Keep cool, my babies..
July 2, 2015 12:52 AM Subscribe
So there's this guy I met at a mutual group hobby we've been going to which has been very enjoyable, but also awkward at the same time.
We seem to have a really strong connection, and we've both expressed it to each other, pretty heartfelt. He's come off the bat and said it to me without provoking, and I to him. He's really sensitive and empathetic and I really like that. I think I have feelings for him, he's extremely, extremely, good looking (really specifically to me in my opinion and type, and we have a lot of similarities and common interests). I really enjoy him as a friend as well. He's genuinely a really good human being, and people routinely come up to him and are drawn to him because you can really feel that vibe coming off of him very strongly. I've really never met anyone like that, ever.
Even though we have a strong connection and both have said it feels like we've known each other for decades and decades (though we only met a few months ago), I don't think he feels romantic feelings towards me. This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
The problem is that when we've recently spent one on one time just the two of us just hanging out, I've gotten really anxious around him. I know he picked up on it because he mentioned a handful of times that it seemed like I felt uncomfortable, and he would ask if I was having a good time to which I responded I was (even though I was feeling nervous). He put his head on my shoulder really sweetly, and it felt very calming and extremely soothing. We do talk about deep issues a lot and both have trouble with anxiety and depression, to which he said he's struggled with most only of his adult life. As have I, but more lifelong issue for me.
It's feels unbelievable to finally meet someone in person who admits to having those same struggles, though he doesn't seem to show them at all or have trouble with them, outwardly. I, on the other hand, haven't been able to keep it under wraps quite as well at all. We do stare into each other's eyes quite intently while talking quite a bit, which makes it hard for me because I really feel such love for him, even just in a general human sense. I feel like I'm going to melt sometimes when I'm around him because he's such a kindhearted person, and I really value that, extremely. I find myself really wanting to kiss him. We've both said we don't make deep connections with people very easily and feel one with each other, but people seem to really be drawn to him in general (which if you met him you would totally understand, it's pretty undeniable). Me, not so much, but that's just been the way things have gone. Not a lot of drawing in of people going on for me as a whole in life, though I would really love that. I really admire that in him, and think it's so sweet. I've also really had a rough time in life as of late, and it's been with issues he hasn't gone through yet as he's 6 and 1/2 years younger than me.
When we're out with a bunch of other friends of our mutual hobby I've usually been relatively okay because the focus isn't all on me, but this time where we've been on our own was difficult due to the stress I was feeling around him (though I generally feel really happy to spend time with him, especially when things go well and I don't clam up due to my already present difficulty in dealing with stress). I really think I made him uncomfortable, and I'm really anxious about making him feel that in general. So I feel like I am creating what I don't want, which I've done in the past and is a pattern I want to break with people. In the past this has pushed people away, and I don't want to do that because I really like him as a friend, paramountly. I don't have a lot of good friends, so it really does matter to me.
I know I should focus on other things and people, and I am, but I just feel like an idiot from our last interaction. When I look into his eyes I overwhelmingly want to kiss him, and just feel this warmth inside and a bit from him, but I just think that's just part of his personality. He's been talking to a few girls and have told me stories about them and how he likes them (we're both single), so I'm pretty sure that's a red flag he's not into me more than a friend. He does flirt indirectly with me and another girl in the group a bit, but he's quite outgoing in his personality and sexually confident and it does read off of him. I also feel he really likes one of the other girls in the group better because he initiates flirting with her more directly, and a little more benign comments with me.
I don't think it would work out in general because I seem to have a hard time with life and he seems to be well driven and doesn't outwardly show that he has any issues with dealing with his stated emotional problems. At least he doesn't when he's around people, he's quite a social butterfly and enjoys interacting with new people. Not in such an overtly extroverted way, but more a genuine interest in other people, a quality I also love. I also enjoy interacting with people (especially ones I don't know because I feel like I have a tendency to mess things up after I let someone get to know me, which I'm sure is a self fulfilling prophecy and I think I'm doing here again).
This one is different because he means more, I don't even know if it's really just a romantic attraction, or more the fact that I really think he's such a beautiful and wonderful human being (I've told him that and he's told me, but I find myself wanting to say that more and more). That's the real draw, even though his looks are off the charts for me. I'm not that bad looking, but I think he's in a completely different class. He's had a lot of attention from girls but from what he's said they've seemed to be not so conventionally attractive (i.e missing some teeth). A bit hit and miss, but also a good amount of attractive women too. He's very humble though, another quality I really admire in a person.
I do have a bit of a complex of not feeling good enough for anyone that is deep rooted in me, that once somebody really gets to know me they wouldn't want to anymore, or I'd make them uncomfortable in some way (I have a hard time telling people about that, it embarrasses me, and also makes me feel talking about it further perpetuates the problem and puts it out there in the universe, which is a reaction I want to change). So I think the stress pops up in mind and does it for me, so I won't get rejected way down the line. I've worked intensively on this problem myself and thought I had it licked, until someone I really care about comes along to show me I'm back at square one. Yes I've been in a ton of therapy with at least 4 different therapists, who haven't really been that helpful. It's really tiring.
After out last interaction he's been a bit distant and quite short in texts, and I'm pretty good at picking up when I've made someone uncomfortable, which I hate doing (I don't say anything weird I just get noticeably uncomfortable and I know people feel it, especially him because he commented on the fact that he thought I felt uncomfortable. I also tend to lose my verbal momentum). He did invite me to go along with 2 another friends we've been hanging out with lately pretty heavily as a unit, but I think he was kind of doing it because he didn't want to leave me out and they probably would've asked about my whereabouts and to call and invite me. He usually does the arranging of hanging out.
I don't think he's really thinking about it that much at all, and I'm know I'll see him again (at shared hobby for sure). I just feel bad knowing that I probably made him uncomfortable and for me that means doomsday for the potential of keeping that person in my life. People tend to disappear in the past when that's happened.
No one likes to feel uncomfortable around someone else, I get it. I feel the same way, and I can't get my stupid brain to stop doing it. It's usually because I feel like they've hung out long enough with me and probably want to leave, and I'm not a good judge of what people are really feeling or thinking about me at times, if anything at all. So I'm leary of making a mountain out of a molehill, because it's probably and obviously more my issue than anyone else's, and I do own that.
So after the ramble... Question!
How do I get myself to stay calm and not clam up around certain people and especially around him? I don't want to make him feel off, and fighting feelings just makes them seem to pop up which is a dick thing for my brain to do, if you ask me. He's been real supportive with some of the other things I've been going through, but I also think he wants to just have people to go out with and do fun things with (which I really do too! He doesn't have a ton of core good friends either), but I feel like my recent peculiar demeanor makes him rethink that I'm someone to do that with. I've also had trouble enjoying things lately due to a lot of things I've been through in past years. I had taken anti depressants and had a real horrible and extreme reaction, that I don't think I could go on them again.
