Long car rides and family get-togethers
May 5, 2015 6:33 AM Subscribe
I've planned a day-long road trip to spend about a week at my cousin's farm. My husband and I with our 4-1/2 year old daughter are planning to drive 10 hours to get out there. We'll stay a week. My mother lives another 4 hours from where we'll be staying. We decided not to tack on a trip out to see her and so she invited herself on our trip. I'm of two minds about this.
One, I know she'd love to see our daughter and i feel bad about not making the extra journey to see her. But, two, I just want to do our thing and not have to worry about an additional person's feelings, needs, etc.. Very selfish I suppose but I don't think she's into being on the farm as she likes to sleep late and seems to have already had all the experiences in life that she cares to have (she can be very dismissive when she doesn't want to do something). Just needing to coordinate meals and activities with another person is making me grumpy. I'm really stressed from my job and am looking forward to a week in a different environment.
Another wrinkle has cropped up. My cousin is actually the granddaughter of the aunt with whom my mother has viciously feuded and they have both drawn lines in the sand and are absolutely done with each other. My cousin's mother, not knowing that my mom had invited herself along, has now invited us to their family reunion which will be an additional 2 hour drive away. We'd stay at a lake with the family matriarch (who hates my mother and vice versa) and my childhood cousins and their kids and grandkids. Some of these people, including my aunt, I assumed I'd never see again. But, my mom cannot go.
My choices: not go the family gathering. I don't feel like the feud is my fight and I do genuinely like some of these family members. However, I have to support my mom and I don't feel like making her feel bad over this is a great idea. I could ask her not to come out to the farm and then go to the family gathering. Or, I could just ask her not to come and then add a 4 hour trip to her home at the end of our trip. That's probably the best solution all around in terms of making everybody happy but I'm suddenly wishing I had never planned a road trip at all.
As someone who is slightly estranged from almost all her family, I'm a little flummoxed about this sudden family drama. Is there a right thing to do here? I really have a hard time when it comes to balancing different people's needs with my own.
One, I know she'd love to see our daughter and i feel bad about not making the extra journey to see her. But, two, I just want to do our thing and not have to worry about an additional person's feelings, needs, etc.. Very selfish I suppose but I don't think she's into being on the farm as she likes to sleep late and seems to have already had all the experiences in life that she cares to have (she can be very dismissive when she doesn't want to do something). Just needing to coordinate meals and activities with another person is making me grumpy. I'm really stressed from my job and am looking forward to a week in a different environment.
Another wrinkle has cropped up. My cousin is actually the granddaughter of the aunt with whom my mother has viciously feuded and they have both drawn lines in the sand and are absolutely done with each other. My cousin's mother, not knowing that my mom had invited herself along, has now invited us to their family reunion which will be an additional 2 hour drive away. We'd stay at a lake with the family matriarch (who hates my mother and vice versa) and my childhood cousins and their kids and grandkids. Some of these people, including my aunt, I assumed I'd never see again. But, my mom cannot go.
My choices: not go the family gathering. I don't feel like the feud is my fight and I do genuinely like some of these family members. However, I have to support my mom and I don't feel like making her feel bad over this is a great idea. I could ask her not to come out to the farm and then go to the family gathering. Or, I could just ask her not to come and then add a 4 hour trip to her home at the end of our trip. That's probably the best solution all around in terms of making everybody happy but I'm suddenly wishing I had never planned a road trip at all.
As someone who is slightly estranged from almost all her family, I'm a little flummoxed about this sudden family drama. Is there a right thing to do here? I really have a hard time when it comes to balancing different people's needs with my own.
I think you sound like a lovely daughter who wants to not rock the boat, but I call into question your assumption that you have to support your mom. She has invited herself on your vacation and now you feel like you have to change your plans to accommodate her. What will happen if you don't, though?
I would be wildly annoyed by this whole situation, and I have a great relationship with my mom. If I were in your shoes I would probably not tell her to stay home because I'd feel bad, but I'd also make clear that you and your family are not going to change anything about the trip just because she has decided to come. If she wants to sleep in, fine, but you're still going to do whatever you were going to do if she hadn't come. Take a day trip to the family reunion if that's what you want to do (because it seems clear that's what you want to do), and let her have a nice quiet day on the farm alone.
This is all easy for me to say because I feel like my mom would take it well if this is what I decided. I don't really know what the relationship with you and your mother is like, but from this question I have the feeling you have a history of being overly accommodating and she might be flummoxed if you stand your ground on this issue. I still think you should do it, though; the sooner you start living your life according to what you want to do rather than trying to accommodate people who don't care about ruining your plans, the better your life is going to be. You can be kind but still firm. It's your life and your vacation and your family. Your mom can participate, but she doesn't get to be the boss.
posted by something something at 6:55 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would be wildly annoyed by this whole situation, and I have a great relationship with my mom. If I were in your shoes I would probably not tell her to stay home because I'd feel bad, but I'd also make clear that you and your family are not going to change anything about the trip just because she has decided to come. If she wants to sleep in, fine, but you're still going to do whatever you were going to do if she hadn't come. Take a day trip to the family reunion if that's what you want to do (because it seems clear that's what you want to do), and let her have a nice quiet day on the farm alone.
