How to say no when men ask me out?

June 29, 2015 8:00 PM

As a straight man, help me gracefully decline when men occasionally ask me out, because I am bad at it.

I am a straight man with absolutely no romantic interest in men. I get asked out by men once or twice a year, and it always blindsides me and I'm less graceful about declining than I would like to be. Today was another lucky day: a man who I see regularly at the gym let me know that he would like to go out for coffee with me sometime after we were finished working out, if I would like to. He asked me out in the shower, which in my opinion is a Not Too Cool place to ask someone out, but I don't always get to control what happens in the world and I would like a solution that works in Not Too Cool situations as well.

He is a nice man and I had thought that he was some kind of extreme extrovert who needed to make a personal connection with lots of different people like he worked in sales or something, but in retrospect it is obvious that he liked me and was waiting for a good chance when we were alone. I will continue to see him regularly and I would like to continue getting along with him in a non-awkward way. I'm pretty sure that will still be possible, but I feel like I'm off on the wrong foot.

What I did was: made kind of an 'ugnnng' noise and slightly inclined my head up and down to acknowledge the existence of his proposition, as soap dripped off of my balls. This is typical; I am shocked and my words tend to escape me. *I* know I'm not interested in men and I am just never paying any attention to what other men are doing vis a vis me.

What I would like to do is: say something else? That is more adult and friendly and respectful and kind. Ideally I would like a pet phrase that I could memorize and deploy, because rational thought tends to escape me in these moments. But even with an hour to think about it now I can't quite think of the right words. Thanks for your help!

posted by Kwine to Human Relations (29 answers total)

So, wait, did you ever tell him "sorry, I'm actually straight" or what?

And if not, what's wrong with that phrase?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:02 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Hey, thanks, I'm straight. Appreciate the compliment though."
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:03 PM on June 29, 2015 [28 favorites]

In a question from 2013 you mention a wife -- still married? "I'm married" works.

Alternatively: "Thanks, but I've already got a thing going on."
posted by kmennie at 8:08 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I don't understand why you appear not to have employed the most bulletproof (and least emotionally difficult) response possible. If you're not gay, you're not gay, it's no slight towards the man who asked you out so it shouldn't be tough to break it to him, and it's pretty non-negotiable unless the dude's a nutcase. (In case it matters, I'm a gay guy so I can give you that perspective.) Every gay guy in the world is aware that most random men he encounters are totally unavailable, it's not something we can't handle.
posted by mister pointy at 8:11 PM on June 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: So, wait, did you ever tell him "sorry, I'm actually straight" or what?

And if not, what's wrong with that phrase?

He asked me as he was leaving the shower, so I had just a couple of seconds to respond, which I used poorly by being surprised and flustered. There's nothing wrong with that phrase; I guess my thought was that people would have a lot of slightly different ways to say it and I could think about the one that fit me best?

In a question from 2013 you mention a wife -- still married? "I'm married" works.

Alternatively: "Thanks, but I've already got a thing going on."

Separated since September and hopefully not married for too much longer, unfortunately/fortunately.

I won't threadsit any further, thanks so far!
posted by Kwine at 8:11 PM on June 29, 2015

I am a fan of the phrase "you're barking up the wrong tree."

But seriously, I think it's nice to say "I'm flattered, but..." Personally I *have* felt flattered by good looking guys hitting on me. It's a hell of a compliment. And that is a nice way if rejecting someone.
posted by deathpanels at 8:14 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

He asked me as he was leaving the shower, so I had just a couple of seconds to respond, which I used poorly by being surprised and flustered.

that's fair; although, I'd consider that your inability to respond in that exact moment isn't so much a function of your not being prepared for something to say. ANYONE would be thrown if someone approached them when they were naked in the shower and tried to engage them in conversation. (David Tennant here tells you Exhibit A.) So I wouldn't feel bad for being flustered.

