Am I Too Fast Or Is He Too Slow? Or Both or Neither?
May 14, 2015 9:44 PM Subscribe
I recently met a man I dig, but I feel like he's being cryptic about his life. I'm not sure if I'm expecting him to open up too fast or if he is being too slow. Either way, do I cut my losses or wait and see?
Though I've dated the past few years, I haven't had a relationship since 2008 (cringe). Part of that is by design because I tend to be so picky, plus I realize a lot of my interests are kind of niche things.
Three weeks ago, I met a guy ("Sam," if you like) the first guy I've really been into for ages. He lives a couple hours from me but came to my town. We met here and spent an amazing night together (dinner/drinks/wandering, no sex), all the while marveling at what we have in common.
When we first struck up conversation, he said he came here to get away from stress in his own life. I just said I was sorry that things were stressful and didn't push it further. However, three weeks later (and we have been in contact), I still don't know what's going on. He'll say cryptic things like "I've been wrestling with some stuff," and I try to let him know he can say more without prying. But it's started to bother me that I have no idea what's going on that has him so upset/preoccupied, and I also don't know if it's directly related to his romantic availability.
Granted, unavailable is unavailable, and it may not matter what the cause is. But I tend to open up really quickly to people, so I have trouble gauging if other people are actually being cagey or if they are just taking a healthy amount of time.
How does this read to you, whatever side of the opening-up timetable you come at it from? Red light, yellow light, purple light?
Though I've dated the past few years, I haven't had a relationship since 2008 (cringe). Part of that is by design because I tend to be so picky, plus I realize a lot of my interests are kind of niche things.
Three weeks ago, I met a guy ("Sam," if you like) the first guy I've really been into for ages. He lives a couple hours from me but came to my town. We met here and spent an amazing night together (dinner/drinks/wandering, no sex), all the while marveling at what we have in common.
When we first struck up conversation, he said he came here to get away from stress in his own life. I just said I was sorry that things were stressful and didn't push it further. However, three weeks later (and we have been in contact), I still don't know what's going on. He'll say cryptic things like "I've been wrestling with some stuff," and I try to let him know he can say more without prying. But it's started to bother me that I have no idea what's going on that has him so upset/preoccupied, and I also don't know if it's directly related to his romantic availability.
Granted, unavailable is unavailable, and it may not matter what the cause is. But I tend to open up really quickly to people, so I have trouble gauging if other people are actually being cagey or if they are just taking a healthy amount of time.
How does this read to you, whatever side of the opening-up timetable you come at it from? Red light, yellow light, purple light?
It sounds like he's not in a good place for a relationship at the moment. I wouldn't automatically say red flag, but he's telling you what you need to know: he doesn't have time (emotionally or physically) for a relationship at the moment or he'd be making plans to see you again.
posted by cecic at 10:07 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cecic at 10:07 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are you dating this person or not?
His cryptic comments at 3+ weeks would freak me out. Also, he just hung out with you to run away from other stuff? That's rude.
I'm throwing down the flag. Back away. it's pretty bullshit that he showed up to run away. I presume he'll run from you once this troublesome episode in his life passes? Why would you think anything else? It's not like he's sharing himself and being open. I think that's the big hint here as to his intentions.
He's wasting your time. Next!
posted by jbenben at 10:21 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
His cryptic comments at 3+ weeks would freak me out. Also, he just hung out with you to run away from other stuff? That's rude.
I'm throwing down the flag. Back away. it's pretty bullshit that he showed up to run away. I presume he'll run from you once this troublesome episode in his life passes? Why would you think anything else? It's not like he's sharing himself and being open. I think that's the big hint here as to his intentions.
He's wasting your time. Next!
posted by jbenben at 10:21 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Seconded. This is some bullshit. People aren't just cryptic and never explain by accident. He's hiding something on purpose and it's probably bad.
Even if totally innocent, you do not want to date someone with a life full of drama who is not ready to prioritize a relationship.
posted by quincunx at 10:25 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Even if totally innocent, you do not want to date someone with a life full of drama who is not ready to prioritize a relationship.
posted by quincunx at 10:25 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't really understand your question. He's explicitly said he's unavailable in the way you seem to be interested and you make no mention of stated intentions by him for that to change. That's not a flag of any kind at that point.
posted by PMdixon at 10:28 PM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by PMdixon at 10:28 PM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sounds like a real drama llama. He's saying,"I'm okay with sex, but don't expect anything human commitment wise, lady!"
