Ex responded to text & apologized, but then asked me not to reply back
May 20, 2015 10:58 AM Subscribe
Both of us are in our late 20's. Not sure if it is relevant to anyone, but he was a Scorpio, and I a Cancer/Gemini cusp, ( I am into astrology and so I feel signs have some importance.) We were together for a few months, and it was very up and down, sometimes on again/off again, however there were strong feelings there for a majority of the time, We were at the point of talking about our future, saying I love you,etc. and Well, it ended pretty badly between us...
Things *seemed* fine, and then one saturday night i gave him a call and no answer, but then I got a text from his phone saying that he was "busy" and they would let him know i called. I asked who is this , and they responded "his distraction for the night." At this point, we weren't together anymore, but still talking and well I thought we were still trying to work things through. I figured this was a girl that wrote me, and out of anger and hurt, I did not respond anymore.
Well, two weeks passed, and I heard nothing from him, and I didn't say anything to him either.
Then, going into three weeks, I decide to write to him, since I had already felt almost completely moved on from him. I text him one long message, expressing my hurt feelings and how much of a jerk he was especially at the very end, and I express how I am strong and will no longer let him get me down anymore.
He never replied until now, a week after I sent that text, he has replied with one long text message.
In his message, he apologizes, says his phone was off for a while, and also that he was talking again to his ex girlfriend. He says things didn't work out, and that he feels terrible for leaving me in the dark about it and apologizes some more for his actions, and then says he hopes everything is going good with me. At the very end, he says he would not like me to respond to him, but that if I feel I have to, well then he can't stop me.
I feel stuck, unsure what to do now. If I was to respond, it might include something along the lines of wishing him well, letting him know I am doing great, possibly being a slight bit harsh and saying that yes it hurt for awhile, but I'm doing Way better now without him and wish him well with his ex or whoever becomes his next girlfriend...
My questions here are :
Has anyone ever had something similar happen to them ? I do not understand why he says for me not to respond? Anyone that has gone through something similar, maybe you could shed some light onto why he would't like a response back ?
I have had people in the past reach out to apologize to me for their behavior, including past ex-boyfriends, but never has one NOT wanted me to respond to them, they all DID want to hear back from me, hence, them reaching out in the first place knowing that I very well might have something to say and/or might start talking to them again. Also, my thinking is, if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?
For anyone that might tell me to forget him and move on, I've already done a great job of that...
I'm just a bit confused here as I've never had someone before apologize and show regret for their behavior, and then tell me not to respond to them?
Things *seemed* fine, and then one saturday night i gave him a call and no answer, but then I got a text from his phone saying that he was "busy" and they would let him know i called. I asked who is this , and they responded "his distraction for the night." At this point, we weren't together anymore, but still talking and well I thought we were still trying to work things through. I figured this was a girl that wrote me, and out of anger and hurt, I did not respond anymore.
Well, two weeks passed, and I heard nothing from him, and I didn't say anything to him either.
Then, going into three weeks, I decide to write to him, since I had already felt almost completely moved on from him. I text him one long message, expressing my hurt feelings and how much of a jerk he was especially at the very end, and I express how I am strong and will no longer let him get me down anymore.
He never replied until now, a week after I sent that text, he has replied with one long text message.
In his message, he apologizes, says his phone was off for a while, and also that he was talking again to his ex girlfriend. He says things didn't work out, and that he feels terrible for leaving me in the dark about it and apologizes some more for his actions, and then says he hopes everything is going good with me. At the very end, he says he would not like me to respond to him, but that if I feel I have to, well then he can't stop me.
I feel stuck, unsure what to do now. If I was to respond, it might include something along the lines of wishing him well, letting him know I am doing great, possibly being a slight bit harsh and saying that yes it hurt for awhile, but I'm doing Way better now without him and wish him well with his ex or whoever becomes his next girlfriend...
My questions here are :
Has anyone ever had something similar happen to them ? I do not understand why he says for me not to respond? Anyone that has gone through something similar, maybe you could shed some light onto why he would't like a response back ?
