How can I learn to command respect?

June 19, 2015 3:13 PM

I'm tired of being disrespected by friends, family and co-workers and treated like a doormat all the time. What can I change about myself to prevent this from happening constantly?

Hi Metas.

I've come to the realization that I need to make some changes in my personality and the way I come across in social interactions. I find it very difficult to communicate my feelings and set up boundaries for myself in my relationships with other people. To compensate for my chronic low self-esteem, I try to be a really nice person all the time, even when it's really inconvenient for me to do so and it's at the expense of my own self-respect. And it's not that I'm faking being nice. I genuinely enjoy brightening up someone's day and making others feel at ease around me. The problem is that's all anybody sees me as. The nice girl. I don't think too many people actually respect me, my time or my resources.

For instance, my friends call me at all hours of the day when they need someone to listen to their problems. One friend called me at 3AM (this was not the first time) to talk about boyfriend issues. She asked me if I was up when I answered. What I wanted to say was "No I wasn't because it happens to be 3AM at night and I have work in the morning and would rather sleep than listen to you whine about the same thing for the 100th time" but instead I just said "No, but it's ok. What's up?" Clearly, I can't say no to people. This is just one of many many examples. I want to be there for my friends and family but I feel like they've grown so accustomed to it that they see it as a given that because I'm The Nice Girl, it's my job to always help them when they need it, and I'm not even entitled to at least a thank-you. And what really hurts me is that on those very rare occasions that I do reach out to them when I really need someone to talk to, they're too busy for me. It's as if their time is so much more valuable than mine.

And it feels the same way at work. I'm very productive, always stay on task, work over-time if needed and my supervisors will always come to me when other people aren't putting in the work and they need someone to pick up the slack. I make sure to go above and beyond what they need from me. Recently, I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. There were 6 positions offered, and I wasn't selected for even one of them. It wouldn't have bothered me so much had the people that were selected for these positions weren't the same ones that were always slacking off, taking bathroom breaks every half hour and the supervisors themselves complained about constantly. But that's who they picked. I can't help but believe that it's because of my personality, my eagerness to please. They don't respect me enough to promote me.

I do feel hurt by all of this, but I'm definitely not trying to play the victim either. I know that is all boils down to me. I'm the one that is allowing people to treat me in a way that I find disrespectful, particularly where my family and friends are concerned, and I'm the one that needs to do something about it. I'm enabling this by allowing it to go on and not actively voicing my feelings. I'm just not sure where to begin, what to change, or how because I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I want to be a nice person, but also someone that is respected. What can I do to change the way that I feel I'm being treated by those around me.

Thanks, everyone.

posted by KTN to Human Relations (20 answers total)

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posted by jaguar at 3:18 PM on June 19, 2015 [12 favorites]

I think you need to learn to develop self confidence and value yourself before you expect other people to do it for you.

Therapy might be a good start.
posted by discopolo at 3:22 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

"No, but it's ok. What's up?"

Next time, maybe say "No, hun, it's 3AM. Why don't you call me back tomorrow evening after work, OK? Goodnight."

So there, you haven't been nice or nasty. You've just pointed out that it's 3AM and of course you're not up when you have to be at work the next day. You've offered to let her call you back at a reasonable time.

That's how you set boundaries, you know?
posted by tel3path at 3:36 PM on June 19, 2015 [10 favorites]

Setting boundaries can be tough, so it may make sense to start small. Work might be a good place to practice. If you are often scheduled to do new things because others aren't doing their share, you can say no to a project. "I can't do that, I already have a full workload," is non-confrontational and professional.

As for calls late at night...if someone calls you to chat and it's not an emergency, an easy way to set boundaries is to just say, "I'm sleeping right now, but let's get together sometime soon to talk about this. Goodnight!"
posted by xingcat at 3:40 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

Start small. Turn off your phone at night - if you need to, make a facebook/whatever social network post that says something like "Definitely time to take better care of myself - sleep's so important! I'm turning off my phone at night so I won't be tempted. Don't worry when I don't reply to texts - I'm just getting well-rested."

Small steps will add up and as you build boundaries you'll begin to more intuitively respond when someone is trampling on them. And, when you have setbacks, you'll have a base of confidence to draw from and say "hey, I let this person take advantage of me but that doesn't mean I should never stand up for myself again. I did it before and I can do it again."
posted by Mizu at 3:43 PM on June 19, 2015 [7 favorites]

I can't help but believe that it's because of my personality, my eagerness to please. They don't respect me enough to promote me.

