How can I get my significant other to celebrate that I quit smoking?

November 28, 2005 8:09 PM

My boyfriend used to tell me how awful, unhealthy, and gross it was that I smoked, and now I've quit, but he hasn't said a word. How do I get him to show me some positive support?

I didn't quit for my boyfriend but, among my desire to be healthier and smell better, his opinion was a motivating factor. I've pointed out how long it' been since I've smoked (two weeks), and that I've been at less than a pack/week for about two months now, but he just says "good job" and brushes me off. When he is only marginally responsive to how far I've come, it makes me want to relapse. I don't have any other outside postitive support for this, and I want a little external gratification for my efforts. How can I get this from him without asking for it?

posted by Packy_1962 to human relations (41 comments total)

Is there a reason that you can't just tell him what you need from him? Maybe he thinks saying "good job" is enough encouragement. How is he ever going to know that you need more if you don't tell him?
posted by gokart4xmas at 8:12 PM on November 28, 2005

I think you should join a support group. Your boyfriend's job isn't to make you feel good about quiting smoking. In fact, that's no one's job. Find others who have recently quit and commiserate with them. Your boyfriend is surely thinking you don't deserve a cookie for something you should've done a long time ago.
posted by ryanhealy at 8:12 PM on November 28, 2005

Hmm. Maybe he's afraid to say too much about it, out of fear of creating a backlash.

My wife smokes occasionally. She knows I don't like it, but I don't say much about it, because we both know that she tends to react somewhat perversely when told she shouldn't do something.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 8:14 PM on November 28, 2005

FWIW, as someone with a spouse who is trying to quit smoking, I totally think you deserve a cookie. I just think you need to tell your boyfriend what kind of cookie you like.
posted by gokart4xmas at 8:15 PM on November 28, 2005

P.S. Congrats on quitting!
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 8:15 PM on November 28, 2005

oooh. What an insensitive set of behaviors you've got in that boy right now. Unfortunately, there's not much one can do to change the way other people treat you if they've been treating you poorly for a while. You don't say how long you've been together, but it sounds like he may think it's ok to tell you where you're lacking while not realizing (or caring) that it's more important to focus on how awesome you are.

It doesn't hurt to sit the boy down and tell him calmly and in a neutral tone and place that this is hard for you and you're happy that he was instrumental in getting you to put the lighters away, and now that you've done the hardest part (because really, it sounds like you have), a positive reinforcement would be nice. And stress that you're not looking for a medal, just a bit of a neck rub, some good jokes and a few nice words.

In addition to all that, Actively seek out people who are supportive of who you are and who you want to be.
posted by bilabial at 8:16 PM on November 28, 2005

It doesn't hurt to sit the boy down and tell him calmly and in a neutral tone and place that this is hard for you and you're happy that he was instrumental in getting you to put the lighters away, and now that you've done the hardest part (because really, it sounds like you have), a positive reinforcement would be nice. And stress that you're not looking for a medal, just a bit of a neck rub, some good jokes and a few nice words.

And then when he complies it will be only because she asked for it. That's a recipe for disaster.

Many people have quit smoking without needing contrived positive reinforcements from significant others. If this is really bothering her it's a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship than what can be helped by his vocally supporting her quitting smoking.

FWIW, his brow beating of her about how unhealthy and gross smoking is was probably just as unnecessary.
posted by ryanhealy at 8:24 PM on November 28, 2005

Great Job on quitting... Don't worry about it -- this is all about you -- keep that in your mind and keep up the good work...
posted by orlin at 8:35 PM on November 28, 2005

I never felt brow beaten about my smoking habits. The problem isn't the discrepancy between the negative comments when I was smoking, and the lack of positive ones now that I've quit. It's that I don't think he can relate to the situation, and therefore doesn't notice the accomplishment. I am worried to flat out explain my feelings because as ryanhealy points out: "when he complies it will be only because she asked for it", and contrived reinforcements aren't fulfilling.
posted by Packy_1962 at 8:42 PM on November 28, 2005

As a former smoker myself, I commend you.

However, and I say this with no joy, it sounds like your boyfriend is either planning to break up with you soon, or is preoccupied by some other issue major enough to have a bigger affect on your relationship than the fact that you've quit smoking.