I have had people in the past reach out to apologize to me for their behavior, including past ex-boyfriends, but never has one NOT wanted me to respond to them, they all DID want to hear back from me, hence, them reaching out in the first place knowing that I very well might have something to say and/or might start talking to them again. Also, my thinking is, if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?
For anyone that might tell me to forget him and move on, I've already done a great job of that...
I'm just a bit confused here as I've never had someone before apologize and show regret for their behavior, and then tell me not to respond to them?
You texted him about your hurt feelings and how much of a jerk he was especially at the very end, and how strong you are now.
He apologizes, and that's it. He wants a clean break, as per your own script.
posted by Namlit at 11:07 AM on May 20, 2015 [22 favorites]
He apologizes, and that's it. He wants a clean break, as per your own script.
posted by Namlit at 11:07 AM on May 20, 2015 [22 favorites]
Ignore him. Block his number. Get on with your life.
posted by decathecting at 11:08 AM on May 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 11:08 AM on May 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
Delete his number. Don't text back.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [20 favorites]
You don't sound like you've really moved on. He sounds like he definitely has. You got an apology and a request for no further contact, that's as good a closure as you're going to get, there's nothing else to excavate from the remains of this relationship.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [55 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [55 favorites]
He's telling you that despite being sorry, he doesn't want you in his life anymore. I know it can totally suck not to have the last word, but you are the bigger person here if you let it go.
Also, if you were 90% moved on, you wouldn't care this much. Best to you.
posted by cecic at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [25 favorites]
Also, if you were 90% moved on, you wouldn't care this much. Best to you.
posted by cecic at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [25 favorites]
I once told an ex not to call me any more. And I meant it. I didn't do it because he was a horrible person or because I hated him. I did it because our relationship no longer had any purpose for me and I wanted to get on with my life.
To be blunt, he is finished with you. That sucks and I'm sorry you're hurting, but respect his wishes and do not contact him again.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
To be blunt, he is finished with you. That sucks and I'm sorry you're hurting, but respect his wishes and do not contact him again.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
It doesn't really matter if anyone else has had this experience, or what any of us might say. He has clearly stated his boundaries and now your job is to respect those boundaries. He might have a hundred reasons or none. It doesn't matter. He doesn't want to have contact with you and you must respect that wish.
posted by cooker girl at 11:11 AM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 11:11 AM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
THis is going to be one of those rare AskMes that is a chorus of unanimity. Do not respond.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:14 AM on May 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:14 AM on May 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Anyone that has gone through something similar, maybe you could shed some light onto why he would't like a response back ?
Yeah. Because he doesn't want to talk to you any more. He doesn't want to make decisions about what to say to you, or when, or how to phrase something, or if your text has subtext, or or or or. Like that. That's why.
posted by rtha at 11:17 AM on May 20, 2015 [16 favorites]
Yeah. Because he doesn't want to talk to you any more. He doesn't want to make decisions about what to say to you, or when, or how to phrase something, or if your text has subtext, or or or or. Like that. That's why.
posted by rtha at 11:17 AM on May 20, 2015 [16 favorites]
He wanted you to know he was sorry. He does not want to continue talking to you. That's all.
I know it can be frustrating to refrain from responding, like he got the last word or something, but that's the right thing to do here. Live your life for you, not for him anymore.
posted by jaguar at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I know it can be frustrating to refrain from responding, like he got the last word or something, but that's the right thing to do here. Live your life for you, not for him anymore.
posted by jaguar at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
A person can feel remorse for the way they've treated someone and still want nothing to do with them. He is sorry he didn't handle this better. He no longer wants to hear from you.
When someone comes right out with an blunt "please don't respond," it's often because the other person has ignored softer, politer attempts to end things. While you were on-again-off-again, were there points where you thought he might be pulling away but tried to press on or win him back somehow? If so, that might be why things ended up this way.
I'm sorry this happened to you; it happens to a lot of us. Quietly move on by yourself, and don't try to dig for meanings or motivations, and you will feel better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:29 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
When someone comes right out with an blunt "please don't respond," it's often because the other person has ignored softer, politer attempts to end things. While you were on-again-off-again, were there points where you thought he might be pulling away but tried to press on or win him back somehow? If so, that might be why things ended up this way.
