How can our family transition (esp. young son) to less screen time?
June 19, 2015 2:18 PM Subscribe
Right now everyone in our family, but especially my young son, watches too much TV (or shows on iPad). I'd like to cut it down a lot ideally, but realistically to under what is generally recommended the "safe maximum" for young children.
Everything I've read online suggests that 2 hours is around the maximum amount of screen time that very young (4 and under) children should be exposed to each day. This isn't even taking into account many other studies which suggest even minimal amounts of TV watching correspond with a lot of development issues.
This is what a day currently looks like:
My job is computer-related so I am already behind a screen nearly 8 hours a day before anything else. Right now I am spending a majority of my life behind a screen and it is unnerving. I have accepted that I probably will be in the field of programming for a while, so cutting down on work-related screen time isn't really in the cards, but I'd like to cut down on recreational screen time at least.
Here's what I would like to happen:
Everything I've read online suggests that 2 hours is around the maximum amount of screen time that very young (4 and under) children should be exposed to each day. This isn't even taking into account many other studies which suggest even minimal amounts of TV watching correspond with a lot of development issues.
This is what a day currently looks like:
- Son (almost 4) goes to daycare until noon, at which point my wife picks him up and has him for the rest of the work day
- When he gets back, he eats a little lunch and the TV goes on almost immediately. He hangs out in the TV room, sometimes paying attention to the screen, sometimes paying attention to his toys.
- TV may be substituted with DVDs or iPad (where he watches shows on YouTube)
- It goes like this until around 5:30 when I am done with work, at which point if I am not too tired and he is willing I will drag him from the TV room to go do something moderately active outside.
- Between dinner time and going-to-bed time the TV is often on in the TV room, and we regularly watch it while eating dinner.
- Sometimes, if I am tired, and or need to make dinner, do other chores, or complete unfinished work, he will continue hanging out in the TV room until it is time for bed at around 7:30
- We hang out in his room until he is "ready" to go to sleep, at which point my wife comes in and "tucks him in" although often this takes a long time if he is not willing to settle down.
- Afterwards, it's not uncommon for my wife and I to be on our laptops or watching a show together.
My job is computer-related so I am already behind a screen nearly 8 hours a day before anything else. Right now I am spending a majority of my life behind a screen and it is unnerving. I have accepted that I probably will be in the field of programming for a while, so cutting down on work-related screen time isn't really in the cards, but I'd like to cut down on recreational screen time at least.
Here's what I would like to happen:
- My son watches a maximum of two hours of TV each day
- In the past, we have tried a "no screen time after x-o-clock" for the whole family but have never succeeded in doing it more than a day or two. I'd like to try that again, and ideally maybe start it earlier in the evening so we have more family time together
- I'd like to switch to having our meals at the table rather than on the couch
- I'd like my son to be exposed to more activities. I worry that right now the majority of his mental stimulation is taking place in the 3-4 hours he gets at school
- My wife has extremely low energy, probably stemming from one or more of her chronic health conditions. Tackling these conditions is another can of worms entirely, but for now it means that she probably can't be as active as other moms are. She spends a lot of afternoons sitting on the couch, usually resting and often on her laptop. She does interact with our son and reads books, etc. but a majority of the time he is watching TV and she is hanging out with him while he does so.
- My son has some development issues which complicate matters somewhat. He's resistant to transitions and can be very challenging to keep in control. He enjoys roughhousing, which I can generally handle but is sometimes too much for my wife.
- I've tried to voice my concerns about this in the past, but each time I do my wife sees it, not as having problems with the situation but instead criticizing her as a mother. As a result she gets defensive and the conversation gets nowhere.
- What are some concrete steps the whole family can do to reduce screen time?
- How can I be supportive of my wife and take her needs and challenges into consideration?
- What are some effective ways to transition kids who are used to lots of screen time?
- What are good activities for both kids and grownups that can take the place of screen time?
- Are there any good references out there which talk about the health effects of TV watching in concrete terms?
- Are there any good guides to cutting down screen time?
Well, my take is, it's not going to work to assign your wife to deal with this while you're at work. She has to be totally on-board for this to be effective. If she's not on board, then I really would suggest you don't try to force this on her, instead, work on the screen time that happens while you are home and ignore the rest. It will still be a marked reduction.
Anyway, I'd start with:
- Never eat in front of TV. That's just a hard rule and if you and your wife indulge it's only after kid is asleep. Corresponding, set the habit of sitting down to dinner together, even if it's cereal.
