Need help with core beliefs and travel anxiety

May 4, 2015 9:29 PM

I'm going to put the TL:DR up here. I have lots of limiting core beliefs involving my worth. Meeting new people causes me great anxiety due to these beliefs, which include not being allowed to have any needs, especially those that might inconvenience, irritate, or anger the other person. I also have panic disorder. I've met someone online that I want to meet in person but it would involve a drive of several hours. Travel = panic = debilitating and anxiety-inducing physical symptoms. Help me meet this person while remaining functional.

I’m really not sure how to start with trying to explain this. There is so much tangled up in what I’m dealing with. Some background: I have panic disorder. My anxiety becomes physical almost immediately. For nearly a year I have struggled almost daily with sometimes debilitating physical symptoms due to anxiety medication mismanagement. These involve having trouble eating due to stomach discomfort or nausea and loss of appetite (and I have low blood sugar, so it’s not like I can just not eat and be fine), having to go to the bathroom frequently (I also have IBS), feeling nauseous, having a large amount of stomach gas, feeling like I’m going to gag and lots of anxiety. These physical symptoms cause me a great deal of anxiety which begets more intense physical symptoms. Relevant to this discussion are some core beliefs I really struggle with. Specifically, I feel that I am unworthy, unwanted, and inferior. These manifest in many ways, but what I need help with currently is how the beliefs influence my experiences meeting and getting to know people. Because I feel unworthy, I feel like I must prove my worth to others by not having needs. Some of the needs I have, which I feel are excessive, are needing to eat regularly (I have a lot of anxiety surrounding this), needing to go to the bathroom a lot sometimes (I have IBS also) and dealing with the effects of the physical anxiety symptoms. I feel that having these needs is very off-putting to others since most people don’t care if/when/what they eat during the day and don’t need to use the bathroom a lot. It has been my experience that others get irritated when I express these needs and have to alter plans or something. I have had very negative, sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive experiences when I’ve expressed feelings and needs in general, mostly with my family. These family experiences have had a huge impact on my ability to be comfortable expressing my needs to others. I feel like I have to be invisible in order to be liked or wanted or even tolerated. I am scared of being rejected and the pain that comes with it. I am very lonely and without much social support. These core beliefs cause me indescribable amounts of anxiety when faced with meeting new people and being one-on-one with them. What follows is what is going on currently, but it is representative of my history in these types of situations:

I have recently met someone on an online dating site. We have only been texting and emailing so far, as she isn’t big on the phone and I really dislike it until I am comfortable with the person. We’re basically talking as friends at this point and I don’t know if she is interested in seeing where things go or just wants to keep things friendly. I don’t know myself, either, since we haven’t met in person or anything. Anyway, she lives a few hours’ drive from me. She has suggested going to a baseball game this summer and taking me for a ride on her motorcycle to see if I liked it after I expressed an interest in getting one myself. I really want to do these things. However, I have severe anxiety surrounding travel, especially when it involves others. When I travel (or even think about traveling, sometimes) the anxiety produces the physical symptoms I described above and makes the trip extremely difficult. I do not want to go through the anguish that descends on me when I make plans to travel and meet someone. I want to be able to make the plans, live without debilitating physical symptoms and anxiety while I wait for the travel day to arrive, and complete the trip and meeting while actually enjoying myself instead of constantly monitoring for or tending to physical symptoms and dealing with the anticipatory “what-ifs”. Complicating things further is that this person lives in the same general area (maybe 20-30 minutes closer to me) as my previous girlfriend. I traveled to her every weekend for a year and a half and panicked every time. So now I have lots of anxiety muscle memory, if you will, associated with traveling to and being in that area. I have been in therapy for some time and have discussed the core beliefs with my therapist. I haven’t figured out a strategy that works for dismantling them. Loading up on anti-anxiety medication isn’t a workable option because, not only does it make me very tired and weird-feeling, but that doesn’t take care of the anticipatory anxiety that will lead up to the event since I am not going to take addictive medication for days or weeks at a time. Also, suggestions of “just do it” aren’t helpful. I’ve “just done it” as I’ve said for a year and a half and it didn’t get better. How can I not throw away or ruin yet another opportunity due to my anxiety?

posted by msbadcrumble to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)

Would it help to intentionally arrive a day or two early? Don't make any plans for that time, simply book it as time to just be. Spend the time doing whatever it is you like to do to relax, read, watch TV, whatever, alone in your hotel room.

You're traveling with an end goal of meeting someone, but initially you're traveling just to spend some time doing your thing in a different location.

