Ethical interracial adoption by the child of an interracial adoptee
June 20, 2015 1:15 AM Subscribe
I am the child of an adoptee, the birth mother of whom is non-white. Now I'm planning to be an adopter, most probably of a child who is also non-white.
This is probably the most awkward and uncomfortable question I have ever asked. I'm going to apologize in advance for how this may come out. Here goes:
My dad was adopted as a baby by an older white couple. Dad looks white. As an adult, he discovered that his birth mother is from an immigrant family who passed as white. There is a lot of drama there and although we have met and know a bit about Dad's birth grandparents, they and their culture and traditions were not a part of his or my lives growing up. His birth father was white and my mother is white - we've never thought of ourselves as anything other than white.
Now I'm about to get married to a white man who cannot have children. We plan to adopt. This was fine in the abstract, but now the wedding is in 4 months and we're both over 30, so we will probably be starting the process soon. I am starting to freak out and have no idea what to do.
I guess this is where I mention that I am finding it really hard to come to terms with my family history. We will take any child the agency wants to place with us, which will most likely mean a non-white child. The idea of starting another generation who will be cut off from their birth culture is freaking me the hell out. I can't get over how angry I am that I never knew my family's language and traditions as a child, even though they themselves assimilated as quickly as possible. I recognize that this is misplaced anger at the birth family drama referenced above. I would want to raise my adopted child differently, but I have no idea how, and part of me feels like this kind of racial/cultural shift is inevitable.
How do I navigate this? Does anyone talk or write about these things?
Sometimes I think about avoiding the whole interracial issue by going through with an international adoption and specifically adopting a child from Guangzhou (where my dad's birth family is from), but that feels kinda gross. It feels like - well, like some kind of gross minority tourism. Not to mention that my partner is still white. It's a similar feeling to the one I get when I tell people I'm not actually white, which people have started asking me about (I'm multilingual, and judging by my physical features and the older women in my dad's birth family, I will continue to look less and less white as I age).
tl;dr: How do I navigate an interracial adoption to avoid the issues that have arisen in my own family due to the same situation? Who can I talk to about this, or who has written about this? Talking to my dad is out - this is a touchy subject due to Birth Family Drama Reasons.
This is probably the most awkward and uncomfortable question I have ever asked. I'm going to apologize in advance for how this may come out. Here goes:
My dad was adopted as a baby by an older white couple. Dad looks white. As an adult, he discovered that his birth mother is from an immigrant family who passed as white. There is a lot of drama there and although we have met and know a bit about Dad's birth grandparents, they and their culture and traditions were not a part of his or my lives growing up. His birth father was white and my mother is white - we've never thought of ourselves as anything other than white.
Now I'm about to get married to a white man who cannot have children. We plan to adopt. This was fine in the abstract, but now the wedding is in 4 months and we're both over 30, so we will probably be starting the process soon. I am starting to freak out and have no idea what to do.
I guess this is where I mention that I am finding it really hard to come to terms with my family history. We will take any child the agency wants to place with us, which will most likely mean a non-white child. The idea of starting another generation who will be cut off from their birth culture is freaking me the hell out. I can't get over how angry I am that I never knew my family's language and traditions as a child, even though they themselves assimilated as quickly as possible. I recognize that this is misplaced anger at the birth family drama referenced above. I would want to raise my adopted child differently, but I have no idea how, and part of me feels like this kind of racial/cultural shift is inevitable.
How do I navigate this? Does anyone talk or write about these things?
Sometimes I think about avoiding the whole interracial issue by going through with an international adoption and specifically adopting a child from Guangzhou (where my dad's birth family is from), but that feels kinda gross. It feels like - well, like some kind of gross minority tourism. Not to mention that my partner is still white. It's a similar feeling to the one I get when I tell people I'm not actually white, which people have started asking me about (I'm multilingual, and judging by my physical features and the older women in my dad's birth family, I will continue to look less and less white as I age).
tl;dr: How do I navigate an interracial adoption to avoid the issues that have arisen in my own family due to the same situation? Who can I talk to about this, or who has written about this? Talking to my dad is out - this is a touchy subject due to Birth Family Drama Reasons.
