Responses to the Silent Treatment?
July 3, 2015 7:16 AM Subscribe
My sibling has been giving me various versions of the Silent Treatment for years but I didn't realize that's what it was until recently.
Just before realizing there was such a thing as the Silent Treatment, I wrote to my sibling to confirm that their email address was working because they hadn't replied to any emails in the past two years. I used the subject-line 'news' hoping that would encourage a response. It did, but only to say that they were unable to pursue a conversation at that time. Months went past. I sent birthday greetings to sibling, holiday presents etc. Silence.
So I sent another email two months ago to ask why they have not been responding to my (past) emails, or wishing me happy birthday, or responding to questions about presents for their kids, etc. I expressed hurt and confusion for the length of time they are out of contact. No response.
Since realizing that there was such a thing as the Silent Treatment, I wrote to them again apologising to them for any hurt or wrong doing on my behalf that may have caused them to cease contact. I asked them to explain what I may have done so I could make amends. No response.
We live in different states and only see each other yearly when I visit their town to see other relatives. Sibling never invites me to stay, but does invite me to dinner one night to hang out with their kids (I don't have kids myself). Sibling appears friendly and jokey on these visits but then silence again. Sibling has not visited me in decades. If I phone, sibling lets the message go to answer machine (I leave a message but they don't call back), or if they accidentally pick up without checking the number, they respond brusquely and express an inability to have a conversation at that time.
Until I read about the Silent Treatment, I felt that I must have done something awful to make them go silent. But, as we haven't really spent any time together in decades, I can't think what that can be. I've been a consistent aunt/uncle to their kids (pressies and letters and handing over some grandparent items etc) but until the kids became old enough to write thank yous on their own initiative, I received no feedback on these gestures.
This break in our sibling relationship has really caused me some anguish. As the older sibling, I have very fond memories of my little sibling and the things we did together. However, since reading (admittedly, only via google) about the various aspects of silent treatments (reasons, rationales etc) I have found some strength. Maybe it's not my fault after all!
Compounding the issue is our remaining elderly parent that lives in sibling's town. Parent has recently (within the past 3 yrs) changed their will to heavily favor sibling. Parent will probably pass in the next 2-5 years. I hate to think the will change and the silence are connected because it puts my sibling in a bad light. But maybe I have been wearing rose colored glasses about younger sibling and not seeing their real character? I'd hate that to be true because I have always admired sibling, even asking them for advice in the past. I have asked parent if they know of any reason why sibling is silent, but they are unable to help me. I was reminded however that long-deceased grandparent was a 'silent treatment' giver.
So what do I do? Part of me wants to alert sibling to the psychological cruelty of the silent treatment but I think that is my hurt speaking. Part of me would OK with letting it all go but then what do I do when/if they do get in contact for some reason other than serious family stuff? Do I respond with delight like usual? Or do I not engage? If I respond, I will be excited that they are talking to me again but then they won't contact me again for ages and I will be hurt again. Yet if I don't respond, it will seem like tit-for-tat.
Advice please.
Just before realizing there was such a thing as the Silent Treatment, I wrote to my sibling to confirm that their email address was working because they hadn't replied to any emails in the past two years. I used the subject-line 'news' hoping that would encourage a response. It did, but only to say that they were unable to pursue a conversation at that time. Months went past. I sent birthday greetings to sibling, holiday presents etc. Silence.
So I sent another email two months ago to ask why they have not been responding to my (past) emails, or wishing me happy birthday, or responding to questions about presents for their kids, etc. I expressed hurt and confusion for the length of time they are out of contact. No response.
Since realizing that there was such a thing as the Silent Treatment, I wrote to them again apologising to them for any hurt or wrong doing on my behalf that may have caused them to cease contact. I asked them to explain what I may have done so I could make amends. No response.
We live in different states and only see each other yearly when I visit their town to see other relatives. Sibling never invites me to stay, but does invite me to dinner one night to hang out with their kids (I don't have kids myself). Sibling appears friendly and jokey on these visits but then silence again. Sibling has not visited me in decades. If I phone, sibling lets the message go to answer machine (I leave a message but they don't call back), or if they accidentally pick up without checking the number, they respond brusquely and express an inability to have a conversation at that time.