I do like things to be light and fun, and mostly have no problem doing that with people. I really do extremely care about him as a person and really enjoy his company, so I'm not sure if it's really more than that for me. So I'm confused. If he found a girl and was going out with her I would want him to be happy, and I would be happy for him because he so deserves to be loved, and I'm shocked he's currently not. There is quite a large part of me that wants him to spend time with me and have that happen between him and I, but I don't think that would have much success in the long run. I've been alone for quite a while after a long relationship and nasty breakup, and that old feeling of not being good enough seems to come back up, even though I thought I had gotten through all of that. He didn't seem too involved in my break up story either when we've talked about it in the past.
Am I making too much out of this? Is there a way to stop it and keep cool around someone you think is really awesome? Is it a crush, love, or just an intense liking of a friendship? We've known each other for a couple months and have hung out a small handful of times with other friends and recently one on one. I get the feeling he doesn't really want to initiate the one on one specifically again, and I don't really either because I'm afraid I'll get nervous of what to say and clam again. It's obviously more of a problem for me because it's in my head and also an old issue I deal with. Rejection has really had an effect on me in the past, I try not to let it mess with me as much now but I'm still quite sensitive and tender about it. I'm sure if our friendship continues, we will hang out just the two of us again down the line.
How do I deal with this and get it under control? I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and other retraining brain modalities (emdr, dbt and stress/anxiety books). I'm currently on anti anxiety medication and have been for a long while which helps a lot, but doesn't help when I act like an idiot.
I'm kinda afraid that I'm going to be all alone in my life because of it, which is not my preferred or desired outcome. I want to tell him and clear up that I just felt some anxiety because he knows I struggle with it as he's stated he has too. I think he would probably understand, but I don't want to put him off any more if I have done that. Again, I don't think he's thinking about it that much, but I know he felt it. I just don't know how much it bothered him if even that much. I feel really exposed and pretty vulnerable about it, but I'm afraid if I acknowledge it and bring it up I'm a bit scared I might make things worse. Then again if I don't tell him (in a tactful and light way), I'm afraid it will fester and come up again. If it did effect him negatively I don't want it to make him feel uncomfortable and effect the friendship we do seem to have been starting (that was off on a good foot), and effect our shared hobby.
Any help or suggestions to keep my composure better around people and specifically him would be very much appreciated. I don't know if it's only specifically focused on him, because I've had this problem with people in general, and I've read that a good amount of other people in the world have experienced this type of behavior pattern. Thanks for listening.
We seem to have a really strong connection, and we've both expressed it to each other, pretty heartfelt. He's come off the bat and said it to me without provoking, and I to him. He's really sensitive and empathetic and I really like that. I think I have feelings for him, he's extremely, extremely, good looking (really specifically to me in my opinion and type, and we have a lot of similarities and common interests). I really enjoy him as a friend as well. He's genuinely a really good human being, and people routinely come up to him and are drawn to him because you can really feel that vibe coming off of him very strongly. I've really never met anyone like that, ever.
Even though we have a strong connection and both have said it feels like we've known each other for decades and decades (though we only met a few months ago), I don't think he feels romantic feelings towards me. This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
The problem is that when we've recently spent one on one time just the two of us just hanging out, I've gotten really anxious around him. I know he picked up on it because he mentioned a handful of times that it seemed like I felt uncomfortable, and he would ask if I was having a good time to which I responded I was (even though I was feeling nervous). He put his head on my shoulder really sweetly, and it felt very calming and extremely soothing. We do talk about deep issues a lot and both have trouble with anxiety and depression, to which he said he's struggled with most only of his adult life. As have I, but more lifelong issue for me.
It's feels unbelievable to finally meet someone in person who admits to having those same struggles, though he doesn't seem to show them at all or have trouble with them, outwardly. I, on the other hand, haven't been able to keep it under wraps quite as well at all. We do stare into each other's eyes quite intently while talking quite a bit, which makes it hard for me because I really feel such love for him, even just in a general human sense. I feel like I'm going to melt sometimes when I'm around him because he's such a kindhearted person, and I really value that, extremely. I find myself really wanting to kiss him. We've both said we don't make deep connections with people very easily and feel one with each other, but people seem to really be drawn to him in general (which if you met him you would totally understand, it's pretty undeniable). Me, not so much, but that's just been the way things have gone. Not a lot of drawing in of people going on for me as a whole in life, though I would really love that. I really admire that in him, and think it's so sweet. I've also really had a rough time in life as of late, and it's been with issues he hasn't gone through yet as he's 6 and 1/2 years younger than me.
When we're out with a bunch of other friends of our mutual hobby I've usually been relatively okay because the focus isn't all on me, but this time where we've been on our own was difficult due to the stress I was feeling around him (though I generally feel really happy to spend time with him, especially when things go well and I don't clam up due to my already present difficulty in dealing with stress). I really think I made him uncomfortable, and I'm really anxious about making him feel that in general. So I feel like I am creating what I don't want, which I've done in the past and is a pattern I want to break with people. In the past this has pushed people away, and I don't want to do that because I really like him as a friend, paramountly. I don't have a lot of good friends, so it really does matter to me.
I know I should focus on other things and people, and I am, but I just feel like an idiot from our last interaction. When I look into his eyes I overwhelmingly want to kiss him, and just feel this warmth inside and a bit from him, but I just think that's just part of his personality. He's been talking to a few girls and have told me stories about them and how he likes them (we're both single), so I'm pretty sure that's a red flag he's not into me more than a friend. He does flirt indirectly with me and another girl in the group a bit, but he's quite outgoing in his personality and sexually confident and it does read off of him. I also feel he really likes one of the other girls in the group better because he initiates flirting with her more directly, and a little more benign comments with me.
I don't think it would work out in general because I seem to have a hard time with life and he seems to be well driven and doesn't outwardly show that he has any issues with dealing with his stated emotional problems. At least he doesn't when he's around people, he's quite a social butterfly and enjoys interacting with new people. Not in such an overtly extroverted way, but more a genuine interest in other people, a quality I also love. I also enjoy interacting with people (especially ones I don't know because I feel like I have a tendency to mess things up after I let someone get to know me, which I'm sure is a self fulfilling prophecy and I think I'm doing here again).
This one is different because he means more, I don't even know if it's really just a romantic attraction, or more the fact that I really think he's such a beautiful and wonderful human being (I've told him that and he's told me, but I find myself wanting to say that more and more). That's the real draw, even though his looks are off the charts for me. I'm not that bad looking, but I think he's in a completely different class. He's had a lot of attention from girls but from what he's said they've seemed to be not so conventionally attractive (i.e missing some teeth). A bit hit and miss, but also a good amount of attractive women too. He's very humble though, another quality I really admire in a person.