I'd like to chime in saying that the idea of "taking any child the agency wants to place with us" is not the wrong way to do it if you've thought it through and are on the same page with your partner. You mentioned that your desire would be to have a child of Chinese origin. Why not ? But that's another point you've got to clear up a bit. Anyway, You can go in that direction if that's what you really want (I would personnally think that it could be a bond with your child, both cultural and intergenerational) and try to get the most ethical process that's available. If you can't find one that's satisfying, then you'll be able to change your mind along the way and select another program, some other place, some other agency.
You need to talk to a therapist, to adoption specialists, to read a lot (sorry, I don't have English titles to give you) to get a matured vision of what you want and what is within the realm of possibility, but, as you navigate, you won't avoid "the issues that have arisen in [your] own family due to the same situation". To some extent, you will have to unknot that stuff to make another knot.
The "racial [and] cultural shift" allow adopted children to fit in their new culture. You've got to be ready to introduce your child to your culture. It seems you'd have bonus points since you can also express a lot of respect for the culture the birth parents of your child would belong to in the scenario you hint at, but, if you were to choose an adoption in another context, your family experiences and what you've made of them would be applicable too and help you all.
Godspeed.
posted by nicolin at 3:11 AM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to talk to a therapist, to adoption specialists, to read a lot (sorry, I don't have English titles to give you) to get a matured vision of what you want and what is within the realm of possibility, but, as you navigate, you won't avoid "the issues that have arisen in [your] own family due to the same situation". To some extent, you will have to unknot that stuff to make another knot.
The "racial [and] cultural shift" allow adopted children to fit in their new culture. You've got to be ready to introduce your child to your culture. It seems you'd have bonus points since you can also express a lot of respect for the culture the birth parents of your child would belong to in the scenario you hint at, but, if you were to choose an adoption in another context, your family experiences and what you've made of them would be applicable too and help you all.
Godspeed.
posted by nicolin at 3:11 AM on June 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I stumbled across a blog a few years ago called "Anti-racist parent". I don't think it exists in the same form anymore, and it may have become this: Ask Anti-Racist Parent. Maybe have a read there and see if it might also be a good place to ask this question.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:57 AM on June 20, 2015
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:57 AM on June 20, 2015
I'm adopted and active in adoptee issues, and I have white friends who've done international adoption of Jon-white kids. I'm seconding that the search term for writings on how to do this ethically is "trans-racial adoption." Sorry that you'll have to wade through the semantic arguments about the term in light of recent events to find what you need.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:15 AM on June 20, 2015
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:15 AM on June 20, 2015
Mothermade is a transracial adoptee who writes thoughtfully about her and her biological children's experiences with adoption through generations, both in navigating and understanding race, and the family and cultural losses and changes.
You may want to talk with a therapist about all this, because this is an infertility issue from your husband's side, not yours? And biology-adoption-fertility is bringing up a whole bunch of feelings that you haven't finished understanding and making sense of yet, so a therapist who is focussed on you might be able to help you. It's pretty common for one partner in adoptions to be taking the lead, but I can tell you from devastatingly painful personal experience that if a partner has doubts and doesn't acknowledge them, it doesn't get better when the kid arrives - or the kid never arrives, because the process gets sabotaged subconsciously.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:36 AM on June 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
You may want to talk with a therapist about all this, because this is an infertility issue from your husband's side, not yours? And biology-adoption-fertility is bringing up a whole bunch of feelings that you haven't finished understanding and making sense of yet, so a therapist who is focussed on you might be able to help you. It's pretty common for one partner in adoptions to be taking the lead, but I can tell you from devastatingly painful personal experience that if a partner has doubts and doesn't acknowledge them, it doesn't get better when the kid arrives - or the kid never arrives, because the process gets sabotaged subconsciously.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:36 AM on June 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
The idea of starting another generation who will be cut off from their birth culture is freaking me the hell out. I can't get over how angry I am that I never knew my family's language and traditions as a child, even though they themselves assimilated as quickly as possible.
Is there a reason you don't seem to be considering open adoption, where this would be less of an issue?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:12 AM on June 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Is there a reason you don't seem to be considering open adoption, where this would be less of an issue?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:12 AM on June 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
My grandmother spoke an Asian language, my mother could speak some, and my siblings and I know effectively none. Even without adoption involved, there is no guarantee that the specifics of any culture will be passed on. Plus there are some undesirable (mainly misogynist) ideas from that culture that I acquired passively and have struggled to unlearn.
