Why is he still staying in our bedroom when he split up with me?
July 12, 2015 3:33 PM Subscribe
My partner split up with me 2 weeks ago after a difficult year which included a baby loss, illness and exams (me). We are both in our early 40's, have been together 3 years and living together for 2. Obviously there were good and bad times throughout the year. He has said before when we had disagreements that he wasn't happy but during the times in between he was very caring and told me he loved me.
Cut to two weeks ago, we had a small disagreement and he blew up, said he only stayed to support me, that he didn't love me and the relationship was over. It got more unpleasant that that but I never got annoyed, actually I spent the first few days pleading with him not to do this- I know bad plan.
To date, he is still cold as ice towards me. We live in a rental, with more than one bedroom. Even though he wants the split, he is reluctant to move out and even worse he has made no move to leave our bedroom and is still sleeping in our bed (with his back to me).
I have been reluctant to tell him to sleep in another room as I'm still hoping there's a slim chance. (I should say that a friend definitely think he wants out).
I'm really starting to find him sleeping in the room puzzling and in general I'm feeling the strain and sleeping abysmally. Can anyone shed some light on why he is not moving on? What is the psychology behind this? Giving that I'm hoping there's a super slim chance of reconciliation how should I proceed.
Cut to two weeks ago, we had a small disagreement and he blew up, said he only stayed to support me, that he didn't love me and the relationship was over. It got more unpleasant that that but I never got annoyed, actually I spent the first few days pleading with him not to do this- I know bad plan.
To date, he is still cold as ice towards me. We live in a rental, with more than one bedroom. Even though he wants the split, he is reluctant to move out and even worse he has made no move to leave our bedroom and is still sleeping in our bed (with his back to me).
I have been reluctant to tell him to sleep in another room as I'm still hoping there's a slim chance. (I should say that a friend definitely think he wants out).
I'm really starting to find him sleeping in the room puzzling and in general I'm feeling the strain and sleeping abysmally. Can anyone shed some light on why he is not moving on? What is the psychology behind this? Giving that I'm hoping there's a super slim chance of reconciliation how should I proceed.
He ended it two weeks ago, maybe he's still dealing with that and doesn't have any free headspace to think about moving. Or maybe he's waiting for you to move out.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:45 PM on July 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:45 PM on July 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of you needs to move out, but more urgently, one of you definitely needs to sleep in another room. If you want to know why he's doing this, ask him, although I suspect he will not give you a satisfying answer (even if he knows).
Even if you want to reconcile, there's no benefit to sleeping in the same bed while you are broken up and while he is treating you coldly.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:46 PM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Even if you want to reconcile, there's no benefit to sleeping in the same bed while you are broken up and while he is treating you coldly.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:46 PM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
He's thinking of his own comfort and probably hasn't considered at all what's best for you. It doesn't sound like there's a slim hope. It sounds like he's not respecting you or your space. The breakuper should always be sensitive to the needs of the breakupee unless there's been abuse or infidelity. He should have moved out of your bedroom on day 1. He's being a jerk.
posted by quince at 3:47 PM on July 12, 2015 [35 favorites]
posted by quince at 3:47 PM on July 12, 2015 [35 favorites]
Right now he's in control of the situation because he's the one calling the breakup. Take it back. Pack his possessions up, leave them at the front door. Tell him if it's over, he has a week to find somewhere and get his things and leave. If it's not over, you expect him to move into the spare bedroom/couch/wherever and sign up to do counselling with you but either way you're not putting up with the cold shoulder limbo he's giving you. You've had enough and he'd better shit or get off the pot because either way you're moving on from this. (Personally, I think he's an asshole and you're better off without him but if you want to regain some control of this and put him on the back foot like you might leave him and he has to fight for you instead, this is what I would do.)
posted by Jubey at 3:59 PM on July 12, 2015 [74 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:59 PM on July 12, 2015 [74 favorites]
It is most likely an incredibly disrespectful, selfish power game. One possibility is he wants you to crawl. He doesn't really want to leave, he just wants you to grovel and capitulate all power. Another possibility is that he wants out but wants to not be inconvenienced. He wants all the change to be on your head while he sleeps in the same room and stays in the same home and carries on with his life like you do not exist.