A nice and simple "sorry, I'm straight" just gets to the point.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:17 PM on June 29, 2015 [10 favorites]

I'd just say "Sorry I'm not interested". That's it. No explanation or justifying (I'm straight). Open and shut.
posted by Aranquis at 8:23 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

I, a straight man, was once propositioned at a urinal (to be fair, I was in a gay club and I'm in no way making a judgement here - not my turf), I believe I said something like "cheers, but I'm all sorted thanks" and there were no hurt feelings anywhere - I was mildly flattered and he was inconsequentially rejected. It really isn't a big deal, perhaps reassuring yourself of that and reinforcing that could help.
posted by deadwax at 8:27 PM on June 29, 2015 [15 favorites]

I always try to prefix rejecting with "I'm flattered, but... "

Anything else probably isn't going to be heard anyways, it's kind, and it gives you a moment to decide between concrete reasons or just "I'm going to pass" / "I'm not really interested".
posted by ead at 8:27 PM on June 29, 2015

You could also just be really nice about it and say, 'Thank you. I would totally go out with you if I were gay.'
posted by yellowcandy at 8:45 PM on June 29, 2015 [14 favorites]

Yeah, it was an awkward situation, no judgement for not using complete words!

I would not recommend using yellowcandy's response only because I think it has a slightly ambiguous flavor, and on the off-chance your interlocutor isn't very experienced about romance it could end up encouraging him (on preview, similar to what Burhanistan is saying). I certainly remember being a gay teenager and having my brain latch onto any tiny pathetic "sign" that one of the inevitably straight dudes I was crushing on was into me, for a number of reasons, including: normal teenage hormones and dumbassery; being fully- or semi-closeted and thus having to communicate any interest as a series of oblique hints; being in an environment where it definitely wasn't ok to be interested in other men, and so knowing that other men would also actually be very likely to conceal any putative interest with a series of oblique hints; not being accustomed to normal friendly treatment from straight men and mistaking it for unusual interest; etc. I know we live in the future now and these dynamics are supposed to be less of a chronic problem for gay and bi men, but they still exist.

Anyway, who knows whether that's the case here or this dude was just being aggressive, but in either case I think it helps to be direct.

So something unambiguous like "sorry, I'm straight" or "sorry, not into dudes" or "sorry, ladies only for me thanks" is the best option, IMO.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:20 PM on June 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

> Separated since September and hopefully not married for too much longer, unfortunately/fortunately.

Eh, you don't have to be that honest and forthcoming to someone you're turning down. If you do end up becoming bros with this guy, you can share your relationship status with him and maybe an apology; by that point he'll completely understand that you prefer ladies, and this little misleading thing will be water under the bridge. If this guy is your bro, you can both laugh about the time he hit on you in the shower and caught you way off guard. If he becomes a stranger, this will be the forgotten past.

(Well, not forgotten-- this will still bug you when you think about it 10 years from now, but he'll forget it.)
posted by Sunburnt at 9:28 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Finding the right words is only half the issue. "I'm straight" is a perfectly fine response, without patronizing white lies about how you're flattered, you would totally be interested if you were gay, etc. Two words suffice. The more important part is delivery. Communication is largely nonverbal; you could adopt any of the scripts in this thread and still not have solved your problem, because you aren't delivering the line appropriately.

Polite but firm is a good rule of thumb. I agree that soliciting dates in showers or at urinals is uncool—and while I don't think it's necessary or advisable to be rude, I do think you can temper the politeness in proportion to the stimulus. "I'm straight" can be said in a different tone and at a different rate and with a different facial expression, depending whether you're being asked in a coffee shop or while bathing.
posted by cribcage at 9:31 PM on June 29, 2015

To add to that really quick, I suspect that the situation in the OP's question isn't precisely analogous to deadwax's anecdote because the venue matters a lot. Being propositioned at a urinal is definitely within the spectrum of "socially appropriate by local custom" if you're at a cruisy gay bar like, say, The Eagle (unless of course the other guy doesn't back off when turned down). Hitting on someone in the shower of a regular gym -- or really the shower of anywhere that's not a bathhouse -- comes off as much more forward, or else clueless. I'd feel awkward about that even if I were actually interested.