I saw ask him flat out if he's looking for a relationship right nowor if it's okay for you to date other guys. If not, dump the joker or he'll just end up being another guy you have to tiptoe around.
Unless you just want to do him while dating other guys. That's okay. Just let him know.
posted by discopolo at 10:47 PM on May 14, 2015
I saw ask him flat out if he's looking for a relationship right nowor if it's okay for you to date other guys. If not, dump the joker or he'll just end up being another guy you have to tiptoe around.
Unless you just want to do him while dating other guys. That's okay. Just let him know.
posted by discopolo at 10:47 PM on May 14, 2015
Sounds to me like a pretty classic case of "guy wasn't feeling it on the first date but for whatever reason (shyness/social inexperience/likes the attention/trying to keep you on the hook as "back-up"/etc.) can't/won't say so directly."
Move on.
posted by kagredon at 10:49 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Move on.
posted by kagredon at 10:49 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: However, three weeks later (and we have been in contact), I still don't know what's going on.
Have you specifically, point blank asked him? None of this "making it clear I'm here without prying" stuff, just straight up asked him?
How does this read to you, whatever side of the opening-up timetable you come at it from? Red light, yellow light, purple light?
It sounds like a yellow light, where neither of you are being clear and you specifically think you're being clear, but it doesn't sound like it.
His vagueness is bothering you. He might might have understandable reasons to be vague or just be asshole. But instead of asking him, you're asking strangers on the internet to get a read on him.That doesn't sound like a good way to start a relationship. Communicate what you want and/or what's bothering you and see where it goes.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:02 PM on May 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
Have you specifically, point blank asked him? None of this "making it clear I'm here without prying" stuff, just straight up asked him?
How does this read to you, whatever side of the opening-up timetable you come at it from? Red light, yellow light, purple light?
It sounds like a yellow light, where neither of you are being clear and you specifically think you're being clear, but it doesn't sound like it.
His vagueness is bothering you. He might might have understandable reasons to be vague or just be asshole. But instead of asking him, you're asking strangers on the internet to get a read on him.That doesn't sound like a good way to start a relationship. Communicate what you want and/or what's bothering you and see where it goes.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:02 PM on May 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
If it bothers you, then bring it up with him. If he can't satisfy your curiosity, and that's a dealbreaker for you, then end it.
I'm quite slow to open up to people, especially people who want to know things about me right off the bat. I'm not hiding anything, I'm just more cautious than some about trusting people. And few things turn me off like prying into my personal affairs or having someone jump to the wrong conclusion about my behaviour.
Some people play games of "I'm not going to say just to pique your curiosity and make you show an interest in me". Some people overshare. Some people are just generally reticent. Ask the guy in question what's up, not people who don't even know him, and then you'll be able to actually see what colour the flag is.
posted by Solomon at 12:55 AM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm quite slow to open up to people, especially people who want to know things about me right off the bat. I'm not hiding anything, I'm just more cautious than some about trusting people. And few things turn me off like prying into my personal affairs or having someone jump to the wrong conclusion about my behaviour.
Some people play games of "I'm not going to say just to pique your curiosity and make you show an interest in me". Some people overshare. Some people are just generally reticent. Ask the guy in question what's up, not people who don't even know him, and then you'll be able to actually see what colour the flag is.
posted by Solomon at 12:55 AM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You don't know if he's unavailable because you've never asked, you're just guessing. He's not particularly communicative but by the same token, dumping a whole lot of issues on someone you've gone out with once is considered too much, too soon for pretty much everyone, and yet again, you haven't asked, so...ask.
He may tell you he's not ready to date, in which case I would be annoyed with him for even starting something in the first place. He may open up. He may stay vague, which would make me run because people who hint at things to be mysterious really irritate me, but either way, find out so you don't waste any more time.
posted by Jubey at 12:58 AM on May 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
He may tell you he's not ready to date, in which case I would be annoyed with him for even starting something in the first place. He may open up. He may stay vague, which would make me run because people who hint at things to be mysterious really irritate me, but either way, find out so you don't waste any more time.
posted by Jubey at 12:58 AM on May 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: How does this read to you, whatever side of the opening-up timetable you come at it from?