If it were me, I would promptly start moving my stuff out of the bedroom and making plans to move out. You cannot control him. If you want to resume sleeping okay, you need to make things happen for yourself.
I would not try keep him. When people pull this kind of manipulative power game on me, I walk.
posted by Michele in California at 4:03 PM on July 12, 2015 [16 favorites]
If it were me, I would promptly start moving my stuff out of the bedroom and making plans to move out. You cannot control him. If you want to resume sleeping okay, you need to make things happen for yourself.
I would not try keep him. When people pull this kind of manipulative power game on me, I walk.
posted by Michele in California at 4:03 PM on July 12, 2015 [16 favorites]
He's sleeping in the same bed to humiliate you.
He's not getting back together with you, he's actively abusing you, playing with you, hurting you.
See it this way: A mature person has a discussion and breaks up with you in a kind and non-blaming way. This person will already have an exit plan that includes giving you space to process their decision AND the will have another place to stay AND they will make sure their share of the rent is covered while you adjust and make arrangements.
An immature selfish mean spirited *fill in the blank* breaks up with you during a petty temper tantrum and then stays in the apartment, giving you the cold shoulder for weeks.
I can pretty much guarantee you this guy is enjoying your pain on some level. Creep. So, why are you sticking around to have your nose rubbed in his rejection?
Put on your oxygen mask. Get out of that bedroom, the lease. RUN.
Count your blessings you are free of this awful mean-spirited person. You deserve better.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on July 12, 2015 [33 favorites]
He's not getting back together with you, he's actively abusing you, playing with you, hurting you.
See it this way: A mature person has a discussion and breaks up with you in a kind and non-blaming way. This person will already have an exit plan that includes giving you space to process their decision AND the will have another place to stay AND they will make sure their share of the rent is covered while you adjust and make arrangements.
An immature selfish mean spirited *fill in the blank* breaks up with you during a petty temper tantrum and then stays in the apartment, giving you the cold shoulder for weeks.
I can pretty much guarantee you this guy is enjoying your pain on some level. Creep. So, why are you sticking around to have your nose rubbed in his rejection?
Put on your oxygen mask. Get out of that bedroom, the lease. RUN.
Count your blessings you are free of this awful mean-spirited person. You deserve better.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on July 12, 2015 [33 favorites]
First off: I am so sorry you are dealing with this and your crappy year.
Why is he still staying in our bedroom when he split up with me?
To put it bluntly: because he can. A charitable look at it would be that if you haven't required it, it's the simplest way to continue to share space. A less charitable look at it would be that he is awful, is ignoring the basic "The person who breaks up should be the one who leaves, all other things being equal" rule of thumb and is participating in emotional terrorism to make this easier on himself (and not you) because he's 100% checked out of this and doesn't care what you think.
So: think about what you want out of this and think about ways to tell him. It's probably a good idea if you think about what would work for you and what would not. Obviously sharing a bed does not work (and I think this is a reasonable thing to feel) and it's fine for you to tell him he has to leave. You can make a timeline for that if it makes sense, but you can tell him to leave the bed effective immediately. "I do not want you sleeping here since you do not want to be with me" would be a good start.
And really, honestly, if reconciliation was on the table, that would be true whether you told him to sleep elsewhere or not. If your relationship is so fragile that telling the person who broke up with you to sleep elsewhere because its making you feel bad was the straw that broke the camel's back, that is not a relationship worth saving.
Again, I am sorry this is happening to you. Figure out what you want your next few weeks to look like and then concentrate on your next few months. You can do better.
posted by jessamyn at 4:23 PM on July 12, 2015 [24 favorites]
Why is he still staying in our bedroom when he split up with me?
To put it bluntly: because he can. A charitable look at it would be that if you haven't required it, it's the simplest way to continue to share space. A less charitable look at it would be that he is awful, is ignoring the basic "The person who breaks up should be the one who leaves, all other things being equal" rule of thumb and is participating in emotional terrorism to make this easier on himself (and not you) because he's 100% checked out of this and doesn't care what you think.