Until I read about the Silent Treatment, I felt that I must have done something awful to make them go silent. But, as we haven't really spent any time together in decades, I can't think what that can be. I've been a consistent aunt/uncle to their kids (pressies and letters and handing over some grandparent items etc) but until the kids became old enough to write thank yous on their own initiative, I received no feedback on these gestures.
This break in our sibling relationship has really caused me some anguish. As the older sibling, I have very fond memories of my little sibling and the things we did together. However, since reading (admittedly, only via google) about the various aspects of silent treatments (reasons, rationales etc) I have found some strength. Maybe it's not my fault after all!
Compounding the issue is our remaining elderly parent that lives in sibling's town. Parent has recently (within the past 3 yrs) changed their will to heavily favor sibling. Parent will probably pass in the next 2-5 years. I hate to think the will change and the silence are connected because it puts my sibling in a bad light. But maybe I have been wearing rose colored glasses about younger sibling and not seeing their real character? I'd hate that to be true because I have always admired sibling, even asking them for advice in the past. I have asked parent if they know of any reason why sibling is silent, but they are unable to help me. I was reminded however that long-deceased grandparent was a 'silent treatment' giver.
So what do I do? Part of me wants to alert sibling to the psychological cruelty of the silent treatment but I think that is my hurt speaking. Part of me would OK with letting it all go but then what do I do when/if they do get in contact for some reason other than serious family stuff? Do I respond with delight like usual? Or do I not engage? If I respond, I will be excited that they are talking to me again but then they won't contact me again for ages and I will be hurt again. Yet if I don't respond, it will seem like tit-for-tat.
Advice please.
Part of me wants to alert sibling to the psychological cruelty of the silent treatment but I think that is my hurt speaking. Part of me would OK with letting it all go but then what do I do when/if they do get in contact for some reason other than serious family stuff? Do I respond with delight like usual? Or do I not engage?
I'm in the "leave it alone and do nothing" camp. It will likely only drive sibling further away. Nobody ever owes you an explanation for why they don't want to put time and effort into maintaining a relationship. They are not being psychologically cruel (at least not from what I can tell here), they are setting boundaries and you are continually pushing them.
I'm sorry, this must be difficult for you. I have been a much happier person since I realized that if people want you in their life, they will actively seek you out.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:32 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm in the "leave it alone and do nothing" camp. It will likely only drive sibling further away. Nobody ever owes you an explanation for why they don't want to put time and effort into maintaining a relationship. They are not being psychologically cruel (at least not from what I can tell here), they are setting boundaries and you are continually pushing them.
I'm sorry, this must be difficult for you. I have been a much happier person since I realized that if people want you in their life, they will actively seek you out.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:32 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Have you ever tried to have a dedicated discussion about whether there is a problem? There may not be-- there is no rule that says you have to have relationships with your siblings. But you could give them an opening to see if there is something that could be fixed. And be prepared for it not to be what you think. Right now you are imagining a lot of different reasons and problems, none of which my truly apply.
I used the subject-line 'news' hoping that would encourage a response.
I have to say, this would drive me batshit insane. If you do a lot of this kind of stuff-- that is, using misleading headers to force a reaction, because the word is force, not encourage-- that right there may be your problem. If in fact you want more of a relationship, see if you can sit down with your sibling and work out what needs to be changed. Listen and accept whatever it is they have to say. Don't keep poking them.
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I used the subject-line 'news' hoping that would encourage a response.
I have to say, this would drive me batshit insane. If you do a lot of this kind of stuff-- that is, using misleading headers to force a reaction, because the word is force, not encourage-- that right there may be your problem. If in fact you want more of a relationship, see if you can sit down with your sibling and work out what needs to be changed. Listen and accept whatever it is they have to say. Don't keep poking them.
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
You are probably not wearing rose-colored glasses. If you like your sibling, don't doubt yourself, even if sibling is not perfect and is obviously going through some kind of pain right now. If they contact you, be kind, be open. Respond with delight, as usual.