If I'm reading your post correctly, you've actually just had one date, three weeks ago. So I don't think we're quite at "significant personal disclosure" level yet.
However, it doesn't matter what I think; it matters what you think. You're willing to dump this relationship so you literally have nothing to lose by not just walking away and instead, using your words to ask for what you need. If what you need is a little more personal disclosure from him to nurture this thing you maybe have going, then just straight up tell him that and see what he says. You can always make a decision from there.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:16 AM on May 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
If I'm reading your post correctly, you've actually just had one date, three weeks ago. So I don't think we're quite at "significant personal disclosure" level yet.
However, it doesn't matter what I think; it matters what you think. You're willing to dump this relationship so you literally have nothing to lose by not just walking away and instead, using your words to ask for what you need. If what you need is a little more personal disclosure from him to nurture this thing you maybe have going, then just straight up tell him that and see what he says. You can always make a decision from there.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:16 AM on May 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
I disagree with the conclusion that this is anything bad or sinister. It could be, but not necessarily. But it could just as easily be something like depression, or something terrible going on with a close friend or family member (e.g. drug addiction, abuse, suicide), or any number of other things that don't make him a bad partner but aren't your business this early in the game. He might still be trying to figure out if it's okay to open up to you.
Take it in context, though. It sounds like he's preoccupied with whatever this thing is, but is otherwise available for you, in which case it's not a red flag. If it seems to be seeping into his mood and behavior, or if he's cryptic and cagey about stuff all the time, or if you get the feeling that "wrestling with some stuff" is his entire life, or if he generally doesn't seem to be into you, then cut your losses. But what you describe here doesn't sound particularly alarming.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:09 AM on May 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take it in context, though. It sounds like he's preoccupied with whatever this thing is, but is otherwise available for you, in which case it's not a red flag. If it seems to be seeping into his mood and behavior, or if he's cryptic and cagey about stuff all the time, or if you get the feeling that "wrestling with some stuff" is his entire life, or if he generally doesn't seem to be into you, then cut your losses. But what you describe here doesn't sound particularly alarming.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:09 AM on May 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It's not clear from your question, but I am assuming his vague statements about being under stress and "wrestling with some stuff" are excuses he is giving you as to why he isn't in regular communication and/or why he can't set a date to see you again in the near future? Otherwise I have a hard time envisioning how this is coming up in conversation.
If it were me, and I really liked a guy who was holding me at arm's length with extremely vague reasons why, I would let him know in a friendly way that I'm open to seeing him again when he's got his situation sorted, and then I'd back right off and go about my business and assume we're done. If he comes back and stops being all weird, great. If not, fine.
So I would say give him some space, DO NOT keep checking in to let him know you are still "there for him" or whatever. He wants space and privacy, let him have it. Move on with your life, date other people or whatever you were doing before you met him. Answer friendly communications in kind, if you are open to a light friendship. But don't push or hint for him to open up, and don't hint about seeing him again. Keep it short, light and upbeat.
If he asks for another date and you want to go, then go. If at this point he keeps alluding to stress and problems, I'd expect a bit more information out of him as to the nature of what is eating him. If it's work or a sick parent or something, he should not need to be completely mum about it, even if he doesn't want to hash over the details. If he still won't give you a general idea of the nature of his ongoing struggles, I'd be done. He's either hiding something, or being dramatic, or his style of communication is very different from yours in a way that is going to cause you unhappiness if you were to get in a relationship with him. Any one of those three would be a deal-breaker for me.
Personally I go for medium-fast disclosure in a relationship. I would probably not spill all the intimate details of my personal problems on a first date, but if there were something that might affect our dating relationship I'd certainly be comfortable disclosing I had a sick parent or work situation that was taking a lot of my time. And I would expect the same from a person I was starting to date. But then I have very little tolerance for games, drama, bullshit and mystery in a person.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:19 AM on May 15, 2015 [8 favorites]
If it were me, and I really liked a guy who was holding me at arm's length with extremely vague reasons why, I would let him know in a friendly way that I'm open to seeing him again when he's got his situation sorted, and then I'd back right off and go about my business and assume we're done. If he comes back and stops being all weird, great. If not, fine.
So I would say give him some space, DO NOT keep checking in to let him know you are still "there for him" or whatever. He wants space and privacy, let him have it. Move on with your life, date other people or whatever you were doing before you met him. Answer friendly communications in kind, if you are open to a light friendship. But don't push or hint for him to open up, and don't hint about seeing him again. Keep it short, light and upbeat.
