Relationship Anxiety
June 10, 2015 6:35 AM Subscribe
I am dating someone in my social circle who I've know for around 8 months. We've been dating for the last 2 months. I think she's great...smart, funny, attractive. We get along well and there is lots of chemistry. I'm happy that I've been able to find someone.
Being in a relationship has brought some of my insecurities to the surface. Specifically, there's a couple areas where I could use some advice.
1. Different Priorities
I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
I haven't brought any of these topics up with her for fear of coming off as the needy boyfriend. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.
1. Different Priorities
I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
I haven't brought any of these topics up with her for fear of coming off as the needy boyfriend. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.
Personally, I'd say this early in the relationship if you don't even feel comfortable bringing these issues up with her, how are you ever going to bring up more serious issues once the relationship develops? If you have insecurities, look to yourself first to see if you can meet your needs. For example, you feel fourth on her priority list. Maybe you could try putting your family and friends higher up and see how that feels to you? Needing reassurance; what could she ever say to give you that? Probably nothing, in my experience. The anxiety here is one of your creation. Maybe journal your worries to get them out. Often once we write a worry down, it loses it's power over us. The last one, time together; just organise that! Just tell her you want to go, the two of you, on a train to a new city to check it out. See how she is with that. That's not needy, that's romantic! If you're still worried after all that, then maybe the fit isn't right. Release her (and yourself) and open yourself to the next adventure. Hope that helps, and good luck!
posted by 3kidsonedog at 6:46 AM on June 10, 2015
posted by 3kidsonedog at 6:46 AM on June 10, 2015
Your feelings are legitimate. I actually don't think it would be a bad thing to have a discussion: "Sweetheart, I wish I saw you one-on-one more often. Would it work for you to make a date every Friday night?" Or something like that-- you need more time together, so ask for it and make it work for both of you.
I kind of wonder if a lot of it will resolve with time? 2 months is not very long to be dating; depending on how it goes, in a few more months, you might get bumped up in priority to "family member."
If you feel like needing constant reassurance or feeling insecure about relationships in general is a thing for you, it might help to work that out in therapy. I also really liked the book "Attached" for understanding attention/love needs in relationships.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I kind of wonder if a lot of it will resolve with time? 2 months is not very long to be dating; depending on how it goes, in a few more months, you might get bumped up in priority to "family member."
If you feel like needing constant reassurance or feeling insecure about relationships in general is a thing for you, it might help to work that out in therapy. I also really liked the book "Attached" for understanding attention/love needs in relationships.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:48 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
Is that true? You've been dating for 2 months and you're already willing to put her before your family, work, friends? I hope that's not true, and if it is true, I'm not sure that's fair. Building a life with someone takes time, you can't go from zero to EVERYTHING over night. Give it time. I think asking for more one-on-one date time is a great idea.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:05 AM on June 10, 2015 [44 favorites]
Is that true? You've been dating for 2 months and you're already willing to put her before your family, work, friends? I hope that's not true, and if it is true, I'm not sure that's fair. Building a life with someone takes time, you can't go from zero to EVERYTHING over night. Give it time. I think asking for more one-on-one date time is a great idea.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:05 AM on June 10, 2015 [44 favorites]
In my opinion, #1 & #2 on your list come well after #3. If you've been known each other for only 8 months and dating for two months but mostly just in group settings, there's not much reason for her to be making you her #1 priority. But if you really like her and would really like to be more a priority in her life, you need to spend some time alone together first. Then you can start talking about whether the relationship is going well, then you can talk about needing to come first.
There's not much in your description of how, where, when you interact, but if you've only known a person eight months and "most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends", you are not in a place to be the number one priority in her life. See if she's interested in spending time alone with you. After that, after you start building a just-the-two-of-you relationship, you can worry about each other's priorities.
On preview: what TPS said.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:08 AM on June 10, 2015
There's not much in your description of how, where, when you interact, but if you've only known a person eight months and "most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends", you are not in a place to be the number one priority in her life. See if she's interested in spending time alone with you. After that, after you start building a just-the-two-of-you relationship, you can worry about each other's priorities.
On preview: what TPS said.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:08 AM on June 10, 2015
Dude, dude, dude.
8 months? 2 months?
HELL NO.
You are WAY too early in this thing to be freaking yourself out.
The time has come to put on your Big Boy Pants and start taking some action that does NOT involve her.
She is not the nucleus that you orbit around.
If you're 4th on her list, then you should put her 4th on yours.