So: think about what you want out of this and think about ways to tell him. It's probably a good idea if you think about what would work for you and what would not. Obviously sharing a bed does not work (and I think this is a reasonable thing to feel) and it's fine for you to tell him he has to leave. You can make a timeline for that if it makes sense, but you can tell him to leave the bed effective immediately. "I do not want you sleeping here since you do not want to be with me" would be a good start.
And really, honestly, if reconciliation was on the table, that would be true whether you told him to sleep elsewhere or not. If your relationship is so fragile that telling the person who broke up with you to sleep elsewhere because its making you feel bad was the straw that broke the camel's back, that is not a relationship worth saving.
Again, I am sorry this is happening to you. Figure out what you want your next few weeks to look like and then concentrate on your next few months. You can do better.
posted by jessamyn at 4:23 PM on July 12, 2015 [24 favorites]
Have some self-respect. Make plans to move out. Start sleeping in the other bedroom. Return coldness in the same proportion to him.
If he comes crawling back later, fine, decide how to deal with it then. But for now, act as though you're through.
9/10 times when people ask "what do I do to get him/her back?" their instinct is to try to get closer, grovel, cry, and talk it out. 9/10 times what actually has a shot in hell of making someone want you back is gaining self-respect and withdrawing physically and emotionally. People want what they can't have and people respect independence.
(Obviously you should just give up on this asshole, but I like to at least attempt to answer the question asked and I realize that nowhere near 100% of people actually DTMFA on MeFi's command, as I am a realist concerning human nature.)
But yeah, if you can't or won't move on to move on, move on knowing it's actually the most attractive thing you can do right now.
posted by quincunx at 4:29 PM on July 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
If he comes crawling back later, fine, decide how to deal with it then. But for now, act as though you're through.
9/10 times when people ask "what do I do to get him/her back?" their instinct is to try to get closer, grovel, cry, and talk it out. 9/10 times what actually has a shot in hell of making someone want you back is gaining self-respect and withdrawing physically and emotionally. People want what they can't have and people respect independence.
(Obviously you should just give up on this asshole, but I like to at least attempt to answer the question asked and I realize that nowhere near 100% of people actually DTMFA on MeFi's command, as I am a realist concerning human nature.)
But yeah, if you can't or won't move on to move on, move on knowing it's actually the most attractive thing you can do right now.
posted by quincunx at 4:29 PM on July 12, 2015 [11 favorites]
Actually the more I think about this, the angrier I feel for you. My first answer stands but depending on how pissed off I was, I would be tempted to tell your ex boyfriend that you have a date this weekend so you'll need him either in the next room or moved out by then because you might be needing the bed. He wants to be an asshole? Two can play at that game.
posted by Jubey at 4:35 PM on July 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 4:35 PM on July 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
What is the deal with your lease and rent? Can you figure out if you can get your name off the lease? Can one of you afford the place on your own?
Say to him: Frank, I heard you loud and clear two weeks ago. Now I need to know your time frame for moving out, your plan for getting off the lease, and importantly, you need to start sleeping in the guest bedroom.
Take charge of this. Now.
posted by k8t at 4:40 PM on July 12, 2015 [15 favorites]
Say to him: Frank, I heard you loud and clear two weeks ago. Now I need to know your time frame for moving out, your plan for getting off the lease, and importantly, you need to start sleeping in the guest bedroom.
Take charge of this. Now.
posted by k8t at 4:40 PM on July 12, 2015 [15 favorites]
Whatever is going on in his head, he is certainly not being kind or considerate to you. He is being mean. I think you need to let that sink in: he is dumping you and he is not doing it kindly or well. Even if he is 100% done with this relationship, he should treat you much better than this. (ESPECIALLY considering all the crap you've been through in the last year!) If he is so angry that he can't even be civil, he should be sleeping on the couch and doing everything he can to move out. He doesn't have the right to be cold to you while he sleeps in the same bed with his back to you and whatever other confusing, passive aggressive, mixed message-y crap he's up to. He is badly mistreating you, and you need to take that in. Even if he changed his mind tomorrow and decided he wanted to get back together, right now he is not acting like a person who deserves you.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:09 PM on July 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:09 PM on July 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
whatever reason he thinks he's doing this for - one of the reasons is because he's going to get lonely & likely intoxicated, and then he's going to reach for you, and you're going to take it as a signal that things are ok, and (if he's anything like one of my exes), at the end moments after he gets off he's going to wipe himself up and throw the cum rag on you while saying really awful things.
don't let yourself be in that position. kick him out of your room. he broke up with you, he can sleep in the less comfortable spot while you two figure out who is moving out.
posted by nadawi at 5:12 PM on July 12, 2015 [10 favorites]
don't let yourself be in that position. kick him out of your room. he broke up with you, he can sleep in the less comfortable spot while you two figure out who is moving out.
posted by nadawi at 5:12 PM on July 12, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm sorry, what a stressful and awful year.