That sounds like one of several classic cognitive distortions -- personalization, blame, emotional reasoning, labeling. Other things you say are also ringing the distortion bell for me. Maybe if you think about how you're thinking, you may get better at setting boundaries and increasing your sense of happiness and self-worth.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:47 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

As for work, that story fits neatly into The Gervais Principle, which you should read, perhaps while looking for a new job, or watching "The Office," if you haven't seen it.

As for your friends, if you think they only like you for one thing, stop doing that thing, or start being too busy, tired, etc., deferring that thing until later, the next day, until you go out for drinks next, etc. They'll reveal whether you have any role in their life otherwise. You're obviously a good friend and coworker, conscientious and worth confiding in, the question is whether they are good friends.
posted by rhizome at 3:49 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

One friend called me at 3AM (this was not the first time) to talk about boyfriend issues. She asked me if I was up when I answered. What I wanted to say was

Hey, this one's really easy. Put your phone on bedtime mode. You can do it under time/clock settings. This is great for not just pushy friends but work intrusions, too. Decide for yourself that you deserve YOU time, not to be bothered by other people from X:00-Y:00, set your phone, and all notifications will be silenced.

No more waking up at 3am to a ringing phone, no more alert noises from work emails at 11pm, no more feeling like you have to JUMP at the exact moment anyone says to.

Whenever I see that little crescent moon icon come on my phone it officially turns off whatever "have to care about this" impulse I might have.
posted by phunniemee at 3:49 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think you should ask for feedback at work as to why you weren't considered. Take the answers on board (this is really difficult to do) and think hard about what you may have to change. Ask for help from your employer, maybe for some mentorship or extra training? Open up a conversation at work about this, so that you are on the radar as actually wanting promotion rather than just wanting to please.

It could be that you are seen as a nice person who isn't very ambitious, or that they have doubts over your ability to be demanding enough to manage others. You just wont know unless you ask, and once you have asked you can work towards changing perceptions.
posted by glasseyes at 3:53 PM on June 19, 2015 [10 favorites]

I think you need to realize that you're not being "mean" or rude by simply asserting your own space and boundaries. Saying "no" doesn't mean that you are being a bad friend or colleague. It means that you understand and respect your limits, and in doing so, can behave in a way such that you can sustain yourself and the work that you do. I hate to say it, but part of this is also the way women have been socialized.

You mention your "eagerness to please" -- I don't think this is necessarily a cognitive distortion or excessive self-blame. Rather, it seems like part of you understands what the issue is; in other words, part of you seems to understand that when your work is motivated by approval-seeking, people will start to see you as somebody who will bend to their preferences. But that's not how respect is commanded; great leaders don't spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of them-- instead, they understand that they can't please everybody, and ultimately do as they see fit.

The book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, which came up in a previous AskMe I posted a while back, might be of help.

The answers above mention starting small, and I agree-- aside from smaller changes being more doable, it is also precisely those "small" things that signal to people that they could take advantage. Good luck!
posted by gemutlichkeit at 3:54 PM on June 19, 2015 [4 favorites]

If you think you deserve a promotion, you need to sit down with your manager privately and ask them exactly what you need to do to get more responsibility and get paid more. Then knock the ball out of the park. But oftentimes, people won't give you things unless you specifically ask for it.

I have no idea how your workplace is run - it's possible it's just dysfunctional - but the people who make the best leaders are not necessarily the hardest workers.
posted by pravit at 4:18 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]

As soon as I started sharing my ambitions with work colleagues, I found it more likely for those things to play out. This is a goofy example, but I was in an entry-level position for two years at one of my jobs. People around me who had worked there for a far less amount of time (and chronically showed up late) were being promoted into the supervisory role for that position. I was never one to vocalize that I desired more responsibility, because I try to show that through my actions. But it just didn't work. Once I started vocalizing my intentions, about two months later I was promoted.

Basically, it's okay to say "I want this." Out loud.
posted by blixapuff at 4:20 PM on June 19, 2015 [8 favorites]

A friend of mine recently said to me something like "It's SO GREAT that I can always ask you to babysit, because I trust you to say no if you don't want to do it". Another friend got very sick and found it super distressing and unhelpful to be worrying that his fiance was nursing him at the expense of eating food or sleeping.