When one of my male clients starts out with me, I tell them that their focus should be on creating a life SO AWESOME that a woman cannot help but want to be part of it. It sounds like this girl really doesn't want to be a part of your life. If you're sitting around, staring at your phone, waiting for her to call or text or whatever, then you do not have A Life So Awesome.
You know how you know everything is okay in your relationship? SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Other than that, if there's an issue she's going to bring it up. Again, you should not be seeking any sort of external validation. Your validation should come from a quiet, still center of confidence that if she doesn't want to hang with you, then someone else will. Don't put all your social eggs in her basket. Be busy doing fun stuff that you love with friends that you love, and if she wants to see you, she'll let you know. Right now this seems very one sided and that's never good.
If you want to spend more alone time with her, then you make a date, go out and go some place together where you are alone together. This is not rocket science, this is you being a man and taking the initiative. Don't be a "Nice Guy". It sounds like you're on your way, and that path needs to be abandoned.
My advice might be construed as being tough or abrasive, but I think you need to know these things. I deal with clients every week who are learning new things and unlearning others, and you can do it. I promise.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:24 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
8 months? 2 months?
HELL NO.
You are WAY too early in this thing to be freaking yourself out.
The time has come to put on your Big Boy Pants and start taking some action that does NOT involve her.
She is not the nucleus that you orbit around.
If you're 4th on her list, then you should put her 4th on yours.
When one of my male clients starts out with me, I tell them that their focus should be on creating a life SO AWESOME that a woman cannot help but want to be part of it. It sounds like this girl really doesn't want to be a part of your life. If you're sitting around, staring at your phone, waiting for her to call or text or whatever, then you do not have A Life So Awesome.
You know how you know everything is okay in your relationship? SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Other than that, if there's an issue she's going to bring it up. Again, you should not be seeking any sort of external validation. Your validation should come from a quiet, still center of confidence that if she doesn't want to hang with you, then someone else will. Don't put all your social eggs in her basket. Be busy doing fun stuff that you love with friends that you love, and if she wants to see you, she'll let you know. Right now this seems very one sided and that's never good.
If you want to spend more alone time with her, then you make a date, go out and go some place together where you are alone together. This is not rocket science, this is you being a man and taking the initiative. Don't be a "Nice Guy". It sounds like you're on your way, and that path needs to be abandoned.
My advice might be construed as being tough or abrasive, but I think you need to know these things. I deal with clients every week who are learning new things and unlearning others, and you can do it. I promise.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:24 AM on June 10, 2015 [4 favorites]
1. I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
This is healthy. Two months is not a long time.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
Perhaps if you get on top of #1 and she's responsive to any initiative you take on #3, this will resolve.
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
So invite her to do the things you want to do. Invite her for dinner out or at your place; make movie dates, at home our at a movie theatre; pick a thing you want to take her to or do with her. If she says "That sounds fun; let's invite Jill and Jenna!" you get to open your mouth like an adult with legitimate needs and say "Nope, sorry, this invitation is for you only!"
posted by DarlingBri at 7:31 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is healthy. Two months is not a long time.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
Perhaps if you get on top of #1 and she's responsive to any initiative you take on #3, this will resolve.
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
So invite her to do the things you want to do. Invite her for dinner out or at your place; make movie dates, at home our at a movie theatre; pick a thing you want to take her to or do with her. If she says "That sounds fun; let's invite Jill and Jenna!" you get to open your mouth like an adult with legitimate needs and say "Nope, sorry, this invitation is for you only!"
posted by DarlingBri at 7:31 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
But she really shouldn't be first on your list, not after two months - it's just not healthy. At this point the relationship is so new that you are both still figuring out how serious you are about each other. You have to build up to the time when you are each other's top priority. That takes years for most people, not a couple of months.
And don't feel bad that you are "#4" on her list. For most people, that's still pretty high up there on the "things I care about/am interested in" list. It makes sense that for now her career, family, and friends would be a little more important - but that could change, and you're in good company if those are her other priorities at this time. (In other words, those are Good Things for her to prioritize - if she cared more about TV and Shopping (for example) than about you, I'd be more concerned.)
I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
This is also not healthy (or helpful). Mature adults communicate when there is a problem. If she isn't telling you there is a problem, and you aren't sensing a problem, you need to assume things are a-okay. You might see a therapist in order to talk through why you need this reassurance.
I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
This is 100% reasonable, but you have to ask for it. Tell her you want to see her more one-on-one! Suggest dates that would help accomplish it!
