Being positive despite not getting a plus 1 to a wedding
July 9, 2015 8:16 PM Subscribe
I just want to get over this hurt feeling before the wedding happens in August
I"ve known my friend since I was in preschool, and we grew up together. She's getting married in August and I'm playing music for her wedding ceremony, but I don't get to bring a date.
For context:
Since she came out as a lesbian and started dating her current fiancée, we haven't hung out much (which I totally understand- this always happens when people start a new relationship), and in other aspects of our lives, we don't actually have that much in common. But, we have gone to elementary, high school, and university together and have been very close at many points of our relationship, I think that now maybe she doesn't have the need for a close female friend at this point. Which I am okay with, since I live in another city and have my own friend group here.
Anyways, I have some resentment and bitterness at not getting a plus 1 to her wedding, since most of our other friends have gotten one, even if they have only been dating someone for a few months. I'm dating people too, just no one that my friend has met.
Obviously I understand that weddings are expensive and they don't want some random guy they've never met at their wedding. I am fully aware that these feelings are destructive and pointless, and I don't want to let them get in the way of my friend's special day, even if going to a wedding alone can kind of suck.
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
I"ve known my friend since I was in preschool, and we grew up together. She's getting married in August and I'm playing music for her wedding ceremony, but I don't get to bring a date.
For context:
Since she came out as a lesbian and started dating her current fiancée, we haven't hung out much (which I totally understand- this always happens when people start a new relationship), and in other aspects of our lives, we don't actually have that much in common. But, we have gone to elementary, high school, and university together and have been very close at many points of our relationship, I think that now maybe she doesn't have the need for a close female friend at this point. Which I am okay with, since I live in another city and have my own friend group here.
Anyways, I have some resentment and bitterness at not getting a plus 1 to her wedding, since most of our other friends have gotten one, even if they have only been dating someone for a few months. I'm dating people too, just no one that my friend has met.
Obviously I understand that weddings are expensive and they don't want some random guy they've never met at their wedding. I am fully aware that these feelings are destructive and pointless, and I don't want to let them get in the way of my friend's special day, even if going to a wedding alone can kind of suck.
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
I'd talk to her; it may be a simple misunderstanding. "Oh, winterportage is playing the music, they won't want to bring someone anyway!"
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 8:23 PM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 8:23 PM on July 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Don't think of the plus 1 as a status marker of how close your friendship is, or how much the bride values you as a friend. It's also not about their imagining people having a bad time going solo to their wedding (in fact, as lifelong friends she's more likely to think you're OK coming solo, almost as a family member). It's just about whether they think there's a specific someone in your life at the moment whom you need to invite. With the cost factor involved, any theoretical "plus 1s" -- that is, those plus 1s invited just for the sake of inviting a date, not because they know you have a partner -- are financially prohibitive. Go, have fun!
posted by third rail at 8:24 PM on July 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by third rail at 8:24 PM on July 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah this is totally not a slight on you. This is an indication that she thinks you'll be comfortable being on your own among her most loved ones - that you are contributing to the ceremony speaks to this as well. You're more a cousin than a friend + whoever they want hanging on their arm. So go and get all the best dirt/baby pictures on your friend from her extended family and hang out with absolutely anybody you want with no need to take care that someone else is having a good time.
posted by Mizu at 8:29 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 8:29 PM on July 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm a pastor, and sometimes people think to invite my wife to the wedding and reception and sometimes they just invite me. I don't ever read too much into it. Just talk to her. It could easily be an oversight.
posted by 4ster at 8:33 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by 4ster at 8:33 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: just a small clarification, the invitation clearly says to RSVP '__ of 1 guest ' so it's obviously intentional. in case this makes a difference in your answers.
posted by winterportage at 8:40 PM on July 9, 2015
posted by winterportage at 8:40 PM on July 9, 2015
I'm going to go against the tide and say you have a right to be annoyed and offended. Especially since you are in the wedding. It's cheap and tacky. I don't think it's necessarily an intentional slight, but it's very inconsiderate.
Also I really don't get the oh she probably didn't think you'd want to bring a date thing. A +1 is never mandatory. That's why you RSVP with whether you're bringing a guest or not. The considerate thing to do would be to let you decide whether you wanted to bring a date and not.
However, it is what it is and in the scheme of things I'd just let it go. And hey now that you aren't bringing a guest you can spend half as much on the gift. I assume that's how it works. I didn't look it up in Emily Post or anything but I'd just go with it.
posted by whoaali at 8:40 PM on July 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
Also I really don't get the oh she probably didn't think you'd want to bring a date thing. A +1 is never mandatory. That's why you RSVP with whether you're bringing a guest or not. The considerate thing to do would be to let you decide whether you wanted to bring a date and not.
