Partying with ex-in-laws, sans the ex

July 2, 2015 11:32 AM

I'm planning a #MEDIA-themed party. Some of my current siblings-in-law would totally dig this and it would be fun to have them there - we're all on good terms. However, I absolutely do not want my almost-ex (divorce proceedings underway) present. Is there any acceptable way to invite them but not the ex?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Short answer: No

Slightly longer answer: No, not without putting them in an unpleasant position.
posted by corb at 11:33 AM on July 2, 2015 [16 favorites]

Not unless they don’t like him, no.
posted by griphus at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

I agree with corb. Without knowing your ex's relationship with their siblings, this can only lead to hurt feelings and family turmoil.
posted by Hanuman1960 at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2015

Sure, is your ex in a coma or jail or possibly out of the country? Then I think you could probably invite the in-laws but not the ex and still have it be socially acceptable.
posted by phunniemee at 11:36 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Uh yeah, you're just asking for capital D drama. There is no way to ask them this without making them uncomfortable. You're putting yourself in the middle of drama. It's one of those things you lose - not that you can't be amiable depending but it won't be the way it used to.
posted by Aranquis at 11:36 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Absolutely not, and you already know this. Would you want your siblings to attend his parties without you?

Give it more time. When the divorce is final and the dust has settled, you can rebuild your friendships with them independent of your ex.
posted by samthemander at 11:37 AM on July 2, 2015 [8 favorites]

Give it more time. When the divorce is final and the dust has settled, you can rebuild your friendships with them independent of your ex.

Yeah, this makes sense.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:42 AM on July 2, 2015

A slight tweak on samthemander's good advice: you can absolutely have relationships with your ex's family, even now. But you cannot (or at least should not) have relationships with them that specifically exclude your ex. That means that (for now, at least) inviting them to parties is too much of a risk. One-on-one stuff ("Hey, I know how much you love Terminator movies, Stu -- want to see Genisys with me this weekend?") is fine, but not big events.
posted by Etrigan at 11:44 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

"It's one of those things you lose" ----this
posted by notned at 11:44 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

Not only will this not get the result you want 'everyone having a good time'. It will likely create a division between them and you and create more sympathy for your ex. If I was one of the siblings; actions like this would slowly-to-quickly* cross you off my list.

*depending on the depth of our connection.
posted by French Fry at 11:58 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

You marry a spouse's family, and divorce a spouse's family as well.
posted by mibo at 12:06 PM on July 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

The only exception I can think of is if you'd been friends with the in-laws, completely independently of your ex, since well before you were a couple. And then, eh, maybe.
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:12 PM on July 2, 2015

If you have children together and are on decent terms, you can ask him if he would mind watching the children while you have the party and let him know that he is welcome to invite his family to your party.

But, your best bet is to just not do it. It would be like saying, hey, I get half of all your assets, the past several years of your life are all now meaningless, and, by the way, I get your blood relatives as well, please go fall in a hole and die. There just isn't any polite way to say all of that.
posted by myselfasme at 12:35 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

It took 5+ years for my ex-inlaws to become comfortable with being a friend to me and it still is occasionally an issue. My ex and I get along but there is an expectation of family loyalty that must be adhered to, whether or not it makes sense. Leave it be.
posted by readery at 12:46 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Repeating all of the above. Inviting them would be a Not Okay thing, and I would be very surprised if they would come anyway. Even asking would probably appear spiteful to them, like post-divorce friend-claiming gone too far.
posted by FakeFreyja at 1:15 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Is this your way of declaring war on your ex? Because this is how most exes would interpret the move.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:34 PM on July 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

Well, now I'm starting to think I'm the crazy one, but I'd at least tell them. If you're really on good terms, can you call them up and say hey, I was thinking of you because I'm doing this thing you'd really like. I'd invite you, but I don't want Ex to show up and I don't want to create drama in your family. But I also didn't want you to think I wasn't inviting you, if you know what I mean.
posted by ctmf at 1:41 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

*Maybe* if you could talk to your ex and he was really super OK with it. Maybe.
posted by amtho at 3:55 PM on July 2, 2015

You can't keep in-laws in a divorce. You just can't. They have to pick his side and stick with it, and are obligated to.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:33 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

How would you react if a friend told you that their ex had done this with their family?

This is tier 1 drama llama stuff right here. It's like, outrageous to even attempt and something that would be fuel for talking shit on you for years in a completely legitimate way. I honestly second the "declaring war" type statements.
posted by emptythought at 6:21 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

My brother received an invitation for a party my Ex was having, I did not. The only reason I know about this is because my brother told me. My brother said, "What an asshole, no wonder you divorced him." The Ex and I were on speaking terms due to our child.

Do not invite your Ex in-laws. Don't be that asshole!
posted by JujuB at 8:04 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

If you squint your eyes at it just right, this could look suspiciously as if you're planning this party specifically to exclude your ex and steal their siblings out from under them. There is no acceptable way to do this, sorry.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:27 PM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

If I could not keep my apartment in Manhattan, you definitely can not keep your in-laws. Sorry.

Nthing this is just one of the things you lose. It sucks. But that's just what divorce entails.

Sometimes you have to lose stuff to win back your core. Good luck moving forward.
posted by jbenben at 10:35 PM on July 2, 2015

Fuck it man, just invite them and let them decide if it is appropriate or not. You are getting a divorce so you don't need to worry about what the ex thinks.
posted by Literaryhero at 5:29 PM on July 3, 2015

You can't keep in-laws in a divorce. You just can't. They have to pick his side and stick with it, and are obligated to.

I dunno. I'm still friends with my ex-in-laws, and stayed over at their new house a month or so ago when visiting their city to see other friends. However, I did check in with my ex before. There's a difference between your ex giving you some space on their own initiative to have a relationship with your in-laws, but trying to exclude them woudn't be a good idea. Our split was an amicable one though - if it was more acrimonious I probably would find seeing them more difficult.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:34 PM on July 3, 2015