How do I overcome selfish cowardice and breakup with a nice person?
July 10, 2015 3:05 PM   Subscribe

I've been dating this woman for almost a year. For most of that time I've known that she is not "the one" but has been very loyal and is head over heels for me. We've helped each other a great deal over the past year and it has been nice to have someone to call when things come up. We also have a pretty good report and she is mostly kinda and sweet. Our sex is good and fun. But I feel like I'm pretending. I've never told her I love her and have been honest about that with her. I know it hurts her that I don't tell her this. I do care about her and we have fun together. But as I get older (45) I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in this relationship.

I'm having a block. I just can't bring myself to break-up with her because I know it would devastate- I'm not trying to sound like I'm so great, I just know her temperament.

Ways we are different: She likes to sleep and lounge til noon, I like to get up by 7-8am even on weekends and get going. She likes to drunk more than I do. She makes significantly less money than me and is always struggling with money worries. I'm a pretty mellow, soft-spoken guy and she is very loud which makes me a little on edge. Her place is a chaos of clothes, books, makeup, shoes, strewn all around. I get stressed when my place is messy for more than a day. She's a glass half-empty person and even though I can be that way too, I've always dated glass-half-full types. Her cynicism is getting to me. She's very loyal to the point of submissive to me and I have never dated submissive women before, always headstrong women. I'm not comfortable telling her what to do.

I keep thinking I'm getting close then something will happen- money worries, or she gets depressed about the way a colleague treated her, or she's having a rough week with this or that. And then this week she texts me that next week will be a year since our first date and says "I know you're not into this type of stuff but I think it would be cool to do something to celebrate."

That kills me. I know she just wants love in her life and that she deserves it. I like her a lot but I'm not in love with her. Friends tell me to really think long and hard before I breakup with her because I'm not getting any younger. That seems like a psych out to me. Maybe I will regret it but we are so different.

Do I just bite the bullet and realize there is no -good- time to breakup? Is there a way I can approach this with her and not be a jerk? I'm having major guilt and major run-far-away feelings.

At the same time I have fears about being alone but I know that's what I need. I think back to when I was at the hospital a few months ago for a small surgery. The nurse tells me I need to have a friend pick me up. I had planned on taking a cab because my friends are mostly unavailable to me- have kids, schedules that don't include me. I don't have many people to call on. But she was there for me. I love her for that. And I fear being truly alone but I think it might make me stronger. I don't know.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
You have the internet's permission to break up with this person.

If you're not satisfied, you're not satisfied - I don't think it really has to be any more complicated than that. If she's not giving you what you want/need in the relationship, then move on.
posted by modernnomad at 3:24 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


Don't settle. And don't decide her for that you are the best she'll ever get. You both deserve better.
posted by kariebookish at 3:24 PM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]


You can use your words and talk to her about the drinking and the disorganization. She could cut down on the drinking. A regular cleaning service can help couples like you. Sometimes people are just different in small ways, and that sort of thing is workable. Ditto learning financial skills (if the person wants to learn financial skills...)

What's not workable is that you don't love her for who she is. Dear goodness, YES, break up. Even right now, before your anniversary. Especially.

"I have something serious to tell you. I like you a lot but I'm not feeling as deeply about this relationship as I should. I am ending things here because to go farther is unfair to both of us considering my feelings. I am sorry."

You must go "no contact" as quickly and kindly as possible. If you do not, this person will continue to think you will come around. No break up sex. No favors. No texting. No contact. OK?

I think you owe her a few (maybe two?) conversations on the subject to help her process the news, but after that, you need to block her number and email, social media connections - the whole thing.
posted by jbenben at 3:24 PM on July 10, 2015 [22 favorites]


This isn't a decision between being with her and being alone. This is a decision between being with her and not being with her. Decide that. If you decide you don't want to be with her, end it.

Then if you don't want to be alone, look for someone else to date. The very worst most awful horrible reason in the world to stay in a relationship is because you don't have anyone else to pick you up at the hospital. I am in a relationship and am having surgery in a few weeks and am going to use a TaskRabbiter to pick me up because I don't want my BF to have to leave work for that. There are other options. There are always other options, including doing a lot of stuff all by yourself.

I feel like there's a whole lot going on here. Like, are you unsatisfied BECAUSE you are different from each other? Or are you unsatisfied AND you are different? If it's because, then what about compromise? If she's so submissive, maybe you can get her to consciously change some of her patterns, like pick up after herself a bit.