My guess would be that he likes the place you're sharing and hopes you'll move out. Perhaps he even feels that it is rightfully "his" place. Who found the place? Who is on the lease? If you found it together, breakup etiquette says that it's yours if you want it. But if say, it was his place for five years before you moved in, it would make sense that he'd be waiting for you to get over your shock and start planning to move out. Or, perhaps he's house hunting and just hasn't found a place yet, and doesn't have the decency to sleep on the couch. Maybe he doesn't realize how much it's tearing you up.
If the breakup moves forward, do you want to stay in your place? If you do, and if you feel that it's rightfully your place, then I'd tell him you want him to move out by X date (2 weeks?) and to please sleep in the spare room until then. If you're going to be the one moving out, then I'd tell him you intend to move out by X date (or just ASAP) but that you'd like him to sleep on the couch or in the spare room until then.
I don't think he's staying because he's ambivalent. If he was ambivalent, there'd probably be some "accidental" snuggling. But if you want to, you could try having one last talk about "I'm confused why you're still sleeping here. Is it because you hold out hope that we could work this out? If so, I'm willing to figure out a plan to [get counseling / work through our problems / etc.]." But if nothing else has given you any indication that he has mixed feelings, then I'd skip this probably-painful conversation. But either way, don't put up with silent hints and mixed messages. If he stays after saying what he said just because he slid back into the comfort of staying, that's a really bad kind of relationship. He'll feel he already told you not to expect love, respect, etc. It's a breeding ground for disrespectful treatment. If he changes his mind and decides he wants to be with you, he needs to use his words.
Sorry that this is happening. You're in one of the worst parts of any breakup right now. Stay strong.
posted by salvia at 5:23 PM on July 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
My guess would be that he likes the place you're sharing and hopes you'll move out. Perhaps he even feels that it is rightfully "his" place. Who found the place? Who is on the lease? If you found it together, breakup etiquette says that it's yours if you want it. But if say, it was his place for five years before you moved in, it would make sense that he'd be waiting for you to get over your shock and start planning to move out. Or, perhaps he's house hunting and just hasn't found a place yet, and doesn't have the decency to sleep on the couch. Maybe he doesn't realize how much it's tearing you up.
If the breakup moves forward, do you want to stay in your place? If you do, and if you feel that it's rightfully your place, then I'd tell him you want him to move out by X date (2 weeks?) and to please sleep in the spare room until then. If you're going to be the one moving out, then I'd tell him you intend to move out by X date (or just ASAP) but that you'd like him to sleep on the couch or in the spare room until then.
I don't think he's staying because he's ambivalent. If he was ambivalent, there'd probably be some "accidental" snuggling. But if you want to, you could try having one last talk about "I'm confused why you're still sleeping here. Is it because you hold out hope that we could work this out? If so, I'm willing to figure out a plan to [get counseling / work through our problems / etc.]." But if nothing else has given you any indication that he has mixed feelings, then I'd skip this probably-painful conversation. But either way, don't put up with silent hints and mixed messages. If he stays after saying what he said just because he slid back into the comfort of staying, that's a really bad kind of relationship. He'll feel he already told you not to expect love, respect, etc. It's a breeding ground for disrespectful treatment. If he changes his mind and decides he wants to be with you, he needs to use his words.
Sorry that this is happening. You're in one of the worst parts of any breakup right now. Stay strong.
posted by salvia at 5:23 PM on July 12, 2015 [6 favorites]
My One Weird Ex used to do similar things, blow up at me for no reason, want to break up and one minor fight would be grounds for a him telling me off.