I'm sorry this happened to you; it happens to a lot of us. Quietly move on by yourself, and don't try to dig for meanings or motivations, and you will feel better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:29 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
Believe it or not, this guy is protecting you from an awful experience. Please make sure to water the relationships in your life that are working today. This person is being awful, and you have the power to stop gazing at awfulness.
His apology isn't sincere, and if he follows up with a more sincere one in the future, it will probably be because he wants something from you or is seeking to control you in some manner. That's just how morons be.
posted by phaedon at 11:30 AM on May 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
His apology isn't sincere, and if he follows up with a more sincere one in the future, it will probably be because he wants something from you or is seeking to control you in some manner. That's just how morons be.
posted by phaedon at 11:30 AM on May 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
Also, if I told someone not to respond to me, the very first thing I would do after that is add them to my spam/blocked/filtered list. If you respond, he will not respond to your reply and you should assume he never even saw it. Whatever emotional release you are hoping for will not come from replying.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:34 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:34 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I feel stuck, unsure what to do now
Do not contact him.
Respect his wish to not be contacted.
Respect yourself.
Really move on.
posted by Everydayville at 11:34 AM on May 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
Do not contact him.
Respect his wish to not be contacted.
Respect yourself.
Really move on.
posted by Everydayville at 11:34 AM on May 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
Don't wish him well -- he doesn't deserve it from you considering how he treated you, and furthermore he doesn't want it. You want to respond with something high and mighty and perfect because you want him to feel the sting of what a wonderfully mature and one-that-got-away-candidate person you are. That will pass in time - he's a narcissist who won't care. You'll feel bad that you did anything but pick up and move on with your life to meet someone who is a kind and caring adult if you respond to him in any way. Block that mofo, hold your head high. You have dodged a bullet!
posted by pazazygeek at 11:36 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 11:36 AM on May 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
It doesn't sound like there's anything good to be had for either of you in continuing this. Walk away, do not resume contact.
I can imagine that if I were in his position, having done the "just dropping contact and never responding" thing, whether from anxiety or fear or just life getting in the way of me breaking up properly, I might feel like the right thing to do would be to reach out one more time and make sure I'd provided a clear end, apology, and farewell rather than leave the other person wondering what had happened. I can imagine that I would want to do that, but would not want to get into a drawn-out discussion/drama/recrimination, and might therefore tell the other person that we needed to cut contact. I might feel genuinely sorry for my actions and want to convey that, without wanting to re-open wounds that had just started to heal.
Now, it doesn't sound like this guy handled any of this well, at all. But if you're speculating on possible motivations, there's one. Ultimately you're just not going to know, and you'll come out of this a happier and stronger person if you focus your energy on yourself and on moving forward, rather than dissecting the past.
posted by Stacey at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can imagine that if I were in his position, having done the "just dropping contact and never responding" thing, whether from anxiety or fear or just life getting in the way of me breaking up properly, I might feel like the right thing to do would be to reach out one more time and make sure I'd provided a clear end, apology, and farewell rather than leave the other person wondering what had happened. I can imagine that I would want to do that, but would not want to get into a drawn-out discussion/drama/recrimination, and might therefore tell the other person that we needed to cut contact. I might feel genuinely sorry for my actions and want to convey that, without wanting to re-open wounds that had just started to heal.
Now, it doesn't sound like this guy handled any of this well, at all. But if you're speculating on possible motivations, there's one. Ultimately you're just not going to know, and you'll come out of this a happier and stronger person if you focus your energy on yourself and on moving forward, rather than dissecting the past.
posted by Stacey at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I made a similar request to an ex, though I did it in person. I asked him to stay away from me because we'd gone through several rounds of break-up, make up, then break up again. I needed the cycle to stop. It probably wasn't the best, most mature thing to do, but it did stop the cycle. So maybe that's what your ex was thinking. In any event, respect his boundaries and don't contact him.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:55 AM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:55 AM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you were over him, you'd have pretty much forgotten him. I think you're angry because you haven't had the last word and you can't continue to think that he's so bad of a person that he wouldn't apologise. I think you want to rub his nose in it a little more. I think you wish he hadn't said that just so you could feel justified in sending that nasty message you've been thinking about sending, but now he's asked for no contact, you know you'd feel guilty for doing it. I'd guess he wants you to not contact him because he knows what sort of message he'd receive.