If sibling doesn't contact you in ages, accept what is. It's never a bad idea to be open and giving and if you want to say: "I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about the kids." Go ahead and say it.
posted by Fairchild at 7:36 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
If sibling doesn't contact you in ages, accept what is. It's never a bad idea to be open and giving and if you want to say: "I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about the kids." Go ahead and say it.
posted by Fairchild at 7:36 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
The silent treatment is a polite way of inviting you out of their life. Respect that.
No, its not polite at all. It is cowardly, rude, and ignorant, especially if you have no idea why your sibling is giving you the silent treatment. I'm sorry your sibling is treating you this way. Regardless of how they are acting, you need to move on and just try to accept that they are not a part of your life - do not point out their behavior to them, they are aware of what they are doing. You are not playing 'tit-for-tat' if you ignore them too - what else are you supposed to do? Just move on and be with people who want to be with you. If it would make you feel better, write a "goodbye" email to them to get this off your chest and find closure - and don't send it.
posted by NoraCharles at 7:38 AM on July 3, 2015 [37 favorites]
No, its not polite at all. It is cowardly, rude, and ignorant, especially if you have no idea why your sibling is giving you the silent treatment. I'm sorry your sibling is treating you this way. Regardless of how they are acting, you need to move on and just try to accept that they are not a part of your life - do not point out their behavior to them, they are aware of what they are doing. You are not playing 'tit-for-tat' if you ignore them too - what else are you supposed to do? Just move on and be with people who want to be with you. If it would make you feel better, write a "goodbye" email to them to get this off your chest and find closure - and don't send it.
posted by NoraCharles at 7:38 AM on July 3, 2015 [37 favorites]
I have to strongly disagree with myselfasme here. Many problematic inter-family or inter-personal situations have the potential to be resolved and this resolution can have a major impact on the happiness of all parties involved. I've seen many cases in which a misunderstanding led to major family divisions and I've seen many cases in which the choice of one party to reach out brought about a very emotional rapprochement. This is your sibling, make sure you are certain that this is insurmountable before giving up on this relationship.
posted by beisny at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by beisny at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
what do I do when/if they do get in contact for some reason other than serious family stuff? Do I respond with delight like usual?
If you would like to continue being invited to dinner when you're in town, and to continue contact with their children, then yes, you respond positively as usual. "Delight" sounds like you might have hope of expanding the relationship, so if you can, try to adopt healthy resignation on that front. Expressions of disappointment, hurt and confusion will further reduce their openness to you.
FWIW, this doesn't sound like "the silent treatment" to me. Silent treatment is a manipulative or punitive action in a pattern of drama. It sounds like this sibling is maintaining a full life (eldercare, teens) and has made some hard choices about minimizing drama in their lives. They're saying Yes to their own lives, which for whatever reason includes saying Mostly No to having you in it. Accept what contact they do offer, if you want that, and work on Yes to the rest of your own life.
posted by wonton endangerment at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2015 [28 favorites]
If you would like to continue being invited to dinner when you're in town, and to continue contact with their children, then yes, you respond positively as usual. "Delight" sounds like you might have hope of expanding the relationship, so if you can, try to adopt healthy resignation on that front. Expressions of disappointment, hurt and confusion will further reduce their openness to you.
FWIW, this doesn't sound like "the silent treatment" to me. Silent treatment is a manipulative or punitive action in a pattern of drama. It sounds like this sibling is maintaining a full life (eldercare, teens) and has made some hard choices about minimizing drama in their lives. They're saying Yes to their own lives, which for whatever reason includes saying Mostly No to having you in it. Accept what contact they do offer, if you want that, and work on Yes to the rest of your own life.
posted by wonton endangerment at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2015 [28 favorites]
Actually, this does not sound so much like the silent treatment (manipulation to ensure a certain reaction from you) as the "cut direct". It means that sibling has cut you out of their life and will pretend not to see or know you unless they absolutely have to. Google that expression and see if it fits. The Ettiquettehell.com forums might be useful to browse through for that.