However, it is what it is and in the scheme of things I'd just let it go. And hey now that you aren't bringing a guest you can spend half as much on the gift. I assume that's how it works. I didn't look it up in Emily Post or anything but I'd just go with it.
posted by whoaali at 8:40 PM on July 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
She's probably really busy with her life. Also, weddings are expensive. You can't take these things personally. Also she might just need your help more than you think and doesn't think you should bring a date.
posted by discopolo at 8:49 PM on July 9, 2015
posted by discopolo at 8:49 PM on July 9, 2015
Best answer: It's rude. Guests should be treated like the hosts value their presence not like the guests are meat bags bearing gifts. Feed your guests well, lavish them with good booze and let them bring someone along to keep them company. If you can't afford at least that, have a smaller wedding for Christ's sake.
BUT... to answer your actual question, feel better by not taking it personally, and throwing yourself wholeheartedly into the music you are going to perform. As suggested above, wear something adorable, smile and shine. Oh, and one more thing... Cake! Yay!!!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:02 PM on July 9, 2015 [19 favorites]
BUT... to answer your actual question, feel better by not taking it personally, and throwing yourself wholeheartedly into the music you are going to perform. As suggested above, wear something adorable, smile and shine. Oh, and one more thing... Cake! Yay!!!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:02 PM on July 9, 2015 [19 favorites]
If it appears it was done purposefully, perhaps there's a reason. The only person I did not invite a plus one for at my own wedding was my maid of honor, who was my best friend, but I hated her boyfriend and under no circumstances was he coming to my wedding. Probably nothing that extreme in your case, but... you say you're dating "people"? Like, multiple people? Maybe she only gave plus ones to friends who had exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend status, rather than just casually dating around? I can see it from your side, i.e. "most other people are bringing a date so why can't I, a very good friend, bring whoever I want, too?" but from her perspective "winterportage is just casually dating around with multiple people, and my wedding is expensive so I'm only going to invite plus ones who are in committed relationships." Maybe? Just speculating. I know I'd be a little burned to pay an expensive per head price on someone you were really casually dating, who might not ever be seen or heard from again.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:15 PM on July 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
It sounds like (based on your previous question) as of a month ago you were dating three people extremely casually? Inviting a guest without their long-term SO or partner is rude, but I've never heard of +1s being mandatory if you don't know who the guest would bring. Cultural expectations are different for weddings everywhere, so maybe I'm off base, but this doesn't sound like a slight to me. Is it possible your sense of hurt has more to do with your friendship in general or not being partnered up?
posted by thetortoise at 9:17 PM on July 9, 2015 [42 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 9:17 PM on July 9, 2015 [42 favorites]
I've been to weddings where every one was allowed/expected to bring a date, and I've been to weddings where only people the bride and groom could name on the invitation were invited (ie, no "+1" necessarily, just "John Smith and Jane Doe"). I never considered the latter to be rude, but that's the culture I come from.
Feel your feelings, but from my outsider perspective maybe you are unconsciously feeling hurt over your friend pulling away, and this slight is bringing those feelings to the fore? Maybe if you address the other issues with her, you'll start to feel better about this one.
posted by muddgirl at 9:24 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Feel your feelings, but from my outsider perspective maybe you are unconsciously feeling hurt over your friend pulling away, and this slight is bringing those feelings to the fore? Maybe if you address the other issues with her, you'll start to feel better about this one.
posted by muddgirl at 9:24 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
You don't have a significant other in your life, and you're traveling from another city? She probably sort of automatically assumed you wouldn't be bringing a date, or didn't want to pay for some rando to come to her wedding. I mean, tacky as hell on her part, but I get why she may have done it.
So it's up to you if you want to put a smile on your face and go stag, or if you want to bow out gracefully.
posted by vignettist at 9:28 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
So it's up to you if you want to put a smile on your face and go stag, or if you want to bow out gracefully.
posted by vignettist at 9:28 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'd suggest you give yourself permission to really feel and tease out this disappointment and anger: what are all the emotions that flooded through you when you saw the invite? what do you want to say to her, or what would you want to vent to a friend? Really be honest with yourself about your reaction. Then, dig a little deeper: what's beneath the anger? Is it sadness about the loss of your old relationship with this friend? Is it embarrassment or defensiveness about being single, or jealousy of the relationships around you? Does not getting a plus-1 trigger memories of other times you've been given less than others? Is it resentment about doing something for a friend (playing music at the wedding) and not feeling appreciated? Maybe a combination of those or other underlying things?