What I finally realized was that he did this at the same time that he'd found a new girlfriend, and he wanted to put the blame on me for the break-up so that he wouldn't be found out.
One day, we were fine, going out for beer and playing pool, coming home, lovey-dovey. The next morning, I woke up to a long note detailing all of my wrongs and how he would have to leave me. It finally came out that he had had another girlfriend on the side for 2-3 months, and then she finally allowed him to move in with her (an offer which was rescinded within a few weeks, I may add, she was a lot more street smart than I was).
As to what is going on in your guy's head, I cannot say, but what I can say is that it very probably has nothing to do with you as a person. You are probably very nice and normal, and yes, stress does take its toll on relationships, and then you move on and get closer again because of it, or forget it and move on, etc.
I guess what I'm saying is that Out of the Blue Behavior is not something you did, it is something within him, whether external or internal, and probably not something you will have fun with moving forward if he decides to relent from his coldness and stonewalling.
Move yourself into the other room or couch, if possible, while you decide your options.
1. Try to get back together with him. This will involve much groveling and then putting up with worse behavior in the future (ask me how I know);
2. Move into a 2nd room or on the couch and barely talk to him, except for who will leave first and regarding your lease (if joint);
3. Look into another place, roommate or on your own, temporarily with family and then on your own, whatever is feasible for you.
What I didn't realize is that my One Weird Ex had a running dialog in his head about how I would become his One Perfect Woman, and when I didn't do that (even tho' there was no list of things, and even if there had been, I could never had met the standard, as it went way beyond Stepford Wife standards), he decided he could just go get girlfriends on the side and never tell me and then put me down and abuse me once he had another woman in his sights. And so on. All those women, all those lies. I guess I was his, "just in case" woman, someone he could come home and abuse just in case those others didn't meet his standards.
So this is my answer: you may never know what is in your BF's head. If he won't communicate with you like an adult, but is nasty and abusive with his coldness and refusal to end things, you must end it and get out. I don't even recommend therapy. I just recommend getting out and interacting with normal people for a while, because that is usually the cure for these things, and indeed, I am whole and hearty and living a real life without the weird guy and I don't even care anymore. It's freaking fantastic on the other side.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:38 PM on July 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
What I finally realized was that he did this at the same time that he'd found a new girlfriend, and he wanted to put the blame on me for the break-up so that he wouldn't be found out.
One day, we were fine, going out for beer and playing pool, coming home, lovey-dovey. The next morning, I woke up to a long note detailing all of my wrongs and how he would have to leave me. It finally came out that he had had another girlfriend on the side for 2-3 months, and then she finally allowed him to move in with her (an offer which was rescinded within a few weeks, I may add, she was a lot more street smart than I was).
As to what is going on in your guy's head, I cannot say, but what I can say is that it very probably has nothing to do with you as a person. You are probably very nice and normal, and yes, stress does take its toll on relationships, and then you move on and get closer again because of it, or forget it and move on, etc.
I guess what I'm saying is that Out of the Blue Behavior is not something you did, it is something within him, whether external or internal, and probably not something you will have fun with moving forward if he decides to relent from his coldness and stonewalling.
Move yourself into the other room or couch, if possible, while you decide your options.
1. Try to get back together with him. This will involve much groveling and then putting up with worse behavior in the future (ask me how I know);
2. Move into a 2nd room or on the couch and barely talk to him, except for who will leave first and regarding your lease (if joint);
3. Look into another place, roommate or on your own, temporarily with family and then on your own, whatever is feasible for you.
What I didn't realize is that my One Weird Ex had a running dialog in his head about how I would become his One Perfect Woman, and when I didn't do that (even tho' there was no list of things, and even if there had been, I could never had met the standard, as it went way beyond Stepford Wife standards), he decided he could just go get girlfriends on the side and never tell me and then put me down and abuse me once he had another woman in his sights. And so on. All those women, all those lies. I guess I was his, "just in case" woman, someone he could come home and abuse just in case those others didn't meet his standards.
