Am I being silly?
May 11, 2015 5:21 AM   Subscribe

I'm having conflicting desires regarding my future. Is this a 'the grass is greener' scenario, or should I be making changes to my life? Complication: anxiety.

Me: 30 year-old heterosexual female in the UK on medication for general anxiety disorder, which is a million times better than it was before I went on medication about a year and a half ago. It got to the point where I wasn't able to be in a relationship at all because my anxiety about it/life/everything was so awful, and I kept freaking out before anything ever went anywhere with someone. I've suffered from anxiety all my life, and it wasn't until I started medication that I realised how crippling it was.

My question:

A lot of this boils down to my current relationship (of roughly 1 year), which I'm mostly happy with... but wondering if I shouldn't be?

I'm in a relationship with someone closer to 40 than I am, and it's really good in the sense that we have common interests (and a lot of different ones as well), I feel comfortable with him and that I can share anything with him, we have compatible sex drives, my friends like him, my family likes him... And he's been open with me from the start that he doesn't ever want to settle down and/or have kids, even to the point that he doesn't think he ever wants to live with a girlfriend again.

I'm happy that he's been honest with me from the get-go, and at first I was fine with the idea of just seeing where it went with him, but as time goes on I'm not sure I am anymore. In my head, I really want to live with someone and share a life with them (marriage and children optional). But when it comes to real life, I like living my own life by myself. I like coming home to an empty flat. I like my routine. I've never been in a relationship with someone I want to spend all my time with; the longest I've managed to live with a boyfriend has been six months, when I was in my mid-20s, and by that point I wanted to kill him. Also, it's really hard for me to find someone I like, and dating is the worst.

I guess my questions is: I'm pretty happy with my life now and that my boyfriend and I don't live together, but it's not how I envision my future, even though I have no evidence that it'll ever happen to me. Should I break up with him and actively be looking for someone I can live with, especially now that my anxiety is being handled, or should I try to be happier with my reality and stop daydreaming about this hypothetical perfect relationship where I get along so great with someone that I don't mind having him around all the time? Or does this just sound like another symptom of my anxiety, and people without anxiety wouldn't be worried about this at all?
posted by toerinishuman to Human Relations (14 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm a big fan of the solo life, and have been single for long periods, lived alone, very much enjoyed it.

The fact that you sound like you're coming back repeatedly to this question suggests though, that something is lacking for you in the current situation. Is there anything to stop you from taking a break for a while? Maybe you need to go off and live your life under entirely your own steam for a while, to figure out where the gap is that's provoking these questions and whether it's coming from your relationship or something outside of it.

Don't be afraid to do this. Someone I know broke up with her boyfriend of many years to go off and find herself and 18 months later they got back together and got married (very happily). Another similarly took a break for a year, had some adventures, and came back married the guy she'd broken up with and had a kid with him. Taking a break doesn't mean an ending, unless that's what you find out is the answer to what you need.

Maybe it isn't! Maybe your career needs a change or a boost, or you've lived in the same place for too long. It could be something else. But something's definitely not right and I think you're going to need to step back from your relationship to find out what.
posted by greenish at 5:40 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


Good relationships are hard to find so I wouldn't break up unless you're unhappy with something about your actual relationship with your boyfriend and you don't think it can be fixed or lived with.
Living solo but in a relationship seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but if you want to think about living together at some point, maybe think about what it is you like about having your space to yourself - is it the control of the environment, the privacy, the ability to do what you want? A lot of those things can be replicated if you live with someone as long as you are both onboard with each others expectations.
posted by crocomancer at 6:01 AM on May 11, 2015 [6 favorites]


Best answer: If your future plans involve living with someone and possibly having kids with them, then you're going to have to make some decisions fairly soon about how those plans will change or be pursued. I think the best way to envision which plan is best for you is to put yourself at 55 or 60 and in the same situation you're in now (living separately, but really happy with one another, no kids) and then in another situation (settled down, maybe kids?) and see which works better for you.

Nobody is guaranteed the life they dream, but if you want something and don't try for it, then you may be selling yourself short. Then again, if you stumble into something just as good or better, you may want to count your blessings.
posted by xingcat at 6:44 AM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


This does not sound like a symptom of your anxiety at all.

Your anxiety doesn't make you terribly undatably flawed and mandate that you should "be grateful for scraps" - whether or not you consciously feel that way, I kind of got that subtext from the way you describe yourself.

I get the sense that you could forgo marriage and children but living with someone as you get older is important to you. I think this is entirely reasonable and common.

It is good to have someone to come home to and rely on and I think you will be willing to find a lot of guys out there who will be willing to live with you, whether or not marriage or kids is on the table.