My point is, you won't shake this by telling yourself not to feel it. Try to make room for your feelings without letting them dictate your next steps--acknowledge them without judging them "true" or "false." If you can make room for them, you may have an easier time deciding what to do next.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:41 PM on July 9, 2015 [14 favorites]
My point is, you won't shake this by telling yourself not to feel it. Try to make room for your feelings without letting them dictate your next steps--acknowledge them without judging them "true" or "false." If you can make room for them, you may have an easier time deciding what to do next.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:41 PM on July 9, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'll admit that I'm not really knowledgeable about "What Should Be Done"/etiquette, but, it sounds like you are more upset that it wasn't considered you might bring a date, not that you have a date you want to bring. Because of that distinction, I'm not inclined towards addressing it with her. I think you might want to consider further on why you feel this resentment, bitterness, and comparison to others over this.
posted by sm1tten at 9:44 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sm1tten at 9:44 PM on July 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Super not rude. Engaged couples are not required to invite random strangers to their wedding. If YOU don't even know who you might bring, then your expectation is ridiculous.
posted by bq at 9:49 PM on July 9, 2015 [46 favorites]
posted by bq at 9:49 PM on July 9, 2015 [46 favorites]
Does one of the people you are dating also play an instrument? Tell her you need that person to help play the beautiful songs you will be playing. Or just accept the fact that she thinks of you as either part of the family or the help. Hard to tell which.
posted by AugustWest at 10:06 PM on July 9, 2015
posted by AugustWest at 10:06 PM on July 9, 2015
I have to say I don't think she's in the wrong here. In my world +1s are only for committed couples, not "bring some stranger that I've never even met, to keep you company at my wedding, to the tune of $50 a plate." I just don't understand why you think she ought to do that and I think the idea that your invitation is second class is wrongheaded. Cast it away and have a great time at the wedding. Maybe you'll meet someone special there, you never know.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:36 PM on July 9, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:36 PM on July 9, 2015 [18 favorites]
Starting with the assumption that she asked you to travel to another city to play music in her wedding for free, I would suggest it's less rude of you to ask to bring a guest than it is for her to presume you don't/shouldn't have one.
Weddings aren't generally events where you spend much time with the bride and groom, you'll mostly be spending time with other guests. Will you know many of the attendees at this point? Will it aggravate your social anxiety if you end up seated with a handful of people that you barely know?
posted by Candleman at 11:53 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Weddings aren't generally events where you spend much time with the bride and groom, you'll mostly be spending time with other guests. Will you know many of the attendees at this point? Will it aggravate your social anxiety if you end up seated with a handful of people that you barely know?
posted by Candleman at 11:53 PM on July 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
If there's somebody that you want to bring, why not ask her? Politely, obviously, but if you're close friends she won't be offended.
If there's nobody you want to bring and you're just put out that you've got a "second class" invite, well that's just something for you to get used to. Every random our close friends brought to our wedding was one less peripheral family member we could invite (venue had a capacity limit, your friend may have a financial limit). This isn't a personal slight, it's the kind of balancing act you have to do when you're planning a wedding.
posted by tinkletown at 1:12 AM on July 10, 2015
If there's nobody you want to bring and you're just put out that you've got a "second class" invite, well that's just something for you to get used to. Every random our close friends brought to our wedding was one less peripheral family member we could invite (venue had a capacity limit, your friend may have a financial limit). This isn't a personal slight, it's the kind of balancing act you have to do when you're planning a wedding.
posted by tinkletown at 1:12 AM on July 10, 2015
I've never been to a wedding where invitations were issued to unspecified extra people. Perhaps you and your friend simply have different wedding traditions?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:56 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Don't ask if you can bring a plus one or if there was some mistake. But I think it's OK to write her and say, "Hi xx, (pleasantries, etc). I got my invitation and I see you'd like me to come stag. I know that friend 1 and friend 2 are bringing dates. Can you let me know who else is going stag so that I know who I'm going to pal around with during the reception? I'm really looking forward to the event!
Don't let even a hint of resentment in there, and hopefully she'll respond "Friend 3 and friend 4 are going stag, along with some of fiancee's friends. You guys will all be at a table together. :-) Have fun!"
posted by tk at 4:25 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't let even a hint of resentment in there, and hopefully she'll respond "Friend 3 and friend 4 are going stag, along with some of fiancee's friends. You guys will all be at a table together. :-) Have fun!"
posted by tk at 4:25 AM on July 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is totally normal and not a slight. The more people at a wedding, the more expensive it is. Many people can't afford/don't want to feed/liquor a bunch of randos on their special day. It can suck if you don't know anybody else at the wedding but you'll have friends there. Don't make a fuss - it will only stress the brides out and make them feel bad.
posted by Jess the Mess at 4:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Jess the Mess at 4:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my circles it would be really unusual for an unspecified date to be invited. Either you get invited with a specific person you're known to be in a couple with, or you get invited on your own and hang out with all your other old friends. If I knew someone who was "dating people" it would not occur to me that they should get a plus one.