If you don't look out for your own sanity and health by putting your own needs first, you're making it everyone else's job to guess whether it's an imposition to ask you a favour.

Of course with superiors at work it's harder to say no, but in that case the magic trick is to say "OK, I have these other two things to do today and all three things won't fit in, which ones shall I prioritise?"
posted by emilyw at 4:27 PM on June 19, 2015 [15 favorites]

I have had friends drunkenly call me at 3am. My response is on the order of "Do you need me to immediately come save you from some dangerous situation? No, then fuck off. [hang up]." We're still friends the next day.

Which is not to say that you should be an asshole. But basically, until you are willing to assert your own needs/desires as being at least as important as theirs, you will have difficulty extracting yourself from doormat territory.

The above is true for friends and family. Coworkers, especially those higher in the org chart, is a much trickier situation.
posted by 256 at 4:52 PM on June 19, 2015 [4 favorites]

Recently, I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. There were 6 positions offered, and I wasn't selected for even one of them. It wouldn't have bothered me so much had the people that were selected for these positions weren't the same ones that were always slacking off, taking bathroom breaks every half hour and the supervisors themselves complained about constantly. But that's who they picked. I can't help but believe that it's because of my personality, my eagerness to please. They don't respect me enough to promote me.

There's a lot of judgement in those sentences. I can tell you as a manager that "taking bathroom breaks" would not at all be a deal breaker for someone who I thought had potential for promotion, nor should it be. Are you sure you have a good view on what your company demands? You might be right, it might be your personality. But from this description I would guess you are overperforming on tasks which you value but which your organisation does not. The cure for that is either to find out what they value and calibrate appropriately, or find a job where the things you do best are the main success factors.
posted by frumiousb at 5:36 PM on June 19, 2015 [9 favorites]

I know it can be tough setting boundaries when you've been a people pleaser all your life, but you're right--when you accommodate people all the time at the expense of your own sanity/financial health/convenience, they don't appreciate it and often don't reciprocate.

One thing that can happen is that you're so used to saying "No problem! I'll do it!" that you say it before you really think about whether it is a problem and whether you want to do it. One way to start setting these boundaries is to say something like "I need to look at my [calendar/workload/bank account] before I make a commitment to this." Then you actually do check, but more importantly, you think about whether this is something you actually want to do/have time for/can accommodate. Then you can go back and say no if you decide not to.

Regarding your promotion, if you have a good relationship with your supervisor, why not sit them down and say "I was really hoping to be promoted, and I'd like to get your feedback on how I can improve my performance to get a promotion the next time one opens up." And try to get some concrete goals that you can accomplish.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:39 PM on June 19, 2015

Bear in mind that your professional experience isn't a fluke -- as far as I can see, it's not the people who take whatever is thrown at them who get promoted. No, it's the people who stand up for themselves and show leadership quality by saying, "No, I can't do this," or "Yes, I can do this now, but let's find a way to stop the problem rather than treat the symptoms." Not only that, but if you show yourself willing to shovel shit, they may honestly not want to promote you because who else would shovel shit for them?

Also, I think your question as posed reflects that you know this, but respect is given to people who don't crater under pressure. To the extent that you are meekly taking on work that everyone knows (a) isn't your job and (b) you don't have time for, you are giving everyone permission to walk all over you and, in so doing, you have told them it's okay not to respect your time, or your intelligence. Also, don't expect your supervisors to know you from your work or from keeping your head down. If you are combining your shit-shoveling abilities with a meek demeanor, you won't be seen as leadership material, and you don't get to be known by the decision makers. You need to interact with decision makers on the level of equals, obviously, you don't give them work to do, but you can chat with them like you and they are on the same level personally. People want to promote people they like, and people who they think (consciously or unconsciously) agree with them and think like them.
posted by janey47 at 7:17 PM on June 19, 2015 [6 favorites]

I think you answered your own question: you need to set boundaries. There is a wonderful self-help book called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life. It's written by two Christian authors but it has tons of advice that applies to the secular crowd. If I remember correctly, there are about a thousand iterations of Matthew 7:5 ("You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.") If you can stomach this, then I can't recommend the book highly enough.
posted by Mr. Fig at 10:12 AM on June 20, 2015

> "I want to be a nice person, but also someone that is respected."