Also, unless she's a complete idiot, I suspect she gets a lot of what's going on for you and she may be manufacturing reasons for you to stay. But if you need to leave, just go. Just end it. There's no good time. You can do it during a week in which someone wasn't nice to her or she didn't balance her checkbook, maybe it would be better to do it then, since then she'll have something worse to focus on and the colleague troubles or money troubles will be put into perspective. But maybe you're using those excuses because you don't actually want to break up with her.

At this point, I would ask you whether you have ever been married or ever lived with a partner. At 45, if the answer is no, then be warned that, in my experience, the older you get, the more entrenched you'll be in finding the Right Relationship, like you get ONE SHOT at it and you'd BETTER get it right. It might not work that way. If you really want a committed relationship, you have to be okay with it not being perfect and you also have to be okay with the idea that you might make a mistake in who you choose to be committed to. That means compromise for sure, and it's hard for those of us who are used to living alone to make those compromises, but it also means letting go of expectations, including the expectation that the relationship will last forever. It might not. Well, no, for sure it won't. Someone will die, or one or both of you will decide to end it, and it will be over. So don't get so hung up on the perfect relationship. Find what works, what doesn't stress you out, what makes you feel fulfilled and optimistic, and just go with it. If that means ending it with her, do so. You won't/can't find the next doorway until you have walked through and closed this one.
posted by janey47 at 3:34 PM on July 10, 2015 [11 favorites]


Building on what jbenben just wrote, it may be unneccessary--even cruel--to transition immediately into no contact after a break up with someone like this. Very frankly, I identify a bit with her temperament. The thought of getting a break-up speech and then no follow up burns me up, even if it's just because that feels like a very one-sided kind of closure. The person being broken up with does, indeed, deserve some of that relief, and that might mean you need to step up and volunteer to let her shout a bit, or cry, or try to negotiate, whatever it is that she needs to go through to cycle out of her feelings. If you do break up with her, be a mensch and do it gently and give her the benefit of the doubt for a while. You can do that for her in exchange for the helpful and welcome companionship she's provided you when you've been in similar positions of need. There's no equivalent in a break-up to just calling a taxi to take you home.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:35 PM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


There is no good time for breaking up, but sooner is always better than later. There is no nice way to break up, either, but there are non-jerky ways to do it.

By not breaking up with her you are considering only your need to not be alone - she also has a need to be with someone who can love her in the way she wants to be loved. The longer you wait the more you are depriving her of the opportunity to get over your relationship and start the search for a mate who is a better fit for her.

Just bite the bullet and do it. Remember that doing it ungracefully is better than not doing it at all.

Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 3:49 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


A lot of times people drag their feet on this stuff because they don't want to be the Bad Guy. SOMEONE HAS TO, and that someone is you. If you try to force her to break up with you, it makes you an utter asshole, and that's way worse than Bad Guy.

You can do that and still step up as much as the Bad Guy can. Take responsibility for the breakup, don't dangle hooks for her to bite thinking she can get you to stay, don't tell her the laundry list of what's wrong with her so she'll think it'll be okay if she fixes all those things. Tell her you hate hate hate hurting her but you know this isn't going anywhere and it's time for you to end it and it's over.

Do your best to handle any practical considerations in a way that doesn't make it harder on her (cooperate with her on getting your stuff back, step back from shared social contacts so she has the support, don't make it so the breakup costs her money, etc), be exceptionally kind, but don't waffle.

She might be horribly hurt, but don't mistake yourself for unreplaceable in her life. You're not all that, and she knows it.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:03 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Almost all of your reasons for wanting to stay together are entirely about you and are very selfish.

Please break up with this woman.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:12 PM on July 10, 2015 [15 favorites]


I think Janey47 has an important point about whether you've ever been married or lived with a partner before, because your question kind of has a ring of "she's not perfect because we have some different habits, so I couldn't be in love with her, and OMG is this forever love and what kind of commitment does she want and I'm freaking out here" to it. And I don't think things really work that way, but even if that's the case here with you, maybe you need to have multiple relationships and figure things out for yourself... although all the examples you give about the chaos and sleeping in etc. sound like things you guys could compromise on and figure out, if you wanted to.

Anyway. If you're going to break up, there's no good time to do it. There are a few spectacularly bad times -- like the day before the bar exam or the MCAT. Otherwise, it's going to suck because breaking up sucks, full stop. Even if you both know it's necessary, it will suck.