But then I'd rather not bring a plus one to a wedding anyway, unless they knew lots of the other guests, for fear they'd feel all wallflower and I'd have to spend the time with +1 instead of with old friends I haven't seen for a while.
posted by emilyw at 4:41 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
But then I'd rather not bring a plus one to a wedding anyway, unless they knew lots of the other guests, for fear they'd feel all wallflower and I'd have to spend the time with +1 instead of with old friends I haven't seen for a while.
posted by emilyw at 4:41 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't think you need to treat this as a slight. I think it's very different (as the host) to invite people you've met (an invitation to two known people), vs. asking someone to invite someone you don't know (the random +1 invitation).
I have, however, requested a +1, once, when I was a bridesmaid in a very good friend's wedding (we lived in different cities) because as the wedding got closer I realized the guy I was dating was Life Partner material and would not be going anywhere any time soon. When I asked the bride, she said she had made her decision to not invite him based on the fact that we were not "facebook official"* and she invited him. And it was all a great success.
* She has a much rigid idea of the "relationship escalator" than I do, I think, but she's good people!
posted by mskyle at 4:57 AM on July 10, 2015
I have, however, requested a +1, once, when I was a bridesmaid in a very good friend's wedding (we lived in different cities) because as the wedding got closer I realized the guy I was dating was Life Partner material and would not be going anywhere any time soon. When I asked the bride, she said she had made her decision to not invite him based on the fact that we were not "facebook official"* and she invited him. And it was all a great success.
* She has a much rigid idea of the "relationship escalator" than I do, I think, but she's good people!
posted by mskyle at 4:57 AM on July 10, 2015
"Don't ask if you can bring a plus one or if there was some mistake. But I think it's OK to write her and say, "Hi xx, (pleasantries, etc). I got my invitation and I see you'd like me to come stag. I know that friend 1 and friend 2 are bringing dates. Can you let me know who else is going stag so that I know who I'm going to pal around with during the reception? I'm really looking forward to the event!Y'alls miles may vary, but were I to receive this formula, it would read to me as just dripping with a bubbling resentment that I would then feel obliged to handle carefully in a way that would distract me from my wedding.
Don't let even a hint of resentment in there, and hopefully she'll respond "Friend 3 and friend 4 are going stag, along with some of fiancee's friends. You guys will all be at a table together. :-) Have fun!""
Going to a wedding is neither a date event nor a singles event, but an opportunity to witness and celebrate someone else's relationship. Your expectations read to me as being out of whack with at least this internet stranger's cultural expectations.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:25 AM on July 10, 2015 [19 favorites]
Look, it is not about you. People spend enough on weddings for a fucking down payment on a house or outright buying a nice car! At the point in their life when they are supposed to be settling down and becoming more grown up! That is crazy! And every person even remotely in their life feels hurt if they aren't invited and treated specially, including lots of people they've barely met or don't really like. And "getting married" isn't even the important part, it's the whole rest of of "being married" that matters.
Let it go. You can feel hurt (you can feel whatever you want), but go to the wedding, have fun, wish the couple good luck, and keep your mouth zipped about +1s.
posted by anaelith at 5:28 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Let it go. You can feel hurt (you can feel whatever you want), but go to the wedding, have fun, wish the couple good luck, and keep your mouth zipped about +1s.
posted by anaelith at 5:28 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thx for the answers. Just one last clarification: What I'm really looking for is the "How to feel better about it" part, not placing blame or discussing who is right and who is wrong.
Obviously I understand that weddings are expensive and they don't want some random guy they've never met at their wedding. I am fully aware that these feelings are destructive and pointless, and I don't want to let them get in the way of my friend's special day, even if going to a wedding alone can kind of suck.
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
Thanks
posted by winterportage at 5:56 AM on July 10, 2015
Obviously I understand that weddings are expensive and they don't want some random guy they've never met at their wedding. I am fully aware that these feelings are destructive and pointless, and I don't want to let them get in the way of my friend's special day, even if going to a wedding alone can kind of suck.
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
Thanks
posted by winterportage at 5:56 AM on July 10, 2015
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
Remember that 1) it was probably not intended as a slight; 2) loads of people go to weddings without a date and have tons of fun; 3) this is why they play Single Ladies at every wedding; 4) you won't have to be responsible for your date's funtimes, only your own.
posted by mskyle at 5:59 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Remember that 1) it was probably not intended as a slight; 2) loads of people go to weddings without a date and have tons of fun; 3) this is why they play Single Ladies at every wedding; 4) you won't have to be responsible for your date's funtimes, only your own.
posted by mskyle at 5:59 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
This sounds like a product of the overall degradation of manners in society today. The polite thing to do is to "plus 1" any single invitees to a wedding. But as weddings have gotten more expensive, politeness has been replaced by manoevering the guest list to get the maximum number of friends and loved ones in without spending more than necessary. So it's rude, but sadly common these days.