As to your response, you don't. It's disconcerting if you don't understandthe WHY, but let it be. Focus on other relationships. Stop sending gifts.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:17 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
As to your response, you don't. It's disconcerting if you don't understandthe WHY, but let it be. Focus on other relationships. Stop sending gifts.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:17 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ah, I missed the"friendly and jokey" part. That may well be sibling's way of setting others who are present at ease and not causing drama. It does muddy the waters. My advice still stands.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:19 AM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 8:19 AM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have asked parent if they know of any reason why sibling is silent, but they are unable to help me. I was reminded however that long-deceased grandparent was a 'silent treatment' giver.
I would bet money that your sibling heard about this conversation with your parent and that it didn't help things any. If there is a pattern of triangulation and gossip in your family-- not saying there is; your post doesn't indicate one way or the other-- that might be something to examine. Certainly if you are doing it, stop. There is nothing that breaks down trust so quickly. Really, anything that smacks of a power play, try to avoid. Sadly, you may have gotten into patterns with your family that would be very hard to break down; that happens a lot.
posted by BibiRose at 9:03 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would bet money that your sibling heard about this conversation with your parent and that it didn't help things any. If there is a pattern of triangulation and gossip in your family-- not saying there is; your post doesn't indicate one way or the other-- that might be something to examine. Certainly if you are doing it, stop. There is nothing that breaks down trust so quickly. Really, anything that smacks of a power play, try to avoid. Sadly, you may have gotten into patterns with your family that would be very hard to break down; that happens a lot.
posted by BibiRose at 9:03 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It seems to me that the only way to deal with this is in person. At the very least, you will have satisfied yourself that you did everything possible to resolve this. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have done more.
posted by beisny at 9:07 AM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by beisny at 9:07 AM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe you remind them of something they really don't want to think about.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:10 AM on July 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 9:10 AM on July 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Of course it is awful for a sibling to cut another sibling off with no explanation! I can't believe anyone would maintain otherwise. Selfcare and protecting one's boundaries doesn't give one license to be rude to people. And cutting a formerly close sibling off without explanation is beyond rude. All the debate about whether it is or isn't the silent treatment is besides the point; it is, at minimum, cruel. In some cases this sort of cruelty may be justified, but the offense would have to be quite serious.
OP, there are many potential reasons for your sibling's silence. Some may have to do with you and others have to do with sibling. Perhaps sibling did try and tell you about some offense in the past, and it simply didn't register. Maybe you hurt her in some way, or maybe she hates your politics; the possibilities are endless.
If you want a relationship, I'd try this: a couple weeks before your next visit to hometown write and ask to meet one-on-one with sibling for lunch at a restaurant (if it is a meeting in a public place, sibling may be less worried about a big dramatic confrontation). If you can get sibling there, tell sibling that you admire her and value the relationship, and ask if there is any way to foster closer relations. Your sibling might not be open to this, at which point you'll need to move on, but at least you would know you tried.
posted by girl flaneur at 9:17 AM on July 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
OP, there are many potential reasons for your sibling's silence. Some may have to do with you and others have to do with sibling. Perhaps sibling did try and tell you about some offense in the past, and it simply didn't register. Maybe you hurt her in some way, or maybe she hates your politics; the possibilities are endless.
If you want a relationship, I'd try this: a couple weeks before your next visit to hometown write and ask to meet one-on-one with sibling for lunch at a restaurant (if it is a meeting in a public place, sibling may be less worried about a big dramatic confrontation). If you can get sibling there, tell sibling that you admire her and value the relationship, and ask if there is any way to foster closer relations. Your sibling might not be open to this, at which point you'll need to move on, but at least you would know you tried.
posted by girl flaneur at 9:17 AM on July 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Compounding the issue is our remaining elderly parent that lives in sibling's town. Parent has recently (within the past 3 yrs) changed their will to heavily favor sibling. Parent will probably pass in the next 2-5 years. I hate to think the will change and the silence are connected because it puts my sibling in a bad light. But maybe I have been wearing rose colored glasses about younger sibling and not seeing their real character?