So this is my answer: you may never know what is in your BF's head. If he won't communicate with you like an adult, but is nasty and abusive with his coldness and refusal to end things, you must end it and get out. I don't even recommend therapy. I just recommend getting out and interacting with normal people for a while, because that is usually the cure for these things, and indeed, I am whole and hearty and living a real life without the weird guy and I don't even care anymore. It's freaking fantastic on the other side.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:38 PM on July 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
What is the situation with the lease? Who is on it. If he's on it, you move into the spare room & make plans to leave. If you're on it he comes home & finds all his stuff in the spare room and given a week to find a new place.
Right now he wants you to leave or he wants you to try & crawl back. He's fucking with your head & being an asshole either way. Take back control.
posted by wwax at 7:09 PM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Right now he wants you to leave or he wants you to try & crawl back. He's fucking with your head & being an asshole either way. Take back control.
posted by wwax at 7:09 PM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
My ex-husband played this game with me. I'm sorry you're going through it. It sucks. Like you, I wasn't ready to call it quits... thought there might be a slim chance and didn't want to make it worse. It took me a couple weeks of weeks to accept that it was over & get over the hope of the slim chance that it wasn't. I began sleeping on a daybed in my (home) office. Then I realized... screw that! I wasn't the one that ended it. I was claiming the good bed! I cleaned out the guest bedroom closet, moved his stuff in there. Told him he had the room until the end of the year and that when I got back from my Christmas vacation, he had to be out of the house completely.
And, yeah, a small part of me was still hoping that him seeing me being proactive and whatnot might make that slim chance happen. It didn't. But it did help stabilize the ending. Our communication improved because we had our own space and, more importantly, he knew that he couldn't play me emotionally as he was.
So, my advice. If you plan to stay in the apartment if/when it is over, don't wait for him to move to the guest bedroom. Move him there yourself. He ended it. That means that he is, essentially, a guest in your home and staying there until he can get something else.
posted by imbri at 7:41 PM on July 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
And, yeah, a small part of me was still hoping that him seeing me being proactive and whatnot might make that slim chance happen. It didn't. But it did help stabilize the ending. Our communication improved because we had our own space and, more importantly, he knew that he couldn't play me emotionally as he was.
So, my advice. If you plan to stay in the apartment if/when it is over, don't wait for him to move to the guest bedroom. Move him there yourself. He ended it. That means that he is, essentially, a guest in your home and staying there until he can get something else.
posted by imbri at 7:41 PM on July 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
He feels entitled to sleep in "The" bed. He considers ceding territory to be weak and wants you to be the one to slink away, defeated, displaced.
Tell him to get out of the apartment ASAP. Until that day (give him a deadline) tell him he'll need to sleep in the other room. Calmly and firmly, as a statement of fact.
I don't think we can possibly know enough about you two to know whether or not there is any real chance for reconciliation. But him sleeping in your bed right now isn't going to be the thing that makes it or breaks it.
You're not giving up on the potential for eventual reconciliation by kicking him out of your bed. But if he insists otherwise (i.e. I would've considered getting back together with you but you ruined it by kicking me out of the bed) than you KNOW there was no chance.
posted by desuetude at 8:05 PM on July 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
Tell him to get out of the apartment ASAP. Until that day (give him a deadline) tell him he'll need to sleep in the other room. Calmly and firmly, as a statement of fact.
I don't think we can possibly know enough about you two to know whether or not there is any real chance for reconciliation. But him sleeping in your bed right now isn't going to be the thing that makes it or breaks it.
You're not giving up on the potential for eventual reconciliation by kicking him out of your bed. But if he insists otherwise (i.e. I would've considered getting back together with you but you ruined it by kicking me out of the bed) than you KNOW there was no chance.
posted by desuetude at 8:05 PM on July 12, 2015 [12 favorites]
Take it back. Pack his possessions up, leave them at the front door
This is a dangerous thing to do. If he is on the lease, this can be illegal (you can't kick him out of his home, and he can't kick you out of yours - however cathartic), and you can end up in trouble. As in, arrested, or whatever. It can be serious.
Take your things and leave. Don't fuck with his things. Unless there is some sort of "my boyfriend is a shithead" clause in your lease, you can't just throw him out.
