conversation about this? Sockermom's answer here suggesting you talk this out in advance is right on the money. I'll add that it seems you are in this predicament precisely because you haven't been nearly honest enough about your feelings. Honesty with kindness can often avoid torpedoing relationships, because bridge-burning happens just as often when we DON'T share the things with the people closest to us that are bottled up inside and eating away at us. The truth almost always comes out -- academic people are not dumb and most can read your nonverbal cues. What I hope does not go down here is this: At her birthday party, an afraid-of-too-much-honesty person like yourself gets caught up in the tension of the moment says something super rude to the guy who has been legitimately bothering her for ages and now suddenly she looks like the asshole to the group (because: sexism) and because she hasn't told the group any of the backstory. Please tell your closest friends what you are really authentically experiencing here.

"an incredibly lovely friend has taken it upon herself (with my blessing) to invite people to my place for a low key celebration."

What's up with this "lovely friend" of yours not knowing how you really feel about friend's boyfriend? Does she not know you very well or something? Are you playing it way too safe socially, and not bringing your most authentic self to these friendships for political reasons vis-a-vis your small circle? Look, I get small group politics. I get why you are scared to speak up, and notions of etiquette, but I think this scenario presents a real growth opportunity for you if you are brave enough to take it. Ask for what you want. You want him not to come. (Seriously, I can't believe the option of canceling your own birthday party is even remotely on the table here.) You or a trusted friend should tell him a mistake was made on the invite list and nope, he can't come and tell him "I'm sorry, it won't be possible to host John for my birthday party." Period, end of story. It's your house, and your birthday party-- don't be the doormat.
posted by hush at 11:23 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I agree with those above who advise you to take advantage of the opportunity to reform the interaction with the douchebag. You shouldn't even consider canceling the party. Lunasol's "operant conditioning" advice is very helpful; I've used it many times before. Also, does he act the same way with all the people in your group? If so, many of your friends probably feel the same way. Perhaps you and they can work together on this. If he's being condescending to someone else, stick up for that person, and if he's doing it to you, your friends should do the same. Similarly, you and your friends can also turn the tables on him and effectively "pile on" him. I'm not saying be a douchebag to him -- I'm not that type and I'm pretty sure you're not either -- but putting him on the defensive for significant periods of interaction from time to time can be illuminating for him and satisfying for you.
posted by odin53 at 7:25 PM on July 15, 2015


« Older Memoirs and philosophical works on death, loss   |   Yet another search for the perfect bag Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.