RomanceFilter: Attempting to win her back

December 1, 2005 9:00 AM

RomanceFilter: Attempting to win her back I (let's call me "C") am pretending to do a faux "dissertation" (or a few pages of one) about us to share with a girl (let's call her "M"), who I am trying to win back.

We broke up after four years together.

There’s a part of the content that tackles and examines actual issues men and women face in long-term relationships and marriage, and issues of compatibility.

But another part is not so serious. For that, I began brainstorming and have created headings such as these with some content inside (the goal here is sweet/humorous):

o Seven reasons Not to go separate ways
o Five reasons to forever end M and C’s bond (the idea here: Come up with ridiculous case, then cross it out as a valid reason... Ex: "M takes up elephant training as a life-long passion...", crossed out)
o Ten things C never thought possible

I realize this is personal and some of it are things only I could come up with. But for inspiration, what are some beautifully sweet/funny things you have come across? (What about other ideas you recall from a story or film?) Web sites that might help inspire me?

posted by cha4 to human relations (16 comments total)

I love Pamie's Valentine Poetry (scroll down). So funny, but not too sappy.

Good luck! It sounds like you've picked a rough thing to write.
posted by Alison at 9:06 AM on December 1, 2005

Why did you break up/how long has it been?
posted by mhuckaba at 9:22 AM on December 1, 2005

Are you sure she'll find this cute? I ask that in all seriousness. I look at the "five reasons to forever end" header, and could see how that could go very, very wrong. You keep saying you're trying to win her back, which means she left- that section could fail spectacularly along the vein of her interpreting as your failure to take seriously whatever issues she had with you in the first place.
posted by headspace at 9:43 AM on December 1, 2005

I have seen the win-back thing work exactly once. I have seen it fail many times. The time it worked, it was because the guy had had cold feet about getting more serious [i.e. proposing] and, long story short, wanted to show the love of his life that he had changed his mind. The reason I bring this up is to help you focus on the "what has changed?" part of the equation as you decide to pitch your woo towards someone who already knows you pretty well. Obviously this is pretty depdenent on who left whom and why, but to achieve success, you need to make sure that your approach is all about her, and then keep in mind that it's a long shot anyhow, unless something has significantly changed.

So, with that in mind, here are some moves I've liked in the past, not for me, but in general

* the grand gesture. something that shows advanced planning in a way that talks to HER, not just shows what a great guy you are. Stuff like sending flowers to work, putting an ad in her favorite paper, getting some famous person to write a letter/sign a picture etc. I don't know how you fit this into your dissertation, and it wil be ugly if it doesn't work.

* the selfless act. Often couples get out of balance where one person thinks they do too much of the work or has shifted too low in the priority tree. Things that say "you are more important to me than X" where X is something like watching football or staying late at work [NOT something like food, breathing, etc] or something that was contentious to the two of you. For example, if my current boyfriend stayed home from school/work so that we could have a romantic morning together, I would fall down amazed because he's such a stickler for scheduling and responsibility, even though I am more lackadaisical about some of that. That would show romance in my terms.

* the "it's all about you" move. Figure out what she likes and set up a way to do ALL OF IT. Maybe she loves the holidays and you don't. Maybe she likes sushi and you don't. Maybe she's a dog nut and you aren't. Find ways to share in something she likes in a way that isn't just grudging and "you'll owe me later" Again I don't know how you work this into print, but it's a good way to show "I may have learned my lesson" intent, if that's what you need to show.

In short, though, I would not do any of this unless the specific circumstances of your breakup lead you to think that something has changed. If you blow it you will be that creepy stalk-y ex forever, instead of possibly an ex that she is on good terms with for now. I had a guy do this sort of thing with me for a while and it was without a doubt the worst time in my life. He'd make grand gestures designed to win me back and then get frustrated and angry with me when they didn't "work" reminding me why I'd left him in the first place. I wish you better luck than he had, but be careful.
posted by jessamyn at 10:01 AM on December 1, 2005

On the occasion of my birthday a few years hence, my girlfriend (current) produced a wholly intimate book report on our romance. This was no heuristically cutesy fifth grade reading level schlockfest of pet names or remember that time minutae, but a completely realized manifestation of our time together as a serious review of a book.

The content would likely be uninteresting to anyone else at its base, but its organization should give you some clues.

She definitely realized this was for a male audience and so it started off with and included lots of stuff about sex. Not particularly lurid (though definitely too much information for others), but a nice examination of what turned her on, what she remembered and why; how it brought us closer together, pushed us apart and so on.

She then turned to non-sexual interaction. Surprisingly, she avoided pet names completely. As this whole thing was cutesy only in a general sense (whereas some of what you described is cutesy in the particular), this again laid out why these two characters got along, their trials, their successes and their motivations.

Lastly she described the characters' courtship and how it informed the rest of and continuance of the relationship. It was funny, erudite and completely admitted she was a moron for spurning me for nearly a year without readily admitting such in an obvious fashion.

I read this every few months and we still maintain such literary interaction constantly. If your ex is the type (and she seems so from all indication) to appreciate such a literary venture, pay attention to her.

Be strong about it. You can tell I see an aversion to cuteness above, but it's mostly in that my girlfriend is regularly "cute" and the distinction from that in what she made for me really served to cast the entire thing in a different light.

She knew what I liked, what she liked and how we normally interacted and highlighted those aspects which were a constant subtext, but normally at the forefront.

In conclusion: I've never won anyone back.
posted by Captaintripps at 10:25 AM on December 1, 2005

I don't understand the secrecy; you're on an anonymous account and you didn't even provide any basis for the breakup? This isn't Dear Abby, someone might be able to help you if you open up.