Just leave. It's over, and he's hoping you get the hint first. No, he doesn't deserve it. So what. The universe doesn't care about justice. You deserve your own space that you control. Go find it.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:52 PM on July 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is a dangerous thing to do. If he is on the lease, this can be illegal (you can't kick him out of his home, and he can't kick you out of yours - however cathartic), and you can end up in trouble. As in, arrested, or whatever. It can be serious.
Take your things and leave. Don't fuck with his things. Unless there is some sort of "my boyfriend is a shithead" clause in your lease, you can't just throw him out.
Just leave. It's over, and he's hoping you get the hint first. No, he doesn't deserve it. So what. The universe doesn't care about justice. You deserve your own space that you control. Go find it.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:52 PM on July 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers, they're really helping to galvanise me. Yes its been the worst year and this has really been the last straw. As for the lease, it started out as a year contract in both our names and it's now rolling. I found the house. For me it's 10 minutes from work because my job necessitates me being close to work and for him its 30 minutes from his work. It seems far more sensible for him to go but I think the pressure might get the better of me.
posted by Trudi at 2:18 AM on July 13, 2015
posted by Trudi at 2:18 AM on July 13, 2015
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there, and it sucks. My heart hurts for you.
I won't speak to most of your question because I think it's been covered, but just wanted to say I think you should seriously consider moving out. I think it doesn't matter who is on the lease or who found the house or how close to work it is - getting into a new place will give you a fresh start. With so many difficulties in your recent past, seeing the empty side of the bed you once shared will just continue to remind you of those difficulties on a day-to-day basis. If it were me it could very well cause me to spiral for a while. Getting a new place affords some distance from those memories, and gives you a sense of control too.
Best of luck.
posted by vignettist at 4:30 AM on July 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
I won't speak to most of your question because I think it's been covered, but just wanted to say I think you should seriously consider moving out. I think it doesn't matter who is on the lease or who found the house or how close to work it is - getting into a new place will give you a fresh start. With so many difficulties in your recent past, seeing the empty side of the bed you once shared will just continue to remind you of those difficulties on a day-to-day basis. If it were me it could very well cause me to spiral for a while. Getting a new place affords some distance from those memories, and gives you a sense of control too.
Best of luck.
posted by vignettist at 4:30 AM on July 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah since you've now told us that you have no legal obligation to pay rent on this house it seems reasonable for you to start looking actively for someplace else to live (rather than get into a power struggle over who "gets" the place you're in now). You could also do as some suggested above, start by asking him to move out. Then, if he refuses or starts some bull**** with you, you can move out.
"we had a small disagreement and he blew up, said he only stayed to support me, that he didn't love me and the relationship was over. It got more unpleasant that that..."
This relationship is over, but it's going to take time for you to manage that emotionally (of course). But don't wait for him to make some decision about it. Listen to what he's said, that he doesn't feel love for you (sorry to repeat that) and start to move on. I'm sorry, the situation sounds just awful.
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:58 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
"we had a small disagreement and he blew up, said he only stayed to support me, that he didn't love me and the relationship was over. It got more unpleasant that that..."
This relationship is over, but it's going to take time for you to manage that emotionally (of course). But don't wait for him to make some decision about it. Listen to what he's said, that he doesn't feel love for you (sorry to repeat that) and start to move on. I'm sorry, the situation sounds just awful.
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:58 PM on July 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
My heart pangs for you. This sounds like a terrible situation to be in; but you have to realize that your partner's actions speak louder than his words. He is a cruel, nasty person. Whatever you have to do to get out of this situation, do it.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:16 PM on July 15, 2015
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:16 PM on July 15, 2015
Response by poster: So the update 2+ weeks on is, that I asked him to leave the room which he has done. He doesn't want to move out of the house but has eventually agreed that he will find somewhere else asap. The reason that I am not moving is that my friends (and the news) have told me that there is a rental crisis where I live and that it will be hard if not impossible to get anywhere decent and I just don't need any more upheaval at this point.
The problem is that I cannot see him making any effort to look for alternative accommodation, I have intermittently checked his internet history and its full of sports pages, netflix, news etc but no accommodation searches. His work is too busy to look during the day and he is either playing sport in the evening or at home surfing the net or watching TV.