It's great that you are actively trying to prevent strife on this front for your future child. Ancestry and inherited culture are important to many people, and it's important that you offer them to your child. But you child will be an individual. Your child's primary culture will be the culture of your immediate family and friends, and the ancestry and inherited culture will be an ongoing part of your child's (and you and your spouse's) education. You will need to be guided by the child on this front because there's no correct answer except what the child needs or wants.
posted by zennie at 5:58 AM on June 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's great that you are actively trying to prevent strife on this front for your future child. Ancestry and inherited culture are important to many people, and it's important that you offer them to your child. But you child will be an individual. Your child's primary culture will be the culture of your immediate family and friends, and the ancestry and inherited culture will be an ongoing part of your child's (and you and your spouse's) education. You will need to be guided by the child on this front because there's no correct answer except what the child needs or wants.
posted by zennie at 5:58 AM on June 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yes, people absolutely talk about this! Friends of a friend adopted a daughter from Sierra Leone (they're white) and the mom posts about transracial adoption on Facebook ALL the time. It remains to be seen if the adoptive parents are doing a good job of taking her child's birth family's culture into account while raising their daughter (I'll let their daughter make that judgment when she's older) but they don't sweep their differences under the rug. She often posts from a site called iamnotthebabysitter.com which has some good posts about transracial adoption mixed in with a lot of posts about... random things. I would suggest searching for "adoption" articles to wade through some of the other stuff.
She has also posted this article which has so many good things to think about. It seems like it's geared towards white parents adopting black children, but it could be useful regardless of a family's ethnicities:
http://mommymeansit.com/seemingly-minor-mistakes-white-adoptive-parents-of-children-of-color-often-make/
My main concern is that it seems like you've been raised in a white family and in white culture, and it doesn't seem like you grew up with a lot of knowledge about your paternal grandmother's culture or people from that culture. Do you have any friends from that culture? Do you have connections with your extended family members from that culture? If not, I would suggest doing whatever you can to learn more and meet people with backgrounds similar to your paternal grandmother's. You may feel right at home with that culture and feel completely comfortable adopting your child from Guangzhou. On the other hand, during my travels in the Middle East I met a girl who was 75% white British and 25% Egyptian, and who did not feel any affinity with Arab culture at all. I'm sure that her time learning more about her grandparent's culture cemented her feelings that she fit in better with white British culture than Egyptian culture, and that's also totally ok. You be you. Culture is a learned set of preferences and rituals that has nothing to do with race or skin color and by the time people are adults, they have an idea of what they like/want and don't like/want for their lives. I would suggest learning more about your own culture by maybe taking language classes or even an anthropology class for a better understanding of how people understand about race/ethnicity (not sure where you live or if you have access to a local community college or adult education classes), trying to meet people from your paternal grandmother's culture, and going to a therapist (not sure how many specialize in adoption/transracial adoption in your area, but that would probably be more helpful than a therapist with a specialty in, say, depression who has no training in cultural issues.) You need to decide who YOU are and how you want to balance your families' cultures.
I hope this advice was somewhat helpful. Just know that you're not alone, and there are PLENTY of people who are in the same boat, facing the same decisions, and learning about their backgrounds later in life.
Edit: Corrected a typo.
posted by Penguin48 at 6:43 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
She has also posted this article which has so many good things to think about. It seems like it's geared towards white parents adopting black children, but it could be useful regardless of a family's ethnicities:
http://mommymeansit.com/seemingly-minor-mistakes-white-adoptive-parents-of-children-of-color-often-make/
My main concern is that it seems like you've been raised in a white family and in white culture, and it doesn't seem like you grew up with a lot of knowledge about your paternal grandmother's culture or people from that culture. Do you have any friends from that culture? Do you have connections with your extended family members from that culture? If not, I would suggest doing whatever you can to learn more and meet people with backgrounds similar to your paternal grandmother's. You may feel right at home with that culture and feel completely comfortable adopting your child from Guangzhou. On the other hand, during my travels in the Middle East I met a girl who was 75% white British and 25% Egyptian, and who did not feel any affinity with Arab culture at all. I'm sure that her time learning more about her grandparent's culture cemented her feelings that she fit in better with white British culture than Egyptian culture, and that's also totally ok. You be you. Culture is a learned set of preferences and rituals that has nothing to do with race or skin color and by the time people are adults, they have an idea of what they like/want and don't like/want for their lives. I would suggest learning more about your own culture by maybe taking language classes or even an anthropology class for a better understanding of how people understand about race/ethnicity (not sure where you live or if you have access to a local community college or adult education classes), trying to meet people from your paternal grandmother's culture, and going to a therapist (not sure how many specialize in adoption/transracial adoption in your area, but that would probably be more helpful than a therapist with a specialty in, say, depression who has no training in cultural issues.) You need to decide who YOU are and how you want to balance your families' cultures.