I would focus on the fact that it's very likely she didn't mean to make you feel less than any of your other mutual friends, that if she knew you were hurt she'd probably feel terrible, and that you will still have a great time. So go and have fun, but remember how you feel now if you ever fill out your own wedding invitations!
posted by cecic at 6:02 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would focus on the fact that it's very likely she didn't mean to make you feel less than any of your other mutual friends, that if she knew you were hurt she'd probably feel terrible, and that you will still have a great time. So go and have fun, but remember how you feel now if you ever fill out your own wedding invitations!
posted by cecic at 6:02 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
How can I just feel positive about this instead of feeling slighted?
I would shop. I would shop like the devil owes me money. I would get the cutest clothes. The nicest haircut. Maybe get something plucked or waxed. Get my nails done, maybe a little teeth whitening.
I would make a PLAN to be the cutest thing ever and dive into my own enjoyment of, what is mostly, a giant expensive party.
posted by French Fry at 6:24 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would shop. I would shop like the devil owes me money. I would get the cutest clothes. The nicest haircut. Maybe get something plucked or waxed. Get my nails done, maybe a little teeth whitening.
I would make a PLAN to be the cutest thing ever and dive into my own enjoyment of, what is mostly, a giant expensive party.
posted by French Fry at 6:24 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
This sounds like a product of the overall degradation of manners in society today. The polite thing to do is to "plus 1" any single invitees to a wedding.
Cite, please? Because honestly, all of the formal etiquette books (about Western/American/British culture) I've consulted (and I've read a lot of them, because it's sort of a hobby of mine) on this issue agree that all invitations should be addressed to specific people. "And Guest" isn't a thing in formal etiquette. If your friend has a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you don't know her/his name, etiquette demands that you (or really, your mother, since traditionally, she'd be the one handling the invitations) call and ask her/his name so that s/he can be issued her/his own invitation. "And guest" or "plus one" are actually degradations of traditional manners, because they say that the invitation issuer couldn't be bothered to take the time to phone you to find out the name of your partner.
All this is to say that perhaps one reason to stop thinking of it as a slight is to realize that, unless you have some other very compelling evidence that your friend who invited you to be in her wedding is trying to hurt your feelings, all available evidence suggests that she is merely following the rules of polite society as she understands them. And in our multicultural society, there are many different understandings of how to be polite and what is required of us. She perhaps just has a different understanding than you do about how these things ought to be done. She's trying her best to throw a big party for everyone she knows, and some source she consulted told her how to do things, and so she did. That's not a slight.
And it's not that she's right and you're wrong, or vice versa. It's that there really isn't any one way that things are done anymore. If we lived in Victorian England, there would be definitive sources we could consult to determine what's polite. That doesn't really exist anymore, because culture is so much bigger and more varied than in one specific time and place you could write a book of rules about.
posted by decathecting at 6:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Cite, please? Because honestly, all of the formal etiquette books (about Western/American/British culture) I've consulted (and I've read a lot of them, because it's sort of a hobby of mine) on this issue agree that all invitations should be addressed to specific people. "And Guest" isn't a thing in formal etiquette. If your friend has a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you don't know her/his name, etiquette demands that you (or really, your mother, since traditionally, she'd be the one handling the invitations) call and ask her/his name so that s/he can be issued her/his own invitation. "And guest" or "plus one" are actually degradations of traditional manners, because they say that the invitation issuer couldn't be bothered to take the time to phone you to find out the name of your partner.
All this is to say that perhaps one reason to stop thinking of it as a slight is to realize that, unless you have some other very compelling evidence that your friend who invited you to be in her wedding is trying to hurt your feelings, all available evidence suggests that she is merely following the rules of polite society as she understands them. And in our multicultural society, there are many different understandings of how to be polite and what is required of us. She perhaps just has a different understanding than you do about how these things ought to be done. She's trying her best to throw a big party for everyone she knows, and some source she consulted told her how to do things, and so she did. That's not a slight.
