Which child gets the bigger bedroom?
June 14, 2015 6:20 AM   Subscribe

Older boy, younger girl. Which child gets the bigger bedroom? How did your family decide? Did you go by age? Sex? Some personality trait I am not thinking of? Proximity to parents' bedroom? Another factor I am not considering? I am at a crossroad and am struggling with what should be deciding factors. Both children are young; I am trying to imagine future issues and am unsure of the most reasonable way to proceed. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences!
posted by rabidsegue to Home & Garden (51 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
I would suggest that you're over thinking this. Unless the rooms are DRASTICALLY different in size or located on different floors of a large house, or the kids are 10 years difference in age, or have health/emotional factors to consider, I doubt that it matters..

But, it might help folks give you some feedback if you could tell us the ages, size of the house, location of the two rooms and any significant factors (insecurity, health issues, etc)...
posted by HuronBob at 6:32 AM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


How old are they?
posted by John Cohen at 6:35 AM on June 14, 2015


The older kid gets the bigger room.
posted by phunniemee at 6:35 AM on June 14, 2015 [69 favorites]


My sister and I started out sharing the bigger room, then when I (older) wanted my own room I moved into the smaller one. We also switched back and forth a couple of times. It didn't really matter who was in which room, except to our preferences. So, just see what they want to do and be open to rearranging in a few years.
posted by that's how you get ants at 6:35 AM on June 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: All 3 bedrooms are close together, but larger room abuts master bedroom. Larger bedroom is substantially larger, but even small room isn't oppressively small. Older boy is 7 and younger girl is approaching 5. No emotional issues/special problems that would complicate it. I don't want to keep repainting rooms every couple of years so I want to make a decision and stick with it. Thanks again.
posted by rabidsegue at 6:39 AM on June 14, 2015


If they are 7 and 5, just ask them who wants what.
posted by anastasiav at 6:42 AM on June 14, 2015 [8 favorites]


As the kids which they each want. If they both want the same room, flip a coin. Done.
posted by arnicae at 6:43 AM on June 14, 2015 [44 favorites]


Don't paint the rooms in gender specific colours anyway. Keep them neutral. Swap every couple of years if they want. If one kid spreads out with his/her play, let them have the larger room while the other (minimalist) child has less space. Put them in the same room for a couple of years and they share the other room as a play room.
posted by b33j at 6:51 AM on June 14, 2015 [30 favorites]


We had a very similar situation, and we just asked our kids which they would like. Our older son surprised pretty much everyone by deciding he wanted the smaller room. He was especially excited to get a loft bed with a desk area out of the deal.

One thing to consider is that if one kids is substantially less organized than the other smaller rooms clutter up way easier.
posted by Gygesringtone at 6:51 AM on June 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


Nthing asking them. (Ask them separately to avoid any me-too-based conflict.) If this is a new house you're moving into, letting them pick their own room can get them excited about the move.

Letting them have a hand in painting/decorating decisions can help offset any room-related disappointment. Things like colorful curtains and removable wall decals are easier to undo (and more fun) than paint.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:55 AM on June 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


Another option is to add a bonus to the small room - as Gygesringtone said, small room plus loft bed may beat out larger room. Back in the days when such things were fashionable my college buddy took the undesirable room in exchange for a water bed. My brother once "paid for" the larger room by allowing our mom to keep stuff in his closet (or was it having a particularly ugly piece of furniture that came with the house? I forget). Another option might be to stress the "you get this giant room because you're older, and older means you have responsibilities" aspect, though that takes the decision out of his hands, which I don't like as much.
posted by aimedwander at 6:57 AM on June 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


I had the (much smaller) bedroom (like, could fit my bed, a bookshelf, and the dresser with no room left over); my older brother (by three years) had the bigger bedroom because, well, he was there first.

My parents added on to the house when I was in fifth grade; I got the new, bigger bedroom. There was no discussion between my and me. I'm guessing it was a combination of (1) I had put up with the tiny bedroom, (2) I tended to have friends over more often for sleepovers and such, and (3) I was looking at more time left in the house than my brother.

