Self-acceptance after breakup with asexual, aromantic girlfriend

July 11, 2015 9:50 PM

My girlfriend and I broke up because while I felt unloved and unwanted, she felt I was putting too much pressure on her and setting unreasonable expectations on the relationship. After the breakup, she told me she now identifies as ace + aro, neither of which I am. I feel guilty I didn't know much about this topic while we were together, and the more I read about it the more I get depressed and dwell on mistakes I made unknowingly. How can I respect myself after this?

Keeping the snowflake details short: we were a hetero couple in our mid-20s, we were together for three years, and this was her first relationship. We started dating long-distance while she was still in college, but I had a job with lots of travel so I was able to visit often, and we talked over Skype a lot. After graduating, we moved in together for a year, but even though we were in the same apartment she only took time away from the computer / TV to spend time together once a week or so - about the same frequency as when we were long distance. We shared a bed, and I was her first sexual partner, but she rarely wanted to do anything beyond cuddling. I feel so bad for thinking about this, but we probably had sex less than 10 times over the course of three years.

The lack of sex wasn't the deal breaker for me, though. I felt much more hurt because I'm very much a romantic, and frequently tried to plan outings or ways to let her know I was thinking about her. What I didn't know was that she saw those efforts as clingy and repetitive, and she never felt the need to do the same for me. I told her how I was feeling multiple times, but in hindsight it seems ridiculous to explain my sexual and romantic desires to her when she wasn't feeling either of those things - which is why we broke up, I guess.

A few months afterwards, I was feeling low and decided to send her a romantic email; when she replied, she told me about her newfound identity as ace/aro. This was the first time I had seen those words, so I started reading as much as I could about asexuality. I can highly recommend the book "The Invisible Orientation" by Julie Decker, as well as the resources available through AVEN. Unfortunately, while I've been learning a lot, I've also been experiencing a great deal of emotional pain. I know the materials aren't meant to do this, but as I'm reading I feel like the words are shaming me for not recognizing her personality and preferences earlier, and for not treating her with more respect while we were together. I never intended to force or manipulate her into anything, but I recognize aspects of her discomfort during sex and her unhappiness during romantic vacations in the "survivor stories" available from asexuals who post about their experiences.

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but only got the nerve to write this up after seeing today's FPP on asexuality. Since popular awareness of asexuality and aromanticism is a recent phenomenon, I haven't been able to talk to my friends or family about it much. I realize this is the job of a good ally, but it gets uncomfortable and exhausting to explain what these things are and why they're real and not illnesses, especially since it's the part of my life I'm asking for help dealing with. I stopped seeing my therapist over this because she wasn't able to understand the problem beyond the struggles of a normal breakup, either.

Any stories of other people dealing with similar situations would be appreciated, as well as suggestions for getting your sense of self-acceptance back after feeling like you let someone close to you down. Therapist recommendations in the Bay Area are welcome, too :)

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I think the first, important thing to remember is that she didn't know either. Oh, she knew she didn't like these things that you were doing and that you liked, but it doesn't sound like she did a good job of communicating to you what that meant or how deeply it went. You can't go expecting yourself to know her better than she knows herself - it would be insulting to her, to expect that another person could know her feelings better than she herself does. The primary person who was trying to force your girlfriend to be and enjoy things she wasn't was your girlfriend.

If she had told you that she was asexual and aromantic, you would have been able to do the research that you have done since and get a better understanding of the problem. If she had told you what the research has told you, you would have had a better understanding of the problem. But she didn't know that yet. She did not have the tools she needed to talk to you about this thing. It's a tragedy, and that may be how you need to look at it: A sad thing that happened, but was not her fault or yours. Where each of you acted as best you knew how, and that wasn't enough, but now she has the knowledge she needs to take better care of herself in the future.
posted by Lady Li at 10:04 PM on July 11, 2015 [34 favorites]

I think you're blaming yourself too much. It's not your responsibility to be able to figure out that your partner is aromantic or asexual. It's really unfortunate that she wasn't able to figure that out for herself and articulate it to you when you were still dating, but that's not in any way your fault.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:06 PM on July 11, 2015 [50 favorites]

Any stories of other people dealing with similar situations would be appreciated,

'How I found out my partner was gay'
Many gay men and women end up marrying people of the opposite sex. But what is it like for the spouse who eventually finds their marriage breaking down? ...