And it's not that she's right and you're wrong, or vice versa. It's that there really isn't any one way that things are done anymore. If we lived in Victorian England, there would be definitive sources we could consult to determine what's polite. That doesn't really exist anymore, because culture is so much bigger and more varied than in one specific time and place you could write a book of rules about.
posted by decathecting at 6:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Seems to me like the opposite of feeling slighted is gratitude. So perhaps you could work on cultivating gratitude. A friendship that has lasted since childhood is a rare and valuable thing, and just gets more valuable as the years pass, believe me. You could spend the time leading up to the wedding in making a gift that draws together your many years of memories to this new stage in your friend's life. Even if that's too ambitious, just putting together some old photographs and writing a card could be rewarding; finding the right heartfelt words for your wishes for your friend and her new bride can put you in the spirit of celebration and joy. Offer to help, to whatever extent you can around the music, with any little errands left for the wedding preparations (ask the bridal party if your friend seems too overwhelmed). The more you feel connected to this event and to your friend, the better you'll feel. But for that connection to mean anything, you must seek it yourself.
posted by thetortoise at 6:46 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 6:46 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
The invitations were rude; not because you didn't get a plus 1 but because your friend gave other people invitations with the words "one guest" on them. If there were specific people your friend wanted at her wedding (or wanted her friends to bring) she should have given them their own invitations with their own names on them, not created a 2-tier list of guests.
And it does seem like, especially if you are contributing by playing music, you naturally want to be treated as an important person like everyone else who got "better" invitations. Plus if you haven't been spending as much time with your friend as you used to, and if you feel "not needed", that sucks too.
In terms of feeling good, if your friend is generally a nice person except for this one faux pas, why not see if you can get one-on-one lunch or tea with her before the wedding? Not to hash out the invitation thing, but to have some happy friend time.
Otherwise, get something pretty, pump yourself up, and have a good time at the wedding. Play your music and then focus on amusing yourself, eating some cake, and perhaps watching other people's dates behave horribly.
posted by Hypatia at 6:47 AM on July 10, 2015
And it does seem like, especially if you are contributing by playing music, you naturally want to be treated as an important person like everyone else who got "better" invitations. Plus if you haven't been spending as much time with your friend as you used to, and if you feel "not needed", that sucks too.
In terms of feeling good, if your friend is generally a nice person except for this one faux pas, why not see if you can get one-on-one lunch or tea with her before the wedding? Not to hash out the invitation thing, but to have some happy friend time.
Otherwise, get something pretty, pump yourself up, and have a good time at the wedding. Play your music and then focus on amusing yourself, eating some cake, and perhaps watching other people's dates behave horribly.
posted by Hypatia at 6:47 AM on July 10, 2015
How can you feel better about it? Investigate your feelings. You're never unhappy for the reason you think you are. Maybe you're feeling a bit unhappy that you're not partnered up. Who knows. If it were me, I would drop this yesterday. It's not that big of a deal in my view and my best advice would to enjoy the wedding, enjoy the moment, and try to stop the story that's going on in your head about how this was a slight. It's only a slight if you think it is.
posted by Fairchild at 7:56 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by Fairchild at 7:56 AM on July 10, 2015
As other people have noted, weddings can be extremely expensive and couples sometimes have to make decisions about who they invite and under what circumstances. Just to make an example: when Mrs. slkinsey and I planned our wedding invitations, there was a whole second round of invitations we knew we could only afford to extend after having received regrets from people in the first round of invitations. I mention this because it's worth understanding that every "stranger" who attends the wedding means that there may be a friend they cannot invite. Others have suggested the couple should just have a smaller wedding if this is the case, and that's all good and well. But it might mean you wouldn't have been invited at all -- especially if you aren't that close right now and don't have much in common. Regardless, that's water under the bridge now.
So, what do to in polite society? Generally speaking, is it is de rigueur to include an invitee's relationship partner in the invitation regardless of the length of the relationship. This is not the same as inviting everyone to bring a date, however. It can be nice to do that, if you have the space and money, but I don't think it's necessary. Effectively, if your friend is Claudia Hepplewaighte and her partner is Cedric Schmengelthorper, it would be impolite to invite Claudia without also inviting Cedric. It is not, however, impolite to extend a single-person invitation to your friend MacDaniel Bigglesmythe who is not in a relationship.
In your OP you say that friends who are in relationships were extended a +1 invitation. The length of these relationships doesn't figure, so long as they are long enough to be relationships, and "a few months" certainly qualifies. You, on the other hand, say that you are "dating people too" not that you're "dating someone too." This suggests that you're not in a relationship. As a single person, I don't think it's impolite for you to get an invitation that doesn't include a +1. Also, considering that you live in another city and that your friend has no reason to think you're in a relationship, it seems possible that it simply didn't occur to her that you might want to go to the trouble and expense of bringing someone to her wedding who wouldn't know anyone else there.
posted by slkinsey at 8:06 AM on July 10, 2015
So, what do to in polite society? Generally speaking, is it is de rigueur to include an invitee's relationship partner in the invitation regardless of the length of the relationship. This is not the same as inviting everyone to bring a date, however. It can be nice to do that, if you have the space and money, but I don't think it's necessary. Effectively, if your friend is Claudia Hepplewaighte and her partner is Cedric Schmengelthorper, it would be impolite to invite Claudia without also inviting Cedric. It is not, however, impolite to extend a single-person invitation to your friend MacDaniel Bigglesmythe who is not in a relationship.