While I don't have your anxiety symptoms, I do really hate traveling. A lot of it comes from knowing I won't have full control over my own time schedule. I hate that. So it helps me to book as much time into the trip as possible for myself. (For instance, I often lie about my actual arrival time so I can just sit on a bench in the airport and read alone for a little bit without the stress of getting on a plane or hopping in a car or talking to my family right away.)
posted by phunniemee at 9:41 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Could she come see you instead, at least for the first meeting?
posted by Violet Hour at 9:57 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

How can I not throw away or ruin yet another opportunity due to my anxiety?

Based on a skim of your previous questions, I vote for finding another therapist/different type of therapy. Whatever you're doing in treatment with this therapist isn't working, so I can't see why doing the same thing and expecting different results would be a thing that happens. People here have given you a ton of advice and strategies for a variety of circumstances that cause you debilitating, awful anxiety, and none of it seems to help much or at all.
posted by rtha at 10:09 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

I don't know if this will help you or not, but I have always been a bit of an anxious person, and will be until the day I die (thanks neurocircuitry), although not to the degree that you are. I also dated a person who had debilitating anxiety and panic disorder. So I'm trying to give you additional thoughts/solutions from both those perspectives.

I read your post twice, but there is a lot of text, so I might get a small detail wrong. If so, apologies in advance.

These manifest in many ways, but what I need help with currently is how the beliefs influence my experiences meeting and getting to know people. Because I feel unworthy, I feel like I must prove my worth to others by not having needs.

If I understand this correctly, does this mean that your potential date does not even know that you have these anxieties and current limitations?

So a friend of mine pointed this out to me a few years ago: There are billions of people in the world. Some people might not have patience for whatever limitations another person might have (insert whatever trait or characteristic, shyness, anxiety, blah blah blah). But that's okay, there are other people out there, and those other people might. But it saves everyone time to be up front and say that this is a challenge for you right now. Something along the lines of "Potential date, I am very excited to meet you, see where things go, would like to ride on a motorcycle with you, but I have this current challenge - anxiety. I am working on it, and will continue to work on it. Could we meet at [in between place, my place, whatever makes you feel comfortable]?" Because if the person does not want to deal with it, this is likely to happen no matter what you do, and can save time for both of you and you can both go on and meet more compatible potential dates. If it is not an issue for your potential date...it can help negotiate a meeting where you are both more comfortable. You don't have to give all the details initially, just something like "anxiety" "meet close to home" the first time.

Also nthing Violet Hour's solution. Can your date meet you at your place?

I mentioned at the top that I dated someone like you. To be honest, he did not tell me he had debilitating anxiety, but presented it in some other way (ie, I had a car, so it made more sense for me to drive to his place, blah blah blah).

If I could go back in time, I would have told my date to not only be up front about that but any other factors that might be impacted by your anxiety and might be obvious if you meet a person in their home (so in the case of the person that I met, he was unemployed and living with his family). Those are not necessarily deal breakers, but I would have preferred to know those things up front rather than go on a date and surprise, meet the parents, etc. Now this might not apply to you at all, but if it does, drop these things into your script, too (ie, working part-time, or whatever factors apply). If they do not apply, ignore this. But my guess is that if your anxiety is this debilitating, it might affect you in many ways than just meeting a person initially.

I don't know your medical history, but there are more therapeutic options that are not potentially addictive, CBT, etc. I don't think that those things would work in this short time frame, though, so for the moment, see if you can talk to her about the initial meeting.

Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 10:42 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

I’ve “just done it” as I’ve said for a year and a half and it didn’t get better.

I really feel for what you are going through but I don't have any answers to your immediate question. However, I want to show you this (tabloid) article about a genetic MTHFR mutation some people have with which means they can't convert folic acid into folinic acid. Depression, anxiety and IBS are all symptoms.
posted by Thella at 10:44 PM on May 4, 2015

Here is something that I learned a while ago that has helped me immensely: you don't have to do everything the hard way. You're allowed to take your own limitations into account and you're allowed to be kind to yourself and do things in a way that feels safe to you. Other people might do things differently, but that doesn't mean you've failed if you don't do it their way, or Hollywood's way, or your parent's way, etc.

So, with that in mind: this sounds like an unnecessarily stressful first date for you. Can you ask her if she could come to your neck of the woods the first time instead? Maybe do something like have lunch together and then go to a sports bar and watch a baseball game together there? I mean, it seems to me that it would be a good idea to start with baby steps instead of trying to force yourself to do Big Scary Thing all at once. Learn how to swim in the swimming pool before you try and just throw yourself out into the deep ocean, you know?

