Silencing my inner Waldorf and Statler
July 2, 2015 11:01 PM Subscribe
I really want to be one of those people who don't complain for an x amount of time just as a challenge . Id pick a month.
I noticed at work and even in relationships the people who complain the least get the most out of interactions and inspire confidence.
Has anyone else done this? How did it go? How long did it last? What did you learn from it, positive or negative? Did you do journaling or props?
I noticed at work and even in relationships the people who complain the least get the most out of interactions and inspire confidence.
Has anyone else done this? How did it go? How long did it last? What did you learn from it, positive or negative? Did you do journaling or props?
What helped me was noticing what it felt like when I did complain. For me, complaining just works me up and causes my brain to look for more and more things to dislike. It doesn't act as a relief valve but, instead, as a engine of dissatisfaction. I'm significantly more unhappy when I'm complaining.
When you catch yourself going there, take a breath and gently redirect yourself to thinking about something positive.
posted by mcduff at 6:46 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
When you catch yourself going there, take a breath and gently redirect yourself to thinking about something positive.
posted by mcduff at 6:46 AM on July 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
That's a neat idea! It seems like it could be really transformative. I have not done it, so I'm not really answering your question, but I have some advice for you anyway:
* Don't just keep your mouth shut when you feel the urge to complain. Instead force yourself to come up with SOME good thing to say about the situation, no matter how tiny or even silly it is. Either say this thing out loud to yourself or say it out loud to someone else. You're not just getting rid of an old habit (complaining), you are replacing it with a new habit (finding the good in a situation). You're allowed to be super silly about it because this is an experiment. But I think the habit of reframing things to the positive will be really really useful to you in life.
* Recruit a friend or two to be the person you say your possibly dumb silver-lining observations to. Also recruit them to help call you out if they notice you complaining without realizing it.
* Yes, journal - make note of your moods and how you are feeling. It'll be easier to keep this up if you can notice and remember the benefits of it.
Good luck, this sounds like a fun and useful experiment!
posted by aka burlap at 7:21 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
* Don't just keep your mouth shut when you feel the urge to complain. Instead force yourself to come up with SOME good thing to say about the situation, no matter how tiny or even silly it is. Either say this thing out loud to yourself or say it out loud to someone else. You're not just getting rid of an old habit (complaining), you are replacing it with a new habit (finding the good in a situation). You're allowed to be super silly about it because this is an experiment. But I think the habit of reframing things to the positive will be really really useful to you in life.
* Recruit a friend or two to be the person you say your possibly dumb silver-lining observations to. Also recruit them to help call you out if they notice you complaining without realizing it.
* Yes, journal - make note of your moods and how you are feeling. It'll be easier to keep this up if you can notice and remember the benefits of it.
Good luck, this sounds like a fun and useful experiment!
posted by aka burlap at 7:21 AM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am a reformed complainer. It came out of my family's social dynamics--we bond by complaining. But I discovered that people were perceiving me as a very negative person, although I didn't think of myself that way. They thought that I hated things that I really enjoyed! Who could blame them, when I complained so much, even about the aspects of my life that made me happiest?
When I resolved to stop complaining, I realized that when something bad happened, I had a habit of dwelling on it, going over it again and again in my mind, etching it into my memory as I constructing an entertaining story to tell my friends.
Was my complaining really entertaining? I thought I was, and sometimes the stories were funny and got a laugh, but I think on balance I was just exuding so much negativity that I brought people down.
When something bad happened, if, instead of planning to complain about it, I just said, "well, that sucked," and moved on to thinking about different things, I didn't have to keep reliving it. If I stopped thinking about it, I'd usually forget about it.
I feel like I freed up bandwith in my mind for other things. I could appreciate the positive aspects of my life more because I wasn't constantly dwelling on the negative. And I think I became much more pleasant to be around. I think I also have better relationships, because I spend less time nursing resentments and I don't percieve everything as a slight against me; I give people the benefit of the doubt (almost to a fault, if we're being honest) and try to empathize with whatever they're going through that might have lead to them doing what they're doing. I tend more to default to thinking of people as basically kind and helpful, and find it easier to forgive them when they temporarily aren't.