- Initiate more non-TV activities after dinner and on weekends. This part is on you, since you're going to need your wife to deal with the after-school time alone. Specific ideas: board games! Back yard games (frisbee, hula hoops, sidewalk chalk), crafts/jewelry making/art making, cooking. (Most kids LOVE cooking. Find a simple cookie recipe, and let kid do most of the work. It's OK if they come out imperfect)
- Make a rule about weekend screen time: you get 4 hours total all weekend seems like a good start, but if possible, the kid will generate the specific number himself. Let kid have as much autonomy as possible in choosing how or when to use the allotted screen time.
- Don't use TV as a babysitter. That means you have to be much more "on" and focused with your kid than you're used to. Multitasking becomes much harder. You have to really change your mindset for this to work – when there’s no screens, parenting is not a thing to do in the background.
- Get out of the house on weekends: go to the park, go to the pool, get a cheap kite, ride bikes, take a kid/parent yoga or dance class together. (Right now my 12 year old and I are taking swing dance together and it's super fun and family building). If kid resists these new activities, try the choice thing: “Do you want to try going for a bike ride, or taking a trip to the park?”, instead of “Do you want to try going for a bike ride?”
- Buy a pile of puzzle books, maze books, goofy comic books that are easy and fun for his level of reading (not "good for you" books). Leave them in easy reach. Make sure the Legos and blocks are in easy reach - like on the floor.
- When you decide it's time, sit down as a family to talk about this. Explain the worries you have about screen time. Maybe share some kid appropriate materials from Turn off the TV Week or whatnot. Try to elicit his suggestions for limitations. My daughter came up with her own current screen time limit and that makes it much more enforceable.
- Whatever plan you make, stick with it. Whining, crying, tantruming does not earn the kid TV, period.
My kid didn't really see any screens till she was 2. Then she had a max of a few hours a week for several years. Now, at 12, She now watches maybe 3-5 hours a week. Maybe as much as 7 hours with all computing and phone use (still has a “dumb” phone, no ipad). She does get bored. But boredom sparks creativity: she’s been diligently working on a novel since the start of the school year. She also spends a fair amount of time just spacing out in the back yard. This is valuable brain recovery time in my book!
posted by latkes at 2:43 PM on June 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
Anyway, I'd start with:
- Never eat in front of TV. That's just a hard rule and if you and your wife indulge it's only after kid is asleep. Corresponding, set the habit of sitting down to dinner together, even if it's cereal.
- Initiate more non-TV activities after dinner and on weekends. This part is on you, since you're going to need your wife to deal with the after-school time alone. Specific ideas: board games! Back yard games (frisbee, hula hoops, sidewalk chalk), crafts/jewelry making/art making, cooking. (Most kids LOVE cooking. Find a simple cookie recipe, and let kid do most of the work. It's OK if they come out imperfect)
- Make a rule about weekend screen time: you get 4 hours total all weekend seems like a good start, but if possible, the kid will generate the specific number himself. Let kid have as much autonomy as possible in choosing how or when to use the allotted screen time.
- Don't use TV as a babysitter. That means you have to be much more "on" and focused with your kid than you're used to. Multitasking becomes much harder. You have to really change your mindset for this to work – when there’s no screens, parenting is not a thing to do in the background.
- Get out of the house on weekends: go to the park, go to the pool, get a cheap kite, ride bikes, take a kid/parent yoga or dance class together. (Right now my 12 year old and I are taking swing dance together and it's super fun and family building). If kid resists these new activities, try the choice thing: “Do you want to try going for a bike ride, or taking a trip to the park?”, instead of “Do you want to try going for a bike ride?”
- Buy a pile of puzzle books, maze books, goofy comic books that are easy and fun for his level of reading (not "good for you" books). Leave them in easy reach. Make sure the Legos and blocks are in easy reach - like on the floor.
- When you decide it's time, sit down as a family to talk about this. Explain the worries you have about screen time. Maybe share some kid appropriate materials from Turn off the TV Week or whatnot. Try to elicit his suggestions for limitations. My daughter came up with her own current screen time limit and that makes it much more enforceable.
- Whatever plan you make, stick with it. Whining, crying, tantruming does not earn the kid TV, period.