Which makes me think of another suggestion: you could probably work on your travel anxiety by going on little expeditions around your city. Start really small if you want: go for a short walk in your neighborhood and then come back. Do that until it feels okay, and then go out a little farther. Then figure out how to drive, or take the bus, to a coffee shop or diner or any similar open-all-the-time sort of place in your town, go there, sit and have a cup of coffee or tea and a bite to eat (bring a magazine or a book or just people watch) and then turn around and come home. Do that enough times until that doesn't feel scary. Then add something else to the itinerary: go to your coffee shop and then go for a walk and then come home. Here are things I like to do in my town: go get a cup of tea, sit and read my book for a while, go for a walk in the park, go window shopping, go to the public library or the bookstore and look at books (I like reading), go to museums, go to art exhibits, go to plant stores and look at the flowers. You can do all of these things without anyone else around, so you don't have to worry about inconveniencing anyone else, and you can map out all of the public bathrooms in a city (I've done this in places even without having IBS) and also all of the good places to grab a bite if you suddenly need food. Once you feel comfortable going out on your own and taking care of your own needs, then it will be easier to add someone else to the picture, I think. And then, once you're comfortable going out and doing stuff with other people in places that aren't home but are in your city, you could try doing it in another city. Baby steps. Break it up into manageable pieces.

Also, in regards to this:

I feel that having these needs is very off-putting to others since most people don’t care if/when/what they eat during the day and don’t need to use the bathroom a lot

I think your experiences with your family have warped your sense of what is normal and what isn't. In my experience, this statement is completely untrue: most people I know do care about what they eat and when, and they generally have to eat at regular intervals before they start getting grumpy and tired. And most people have to pee pretty regularly too throughout the day, which requires regular access to a bathroom. You may have to do these things more frequently than a lot of people, but it doesn't mean that your needs are way outside of the range of normal human experience. Just something to think about.
posted by colfax at 4:28 AM on May 5, 2015

I'm a woman who uses dating sites. Be honest with this woman. If she is really into you, then she will be understanding. Ask her if she would be willing to come to you for the first date. Offer to pay her travel expenses and put her up in a hotel, with the understanding that you will not be staying in the hotel with her (I always think it's crummy when the guy expects to sleep with me after the first date, when we haven't even met yet, just because they travelled so far).

Your family is shit. You are not shit. Sometimes, when we've experienced trauma, we draw people into our lives that help us recreate that trauma. By being honest with this woman, you will have the chance to see if this is what is happening. After all you have been through, the last thing that you need is to end up married to your mother.

And do consider medication. Zoloft works beautifully for many people with anxiety. What medication does is, it primes your emotions to work better for talk therapy. It's like having a healthy meal before exercising. Unlike eating before exercising, it doesn't have to be a life long thing. You can try it for 6 months to help with therapy and then wean off of it, once the therapy starts working.

Incidentally, I have to eat every two hours. Also, when I get nervous, I like to walk, so many of my dates turn into forced hikes. Most men think it is adorable and quirky. The ones who don't, well, I allow them to walk away.
posted by myselfasme at 5:10 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you all for your replies. I should have mentioned initially that I have told her about the anxiety and that I have trouble traveling. We aren't that far apart (2.5-3hrs) that a hotel would be necessary. This can be a day trip. Her coming to me isn't an option because I am living with my family. This part I haven't told her because I am beyond humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed about it.
posted by msbadcrumble at 9:12 AM on May 5, 2015

Looking at your core beliefs is certainly worthwhile but what has helped me the most with panic disorder is dealing with the physical symptoms first. My acute anxiety attacks literally never go away on their own while the physical symptoms are still going on. It's a destructive spiral where my brain goes "Look! Your palms are sweaty and you feel nauseous! Therefore there MUST be something wrong! Continue freaking out!"

Have you seen a gastroenterologist about your IBS and nausea? Are they entirely anxiety-induced or is there some underlying issue? If they are entirely psychosomatic, how do you control the symptoms? (e.g. Imodium, antacids, etc.) Probably at least half of my IBS was caused by undiagnosed lactose intolerance, and another portion was due to overuse of caffeine (I drink 1-2 cups of coffee max now).

I would not give up on anti-anxiety medication. It will interrupt the muscle memory of going to that city and you will build new, better associations with it. You will not turn into a drooling drug addict unless you have prior problems with addiction, in which case your doctor will probably not prescribe it. Obviously, follow your instincts on driving while medicated. Even just knowing I have the stuff lessens the chances of a panic attack.

tl;dr, you cannot rationalize away a panic attack when you're in the throes of it, so you need to disrupt the physiology. Aside from medication, the easiest and fastest way to do this is to invoke the mammalian diving reflex. If you're not near running water, a cold drink on your face (as if you were trying to cool yourself on a hot summer day) works almost as well.

Good luck. You can do this!! I went from dropping out of school and barely leaving my house to getting a graduate degree and a professional job after treating my anxiety.
posted by desjardins at 1:28 PM on May 5, 2015