But just because it sucks doesn't mean you need to be a dick about it. At this point in your relationship, you need to talk in private. If you're really going to break up, you need to be clear that this is it and there's no hope of things changing. You should also be somewhat honest, in that you tell her you aren't in love with her and never will be, even though you've enjoyed your time together a lot. And you should do it sooner rather than later, because the longer you drag things out once you've decided to break up, the more of an asshole you become.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:17 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


You two aren't compatible, mostly because you want something different. Break up with her. And, tell her it's you, not her. Lay out her good qualities and tell her that your time together has been special, but that you just haven't reached the depth of feeling that you should have by now and that she deserves more. Do not list her flaws or the ways that you're too different. Just tell her that your feelings aren't what they need to be and that you've given this a lot of thought and consideration and there's nothing you or she can do to change it. Don't leave anything open or vague. Make it clear that there's no possibility of staying together.

Do what you can to help her transition (swapping belongings, taking care of things you said you'd do) and be kind about it. After you're disentangled, tell her that you've decided that in order to move on, you'd like to go no-contact for a year.
posted by quince at 4:39 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


She'll be fine, and she'll fall in love again. The way someone loves you is more of the way they are able to love than the love actually being inspired by you and you alone.
posted by discopolo at 5:54 PM on July 10, 2015 [30 favorites]


Also, it's only been a year. I promise you, you aren't destroying her by breaking up with her. You're kind of giving yourself too much weight and importance here.
posted by discopolo at 5:58 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


You might feel like a jerk breaking up with her but you actually will be a jerk if you stay with her when you don't really want to.
posted by kapers at 6:10 PM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


If you care about her, you'll want her to have true lasting happiness. This will not be with you. Break up with her so that she can find it with someone else who will reciprocate.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:39 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you're nearly at the year mark and you've never told her you love her (because you're being honest, not because you're a John Wayne type who loves her but can't use your words)--she'll be fine, and you'll only be a jerk if you keep stringing her along. I honestly haven't been in any relationship ever where love was neither stated nor implied by this mark, so I'm guessing she may suspect something is off and this will be less of a surprise than a relief for her in the long run.
posted by blue suede stockings at 7:00 PM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hi. I just went through what might be a very similar situation a week ago, except it was messy and horrible and left me feeling exploited and disposable and ruined my opinion of the person I was with. So here's some things to keep in mind, in terms of the breakup I wish I'd had:

Sit her down and give her a very clear definitive answer. Yes, you are breaking up with her. You still care about her as a person, but this isn't working for you and you need to leave. Be clear, be polite. Don't harp on about how it's not her fault or how you wish things could have worked out. If you need to say something nice, say that you respect her, you care about her happiness, and you want her to have a partner who can be fully invested. Don't tell her you aren't in love with her (Christ, ouch), but do take full responsibility for the breakup. Please don't try to make her feel better by saying "nice" things that are centered on YOU (like, "I learned a lot from you," or "I had a really good time with you," -- these won't benefit her, they'll only make you feel better.) Don't frame it as some unsolvable problem between you, either. You are choosing to leave. That's going to hurt her a lot at first but it will help her in the long run, because if you frame these problems you've brought up here in your question as the reason you are leaving, it looks like you just can't even be bothered to try and fix them. That may be true, but for the love of God she doesn't need to know you don't think it's worth the effort.

Say, "I understand that you will need time away from me and I want to give you that space. Please just let me know what would be best for you." And then don't contact her unless she contacts you. If she does contact you, please be sensitive to the fact she might be putting herself out there and exploring whether or not the relationship is truly over. If she seems to be trying to initiate relationship conversation, a gentle something like, "I'm truly sorry to cause you pain but this is over and I can't talk about this any more. I understand you may not wish to speak to me after this" would be fine.

The biggest thing is taking ownership of the breakup, being clear, and not giving her a laundry list of reasons WHY things didn't work out. Be kind. Be polite. Be clear. Give her the breakup you wish someone would give you in a similar situation, and things will be as not-bad as they could be.
posted by WidgetAlley at 7:03 PM on July 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


And also, please, please break up with her immediately. I got strung along for six months and it made absolutely everything SO MUCH worse.
posted by WidgetAlley at 7:10 PM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]


I disagree with WidgetAlley, although that was a good post. I think that if she wants to know why you're breaking up with her, and she will, you need to tell her the truth. And the truth is that you're not in love with her. You are very fond of her and wanted to fall in love with her and gave the relationship time to see if that would happen, and it just didn't. And you feel really badly about that, but that is the truth.

You didn't break up with her sooner because you really really like her and are quite attached to her, and maybe it would have been more responsible for you to have ended it sooner, but you just couldn't. And now you are taking responsibility, as it's the anniversary of the beginning of your relationship, and you don't want her to think you and she are a couple who are going to continue as such, with an expectation of a more permanent commitment.