That said, you do need to stay quit for your own good, not for his...you did kind of want to quit, even without his urging, right? What ryanhealy said is also valid. Smoking is a choice, and some people choose to smoke; if it bothers your boyfriend that much, he should have taken that into consideration before becoming your boyfriend.
posted by bingo at 8:45 PM on November 28, 2005

Why do you need him to tell you how well you've done? Smoking isn't something you should have done in the first place. If you had won a presedential election this would be different. You just quit smoking and made your life better, be proud of yourself that you've quit, and keep up the great work.

What you're asking here is similar to a person who is a complete ass turning into a nice person, and then expecting a pat on the back.
posted by Sonic_Molson at 8:49 PM on November 28, 2005

I am worried to flat out explain my feelings because as ryanhealy points out: "when he complies it will be only because she asked for it", and contrived reinforcements aren't fulfilling.

Your boyfriend isn't psychic. Your boyfriend doesn't understand how much work this was for you. Your boyfriend is probably otherwise a nice guy or you wouldn't be with him.

Give him the benefit of the doubt that his lack of positive reinforcement is just cluelessness rather than jerkiness. Explain that you've tried hard and feel that this is a real accomplishment. He will most likely feel that pride once he understands the situation, and his reinforcement *will* be genuine.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:52 PM on November 28, 2005

Can you explain to him how difficult it has been and what a significant accomplishment it is in a way he can relate? Maybe give him an example of a similar accomplishment/difficult task that is relevant to him. Say something like "I don't know if you realize this but quitting smoking has been as hard for me as it would be for you to [insert relevant example], can you imagine going two weeks without [insert]?"

That said, is it possible that he is just being nonchalant about it because he doesn't want to make such a big deal about it in a way that would add pressure and stress to the process?
posted by necessitas at 8:53 PM on November 28, 2005

ryanhealy, it's not necessarily true that a positive outcome be only because Packy_1962 asked for it. some boys just don't realize that their silence is taken as indifference. But it is pretty clear that if the desired outcome isn't discussed most human beings keep going in the established direction. In physics it's called inertia. I don't know what it's called in love, but I've seen the momentum, it can get ugly.

If, however, the boyfriend proves himself to be a prick, the OP cannot justify feeling that the boyfriend's behavior is deserved or reflective of a need for further change. That may best be interpreted as a sign to leave or get counseling.



nobody is a mind reader. the best way to find out if someone might do something your way is (in my experience) to let them know what your way is. if they don't know you have a preference, their way is just honky dory. And sometimes having these conversations leads to stunning revelations of why people are doing things their way. And why you want them your way. And where there might be room to negotiate. Without the conversation, you don't get these as immediately.

And, there is a palpable difference between a guy doing the things you ask because you ask, "oh, sigh, how fast can I get this done, can't you just shut up already about how your back hurts, jeez, I rubbed your feet, what else do you want" and a guy doing things because you asked and it just hadn't occurred to him "wow, she likes flowers. hey, flowers get a lot of mileage. I wonder what else she likes. hey, honey, glad you're home. I cleaned the toilet. And uh, took the dog for a walk. you smell nice today and those shoes make you look so...tall." I mean, who hasn't heard about the stereotypical _you never send flowers_ conversation, followed by a once in a lifetime flower delivery? If he's got a brain and you explain it well, you can work together to get him to see what you want without a diagram. or with a just a crib sheet tucked into his wallet.
posted by bilabial at 8:54 PM on November 28, 2005

Wait a minute - did you quit? Or are you at "less than a pack a week"? Because to a non-smoker, that's like saying you only sleep with hookers once every three years. It may be that he simply sees your adoption of a fundamentally healthy behavior as not necessitating reinforcement or congratulations. Thickheaded, but not willfull or intentional.

Let him know how you feel, and that his encouragement would really help.
posted by docpops at 8:57 PM on November 28, 2005

How can I get this from him without asking for it?

That I don't know. However, I don't think it's too tacky to ask in the context of seeking support. For example, you could tell him that at the one-month mark of nonsmoking, the two of you are going to do something nice/fun/etc.

Rewarding new behavior you're trying to create is important. In your situation, the impetus has been placed on you to create the rewards, but you can always include him in those rewards/make him part of the reward (as long as he's willing).
posted by neda at 9:01 PM on November 28, 2005

I went through this exactly with my husband. I think part of it was his total lack of understanding of how hard quitting is and the other was his attempt at a kind of reverse psychology. He almost taunted me with a kind of "yeah yeah - you're quitting - I'll believe it when I see it" kind of attitude. I must admit that proving him wrong is definitely a factor in me getting to almost 4 years of smoke free living.
I grew up in an environment of serious (maybe too much?) positive reinforcement - my husband didn't. He believes you should do things for yourself and not for the praise that comes from others - so I just have to accept that if that is what I need - he's not the one to give it to me.

