A look of mild panic exit strategies

July 7, 2015 1:42 PM

Inspired by this, I'd love some advice about how to exit* from unpleasant or unpromising dates.

For background, I'm a middle-aged woman dating middle-aged men through OKC. I tend toward picking coffeeshops for first dates.

I'm generally self-assured and have no problem standing up for myself but something about a first date drains me of that. So what do you do when you are on a date and it is very clear that you are not a good match? How do you end the conversation and go on your way? Do you tell the other person that you are not interested in a second date on the spot? Do you wait until they ask you out again? What is your threshold for putting up with mansplaining or other such behavior?

I'd love any scripts or advice to help me feel less trapped while I watch a mansplainer oh-so-slowly drink his coffee.

*I initially wrote "gracefully exit" but realized that the need to be "graceful" and avoid disappointing anyone, especially a man! on a date! with me!, is the heart of the issue.

posted by mcduff to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Best answer: When there is a lull in conversation, or after interrupting your date if he is rambling on about nothing with no signs of stopping: "[This has been nice, but] I don't think we're a good match and this isn't really what I'm looking for. I'm going to head out now. [Have a good afternoon!]"

Make sure you've already paid for your coffee/pastry, and/or have cash on hand you can leave on the table as you walk away.

*In Case of Assholes, omit the bracketed text. I'd leave these phrases in for guys that are nice but just not a good match.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:49 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I've had to jettison a few really terrible dates in the past, and here's what I said:

"Hey, I'm going to head out. It has been lovely meeting you, and I really hope you enjoy the rest of your night."

And that's it. Then go.

If there are questions about why or a protest, you can just say that you don't want to waste their time, and reiterate that it was great to meet them and leave. It's polite, not mean, and doesn't say anything negative about them.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:50 PM on July 7, 2015 [39 favorites]

yellowcandy's response times 1000. If I'm the guy in that disaster, you aren't going to hurt my feelings more by staying longer. Get it over with. Nothing bad is being said, just get out.

The longer you stay the more likely the misguided soul at the other end of the table is going to misunderstand or misinterpret your interest.
posted by blob at 1:54 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

I like yellowcandy's script, if you feel like you can just leave without an excuse.

If you feel like you need the excuse, though, you can also set an alarm on your phone to ring partway through your date. If date is going well, "Oh, hey, sorry about that." If date is going badly, "Sorry, pet/car/family emergency, lovely meeting you but I have to go!"

It is not worth telling them you're not interested in a second date on the spot. If they are the sort to whine and push your boundaries, better they do it over OKCupid mail or email than in person.

ALSO, even once they've passed the first date, don't plan any second dates for anywhere too secluded. And do not get on a ferry to go to an island with them. Ferries are asking for a long awkward date from which there is no rescue because the mthrfckng ferry doesn't leave for another two hours.
posted by pie ninja at 1:56 PM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

What is your threshold for putting up with mansplaining or other such behavior?

I don't put up with it at all. I am very direct about it. I've known a handful of guys (dates and friends) who have actually turned out to be pretty ok people with bad habits, and in those cases it's been helpful to call the shit out immediately, damn their bruised egos, and explain why it makes them sound like asses. This is a good thing to do if the guy otherwise seems like he might have redeeming qualities. If you're middle aged and dating middle aged men, they may be past the point of fixability, but younger dudes can sometimes be saved. (Just look around metafilter for stories from guys lamenting what jerks they were in their 20s.)

For dudes who just straight up suck, call it out but in a much less friendly way.

Key phrases:
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"You want to try that sentence again?"
"Do you have any idea how patronizing you sound?"
"You know that admitting you're wrong won't actually make your penis fall off, right?"
"I KNOW, bitches are SO crazy, right?! Like how crazy would it be if I just stood up right now and left you sitting here with that dumb look on your face? HA HA I AM SUCH A CRAZY BITCH." [exit]
posted by phunniemee at 2:09 PM on July 7, 2015 [34 favorites]

Similar to "Girl has a look of mild panic," I have had someone tell me that as a quasi-writer I ought to write about him. I, middle-aged woman who has dated a variety of guys for a couple years now, said, "That reminds me. I'd rather be reading. Have a good night."
posted by cocoagirl at 2:11 PM on July 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: My rule of thumb is to always go to the restroom before leaving. It creates a natural break in the flow that then allows for a complete redirection- you can come back and say, "you know what, I have to get up early and I'm getting tired, so lovely to meet you, k thanks byeeeee" and it will feel less like a rejection because you already broke the spell by leaving the room. This trick makes it much easier to leave a party as well, or any event, and works whether you're enjoying yourself or not.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:15 PM on July 7, 2015 [72 favorites]

The creepiest guy I went out with (twice!!) said something truly abhorrent to me. I knew he had daughters so I looked at him, zeroed out all emotion, and said, "I want you to imagine a grown man saying that to your daughter. Don't contact me again."
posted by cocoagirl at 2:16 PM on July 7, 2015 [22 favorites]

My go-to interjection is:

"Hey, I can tell we aren't a good match and I don't want to waste your time or mine by pretending otherwise. Thanks for ____. I wish you luck in your search!"

Works for the nice people and the assholes, too. Another thing I've done at the advent of something really offensive happening is go, "Hey, that's offensive and a deal breaker for me. I'm gonna go. Good luck with your search."

