Wedding etiquette for interfaith courthouse reception
June 4, 2015 3:38 PM   Subscribe

I'm invited to the courthouse part of an interfaith wedding of a relative of my girlfriend. I've scoured metafilter and the rest of the internet for the etiquette concerning gifts, but couldn't find anything applying to the situation. What would be appropriate?

A relative of my girlfriend is marrying very soon and I'm invited as the plus one. I've never met the extended family before, not even the bride or groom.
The wedding happens in two parts: The courthouse wedding is done in a few days, including an evening banquet/reception/party. Suiting up is expected.
After the evening party, we will stay overnight at the newlywed's place in gender-separated rooms.
The religious ceremony will be done in another place in a couple of months. Some part of the family will only attend the religious ceremony, I don't think we will be invited there.
To attend the courthouse ceremony and reception, my girlfriend and I will travel with two overnight stays, but her mother insists to cover the travel cost.
I've asked about registries or gifts, the answer was that none are expected because of the travel cost. However, we don't actually pay the travel cost, and wedding-related issues seem to be the mother of all guess cultures. This is both the first wedding I attend as an adult and the first time I meet my girlfriend's extended family. The wedding will probably be in French, which to my shame I hardly understand at all.

Now to the actual questions:
- Gifts, what kind of? If we don't find any registries, just buy some generic wedding gift to show good intentions? Cash in an envelope? Gift cards? If something physical, when to bring it?
- Are there any unexpected conversational topics one should stay clear of?
- What would be a suitable value of a thank-you gift for the person who covered the travel cost? Ideally, I would like it to be of a similar value (not only cost) as the actual travel cost, but without making it obvious.
posted by Triton to Society & Culture (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I think you will find useful answers if your provide some cultural touchstones (the faiths involved, the country/city, ethnicities and possibly even class).
posted by saucysault at 3:56 PM on June 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


You asked about gifts. You were told none were expected. Why do people refuse to believe this? When people say no gifts, they usually mean it. It would be lovely to get them a nice card - with your girlfriend, not on your own. It would be horribly tacky and rude to bring any sort of gift - real gift or envelope of money - to the actually ceremony after they asked you (and presumably other people) not to bring gifts.

Is there a reason you think these people and/or your girlfriends family - are lying to you and trapping you in a horrible Catch-22, or is it more likely that they are telling you the truth, and they are getting married because they want to, and inviting you because they want their family there and not because they're hoping to get a monetary reward from it?
posted by brainmouse at 3:58 PM on June 4, 2015 [9 favorites]


Do. not. give. a. gift. It is impolite to ignore what they said. Re mom paying the cost, bring something nice to eat or drink from wherever you live as a gift for her. Go to the ceremony, be delighted, and don't talk about money or religion or politics to anyone.
posted by bearwife at 4:03 PM on June 4, 2015 [5 favorites]


Best answer: When I got married we said no gifts but what we meant was "no stuff just cash plz". Some people got it, some people got us stuff (which we were really grateful for). No one is going to think a gift of any kind is rude unless they're outraged by kindness. One of the "stuff" gifts we got was a case of three bottles of wine which aged so we could have one on our first anniversary, one on our fifth and one on our tenth. (I only got to try the first one but hey ho). I thought it was really thoughtful and I think it's a great gift. If I was someone willingly covering travel costs though I wouldn't expect anything other than a nice thank you card and maybe some nice flowers or something.
posted by billiebee at 4:23 PM on June 4, 2015


Best answer: No gifts means no gifts. I would have been mortified if I found out that anyone thought the 'no gifts' message on my invitation was a veiled cash or gift grab. Go and be super happy for them - that's all they want :)
posted by ftm at 5:28 PM on June 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


Whatever you decide, don't bring a gift to the ceremony or celebration - send it before or after.
posted by bq at 5:29 PM on June 4, 2015


Just to be clear, in my own example "no gifts" wasn't "really give us cash" as much as "if you must give us something we'd rather have money than things". We certainly would not have been offended not to get a gift. It might be a cultural thing though, as not getting someone a wedding gift if you're attending is not done ever here, no matter what the couple says. This is N Ireland, I'm not sure if it's the norm Europe-wide, and I'm not sure when you say the ceremony will be in French if it's actually happening in France or elsewhere? If in doubt I would consider asking your girlfriend's parents if possible, as they will know the expectations /traditions of the extended family.
posted by billiebee at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2015


Have you asked your girlfriend what is usually done in her family?
posted by insectosaurus at 7:20 PM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


Best answer: As +1, I would think any gift would be a join gift with your girl friend. Offer to go in on whatever she is getting. If she doesn't think you should give a gift, follow her lead - it is her family.

If I understand right, it is your girlfriend's mother is offering to pay travel for both you so that you can afford to be part of this family event? That is certainly common in my family. No payback is expected - the parent generation has more money, the younger one is typically strapped. A small gift with a very sincere thank you would be very much appreciated but if you are accepting payment, I wouldn't try to sneak pay back into a gift. You (or at least your girl friend) will be paying it back in the future when they get old and need to rely on your generation for help.
posted by metahawk at 10:52 PM on June 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I would let your girlfriend take 100% of the lead here, because she knows her family culture best. Whatever you give/don't give, it should be as a couple rather than from you individually.

On gifts, if people have told you that gifts are not expected, gifts are not expected. I disagree with those above who say that giving a gift under these circumstances is somehow rude (what?!), but it's certainly not execpted or required. If you and your girlfriend (together, not separately) decide to give a gift, I would make it either something personal (for example, perhaps your GF and her relative used to love going camping together as kids, she she knows that relative still loves camping, so gets a gift appropriate to that), or cash. We received quite a lot of cash at our wedding, and it was so generous and lovely for building our honeymoon fund. I find it VERY hard to believe that anyone could be offended or bothered by receiving either money OR a personal gift that was selected with a shared memory in mind (i.e. not just a random toaster). (Frankly, people who would be deeply offended by either of these things are sort of dickish and ungrateful! If they really really don't want the cash, they can always donate it to the cause of their choice.)

I would definitely NOT try to compensate your GF's mom for the travel costs, unless your GF indicates that this is appropriate. In my family, if my mom is paying for someone's travel, she wants it to be a gift, not an obligation. If someone were to give something of equal cost to her in return, I think she would feel like they didn't appreciate the gift. The best thing you can give her is a very heart-felt thank you card, saying how much you appreciate her welcoming you into the family and how much you enjoyed the trip. If you want to get her a nice gift at some point in the future (like for the holidays or a birthday, or "just because") - go for it. But don't try to make the money even out.

Finally, on conversation topics. In general, if it's a crowd I don't know, I try to stay away from the standard religion/politics topics, as well as any personal hobby horses (i.e. "I just started a low carb diet! You should too!") Talking about your hobbies, job, your own family background, etc. is safer, at least until you get to know the crowd better.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:34 AM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thank you all! We will ask a relative of the couple the "no gifts" was meant as not required or not wanted. Will definitely follow her lead. Since we are both new at this, I wanted to get as much information as possible. :-)

The wedding is in France, one part of the family is from France, another part from Algier.
posted by Triton at 2:46 PM on June 7, 2015


Response by poster: Algeria, sorry for the misspelling.
posted by Triton at 2:53 PM on June 7, 2015


« Older I love my Nexus 7, but should I get an iPad Air 2?   |   Gears, how do they work? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.