In my experience, not complaining is really accomplished *long before* the complaining actually begins. It starts with being mindful of the fact that I was ruminating on something negative, and making the choice at that time to let it go. Though I didn't meditate at the time that I gave up on complaining, I'd definitely recommend mindfulness meditation as a tool, because it will help you learn to recognize what's going on in your stream of consciousness, and help you learn to let go of persistent thoughts.
posted by BrashTech at 8:05 AM on July 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
When I resolved to stop complaining, I realized that when something bad happened, I had a habit of dwelling on it, going over it again and again in my mind, etching it into my memory as I constructing an entertaining story to tell my friends.
Was my complaining really entertaining? I thought I was, and sometimes the stories were funny and got a laugh, but I think on balance I was just exuding so much negativity that I brought people down.
When something bad happened, if, instead of planning to complain about it, I just said, "well, that sucked," and moved on to thinking about different things, I didn't have to keep reliving it. If I stopped thinking about it, I'd usually forget about it.
I feel like I freed up bandwith in my mind for other things. I could appreciate the positive aspects of my life more because I wasn't constantly dwelling on the negative. And I think I became much more pleasant to be around. I think I also have better relationships, because I spend less time nursing resentments and I don't percieve everything as a slight against me; I give people the benefit of the doubt (almost to a fault, if we're being honest) and try to empathize with whatever they're going through that might have lead to them doing what they're doing. I tend more to default to thinking of people as basically kind and helpful, and find it easier to forgive them when they temporarily aren't.
In my experience, not complaining is really accomplished *long before* the complaining actually begins. It starts with being mindful of the fact that I was ruminating on something negative, and making the choice at that time to let it go. Though I didn't meditate at the time that I gave up on complaining, I'd definitely recommend mindfulness meditation as a tool, because it will help you learn to recognize what's going on in your stream of consciousness, and help you learn to let go of persistent thoughts.
posted by BrashTech at 8:05 AM on July 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
I really like aka burlap's idea of replacing a complaint with a positive comment, rather than just eliminating the complaint. There is also this book: A Complaint Free World (disclaimer: I haven't actually read this.)
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 1:12 PM on July 3, 2015
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 1:12 PM on July 3, 2015
I know a guy who has every reason in the world to complain - physical and mental disabilities, personal tragedies, etc. He wasn't born into a super lucky life.
If this guy were a complainer, I imagine he would have cause to do it non-stop. A damaged body and mind aren't something one can get away from.
But this guy is like a pure beam of positive energy. He's not dumb, and of course he has legit bad days. In general he just chooses not to focus on the negative. The result is someone I can't wait to be around. I adore this guy, as do many others - despite some pretty severe limitations, he is popular as HELL. Spending time with him is not only a massive dose of perspective, but it's also a great time.
I've found a lot of value in thinking of this person when calibrating my responses to crappy situations. I try to think, "would this bother Mike?" Sometimes shit is shit, of course, but it's useful to have a way to quickly remind myself that so many things are just not worth getting upset over. And then there's nothing to complain about.
Since I started doing this, I'm less tense, friendlier, and it's easier for me to slip into a fun conversation with a near-stranger. Maybe I'm just more relaxed. Recent bosses and co-workers have described me as being positive and energetic, which trust me has NEVER been the case before at any job.
I mention this in case you're able to come up with a similar role model. Who's the least complainy person you know?
posted by jessicapierce at 3:15 PM on July 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If this guy were a complainer, I imagine he would have cause to do it non-stop. A damaged body and mind aren't something one can get away from.
But this guy is like a pure beam of positive energy. He's not dumb, and of course he has legit bad days. In general he just chooses not to focus on the negative. The result is someone I can't wait to be around. I adore this guy, as do many others - despite some pretty severe limitations, he is popular as HELL. Spending time with him is not only a massive dose of perspective, but it's also a great time.
I've found a lot of value in thinking of this person when calibrating my responses to crappy situations. I try to think, "would this bother Mike?" Sometimes shit is shit, of course, but it's useful to have a way to quickly remind myself that so many things are just not worth getting upset over. And then there's nothing to complain about.
Since I started doing this, I'm less tense, friendlier, and it's easier for me to slip into a fun conversation with a near-stranger. Maybe I'm just more relaxed. Recent bosses and co-workers have described me as being positive and energetic, which trust me has NEVER been the case before at any job.
