Baby don't cry?

May 14, 2015 12:54 PM

My friend's little girl just passed the 6 month mark. She is very afraid of people and will tolerate others being nearby, but if anyone other than mom or dad try holding her it's an instant trigger for tears and screaming. My friend is trying to get the baby more used to me so I can babysit, but it's not going so well. What to do?

She's not really old enough to play interactively, mostly sits in her little baby bouncer or in her parents' laps and looks around at people. She holds toys and sucks on them, but isn't much interested in grabbing at toys that are waved in front of her. She sometimes responds to peekaboo, but only if being held by mom or dad. Sometimes, even waving toys and peekaboo are too scary, and result in tears.

My friend also tried sitting next to me holding the baby, then slowly shifting the baby over to my lap, little by little. But the baby, she knows. As soon as she's most of the way over on my lap, she cries. And once she starts crying, the only thing that soothes her is being back in mom or dad's lap.

The last thing I want is for the baby to associate me with feelings of terror. Is there anything else we could try, or should we back off and wait for the phase to pass?

posted by keep it under cover to Grab Bag (17 answers total)

As near as I can tell, because my friend's kid did the exact same thing for a while, its a phase. And nothing will change that till the kid calms down, probably around the 8 month- year mark
posted by Jacen at 12:57 PM on May 14, 2015 [13 favorites]

I promise you that you won't terrorize the baby. Hold the baby even when she cries. Learn to rock her and bounce her. Hang out while mom is getting stuff done around the house and be the extra set of arms instead of putting her in her bouncer chair. She's going to keep crying. Tell your friend to go ahead and leave her with you. She'll still cry. After a time or two, she'll start to realize you're okay and the crying will decrease. You can't "shape" the behavior of a baby that age. Just do what you've got to do and be a safe person who meets the baby's physical needs and provides affection.
posted by dchrssyr at 1:15 PM on May 14, 2015 [21 favorites]

It's a phase. Just remember that crying in the loving arms of a thoughtful caregiver is not the same as being abandoned in a terrible space.

One trick we used at times during periods of high separation anxiety was to have baby in a stroller facing forward and have the caregiver take the baby for a walk...not quite so many tears for that particular 40 minutes.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:47 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Sometimes babies gonna baby. You have good instincts to not want the baby to associate you with scary times, but if you're doing everything you can to keep her otherwise comfortable and cared for, that's the way it is. I learned this while sitting for my friend's kid who cried at the top of her lungs for three hours, during which I consulted every mom-friend I knew by text and tried about 13 different soothing techniques for everything from teething pain to needing swaddling.

So just be a good caregiver -- particularly when the mama or dad are nearby, but they don't need to be -- and if the baby cries, she cries. That's what (a lot of) babies do.

One thing in general about soothing: my daughter can really sense when someone is trying to cajole her into liking her. I have this aunt who is all "HELLO HELLO HELLO" and pats her on the back as if she were a set of bongoes, and now my kid just crumples when Creepy Great-Aunt M. comes in the room. Think sloooooow and callllllm and lowwww.
posted by St. Hubbins at 1:50 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Everybody above is right. Especially:

Just remember that crying in the loving arms of a thoughtful caregiver is not the same as being abandoned in a terrible space.

If it's not frazzling you, and the parents are okay, it's really okay. Over time, the baby will get used to you. FWIW Sometimes I have luck with holding them with their back to my chest, so I'm not all in their face and everything, they can look out at the world and be distracted by something interesting.

Have you tried having the parents leave the room for a bit? If the baby still sees mom or dad, you're chopped liver and I reckon she might not want to see any toys or anything else. I work in childcare and honestly most babies will get distracted and on to something else in not too long if the parents are out of sight. Some will cry all day if they are new to us, but it's not terribly common.