To give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they feel guilty about being the favored child, and it makes them feel uncomfortable to talk to you. I think girl flaneur's advice about setting up a one-on-one meeting is great.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:08 AM on July 3, 2015
To give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they feel guilty about being the favored child, and it makes them feel uncomfortable to talk to you. I think girl flaneur's advice about setting up a one-on-one meeting is great.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:08 AM on July 3, 2015
"but does invite me to dinner one night to hang out with their kids "
So, that's not the complete silent treatment. Maybe your sibling isn't that fond of electronic communication or doesn't like to talk on the phone or doesn't like you all that much. Maybe all your emails go to spam? I don't think it's worth trying to figure out why nor to keep pursuing this person.
See them when you're in town, send cards/presents to the kids and chalk it up to "it's a funny old world."
posted by Ideefixe at 12:08 PM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, that's not the complete silent treatment. Maybe your sibling isn't that fond of electronic communication or doesn't like to talk on the phone or doesn't like you all that much. Maybe all your emails go to spam? I don't think it's worth trying to figure out why nor to keep pursuing this person.
See them when you're in town, send cards/presents to the kids and chalk it up to "it's a funny old world."
posted by Ideefixe at 12:08 PM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
You say your sibling seemed to cut you off about two years ago. And your elderly parent, who lives in the same town as your sibling, changed their will about three years ago. And you visit about once a year.
Is it possible that your family is angry with you because the sibling is having to bear all the burden of caring for your ageing parent? And that is why the will was changed, and why your sibling is ignoring you?
posted by Susan PG at 12:48 PM on July 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
Is it possible that your family is angry with you because the sibling is having to bear all the burden of caring for your ageing parent? And that is why the will was changed, and why your sibling is ignoring you?
posted by Susan PG at 12:48 PM on July 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
My first response is to wonder if there's something you're not telling us about your history with your sibling. Are you sure you don't know why she'd want to cut you out of her life without an explanation? Maybe she thinks the explanation should be obvious. It does make me wonder if there's something you're not telling us.
I don't see much evidence that she's simply 'saying yes to her own life'. I have a hard time imagining someone so very busy and self-involved that they can't spend a few minutes clearing up a little misunderstanding like this. Whether from empathy for you or annoyance at having to field your calls and e-mails, it's in her best interest to simply let you know that she's not mad, but really does just want space. The fact that she refuses to employ this most simple and obvious of remedies makes me think that there really is some animosity on her part.
If you really wanted to try to force her hand and provoke a response from her, then you could try sending her a link to this post. As conflict-avoidant as she is, I bet she would still have a hard time reading all these strangers discuss her without feeling the need to defend herself and clear up some misconceptions. However, that would probably also result in her hating you absolutely, and cutting you out of her life even more than she is now.
If you want to keep in her your life in some capacity, I would just mirror her behavior: display exagerated happiness when you see her once a year, and ignore her the rest of the time. That's the sort of relationship she wants with you, so giving that to her would be the path of least resistance, I think.
Personally, I don't think it's healthy to foster an emotional attachment to someone who won't reciprocate. I'm having a hard time putting my reasoning into words, but my intuition tells me that it's very bad for you, and damaging towards your psyche or soul. I think that energy would be better used towards building connections with people who are really wanting to connect back. If I were in your situation I would stop trying to contact this sibling, and would be wary of letting myself feel any strong feelings about her. On the rare moments when she contacts you or when you see her through circumstance, I would be polite but distant, and keep the focus on her kids, with whom you still have some kind of real relationship with. I know you feel like this is 'tit-for-tat', but I think that only applies if you're doing it for revenge. That's the opposite of what I'm suggesting. What I'm suggesting is that you protect yourself emotionally, and focus your energy in a healthier direction. Also, I'm not suggesting that you cut her out of your life the same way that she's done to you, but instead to just cease trying to initiate anything, and when the time comes to interact with her to be very cautious and self-protective.
posted by sam_harms at 12:55 PM on July 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't see much evidence that she's simply 'saying yes to her own life'. I have a hard time imagining someone so very busy and self-involved that they can't spend a few minutes clearing up a little misunderstanding like this. Whether from empathy for you or annoyance at having to field your calls and e-mails, it's in her best interest to simply let you know that she's not mad, but really does just want space. The fact that she refuses to employ this most simple and obvious of remedies makes me think that there really is some animosity on her part.
