Online socialising for someone middle-aged and single but NOT dating?
June 3, 2015 6:10 AM Subscribe
I am 45, recently single after a long-term relationship, and not looking to date. I would like to socialise online though, ideally with people in a similar situation to myself. I read AskMetafilter every day, like many of the comments on the Guardian website, have found some useful info on Reddit (but it doesn't feel like a place I would be comfy participating in). I've also tried The Well for the last couple of months but the discussions I am interested in (e.g. the Singles discussion area) are very quiet - I fear I've joined it two decades too late! What are my other options where I might find enjoyable discussions without too many trolls?
When I try to look for sites for middle-aged singles the search results seem to come up with exclusively dating sites even when I put "not dating" into the search query. (My main interests are world cinema, self-help books/ personal development and going out for coffees or movies so I don't have many hobby-based sites to turn to). Thanks in advance for any help or tips! I am based in the UK (Glasgow) if that makes a difference.
When I try to look for sites for middle-aged singles the search results seem to come up with exclusively dating sites even when I put "not dating" into the search query. (My main interests are world cinema, self-help books/ personal development and going out for coffees or movies so I don't have many hobby-based sites to turn to). Thanks in advance for any help or tips! I am based in the UK (Glasgow) if that makes a difference.
I used to like MeetUp, but then I moved to a rural area where meetups are few and far between.
posted by tckma at 6:28 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by tckma at 6:28 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thirding MeetUp. If you're in a big enough area, there are tons of groups that get together for all sorts of activities which are fun and low-pressure.
posted by xingcat at 6:48 AM on June 3, 2015
posted by xingcat at 6:48 AM on June 3, 2015
When I see that you are looking for discussion online, I think "That makes sense." But when I see that you are only looking into singles sites but do not want dating sites, I think "I do not understand."
Maybe that says more about me than you, or/but maybe it is part of the problem. To me, the qualifier "singles" means "dating."
If one were just looking for discussion, why would it matter if one were chatting with married women, or divorced dads, or uplifted lobsters, or whatever? If you want to discuss cinema, why not just look for movie discussion sites, instead of "singles" sites with movie talk?
Not that I have any specific suggestions. Mefi is the only web site I have ever seen.
posted by General Tonic at 6:48 AM on June 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Maybe that says more about me than you, or/but maybe it is part of the problem. To me, the qualifier "singles" means "dating."
If one were just looking for discussion, why would it matter if one were chatting with married women, or divorced dads, or uplifted lobsters, or whatever? If you want to discuss cinema, why not just look for movie discussion sites, instead of "singles" sites with movie talk?
Not that I have any specific suggestions. Mefi is the only web site I have ever seen.
posted by General Tonic at 6:48 AM on June 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
Seconding General Tonic that you should look for discussions based on your interests, not "singles," if you're really just looking for online discussion. Now, if your intent is to meet single people to date, "singles" groups are a good target, but if you just want to talk about a hobby, interest, or just general chatter, the "singles" thing seems orthogonal to your actual goal.
posted by Alterscape at 7:31 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 7:31 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Certain smaller parts of Reddit are pretty friendly and intelligent; if you like the format, dig a bit for the good subs pertaining to your interests. I have definitely seen MeFi usernames over there...
Facebook groups would seem to be the logical way to go -- I was once asked out apropos of some comments on a local special-interest group. And if you don't see any you like, it's quite easy to hit "create group" and type in "Glasgow and area 35+ singles" (then post announcing the new group on all the other Glasgow FB pages and groups). Actually, "...35+ singles activity group" might draw more people who would like to meet people but who are also reluctant to do anything that sounds at all like on-line dating, and relieves it of looking like anything more than a chit-chat/pub night thing.
Way back in the day, Usenet was quite the boyfriend mill for me. A bit of that resulted in a lot of plane tickets, though -- the problem with what you want to do here is that you will meet lots of nice, interesting, intelligent men who you would enjoy seeing in person -- in San Diego, Toronto, and Adelaide.
When I was a middle-aged single who eventually got it in her head to date, it turned out a friends of two decades' acquaintance had a friend of 25yrs acquaintance who I had never met. We met, to excellent results. So I highly suggest working your social circles and getting the word out there, and also going to and throwing dinner parties with lots of "please feel free to bring others!" I have been fairly sociable in recent years, and, if you were in Ottawa, I would be able to introduce you to a whack of nice single middle-aged men I know in large part thanks to just having people over, and going over to others'. One nice part of that is that your new acquaintances will be at least lightly pre-vetted, and thanks to them being part of social circles not far from your own, they are likely to have more in common with you than just age and single-ness. And since they are just blokes you hang out with for dinner or whatever, you don't actually need to date them. (But if you do eventually want to, well -- there they are. And there they are for just coffee and movies, too.)
posted by kmennie at 7:38 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Facebook groups would seem to be the logical way to go -- I was once asked out apropos of some comments on a local special-interest group. And if you don't see any you like, it's quite easy to hit "create group" and type in "Glasgow and area 35+ singles" (then post announcing the new group on all the other Glasgow FB pages and groups). Actually, "...35+ singles activity group" might draw more people who would like to meet people but who are also reluctant to do anything that sounds at all like on-line dating, and relieves it of looking like anything more than a chit-chat/pub night thing.
Way back in the day, Usenet was quite the boyfriend mill for me. A bit of that resulted in a lot of plane tickets, though -- the problem with what you want to do here is that you will meet lots of nice, interesting, intelligent men who you would enjoy seeing in person -- in San Diego, Toronto, and Adelaide.