Also I think babies and young children can really sense people's subtle emotions. If you and the parents can be genuinely calm and confident about the whole thing, I think it can help. If the parents are unsure, I think the baby can pick up on that.
posted by Slimemonster at 2:05 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

Oh also if this kid has only been around mom and dad for the entirety of her life, she is just gonna be like this for a while, and there is no way around the tears, but she can and will obviously learn that other people are okay to be around as well.
posted by Slimemonster at 2:07 PM on May 14, 2015

The baby is trying to signal to parents for help since STRANGE PERSON WILL EAT ME. If she hangs out with you (alone) for a while and doesn't get eaten, she will relax.
posted by benzenedream at 2:18 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

You guys are just going to have to just go for it babysitting-wise. The baby won't "get used to you" while mom is there. Babies don't have too many tools at their disposal. Crying is their major way of communicating. Just be cool, smile, get a baby-wearing device and go walk around the block. And some people react with total horror when I suggest this but when mine was going through a phase like this, I sometimes wore earplugs. I can always hear the crying but it's not quite so all-encompassing. And when she would quiet down, I'd pull them out my ears. If you are there for a few hours, bring some earplugs with you, it'll help you be calm and just relaxed while baby works it out.

But, YMMV and mostly it's first-time parents that have looked at me like I abandoned my kid on the roadside when I suggest earplugs whereas people with more than one baby under their belts have been like, "Oh yeah." So your mom friend might not like this option. :)

One thing that also helped was actually looking at the clock. It's amazing how slowly time seems to go when a baby is crying. You're like, "OMG! This is horrible! She'll never stop crying!!!" and if you actually look at the clock it's been less than 2 minutes. Stick it out with the zen calm for at least 5 minutes. After 1 minute of crying, go outside with baby, go look at some leaves, point out a bird, make sweet little clucking/soothing sounds to her ("you're okay, baby, I got you, you're safe..."), sing a soft lullaby, find a doggie and sound excited ("a doggie! so soft!").... If after 5 minutes, baby is not at all slowing down or responsive to you, take her back to mom and dad and try again another day.
posted by amanda at 2:20 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think you may need to spend some time alone with the baby for her to get used to you - if she's upset and can see her mom or dad, she's going to want to go back to them. If mom & dad aren't around (and assuming she's not hungry/tired/in pain), she will eventually get tired of crying and calm down.
posted by insectosaurus at 2:24 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Almost certainly a phase. I had a period where I could only hold my nephew facing away from me. If I turned him around, he'd scream bloody murder.
posted by ktkt at 2:36 PM on May 14, 2015

Both of my kids took months to stop crying with our babysitter. Months! She's an experienced sitter but even her self confidence took a blow! And at 4 and 1,5 years they both loooooooove her now.

So stay calm, treat the crying like the weather (it simply is) and reassure mom that it's just a phase and you've got this, mom should go out and enjoy the sunshine on her own while you're here.
Both baby and mother will take their cues from you, eventually.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:46 PM on May 14, 2015

Just remember that crying in the loving arms of a thoughtful caregiver is not the same as being abandoned in a terrible space.

Yep. Nor will the crying spell the end of said baby. I feel like there's actually a lot more to risk by never being, or being able to be, OK with your child crying than, ya'know, the kiddo crying.

Crying may feel like nails on a chalkboard to you and them. That's normal. That doesn't mean the child is actually being harmed or at risk of harm. Do what you can while the child cries as long as it doesn't impact your sanity or ability to safely care for the child.

TL;DR : Babies gonna baby.
posted by RolandOfEld at 3:09 PM on May 14, 2015

Lots of good advice above. I'll just add this snippet - babies are super sensitive to smells. If you are wearing perfume, scented lotion or powder, lots of hairspray, scented deodorant, if you smell like any kind of smoke residue, if you use scented laundry detergent, even if you have eaten particularly pungent foods in the last day; any of these can make a sensitive baby unhappy. Basically try being as scent free as possible. Maybe having showered the night before so baby can smell the natural scent of your skin. That's what gives them a lot of comfort when mom & dad are holding them.
posted by vignettist at 12:15 AM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Just as a data point, our nearly six month old (tomorrow!) would cry whenever she saw one of our friends, possibly BECAUSE our friend had babysat her and it was bad timing (she was very sleepy) and screamed the whole time and seemed to have a little bit of sadness associated with this friend, and not with anyone else (this poor friend thinks of herself as a baby whisperer, so this was a bit of a blow for her).