He is very cool with me on a day-to-day basis, just about acknowledging me which is making things even harder and the few longer conversations we've had have been put-downs of me. I'm just trying to keep my distance and maintain some self-preservation at this point. Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate them and they've really helped a lot even though it was hard to face reality. I will start putting the pressure on for him to go.
posted by Trudi at 2:05 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
The problem is that I cannot see him making any effort to look for alternative accommodation, I have intermittently checked his internet history and its full of sports pages, netflix, news etc but no accommodation searches. His work is too busy to look during the day and he is either playing sport in the evening or at home surfing the net or watching TV.
He is very cool with me on a day-to-day basis, just about acknowledging me which is making things even harder and the few longer conversations we've had have been put-downs of me. I'm just trying to keep my distance and maintain some self-preservation at this point. Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate them and they've really helped a lot even though it was hard to face reality. I will start putting the pressure on for him to go.
posted by Trudi at 2:05 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Good for you! I have no idea about the legality of your situation and getting him to move out, but if you want to light a fire under him, is there any way of telling him you need him out by x date? Maybe you could tell him you've got a room mate moving in and he has to be gone or whatever, but he called the break up, you need him out. The fact that there's a rental crisis is not your problem, he doesn't get to stay indefinitely, treating you like crap while enjoying the convenience of somewhere to stay.
If I was wanting to REALLY force the issue, bring a date back to the house. Giggle and cuddle, right there in front of him. Your ex barely acknowledges you? That's alright, you've found someone else who will and he's sitting on your couch! (I understand you're probably totally not up for dating right now, I would actually be prepared to get a male friend he doesn't know to play act that scenario just to make it uncomfortable enough so your ex can't wait to get out. I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, don't cave on this one and don't put up with his crap any longer.
posted by Jubey at 6:20 PM on July 23, 2015
If I was wanting to REALLY force the issue, bring a date back to the house. Giggle and cuddle, right there in front of him. Your ex barely acknowledges you? That's alright, you've found someone else who will and he's sitting on your couch! (I understand you're probably totally not up for dating right now, I would actually be prepared to get a male friend he doesn't know to play act that scenario just to make it uncomfortable enough so your ex can't wait to get out. I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, don't cave on this one and don't put up with his crap any longer.
posted by Jubey at 6:20 PM on July 23, 2015
Seconding that you should give him a deadline for getting out.
Meanwhile, rental crisis or no, look for a new place for yourself anyway. You may luck out.
If you find a place and plan to move, make ABSOLUTELY sure to contact your current landlord in writing at least 30 days (rough guideline -- check with your local landlord-tenant rights advocacy group) before you move out to have your name taken off of the lease. Get it confirmed in writing. Because you do not want to be legally responsible for your ex paying his rent on time, damages, etc. Likewise, if you do manage to get the ex to move out, his name needs to be formally removed from the lease.
Depending on how formal your landlord is, he/she may consider it to be a new lease if this happens, requiring a credit check, proof that whoever is staying can afford the place on their own, etc. This may or may not be relevant depending on your and your ex's financial situations.
/IANAL
posted by desuetude at 8:10 AM on July 24, 2015
Meanwhile, rental crisis or no, look for a new place for yourself anyway. You may luck out.
If you find a place and plan to move, make ABSOLUTELY sure to contact your current landlord in writing at least 30 days (rough guideline -- check with your local landlord-tenant rights advocacy group) before you move out to have your name taken off of the lease. Get it confirmed in writing. Because you do not want to be legally responsible for your ex paying his rent on time, damages, etc. Likewise, if you do manage to get the ex to move out, his name needs to be formally removed from the lease.
Depending on how formal your landlord is, he/she may consider it to be a new lease if this happens, requiring a credit check, proof that whoever is staying can afford the place on their own, etc. This may or may not be relevant depending on your and your ex's financial situations.
/IANAL
posted by desuetude at 8:10 AM on July 24, 2015
The guy has been a jerk to you, and I'm not taking his side in this. But sneakily checking his internet history is not cool. Even jerks deserve their privacy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:20 PM on July 24, 2015
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:20 PM on July 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does it matter?
If I were your friend I would tell you stop hoping for reconciliation and make the separate bedrooms (and separate households) happen as soon as you can. You deserve better.
posted by pantarei70 at 3:41 PM on July 12, 2015 [24 favorites]