If you really wanted to try to force her hand and provoke a response from her, then you could try sending her a link to this post. As conflict-avoidant as she is, I bet she would still have a hard time reading all these strangers discuss her without feeling the need to defend herself and clear up some misconceptions. However, that would probably also result in her hating you absolutely, and cutting you out of her life even more than she is now.
If you want to keep in her your life in some capacity, I would just mirror her behavior: display exagerated happiness when you see her once a year, and ignore her the rest of the time. That's the sort of relationship she wants with you, so giving that to her would be the path of least resistance, I think.
Personally, I don't think it's healthy to foster an emotional attachment to someone who won't reciprocate. I'm having a hard time putting my reasoning into words, but my intuition tells me that it's very bad for you, and damaging towards your psyche or soul. I think that energy would be better used towards building connections with people who are really wanting to connect back. If I were in your situation I would stop trying to contact this sibling, and would be wary of letting myself feel any strong feelings about her. On the rare moments when she contacts you or when you see her through circumstance, I would be polite but distant, and keep the focus on her kids, with whom you still have some kind of real relationship with. I know you feel like this is 'tit-for-tat', but I think that only applies if you're doing it for revenge. That's the opposite of what I'm suggesting. What I'm suggesting is that you protect yourself emotionally, and focus your energy in a healthier direction. Also, I'm not suggesting that you cut her out of your life the same way that she's done to you, but instead to just cease trying to initiate anything, and when the time comes to interact with her to be very cautious and self-protective.
posted by sam_harms at 12:55 PM on July 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
You say your sibling seemed to cut you off about two years ago. And your elderly parent, who lives in the same town as your sibling, changed their will about three years ago. And you visit about once a year.
Is it possible that your family is angry with you because the sibling is having to bear all the burden of caring for your ageing parent? And that is why the will was changed, and why your sibling is ignoring you
I'm going to suggest what Susan PG said above - is your sibling doing all the caregiving for your mom, or at least being the one to keep her company most of the time? I've seen this cause siblings to become bitterly estranged so. very. often. So often. If you are just swooping in to give presents at the holidays and leaving your sibling to do the hard work of elder care, your sibling probably feels justified in cutting you dead (and your mom might feel justified in leaving your sibling a larger inheritance).
I don't know the background to your sibling story, so I am not saying you are doing this, but if your sibling thinks that is what is going on, they might be estranged from you because of this. Have you had an in-person, heart-to-heart talk with your sibling? That might clear the air - or it might not, but it's worth a try before giving up.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:39 PM on July 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Is it possible that your family is angry with you because the sibling is having to bear all the burden of caring for your ageing parent? And that is why the will was changed, and why your sibling is ignoring you
I'm going to suggest what Susan PG said above - is your sibling doing all the caregiving for your mom, or at least being the one to keep her company most of the time? I've seen this cause siblings to become bitterly estranged so. very. often. So often. If you are just swooping in to give presents at the holidays and leaving your sibling to do the hard work of elder care, your sibling probably feels justified in cutting you dead (and your mom might feel justified in leaving your sibling a larger inheritance).
I don't know the background to your sibling story, so I am not saying you are doing this, but if your sibling thinks that is what is going on, they might be estranged from you because of this. Have you had an in-person, heart-to-heart talk with your sibling? That might clear the air - or it might not, but it's worth a try before giving up.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:39 PM on July 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
So what do I do?
Move on. There's not much else you can do that's not going to cause drama. Sibling is making it quite clear that they don't want to contact you. They may or may not have said the words "don't contact me again", which it sounds like they haven't, but it's pretty obvious that they don't want a relationship. You don't always get closure at the end of a relationship. I had someone slow fade on me and I've never figured out why. Then again, I slow faded on someone and ended up having to tell them on three separate occasions not to use a specific slur before cutting them off, and they still contacted me a couple of years later professing no knowledge of what they'd done wrong. Most everyone wants to be the hero of their own story and few people want to look to themselves for what they've done wrong.
