How to be friends with both divorcing partners

December 1, 2005 8:41 AM

My friends are getting divorced. How can I be a good, supportive friend to both of them?

X and Y have been together for a couple of years and have been unhappy for most of it. No adultery, no big secrets, they just aren't compatible and no amount of therapy has helped them sort it out. So they are splitting up and X might be going back to her home country.

The problem for me is that X and Y used to live with my partner and I and the four of us were really close friends. We have heard X's side of the story and have supported her through her problems and we have heard Y's side and supported him. This is a little bit bigger, though, and we find that although we want to be there for both of them, we personally support Y more. How can we be friends with both of them, supporting them both through this really difficult time? How can we avoid choosing sides?

posted by arcticwoman to human relations (9 comments total)

I don't have an easy answer -- I think you have to do what you have been doing. Yes, this is bigger, but AFAIK even though it seems you should do something bigger, you're probably already doing what you should. The fact that you care enough to worry about choosing sides might be enough.

I lived with someone for several years in a town where I hadn't known anybody -- almost all of my acquaintances were through her. It made a huge difference to me that a couple of them kept inviting me to things, or called for lunch. Small things like that can be very important.
posted by lodurr at 8:51 AM on December 1, 2005

Support them both equally. If X is leaving the country, your insincerity towards her will be temporary, and then you can get back to supporting Y more.
posted by jon_kill at 8:54 AM on December 1, 2005

I would try and set boundaries as far as topics are concerned. You won't talk about X with Y and vica versa except in the most vague non pejorative manner. Make it clear to both that you value them as friends and you love them, but you have some sort of relation with the other person involved and you want to maintain that.

Something like that anyway.
posted by edgeways at 9:15 AM on December 1, 2005

Hmm. I have a friend right now who is going through a brutal divorce and a lot of my support comes in the form of my listening to her talk about issues with her future ex. But I think in your case you'll have to set boundaries and make sure you don't do that, as edgeways suggests, because you don't want to involve yourself in their conflict. You'll probably need to be explicit about this with both of them.

Instead, find other ways to show support. There are sure to be some practical avenues for this, such as helping them move, offers to research contact information for the various professionals they might need, invitations to come over for dinner or a fun night on the town, gifts of baked goods, etc. If they are reasonable people, they will understand your stance and feel cared about.
posted by orange swan at 9:28 AM on December 1, 2005

There's not much you can do. It's nigh impossible to support both without being caught in the middle, a position you most certainly do not want to be in. If you want to support Y during this, then you can't avoid getting intimate with Y's take on things. As such, to go to the same level with X, you'll either feel false about the situation, or feel a need to mediate.

A lot of how well you can maintain friendships depends on X and Y. In a situation with some friends of mine, one of them would get very angry and suspicious and jealous if it was found out I was spending time with the other person, or even with friends who had "chosen' that "side".

In my own breakup, I always felt a desire to "prove" myself to people I knew my ex had confided in, straining relationships all around. In the end, there are people friendly with both of us, but not to the same level of intimacy.

Since X is leaving the country, an option exists for you each to claim one of them for a while. That way the both of you are supporting each of them, but you as a "team" aren't favoring one over the other. Outside of that, I suggest avoiding any situation that puts you in a position of mediating. Do not relay messages, do not try to patch things up, do not relay waht the other has said. If X or Y puts you in that position, politely let it be known you'd rather not talk about it, and change the topic.

It's an unfortunate situation, and freindships frequently change as a result.
posted by p7a77 at 10:07 AM on December 1, 2005

It's nigh impossible to support both without being caught in the middle, a position you most certainly do not want to be in. If you want to support Y during this, then you can't avoid getting intimate with Y's take on things. As such, to go to the same level with X, you'll either feel false about the situation, or feel a need to mediate.

I don't know that this is the case; I suppose it depends on you. When two of my friends broke up (which isn't divorce, I know), I told them, "You are both my friends and I would like to keep it that way. I will listen to you and tell you my opinion, if you'd like. I will not pass messages along or be some sort of go-between. Obviously, to some extent, any advice will be influenced by what I know from the other person, but I'm not a mediator. If you throw a fit about me hanging out with the other person, I will stop hanging out with you, not them."

They both respected that and it worked out fine. I mean, you are capable of understanding different points of view and how something can look one way from one end and another from another and yet not make anyone wrong, right?
posted by dame at 11:11 AM on December 1, 2005

Dame's advice here has worked for me in the past, the "If you throw a fit..." part going without mention in my case.

I do think it's very important not to slip and mention to one what the other told you in confidence. If you do, there's obviously a good chance neither will feel able to trust you.
posted by nobody at 2:33 PM on December 1, 2005

It's probably going to get uglier before it gets any better. Some friends of mine got divorced a year ago and I was trying to be "supportive" but in the end I just got dragged into their arguments. At that point, I could only just get the hell out and not talk to either of them for a while. It sucks. But, I would just try to stay as far out of it as possible.
posted by trbrts at 2:45 PM on December 1, 2005

I've been in the position. In a sense I guess I still am. I seriously supported one of the individuals more because that person is a closer friend to me and because of the circumstances that led to the divorce. However the other individual is a friend also (closer to my spouse). This was my experience:

Although obvious, I think it is most important to avoid taking sides with them, even if personally you feel stronger support for one of your friends. Both your friends may want to vent, you can let them, but try not to get drawn into joining into any bashing. Also avoid too much discussion of the situation with third parties that might get back to either of them.

It is possible to maintain both friendships if your friends cooperate and don't try to force you to take sides. Even though you feel more support for one of the friends, try to keep in mind that there is always more to these things than you knew (in my case, I had to get over some of my feelings against the one friend and realize that it was really none of my business to take sides - and more specifically, that I could support and be there for my particular friend without being against my other friend). Hopefully, like my case the issues between them will settle down... although I'm sure many cases go as trbrts suggests, my experience was not like this - it slowly but surely got better as everyone adjusted to the new reality, and my spouse and I maintain excellent relationships with both friends and their new (significantly more compatible) partners... everyone is happier now.
posted by nanojath at 8:05 PM on December 1, 2005