Getting the bigger room did come with downsides-- I had to relocate to my former bedroom when guests came.
posted by damayanti at 6:58 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Boy or girl doesn't matter, unless you were to add a third kid --- then the two same-sex kids share the bigger room. For now, the older kid gets first pick.
posted by easily confused at 7:00 AM on June 14, 2015


Ask. If they want the same room, defer to the older child.
posted by Aranquis at 7:01 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I went by age, and gave my daughter the larger bedroom. It was almost one and a half times the size of my son's, and his was small. But it didn't really matter.....she was 6 and he was 2. And then they grew. My daughter ended up being 5'2" and my son was 6'1". He was like a giraffe in a cage in the tiny bedroom, but my daughter wouldn't trade with him. She eventually went to college 2000 miles away and only came home a couple of time a year. We gave our son her room (he was beside himself with happiness), and she still, to this day, finds ways to mention it, and still calls it "her room". Note that she officially moved away over 5 years ago.

So yeah, it's really important to some people. I would definitely ask them, they're old enough to have some input, and it will save hard feelings in the future. The looooonnnngggg future. Which I am still paying for. ;P
posted by the webmistress at 7:05 AM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Actively rewarding the older kid based on birth order, which the kids have zero control over, causes PROBLEMS. (Source: Younger sister with an egomaniac big brother)

The only fair thing that close in age is letting them choose and flipping a coin (2/3) if they pick the same one.
posted by mochapickle at 7:07 AM on June 14, 2015 [30 favorites]


If it is a considerably bigger room, then make sure it is understood that the bigger room is the 'play room' and therefore, whichever kid would cope best with that - actually let the other child in to play.
Usually that is whichever kid isn't still in need of naps, etc.

Another way I have seen it done, is bunks and kids in one sleeping room, and the other, a play room.
posted by Elysum at 7:19 AM on June 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


Nthing asking and flipping a coin if they want the same room. The end.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:20 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was older, my parents let me pick, and I picked the smaller room. I sometimes felt there was injustice in being held to a decision I made when I was two (especially when my brother reminded me it would be "his turn" to pick if we ever moved), but by the time I was old enough to realize the size difference, my room was so clearly MY ROOM that I never even considered that switching was possible.
posted by teditrix at 7:24 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Agree with the asking them.

Are you planning on living in this place until both kids are out of high school? Then offer to switch after x years. Paint the room in a neutral color, and use curtains and bed to add color.

If you think you are moving in a few years, tell the kids that whomever gets to pick first here gets to pick last in the next house.
posted by troytroy at 7:26 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Asking is a nice idea in theory, one of those things that seems equitable and likely to produce satisfaction on the surface, but there are many family dynamics that may prevent one or more of the children from being honest about which room they really want (for instance, feeling like they should not disrupt a family order imposed by a more powerful personality, feeling like they don't deserve the best room, feeling like their role is to sacrifice for others, etc.). So I would be wary of that, and, especially while they are young, simply imposing the order (oldest/largest being fairest and most traditional) and letting them know there will come later points this arrangement may be renegotiated.
posted by Miko at 7:34 AM on June 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


I like the idea of making sure the smaller room has lots of extra stuff the bigger room doesn't.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:37 AM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


As a younger sister, female with two older brothers I just want to throw in that:

1) if you defer to the oldest at all times, the younger children will ALWAYS be in second place, or third place, or whatever place, until the oldest child moves out. Since your kids are 7 and 5, that means the younger child would get "first pick" only for two years, and only when she's basically an "only" child.

and more importantly:

2) since your younger child is a girl, she'll always be giving way to the boy. And your son will always be superseding a girl. These messages will sink in.