In your OP you say that friends who are in relationships were extended a +1 invitation. The length of these relationships doesn't figure, so long as they are long enough to be relationships, and "a few months" certainly qualifies. You, on the other hand, say that you are "dating people too" not that you're "dating someone too." This suggests that you're not in a relationship. As a single person, I don't think it's impolite for you to get an invitation that doesn't include a +1. Also, considering that you live in another city and that your friend has no reason to think you're in a relationship, it seems possible that it simply didn't occur to her that you might want to go to the trouble and expense of bringing someone to her wedding who wouldn't know anyone else there.
posted by slkinsey at 8:06 AM on July 10, 2015
I don't know about conventional etiquette for these things because I'm not from the sort of class background that ever had the sort of weddings that had those etiquette guides, you know? But for me, aside from the cost of the +1, the first thing I thought was--you're not really dating anybody in particular, which I'm guessing means that any potential date wouldn't know anybody else there. I've been to a number of weddings where people involved in the music were seated in the front off to the side, so that they weren't going to be getting up and down in the middle of the congregation during the service. That's fine if your +1 is a partner/spouse who actually knows the people getting married. Making someone you even sorta like sit through a total stranger's wedding by themselves would be pretty awful. Yeah, you're thinking about the whole reception afterwards bit, but the point of inviting people to the wedding is, to me, that they're invited to see you get married. I could see "people participating in the service" getting held to a slightly different standard. Like, beforehand, are you warming up, or are you socializing with your guest? You're doing an incredibly nice thing by providing music, but the thing about how nice a gift that is is that you've basically volunteered to work part of the day. If you're taking that seriously, and I see no reason to assume you wouldn't be, then you might well find that this wouldn't be the best possible occasion to bring a date who didn't have any other connection to people who'd be there that they could sit with.
But that's based on my experience of how that works at weddings and I expect mileage could vary in pretty big ways depending on the logistics of how the wedding's going to go, so if this applies then great, I'm not saying it necessarily will.
posted by Sequence at 10:01 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
But that's based on my experience of how that works at weddings and I expect mileage could vary in pretty big ways depending on the logistics of how the wedding's going to go, so if this applies then great, I'm not saying it necessarily will.
posted by Sequence at 10:01 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like Sequence's take on it. At the weddings I've been to where I was part of the "crew" in some way, I felt so bad about ditching my husband. It was so boring for him. I would feel worse about ditching someone I was dating casually. One solution would be to have your date skip the ceremony and come to the reception only, but that wouldn't be very respectful of the bride and groom.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:41 PM on July 10, 2015
posted by keep it under cover at 12:41 PM on July 10, 2015
Thirding Sequence. I was just in a similar position this weekend - a plus one to a wedding photographer who was kind of friends with the bride. I was terrified of the whole experience going in, and felt really awkward about being a "plus one" of someone working the wedding of someone I didn't know. However we've been together for five years, and there were plenty of other mitigating circumstances directly toward my comfort, but if I was one of the "people" someone was dating for a few weeks or months "lucky" enough to be brought along on something like that I would have made it a point to never date that person again.
posted by deathmaven at 1:17 PM on July 10, 2015
posted by deathmaven at 1:17 PM on July 10, 2015
My advice: Make weddings lower-stakes affairs for yourself. Think of it like absolutely any other happy party where you're going by yourself. At the very least, the conflicting opinions you've gotten here can assure you that it's entirely possible that even though some people think it's tacky, the bride thought she was simply following normal procedure, which is (for some people) that you don't have to give plus-ones for people who don't have a significant other. (I say this as someone who's attended weddings alone and feels you on some of the weirdness of it.)
So you can't know it's personal, meaning the only logical move is to assume it's not personal. Weddings are milestones for the people who are in them. They don't have to be milestones for you. Put on your nice clothes, play music, smile, and go home. Don't let other people's markers -- their little flags that they plant in the ground that show you where they are -- become stock-taking opportunities that you assume say something about where you are. It's a party; treat it like a party. Go to it, and then come home from it.