I do have a bit of a complex of not feeling good enough for anyone that is deep rooted in me, that once somebody really gets to know me they wouldn't want to anymore, or I'd make them uncomfortable in some way (I have a hard time telling people about that, it embarrasses me, and also makes me feel talking about it further perpetuates the problem and puts it out there in the universe, which is a reaction I want to change). So I think the stress pops up in mind and does it for me, so I won't get rejected way down the line. I've worked intensively on this problem myself and thought I had it licked, until someone I really care about comes along to show me I'm back at square one. Yes I've been in a ton of therapy with at least 4 different therapists, who haven't really been that helpful. It's really tiring.
After out last interaction he's been a bit distant and quite short in texts, and I'm pretty good at picking up when I've made someone uncomfortable, which I hate doing (I don't say anything weird I just get noticeably uncomfortable and I know people feel it, especially him because he commented on the fact that he thought I felt uncomfortable. I also tend to lose my verbal momentum). He did invite me to go along with 2 another friends we've been hanging out with lately pretty heavily as a unit, but I think he was kind of doing it because he didn't want to leave me out and they probably would've asked about my whereabouts and to call and invite me. He usually does the arranging of hanging out.
I don't think he's really thinking about it that much at all, and I'm know I'll see him again (at shared hobby for sure). I just feel bad knowing that I probably made him uncomfortable and for me that means doomsday for the potential of keeping that person in my life. People tend to disappear in the past when that's happened.
No one likes to feel uncomfortable around someone else, I get it. I feel the same way, and I can't get my stupid brain to stop doing it. It's usually because I feel like they've hung out long enough with me and probably want to leave, and I'm not a good judge of what people are really feeling or thinking about me at times, if anything at all. So I'm leary of making a mountain out of a molehill, because it's probably and obviously more my issue than anyone else's, and I do own that.
So after the ramble... Question!
How do I get myself to stay calm and not clam up around certain people and especially around him? I don't want to make him feel off, and fighting feelings just makes them seem to pop up which is a dick thing for my brain to do, if you ask me. He's been real supportive with some of the other things I've been going through, but I also think he wants to just have people to go out with and do fun things with (which I really do too! He doesn't have a ton of core good friends either), but I feel like my recent peculiar demeanor makes him rethink that I'm someone to do that with. I've also had trouble enjoying things lately due to a lot of things I've been through in past years. I had taken anti depressants and had a real horrible and extreme reaction, that I don't think I could go on them again.
I do like things to be light and fun, and mostly have no problem doing that with people. I really do extremely care about him as a person and really enjoy his company, so I'm not sure if it's really more than that for me. So I'm confused. If he found a girl and was going out with her I would want him to be happy, and I would be happy for him because he so deserves to be loved, and I'm shocked he's currently not. There is quite a large part of me that wants him to spend time with me and have that happen between him and I, but I don't think that would have much success in the long run. I've been alone for quite a while after a long relationship and nasty breakup, and that old feeling of not being good enough seems to come back up, even though I thought I had gotten through all of that. He didn't seem too involved in my break up story either when we've talked about it in the past.
Am I making too much out of this? Is there a way to stop it and keep cool around someone you think is really awesome? Is it a crush, love, or just an intense liking of a friendship? We've known each other for a couple months and have hung out a small handful of times with other friends and recently one on one. I get the feeling he doesn't really want to initiate the one on one specifically again, and I don't really either because I'm afraid I'll get nervous of what to say and clam again. It's obviously more of a problem for me because it's in my head and also an old issue I deal with. Rejection has really had an effect on me in the past, I try not to let it mess with me as much now but I'm still quite sensitive and tender about it. I'm sure if our friendship continues, we will hang out just the two of us again down the line.
How do I deal with this and get it under control? I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and other retraining brain modalities (emdr, dbt and stress/anxiety books). I'm currently on anti anxiety medication and have been for a long while which helps a lot, but doesn't help when I act like an idiot.
I'm kinda afraid that I'm going to be all alone in my life because of it, which is not my preferred or desired outcome. I want to tell him and clear up that I just felt some anxiety because he knows I struggle with it as he's stated he has too. I think he would probably understand, but I don't want to put him off any more if I have done that. Again, I don't think he's thinking about it that much, but I know he felt it. I just don't know how much it bothered him if even that much. I feel really exposed and pretty vulnerable about it, but I'm afraid if I acknowledge it and bring it up I'm a bit scared I might make things worse. Then again if I don't tell him (in a tactful and light way), I'm afraid it will fester and come up again. If it did effect him negatively I don't want it to make him feel uncomfortable and effect the friendship we do seem to have been starting (that was off on a good foot), and effect our shared hobby.
Any help or suggestions to keep my composure better around people and specifically him would be very much appreciated. I don't know if it's only specifically focused on him, because I've had this problem with people in general, and I've read that a good amount of other people in the world have experienced this type of behavior pattern. Thanks for listening.
It could be that he's not interested in a romantic relationship, which sucks for you but is something that you can't control.
It's pretty clear that he likes you though, and it's entirely possible that he's currently having a whirlwind of thoughts trying to figure out if you LIKE him ('but she gets so uncomfortable sometimes, probably because she knows I like her way more than she likes me') and second-guessing everything you do. The only way to find out is to bite the bullet and ask him.
Staying composed when you're totally crushing on someone is far from easy. If you can decide and tell yourself for certain that he's just not a viable partner for you (maybe because he doesn't think of you in that way, maybe because you can see that you're quite different in some ways) then you can slowly push him off the crush list and onto the awesome friend list.
posted by twirlypen at 2:07 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's pretty clear that he likes you though, and it's entirely possible that he's currently having a whirlwind of thoughts trying to figure out if you LIKE him ('but she gets so uncomfortable sometimes, probably because she knows I like her way more than she likes me') and second-guessing everything you do. The only way to find out is to bite the bullet and ask him.
Staying composed when you're totally crushing on someone is far from easy. If you can decide and tell yourself for certain that he's just not a viable partner for you (maybe because he doesn't think of you in that way, maybe because you can see that you're quite different in some ways) then you can slowly push him off the crush list and onto the awesome friend list.
posted by twirlypen at 2:07 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Someone reminded me of this cool quote the other day: "be the hero of your own life, not the victim".
It's not always applicable naturally, but I think you could do with writing it on the back of your hand for a while, or something that makes you think of it. You come across as a cool, interesting, thoughtful person who doesn't think they are any of those things. You have a crush on a guy you think is awesome, perhaps maybe because he is, but also I think because you wish you were more like him ("people seem to really be drawn to him in general... Me, not so much") and admire him a lot just from a non-romantic perspective.
So look, you can wait in the shadows gazing longingly at him and wondering if you're "good enough", or you can do something about it. I don't necessarily mean bare your soul, although that is an option. But if you want to be more of a hero in your own life, then take the huge energy generated by this crush and direct it somewhere.