As to whether or not you can stand to live with someone- there is a big difference between mid 20s and mid 30s and an apartment vs a house and I think you sense this.
posted by quincunx at 7:02 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do you feel securely attached to your current partner, or do you find yourself anxious about what he is doing when you are not around? (The answer to anxiety about that would be stronger attachment, not closer surveillance, of course.)
posted by puddledork at 7:04 AM on May 11, 2015


Your partner has shut a door on you and therefore he's impeding the ability of the relationship to change and grow, whereas you recognize that you may change and grow in the direction of wanting more intimacy.

When he states his preference, he's putting himself in a very powerful role ("no matter what you do, Honey, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter how well we get along, no matter how much I love you, I will never never ever want to live with you and become your closest family member and you have exactly zero say in this matter.")

I may be very wrong about this, but I tend to think that some anxiety, some of the time, is actually fear of feeling and expressing one's own anger and frustration at others. When your partner says he knows that he will never ever want to live with you, it's kind of a rejection, isn't it? (even if you want the same thing). It seems quite "reasonable" that you might feel anxiety, fear, frustration, and/or anger about this situation -- and that you may not be totally aware of some of these feelings and certainly be afraid of expressing some of them (after all, you've already been given these strict limits on your relationship -- why would you believe that all of your feelings would be accepted and respected?)

And now for our meme: have you tried therapy? Is that a part of your treatment for G.A.D.? Maybe it would help for you to explore your own feelings of powerlessness in this relationship and in your life in general and how they may be contributing to your anxiety?

(Note: I am not your therapist)

P.S. No, you are not being silly.
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:24 AM on May 11, 2015 [7 favorites]


I don't think there's anything strange at all about wanting to live separately, or having the option for a breather now and then, if you can afford it. There are comforts in living with a partner. Not everyone's like your ex-boyfriend, some may be more compatible. But some of it can also be a mood-killing grind. (For me, it was negotiating household responsibilities; always having to think of or respond to the other person can also be wearing if you're not used to that kind of daily emotional labour.) A big enough place and clear expectations (and/or a cleaning service) could help with a lot of that, though.

That said, it sounds like you're wanting to be able to contemplate sharing some kind of future. Which may involve children, obviously a time-limited option (though I think you have a couple of years). That's totally fair, and unrelated to anxiety, imo.

dating is the worst - this isn't a reason to stay with someone, on its own. I'm sure there are other people you'd find at least as compatible as your current partner, if you have reasonable expectations.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:30 AM on May 11, 2015


It's okay to be happy with your half-single life. One of the things I really miss now that I'm married is that I almost never have the whole house to myself; sometimes I hear his car door slam in the driveway and it feels like I'm 13 again, sneaking potato chips while my parents aren't home. There are times I'd be really happy not having anyone living with me. There are also times I come home to find the laundry mysteriously all done, the bills all paid, or the fridge full of new groceries, and I collapse onto the sofa feeling super thankful that I don't live alone. For me, I know that I basically like living with people - I had roommates for all but 1 year before I got married - so I know that for me, your guy's solo-preference would be a dealbreaker. But I totally know that's not for everyone. You sound like you're mostly sure you're okay with it, but you want to be 100% sure. I think the only thing you can do is to talk with him about it.
posted by aimedwander at 7:39 AM on May 11, 2015


Or does this just sound like another symptom of my anxiety, and people without anxiety wouldn't be worried about this at all?

I'm an anxious person who basically could have written your entire question except for the fact that my guy is closer to my age and I am more certain that I don't want marriage/kids. It's a little more complicated than usual to manage anxiety when you desire things that are non-traditional. I spend a lot of time asking myself "Do you want this because this is what you have, or do you want this because this is what you actually want in the long term?" and I never get to any real conclusion. I am pretty sure I do not want to live with a partner. But I wonder if this is because I am irritable and twitchy (thanks anxiety!) and I truly don't feel like I have options. BUT, I love living alone now and the way my partner and I interact (we've been together seven years) and when it's bumpy it's normal bumps not "Oh I feel like I might want to have a baby now" We have ways of making our relationship very committed without being on a path to marriage/kids/cohabitation and that's made the difference for me, perhaps it would for you?

So part of this is knowing yourself so that you can make these determinations. And friends or family or other people you trust might be able to help you with this a little if you're feeling adrift. But I am here to say that anxiety can absolutely do this "Oh my god I am totally in the wrong relationship!" things to your head. So can mild OCD and a number of other little ways your brain can be off that are not large scale issues but over time can become small scale ones. So you might benefit from talking to someone (therapist or just a pal) about how you are feeling to see if you can set your internal compass better for this.