Unfortunately, while I've been learning a lot, I've also been experiencing a great deal of emotional pain. I know the materials aren't meant to do this, but as I'm reading I feel like the words are shaming me for not recognizing her personality and preferences earlier, and for not treating her with more respect while we were together. ... well as suggestions for getting your sense of self-acceptance back after feeling like you let someone close to you down.

Maybe stop educating yourself about it for a while? You're reading stuff which is intended to be supportive for a minority that you're not part of. Consideration of your ego is completely beyond its scope and requirements and you're not going to get any warm fuzzies from it. At this particular point reading that stuff is only going to make you feel wistful and alienated. Put bluntly it's causing you to suffer and there is already enough suffering in the world. You need some emotional cathartic spa-time be it fluff reading, gym-time, bible study and/or one-night-stands, or what-have-you.
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:15 PM on July 11, 2015 [28 favorites]

As an old person with a lot of relationship and sexual experiences of many and varied stripes, I hereby absolve you of any guilt for all of the good reasons cited above and below my comment here.

Seriously. This is "Live and Learn" territory stuff. No blame necessary.
posted by jbenben at 10:23 PM on July 11, 2015 [17 favorites]

If anything maybe you could have brought up sooner that she didn't seem to be into the relationship so you could find someone to lavish your lovey-doveyness on who would appreciate it. But you would have to have been psychic to guess that she was actually asexual and aromantic and not just young and inexperienced and not that into you. Actually I kind of think it would have been inappropriate and kind of weird to just guess that.
posted by bleep at 11:20 PM on July 11, 2015 [7 favorites]

"You mean he took you to picnic in the park with champagne? What a complete asshole. How dare he!" I really think you need to get some perspective on this. You seem very dramatic about something that really is not. Your girlfriend is not a 'survivor'. You survive as a rape victim. You survive as a victim of domestic assault. You do not survive being taken to a five star restaurant in a horse drawn carriage. Really, the language you're using minimises the experience of actual victims. If the worst thing that happened to your ex is that someone she was in a romantic relationship with tried to show his love for her and she wasn't into it, well she's luckier than a lot of people I know.

I'm sorry, but she needed to use her words and tell you she didn't like it and you need to realise that this wasn't the relationship for you and move on. This is no great trauma and you're not her assaulter. She probably is asexual. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It means now she's got a word for how she feels. And you both go your separate ways.
posted by Jubey at 11:55 PM on July 11, 2015 [80 favorites]

I'm very much a romantic, and frequently tried to plan outings or ways to let her know I was thinking about her.

please don't beat yourself up about doing things like this. They may not have been the right things to do with her, but they are kind and thoughtful actions that many people would appreciate. This relationship didn't work out, and that doesn't have to be anybody's fault.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:10 AM on July 12, 2015 [7 favorites]

You went into a relationship with normal expectations on the romantic and intimate side of a relationship and were pushed away without explanation. Now after the relationship they're pretty much just telling you that they're not into those sorts of relationships and that's why they pushed you away. I think she was pretty much saying, "It's not you, it's me. No really it's me."

You did nothing wrong here.

I also don't think therapy is a bad idea because it seems like your reaction to this is pretty strong. (And hey, everyone can use therapy!)
posted by Crystalinne at 12:32 AM on July 12, 2015 [16 favorites]

Hey, speaking as an ace myself, I don't see anything wrong with what you did throughout the relationship or after. I'm not her, but i can't imagine blaming an ex for something I wasn't able to articulate yet. Ease up on yourself.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:01 AM on July 12, 2015 [8 favorites]

I think your research is pushing you into a much more high-contrast headspace than is good for you. Among my ace (and sometimes aro) and grey-a buddies (of which I have a weirdly high number, even though if forced I will now ID as grey-a myself) there's a definite pushback about the sort of intense powerful very black and white conception of how asexuals supposedly interact with sexual people in romantic and physical relationships that is prevalent in a lot of the current discourse, especially in AVEN-associated circles.

The whole idea is to expand the general concept of what is "normal" and yet that seems to come along with a lot of assumptions about the normality of ace folks that often simply don't play out. Fact is, everybody's different and that's that. Your research, while originally a great idea, is obviously not jiving well any longer with the things that make you different.