One way of doing this would be to become a "better" (in your perspective) version of you, taking inspiration from all the things you admire about him. Want to be more outgoing? Go out somewhere new and try that on for size. Be a slightly different version of yourself every day and find one that feels awesome and brings happiness to you and other people. Take one little thing you see him doing that you like, and start weaving it into your life in small ways. Wake up every day resolving to become the version of you that you will be proud of.
Or, you know, tell him. It doesn't have to be as big a deal as you might think. Just pick a time when you can get a quiet moment with him and say something like, hey - I just want to apologise if I've seemed a bit flustered around you lately. As you might have guessed, I am rocking a bit of a crush on you right now, but I'd rather you knew about this and we can stay friends than I make you feel weird by my possibly odd behaviour because of it! I hope that's not weird for you and that we can carry on being as close as we have been, as I'm sure it will pass in time although I'll always think you're cool.
Easy to say when you have tendencies toward anxiety, but just play it down as much as you can. Crushes are bittersweet madness and I don't blame you for feeling all over the place. But that energy can be productive, seize it and be your own hero!
posted by greenish at 3:36 AM on July 2, 2015 [15 favorites]
It's not always applicable naturally, but I think you could do with writing it on the back of your hand for a while, or something that makes you think of it. You come across as a cool, interesting, thoughtful person who doesn't think they are any of those things. You have a crush on a guy you think is awesome, perhaps maybe because he is, but also I think because you wish you were more like him ("people seem to really be drawn to him in general... Me, not so much") and admire him a lot just from a non-romantic perspective.
So look, you can wait in the shadows gazing longingly at him and wondering if you're "good enough", or you can do something about it. I don't necessarily mean bare your soul, although that is an option. But if you want to be more of a hero in your own life, then take the huge energy generated by this crush and direct it somewhere.
One way of doing this would be to become a "better" (in your perspective) version of you, taking inspiration from all the things you admire about him. Want to be more outgoing? Go out somewhere new and try that on for size. Be a slightly different version of yourself every day and find one that feels awesome and brings happiness to you and other people. Take one little thing you see him doing that you like, and start weaving it into your life in small ways. Wake up every day resolving to become the version of you that you will be proud of.
Or, you know, tell him. It doesn't have to be as big a deal as you might think. Just pick a time when you can get a quiet moment with him and say something like, hey - I just want to apologise if I've seemed a bit flustered around you lately. As you might have guessed, I am rocking a bit of a crush on you right now, but I'd rather you knew about this and we can stay friends than I make you feel weird by my possibly odd behaviour because of it! I hope that's not weird for you and that we can carry on being as close as we have been, as I'm sure it will pass in time although I'll always think you're cool.
Easy to say when you have tendencies toward anxiety, but just play it down as much as you can. Crushes are bittersweet madness and I don't blame you for feeling all over the place. But that energy can be productive, seize it and be your own hero!
posted by greenish at 3:36 AM on July 2, 2015 [15 favorites]
I can't type much on my phone, so I apologize for only saying this: I think you need to stop putting the guy - who brags about other women to you - on a pedestal. It doesn't help either of you.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:07 AM on July 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by LoonyLovegood at 4:07 AM on July 2, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: This kind of anxiety is just maddening, isn't it? I've really found the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach outlined in Things Might Go Terribly Horribly Wrong to be so much more helpful with this kind of fretting than CBT.
So much of this question is you tying yourself in knots about what you don't want — your fears — and there's very little about what you do want. And maybe it feels like you don't deserve what you want. Maybe that's one thing that you want: the self-confidence to want something without apology.
I feel like a lot of anti-anxiety therapies focus on removing bad thought patterns but they don't help me build towards something. After all, anxiety isn't just about what's going wrong, it's about what's not going right. And to move out of that state, it's helpful to think about what "things going right" looks like and what you can add in so you can move closer to that.
ACT is not so much about retraining your brain as much as it is about helping you connect with your emotions and your hopes. It is about saying "I feel like a dolt, but if I have a choice between hanging out with him and being a bit nervous VS. not hanging out with him at all, I am willing to feel nervous. I like hanging out more than I dislike feeling nervous, so that's a fair price." It is about identifying your goals, having compassion for yourself, and going for it. And maybe there are a few days where you feel more nervous and the nervousness-math is different, so you choose not to hang out. It's about being respectful of the person you are right now and the life you want to build.
The other thing that may be helpful is to try to remember that no matter what your brain tells you when you have a massive crush on someone, he is still just a person finding his way. He has faults, he has doubts, he is not Purely Good and Ideal because he is just a person and we are complex and always changing. He could be great! He's still just a dude. Sometimes it is helpful to laugh and say "Oh, brain, you are so funny. You really like him, huh?"
posted by heatherann at 4:16 AM on July 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
So much of this question is you tying yourself in knots about what you don't want — your fears — and there's very little about what you do want. And maybe it feels like you don't deserve what you want. Maybe that's one thing that you want: the self-confidence to want something without apology.
I feel like a lot of anti-anxiety therapies focus on removing bad thought patterns but they don't help me build towards something. After all, anxiety isn't just about what's going wrong, it's about what's not going right. And to move out of that state, it's helpful to think about what "things going right" looks like and what you can add in so you can move closer to that.
ACT is not so much about retraining your brain as much as it is about helping you connect with your emotions and your hopes. It is about saying "I feel like a dolt, but if I have a choice between hanging out with him and being a bit nervous VS. not hanging out with him at all, I am willing to feel nervous. I like hanging out more than I dislike feeling nervous, so that's a fair price." It is about identifying your goals, having compassion for yourself, and going for it. And maybe there are a few days where you feel more nervous and the nervousness-math is different, so you choose not to hang out. It's about being respectful of the person you are right now and the life you want to build.
The other thing that may be helpful is to try to remember that no matter what your brain tells you when you have a massive crush on someone, he is still just a person finding his way. He has faults, he has doubts, he is not Purely Good and Ideal because he is just a person and we are complex and always changing. He could be great! He's still just a dude. Sometimes it is helpful to laugh and say "Oh, brain, you are so funny. You really like him, huh?"
posted by heatherann at 4:16 AM on July 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Oh man, I've been there. The two most intense times? The first time I told my crush and it didn't work out, but we became awesome friends (which in hindsight worked out better for both of us). The second time my crush ended up telling me and we've been together for ten years (he's awesome, smart, cool, funny, and wonderful. And he chose me, omg). So, you never know unless the topic is broached.
But I do love the advice of be the hero in your own life. No matter what happens with your current OMG Massive Crush guy, just go out there and aim to be the most awesome and amazing person you can possibly be. It's easy to think other people have got it together, but if there's one thing I've learned from life is that we are all just making it up as we go along. So, go out there and try to be the best person you can. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and that kindness will shine through.
posted by kariebookish at 4:50 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
But I do love the advice of be the hero in your own life. No matter what happens with your current OMG Massive Crush guy, just go out there and aim to be the most awesome and amazing person you can possibly be. It's easy to think other people have got it together, but if there's one thing I've learned from life is that we are all just making it up as we go along. So, go out there and try to be the best person you can. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself and that kindness will shine through.
posted by kariebookish at 4:50 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think it sounds like you guys have a great friendship, with the potential for more, but there is also something about it that feels slightly off to me.