I hope this advice was somewhat helpful. Just know that you're not alone, and there are PLENTY of people who are in the same boat, facing the same decisions, and learning about their backgrounds later in life.
Edit: Corrected a typo.
posted by Penguin48 at 6:43 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
A consultation with an attorney could help with navigating the adoption process and emotional support resources:
posted by Little Dawn at 8:43 AM on June 20, 2015
The Internet is overflowing with banners of entities promising you a quick and easy road to parenthood through adoption. The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (AAAA) recommends that families retain an experienced adoption attorney in your state to help you evaluate the resources to ensure that you experience the process with legal, financial, and emotional security.via Get a lawyer [MeFi Wiki]
posted by Little Dawn at 8:43 AM on June 20, 2015
I never knew my family's language and traditions as a child, even though they themselves assimilated as quickly as possible
There are no adoptions in my family and this is STILL true*. And I'm kind of sad about it too - people in my family, that I knew (grandparents) spoke languages, knew how to cook food, do fine crafts, etc.. that did not get passed down. Now, it feels like it's too late and it seems weird to claim it back, and like the "real" members of those cultures might be kind of judgy about it. Furthermore, though mostly white, me and my son's cousins include Chinese, Mexican, African-American, etc... which means we're both exposed to a lot of those cultures and identify with parts of them too. I'm still not sure how to do this... well? Inoffensively?
Anyway, it might help if you can separate the issues a little - the baggage from the adoption from the cultural issues from x from y from z. Because you could have been not adopted and still have similar issues, or been adopted to a different family and had no such issues. >> Therapist.
(*My great-grandmother had an affair, so my grandmother had a half brother who grew up Ukrainian instead of Irish. Look - he had Major Issues from this too. The difference is that we live in a time and place where we can talk about it and get lawyers and therapists and Meet-up groups and online forums and... he didn't. I think as long as you're always asking and working on this, and take into account what YOUR child needs, you'll be fine! Your kid won't be you, they might not even care about their birth culture!)
posted by jrobin276 at 5:15 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are no adoptions in my family and this is STILL true*. And I'm kind of sad about it too - people in my family, that I knew (grandparents) spoke languages, knew how to cook food, do fine crafts, etc.. that did not get passed down. Now, it feels like it's too late and it seems weird to claim it back, and like the "real" members of those cultures might be kind of judgy about it. Furthermore, though mostly white, me and my son's cousins include Chinese, Mexican, African-American, etc... which means we're both exposed to a lot of those cultures and identify with parts of them too. I'm still not sure how to do this... well? Inoffensively?
Anyway, it might help if you can separate the issues a little - the baggage from the adoption from the cultural issues from x from y from z. Because you could have been not adopted and still have similar issues, or been adopted to a different family and had no such issues. >> Therapist.
(*My great-grandmother had an affair, so my grandmother had a half brother who grew up Ukrainian instead of Irish. Look - he had Major Issues from this too. The difference is that we live in a time and place where we can talk about it and get lawyers and therapists and Meet-up groups and online forums and... he didn't. I think as long as you're always asking and working on this, and take into account what YOUR child needs, you'll be fine! Your kid won't be you, they might not even care about their birth culture!)
posted by jrobin276 at 5:15 PM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are therapists who deal exactly with this. (I know one of them, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area. It's a very common problem around here.)
posted by small_ruminant at 1:01 PM on June 22, 2015
posted by small_ruminant at 1:01 PM on June 22, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can't give you specific recommendations, but yes, there's a lot out there on this from a lot of different perspectives. "Transracial adoption" is a search term that would get you pointed in the right direction. Although, be warned, due to Rachel Dolezal using the term transracial there will be a lot of other stuff to wade through right now.
posted by ELind at 3:01 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]