I told him a million times that I wanted a cookie for not smoking - he had harassed me (good naturedly) for ages about it- and he just wasn't going to give me one. One person can't meet all your needs - call your mom or an old friend who knows how much you loved smoking. They'll all give you boxes of cookies.

Congrats - I know how hard it is. Know that if you don't start again - you never have to go through this quitting nonsense ever again. Good luck!
posted by Wolfie at 9:03 PM on November 28, 2005

As far as I can tell you're experiencing a normal human reaction to a feeling that you've sacrificed something for your boyfriend, and you are instinctively expecting that sacrifice to be acknowledged in some meaningful way. Even though you say you didn't quit for your partner, it's very normal for that kind of reaction to surface when dealing with any attempt to quit an addiction where a partner's repeatedly expressed opinion has become part of the motivation.

As to the rest of your question, your partner felt entitled to share his feelings about your smoking with you, so you should be entitled to share your feelings about quitting and support with him. Whether you 'ask' for his support while talking to him about it is up to you, but very few relationship problems / issues get fixed through silence.

Remember, also, that nicotine is a mild stimulant, and your body and brain are probably still adjusting to the reality of a sudden cease of a steady supply of that stimulant. That, coupled with the fact that you're almost certainly still battling the psychological addiction that usually accompanies smoking may mean that right at this moment things that wouldn't normally seem all that upsetting may, for a while, seem more so.

Ultimately, the important thing is that you quit. It isn't easy for most people to do, so don't lose sight of that as a major victory while pondering how to receive more positive feedback from your boyfriend.

And, well done by the way!
posted by planetthoughtful at 9:09 PM on November 28, 2005

Non-smokers don't have a clue how hard it is to quit!

Congrats!
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:37 PM on November 28, 2005

The problem isn't the discrepancy between the negative comments when I was smoking, and the lack of positive ones now that I've quit. It's that I don't think he can relate to the situation, and therefore doesn't notice the accomplishment.

So what? Like I said earlier, you probably will find more of what you're looking for by relating to others who have quit smoking. In fact, several people in this thread quit smoking and seemed to appreciate your effort. For you to want your boyfriend to relate to something he clearly can't relate to is unfair to him.

I wish you the best of luck kicking the habit completely. I hear it's hard as hell. But don't expect me to get all excited over your accomplishment because I plainly can't relate. And neither can your boyfriend.
posted by ryanhealy at 9:40 PM on November 28, 2005

One last comment -- the pathology of addiction can be very subtle. One of the hurdles many people face is the tendency to look for 'permission to relapse'. I don't mean that you'd be looking for someone to say 'it's okay for you to start smoking again,' but that there's a tendency amongst people trying to kick an addiction to justify a relapse (ie give themselves permission) based on whatever can be conveniently used to explain or internally justify the relapse.

I don't know if your current state is one of, "my boyfriend isn't being as supportive as he should be, so why did I give up in the first place, I might as well just take it up again," but if you are teetering on that edge it may help a little to know that some part of that feeling could well be coming from a fairly normal desire to give yourself permission to keep smoking.
posted by planetthoughtful at 9:41 PM on November 28, 2005

When I was quitting, my girlfriend was worried that she might come across as less than encouraging, so she told me up front that she wasn't going to be congratulating me constantly because she knew a) it might not last and b) she knew she was going to be fighting as it was to keep my attention away from cigarettes. This was, of course, the second time around. Maybe this is his mindset...?

Also, perhaps strong encouragement would actually be a bad thing. If you make a big deal out of it, you start thinking about quitting as being a really big deal, then you start thinking, well, one cigarette's not a big deal... and you know very well where that leads.

If you really feel you need it though, for god's sake please tell him. Many men are simply bad at picking up on these things. It's not because we aren't trying, it's just a perception thing. Take it from me, you'll be doing him a favor by telling him.

Oh, and good job, and good luck!
posted by dsword at 9:50 PM on November 28, 2005

Point taken, honey. Good job!

P.S. I love you!
posted by ludwig_van at 9:55 PM on November 28, 2005

How can I get this from him without asking for it?