My kid didn't really see any screens till she was 2. Then she had a max of a few hours a week for several years. Now, at 12, She now watches maybe 3-5 hours a week. Maybe as much as 7 hours with all computing and phone use (still has a “dumb” phone, no ipad). She does get bored. But boredom sparks creativity: she’s been diligently working on a novel since the start of the school year. She also spends a fair amount of time just spacing out in the back yard. This is valuable brain recovery time in my book!
posted by latkes at 2:43 PM on June 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yeah, your local YMCA might have an affordable after school program that focuses on physical activity and art.
posted by latkes at 2:43 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by latkes at 2:43 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do you have a yard and is it fenced? Reposition your wireless router so your wife can get a good signal outdoors and set up a nice shady area near the house for her with an excellent lawn chair and a nice side table. She can relax outdoors in the shade passively supervising him while he play in the yard.
If your yard is boring, make a mud hole and give him a bunch of toy construction vehicles and sand toys he can use in the mud hole; this will keep him busy for at least a couple of hours a day. Don't worry about what a wreck he makes of the yard or how dirty he gets -- we literally hose our children off before letting them come back in the house. (We warn people how dirty their kids are going to get before they bring them over and they NEVER BELIEVE US. REALLY REALLY DIRTY.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:47 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
If your yard is boring, make a mud hole and give him a bunch of toy construction vehicles and sand toys he can use in the mud hole; this will keep him busy for at least a couple of hours a day. Don't worry about what a wreck he makes of the yard or how dirty he gets -- we literally hose our children off before letting them come back in the house. (We warn people how dirty their kids are going to get before they bring them over and they NEVER BELIEVE US. REALLY REALLY DIRTY.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:47 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Holy crap, that's a lot of TV.
Some relevant questions:
- is it possible for your son to spend more time at daycare? What if he stayed til 3 or 3:30, came home and spent a bit of relaxing (possibly TV) time with your wife, and you took him back out after dinner? This is really the most obvious solution.
- barring that, hire a mother's helper? Are there any junior high or high school kids in your neighborhood that could come roughhouse or take him to the park?
- he could have storytime when he gets home.
- wrt eating dinner at the table, this is something you just do. You can start with being relatively permissive about letting your son leave the table early when he's done, and slowly increase the time he's expected to stay. Is your wife on board?
- wrt activities: building lego/duplo as a family is something my kids LOVE to do. Find a toy he likes, play with it with him. And read stories.
- is he able to play with toys on his own? What if you got him active toys like an indoor trampoline? Sounds like he could stand to burn off more energy.
posted by telepanda at 2:50 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some relevant questions:
- is it possible for your son to spend more time at daycare? What if he stayed til 3 or 3:30, came home and spent a bit of relaxing (possibly TV) time with your wife, and you took him back out after dinner? This is really the most obvious solution.
- barring that, hire a mother's helper? Are there any junior high or high school kids in your neighborhood that could come roughhouse or take him to the park?
- he could have storytime when he gets home.
- wrt eating dinner at the table, this is something you just do. You can start with being relatively permissive about letting your son leave the table early when he's done, and slowly increase the time he's expected to stay. Is your wife on board?
- wrt activities: building lego/duplo as a family is something my kids LOVE to do. Find a toy he likes, play with it with him. And read stories.
- is he able to play with toys on his own? What if you got him active toys like an indoor trampoline? Sounds like he could stand to burn off more energy.
posted by telepanda at 2:50 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
The YMCA is a great idea. Not only are there programs possibly available, they often have childcare play room areas. Now, one issue is that I don't know your child needs more care then they would provide, but it is something to look into, assuming your wife would be have the energy to take him. You do have to stay on-site, but even just today I took my young child and sat with a book in the lobby. There are other rules, which I don't know if are specific to our YMCA , but it's only up to an hour and a half a day, for a total of nine hours a week, but I've never needed more than that.
Also, what about a school-age helper to engage him after 3pm or so, until you are settled in from work. You could have art supplies, puzzles, books, etc. so that the helper would have activities to do with your child. Even just one day a week might make for a happier household.
And while I have other ideas, I am also going to say that many, many parents struggle with these issues and, well, your child will likely have a longer school day sooner rather than later, and some of these issues may take care of themselves. Although it is good to think about screen time and discuss it as a family.
posted by dawg-proud at 2:58 PM on June 19, 2015
Also, what about a school-age helper to engage him after 3pm or so, until you are settled in from work. You could have art supplies, puzzles, books, etc. so that the helper would have activities to do with your child. Even just one day a week might make for a happier household.
And while I have other ideas, I am also going to say that many, many parents struggle with these issues and, well, your child will likely have a longer school day sooner rather than later, and some of these issues may take care of themselves. Although it is good to think about screen time and discuss it as a family.
posted by dawg-proud at 2:58 PM on June 19, 2015
I've tried to voice my concerns about this in the past, but each time I do my wife sees it, not as having problems with the situation but instead criticizing her as a mother. As a result she gets defensive and the conversation gets nowhere.