Which is not to say don't be friends with this guy if you want to, just to say that in this gay dude's opinion you're totally justified in having felt awkward here.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:56 PM on June 29, 2015

"I'm afraid I'm spoken for, but thank you."
posted by ostranenie at 10:04 PM on June 29, 2015

Leave out "I'm flattered....." because too many hear it as possibly having a chance.

I've told women who have politely hit on me (an example: a cashier asking if she could carry my purchase out to my car)"Sorry, I prefer boys".
posted by brujita at 10:50 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Thanks, but men aren't my thing" or "thanks, but women are more my thing" would probably work for me in your shoes.
posted by salvia at 11:28 PM on June 29, 2015

I'm gay. Skip "I'm flattered," definitely skip "if I were gay..."

One of the following:

"Thanks, I like girls though."
"I'm straight, sorry."

As for the shower thing... Gym showers are huge gay cruising areas, and on top of that, for pretty obvious reasons we tend to be less antsy about being naked in front of other guys. So from his perspective, and this is not to excuse that he did invade your personal space in an uncomfortable way, if he thought you were gay or bi, he was acting in a relatively unremarkable way for a queer-guy-to-queer-guy interaction. That said, one should ascertain to a 100% certainty that the other person is indeed some variant of queer before approaching in that kind of environment.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:40 PM on June 29, 2015

A couple of times a year? Women receive propositions multiple times daily, you might try any of the numerous questions on that topic for response ideas. Adjust based on how pushy the propositioner is, and how threatened you feel.

If the propositions are not pushy, but just awkward for you, you're in luck--all you need to do is be polite. "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" should suffice.
posted by epanalepsis at 6:47 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I have always used "I am flattered, but straight" - and there's never been an issue. I quite frankly wish it was that easy to turn down women (when you're single) without it coming across as a 'rejection'.
posted by modernnomad at 7:42 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I like "Thanks, but my dance card is full" for polite rejections. It says, "I'm not rejecting coffee with you, I'm rejecting dating anybody else."
posted by entropone at 8:07 AM on June 30, 2015

"I don't date men, but thank you, I'm flattered?"
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:23 AM on June 30, 2015

A simple, "No, thanks" should really do the trick, and it's easy to remember when you're caught on the spot.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:11 AM on June 30, 2015

When people occasionally make some kind of overture toward me I either change the subject, or if a direct response is called for, I say something like, "I'm really flattered but I'm not in the market."

(Gayness is a red herring here: respond the way you would to anyone asking you out who you do not want to go out with.)
posted by latkes at 1:12 PM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

I always find it awkward to be hit on by people I'm not interested in, either, so the quicker I can end the interaction, the better. I'm afraid I don't see the point of asserting your straightness or contriving a marriage in these situations; what's wrong with a good old fashioned "oh, no thank you"?

Who cares if one person thinks you're gay, as long as he knows it ain't gonna happen?
posted by kapers at 10:54 PM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

I would forgive yourself for being flustered in this situation -- it is ridiculously awkward to ask someone out in a naked shower situation, assuming this is not at an explicitly gay gym/bathhouse/etc. In any case, when approached in appropriate venues, I would go with the very short and sweet "No thanks" with a smile. If you feel the need for more explanation, "No thanks, I'm straight." If the person is being creepy and boundary-violating (as in the shower situation), you can skip the smile.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:42 AM on July 1, 2015

Who cares if one person thinks you're gay, as long as he knows it ain't gonna happen?

For (most) gay men, "I'm straight" is the best way of communicating that it will never ever happen.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:42 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

Many years ago when I worked as a waiter I was propositioned regularly by male customers. (Because wait staff are there for the taking, or something? Anyway...).

On the advice of my then supervisor, the answer is "Thanks, I appreciate it, but it's just not my bag / not my line." No further explanation needed. No need to point out that he's gay or bi while you're not.

Then carry on as if nothing had happened; don't act offended or keep a wider distance than you would normally.

Remember, he's probably quite used to getting rejected in this way and for this reason. He won't bite your head off, he'll just hope for better luck with the next person.
posted by Pechorin at 11:54 AM on July 1, 2015