All of which is a completely human reaction. But the faster you move on completely the better off you'll be. Every time you think an angry thought about him, every time you have a revenge fantasy (lawd knows I've been there), every time you want to call him, you're giving him space in your brain. You're letting him continue to affect your emotional life. Move on as fast as you can for your own sake, because you'll feel much better when you do.
The question is, why do you want to contact him? If you didn't want to, him cutting off contact wouldn't bother you one iota.
posted by Solomon at 12:05 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
All of which is a completely human reaction. But the faster you move on completely the better off you'll be. Every time you think an angry thought about him, every time you have a revenge fantasy (lawd knows I've been there), every time you want to call him, you're giving him space in your brain. You're letting him continue to affect your emotional life. Move on as fast as you can for your own sake, because you'll feel much better when you do.
The question is, why do you want to contact him? If you didn't want to, him cutting off contact wouldn't bother you one iota.
posted by Solomon at 12:05 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well, you know, his request is reasonable and you already knew he was a dick when you sent him the text message, so I'm sure you didn't expect him to say or do anything that would actually make you feel better. He reads you well, though. I bet he knew that asking you not to contact him any more would make you a little crazy and like you need the last word. You could be a dick back to him and text him but that would make you look both crazy and desperate, not even dickish, so even if that's what you wanted to convey, you wouldn't get there.
The sad fact is that most people, male and female, don't break up with a lot of integrity, especially if the "relationship" is a short one, like six months or less. It boggles the mind how on the one hand anyone can think that going radio silent is a cool way to say "I'm done with you" and on the other hand how anyone can think that radio silence means anything other than "I'm done with you." So his methodology is effective.
So yeah it sucks but oh boy there is nothing to be gained from any further contact.
posted by janey47 at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
The sad fact is that most people, male and female, don't break up with a lot of integrity, especially if the "relationship" is a short one, like six months or less. It boggles the mind how on the one hand anyone can think that going radio silent is a cool way to say "I'm done with you" and on the other hand how anyone can think that radio silence means anything other than "I'm done with you." So his methodology is effective.
So yeah it sucks but oh boy there is nothing to be gained from any further contact.
posted by janey47 at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
He doesn't want to hear from you. His loss. Type out every single thing you want to say to him, every emotion and detail, as harsh and/or as needy as you want. Do it stream-of-consciousness style and you might even surprise yourself with the insights you unearth. Get it all out - the hurt and confusion and everything else. Then when you're done, delete it and at the same time say to yourself "I am deleting you from my life." It's done and you're free to find someone who can't wait to hear from you. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 12:13 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 12:13 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
For anyone that might tell me to forget him and move on, I've already done a great job of that...
Wekk no you haven't. When you have forgotten someone and moved on, you get a text message from then and say "Huh, weird" regardless of the content. Then you put the phone down and promptly forget all about it.
You are so far from that you are posting a play by play analysis leading up to a text message.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:16 PM on May 20, 2015 [14 favorites]
Wekk no you haven't. When you have forgotten someone and moved on, you get a text message from then and say "Huh, weird" regardless of the content. Then you put the phone down and promptly forget all about it.
You are so far from that you are posting a play by play analysis leading up to a text message.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:16 PM on May 20, 2015 [14 favorites]
Don't respond. He explicitly told you not to. Don't be a Stacy.
posted by asockpuppet at 12:40 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by asockpuppet at 12:40 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have been in your position before and I feel you. It sucks. Even if you don't want a relationship with your ex, even when you think things were good between you, it still hurts a little. To be honest, it confused me and hurt me for a long time he didn't want me in his life anymore.