I think you may have better luck starting with small changes. Especially with meal time.
I'd say something like, "Since I spend all day at work in front of the computer, I would like to start watching less TV in the evenings, can we start eating meals at the table?"
posted by Gygesringtone at 3:02 PM on June 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think you may have better luck starting with small changes. Especially with meal time.
I'd say something like, "Since I spend all day at work in front of the computer, I would like to start watching less TV in the evenings, can we start eating meals at the table?"
posted by Gygesringtone at 3:02 PM on June 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Realistically, your family is using the TV as an after daycare babysitter. This may be due to habit or it may be due to your wife's energy limitations or it may be due to the difficulty in managing your son. It doesn't matter; in order to address the TV issue, you need to address the babysitter problem.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:06 PM on June 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:06 PM on June 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
This essay was making the rounds recently. The author allows unlimited screen time as long as a specific list of requirements is met - chores, homework, physical and/or creative activity (plus a few others).
I don't have kids, but even I am tempted to structure my screen time around similar constraints.
posted by O9scar at 3:42 PM on June 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't have kids, but even I am tempted to structure my screen time around similar constraints.
posted by O9scar at 3:42 PM on June 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Two more thoughts:
1) one thing that's helped us handle screen time with our inflexible transition-averse child is to have rigidly defined rules about when screen time occurs. For us, iPad time is on airplanes and at the doctor's office. And we watch one show Sunday after nap. This way there is an external authority to refer to: is it Sunday? Did you have a nap yet? No? Then, gosh, I'm just as bummed as you are, but the clock says it's not TV time. In your case I suggest that the Tv goes off when Dad walks in the door and it stays off til after kid is in bed. The only thing is, you have to adhere religiously to the plan to stop the whining, because if the kid senses ANY CHANCE that you'll cave, he'll do his best to make you.
2) hiring help sounded really intimidating til we did it, but it's not that bad and it's been life altering. We have used Sittercity successfully. You could pay less and get someone just to see after the kid, or a bit more and get help with household tasks so you have more time and energy to devote to him. It sounds like your son could benefit from more focused interaction, regardless of whether it's from a parent or a helper.
posted by telepanda at 3:45 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
1) one thing that's helped us handle screen time with our inflexible transition-averse child is to have rigidly defined rules about when screen time occurs. For us, iPad time is on airplanes and at the doctor's office. And we watch one show Sunday after nap. This way there is an external authority to refer to: is it Sunday? Did you have a nap yet? No? Then, gosh, I'm just as bummed as you are, but the clock says it's not TV time. In your case I suggest that the Tv goes off when Dad walks in the door and it stays off til after kid is in bed. The only thing is, you have to adhere religiously to the plan to stop the whining, because if the kid senses ANY CHANCE that you'll cave, he'll do his best to make you.
2) hiring help sounded really intimidating til we did it, but it's not that bad and it's been life altering. We have used Sittercity successfully. You could pay less and get someone just to see after the kid, or a bit more and get help with household tasks so you have more time and energy to devote to him. It sounds like your son could benefit from more focused interaction, regardless of whether it's from a parent or a helper.
posted by telepanda at 3:45 PM on June 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
This essay was making the rounds recently. The author allows unlimited screen time as long as a specific list of requirements is met - chores, homework, physical and/or creative activity (plus a few others).
This was pretty much exactly the system my parents had growing up... but it doesn't really work until you're about, eh, 10.
When you're 4, or even 8, it's not like you're walking the dog alone or cleaning up the house, nor is there homework to get done. It's a good plan, but one that only works when the kid(s) are older.
posted by emptythought at 4:28 PM on June 19, 2015
This was pretty much exactly the system my parents had growing up... but it doesn't really work until you're about, eh, 10.
When you're 4, or even 8, it's not like you're walking the dog alone or cleaning up the house, nor is there homework to get done. It's a good plan, but one that only works when the kid(s) are older.
posted by emptythought at 4:28 PM on June 19, 2015
What are good activities for both kids and grownups that can take the place of screen time?
Lego, puzzles, reading, colouring pages, board games, card games, arts and crafts, a sensory table (with water, sand, soil etc), play dough/clay, simple cooking (maybe make dinner together), storytelling (have him tell a story to his mother and then she can read it back to him while he acts it out), basic gardening, story-writing (have him tell a story and his mother can write the words on the bottom of the page, they can draw the pictures together), basic science experiments, dominoes, photography (kid can take pictures too), scrapbooking, doctor/nurse play with teddies/dolls, some kind of scavenger hunt in the house or backyard, beading. Have a few quality toys and building materials accessible too.