I'm settled with the feeling that I'm never going to really be settled. It's weird feeling that way and it's hard to find people to share those feelings with, but after some close examination about what I really felt like I wanted, that is where I arrived. Good luck with your thinking on this, I know it's annoying.
posted by jessamyn at 7:44 AM on May 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


If you are happy with your life, as you claim, then you should do the one thing most miserable people never do: enjoy it. If your happiness changes over time, it would be better to make changes when, and if, that happens.
posted by Mr. Fig at 8:09 AM on May 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


Here is an article about the "relationship escalator," and how alternatives to it can be better for a lot of people. Reading that and checking out that site/ other sources about "solo polyamory" may be helpful- even though I assume you're monogamous, the resources on figuring out what you want and need in a relationship and how to get those needs met in traditional or less-traditional relationships may be very useful.
posted by metasarah at 9:11 AM on May 11, 2015


Well, you say he doesn't "think" he ever wants to live with a girlfriend again. That allows for some flexibility!

Perhaps a middle option - could you get a duplex and live in two units in the same building? Or just in a big apartment building have two units on the same floor?

I'd be totally down for not living with my partner, actually -- but I wouldn't be down for never having commitment. At some point, I want "We're in it for the long haul, we are building a life together" commitment (legal marriage optional). I want a teammate to save for retirement with, to buy property with, to take care of our shared "household" and future with. I want to build a foundation so somebody will hold my hand when I get my cancer diagnosis or label all the drawers when I get Alzheimer's. Or just take the car to the shop when I have a big meeting at work and don't have time!
posted by amaire at 10:08 AM on May 11, 2015


Best answer: And he's been open with me from the start that he doesn't ever want to settle down and/or have kids, even to the point that he doesn't think he ever wants to live with a girlfriend again.

This. It took me an unbelievably long time to learn that when someone tells you who they are, or how they want to live their lives, it is best to believe them.

I lived 12 years with a man who told me he loved me but he wanted his own space, and even if we mostly lived together he wanted his own bed/room to retreat to, and even better if we maybe lived in a duplex with me downstairs and him upstairs in separate apartments. I really loved him (at the beginning) and even while we were pledging to spend our lives together, take care of each other in our old age, and exchanging tokens that meant such (eternity rings, Claddagh charms) … I was thinking: You don't want to sleep in the same bed with me? Hmm? We kept separate apartments, in opposite ends of town, and he spent time at mine.

Now, I'm an independent woman, I'm not interested in marriage again, I was well past the having kids thing when we met, and I like my space but … really, you don't want to sleep in our bed?

Maybe listen to his words, and decide if you want to live that way all your life. I found out it bothered me. Immensely. Not the space, but the lack of wanting to be with me. And 12 years in, he fetched up and decided on another lifestyle entirely, and we split up.

Now I am 2 years into a relationship. We maintain separate apartments, but he would prefer that we lived together. We have just started – within the last month – spending every night but one together and I have to say … I relish the freedom of that one night on my own. Still, I enjoy having him with me the other 6 nights. It cramps my style a bit, no keeping a messy house, staying up till 3 AM, watching Roku, reading, but … this guy wants to be with me. With me.

I am twice your age. You're 30, I was 45 when I started the 12 year relationship, and I was 60 when I started this one. A lot can happen in intervening years.

I think maybe your most important decision is: do you want children? If you sort that and decide you absolutely don't, you can stay with your current guy and have little to lose. You can always reevaluate, and move on if you choose to if things are not satisfactory down the road.

But currently he's closing a huge door for you, unilaterally, when he says "no" to kids. Your living situation can be changed with another lover at a later date -- but if you stay for 12 or 15 years, would you regret the decision not to have children? That's something that only you can answer, and perhaps something to explore with a therapist -- not in an anxious way, but in a "what do I see for myself in 10 years?" way. In the way of: "what would bring great happiness to my life?"

And those questions don’t have to be answered in a week or two, you can take your time and give them some thought, IMO.

Best to you.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Your partner has shut a door on you and therefore he's impeding the ability of the relationship to change and grow, whereas you recognize that you may change and grow in the direction of wanting more intimacy.
When he states his preference, he's putting himself in a very powerful role ("no matter what you do, Honey, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter how well we get along, no matter how much I love you, I will never never ever want to live with you and become your closest family member and you have exactly zero say in this matter.")"

Oooh, this is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking. He's saying that no matter what, he's not THAT into you and never will be and all he wants is a static half-relationship. He doesn't ever think he'll be that attached to you. Which means that I sure hope you don't get more attached to him because then everything will go to hell. If you're fine with it now but might want more some day, then the relationship won't be giving you what you want.

He's kind of a time killer boyfriend: fine for now, but eventually you'll have to move on when you want more and he doesn't care to have more. Whether or not you want to move on now or later is up to you, if you're not worried about making babies then you have less of a timing issue. But I think eventually you'll want someone real, and you know that already, and you want a man where that's an option.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:41 PM on May 11, 2015


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