Hopefully it doesn't seem rude of me to point out,.. that "niceness" and "being respected" are NOT necessarily tied together. (One does not automatically guarantee the other). For clarity,.. "being an asshole" and "being respected" aren't necessarily tied together either, as much as the stereotype seems to imply.

I wanted to come back and give my advice,.. because your question echoes so many of my own struggles (when I was your age). I'm now 42yrs old.

When I was in my 20's and 30's... I tried to be really nice and nonjudgmental to everyone. I worked really incredibly hard (like to exhaustion/knuckles literally bleeding). I volunteered and donated lots of money and just generally tried as hard as I could in every single area of my life to be awesome. And you know what it got me ?... Jack shit. (sorry if that sounds bluntly cynical.. ) It never got me ahead. It never got me respected. It never got me any of the goals or personal achievements that I desperately wanted.

To be quite honest (and to echo other comments being made here).. I simply had to start putting myself (unquestionably) 1st. When I need "me time"--- I take "me time". (and I don't feel guilty about it). Whether that's 15minutes... or 3 days. I take it. And I put myself 1st. I've stopped volunteering. I stopped helping other people. I stopped over-extending myself at work. I basically cut-out/removed anything from my life where I was expending resources that weren't being returned.

I also stopped caring about "respect". I don't give a fuck whether people respect me or not. I basically look for tasks/goals,.. and then brainstorm ways of achieving them that don't necessitate other people's "approval".

There's nothing you can do in life to guarantee that other people will respect you. You sorta have to start taking the Buddhist outlook of being unattached to outcomes. Do the things you need/want to do,.. and don't allow yourself to become attached to the outcomes.

As an example, for me personally--- I take great personal pride in the work I do (and the quality-level of how I do it). I don't do it simply because I'm hoping it gets me promoted. On any random day of the week I might be presenting a training curriculum to a crowd of 50 in an auditorium,.. and the next day I might be dirty/sweating in a t-shirt climbing over a pile of eWaste (electronic/recycling) with a bunch of Temp/Hourly workers (whom I treat just the same as if they were my CEO).

You've got to put yourself 1st. ,.. and you've got to respect yourself. That's about all you have control over. Stop worrying about everything else you don't have control over.
posted by jmnugent at 3:59 PM on June 20, 2015 [5 favorites]

"Recently, I applied for a promotion and didn't get it. There were 6 positions offered, and I wasn't selected for even one of them. It wouldn't have bothered me so much had the people that were selected for these positions weren't the same ones that were always slacking off, taking bathroom breaks every half hour and the supervisors themselves complained about constantly."

Yep. I could've told you that was exactly who they were going to pick because very often that's how it works. People don't promote the excellent mail guy who sorts all the mail perfectly and stays late to do it all. After all, who else could they possibly find to do the mail that well and spend that much time on it for the same exact amount of money as everyone else who doesn't go above and beyond like that? So you make sure THAT excellent mail guy STAYS the excellent mail guy. If you need to promote from the mail room you'll get someone whom you don't feel you'll miss having in the mail room.

There are some exceptions to this rule- Such as, if this excellent mail guy also happens to be incredibly likeable and wins people over easily. But people who go overtime and pick up other people's slack aren't usually these types. Then the boss might say- Hey, I'd love to promote excellent mail guy so that he'll be on my floor and I can be around him more often... but these exceptions don't exist as often.

Basically, you've proven that you are essential to have in that department. They are never going to find someone who will work overtime and pick up everyone else's slack for the same amount of money as someone who wouldn't do these things. So they know to keep you where you are. You are the slacker-pickker-upper and promoting you means losing their slacker-picker-upper.

I can suggest that you stop working even 5 minutes later than you're supposed to and stop picking up other people's slack... but since they are so used to you being this way, they may pretty much demand it from you now even though they don't from anyone else. Just giving you that heads up. If I were you, I'd do it anyway. Worst case scenerio you can get a job at another company and make sure not to get anyone used to you this way again.

To get promoted you need to show that you would be more valuable elsewhere than where you are now. If they know they won't find anyone the same or better for your spot now.... then that's where you're going to stay.
posted by rancher at 9:27 PM on June 22, 2015 [1 favorite]