This lady just made a post about tv-free summer activities.
Perhaps not what you're looking for, but as a quick fix could you move the tv so that your kid's play room and the tv room are not one and the same?
posted by eisforcool at 5:19 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Lego, puzzles, reading, colouring pages, board games, card games, arts and crafts, a sensory table (with water, sand, soil etc), play dough/clay, simple cooking (maybe make dinner together), storytelling (have him tell a story to his mother and then she can read it back to him while he acts it out), basic gardening, story-writing (have him tell a story and his mother can write the words on the bottom of the page, they can draw the pictures together), basic science experiments, dominoes, photography (kid can take pictures too), scrapbooking, doctor/nurse play with teddies/dolls, some kind of scavenger hunt in the house or backyard, beading. Have a few quality toys and building materials accessible too.
This lady just made a post about tv-free summer activities.
Perhaps not what you're looking for, but as a quick fix could you move the tv so that your kid's play room and the tv room are not one and the same?
posted by eisforcool at 5:19 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Unless there are grave financial reasons that your 4 year old isn't in daycare the second half of the day, why not start there?
Then transition away from eating dinner in front of TV.
IPad is a treat only.
posted by k8t at 5:37 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Then transition away from eating dinner in front of TV.
IPad is a treat only.
posted by k8t at 5:37 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing more time in daycare. Is he only there half days for financial reasons, because the long days were hard on him, or because your wife wanted more time with him? The first may be unfixable. The second may work better if you shop around for different programs that may give him more downtime. As for the third, perhaps your wife will agree that quality time is more important than quantity, and perhaps having afternoons 100% to herself might give her a little more energy in the evenings? (I know it doesn't exactly work that way, but maybe.)
posted by metasarah at 5:45 PM on June 19, 2015
posted by metasarah at 5:45 PM on June 19, 2015
Start with the easiest options. Pick one thing and change it. Let it stabilize, then go to the next.
I'd start with eliminating TV during dinner and perhaps for the 30 min after dinner. It will help with fostering a family environment.
From there, I'd look at what babysitting you can bring into your day. Even having someone come for 2 hours a day would have a big effect on TV viewing. Maybe this person could also help with some light household chores.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:49 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd start with eliminating TV during dinner and perhaps for the 30 min after dinner. It will help with fostering a family environment.
From there, I'd look at what babysitting you can bring into your day. Even having someone come for 2 hours a day would have a big effect on TV viewing. Maybe this person could also help with some light household chores.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:49 PM on June 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not a parent so feel free to ignore this but are there any neighbors with small kids nearby? I'm from the "go outside and play" or when older "come back when it's dark" era so this is probably outdated but at 4, I played in a kiddie pool with my friends, made mud pies (why do kids do this) and learned to ride a bike. I still watched too much TV but we got put outside when we got on our mom's nerves.
I'm sure your son has friends at daycare but his home life sounds a bit lonely. Is it too weird to keep an eye out for kids playing, go knock on their door and introduce yourself to the parents and see if they're interested in play dates? Having neighborhood friends was such a big thing for me as a kid and made life more fun.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:20 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm sure your son has friends at daycare but his home life sounds a bit lonely. Is it too weird to keep an eye out for kids playing, go knock on their door and introduce yourself to the parents and see if they're interested in play dates? Having neighborhood friends was such a big thing for me as a kid and made life more fun.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:20 PM on June 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's actually pretty hard to find evidence that screen time per se is bad. (It's easy to find evidence that kids from poor families do worse on average, and that kids from poor families watch more TV on average, but maybe we shouldn't blame the effects of poverty on TV.)
That said, I grew up in a TV-free household, and still avoid video as an adult. I notice that a lot of my friends, who are more comfortable with video than I am, will use television or YouTube for background noise. When I want a bit of distraction while I'm doing something else, I listen to NPR or music or podcasts. Maybe you could substitute a podcast habit for some of the family TV habit?
posted by yarntheory at 6:38 AM on June 20, 2015
That said, I grew up in a TV-free household, and still avoid video as an adult. I notice that a lot of my friends, who are more comfortable with video than I am, will use television or YouTube for background noise. When I want a bit of distraction while I'm doing something else, I listen to NPR or music or podcasts. Maybe you could substitute a podcast habit for some of the family TV habit?
posted by yarntheory at 6:38 AM on June 20, 2015
Playing with young children is really, really exhausting (and boring), unless you have a special talent and interest in playing with kids. Like, I love my son, but playing with him takes so much creativity and energy, and I'm just not an imaginative person. I highly recommend extending his daycare hours or hiring a mother's helper type person to come hang out with the kid. That's a surefire solution to the problem.