Question: have you been thinking about this from the perspective of what you could do to make yourself feel happier and to pull back a bit from this rollercoaster ride of emotion? Or is it all about making sure that whatever you do doesn't upset him or make him uncomfortable etc? I'm hearing a lot of worry that you are making him uncomfortable with your anxiety and discomfort, but I get less of a sense that you want to get past the anxiety and discomfort as an end in itself, just because you want and deserve to be happy.
I do think you should ask him out, unambiguously, on a date, for your own sake. If he says yes, great, yay for both of you. If he says no, you know where you are and can focus on making yourself feel better. But this in-between thing is no good and I encourage you to find some certainty about where this relationship is actually going as soon as possible.
On that point, I'm sure this guy is as attractive and delightful as you feel he is, but I also have to flag up my concerns with the fact that he has come on so super-intense with your friendship, flirts with you, lays his head on your shoulder etc but also tells you about his attraction to other girls and is a bit on/off about contact. Perhaps these are just slightly mixed up boundaries on his part about how platonic friendships between single heterosexual men and women normally go. Or perhaps he's in love and doesn't yet have the nerve to tell you/is worried that you don't reciprocate and is blowing hot and cold for that reason. Or perhaps, unfortunately, he is one of those people who thrives on eliciting intense emotional reactions from others and (subconsciously) likes to have a few slightly-sort-of-ambiguously sexual/romantic relationships with women in his life. There are charismatic and seemingly wonderful people, often with genuinely great qualities, who do have an element of this narcissistic quality in their character and who pursue ambiguity for its own sake. The way to keep your sanity around someone who might be like that is to insist on clarity in the relationship as early as possible. If the person refuses clarity ("you're so wonderful but I don't know if I'm attracted to you but maybe I am but maybe I'm not but my childhood issues but I love you deeply but..." etc etc) RUN. They may be genuinely good people, and maybe enrich your life in lots of ways, but only if you refuse to play this particular game with them. Otherwise it can turn toxic and crazy and the friendship becomes unsalvagable in all the drama. This goes double if you already have problems with self-worth. A nice clean rejection is much, much better for your mental health than on/off ambiguity for an extended time.
posted by Aravis76 at 5:03 AM on July 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
Question: have you been thinking about this from the perspective of what you could do to make yourself feel happier and to pull back a bit from this rollercoaster ride of emotion? Or is it all about making sure that whatever you do doesn't upset him or make him uncomfortable etc? I'm hearing a lot of worry that you are making him uncomfortable with your anxiety and discomfort, but I get less of a sense that you want to get past the anxiety and discomfort as an end in itself, just because you want and deserve to be happy.
I do think you should ask him out, unambiguously, on a date, for your own sake. If he says yes, great, yay for both of you. If he says no, you know where you are and can focus on making yourself feel better. But this in-between thing is no good and I encourage you to find some certainty about where this relationship is actually going as soon as possible.
On that point, I'm sure this guy is as attractive and delightful as you feel he is, but I also have to flag up my concerns with the fact that he has come on so super-intense with your friendship, flirts with you, lays his head on your shoulder etc but also tells you about his attraction to other girls and is a bit on/off about contact. Perhaps these are just slightly mixed up boundaries on his part about how platonic friendships between single heterosexual men and women normally go. Or perhaps he's in love and doesn't yet have the nerve to tell you/is worried that you don't reciprocate and is blowing hot and cold for that reason. Or perhaps, unfortunately, he is one of those people who thrives on eliciting intense emotional reactions from others and (subconsciously) likes to have a few slightly-sort-of-ambiguously sexual/romantic relationships with women in his life. There are charismatic and seemingly wonderful people, often with genuinely great qualities, who do have an element of this narcissistic quality in their character and who pursue ambiguity for its own sake. The way to keep your sanity around someone who might be like that is to insist on clarity in the relationship as early as possible. If the person refuses clarity ("you're so wonderful but I don't know if I'm attracted to you but maybe I am but maybe I'm not but my childhood issues but I love you deeply but..." etc etc) RUN. They may be genuinely good people, and maybe enrich your life in lots of ways, but only if you refuse to play this particular game with them. Otherwise it can turn toxic and crazy and the friendship becomes unsalvagable in all the drama. This goes double if you already have problems with self-worth. A nice clean rejection is much, much better for your mental health than on/off ambiguity for an extended time.
posted by Aravis76 at 5:03 AM on July 2, 2015 [12 favorites]
This is a crush. This is what happens. Next time he's snuggling up to you kiss him. If it doesn't work or if he says he's not interested then you can go forward with a friendship (but no cuddling! Too confusing).
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:14 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:14 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Aravis76: "Or perhaps, unfortunately, he is one of those people who thrives on eliciting intense emotional reactions from others and (subconsciously) likes to have a few slightly-sort-of-ambiguously sexual/romantic relationships with women in his life."
I got this vibe very strongly as well, and I agree that it is particularly important for you to insist on clarity with this guy. Ask him out unambiguously, and if his answer is anything but crystal clear on his end (either "Yes! I'd love to!" or "I think we would be better as friends") you need to proceed very cautiously.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:18 AM on July 2, 2015 [10 favorites]
I got this vibe very strongly as well, and I agree that it is particularly important for you to insist on clarity with this guy. Ask him out unambiguously, and if his answer is anything but crystal clear on his end (either "Yes! I'd love to!" or "I think we would be better as friends") you need to proceed very cautiously.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:18 AM on July 2, 2015 [10 favorites]
Jesus, just ask this dude out already. That will solve all of these problems because all the ambiguity and unresolved feelings you're feeling will have to go away.
Next time you see him, say, "I think I'd like to go on a proper date with you. Would you like to get dinner with me on Saturday?" You have to say the word date. Don't waffle about how much you like him, don't tell him he's a beautiful person, just make extremely clear your intent to date.
If he wants to go on a proper date, then cool. Remember it's just one date and the purpose is to feel each other out for romantic potential (i.e. don't start planning out your life with him in your head).
If he doesn't want to go on a date, then that's fine, too, because now you'll know and can move on from your crush.
I know it can be a scary prospect but it will be OK. Stop waiting around for this guy to define your relationship for you and take some action.
posted by phunniemee at 5:56 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Next time you see him, say, "I think I'd like to go on a proper date with you. Would you like to get dinner with me on Saturday?" You have to say the word date. Don't waffle about how much you like him, don't tell him he's a beautiful person, just make extremely clear your intent to date.
If he wants to go on a proper date, then cool. Remember it's just one date and the purpose is to feel each other out for romantic potential (i.e. don't start planning out your life with him in your head).
If he doesn't want to go on a date, then that's fine, too, because now you'll know and can move on from your crush.