One other thing: I recently talked to a pretty reasonably down-to-earth friend who looked into a wedding venue where the only approved caterer quoted them almost $500 a person just for food and booze. For real. That's before flowers, before the hall, before the music, before the officiant, before the clothes. Never forget when you consider questions of wedding etiquette that otherwise normal people feel forced into really ugly decisions because the racket is outrageous. I mean, the racket. Is. Outrageous. Your hypothetical plus-one would have cost my friends 500 bucks. (They are not, obviously, having their wedding there, but still.) Would you pay $500 for the opportunity to take a random date to a wedding? I wouldn't. So I wouldn't necessarily expect them to either, you know? Keep in mind that for all the "if you can't afford it, have a smaller wedding or a cancel something" comments, these finances become genuinely, truly difficult for people whose families are attached to a certain idea of having a wedding, who already have to make really tough choices about who to invite. Don't let the lace-doily-industrial complex interfere with your friendships.
Again: lower stakes. Weddings are kinda bullshit except for the wedding part, the joining part, the love part. The party part is really, stupidly, fundamentally kinda bullshit. Let yourself and your friend off the hook and treat it like the big goofy spectacle it is, and don't give it power over your feelings.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:21 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
So you can't know it's personal, meaning the only logical move is to assume it's not personal. Weddings are milestones for the people who are in them. They don't have to be milestones for you. Put on your nice clothes, play music, smile, and go home. Don't let other people's markers -- their little flags that they plant in the ground that show you where they are -- become stock-taking opportunities that you assume say something about where you are. It's a party; treat it like a party. Go to it, and then come home from it.
One other thing: I recently talked to a pretty reasonably down-to-earth friend who looked into a wedding venue where the only approved caterer quoted them almost $500 a person just for food and booze. For real. That's before flowers, before the hall, before the music, before the officiant, before the clothes. Never forget when you consider questions of wedding etiquette that otherwise normal people feel forced into really ugly decisions because the racket is outrageous. I mean, the racket. Is. Outrageous. Your hypothetical plus-one would have cost my friends 500 bucks. (They are not, obviously, having their wedding there, but still.) Would you pay $500 for the opportunity to take a random date to a wedding? I wouldn't. So I wouldn't necessarily expect them to either, you know? Keep in mind that for all the "if you can't afford it, have a smaller wedding or a cancel something" comments, these finances become genuinely, truly difficult for people whose families are attached to a certain idea of having a wedding, who already have to make really tough choices about who to invite. Don't let the lace-doily-industrial complex interfere with your friendships.
Again: lower stakes. Weddings are kinda bullshit except for the wedding part, the joining part, the love part. The party part is really, stupidly, fundamentally kinda bullshit. Let yourself and your friend off the hook and treat it like the big goofy spectacle it is, and don't give it power over your feelings.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:21 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am putting together my wedding invites list. The ONLY people who are getting plus ones are people who are in established relationships, or in the case of people who are dating someone casually/only for a few months, only if they are dating someone I like. Why? Because I'm not shelling out $_ so that my friend can drag their rando fuck pal o' the month that I don't like to my wedding. My close family members who are single (as in not married/living with someone) are also not getting plus ones, and they get it because they know how expensive shit is. My bro has been told that if he gets back with his recent ex he will not get a plus one, but if the relationship he's pursuing with someone that I know and am friends with, he will get one. My one friend is likely to throw a fit because she thinks every guy she meets is THE ONE so I gave her a plus one. My other friend is the queen of dragging randoms to weddings and treating a wedding date as a chance to force a guy she barely knows to dress up fancy and be extra chivalrous. SHE GETS NO PLUS ONE, and she fucking KNOWS it, and she is one of my bridesmaids. So. Maybe that will help your understanding of the "who gets a plus one" situation.
posted by SassHat at 2:43 PM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SassHat at 2:43 PM on July 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am putting together my wedding invites list. The ONLY people who are getting plus ones are people who are in established relationships, or in the case of people who are dating someone casually/only for a few months, only if they are dating someone I like. Why? Because I'm not shelling out $_ so that my friend can drag their rando fuck pal o' the month that I don't like to my wedding. My close family members who are single (as in not married/living with someone) are also not getting plus ones, and they get it because they know how expensive shit is. My bro has been told that if he gets back with his recent ex he will not get a plus one, but if the relationship he's pursuing with someone that I know and am friends with, he will get one. My one friend is likely to throw a fit because she thinks every guy she meets is THE ONE so I gave her a plus one. My other friend is the queen of dragging randoms to weddings and treating a wedding date as a chance to force a guy she barely knows to dress up fancy and be extra chivalrous. SHE GETS NO PLUS ONE, and she fucking KNOWS it, and she is one of my bridesmaids. So. Maybe that will help your understanding of the "who gets a plus one" situation.
This. This is why you should look absolutely no further into the mater and just go and do lovely music, have cake and then go on with your life. Few friendships could withstand that kind of brutal revelation.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:26 PM on July 14, 2015
This. This is why you should look absolutely no further into the mater and just go and do lovely music, have cake and then go on with your life. Few friendships could withstand that kind of brutal revelation.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:26 PM on July 14, 2015
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