Just something to think about.
posted by kythuen at 7:39 AM on June 14, 2015 [77 favorites]


When I was a kid my younger brother got the larger room, like in your case it was very much larger, so it was also the general play as the house didn't have onee gay the larger room as he was a klutz and I wanted the privacy of not having the play stuff in my room, he didn't care.
posted by wwax at 8:02 AM on June 14, 2015


My older sister got to pick her bedroom when we moved. She picked the bigger one. Parents deferred to her because of age. We are six years apart which is a more substantial difference than your kids but I never held a grudge or cared all that much. Parents rarely decided things based on age and I think this was just an easy solution to a non issue.

Ask the kids what they want to do. If there''s a conflict go with what the older kid wants. Done and done.
posted by Diskeater at 8:19 AM on June 14, 2015


-nthing older kid gets to pick. My family added on to the house when I was 6 or 7, and that's what we did. I picked the smaller room in the (erroneous, turns out) assumption it would be easier to keep clean. Everybody seemed fine with this.

Caveat: My younger sibling was younger at the time than your younger child, so it possibly/probably never occurred to her there was a decision at all (until we mentioned it later on); it was always just her room.
posted by brentajones at 8:46 AM on June 14, 2015


Most families I knew just let the older kid pick. (I was an older kid who picked the smaller room - I liked the view from the window.)

Flipping a coin also seems eminently reasonable, if they both want the same room.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:47 AM on June 14, 2015


I want to highlight b33j's suggestion of gender-neutral paint and switching rooms. I know you said you want to make a decision and stick with it, but I love the fact that my sister and I switched rooms growing up. We are two years apart, and one bedroom was a little bit larger while the other had a better view. We switched every two years during summer vacation, and it was a great opportunity to clean everything really thoroughly and have us kids make the decisions for donating toys and clothes we had grown out of. We never got tired of our rooms and never got jealous of who had the "better" room.
posted by alligatorpear at 8:50 AM on June 14, 2015 [35 favorites]


Nthing seeing -- independently, when the sibling isn't there -- which room each would like, and offering something special (a loft bed, whatever) if they both want the big room.

Also, paint is inexpensive, and kids change taste -- there's nothing wrong with repainting in a bit when they are teens and want to change things up. It always felt really important to me that I could choose whatever colour I wanted my room to be, because I had no choice in the rest of the house and my parents and I have very different tastes. I was asked to keep things light, but eventually my parents moved on and let my sister have a Barbie pink room for many years. (I now paint all my walls with saturated colours and that sister does whites and beige.)
posted by jeather at 8:51 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


In my family, the older sister and younger brother shared a room as long as they were both happy about it. When the older sister got to wanting her own room, she moved into one of the empty rooms. (Later, we swapped between the three non-master bedrooms every couple of years.)
posted by spindrifter at 9:04 AM on June 14, 2015


I don't recall size being an important consideration (one brother + two step-sisters, and we moved rather a lot being military). It was more important to get the other features. Better view from the window, bigger closet, etc. Sometimes simply the type of window covering (blinds vs. curtains). Hey, we were kids; we didn't know how easy it is to change that, plus first impressions matter.

In my experience, the girl is going to care about "privacy" a lot more than the boy as they reach teenage years. I put that in quotes because to a teenage girl, simply sharing a wall with the parents bedroom can be an intolerable privacy insult.

I like the idea of letting them choose and ideally that would work out. If it doesn't though, I would just assign them without worrying too much about reasons. If you give them a reason, they'll just have something to argue with. You got that one, boom, done. Swap if you can convince the other one.