Finally, you say this: I'm happy that I've been able to find someone. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds like you have more generalized insecurities going on here. Did you previously think you would never find a romantic partner (and did this make you feel like you were missing out)? If so, I really think that you owe it to yourself to work this through with a professional. It'll make you a happier human and a better partner.
Also please don't take to heart advice urging you to "be a man" or "man up" or similar. Your gender has nothing to do with your ability to take initiative in your relationship, and internalizing the idea that "being a man" means "taking charge in romantic relationships" is going to do more harm than good. The healthiest relationships are those with strong, candid communication between two equal partners.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:38 AM on June 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
But she really shouldn't be first on your list, not after two months - it's just not healthy. At this point the relationship is so new that you are both still figuring out how serious you are about each other. You have to build up to the time when you are each other's top priority. That takes years for most people, not a couple of months.
And don't feel bad that you are "#4" on her list. For most people, that's still pretty high up there on the "things I care about/am interested in" list. It makes sense that for now her career, family, and friends would be a little more important - but that could change, and you're in good company if those are her other priorities at this time. (In other words, those are Good Things for her to prioritize - if she cared more about TV and Shopping (for example) than about you, I'd be more concerned.)
I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
This is also not healthy (or helpful). Mature adults communicate when there is a problem. If she isn't telling you there is a problem, and you aren't sensing a problem, you need to assume things are a-okay. You might see a therapist in order to talk through why you need this reassurance.
I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
This is 100% reasonable, but you have to ask for it. Tell her you want to see her more one-on-one! Suggest dates that would help accomplish it!
Finally, you say this: I'm happy that I've been able to find someone. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it sounds like you have more generalized insecurities going on here. Did you previously think you would never find a romantic partner (and did this make you feel like you were missing out)? If so, I really think that you owe it to yourself to work this through with a professional. It'll make you a happier human and a better partner.
Also please don't take to heart advice urging you to "be a man" or "man up" or similar. Your gender has nothing to do with your ability to take initiative in your relationship, and internalizing the idea that "being a man" means "taking charge in romantic relationships" is going to do more harm than good. The healthiest relationships are those with strong, candid communication between two equal partners.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:38 AM on June 10, 2015 [16 favorites]
I feel like I am fourth on her list of priorities behind work, family, and friends. She is first on my list.
Like others have said, this seems healthy this early on in a relationship. And in truth, I think happiness and stability comes from keeping these priorities balanced (not ranked) throughout the duration of any relationship. If you get married, the relationship goes into the 'family' bucket, but otherwise I think you don't need this to change. I wonder if the problem is that you are not finding fulfillment in work, family, and/or friends. Are you putting all your energy in the 'relationship' bucket all the time? It is unbalanced and at worst codependent. I'm going to tell you to consider therapy not because everyone on AskMe does, but because therapy (and before that, applying therapeutic techniques on my own) helped me with this exact thing.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
is very much tied to item #1. You are relying on the relationship for your own happiness and fulfillment, so of course you feel nervous about losing it! I used to get into these funks a lot and I always ask myself "capricorn, do you really want this to be your only source of happiness? What else makes you happy and how can you find ways to do it more?". Through therapy and through strengthening my friendships and my investment in pursuit of career/hobbies (which also includes meeting new friends, finding new hobbies, moving forward in your career), I found other forms of fulfillment. It doesn't mean that your romantic relationship becomes less important, it means it stops being the only thing that is important.
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
Now this on the other hand is an actual relationship issue and it's about your different needs and relationship styles. If it were me in her place I would 100% want to know this. I think that you can phrase it exactly like you did here, and then maybe define the amount of alone-together time you would be happy with, listen to what she is comfortable with, and find the happy medium.
posted by capricorn at 7:57 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Like others have said, this seems healthy this early on in a relationship. And in truth, I think happiness and stability comes from keeping these priorities balanced (not ranked) throughout the duration of any relationship. If you get married, the relationship goes into the 'family' bucket, but otherwise I think you don't need this to change. I wonder if the problem is that you are not finding fulfillment in work, family, and/or friends. Are you putting all your energy in the 'relationship' bucket all the time? It is unbalanced and at worst codependent. I'm going to tell you to consider therapy not because everyone on AskMe does, but because therapy (and before that, applying therapeutic techniques on my own) helped me with this exact thing.