This is all easy for me to say because I feel like my mom would take it well if this is what I decided. I don't really know what the relationship with you and your mother is like, but from this question I have the feeling you have a history of being overly accommodating and she might be flummoxed if you stand your ground on this issue. I still think you should do it, though; the sooner you start living your life according to what you want to do rather than trying to accommodate people who don't care about ruining your plans, the better your life is going to be. You can be kind but still firm. It's your life and your vacation and your family. Your mom can participate, but she doesn't get to be the boss.
posted by something something at 6:55 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, unless your cousin said "yes" and really meant it, your mom can't invite herself along on a week-long stay at your cousin's house.
I have a lot of sympathy for your cousin and a tiny bit of "ooh, grandkids are like catnip" sympathy for your mom. Would you be willing, like on Wednesday, to drive 1.5 hours to meet your mom and have her drive 2.5 hours to see you and partner and granddaughter for the day? This has a side effect of giving your cousins family a break, something that introverts really need and extroverts can find an upside in.
posted by puddledork at 7:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
I have a lot of sympathy for your cousin and a tiny bit of "ooh, grandkids are like catnip" sympathy for your mom. Would you be willing, like on Wednesday, to drive 1.5 hours to meet your mom and have her drive 2.5 hours to see you and partner and granddaughter for the day? This has a side effect of giving your cousins family a break, something that introverts really need and extroverts can find an upside in.
posted by puddledork at 7:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
You shouldn't change anything about your vacation to accommodate your mother. I don't think she's tagging along just to get some grandchild time - if she's feuding with that side of the family, she is trying to interfere in your relationship with them. She doesn't want you to have your own relationship with them. Nope, nope, nope. This is your VACATION.
posted by stowaway at 8:07 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by stowaway at 8:07 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Puddledork offers an excellent compromise.
Otherwise, I think you have a third choice, which is to be straight with your mom and tell her that you would appreciate if she would not come along for this trip, and maybe you can hook up with her later in the summer. I get that she is probably thinking "oh, but you'll be soooo close to me", but you need to find a way to tell her that having her along was not the vacation you envisioned this time. Don't make excuses, just be honest. This is way too much stress for a time that is supposed to be relaxing for you.
posted by vignettist at 8:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, I think you have a third choice, which is to be straight with your mom and tell her that you would appreciate if she would not come along for this trip, and maybe you can hook up with her later in the summer. I get that she is probably thinking "oh, but you'll be soooo close to me", but you need to find a way to tell her that having her along was not the vacation you envisioned this time. Don't make excuses, just be honest. This is way too much stress for a time that is supposed to be relaxing for you.
posted by vignettist at 8:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
she invited herself on our trip
So, either she's flying out to your town and riding the 10 hours with you to the farm, or driving/flying to the farm location to meet you. It seems that she has the time and financial ability to meet up with you at some time in some place. So, why does it need to be this time and this place?
I could just ask her not to come and then add a 4 hour trip to her home at the end of our trip.
Why doesn't she just fly out to see you at some other time that has nothing to do with this trip? Why does it have to be you and your family doing all the heavy lifting?
"Mom, it's not going to work out for you to join us on this trip, but we'd love to see you later this summer. Is there a time you could come out to see us? Late July works best for us. Love, Amanda"
And for why it's not going to work out, "it's just not possible."
But, depending on how dedicated your mom is to starting drama, don't be surprised if she shows up at the farm anyway.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:12 AM on May 5, 2015
So, either she's flying out to your town and riding the 10 hours with you to the farm, or driving/flying to the farm location to meet you. It seems that she has the time and financial ability to meet up with you at some time in some place. So, why does it need to be this time and this place?
I could just ask her not to come and then add a 4 hour trip to her home at the end of our trip.
Why doesn't she just fly out to see you at some other time that has nothing to do with this trip? Why does it have to be you and your family doing all the heavy lifting?
"Mom, it's not going to work out for you to join us on this trip, but we'd love to see you later this summer. Is there a time you could come out to see us? Late July works best for us. Love, Amanda"
And for why it's not going to work out, "it's just not possible."
But, depending on how dedicated your mom is to starting drama, don't be surprised if she shows up at the farm anyway.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:12 AM on May 5, 2015
Just a little thing, but if you decide to adding a trip to see your mom, you might try to do it at the beginning of your trip. In visiting family I've found that visiting the most (potentially) stressful folks first and then going on to the relaxing part of the trip makes a BIG impact in how I feel about the whole trip.
Good luck!
posted by pennypiper at 9:26 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Good luck!
posted by pennypiper at 9:26 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all your thoughts. I did disinvite her and kind of glided over the whole family kerfuffle. We'll see if we can tack on a trip out to her house at the end. Other than the driving (OMG), it's the least stressful option.
posted by amanda at 7:32 AM on May 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 7:32 AM on May 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just thought I'd follow up and let you all know that the trip was a blast. And the few days with my mom at the end were very nice, too. I got to see a ton of family and have some really great conversations.
posted by amanda at 6:27 AM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 6:27 AM on June 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
1) You wanting a getaway without mom tagging along
2) Navigating your mother's feud with the extended family
For one, I would flat out ask her not to come, giving the reasons you've told us: too tired, too stressed, would love to see you, sorry. If you think you're up to it you could tack on a trip to see her at the end, but maybe it would be simpler to say "Look Mom I want to see you, let's arrange a visit for a better time when it can be all about you."
For two, if you get her not to come at all, then there isn't really a problem. If seeing this family is something you'd like to do, you can go to the reunion and not even have to tell her if you don't want. As you say, it's not your fight.
I say fight for your needs here. They are reasonable, and pushing them to one side could well cause a blow-up because you'll be over-stressed and will have had it up to here with mom by the end of the week.
posted by mymbleth at 6:53 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]