Granted the main time I've used that was when a guy told me he hated all things Disney and I was standing there with a Disney shirt on and a Minnie Mouse pin on my purse but you know I think it's still effective.
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:17 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

This middle aged woman has a close-to-zero tolerance for mansplaining. Ain't nobody got time for that. First offense, they get a very obvious raised eyebrow with an opportunity to backpedal/rephrase. Second offense gets a "would you like to try that again?" Third offense gets a "Wow, it's clear we're not a match. Have a nice night." If it's really heinous, "Have a nice life" works too.

For dates where the chemistry isn't there but he's perfectly nice, I'll excuse myself to use the restroom, and when I get back, act like I had no idea the time had slipped away. "Wow, I need to get going, gotta walk the dog/run errands before it gets dark/whatever." Once someone gets up, it's like snapping away magnets. The spell is broken. Use it to your advantage.
posted by juniperesque at 2:19 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

I set up a real life text message checkin with a friend. If all is okay then I just ignore, if not I make an excuse, like, "oh my friend is trapped at blah blah work and asked me to go walk her dog."

I find it easier than saying BYE NOT INTERESTED. YMMV.
posted by Medieval Maven at 2:20 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

More than half of the women I dated once upon a time after meeting them online (>5 years ago on match.com, not OKC) had somebody call mid-date, or had an alarm set, or something like that. It was always clear to me what was happening and why (it usually came about 30-45 minutes in), but I never found it off-putting. In fact, I always respected people who assumed I was an ax murderer. Some women were even up-front about it, e.g. "that was my friend making sure I was still alive." I imagine most guys will have a sense of humor about it. Some might not, in which case that will probably tell you something.

You can always schedule your dates in front of an actual appointment so that you have an easy and genuine excuse to leave. If you like each other, you will probably know quickly and can make a follow-up date. If not, you can always leave the person nursing their coffee because, "I really need to get going. It's been nice meeting you." Or schedule a coffee date during working hours so you can always say, "I need to get back to work." Or, if you have an animal, "I have to feed my [cat, dog, goldfish, parrot, tarantula, boa constrictor, marmot, llama, etc.]"
posted by tempestuoso at 2:53 PM on July 7, 2015 [10 favorites]

"[This has been nice, but] I don't think we're a good match and this isn't really what I'm looking for. I'm going to head out now. [Have a good afternoon!]"

For what it's worth, someone used this on me once (with brackets, plus "thank you for giving it a chance, though, I appreciate that" as if I was the one doing her a favor). It works really well, because, fair enough. Can't really be mad about that.

Saves me the trouble of struggling to keep up the conversation and interest in someone who just isn't into it.
posted by ctmf at 2:54 PM on July 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

Unless your date gives you reason to believe that he or she is someone who might pose a physical threat to you, don't pretend you suddenly got an emergency text and don't lie and don't leave while your date is in the bathroom. Just say it was interesting meeting the person but you need to be going. If it's someone who is a decent person who just doesn't interest you and they try to press for a future date or ask why you're not interested, you can say why in some tactful way, i.e., you don't think the two of you are suited, you don't feel there's any chemistry, etc. If they press for a reason and have behaved in a way that's actually offensive, you can name that behaviour as your reason, i.e., "You made racist or misogynist comments/refused to let me get a word in edgewise for the last hour/argued with everything I said and that's a dealbreaker for me."
posted by orange swan at 4:13 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Make arrangements for a friend to actually text you. There was a period a couple years ago when one of my friends had a few awful dates with guys from okc in a row. My boat capsized during two of the dates...and I don't even have a boat.

If it's just plain awful, never going to work and you want to cram lobster forks in your eyes...just stand up and say, "I'm done" and leave. Seriously, you don't have to spend time with assholes or even be in the same location with them.

It depends on your comfort level. If you need someone to help then use the bullshit text. If you can be more direct say you're done. My friend isn't very good at exiting these situations and needs the text to work from even if she knows the text is a bullshit statement. I don't need the text excuse because if the date isn't going well then I'll be spending 0% of my time with this person anyhow.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:28 PM on July 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I usually try to schedule first dates as open-ended/multi-activity things. E.g. I'll suggest a pint, maybe dinner after. Gives a nice solid break where anyone can easily bail. "Hey thanks for the drink, really nice meeting you, I have to get going though."

Egregious misogynistic/racist/transphobic bullshit (endemic among cis gay men), though, I've flat-out said "that's gross, see you later." My threshold for that is zero.

It sounds, though, like the convenient excuse is likely to be most effective for you. So have a friend text or fake one. Sure, upfront and direct is probably more likely to have an effect on the idiot sitting across from you, and if that's not where you're comfortable, probably best to stick with what you know you can do. I feel like perhaps it really depends on the reason you're not clicking. If it's general boringness, maybe best to go with "hey thanks for taking the time to meet me, I'm not really feeling it, good luck!" and save the escape hatch strategies when it's grotesque behaviour. (Then again I've stayed on some really awful first dates just because they were entertaining in a slo-mo trainwreck way.)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:00 PM on July 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

Unless your date gives you reason to believe that he or she is someone who might pose a physical threat to you, don't pretend you suddenly got an emergency text and don't lie and don't leave while your date is in the bathroom.

I've had people who seemed perfectly normal lash out in startling and scary ways on being rejected. pretending you got an emergency text is perfectly innocuous; I don't see that it's at all comparable to leaving while the date is in the restroom.
posted by winna at 5:31 PM on July 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

I do my best to schedule first dates for lunch during a workday. I go for an Indian buffet so we can get food the second we arrive and I don't have to wait around for a bill. If it comes down to it, I can eat and "I'd better get back to work now" and pay in under 20 minutes, and that's time I'd need to spend eating lunch anyway, so even if they're not for me then the time still wasn't wasted.
posted by metasarah at 12:56 PM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]