If he asks for another date and you want to go, then go. If at this point he keeps alluding to stress and problems, I'd expect a bit more information out of him as to the nature of what is eating him. If it's work or a sick parent or something, he should not need to be completely mum about it, even if he doesn't want to hash over the details. If he still won't give you a general idea of the nature of his ongoing struggles, I'd be done. He's either hiding something, or being dramatic, or his style of communication is very different from yours in a way that is going to cause you unhappiness if you were to get in a relationship with him. Any one of those three would be a deal-breaker for me.
Personally I go for medium-fast disclosure in a relationship. I would probably not spill all the intimate details of my personal problems on a first date, but if there were something that might affect our dating relationship I'd certainly be comfortable disclosing I had a sick parent or work situation that was taking a lot of my time. And I would expect the same from a person I was starting to date. But then I have very little tolerance for games, drama, bullshit and mystery in a person.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:19 AM on May 15, 2015 [8 favorites]
I would bet money that he is either married or in some kind of other relationship. You said it best, "unavailable is unavailable", and I think he is.
posted by Katine at 6:08 AM on May 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Katine at 6:08 AM on May 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
Yep, agreed Katine. I think he's attached and too afraid to tell you.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:36 AM on May 15, 2015
posted by honey-barbara at 7:36 AM on May 15, 2015
Best answer: I think "I've been wrestling with some stuff" could mean a lot of things. It could mean someone in his family was just diagnosed with a serious illness, or he maybe he's concerned about being laid off from his job.
Based on my reading of your question, you've had 1 date with this guy 3 weeks ago, and have been in contact but not seen each other in person since. In my opinion, that is WAY too early in dating to be doing the "let me confide in you and tell you all about my problems and ask for your emotional support" thing.
Of course, the other possibility for "I've been wrestling with some stuff" is that he's going through a divorce or something similar. He absolutely owes it to be upfront about his relationship status, but he doesn't owe you disclosure about his personal life outside of that (and honestly, a man unloading about his personal life in great detail between the 1st and 2nd date would be the red flag).
You've had 1 date. You are basically strangers. Still, as a stranger he can still tell you whether he's single. I think you just need to directly ask him, "Are you single?"
posted by Asparagus at 7:50 AM on May 15, 2015 [11 favorites]
Based on my reading of your question, you've had 1 date with this guy 3 weeks ago, and have been in contact but not seen each other in person since. In my opinion, that is WAY too early in dating to be doing the "let me confide in you and tell you all about my problems and ask for your emotional support" thing.
Of course, the other possibility for "I've been wrestling with some stuff" is that he's going through a divorce or something similar. He absolutely owes it to be upfront about his relationship status, but he doesn't owe you disclosure about his personal life outside of that (and honestly, a man unloading about his personal life in great detail between the 1st and 2nd date would be the red flag).
You've had 1 date. You are basically strangers. Still, as a stranger he can still tell you whether he's single. I think you just need to directly ask him, "Are you single?"
posted by Asparagus at 7:50 AM on May 15, 2015 [11 favorites]
Ugh. I'm with Katine. He's having difficulties in his current, long-term relationship and that's what this cryptic bullshit and saying your date is a vacation from his normal context is all about. Ask him straight up if he's single. Do not let him secret-mistress you, you are worth much more than that.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:32 PM on May 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:32 PM on May 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
You haven't been in a relationship for 7 years and are ready for something real, meanwhile he is taking time away from his town to wrestle with some stuff and get away from a stressful situation? You guys are in vastly different situations. Sure, fine, ask him like everyone else here says. But if he gives you something evasive, I'd move on.
posted by salvia at 7:55 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 7:55 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just ask point-blank. Nothing to lose. If he's farting around, better that you know it now. If he's ready for a serious relationship, your asking won't alienate him. People who are dating need to be ready to characterize their situation. Just ask and be ready to move on if he is at all equivocal about his actual availability. He may or may not be a candidate for a relationship right now, and you're well within your rights to find out.
posted by Miko at 8:52 PM on May 15, 2015
posted by Miko at 8:52 PM on May 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Trust your gut though. If it's off, it's off.
posted by taff at 9:48 PM on May 14, 2015 [15 favorites]