2. I find myself seeking reassurance that things are going okay in the relationship
is very much tied to item #1. You are relying on the relationship for your own happiness and fulfillment, so of course you feel nervous about losing it! I used to get into these funks a lot and I always ask myself "capricorn, do you really want this to be your only source of happiness? What else makes you happy and how can you find ways to do it more?". Through therapy and through strengthening my friendships and my investment in pursuit of career/hobbies (which also includes meeting new friends, finding new hobbies, moving forward in your career), I found other forms of fulfillment. It doesn't mean that your romantic relationship becomes less important, it means it stops being the only thing that is important.
3. I wish we had more alone time together. Most of the time we spend together is in a group setting with mutual friends.
Now this on the other hand is an actual relationship issue and it's about your different needs and relationship styles. If it were me in her place I would 100% want to know this. I think that you can phrase it exactly like you did here, and then maybe define the amount of alone-together time you would be happy with, listen to what she is comfortable with, and find the happy medium.
posted by capricorn at 7:57 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
When one of my male clients starts out with me, I tell them that their focus should be on creating a life SO AWESOME that a woman cannot help but want to be part of it. It sounds like this girl really doesn't want to be a part of your life. If you're sitting around, staring at your phone, waiting for her to call or text or whatever, then you do not have A Life So Awesome.
Although I appreciate the spirit of Major Matt's advice, I urge you, OP, not to be quick to conclude that your life is not "awesome" enough and that you need to dial up the "awesomeness" just because this girl you've dated a couple months treats you as a lower priority than you treat her.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU OR YOUR LIFE. Rather, in US society people who are extroverts are regarded as successful and winning, and people who like to go home and relax and think and have one main person in their lives are regarded as subpar losers. That is a really poisonous dogma that has much to do with the ills of our culture and you should NOT consider it your task to be more outgoing, active, and awesome so you can measure up to some standard of sociability set by this woman you've dated a couple of months. I think Nietzsche said one of the big problems of Western culture was its increasing emphasis on garrulousness, and this tendency is very evident in the weighing and valuation of people in the dating world based on the size of their social circles and awesomeness of their hobbies. Don't submit. Be yourself. The only standard of awesomeness is what you want to do. When someone makes you feel insecure about your way of living, that's a sign that you're incompatible, not a sign that you need to change.
posted by jayder at 10:57 AM on June 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
Although I appreciate the spirit of Major Matt's advice, I urge you, OP, not to be quick to conclude that your life is not "awesome" enough and that you need to dial up the "awesomeness" just because this girl you've dated a couple months treats you as a lower priority than you treat her.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU OR YOUR LIFE. Rather, in US society people who are extroverts are regarded as successful and winning, and people who like to go home and relax and think and have one main person in their lives are regarded as subpar losers. That is a really poisonous dogma that has much to do with the ills of our culture and you should NOT consider it your task to be more outgoing, active, and awesome so you can measure up to some standard of sociability set by this woman you've dated a couple of months. I think Nietzsche said one of the big problems of Western culture was its increasing emphasis on garrulousness, and this tendency is very evident in the weighing and valuation of people in the dating world based on the size of their social circles and awesomeness of their hobbies. Don't submit. Be yourself. The only standard of awesomeness is what you want to do. When someone makes you feel insecure about your way of living, that's a sign that you're incompatible, not a sign that you need to change.
posted by jayder at 10:57 AM on June 10, 2015 [13 favorites]
Do you need that individual quality time to feel loved? (Though its early for Love, in my opinion)
Some people need that quality time, some like/need having things done for them, some need verbal affirmation, and some need the physical touches.
If you can pinpoint why you feel so anxious and neglected and less of a priority, you can take more concrete steps to combat those fears.
After you take those steps (ask her to what you want to do! be realistic that no, you probably aren't her #1 priority in life at two months. Sooth yourself, as much as you can!) Then you can look at the relationship and communicate your needs and wants. If you can communicate your needs, wants, and desires in a healthy way, she has a lot more ground to work with you there. Most reasonable people will attempt to do so.
posted by Jacen at 11:16 AM on June 10, 2015
Some people need that quality time, some like/need having things done for them, some need verbal affirmation, and some need the physical touches.
If you can pinpoint why you feel so anxious and neglected and less of a priority, you can take more concrete steps to combat those fears.
After you take those steps (ask her to what you want to do! be realistic that no, you probably aren't her #1 priority in life at two months. Sooth yourself, as much as you can!) Then you can look at the relationship and communicate your needs and wants. If you can communicate your needs, wants, and desires in a healthy way, she has a lot more ground to work with you there. Most reasonable people will attempt to do so.
posted by Jacen at 11:16 AM on June 10, 2015
Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else. I was probably similar to your girlfriend at the start of my relationship... with my husband! See, I had a bad relationship prior and I wasn't 100% sure if I was ready for a relationship so the first few months I kept him a bit at arm's length. He soon mentioned it and I realized I kind of had a wall up and soon settled down a bit more.