I know it can be a scary prospect but it will be OK. Stop waiting around for this guy to define your relationship for you and take some action.
posted by phunniemee at 5:56 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
That was very long. It's a symptom of your anxiety. You need to kind of step back - take stock of the situation. Have some perspective, it's not the easy answer but be your best self - forgive yourself for any akward moments and move on with confidence. This level of anxiety shows, it turns people off, and is uncomfortable to be around. You've made this really huge story in your head but you need to take it out of your head and live in reality.
In my limited experience, social butterfly types can be hard to read because they are naturally charming and flirt with everyone - and not always on a concsious level. I do think you have to be more direct and stop waiting around for some fairy tale moment. At this point your friends and no one here knows his feelings.
posted by Aranquis at 6:03 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
In my limited experience, social butterfly types can be hard to read because they are naturally charming and flirt with everyone - and not always on a concsious level. I do think you have to be more direct and stop waiting around for some fairy tale moment. At this point your friends and no one here knows his feelings.
posted by Aranquis at 6:03 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's a crush. Ask him out. All possible answers solve your problem.
You just wrote over 2000 words about him and your anxieties. It seems like continuing to be around him without the confrontation of asking him out is not going to be good for you.
posted by French Fry at 6:41 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
You just wrote over 2000 words about him and your anxieties. It seems like continuing to be around him without the confrontation of asking him out is not going to be good for you.
posted by French Fry at 6:41 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
You wrote an absolutely massive WALL of text to say that you like this guy, but don't think he likes you. Ask him and find out. Even if the answer is no it will let you stop putting yourself through this wringer of self-torture.
posted by MsMolly at 7:15 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 7:15 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You have two options. Given your (proven) tendency to over think this thing, I would recommend option A, but option B is also an entirely valid choice.
Option A: The next time this happens: When I look into his eyes I overwhelmingly want to kiss him, and just feel this warmth inside and a bit from him... open your mouth and say: "I really want to kiss you right now." If he's into you, he will kiss you right then and there.
Option B: Ask him on a date, as explained above. At the end of the date, if you really want to kiss him, tell him you do and proceed with option A.
But remember, it's ok if he's not into you -- it might sting to find out at first but it will be SO much better than being in this unknowing limbo. He seems like a good enough guy, and you've got things in common. If you make a romantic move and it doesn't work I bet you can keep being friends (as long as you can be healthy about giving up the obsession).
Good luck! Happy Kissing!
posted by sparklemotion at 7:50 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Option A: The next time this happens: When I look into his eyes I overwhelmingly want to kiss him, and just feel this warmth inside and a bit from him... open your mouth and say: "I really want to kiss you right now." If he's into you, he will kiss you right then and there.
Option B: Ask him on a date, as explained above. At the end of the date, if you really want to kiss him, tell him you do and proceed with option A.
But remember, it's ok if he's not into you -- it might sting to find out at first but it will be SO much better than being in this unknowing limbo. He seems like a good enough guy, and you've got things in common. If you make a romantic move and it doesn't work I bet you can keep being friends (as long as you can be healthy about giving up the obsession).
Good luck! Happy Kissing!
posted by sparklemotion at 7:50 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that asking him out would solve one specific problem for you but I don't think it would resolve all this anxiety that's leaping off the page here.
I think you should give yourself a little break from thinking about this guy-- you're suffering a lot! Seriously, you'll feel a lot better if you can break this line of thinking, go on a day trip somewhere new, hang out with a friend who makes you feel unambiguously good, do something outdoorsy or challenging or pleasurable; basically, treat yo'self.
And I don't know, based on your description, I would not be surprised if he is one of those charismatic, gets a thrill from constant female attention kind of guys that send anxious, intimacy-seeking me into a tailspin. I'm not saying he sounds like a bad dude, just that there is a certain type of guy that is a bad match for a certain type of lady; the pull can be almost irresistible but the payoff is often not at all what you imagine.
posted by kapers at 8:16 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you should give yourself a little break from thinking about this guy-- you're suffering a lot! Seriously, you'll feel a lot better if you can break this line of thinking, go on a day trip somewhere new, hang out with a friend who makes you feel unambiguously good, do something outdoorsy or challenging or pleasurable; basically, treat yo'self.
And I don't know, based on your description, I would not be surprised if he is one of those charismatic, gets a thrill from constant female attention kind of guys that send anxious, intimacy-seeking me into a tailspin. I'm not saying he sounds like a bad dude, just that there is a certain type of guy that is a bad match for a certain type of lady; the pull can be almost irresistible but the payoff is often not at all what you imagine.
posted by kapers at 8:16 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think he feels romantic feelings towards me. This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.Ask him out. Take the mystery out of this situation instead of waiting for him to make a move and trying to subtly hint at him that you are interested in a romantic relationship.
posted by deathpanels at 8:27 AM on July 2, 2015
I think it sound like he enjoys flirting with various women. I'm sorry to say I don't think he takes his flirting with you seriously and I don't think this is likely to end up with the two of you in a relationship. I also think that he is likely to be using his charismatic charms to lead you to think you two have more in common than you do. He sounds pretty manipulative to me, I'm afraid.
You can learn from him, though, as it sounds like you'd like to be more like him. And you can hang out with him, enjoy his friendship, and see how things go. But don't turn your back on other opportunities and try not to obsess about him too much. I think you're likely to get your heart broken, here, and it sucks, and I'm sorry.
posted by hazyjane at 9:14 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can learn from him, though, as it sounds like you'd like to be more like him. And you can hang out with him, enjoy his friendship, and see how things go. But don't turn your back on other opportunities and try not to obsess about him too much. I think you're likely to get your heart broken, here, and it sucks, and I'm sorry.
posted by hazyjane at 9:14 AM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm pretty grossed out by the fact that he mentions women's looks in general so often when it really doesn't seem warranted, relevant, or interesting -- commenting that this woman is pretty, that woman has missing teeth...what exactly is the point?
To try to make himself seem desirable, to make you feel insecure/anxious and redouble your bids for his attention and approval perhaps? It seems to be working, too. I'm not sure he's as wonderful, kindhearted a human being as you'd like to believe. I agree with those who have said that he is probably being manipulative and is aware on some level of the effect he has on you, and enjoys it to the extent it doesn't inconvenience him. I feel for you since I absolutely also get rose colored blinders and idealize people I have crushes on, overlooking all sorts of other red flags. For myself, I think it's a manifestation of my desire to have the posture attributes I see my crushee as possessing and myself as lacking. In this case, perhaps you wish for his his social butterfly personality and his seemingly effective coping strategies for anxiety (though I would argue that he is actually using a need for female validation as a unhealthy coping strategy).
I'd recommend taking some time off from interacting with him or seeing him. Once the infatuation fades a bit, you might see that he's not exactly all that you thought he was. Take good care of yourself, I know this is tough.