You can't. If you want something, ask for it.

Is it possible that he is just being nonchalant about it because he doesn't want to make such a big deal about it in a way that would add pressure and stress to the process? - necessitas

This is a possibility. When my SO quit smoking, I was thrilled. But I was very careful to not make too big of a deal about it so that I didn't pile on pressure and stress or and make him hesiatant to be honest with me if he went back to it. I know that quitting smoking is hard - so hard I can't possibly understand - so I tried to stay out of it. I didn't want to make his quitting about me. It's about him.

Also, good for you! Every time you choose not to pick up a cigarette, you're choosing your health and your money and taking back control of your life. Congratulations.
posted by raedyn at 6:34 AM on November 29, 2005

Your boyfriend's job isn't to make you feel good about quiting smoking.

What a ridiculous statement. Either his "job" has nothing whatever to do with her (unless she pays his salary), or (in a more relevant sense) it's to be a good boyfriend to her, which in this case means appreciating an achievement that he was nagging her about. If my wife quit smoking, you'd better believe I'd let her know how happy I was, and I find it hard to understand why anybody would take the attitude this guy is taking unless, like ryanhealy, he "can't relate." It's OK for ryanhealy not to relate; he's not her boyfriend. This guy is, and it's his job to "relate" to her. Unless he just doesn't give a shit.

Your boyfriend is probably otherwise a nice guy or you wouldn't be with him.

You and I must be living on different planets; on mine, a whole lot of jerks have girlfriends.
posted by languagehat at 6:48 AM on November 29, 2005

Some people are just not good at providing positive feedback. I've had supervisors, managers and bosses who'd flay the meat off your bones if you did something wrong, but maybe grunt a word or two if you got it right.

I've never enjoyed this, but I imagine that the mindset is that getting things right is expected: you don't get a cookie for doing what you're supposed to. It's like being showered with praise for doing the dishes, or passing with a C-minus. It may come across as a bit harsh, but it's not necessarily wrong.

Anyway, a thought occurred. Imagine two scenarios, both of which probably hypothetical. It's possible that he doesn't understand how hard it is to quit, in which case he may not appreciate the effort or the significance. But what if he does understand how hard it is to quit, and he's not going to make a big deal over it when it's only been two weeks -- you're not there yet.
posted by mcwetboy at 7:02 AM on November 29, 2005

When I quit, I didn't want anyone to congratulate me, or encourage me, or even mention my quitting, partly because I was trying not to think about cigarettes, but mostly because I wanted to quit for myself, by myself. Is he this sort of person? Does he (probably mistakenly) think that you are? Projection is a terrible thing.
posted by buxtonbluecat at 7:29 AM on November 29, 2005

Late to the party here, but I wanted to put in my $.02. I agree with buxtonbluecat - when I quit I didn't really want to talk about it - I thought of it as a bad/stupid behavior that I didn't want to dwell on. When I hear that someone else is quitting smoking I often say something like "good job" and leave it at that.

I guess in my mind it's kind of like when someone who loves to punch themselves in the head all the time suddenly decides to stop - good for them; that was weird and unfortunate that they were doing that, and I'm inclined to help them distance themselves from that part of their life, not discuss it. Now, if that same person wanted to talk about the head punching and wanted to let me know just how difficult it really was to quit, I'd be all ears and supportive in whatever way possible.
posted by soplerfo at 7:50 AM on November 29, 2005

When my dad quit smoking (about 3 packs a day for 30 years), my mother barely said a word about it. My dad and I were totally baffled by it, and he was quite disappointed that she wasn't encouraging and congratulatory.

I finally asked her about it and she said she was afraid to even *mention* it because it would remind my dad that he quit, remind him about smokes, and make him start smoking again. Doesn't make any sense to me, but it's kind of that "don't talk about his dead wife - you'll remind him she's dead!" thing that some people have.
posted by tristeza at 8:18 AM on November 29, 2005

I'm friends with a couple; one of them smokes and the other *hates* it. I also hate dealing with the secondhand smoke all the time. The smoker has tried to cut down, and when doing so tends to constantly fish for "good boys!", at least when I'm around.

Given how much the smoking irritates me, I'm actually fairly loath to praise him for smoking "only three cigarettes" or whatever, because I'm still having to spend time ducking his smoke. And on the occasions when he does quit, which don't last long, I tend to think of the quitting as a single event ("I quit, now it's over") as opposed to an ongoing thing, so again the constant fishing annoys me.