No amount of research will take the place of open and clear communication between individual people in relationships, and it sounds like your ex simply didn't have the language to articulate herself until after you broke up. That's nobody's fault and you especially shouldn't feel guilt from acting on your social norms when those norms are from a place of kindness and affection and attempted empathy.

It seems like this has triggered something in you that is unrelated to the actual events of your relationship, considering how strongly you feel and how unusual your feelings are in this situation (if pressed I'd say "normally" the response of the open-minded sexual ex to learning their ex partner now IDs as ace is something more like "well that was a waste of both our time"). Maybe there's something else going on with you and this is misplaced stress? You might also try if you can see your ex in person in a friendly group setting just to see her doing well and not blaming you, because a little closure is probably a good idea.
posted by Mizu at 1:37 AM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]

I think one of the hardest parts of getting older is that you gain experiences and knowledge that would have really really helped you if only you'd known about it 3 or 5 or 15 years ago. It can really painful to sit in the present and think about the past, because the solution to a problem that dogged you for years can seem so simple and obvious now: "Of course I should have seen that she..." or "All I had to do was..." But of course there's no way for you to travel back in time and give your old self the answer. And even if there was, your old self might not take your advice, because sometimes the only way you can learn something is by living through it and then looking back at your past from that perspective, the way you look back down at the landscape you've been hiking through when you get to the top of a mountain. So I think you should try and be kind to yourself, because you were just doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
posted by colfax at 1:47 AM on July 12, 2015 [19 favorites]

Regardless of how the other person in the relationship identifies or not, as a partner in the relationship, you have the right to express your desires and needs. You also should expect to have your partner work with you to meet those needs, even though it may require compromises on both sides. Unless there are aspects of this you are not telling us, it doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:45 AM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]

The things you are reading are not meant to shame you for not recognizing the things that your girlfriend needed.

Look at it this way: your girlfriend, the one person with complete access to your girlfriend's thoughts and emotions, didn't recognize what she needed. She would not have entered into a romantic or sexual relationship with you if she did.

I think that a lot of the materials you're reading have been written by people who "just knew" - and those who identify with the label the most firmly - but in reality, being asexual can be confusing. So much of our culture is focused on romance and sex that it is hard to sort out what you want from what the culture tells you that you want. Being asexual is also not necessarily an all-or-nothing proposition; some people experience very low levels of attraction that are not enough to make the reality of a relationship work.

I took over a decade to come to grips with the fact that I am not interested in the type of relationship that you wanted with your girlfriend. I imagine myself in your girlfriend's shoes: I've found a guy I really like, and I want to have a romantic and sexual relationship with him even though I don't desire it. I give it a try, only to find that the reality is unpleasant. I think something is wrong with me, so I keep trying. After all, I've been told, directly or indirectly, that I just need to "find the right one," that I need to uncover whatever psychological problem I have (am I secretly repressed?), and so on.

Then I find out that there are others like me, that there is a word for it, and it's not something that's wrong with me. Trying isn't going to "fix" me. Do I blame the guy? No.

This is not exactly my experience, but it is very easy to imagine it.

I can't tell you that you never made things worse in your relationship, because I wasn't there. But I can tell you that you can't hold yourself responsible for not realizing something your girlfriend didn't even realize. To be honest, it is a little icky to even try to assume that responsibility for yourself. It's your girlfriend's work to figure out who she is and what she needs, not yours. You are not in control of that part of her life.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:20 AM on July 12, 2015 [4 favorites]

I've had to rewrite this a few times, but basically in the shortest possible form:

Several friend of mine over the years were on your side of this. At least one was on the other side. Both of my friends who were on your side of it worked through their feelings about it only to find that their ex was now... happily dating someone, and just hadn't been in to them but didn't have much experience and filed it under general-not-wanting.

I mean this in no way to say anything to the effect of "ace is a phase" or anything. I know people who are ace, it's definitely just... them, innately. But the whole first relationship, first partner, young thing made me feel the need to basically say don't shore up your emotional walls all on one bank of the river and get flooded on the other side if, in the distant possibility, it turns out to be a thing that makes you get stuck in the thought spiral of "oh god, it wasn't just that she wasn't into that sort of thing at all she just wasn't in to me!".