I think there are several reasons for the way I felt then. First, it always sucks when people tell you they don't want you in your life. Even people you don't particulary like. It hurts the ego. It als made me feel uncertain about his motives. I thought that maybe he didn't like me as a person anymore, maybe he even hated me. I felt I was being casted as the bad guy in the story, a role I realy realy didn't want to play (even though he would have had enough reasons to think so, we're talking about my late teens/early twenties, I was no angel). But I think the biggest reason I felt so weird and hurt, is that I wanted the narrative of harmony I created in my head to be maintained. In my mind, we had a reasonably great relationship, which didn't really end too well but we made up and we were friends. Somehow, I imagined the hurt I inflicted and the hurt he inflicted on me (to be honest, I was probably the bigger villain) and all the fallout from the lost relationship had disappeared and was solved and everything was fine. Our "friendship" was forced in a way, maybe it was my way of making up, not wanting to let go of what had been lost already. Him not wanting to speak to me anymore was destroying this narrative. I was over him, I wasn't over the relationship yet. I had trouble letting go of the perfect picture and supressed guilt I still felt over breaking up with him.
Soooo this is just an anecdote from my life, but maybe it helps you a little. You are not the only one or crazy for feeling this way. I think that if you examine why you feel these feels right now and getting to the core of the hurt will make you feel better. And I want you to know that I really feel for you. This sucks. These feelings suck. But I know you will get over them eventually.
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 12:41 PM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think there are several reasons for the way I felt then. First, it always sucks when people tell you they don't want you in your life. Even people you don't particulary like. It hurts the ego. It als made me feel uncertain about his motives. I thought that maybe he didn't like me as a person anymore, maybe he even hated me. I felt I was being casted as the bad guy in the story, a role I realy realy didn't want to play (even though he would have had enough reasons to think so, we're talking about my late teens/early twenties, I was no angel). But I think the biggest reason I felt so weird and hurt, is that I wanted the narrative of harmony I created in my head to be maintained. In my mind, we had a reasonably great relationship, which didn't really end too well but we made up and we were friends. Somehow, I imagined the hurt I inflicted and the hurt he inflicted on me (to be honest, I was probably the bigger villain) and all the fallout from the lost relationship had disappeared and was solved and everything was fine. Our "friendship" was forced in a way, maybe it was my way of making up, not wanting to let go of what had been lost already. Him not wanting to speak to me anymore was destroying this narrative. I was over him, I wasn't over the relationship yet. I had trouble letting go of the perfect picture and supressed guilt I still felt over breaking up with him.
Soooo this is just an anecdote from my life, but maybe it helps you a little. You are not the only one or crazy for feeling this way. I think that if you examine why you feel these feels right now and getting to the core of the hurt will make you feel better. And I want you to know that I really feel for you. This sucks. These feelings suck. But I know you will get over them eventually.
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 12:41 PM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh and I couldn't control my urge to force contact and I did sent him a crazy emotional letter. Don't do it. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. Also, it won't make any difference, you won't change his mind. Though I like billiebee's idea, maybe you should write the letter BUT absolutely do not send it.
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 12:47 PM on May 20, 2015
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 12:47 PM on May 20, 2015
At the very end, he says he would not like me to respond to him, but that if I feel I have to, well then he can't stop me.
My take on this is that he's a playah and if he ever wants a booty call, well, you could be one if you keep biting on his fishhook. He's already established that he can ignore you for weeks on end, and even be in bed with someone else and let them shit all over you and your feelings, and you will still be available if he wants you to be the next distraction somewhere down the line.
Delete him from your phone and all other contacts, look in the mirror and say, "He no longer has the pleasure of my company!" Real adults communicate, and a "I'm sorry but my phone was off," is not really a great excuse. He could be in between things or want you to be his in-between thing.
That's cool if you both agreed on that and were very open and communicative about it all, not cool if you wanted to be his main flame and then he dropped you for his ex or another woman without being honest, and leaving you guessing.
Drop him like a hot potato!!!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2015
My take on this is that he's a playah and if he ever wants a booty call, well, you could be one if you keep biting on his fishhook. He's already established that he can ignore you for weeks on end, and even be in bed with someone else and let them shit all over you and your feelings, and you will still be available if he wants you to be the next distraction somewhere down the line.