You might also consider a much shorter-term "lease" on the room. Swap every year right after school gets out, new family tradition. Often the novelty of a "new" room is fun in its own right, especially if you know it's not forever. Plus, deep cleaning opportunity.
posted by ctmf at 9:42 AM on June 14, 2015


Shared room, plus shared playroom, as long as possible. After one makes their case for privacy, the other gets first pick of room. They can then bargain between each other. Finally both help with painting & furnishing both rooms.
posted by mahorn at 9:45 AM on June 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'd give the larger room to the younger kid. Not only would it disperse some of the tension caused by the older one getting less hand me downs, the younger child will be in the room longer.
posted by Mitheral at 9:47 AM on June 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


My older sister always got the bigger room. Having the smaller room has taught me to have more control over the space and be tidier. Also, the bigger room was next to the bathroom, with the associated noises.
posted by Solomon at 10:18 AM on June 14, 2015


Also, bribes work quite well - if both want the same room, the child that gets forced into the other room gets bought a special bed or desk or whatever as recompense.
posted by Solomon at 10:21 AM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I agree with those that say deferring to the eldest's decision unilaterally is a bad idea. I would've gotten a huge head from that. (Instead, I ended up sharing a room with 2 brothers and my younger sister got her own room. Ah well. ;P )
posted by Aleyn at 10:37 AM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


I would keep the younger and presumably needier child in the room closer to the parents, to keep them more accessible to the child. Alternately, if neither of them is prone to bad dreams or what have you, I'd keep the one who is more likely to be a troublemaker in the close room, the better to listen and supervise during the night.

You might also consider which one is a lighter vs. heavier sleeper and put the lighter sleeper in the room further from the main activity of the house, so they won't be woken by late-night TV, or later, early-morning coffee and conversation.
posted by Andrhia at 10:48 AM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


My older two got rid of LOTS of their toys at around 8 or so years old, so the little one might need toy space for longer than the older kid. My almost 7 year old just asked me to get rid of all the barbies. In my house, the teenagers have their own small rooms in the back of the house and the little one has a giant bedroom that's right by mine with all her toys and crap in it. The older ones have books and laptops and piles of clothes and don't need as much room. (Also, we live in an old double shotgun room so the older kids have rooms with doors - the giant room doesn't have doors and you have to go through it to get to other rooms. Which means you step on Lego.) So I'd look at the stuff each kid has. If one would rather a cozy reading nook and desk, that one gets the little room and the one with train sets or Barbie dream houses get the big one. I change around the rooms a lot though. This is the third configuration we've had since the 6 year old was born and we only have one year before the oldest goes off to college so we'll probably change it again then. Painting and moving everything only takes a weekend or two anyway and it makes you get rid of stuff. (However, my son is never changing rooms because he has a giant megaman duct tape mural that was too much of a pain to do so we're not taking that down.)
posted by artychoke at 11:01 AM on June 14, 2015


As a grownup negotiating bedroom choices with a roommate, I cared somewhat about space but also about closet size, proximity to bathroom, proximity to living room, privacy, what the window looks out on, etc.

If you discuss it with them it may turn out that they both want completely different things from their room. I wouldn't frame it as "Room X is bigger. Who wants room X?"
posted by bunderful at 12:50 PM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


If the older kid gets the bigger room, make it clear now that the younger kid gets the option to switch rooms when the older kid leaves for college.

Signed, stuck in a room barely bigger than a twin bed until age 18.5 while there was a big, empty bedroom down the hall
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:58 PM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Option N: Renovate! Can the wall between the master and the large bedroom be "thickened" to accommodate a bigger closet for the master or the bedroom? Add in some noise deadening detailing and you have a nicer situation all around.

Since your kids are so close in age, I think a family conference on the issue is a good route to go. Let them share their ideas on how to live. And I think being open to change and flexibility down the road is a good life lesson, too. Deep cleaning and reorganizing is good for the kids if they decide on a regular switch-up.
posted by amanda at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2015


We had the older daughter in the smaller room for about five years, for reasons we cannot remember now, then they switched. When we did the switch, they each got to paint and decorate their new rooms as they wanted to.
posted by yclipse at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2015


Now would be a good time to introduce to your kids the egalitarian game of rock, paper, scissors.
posted by BostonTerrier at 1:46 PM on June 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like the idea of making sure the smaller room has lots of extra stuff the bigger room doesn't.