Work towards being ok with the former and the latter, just incase it happens. Some people have a lightswitch moment and immediately know what they want. Other's take time to figure it out, and drift around to find the edges of their identity. Be prepared for either.
posted by emptythought at 4:33 AM on July 12, 2015 [6 favorites]

as I'm reading I feel like the words are shaming me for not recognizing her personality and preferences earlier, and for not treating her with more respect while we were together.

If you look back at your life and see yourself behaving like a jerk, that's actually good.

Almost nobody deliberately chooses to behave like a jerk; doing so is almost always a reflection of some degree of cluelessness. So if you're musing on your past and the memory of having done something or other leaves you feeling horribly embarrassed, that's clear evidence that you have now learned a thing or two. For having done which: well done you!

All we can ever do is the best we can with what we have at the time. There is no good reason why internal embarrassment over what we now understand as past mistakes needs to translate to ongoing shame. The simple fact is that as a result of the experiences you describe, you are now better informed and therefore less likely to cause the same kind of suffering for your present self and any present or future partner.

People who look back at their past and find nothing to regret are the ones that I am personally wary of. Either they're extraordinarily lucky or unfortunately learning-resistant.
posted by flabdablet at 4:42 AM on July 12, 2015 [12 favorites]

Yeah, man, this was all totally her fault. She didn't communicate to you that she was different from most women that would normally date. You acted on the natural assumption that she was signing up for the same thing you were. Don't let her change you. As a woman, I beg you, don't let her change you. There are enough broken men out there who are afraid to be loving and romantic. Don't join their ranks.
posted by myselfasme at 5:20 AM on July 12, 2015 [8 favorites]

Coming back to this, after I think what you wrote some more -

I haven't been able to talk to my friends or family about it much. I realize this is the job of a good ally

Does your ex-girlfriend want you to talk about this with your friends and family? I can't speak for her, but if I was in her situation, I would not expect my ex-boyfriend to tell his family the reason for his break up. In fact, I would take any campaign on his part to "educate" people about asexuality on my behalf to be overstepping and possibly violating of my privacy.

People break up all the time. You don't need to justify why you're no longer in a relationship with this person. The answer to "what happened" can simply be that you weren't compatible, which is true but also comfortably vague.

It's one thing to seek support to understand what has happened, but it really seems as though you're trying to reestablish a feeling of control over the relationship, even if the result is to make yourself feel guilty. From your description, it seems like you were the one who made plans, initiated sex, and so on. It is really easy for dudes to fall into the trap of thinking that you're in control, even unconsciously. But sometimes you gotta let it go.

You need to grant your ex-girlfriend her own agency, here. It really isn't all about you and what you do/did.

Yeah, man, this was all totally her fault.

Hey, we don't need to shift the blame here; a situation can be shitty without it being anyone's "fault." It sounds like they both could have communicated better about their needs, but from what's written here, the girlfriend doesn't deserve the rhetoric about how it's her fault because she was deceptive and how women like her "break" men. That's just nasty, and it's not a healthy way to process the break-up either.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 7:57 AM on July 12, 2015 [8 favorites]

I don't understand why you're being so hard on yourself. I don't think there's any situation in which it's appropriate to assume that your romantic partner is asexual and aromantic. It sounds like you didn't push her boundaries exceptionally hard or do anything really other than not-mind-read. I think you need to just let this go.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:16 AM on July 12, 2015 [3 favorites]

I was in a relationship that was the opposite. I wanted the thoughtful dates and the romantic stuff. But I didn't get any of that and I blamed myself, thinking I wasn't loved enough and it was my fault. Well, my ex wasn't doing any of that stuff because he's gay. It's easier to think if I would've just realized I could've spared myself a ton of heartache and self-esteem issues and been with someone who appreciated me.

OP, find someone who will appreciate you. (Stop trying to figuring out why your relationship didn't work out and how to make things better or easier for her and show her you understand. Relationships end, people break up. You learned this relationship wasn't for you. It's time to move on.)
posted by lunastellasol at 8:36 AM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]

I stopped seeing my therapist over this because she wasn't able to understand the problem beyond the struggles of a normal breakup, either.