Delete him from your phone and all other contacts, look in the mirror and say, "He no longer has the pleasure of my company!" Real adults communicate, and a "I'm sorry but my phone was off," is not really a great excuse. He could be in between things or want you to be his in-between thing.
That's cool if you both agreed on that and were very open and communicative about it all, not cool if you wanted to be his main flame and then he dropped you for his ex or another woman without being honest, and leaving you guessing.
Drop him like a hot potato!!!
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:50 PM on May 20, 2015
The reason he doesn't want to hear from you has very little to do with you as a person and a lot to do with him. Don't let it bother you because it's not about you - it's not a referendum on your worth, on your ability to be a good girlfriend, or on anything about you at all. This is about HIM and his desire to shield his sorry butt from feeling shame and guilt over treating you like dirt at the end (and based in your description during) your relationship.
Move on for real. Not for his sake; for yours. Delete. Bye, Felicia. You don't need or want jerks like this in your life anyhow. He's not worth the ten-cent text messaging fee you'd fork over to message him and he's certainly not worth your time or thought or energy.
Focus on the relationships that nurture you as someone above suggested so well. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 1:11 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Move on for real. Not for his sake; for yours. Delete. Bye, Felicia. You don't need or want jerks like this in your life anyhow. He's not worth the ten-cent text messaging fee you'd fork over to message him and he's certainly not worth your time or thought or energy.
Focus on the relationships that nurture you as someone above suggested so well. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 1:11 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't respond to him now or anytime at all. Not because he's telling you so, but because you have nothing to gain from staying in contact with him. He's got nothing to offer that is good for you.
It doesn't mean that he's won. It means that you have moved on. Which ultimately means that in your world, which is where it matters, you have won.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:23 PM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
It doesn't mean that he's won. It means that you have moved on. Which ultimately means that in your world, which is where it matters, you have won.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:23 PM on May 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why does he not want you to respond? Because he doesn't want to hear from you or talk to you. Why? Because... there's no point? There's no relationship anymore, and he isn't interested in continuing any kind of relationship (e.g. friendship). Why? Who really knows? Maybe it's you, maybe it's him. Just consider it one of life's great mysteries.
if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?
Not necessarily. The apology and the end of the relationship are two different things. He apologized for what he did (however sincere it was or wasn't). He also doesn't want you to contact him. The latter could have happened without the former, see?
If I was to respond, it might include something along the lines of wishing him well, letting him know I am doing great, possibly being a slight bit harsh and saying that yes it hurt for awhile, but I'm doing Way better now without him and wish him well with his ex or whoever becomes his next girlfriend...
I don't see the purpose of this other than maybe some ego gratification around getting the last word in. Why bother to communicate when you supposedly are already over him?
he says he would not like me to respond to him, but that if I feel I have to, well then he can't stop me.
I think this part may be confusing you? He says, "Don't contact me again, but if you feel you have to, well, ok." And that seems like he kind of leaves the door open to hearing from you again. Again, who knows why he says this. Maybe he has told other exes before to not contact him and they have.
Just move on.
Re: astrology - your sun signs will barely tell you anything about you/your relationship. It only provides you about 2% of what you need to know. There's also your ascendant, moon sign, other planets, aspects, houses, nodes and who else knows what (I don't).
posted by foxjacket at 1:50 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?
Not necessarily. The apology and the end of the relationship are two different things. He apologized for what he did (however sincere it was or wasn't). He also doesn't want you to contact him. The latter could have happened without the former, see?
If I was to respond, it might include something along the lines of wishing him well, letting him know I am doing great, possibly being a slight bit harsh and saying that yes it hurt for awhile, but I'm doing Way better now without him and wish him well with his ex or whoever becomes his next girlfriend...
I don't see the purpose of this other than maybe some ego gratification around getting the last word in. Why bother to communicate when you supposedly are already over him?
he says he would not like me to respond to him, but that if I feel I have to, well then he can't stop me.
I think this part may be confusing you? He says, "Don't contact me again, but if you feel you have to, well, ok." And that seems like he kind of leaves the door open to hearing from you again. Again, who knows why he says this. Maybe he has told other exes before to not contact him and they have.
Just move on.