My attitude is not charitable, at all, and I'm not claiming it is. And I've been around other smokers who don't bother me nearly as much. But knowing how personally annoyed I am at this particular guy's smoking, and also how supremely annoyed his boyfriend is by the smoking, I find the constant "Look how good I'm being!!!" comments really annoying. It feels like trying to have a conversation with a three-year-old in the room -- "Mommy, can I have a cookie *now*????"

So while I do think you should explain to him that you're not getting what you need, you may want to back off on the fishing for congratulations -- if he's anything close to as contrary as I can be, that may be what's pushing him to stay silent.

On preview: I'm coming across as really cranky; sorry. Even taking away the smoking issue, I think the behavior pattern of "woman fishing for encouragement, guy getting annoyed and/or not getting the hint at all" is fairly common, and may be mostly what's going on here. You need to talk to him in a more straightforward way so that he doesn't feel manipulated, either because he's getting dragged into saying things he doesn't want to say or because you're holding him accountable for reading your mind.
posted by occhiblu at 8:46 AM on November 29, 2005

docpops raises a good point: From the perspecive of a non-smoker, "less than a pack/week" isn't the same as "quitting". That's a little like an alcoholic wanting to be congratulated for only having a couple of drinks per week. Why would he congratulate you for stopping self-destructive behaviour when you haven't actually, well, stopped?

Disclaimer: I've never smoked, I don't know what it's like to quit. My comments are intended to illuminate your BF's mindset, not to berate you personally.
posted by Johnny Assay at 8:57 AM on November 29, 2005

Since no one seemed to catch it, I'm the boyfriend in question here. We've talked about it and come to an understanding.

Although, in my defense, she had "quit" several times before, and I don't think I had registered that this time was for real. I definitely can't relate to the difficulty of quitting. I'm sure it would be even harder than me quitting MeFi, though. Thanks for the responses.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:31 AM on November 29, 2005

Heh. I thought you were just a good guy, trying to be supportive of a stranger on the internet. Glad to hear you worked it out.
posted by occhiblu at 9:32 AM on November 29, 2005

Which was more influential, the friend, or the words of the friend -- and to which to owe a greater thanks, the warning, or the warner? The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and the reward for oiling it is no squeaking.
posted by vanoakenfold at 9:41 AM on November 29, 2005

Less than a pack a week isn't quitting.

When he is only marginally responsive to how far I've come, it makes me want to relapse.

You started smoking in the first place, you can only quit if you're doing it because you want to, and it will be your fault if you relapse.

Ideally your boyfriend would make more supportive comments since he nagged you about it, but if he thinks smoking's really gross, he may not feel too enthusiastic about congratulating you for not doing something he thought was disgusting.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:51 AM on November 29, 2005

Without trying to sound harsh, I have plenty of friends who have "given up" and then relapsed after less than 6 months.

Or they've "given up" and only have the occasional smoke.

Either way, they haven't given up at all and the only people they are kidding is themselves.
posted by mr_silver at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2005

Ludwig? You should dump him then! I disagree with his taste in music! (Glad to hear things were resolved...)
posted by klangklangston at 11:02 AM on November 29, 2005

My boyfriend used to tell me how awful, unhealthy, and gross it was that I smoked, and now I've quit, but he hasn't said a word. How do I get him to show me some positive support?

If he's not telling you how awful, unhealthy, and gross it is that you smoke anymore, that's positive support right there.

After you've been smoke-free for a year suggest a celebration.
posted by kindall at 11:25 AM on November 29, 2005

What you're asking here is similar to a person who is a complete ass turning into a nice person, and then expecting a pat on the back.

If by "similar" you mean "not the same in any useful or rational respect", then sure.
posted by theonetruebix at 11:40 AM on November 29, 2005

However, and I say this with no joy, it sounds like your boyfriend is either planning to break up with you soon, or is preoccupied by some other issue major enough to have a bigger affect on your relationship than the fact that you've quit smoking.

Or maybe he's just a bit of an ass. You're reading way too much into it.

Either way, there is no way to get someone to do something like that without actualy telling them to do it.
posted by delmoi at 12:30 PM on November 29, 2005

Oops, I hadn't read the whole thread, since he's posting on mefi clearly he's not an ass, or even a bit of one :P
posted by delmoi at 12:40 PM on November 29, 2005