If they reach out to you, make sure it's a pleasant experience for them. I seem to recall a chapter in the book How To Win Friends And Influence People about a woman who encouraged her estranged husband to return by doing things like showing an interest in his life and keeping his favourite cigars on hand. One thing that she didn't do was chase the husband. Instead, she encouraged the husband to come back to her.
I think you should leave your sibling alone and respect their boundaries. Doing this will show that you're a good person who respects boundaries, and on the off chance that they're playing a silly "I'm ignoring you to make you chase me" game, it'll really annoy them.
posted by Solomon at 3:37 PM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Move on. There's not much else you can do that's not going to cause drama. Sibling is making it quite clear that they don't want to contact you. They may or may not have said the words "don't contact me again", which it sounds like they haven't, but it's pretty obvious that they don't want a relationship. You don't always get closure at the end of a relationship. I had someone slow fade on me and I've never figured out why. Then again, I slow faded on someone and ended up having to tell them on three separate occasions not to use a specific slur before cutting them off, and they still contacted me a couple of years later professing no knowledge of what they'd done wrong. Most everyone wants to be the hero of their own story and few people want to look to themselves for what they've done wrong.
If they reach out to you, make sure it's a pleasant experience for them. I seem to recall a chapter in the book How To Win Friends And Influence People about a woman who encouraged her estranged husband to return by doing things like showing an interest in his life and keeping his favourite cigars on hand. One thing that she didn't do was chase the husband. Instead, she encouraged the husband to come back to her.
I think you should leave your sibling alone and respect their boundaries. Doing this will show that you're a good person who respects boundaries, and on the off chance that they're playing a silly "I'm ignoring you to make you chase me" game, it'll really annoy them.
posted by Solomon at 3:37 PM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your sibling is the primary caregiver to your elderly parent and you parent may have changed their will to reflect that. I think instead of looking up Silent Treatment you should be looking up Elder Care. Caring for an elderly parent has a way of driving siblings apart. Ask me how I know.
posted by Rob Rockets at 4:42 PM on July 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Rob Rockets at 4:42 PM on July 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
This doesn't sound like the silent treatment. Silent treatment is when you temporarily withdraw from someone in order to punish them. This just sounds like your sibling doesn't want much to do with you. It hurts, but it doesn't mean they are necessarily doing it to hurt you. I definitely wouldn't accuse them of being wrong, manipulative, or cruel. They don't owe you a relationship or an explanation, unfortunately. If they eventually reach out to you, then you can ask what their perspective is on the past few years. I agree with you that you shouldn't punish them by refusing to engage with them in order to hurt them in the way you feel hurt now, although I understand the impulse. But at the same time, if they eventually reach out to you, you also won't owe them a relationship if you don't feel like you are ready to have one anymore, or if you feel like it would be too hurtful and vulnerable for you.
posted by wrabbit at 8:14 PM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by wrabbit at 8:14 PM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just out of curiosity, do you know that they are more active in their communications with others? Your sibling has kids and takes care of your mother, depending on what that involves, they may not have the time to sit and chat, and when they do, may just want to recharge. I can be introverted, and if I'm tired, even emailing seems like a massive undertaking. It may not be a you at all, just where your sibling is right now.
Maybe in your next email, ask if there's anything you could do from a distance to help out with your mother more, or make an extra trip to take over caregiving duties for a few days (if you haven't already, that is). If you become a source of support, it may help strengthen your relationship, although communication could still be sporadic. If it doesn't, then you know you tried, and drop it.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:17 PM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe in your next email, ask if there's anything you could do from a distance to help out with your mother more, or make an extra trip to take over caregiving duties for a few days (if you haven't already, that is). If you become a source of support, it may help strengthen your relationship, although communication could still be sporadic. If it doesn't, then you know you tried, and drop it.
posted by ghost phoneme at 9:17 PM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Another possible reason for changing the will is that your sibling has kids and you don't. That's not uncommon in estate planning.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:28 AM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:28 AM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The silent treatment is a polite way of inviting you out of their life. Respect that.
posted by myselfasme at 7:25 AM on July 3, 2015 [22 favorites]