Re: astrology - your sun signs will barely tell you anything about you/your relationship. It only provides you about 2% of what you need to know. There's also your ascendant, moon sign, other planets, aspects, houses, nodes and who else knows what (I don't).
posted by foxjacket at 1:50 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is what happens when someone goes no-contact. Let it go. He was just trying to not sound mean.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:58 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 2:58 PM on May 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't respond, let it go, don't contact him any more and try to move on. It'll suck and take some time, but you'll get really-and-truly past it eventually.
Here's a tip to help deal with the urge to contact him, which will keep coming up for awhile: recruit a sympathetic friend to act as your heat-sink for those urges, and every time you have the urge to email or text him, text your friend instead. Your friend can reaffirm that you're doing the right thing by restraining your urges. It'll help you get through this messy, difficult stage of the breakup.
posted by aka burlap at 3:08 PM on May 20, 2015
Here's a tip to help deal with the urge to contact him, which will keep coming up for awhile: recruit a sympathetic friend to act as your heat-sink for those urges, and every time you have the urge to email or text him, text your friend instead. Your friend can reaffirm that you're doing the right thing by restraining your urges. It'll help you get through this messy, difficult stage of the breakup.
posted by aka burlap at 3:08 PM on May 20, 2015
Good grief. Do not respond to your ex any further. Cease all contact immediately. Keep your dignity. I've been in your ex's shoes before (and since astrology means something to you: I'm also a Scorpio like him), in which I had to tell an overly persistent ex who, like you, contacted me out of the blue, way past the point of my boundary discomfort, to Please, Fuck Off -- or rather, I said more polite words to the socially-sanctioned effect of that. Which BTW, is what your ex also did here - and I hope you can now see that. Please choose to see the plain meaning behind his plea for you to refrain from responding to him. I know you are hurting and you clearly have lots of heavy stuff left to process with regard to this relationship (even as you claim you're getting over it...), but he is just not the appropriate target for your messages anymore. In short, you don't want to do anything even approaching what reasonable people might even kind of consider to be stalking behavior.
"I text him one long message, expressing my hurt feelings and how much of a jerk he was especially at the very end, and I express how I am strong and will no longer let him get me down anymore."
Oof! That was an inadvertent turn-off, and a conversation ender. It reads like you still need validation from him-- you probably didn't mean for your message to sound disingenuous, but it did. Because when people are for real "strong" and no longer having any of that shit anymore, they absolutely don't voluntarily go and reopen the can of worms by sending a long, dramatic text message discussing their hurt feelings to someone who has clearly been an ex for over 3 weeks and soooo does not even give a shit. The better way to live that kind of "strong person" message in the future? Just go no-contact immediately, worry about yourself, and focus on living well. Stop looking to exes for emotional validation of any kind.
"Anyone that has gone through something similar, maybe you could shed some light onto why he would't like a response back ?"
Because you already sent one unsolicited, fraught, boundary-crossing message to him and you're not even dating anymore, and part of him fears you turning into a stalker.
"Also, my thinking is, if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?"
Nope! Time to re-align your thinking then. Other people do not see the world the way you do (hello, Scorpios.) People are unique individuals. Believe them when they say they would not like you to contact them! Respect boundaries.
"I'm just a bit confused here as I've never had someone before apologize and show regret for their behavior, and then tell me not to respond to them?"
You're experiencing rejection and a loss. It sounds like you are still in the denial stage of "Grieving a lost amorous relationship" according to The Kübler-Ross Model, where "The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is over. He/she may continue to seek the former partner's attention." Think that through -- your message, and any future messages you might be tempted to send, will only hold you back from grieving this loss and moving on with your life. Hugs to you.
posted by hush at 4:26 PM on May 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
"I text him one long message, expressing my hurt feelings and how much of a jerk he was especially at the very end, and I express how I am strong and will no longer let him get me down anymore."