This is going to be painful for both of you, but it's necessary so that both of you can move on and get what you want from a partner.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:14 PM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


Yeah, I actually think that telling her you don't feel love for her is the right thing.

Being in a relationship where your significant other does not love you - or where they treat you like they love you but never say the words - is very painful. It's a daily thorn. It hurts a lot.

And it makes you say things like "hey I know you're not into celebrating our relationship but I think it might be cool to do so." That is just such a sad text. It's so soft and so hopeful. She deserves love; you're right. She's not going to get it from you. Do her a favor and sit her down and tell her that you care for her but you want her to be loved and you aren't able to love her like she deserves. And then leave her be. She will be sad for awhile, but then she will get better and she will move on and will find someone who actually loves her.

Sorry to both of you. What a crummy situation.
posted by sockermom at 9:52 PM on July 10, 2015 [10 favorites]


Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you for the varied and insightful answers. As some were asking about my history- if I'd ever been married or lived with a partner. Yes. I was in a six year relationship and lived with her for three of those years. I understand about compromise at that level. This relationship doesn't make me look forward to working through all of that. It's part of why I don't feel that my heart is in it. And when I mentioned that it might devastate her, it wasn't out of a sense that I'm so great by a long shot. It's just that I can sense that she's trying to forward her life in the best possible spirit and I wish I could help her realize that. But I need to get out of the way and try to find my destiny. Anyway, thank you so very much for the insights. I'm a bit of a conflict avoider so I've got to swallow hard and do this as straightforward and compassionately as possible.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:30 PM on July 10, 2015


Just be honest. Do her a favour and call it off.
posted by mattoxic at 11:44 PM on July 10, 2015


You have a perfect opening for the breakup talk: your girlfriend's desire to mark the one-year anniversary next week. Today or tomorrow, use that as your opener, in person, of course: "You mentioned you wanted to mark the one-year anniversary of our being together. I'm sorry to tell you that my reluctance to do that is due to my wanting to end our one-year relationship."

Then incorporate some of the respectful language from some great answers to a similar question on Ask Metafilter. Particularly scroll down to the famous Miko breakup speech:

http://ask.metafilter.com/88726/How-do-I-let-someone-down-easy#1305651
posted by Elsie at 3:37 AM on July 11, 2015


Sometimes you want to fall in love with someone and don't. When a relationship is just okay it is much harder to end it than when it is awful. But ultimately you don't need any reason more to break up with someone than the fact that you don't want to be with her. Yes, your girlfriend will be really upset, and I do really feel for her - getting dumped feels like a punishment and she has done nothing wrong. But it's not a punishment and you didn't ask to feel this way. It's not your fault that you don't love her. It will be your fault if you string her along for years knowing that you don't love her but wanting someone to pick you up from the hospital.

Also, this (one of my all time favourites) sprang to mind. The best time to break up with her is definitely before you meet someone else who makes you feel all the things she doesn't.
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:04 AM on July 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


Do I just bite the bullet and realize there is no -good- time to breakup?

Yes, exactly. There's always going to be one more excuse why "now" isn't the ideal time. There will always be an anniversary or birthday or holiday coming up. Or someone will be sick. Or someone will be going through hard times and you won't want to feel like you're being mean for making them harder. Or someone will be very happy and you won't want to ruin it.

It's never fun to be break up with someone, but sometimes you just have to do it. You've apparently realized that the time has come. So why wait? Do you really think it's going to be any easier to do it later? And realize that you're not doing her any favors by postponing the inevitable — the longer she stays with you in a failed relationship, the less time she has to find someone else or do whatever else she wants on her own.
posted by John Cohen at 6:28 AM on July 11, 2015


Do I just bite the bullet and realize there is no -good- time to breakup?

There is never a good time to break up.

My ex-boyfriend and I decided we were going to break up after the holidays. We just had to get through Thanksgiving (which was also his mother's birthday), Christmas, maybe mThere is never a good time to break up. y college graduation in May...

Instead, we ended up breaking up the Friday before Thanksgiving. I moved out, stayed with friends and family until the day after Thanksgiving, and then got my new place. One of my relatives was worried this would mean I couldn't make green bean casserole. I did.

That wasn't the best timing, but it was long past due. That's what made it really bad.

Rip off the band-aid now. Before she starts planning for the anniversary, for the summer, for the fall. Before she starts building off what she thinks is a solid foundation of a relationship.

But she was there for me. I love her for that.

This isn't enough. I had that with my ex too! It didn't fix anything else. It just made us semi-good people. We were mostly horrible to each other, but we could joke around in a hospital waiting room like nobody's business.
posted by RainyJay at 9:44 AM on July 11, 2015


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