However, I think it's totally normal that she's not "OMG LET'S HANG OUT ALL THE TIME JUST US FOREVER!" right now. I mean, she still needs to keep her relationships with her friends and family. And let's be honest, I find the couple that only spends time together the instant they start dating to be super annoying. It often means you lose your friends.
I DO think it's valid to talk about spending time together, which you can do in a simple way as to say "I would like to go on a date with you, just us!" I also assume that you're young just from the posing of this question and the dynamic in the relationship and friend group. Some young people only have had relationships where you're "dating" but only hang out in friend groups and hardly spend time alone. I know I did when I was young. So, you can try introducing more alone time together and I think that's valid.
I agree that you need to bring your anxiety and needs down to earth. Realize that it's really only been 2 months of dating, and you can't rush things. It also isn't good to just abandon everything in your life and place this new person as #1 right away.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:19 AM on June 10, 2015
However, I think it's totally normal that she's not "OMG LET'S HANG OUT ALL THE TIME JUST US FOREVER!" right now. I mean, she still needs to keep her relationships with her friends and family. And let's be honest, I find the couple that only spends time together the instant they start dating to be super annoying. It often means you lose your friends.
I DO think it's valid to talk about spending time together, which you can do in a simple way as to say "I would like to go on a date with you, just us!" I also assume that you're young just from the posing of this question and the dynamic in the relationship and friend group. Some young people only have had relationships where you're "dating" but only hang out in friend groups and hardly spend time alone. I know I did when I was young. So, you can try introducing more alone time together and I think that's valid.
I agree that you need to bring your anxiety and needs down to earth. Realize that it's really only been 2 months of dating, and you can't rush things. It also isn't good to just abandon everything in your life and place this new person as #1 right away.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:19 AM on June 10, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the advice. She invited me to go for a walk tonight and broke up with me. Still trying to process this.
posted by QuietType at 8:39 PM on June 10, 2015
posted by QuietType at 8:39 PM on June 10, 2015
Sorry to hear it OP :( Some things just aren't meant to be; this breakup does not mean you are a bad boyfriend. You just weren't the right guy for her. Be kind to yourself.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:41 AM on June 11, 2015
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:41 AM on June 11, 2015
I'm sorry OP. I think your gut instinct was right- you were picking up on some signs that she wasn't as interested in you. In my experience, during that initial honeymoon phase, if people are REALLY into each other, they do want to spend a lot of time talking or seeing each other... then things sort of level out and the real relationship begins.
Hang in there- you will find that again, but with someone who really does want to make you a priority.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:56 AM on June 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hang in there- you will find that again, but with someone who really does want to make you a priority.
posted by Lillypad331 at 6:56 AM on June 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Based on what you say in your question, she wasn't a good fit for you and thus it was a gift for her to terminate the relationship early, rather than later. I hope you can learn something from this -- when someone's lifestyle causes you to be insecure about your own (perfectly fine) lifestyle, that is a sign you need to keep looking. They may be a perfectly fine, wonderful, magnificent person but they are not fine, magnificent, and wonderful for you. Generally, we need to be with people whose way of being doesn't fill us with unease.
And try to play it a bit cooler in future relationships. Asking for constant reassurance from a woman who is seemingly less needy/attached than you, is often considered unattractive/loserish. Play your feelings a bit closer to the vest; no matter how insecure you feel, when you're two months in you need to play it cool and not let those feelings show.
posted by jayder at 9:34 AM on June 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
And try to play it a bit cooler in future relationships. Asking for constant reassurance from a woman who is seemingly less needy/attached than you, is often considered unattractive/loserish. Play your feelings a bit closer to the vest; no matter how insecure you feel, when you're two months in you need to play it cool and not let those feelings show.
posted by jayder at 9:34 AM on June 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
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And you definitely should bring this stuff up eventually. It's not needy to want to have a partner who is as committed to you as you are to them.
But for right now, I think you should try to relax and reassure yourself, and give her a bit more time. For a lot of people, a two-month-old relationship is not super serious yet, and isn't their first priority. Give things some time to grow, then see how you feel. If you are still feeling under-appreciated in another month or two, talk to her about it.
posted by aka burlap at 6:44 AM on June 10, 2015 [5 favorites]