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 9:43 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
To try to make himself seem desirable, to make you feel insecure/anxious and redouble your bids for his attention and approval perhaps? It seems to be working, too. I'm not sure he's as wonderful, kindhearted a human being as you'd like to believe. I agree with those who have said that he is probably being manipulative and is aware on some level of the effect he has on you, and enjoys it to the extent it doesn't inconvenience him. I feel for you since I absolutely also get rose colored blinders and idealize people I have crushes on, overlooking all sorts of other red flags. For myself, I think it's a manifestation of my desire to have the posture attributes I see my crushee as possessing and myself as lacking. In this case, perhaps you wish for his his social butterfly personality and his seemingly effective coping strategies for anxiety (though I would argue that he is actually using a need for female validation as a unhealthy coping strategy).
I'd recommend taking some time off from interacting with him or seeing him. Once the infatuation fades a bit, you might see that he's not exactly all that you thought he was. Take good care of yourself, I know this is tough.
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 9:43 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]
he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
I have to say, if this is frequent enough to notice, this would make me uncomfortable coming from any man, much less one I had a huge crush on. Is this the kind of guy who'd give you the security you want in a relationship? Unless you like competition (which seems unlikely given your own accounting of your current feelings) I don't see you getting what you need from him even if he did agree to a date.
I don't want to pick on him, but I worry because you do seem to be massively idealizing him and the connection you feel, and he just...doesn't seem so super-wonderful to me.
posted by kapers at 9:58 AM on July 2, 2015
I have to say, if this is frequent enough to notice, this would make me uncomfortable coming from any man, much less one I had a huge crush on. Is this the kind of guy who'd give you the security you want in a relationship? Unless you like competition (which seems unlikely given your own accounting of your current feelings) I don't see you getting what you need from him even if he did agree to a date.
I don't want to pick on him, but I worry because you do seem to be massively idealizing him and the connection you feel, and he just...doesn't seem so super-wonderful to me.
posted by kapers at 9:58 AM on July 2, 2015
Best answer: Hey Readygo, I looked through your previous Asks to try to get a sense of where you might be coming from, and I just wanted to let you know that you sound like such a bright and lovely and interesting person. Don't sell yourself short and feel like you're in the minor leagues; you are great. Good luck with this crush (and crush-anxiety flareup! you're not acting like an idiot), you deserve good things.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:06 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:06 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Dude, this is too long.
The only real currency in life is time.
Maybe I'm getting to be an old fart and it's showing, but dude, time is going to just keep speeding up and getting more and more precious.
Don't waste your time.
You're ony young once. You could die tomorrow. There are 3.5 billion men in the world. The more of them you meet, the more you realize realllly special magical charming wonderful dudes really aren't that rare and aren't that magical.
Take a vacation. Get a massage. Go out dancing. Play a sport, pick up a new instrument.
This guy is not worth 15 words let alone a novel. How do I know?
Because no guy is.
posted by quincunx at 10:41 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
The only real currency in life is time.
Maybe I'm getting to be an old fart and it's showing, but dude, time is going to just keep speeding up and getting more and more precious.
Don't waste your time.
You're ony young once. You could die tomorrow. There are 3.5 billion men in the world. The more of them you meet, the more you realize realllly special magical charming wonderful dudes really aren't that rare and aren't that magical.
Take a vacation. Get a massage. Go out dancing. Play a sport, pick up a new instrument.
This guy is not worth 15 words let alone a novel. How do I know?
Because no guy is.
posted by quincunx at 10:41 AM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I've been worrying a little about you and this question and wanted to come back and make another point. I get the sense that your somewhat dazzled impression of him, as expressed in this question, is largely derived from the many great in-depth same-wavelength conversations you've had. And that's great, I'm not disparaging the importance of that type of intellectual and emotional connection. But I think that it's especially important, when you have an instant connection of this kind, to be consciously attentive to the difference between what someone is saying and what they are actually, practically doing in your life. Meeting someone charming and attractive who really gets you can feel amazing, but these traits are perfectly consistent with the charming attractive same-wavelength person being inconsiderate, flaky, unreliable or cruel in their actual behaviour. It can be really easy and instinctive to conflate sounding-great with actually being-great but the two are quite distinct.
Of course it's very early days in your friendship/relationship, and maybe he will turn out to be someone really solid who you can rely on. But so far all you mention is evidence that he can talk really, really well. When it comes to treating you really really well, the record is already a bit more mixed: eg (how you felt about) his response to your story about your painful break-up, the slightly insensitive comments about other women etc. I would keep an eye on this pattern. If you routinely come away from interactions with him feeling low and sad or insecure, or unsure what he means, that's not a sign of great friendship. It doesn't mean it's his fault but it does mean that one ingredient in a good friendship is, for whatever reason, missing.
This isn't just something to bear in mind if you decide to date him, it's also important if you want to keep him in your life as a really important friend. Your friends shouldn't just delight and impress you, they should be people you can rely on to do the normal friend-stuff of returning your calls and lending a listening ear and making you feel at home with them. From what you say, this doesn't quite seem to have happened in this relationship yet because you have a crush and because his signals are a bit mixed. As time goes on, and once you have figured out if the relationship is romantic or not, the extent of his ability to contribute reliably to your happiness will become clearer. Right now it's important to keep a clear head and make sure you don't let attraction and charisma and loneliness distract you from the straightforward question, "is this person actually treating me well right now?" It's not a favour for someone to be friends with you. You are obviously kind and thoughtful and deeply interested in his welfare, and you deserve the same kindness and concern in return.
posted by Aravis76 at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Of course it's very early days in your friendship/relationship, and maybe he will turn out to be someone really solid who you can rely on. But so far all you mention is evidence that he can talk really, really well. When it comes to treating you really really well, the record is already a bit more mixed: eg (how you felt about) his response to your story about your painful break-up, the slightly insensitive comments about other women etc. I would keep an eye on this pattern. If you routinely come away from interactions with him feeling low and sad or insecure, or unsure what he means, that's not a sign of great friendship. It doesn't mean it's his fault but it does mean that one ingredient in a good friendship is, for whatever reason, missing.
This isn't just something to bear in mind if you decide to date him, it's also important if you want to keep him in your life as a really important friend. Your friends shouldn't just delight and impress you, they should be people you can rely on to do the normal friend-stuff of returning your calls and lending a listening ear and making you feel at home with them. From what you say, this doesn't quite seem to have happened in this relationship yet because you have a crush and because his signals are a bit mixed. As time goes on, and once you have figured out if the relationship is romantic or not, the extent of his ability to contribute reliably to your happiness will become clearer. Right now it's important to keep a clear head and make sure you don't let attraction and charisma and loneliness distract you from the straightforward question, "is this person actually treating me well right now?" It's not a favour for someone to be friends with you. You are obviously kind and thoughtful and deeply interested in his welfare, and you deserve the same kindness and concern in return.
posted by Aravis76 at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
erstwhile ungulate and kaper said what I was feeling about your question... this guy sounds like bad news, honestly. All of these wonderful qualities that somehow leave you feeling like shit? It sounds very much like you are in thrall to an expert, charming manipulator whose reality distortion field works so well by keeping his targets off balance and disoriented. It takes age and experience to spot these people.