Are there any parks or playgrounds that she can stop at on her way home with him? Getting kids that age outside as long as possible is possibly the easiest way to parent while not expending all your adult energy reserves- the kid gets to run around and get his energy out, probably with other kids, and mom can sit on a bench and watch (or mess around on her phone or read a book, there is nothing wrong with letting the kid play with other kids and not be 100% involved in that interaction).
We take kind of an opposite track from most people on screen time, we let our kid watch tv while he eats, but he doesn't really watch tv any other time. It provides a built in time limit, because they're not eating dinner for 2 hours, and it lets the adults eat our meals in relative peace, too. I know watching tv during meals is breaking one of the parenting golden rules, but it works well for us. If you want to try this route for limiting screen time, you can set up an ipad on the table so it gets you all off the couch and at the table (also, when you're sitting at the table watching tv it's not as comfy as on couch, so you're less likely to linger as long as you might on the cozy couch).
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 8:25 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are there any parks or playgrounds that she can stop at on her way home with him? Getting kids that age outside as long as possible is possibly the easiest way to parent while not expending all your adult energy reserves- the kid gets to run around and get his energy out, probably with other kids, and mom can sit on a bench and watch (or mess around on her phone or read a book, there is nothing wrong with letting the kid play with other kids and not be 100% involved in that interaction).
We take kind of an opposite track from most people on screen time, we let our kid watch tv while he eats, but he doesn't really watch tv any other time. It provides a built in time limit, because they're not eating dinner for 2 hours, and it lets the adults eat our meals in relative peace, too. I know watching tv during meals is breaking one of the parenting golden rules, but it works well for us. If you want to try this route for limiting screen time, you can set up an ipad on the table so it gets you all off the couch and at the table (also, when you're sitting at the table watching tv it's not as comfy as on couch, so you're less likely to linger as long as you might on the cozy couch).
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 8:25 AM on June 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Here is an article I just read on the topic.
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:56 AM on June 20, 2015
posted by Obscure Reference at 10:56 AM on June 20, 2015
Definitely think upping daycare time will help as will your public library.
If you can't up daycare, check out young kid programming at your library. Ours has story times, music classes, and a whole host of other activities year round that are FREE.
Our library also has a 1,000 books before kindergarten challenge. You get a paper with 250 bubbles. You color one bubble for each book. Turn in the sheet when done to get the next one.
Or play dates with other families. Do you have a local toY store with a play area? You don't have to buy anything.
Can you get a membership to a play space so the routine becomes mom picks up kid, goes to play space, eat lunch that mom brought, play for two hours, then hopefully nap time?
Unlimited coloring books. Play dough. Cooking activities. Baths are also really popular here.
I am not the best at entertaining my kids, either. I'm the mom, not the playmate.
posted by zizzle at 10:51 AM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you can't up daycare, check out young kid programming at your library. Ours has story times, music classes, and a whole host of other activities year round that are FREE.
Our library also has a 1,000 books before kindergarten challenge. You get a paper with 250 bubbles. You color one bubble for each book. Turn in the sheet when done to get the next one.
Or play dates with other families. Do you have a local toY store with a play area? You don't have to buy anything.
Can you get a membership to a play space so the routine becomes mom picks up kid, goes to play space, eat lunch that mom brought, play for two hours, then hopefully nap time?
Unlimited coloring books. Play dough. Cooking activities. Baths are also really popular here.
I am not the best at entertaining my kids, either. I'm the mom, not the playmate.
posted by zizzle at 10:51 AM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not a high energy mom myself. And for a while, when he was 3 to 4 1/2 I had health issues and all I wanted to do and did was sleep. But even now that everything is medically fine I am still low energy.
I think the posters pointing out that you need to approach this form the angle of wanting to reduce your own screen time are absolutely right. Speak of you own need to reduce screen time. When you get home take charge of your son's entertainment and switch it off. But don't expect your wife to conform to some ideal.
I think the best thing you both can do is extend the time he spends in day care, if this is at all financially and practically possible. My son attend until 3:30pm, since he is three. At first I was really opposed to that (but my work schedule made it impossible) but now I can see how much he benefitted and still benefits. He is an only child, and this way he gets to interact with otehr children his age and also other adults besides me and dad. If I had to pick him up each day at 12 he would spend a lot more time in front of a screen too.