Maybe try another therapist, or go back to this one? Sexual incompatibility, whether from different orientations or libidos or whatever, is a normal breakup reason... Not to say see this same person if she wasn't helping you, but therapy helps get through any kind of breakup.

That's what this really boils down to: you and your ex-girlfriend were incompatible. You have no more blame than any other post-couple individual. You did not traumatize her. You did not miss signals. You're not expected to have known.

Call a therapist, whether your recently dismissed one or someone else.
posted by RainyJay at 8:39 AM on July 12, 2015

I realize this is the job of a good ally, but it gets uncomfortable and exhausting to explain what these things are and why they're real and not illnesses, especially since it's the part of my life I'm asking for help dealing with.

It's really not, no more than it was the job of the boy I dated for a while as a teenager to be an LGBT ally when I came out to him privately, and then advocate to his friends and family for me after we broke up. That would have been ridiculous, and frankly, with all due respect to asexual and aromantic people, they don't need nearly as much advocating and allying and visibility as trans and queer people did and do. The situations are not remotely analogous.

Here's what you need to get: her asexuality and aromanticism is Not About You, apart from the possibility that she might have thought you seemed like someone who wouldn't hound her for sex and would respect her boundaries, which is a good and positive thing. Other than that, really: it's Not About You, just like a POC deciding to date a white person doesn't say anything much beyond "This Person Does Not Seem Likely To Be A Massive Overt Racist" and, y'know, they liked that person as an individual. Your treatment of her in the relationship was also Not About Her Asexuality, any more than the guy I dated when I was closeted was being homophobic when we had an argument about some dumb teenager crap.

You do just need to treat it like a normal breakup, because that's what it was. Special snowflaking it up like this might well be just an attempt to hold on to the relationship or avoid the shitty reality that, well, sometimes people are just incompatible.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 11:06 AM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]

There are people who accepted that if they can't get sex at home, they can get it... elsewhere, WITH permission of the partner, esp. if the partner is unwilling or unable to provide it, while maintain the emotional (spiritual?) connection to the partner.

It is rather sad that you two did not attempt to resolve this with this... alternate method. However, now that you are aware of such category... and a potential solution, I hope you have learned from the experience, that you need both emotional *and* physical relationship with your partner. If your partner cannot provide both, then it's time to consider an alternate arrangement, including "leave".

It is a breakup, like after having a big fight, i.e. "irreconcilable difference". Don't beat yourself over it. It is sad that it's over, but it's also a new beginning, and you have learned and grew from such an experience.
posted by kschang at 11:26 AM on July 12, 2015

Apologies in advance if I seem to be going off on a tangent here, but do you tend to be a bit of a perfectionist in general? Because I experience that sometimes. I pour so much of myself and so much energy into a thing, trying to get everything just perfect to be the best whatever I can be, and ig it doesn't work out the way I had hoped or if the person I was doing it for doesn't feel the same way about it, I've been known to beat myself up about it pretty badly. It's taken me a long time to adopt a live and learn philosophy (and I still don't always do it as often as I should).
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:05 PM on July 12, 2015 [5 favorites]

The thing is, it doesn't sound like you had an emotional connection either. She would only leave the computer to spend time with you once a week? Ouch. I would spend more time than that with a random housemate.

I think that the asexual/aromantic thing is a bit of a red herring, because it doesn't sound like she was platonically into you either. It's perfectly possible for somebody asexual to have a close emotional relationship with other people (friends, family members), and it doesn't even sound like you guys had a close friendship. It really just sounds like any other dead relationship.

It sounds like a really rough situation for you. It is so difficult to be with somebody who withholds affection, regardless of why they do it. You spend all of your time trying to squash your needs down and make yourself "better" in order to get a few scraps of attention from them. I wonder if beating yourself up about "not knowing" is part of this - do you wonder if you had only acted differently then everything would have worked out and she would have shown you affection? Because honestly I doubt things would have been any different.
posted by tinkletown at 4:21 PM on July 12, 2015 [3 favorites]

> after feeling like you let someone close to you down

I read this as "feeling like you let someone close you down". And to me that sounded just about right after what you've described.

It's sad that you and someone you felt love and affection for didn't mesh better. But I think there's every likelihood that you will both be happier a year from now in relationships better suited to your personal needs.
posted by cleroy at 6:54 PM on July 12, 2015 [2 favorites]