That being said, big gestures are a waste of time; tell her exactly how you feel, how you think you can combat the issues you have and offer her a chance to take some time to think about it. She'll know whether it's for her or not, you don't need to impress her. 4 years together, she knows what you're capable of.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 10:29 AM on December 1, 2005

(Well, in terms of some background, yes, we're actually on very good terms. And she still gives me goo goo eyes when she sees me, etc. and I know the love is there. It's just that she thinks the arguments we've had on minor issues are going to turn into something worse, and she'll get "screwed over", in her words. I think it's just a matter of more compromising/better communication.)
posted by cha4 at 10:30 AM on December 1, 2005

I'm sorry but "dissertation" (even with the word faux in front of it) is just not very... sexy. As a girl, I just don't see myself swooning over a 20 page report on Why We Should Be Together. But I don't know M as well as you do so maybe she's into logical reasoning for relationships.

I agree with Jassamyn's point that the reason you broke up is important. If you know why you guys broke up, is something now different that makes that reason no longer valid? If you don't address that issue you'd just be going down this same road even at the best case scenario that you do win her back. So if you're sticking to writing something, for the "serious" article how about "Why/How Things Will Be Different This Time Around (Or The toilet seat is always down)."
posted by like_neon at 10:46 AM on December 1, 2005

She definitely realized this was for a male audience and so it started off with and included lots of stuff about sex.

Women like sex too. Just sayin'.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:53 AM on December 1, 2005

Blargh, still getting used to previewing.

Ok so there wasn't an exact reason you broke up, but I think her fears are somewhat valid.

For example -
Minor issue: Correcting her posture in public to her minor annoyance
Major implication: Eventual self-confidence issue because she thinks you're always trying to "fix" her and not just let her be.

Of course, this is a completely made up example (haha yeah, totally didn't happen to me)

At any rate, I still think those concerns of hers should be fully appreciated and maybe if you talk to her about what exactly she's scared these "minor issues" will escalate to you can pin down what went wrong. From what you say it sounds like you do have an honest shot for that much. And if you really want compromising and open communication start that now, and save the grand gestures for the proposal. Best of luck.
posted by like_neon at 10:58 AM on December 1, 2005

crabintheocean: I know (and knew someone would say that), and only in my experience have I found that it's not usually and intelligibly the first and foremost thing on a woman's mind (though usually a very close second).
posted by Captaintripps at 11:03 AM on December 1, 2005

Not answering the question I know, but I say talk to her and tell her from the heart that you want to be with her and ask her to give it a try. Even if you can't express yourself well, I reckon it will be much better.

I know when you break up, you want to fight it and argue your case, but any logical reasons aren't going to have much to do with it.

Good Luck.
posted by lunkfish at 11:26 AM on December 1, 2005

On preview, what like_neon said. Minor issues *to you* can feel like major issues to her.

I'd definitely go for the funny man routine, however, and do a motivational-speaker type Powerpoint presentation, complete with flying transitions and annoying noises. Think something like a kiss.wav played for every letter as it gets shot in from the left.

Something too grandiose, to me, might seem like you're skirting the issue. By sitting down and talking with her, you're show her that these minor issues can likely be dealt with the same way, without even saying that.

Doublewhammy it with actual compromising talk . . . nice!

Good luck.

P.S. I won her back.
posted by adamwolf at 11:37 AM on December 1, 2005

Funny. I'm sort of going through the same thing.

I wrote a long response, but it probably applies more to me than to you. Accentuate the serious, and be as direct as possible. Don't tell her you need her unless it will help you get her back. Also, plan everything, and don't let yourself crumble into despair. Finally, Stendhal's Love helped me out a lot.

Good luck. You'll need it.
posted by koeselitz at 11:44 AM on December 1, 2005

Thank you all for the feedback. Not sure if there are many more people still on this thread, but here goes – some more details: Some of her complaints where that while we both get stubborn, I am "more stubborn". Or she refers to things like "you don't smile and aren't happy" when you see me like she does me. (No assurance that isn't at all the case from me has helped re-assure her on this point.)

I also wasn't as ready for engagement when she was, which was about 6 months or so after meeting me four years ago. (Saying that I am slow to open up in relationships hasn’t helped my case much.) And after things did start to get more serious, we failed to reach an agreement on what now seem like really minor issues like where to live, etc.

Discussions didn’t get us far and in the middle of me trying to resolve things, she got frustrated and insisted I should not contact her anymore. I should have, in her mind, 'obviously' ignored her request and called etc. anyway if I didn't want to lose her... And she probably expected me succumbing to any point of view she had. I didn't do either. Because I usually respect the requests of someone who asks not to be called. (The compromising part I can do… I think I should have been more limber, so to speak.)

Now there's someone else besides me for her in the picture yet, like I said, she still makes it clear I am liked and the look on her face tells me I have a chance of winning her back. Yet she may have gone as far as seriously talking about engagement with this guy (someone who's liked her for years but whom she's always turned away). But she wants to settle down sooner rather than later (she’s twenty-six) and perceives me as holding her back for too long now (though I have been ready to take that step for some time now).

So at the end, I guess my attempts at sane and truthful talk about the issues may not be fruitful, but it's the only thing on my agenda at this point (And showing/creating thoughtful/sweet things that show effort and thought on my part could help melt the ice away a bit, too.)
posted by cha4 at 5:57 PM on December 1, 2005

So wait, you broke up because you didn't want to get married and she did? And now you're gonna write her a paper?

Why don't you just propose?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:24 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]