Me too. Get like, a cool loft bed with a couch or desk underneath they can put their computer on/tv across from/whatever. Hell, maybe the smaller room comes with a computer/ipad/tv and game system.

Whenever i was working this stuff out with roommates it was always "well the bigger room is big, but the small room has XYZ(a private entrance, more light, windows on two sides, a cool desk nook that let you free up more floor space, something.

Maybe put a murphy bed in the smaller room so it's bigger when the bed isn't folded down?

If you think you are moving in a few years, tell the kids that whomever gets to pick first here gets to pick last in the next house.

I like this idea a lot too. "If you pick first now, you don't get to pick first later". It rewards planning ahead. This is also something i did when i moved with the same roommates as an adult, and it was a good lesson as a kid.

Sort of like the lessons i got in "You can get a cheap thing and have it right now, or you can get one part of an expensive thing/save that money and get the fancy thing later" whether it was a lego set, or a video game thing, or something for my room, or going to wild waves instead of getting ice cream and going to the park/playground, or whatever.

I also like the switching/reevaluating every 2 years idea.
posted by emptythought at 3:01 PM on June 14, 2015


When we moved my older brother graciously offered me the massively larger bedroom because he felt that as the older kid he got more privileges so that would be fair. It was pretty sweet of him.
posted by latkes at 3:47 PM on June 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


My husband's family solved the problem by giving the much larger bedroom to the sibling willing to give it up for the occasional overnight guest.

It turned out the oldest brother preferred the tiniest room, 2 brothers shared a room because they just didn't care and the only sister got the large bedroom with a queen sized bed. A couple weekends a year she camped out on the living room when guests stayed over.
posted by IndigoOnTheGo at 3:56 PM on June 14, 2015


Response by poster: You all have given me so much to consider, so thank you immensely!
posted by rabidsegue at 6:47 PM on June 14, 2015


If I got something my younger sister didn't, she wouldn't have stood for it. ;) Seven and five are pretty close in age.

I like the ideas of either planning on switching rooms every 2-3 years, or having some perk attached to the smaller room (or responsibility attached to the bigger room).

My cousin recently went through this with her kids, well, sort of. Seven year old girl had the bigger room with a private door to a bathroom (so basically a 2nd master suite). Three year old boy was going to be moved into a smaller room across the hall from said bathroom. The smaller room got new carpet and a new coat of paint, as well as a really nice bed. Then the seven year old wanted the smaller room, so the three year old is in the big one now.
posted by Pearl928 at 7:26 PM on June 14, 2015


I would be more worried that the room adjoining the parents room has good sound-proofing - I got that room as a kid and hated every night (it also had no good place for a bed other than the wall right against that room) and felt too awkward to say I could hear them both talking about adult stuff and having sex. I took to sleeping with a radio earbud in my ear and generally slept poorly at home and was tired a lot in school.
posted by meepmeow at 8:15 PM on June 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Due to renovation and changes to room use, we've ended up with our youngest in the largest bedroom, and two older kids in smaller. This summer we re-decorated the eldests room, and made an offer that we could "rotate" or swap and put her in the larger room. She declined because she liked her own room best.
posted by slightlybewildered at 9:29 PM on June 14, 2015


since your younger child is a girl, she'll always be giving way to the boy. And your son will always be superseding a girl. These messages will sink in.

I (oldest and boy) got the small room at the back of the house while my sister got the big room at the front of the house with views and the bigger closet. Because she's a girl and needed, well, something. One could say this set the stage for other princessy behavior (Which college is she going to when there are sensible, cheaper alternatives? How many tens of thousands on the wedding? Etc?) but I think this had more to do with the rest of life than how the bedroom split was made.

The fact that OP is worried about how this goes is good evidence that the kids aren't going to be dealing with "oldest first" all the time.

I think demonstrating some thoughtfulness and making an effort toward fairness will go a long way. Making the "good" room the default guest bedroom is a nice idea.
posted by the christopher hundreds at 6:53 AM on June 15, 2015


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