What helped in our situation was not more time alone with the friend, but time with us in the room and the friend hanging out. Like, I'd hold the baby and my friend would chat at her and smile at her and play with her. Then eventually we'd hand the baby over and see how she'd do. If she was upset, I'd just take her back. We had the luxury of slowly acclimating her to the friend, and we see this particular friend a lot. This baby is particularly laid back, so it was surprising that she'd fuss at all, and she got over it over the course of a few weeks.

Our first child would not have worked out quite like this. He was not a laid back baby, and when he was babysat or started daycare, we basically just had to hand him over with him screaming and leave as soon as possible because it would only escalate if we tried to stay and soothe him. He'd usually calm down before too long after we left.

So, as RolandOfEld, babies gonna baby, and babies are gonna cry, and it will pass. Babies are weird little creatures. There is really and truly no magic formula. If I had ANY piece of advice in a situation like this, I'd say to stay "bright." Like, smile, and use a happy voice, and try to charm the baby with energy rather than wincing when they cry. They sense your fear, I swear.
posted by hought20 at 4:58 AM on May 15, 2015

Notes from my experience: this is a normal baby phase...for neurotypical babies. If baby is excessively stressed by Other Things (sensory stuff, like the wind on a face, visual and auditory stuff like a crib mobile), there's a chance baby may be on the autism spectrum. Not something to get too concerned about at this age. But if after a couple of months no change? Something to watch for. Not desensitizing to other people is a sign I wish someone had told me to watch for.
posted by theplotchickens at 5:31 AM on May 15, 2015

My eldest daughter was like this till she was more than a year old. And she was like this from the second she was born. In the hospital, she only accepted the midwife and me. Later, much later, she accepted her father. At 6 months, she accepted a professional babysitter who had worked with children for 30 years. At 8 months, paternal grandmother came on the list, as well as maternal great aunt. No one else till well after 12 months. Courageous friends and family dealt with her screaming to give me some time off, but she screamed and then screamed. One of my sisters almost gave up on having children after a terrible night.
Now, she is the sweetest young lady and all the people she terrorized have forgiven her because she is so engaged in family and friends.

My younger child never screamed, but she didn't and doesn't engage with anyone either, unless there is a lot of trust and intimacy. So she was an easy baby and a somewhat distanced child. Several family members have been a little scared of her. When you get to know her, she has the best sense of humor and is as loyal and loving as an elephant. But you are on trial for years.

TLDR: in my experience the only cure is time, but time will bring you wonderful gifts
posted by mumimor at 7:43 AM on May 15, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks Mefites, I'm not going to pick a best answer because these are all so helpful.

One thing that scares me about letting her cry (and I think it scares my friend too) ... this kid cries and screams so hard, I fear for her safety. A few days ago, even in the arms of her dad, with her mom offering delicious food, I watched her work herself up into such a frenzy of crying that she sounded like she was about to choke on her own snot and saliva. My friend says she has cried so hard for no discernible reason that her little voice was hoarse for the rest of the day.

I made the mistake of googling whether babies can come to harm from crying too much, and saw all kinds of horrors about crying it out, including supposed cases of babies dying, sustaining brain damage, and other things that sound crazy at first but seem entirely plausible when I see my friend's baby at peak meltdown.

Is there a point of too much crying that we should look out for? Sorry if this is ridiculous stuff, I have no experience babysitting for kids younger than 18 months, and my first-time-mom friend is at a loss too.
posted by keep it under cover at 10:49 AM on May 15, 2015