What has worked during my health crisis and works for us now is stopping at a park or playground along the way home. Neither my son (he is 6 1/2 now) nor I want to go out again once we are home, but as suggested above: just stop at a park or playground, sit on a bench in the shade and watch. I actually hate playgrounds and talking to other moms, but yet I know by experience it is some of the easiest time to myself. So I looked around a little and found one that is comfortable to sit (for me) and enjoyable for my son to play at. The key there was to identify the playground the parents of his friends use. If there is even just one other kid there he knows, they are off together literally for hours. I only need to be sure to bring enough reading material for myself, and some snacks. At four he still might like sand toys but even just some small action figures will be enough. If I poke my nose in a book, hardly anyone will talk to me. We stay as long as possible, sometimes in summer I bring a dinner we can share there picnic style, and only go home when it is time to go to bed.
Something we do when the park is not an option are board games (find out which ones they do in day care, this will make it easier if you have the same ones and the teachers have already taught him the rules, just be sure to know the same ones, 4 ry olds can be terrribly legalistic at that).
Also for rainy days we have a LOT of Playmobil and Lego. When he was 4 he loved the Duplo (Lego for younger kids) and built stuff for hours while I watched from the couch. And his wooden Brio train set, we bought enough rails (second hand) so he can build it from one room to the next down the hall, and let it stay up for days, and Thomas engines with batteries.
Playmobil is great also, but I think our son only got into it with about 5.
One thing I actively do to keep screen time down at our house, is that I try not to use the notebook or Ipad when he is around. Because when he sees me use it, he wants it too. Same for the TV.
So I read books and magazines in paper, not digitally. He does not mind at all if I read next to him playing. But if I use the Ipad or notebook every single time it ends with him wanting to use it too.
Also, we do what the poster above described: dinner time is our only TV time. We watch cooking shows or animal documentaries or basically anything not specifically made for kids (as I cannot stand kids tv at all). And it gives a natural time limit to both the meal and TV watching.
posted by 15L06 at 1:58 PM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think the posters pointing out that you need to approach this form the angle of wanting to reduce your own screen time are absolutely right. Speak of you own need to reduce screen time. When you get home take charge of your son's entertainment and switch it off. But don't expect your wife to conform to some ideal.
I think the best thing you both can do is extend the time he spends in day care, if this is at all financially and practically possible. My son attend until 3:30pm, since he is three. At first I was really opposed to that (but my work schedule made it impossible) but now I can see how much he benefitted and still benefits. He is an only child, and this way he gets to interact with otehr children his age and also other adults besides me and dad. If I had to pick him up each day at 12 he would spend a lot more time in front of a screen too.
What has worked during my health crisis and works for us now is stopping at a park or playground along the way home. Neither my son (he is 6 1/2 now) nor I want to go out again once we are home, but as suggested above: just stop at a park or playground, sit on a bench in the shade and watch. I actually hate playgrounds and talking to other moms, but yet I know by experience it is some of the easiest time to myself. So I looked around a little and found one that is comfortable to sit (for me) and enjoyable for my son to play at. The key there was to identify the playground the parents of his friends use. If there is even just one other kid there he knows, they are off together literally for hours. I only need to be sure to bring enough reading material for myself, and some snacks. At four he still might like sand toys but even just some small action figures will be enough. If I poke my nose in a book, hardly anyone will talk to me. We stay as long as possible, sometimes in summer I bring a dinner we can share there picnic style, and only go home when it is time to go to bed.
Something we do when the park is not an option are board games (find out which ones they do in day care, this will make it easier if you have the same ones and the teachers have already taught him the rules, just be sure to know the same ones, 4 ry olds can be terrribly legalistic at that).
Also for rainy days we have a LOT of Playmobil and Lego. When he was 4 he loved the Duplo (Lego for younger kids) and built stuff for hours while I watched from the couch. And his wooden Brio train set, we bought enough rails (second hand) so he can build it from one room to the next down the hall, and let it stay up for days, and Thomas engines with batteries.
Playmobil is great also, but I think our son only got into it with about 5.
One thing I actively do to keep screen time down at our house, is that I try not to use the notebook or Ipad when he is around. Because when he sees me use it, he wants it too. Same for the TV.
So I read books and magazines in paper, not digitally. He does not mind at all if I read next to him playing. But if I use the Ipad or notebook every single time it ends with him wanting to use it too.