I mention this in case you're able to come up with a similar role model. Who's the least complainy person you know?
posted by jessicapierce at 3:15 PM on July 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I used to complain a lot more than I do now. Agree that being solution-oriented is half of it, alongside maintaining better boundaries. If it's cold out, but I brought a sweater, I have nothing to complain about. Same if I don't offer to help someone pack when I really can't, or if I leave a bar when I no longer want to stay. For things that are straight-up awful but not controllable by me, accepting it and finding an ok way to tolerate it helps. E.g., bringing a book to the airport where I know the lineups will be stupid. Or looking for the humour in a crappy situation, as 15L06 said. I think that's a big one.
Don't know if this is helpful at all, but a big turning point for me was living in England for a while. My read on things was that the stiff upper lip thing is more or less for real. People seemed to be disappointed (even actively uncomfortable) when someone complained with any kind of seriousness. Definitely seemed to be seen as poor form (too heavy, awkward, blunt). 90% of the time, someone would respond to a complaint with a positive spin on things (almost compulsively). E.g.: "How was your trip?" "Well, the train was delayed by two hours, and when we got in, it was raining, and we'd just missed the restaurants, so [etc]." "Aw, that's really rough, sorry to hear that. But, you made it in the end! And we're so glad you did." (It would be much better when a bad time was recounted in an amusing way. Actually that probably got bonus points, for making it through with sense of humour intact.) I eventually got better at at least making an attempt to make my whining somewhat entertaining, or tagging on the positive spin at the end myself. Which I think I wound up actually believing, to some degree. (Apologies to Brits reading if I got this totally wrong!)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:37 PM on July 3, 2015
Don't know if this is helpful at all, but a big turning point for me was living in England for a while. My read on things was that the stiff upper lip thing is more or less for real. People seemed to be disappointed (even actively uncomfortable) when someone complained with any kind of seriousness. Definitely seemed to be seen as poor form (too heavy, awkward, blunt). 90% of the time, someone would respond to a complaint with a positive spin on things (almost compulsively). E.g.: "How was your trip?" "Well, the train was delayed by two hours, and when we got in, it was raining, and we'd just missed the restaurants, so [etc]." "Aw, that's really rough, sorry to hear that. But, you made it in the end! And we're so glad you did." (It would be much better when a bad time was recounted in an amusing way. Actually that probably got bonus points, for making it through with sense of humour intact.) I eventually got better at at least making an attempt to make my whining somewhat entertaining, or tagging on the positive spin at the end myself. Which I think I wound up actually believing, to some degree. (Apologies to Brits reading if I got this totally wrong!)
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:37 PM on July 3, 2015
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I would say to start, consider: what is the result of complaining about X? Does it get you where you want to be / want to go? Is it useful in achieving your goal? And go from there.
So in a situation were you may be tempted to start complaining about X (eg. tediousness of job at hand, stupiditiy of the client, etc) , instead just keep your mouth shut.
Take it day by day, if needed hour by hour. Don't give up if you fall back into old habits. Just start again.
If you feel you need to vent, write it down. If you must gripe, talk to one trusted coworker, or better a friend outside work. And even with them, keep it light. There is really nothing worse in my opinion than the constantly whining coworker.
I used to have a colleague who complained all the time about everything. There NEVER was a silver lining on any cloud for her. The boss was stupid, the offices stuffy, the cafeteria expensive, traffic sucked, clients were horrible, tasks boring, you get the drift. Eventually she left only to have the same experience at several other jobs she took and left since.
for me it is helpful is to savour the positive stuff: I finished the project despite the odds, I managed not to lose my temper with the guest although his demands were ridiculous, I negotiated a good deal faced with an unrealisitc budget, I found a solution for the bosses "problem".
Forget the gazilion other things that are annoying. Just don't give them airspace. Pat yourself on the shoulder for a job well done if no-one else does. Find the humour in the situation. I know it sounds easy and it is not, but I found a long time ago (I work since about 30 years) that complaining and whining does not get me to the result I want. What does, is being taks oriented and solution oriented. I work with people all day, and some of the stuff is truly ridiculous - but then I pride myself in finding solutions.
Complaining is often intertwined with blaming others (boss, government, clients etc). And blaming others makes you powerless. There are things we cannot change. But many things actually can be changed, and I focus on those.
posted by 15L06 at 4:02 AM on July 3, 2015 [5 favorites]