The longer I live, the more convinced I am that being around the right person makes you feel good. Many many people are capable of fooling our objective mind into thinking they are wonderful charming selfless people when our subconscious is not so easily fooled and thus we feel anxious and plagued with self doubt around them ... feelings that we don't understand but should heed.
This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
Openly leering and making appreciative comments about other women's sexiness, around someone like you with whom he has an ambiguous and fairly new relationship, is totally inconsistent with the high degree of goodness and virtue you are describing him as having.
posted by jayder at 2:35 PM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
The longer I live, the more convinced I am that being around the right person makes you feel good. Many many people are capable of fooling our objective mind into thinking they are wonderful charming selfless people when our subconscious is not so easily fooled and thus we feel anxious and plagued with self doubt around them ... feelings that we don't understand but should heed.
This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
Openly leering and making appreciative comments about other women's sexiness, around someone like you with whom he has an ambiguous and fairly new relationship, is totally inconsistent with the high degree of goodness and virtue you are describing him as having.
posted by jayder at 2:35 PM on July 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This was really long, which as someone pointed out earlier is a symptom of your anxiety and I have to say I agree. You're really over thinking this quite a bit. Everyone over thinks things sometimes and when I find myself in that situation this is what I do.
I treat it like it's not the big deal I think it is...because more than likely it's not. You've idealized this man quite a bit and downplayed yourself in the process. There's no way he doesn't realize this, in fact he probably gets a bit of rise from your worship of him. I'm sure he's a nice guy but there does seem to be some manipulation at play as well. You're clearly anxious and like him a lot and that's easy situation to take advantage of.
So I think it'd be helpful to try to "suppress" the admiration a little and and really get a better understanding of your relationship with and to him. Think of it as a small thing...just a date. A date that doesn't hinge om your past issues or future doubts...just a date, no big deal. Ask him and then throw your hands up and let the chips fall where they may. It'll take you out of limbo, relieve anxiety and hopefully boost your confidence.
You seem like a considerate thoughtful person...you should be more considerate to yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt you deserve good things in life and can achieve them.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 4:55 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I treat it like it's not the big deal I think it is...because more than likely it's not. You've idealized this man quite a bit and downplayed yourself in the process. There's no way he doesn't realize this, in fact he probably gets a bit of rise from your worship of him. I'm sure he's a nice guy but there does seem to be some manipulation at play as well. You're clearly anxious and like him a lot and that's easy situation to take advantage of.
So I think it'd be helpful to try to "suppress" the admiration a little and and really get a better understanding of your relationship with and to him. Think of it as a small thing...just a date. A date that doesn't hinge om your past issues or future doubts...just a date, no big deal. Ask him and then throw your hands up and let the chips fall where they may. It'll take you out of limbo, relieve anxiety and hopefully boost your confidence.
You seem like a considerate thoughtful person...you should be more considerate to yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt you deserve good things in life and can achieve them.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 4:55 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Just throwing this idea out there... it seems like basically all your problems trace back to poor self esteem. The poor self esteem is causing you to enter a vicious cycle of self fulfilling prophecy. You believe other people don't like you, you start to get self conscious, you stop talking, you are paralyzed by fear, you make people uncomfortable, they aren't sure how to react and they become uncomfortable, you feel that this confirms your initial suspicions and your self esteem falls ever lower.
Fixing a low self esteem is no easy task, I'm well aware of that. What about snapping a rubber band on your wrist every time you have a negative thought about yourself? "I'm so awkward, I bet this person doesn't want to hang out with me anymore" *SNAP!* "I don't deserve to spend time with this man I'm attracted to, I ought to just let this toothless woman have him." *SNAP!* I think you should tell him why you're doing it, too. Seems like it could become a source of humor if you play it right, and help keep you talking instead of just getting quiet and thinking hateful thoughts at yourself until the other person backs away slowly....
Forcing yourself to be honest about what you're feeling is a good thing. Trying to suppress your feelings and dodge your feelings is what's fueling this whole situation. "But what if I tell him how I feel and he gets weirded out or thinks I'm stupid or doesn't understand?" Then what kind of friend is he? If you can't be yourself around him and you're trying to make yourself into someone else that you think he will like better than the real you, your relationship (friendly or romantic) is doomed to fail.
oh, yes, and ask him out already, for the love of god!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:21 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fixing a low self esteem is no easy task, I'm well aware of that. What about snapping a rubber band on your wrist every time you have a negative thought about yourself? "I'm so awkward, I bet this person doesn't want to hang out with me anymore" *SNAP!* "I don't deserve to spend time with this man I'm attracted to, I ought to just let this toothless woman have him." *SNAP!* I think you should tell him why you're doing it, too. Seems like it could become a source of humor if you play it right, and help keep you talking instead of just getting quiet and thinking hateful thoughts at yourself until the other person backs away slowly....
Forcing yourself to be honest about what you're feeling is a good thing. Trying to suppress your feelings and dodge your feelings is what's fueling this whole situation. "But what if I tell him how I feel and he gets weirded out or thinks I'm stupid or doesn't understand?" Then what kind of friend is he? If you can't be yourself around him and you're trying to make yourself into someone else that you think he will like better than the real you, your relationship (friendly or romantic) is doomed to fail.
oh, yes, and ask him out already, for the love of god!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:21 PM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just kiss him already.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:12 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 9:12 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for everyone's answers, it helps. And also all the really nice things some of you have said, I really appreciate it :) Sorry it was so long and wordy!
I am still struggling with feelings of not being good enough, still trying to figure out how to fix that problem in my life.
Thanks again for everyone's responses :)
posted by readygo at 1:23 AM on July 3, 2015
I am still struggling with feelings of not being good enough, still trying to figure out how to fix that problem in my life.
Thanks again for everyone's responses :)
posted by readygo at 1:23 AM on July 3, 2015
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It is absolutely normal, IMHO, to feel all the anxiety and concern you mention about somebody on whom you have a crush. Sometimes that person is somebody who it would not clearly be advisable for you to consider as a partner. That does not sound like the case here at all. So the best way to resolve the issue is to make it very clear that you are romantically attracted to him. So, ask him out - on a proper date with just the two of you. If he says yes then yay; if he says no then you will be aware that you are becoming more distant and composed in your relationship with him for good reason.
I don't think he feels romantic feelings towards me. This is because he mentions other girls that walk by that he thinks are pretty and gives very lengthy stares to occasionally.
I don't think this is a credible reason to believe he holds no romantic feelings towards you - not in the light of the other information you give.
posted by rongorongo at 1:55 AM on July 2, 2015 [3 favorites]