Also, we do what the poster above described: dinner time is our only TV time. We watch cooking shows or animal documentaries or basically anything not specifically made for kids (as I cannot stand kids tv at all). And it gives a natural time limit to both the meal and TV watching.
posted by 15L06 at 1:58 PM on June 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your son is only 3 1/2 years old and "It is not all that unusual for him to be in the presence of turned-on screen or TV for 6+ hours at a time. I would say this happens at least once a week." Um, wow. No wonder he is so hard to put to bed at night! He is getting a lot of stimulation/light from these devices, but I digress. As the mother of 2 kids who are almost 8 and 6, I just want to validate your concerns that this high amount of screen time (he gets over triple the recommended dose) is excessive and is straight-up unhealthy for a young preschooler. The lack of physical activity and/or other sorts of hands-on enriching activities for a boy under the age of 4, who has the unique privilege of being cared for by a SAHM, is profoundly not ok, and to be honest, this is reading like a real missed opportunity for him. As so many of these comments have suggested, he should be doing cool things both inside and outside of the house, and around other kids and people. I'm guessing your wife acts so defensive when you bring this up because deep down she knows she is not meeting certain unspoken professional-class American norms and social expectations around the raising of your son, but she either does not want to change or cannot change. Frankly, I'm worried for her and wonder if she is in denial about her lack of ability to meet your sons needs for activity and attention in the afternoon, due to her chronic health conditions (this reads like it possibly includes some un/under-treated depression). Sounds like she needs some good self-care, including someone to take your son off her hands in the afternoons. Chronic illness super sucks. Hugs to you all.
Realistically, your child would no doubt be better served by attending full-day, screen-free daycare/preschool where he could play with other kids instead of spending his afternoons stuck at home, primarily in front of the TV.
"In the past, we have tried a "no screen time after x-o-clock" for the whole family but have never succeeded in doing it more than a day or two."
Figure out exactly why you've collectively failed at making this particular change in habit. I'm guessing it's because cutting back is 100% your own idea, but because your wife really, really enjoys watching TV, and is so used to the status quo, she does not want to make these changes at all, and she does not support your efforts when your son protests. It's hard to co-parent when you do not share the same values, and it certainly sounds like you are not on the same page about the value of screen-free time for a preschooler.
Your problems sound acute. Here's a crazy thought: what if you got rid of all the screens? Seriously. You past failures at making these much-needed changes suggest that screens are just something your wife is unable to enjoy in any type of moderation, and while I'm sure she means well, she has real limitations because of her health issues, and the fact is, she is not setting an awesome lifestyle example for your son. The one thing you have not tried yet is everyone abstaining from screens at home. Cancel the cable and internet. Give it a month. See what happens. You can always get them back. I'm simply suggesting that taking a drastic measure like this may be just what your family needs to really start coming together. Good luck.
posted by hush at 6:11 AM on June 23, 2015
Realistically, your child would no doubt be better served by attending full-day, screen-free daycare/preschool where he could play with other kids instead of spending his afternoons stuck at home, primarily in front of the TV.
"In the past, we have tried a "no screen time after x-o-clock" for the whole family but have never succeeded in doing it more than a day or two."
Figure out exactly why you've collectively failed at making this particular change in habit. I'm guessing it's because cutting back is 100% your own idea, but because your wife really, really enjoys watching TV, and is so used to the status quo, she does not want to make these changes at all, and she does not support your efforts when your son protests. It's hard to co-parent when you do not share the same values, and it certainly sounds like you are not on the same page about the value of screen-free time for a preschooler.
Your problems sound acute. Here's a crazy thought: what if you got rid of all the screens? Seriously. You past failures at making these much-needed changes suggest that screens are just something your wife is unable to enjoy in any type of moderation, and while I'm sure she means well, she has real limitations because of her health issues, and the fact is, she is not setting an awesome lifestyle example for your son. The one thing you have not tried yet is everyone abstaining from screens at home. Cancel the cable and internet. Give it a month. See what happens. You can always get them back. I'm simply suggesting that taking a drastic measure like this may be just what your family needs to really start coming together. Good luck.
posted by hush at 6:11 AM on June 23, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Once you're home, you can take charge of more of the activities and maybe try to refocus from TV to music (maybe even using the TV as a music source as many TVs have all-music channels available)? Whatever you do, cold turkey will probably make everyone upset. Gradual change is the way to go.
posted by quince at 2:42 PM on June 19, 2015 [4 favorites]