Oof! That was an inadvertent turn-off, and a conversation ender. It reads like you still need validation from him-- you probably didn't mean for your message to sound disingenuous, but it did. Because when people are for real "strong" and no longer having any of that shit anymore, they absolutely don't voluntarily go and reopen the can of worms by sending a long, dramatic text message discussing their hurt feelings to someone who has clearly been an ex for over 3 weeks and soooo does not even give a shit. The better way to live that kind of "strong person" message in the future? Just go no-contact immediately, worry about yourself, and focus on living well. Stop looking to exes for emotional validation of any kind.
"Anyone that has gone through something similar, maybe you could shed some light onto why he would't like a response back ?"
Because you already sent one unsolicited, fraught, boundary-crossing message to him and you're not even dating anymore, and part of him fears you turning into a stalker.
"Also, my thinking is, if someone truly means their apology, wouldn't they Want to hear from you?"
Nope! Time to re-align your thinking then. Other people do not see the world the way you do (hello, Scorpios.) People are unique individuals. Believe them when they say they would not like you to contact them! Respect boundaries.
"I'm just a bit confused here as I've never had someone before apologize and show regret for their behavior, and then tell me not to respond to them?"
You're experiencing rejection and a loss. It sounds like you are still in the denial stage of "Grieving a lost amorous relationship" according to The Kübler-Ross Model, where "The person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is over. He/she may continue to seek the former partner's attention." Think that through -- your message, and any future messages you might be tempted to send, will only hold you back from grieving this loss and moving on with your life. Hugs to you.
posted by hush at 4:26 PM on May 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
I feel stuck, unsure what to do now.
Take him at his word. Don't respond to him. The End.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:29 PM on May 20, 2015
Take him at his word. Don't respond to him. The End.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:29 PM on May 20, 2015
Is it possible you don't like not having the last word? I know that itch. Do everyone a favor and don't scratch it, it'll go away on its own.
posted by Sunburnt at 4:32 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Sunburnt at 4:32 PM on May 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't contact. You already said your piece and he genuflected. I totally understand your impulse to respond and how strong that can be but it won't accomplish anything.
I think it's also important to not assume why he asked for no contact. The fundamental attribution error shows how terrible most of us are at understanding how others' external situations control their behavior. It's possible he's not in a relationship place right now. Or it's possible that he really hates this situation but shit's crazy and he can't handle it/wants to spare you from it. You just don't know.
If your mind is endlessly obsessing right now, maybe focus on the idea that you can always text him in two years or five. You don't need to do it right now.
posted by JackBurden at 5:11 PM on May 20, 2015
I think it's also important to not assume why he asked for no contact. The fundamental attribution error shows how terrible most of us are at understanding how others' external situations control their behavior. It's possible he's not in a relationship place right now. Or it's possible that he really hates this situation but shit's crazy and he can't handle it/wants to spare you from it. You just don't know.
If your mind is endlessly obsessing right now, maybe focus on the idea that you can always text him in two years or five. You don't need to do it right now.
posted by JackBurden at 5:11 PM on May 20, 2015
"We were together for a few months, and it was very up and down, sometimes on again/off again, "
VERY brief relationship. Rocky. Didn't work out. You wrote a long Thing even though it was clearly over, he was polite and didn't just blow that off -- that would have been rude and made him look like a shit. So he gave you a little dribble back and said, "Okay, I'm sorry. But let there be no misunderstanding. It's really and completely over. Good-bye. Over and out. The end."
There is absolutely no ambiguity here and no reason for confusion. It's over.
Move on. And the next time, when a VERY BRIEF relationship is already "very up and down," let it go.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
VERY brief relationship. Rocky. Didn't work out. You wrote a long Thing even though it was clearly over, he was polite and didn't just blow that off -- that would have been rude and made him look like a shit. So he gave you a little dribble back and said, "Okay, I'm sorry. But let there be no misunderstanding. It's really and completely over. Good-bye. Over and out. The end."
There is absolutely no ambiguity here and no reason for confusion. It's over.
Move on. And the next time, when a VERY BRIEF relationship is already "very up and down," let it go.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Cancer/Geminis have a hard time letting go. As someone who identifies as one, don't cut your own life short by hanging on to something that is already over. Please move on.
posted by yueliang at 7:17 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by yueliang at 7:17 PM on May 21, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by little_miss_m at 11:05 AM on May 20, 2015