When I was a middle-aged single who eventually got it in her head to date, it turned out a friends of two decades' acquaintance had a friend of 25yrs acquaintance who I had never met. We met, to excellent results. So I highly suggest working your social circles and getting the word out there, and also going to and throwing dinner parties with lots of "please feel free to bring others!" I have been fairly sociable in recent years, and, if you were in Ottawa, I would be able to introduce you to a whack of nice single middle-aged men I know in large part thanks to just having people over, and going over to others'. One nice part of that is that your new acquaintances will be at least lightly pre-vetted, and thanks to them being part of social circles not far from your own, they are likely to have more in common with you than just age and single-ness. And since they are just blokes you hang out with for dinner or whatever, you don't actually need to date them. (But if you do eventually want to, well -- there they are. And there they are for just coffee and movies, too.)
posted by kmennie at 7:38 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I dunno why people can't seem to wrap their heads around a request for online socializing rather than in-person when we're on an online socializing site, but whatever. Meetup is great I'm sure but one thing it's not is an online chat room.
Totally makes sense that you'd want to find a group of peers purely for the sake of having common frames of reference, and it isn't some sneaky way of pretending not to want to date while somehow actually secretly wanting to date.
You say you read AskMe every day--do you ever dabble in the Blue? Or, especially given your interest in film, FanFare? Maybe you could start by building up a group of likeminded, similarly-aged and relationship-free MeFites and moving it into Chat? (Frankly if I sound like a MeFi shill, it's only that really, a lot of online discussion fora right now are truly boring and dead, if not actively hostile and troll-ridden. Online chat just isn't the thing anymore, it's all Instagram and, uh, Vine? Maybe? I don't know what the kids are doing anymore, I just know they're on my lawn.)
The Criterion forum is a great place to geek out but I can't speak to its demographics really. On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog, or a 50 year old single.
Facebook groups will work if your demographic is on Facebook. You might also try to cultivate a healthy Twitter presence by searching for hashtags along the lines of your interest, following people who seem to be the folks you're looking for, and making enough contributions to those discussions to get some followers back--as many people do. I have pretty extensive Twitter history with people I've never seen in person due to a shared interest. I didn't go looking for demographic peers either, but they mostly turn out to be close in age and similar in life situations.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:08 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Totally makes sense that you'd want to find a group of peers purely for the sake of having common frames of reference, and it isn't some sneaky way of pretending not to want to date while somehow actually secretly wanting to date.
You say you read AskMe every day--do you ever dabble in the Blue? Or, especially given your interest in film, FanFare? Maybe you could start by building up a group of likeminded, similarly-aged and relationship-free MeFites and moving it into Chat? (Frankly if I sound like a MeFi shill, it's only that really, a lot of online discussion fora right now are truly boring and dead, if not actively hostile and troll-ridden. Online chat just isn't the thing anymore, it's all Instagram and, uh, Vine? Maybe? I don't know what the kids are doing anymore, I just know they're on my lawn.)
The Criterion forum is a great place to geek out but I can't speak to its demographics really. On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog, or a 50 year old single.
Facebook groups will work if your demographic is on Facebook. You might also try to cultivate a healthy Twitter presence by searching for hashtags along the lines of your interest, following people who seem to be the folks you're looking for, and making enough contributions to those discussions to get some followers back--as many people do. I have pretty extensive Twitter history with people I've never seen in person due to a shared interest. I didn't go looking for demographic peers either, but they mostly turn out to be close in age and similar in life situations.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:08 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Re: trolls. Twitter is known for its epic trolls, but honestly--odds are they won't come for you unless you somehow get any kind of high profile. Now, regular garden variety assholes...they might turn up.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2015
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:09 AM on June 3, 2015
I've actually found that some Facebook groups with specific-enough focuses are pretty great for online socializing. The fact that you get to see each other's real (to an extent) identities adds something you don't get on metafilter or reddit.
posted by callmejay at 9:43 AM on June 3, 2015
posted by callmejay at 9:43 AM on June 3, 2015
Response by poster: I promise not to threadsit, just came back to say that I guess being single is not really that important in the sort of online community I'm looking for, since I am not looking for romance/ dating, I just thought I would have similar life issues to other singles in the same life stage (compared to, for example, Mumsnet, which I have heard has wide-ranging topics but being a guy and not a parent might not be the place for me). The online socialising thing is mainly because I'm not planning to buy a TV, at least for a while, so I will have some time free every day where I could participate. Meetup can be good and I have tried a couple of meets, but the weekday ones tend to be in the evenings and I don't have a car. I don't always feel the safest at night alone (mostly just my social anxiety I think UK crime levels are less than US ones for the most part) so I would either need to be selective and get taxis or look for weekend groups, but I will consider those options. Online I could do every day hence the focus. Thanks for all the replies so far, all much appreciated, I only marked Hardcheese as the favourite since theirs was closest to what I was meaning, but all have been helpful.
posted by AuroraSky at 9:58 AM on June 3, 2015
posted by AuroraSky at 9:58 AM on June 3, 2015
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I always recommend MeetUp to my clients looking to get out and about and expand their social circle, and I would definitely recommend it to you. It looks like Glasgow has some awesome meetup groups out there.
I know that each meetup group has an online forum where folks can discuss things related to the subject matter of the Meet up; perhaps that is an option.
One of my own favorite MeetUps was a group that went out for dinner, coffee and then a movie. It got me out of the house, got food in my belly, got me going to great movies (and some not so great) and it introduced me to some wonderful smart people whom I still maintain contact with to this day.
I would recommend you stretch your wings a bit, and I bet you will fly just fine.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:19 AM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]