Explaining past self-injury to a child
November 27, 2005 7:05 PM Subscribe
Explaining past self-injury to a child
When I was a troubled adolescent I used to deal with my emotions by hurting myself. This has left some noticeable scars on one of my underarms. They do fade, but very very slowly. This is a long time ago, I am confident that I am past this, I do not have any mental problems at all anymore. I feel kind of ambivalent about the scars: I do not feel I truly accepted them, but I do wear short sleeves in warm weather. When someone asks I often respond with "Oh, that was a long time ago..." and I'll smile, and they'll know not to ask any further.
I am married now, and we have a wonderful child. She is a toddler, and doesn't notice anything weird yet, but of course one day she will notice it is strange. And her friends will too (probably sooner than she). Any ideas on how to talk about this with her and other children would be very welcome. I definetely do not want to scare a child, and do not want them to think that this is a normal thing for parents to do. I do not want my child to think that this is something that I might do again or (heaven forbid) that I might hurt her too. I do not want other children to think that their parents might do this too, and I do not want to give a child any ideas. I do not want to lie to my own child about this.
I have found some websites and forums that deal with self-harm, but most of the people there are still dealing with pain. I do not feel at home in those communities.
I would prefer not to receive suggestions to hide the scars. Laser therapy to remove the scars is not an option, camouflage does not work, and is of course not good enough to hide them for my daugher anyways.
If you do not want to give your advice in public, please e-mail me at askmefi.20.whoareyou@spamgourmet.com.
When I was a troubled adolescent I used to deal with my emotions by hurting myself. This has left some noticeable scars on one of my underarms. They do fade, but very very slowly. This is a long time ago, I am confident that I am past this, I do not have any mental problems at all anymore. I feel kind of ambivalent about the scars: I do not feel I truly accepted them, but I do wear short sleeves in warm weather. When someone asks I often respond with "Oh, that was a long time ago..." and I'll smile, and they'll know not to ask any further.
I am married now, and we have a wonderful child. She is a toddler, and doesn't notice anything weird yet, but of course one day she will notice it is strange. And her friends will too (probably sooner than she). Any ideas on how to talk about this with her and other children would be very welcome. I definetely do not want to scare a child, and do not want them to think that this is a normal thing for parents to do. I do not want my child to think that this is something that I might do again or (heaven forbid) that I might hurt her too. I do not want other children to think that their parents might do this too, and I do not want to give a child any ideas. I do not want to lie to my own child about this.
I have found some websites and forums that deal with self-harm, but most of the people there are still dealing with pain. I do not feel at home in those communities.
I would prefer not to receive suggestions to hide the scars. Laser therapy to remove the scars is not an option, camouflage does not work, and is of course not good enough to hide them for my daugher anyways.
If you do not want to give your advice in public, please e-mail me at askmefi.20.whoareyou@spamgourmet.com.
It seems wrong to lie to a kid, but I agree with ThePinkSuperhero here. I would say it was an accident, and when they're old enough to get the full story, they will be understanding just as long as you're open about it. Choosing the right age might be tricky, especially since the age when they're most likely to do it is probably when they'll be the most rebellious.
posted by spiderskull at 7:35 PM on November 27, 2005
posted by spiderskull at 7:35 PM on November 27, 2005
My response was going to be similar. "I was hurt" is an excellent first response, and will last for years. "Someone hurt me" is a good second, and is sufficiently vague that it may buy more years. And perhaps a deflecting "I don't want to say any more about it" will take care of the rest.
It seems a little unusual that this is a scar on the underarm. It is not very likely that this will be very visible to casual observers, assuming that you do not overtly display your underarms. This is a problem that usually affects those who mutilated their arms and wrists. They tend to wear long sleeves.
posted by megatherium at 7:42 PM on November 27, 2005
It seems a little unusual that this is a scar on the underarm. It is not very likely that this will be very visible to casual observers, assuming that you do not overtly display your underarms. This is a problem that usually affects those who mutilated their arms and wrists. They tend to wear long sleeves.
posted by megatherium at 7:42 PM on November 27, 2005
"Someone hurt me" may instill an unnecessary fear of strangers or other people -- as a child's imaginations run wild. I don't know anyone or child who'd ask anything after "I was in an accident" followed by "I'll tell you when you're older" as if it's no big deal.
posted by geoff. at 7:59 PM on November 27, 2005
posted by geoff. at 7:59 PM on November 27, 2005
Lie. There's no reason to saddle kids with the blood and guts of your mental illness history unless they're at a point where it will be useful for their own treatment. For example, if alcoholism or depression runs in your family, be open about it and don't act like it's shameful. But there's no need to go into detail about when you hit rock bottom.
I was on the receiving end of this as a kid and it was not good for me - this is where I'm coming from. Protect your kids from the gritty details of the worst things in your life. To do otherwise is selfish, in my opinion. Your kid is not your friend or your therapist. You are a parent and need to have good boundaries with this stuff. It's not "hiding" it, because it's really none of their business anyway. There's lots of specific stuff I will not be telling my kids about, but will try to teach them to generally recognize symptoms of and avoid in their own lives.
Anyway, mysterious scars are not a big deal. Maybe you were Evil Knievel. And good on you for planning ahead for this, whatever you decide to do.
posted by Marnie at 8:36 PM on November 27, 2005
I was on the receiving end of this as a kid and it was not good for me - this is where I'm coming from. Protect your kids from the gritty details of the worst things in your life. To do otherwise is selfish, in my opinion. Your kid is not your friend or your therapist. You are a parent and need to have good boundaries with this stuff. It's not "hiding" it, because it's really none of their business anyway. There's lots of specific stuff I will not be telling my kids about, but will try to teach them to generally recognize symptoms of and avoid in their own lives.
Anyway, mysterious scars are not a big deal. Maybe you were Evil Knievel. And good on you for planning ahead for this, whatever you decide to do.
posted by Marnie at 8:36 PM on November 27, 2005
"Someone hurt me" may instill an unnecessary fear of strangers or other people
I agree that this may not be the most positive way to deal with the situation.
My advice would be a variation on advice already given.
Something like (delivered in a very positive way), "Oh, they're scars, they happen when skin gets broken and it heals. That's why you should be careful when you..."
You will have satisfied your daughter's curiosity, added to her knowledge of how the body works, and provided potentially helpful reinforcement of being cautious while involved in a normal activity where harm might happen (how many of us have a scar or two from childhood, for example, from falling off a swing, or out of a tree, and so on).
posted by planetthoughtful at 8:45 PM on November 27, 2005
I agree that this may not be the most positive way to deal with the situation.
My advice would be a variation on advice already given.
Something like (delivered in a very positive way), "Oh, they're scars, they happen when skin gets broken and it heals. That's why you should be careful when you...
You will have satisfied your daughter's curiosity, added to her knowledge of how the body works, and provided potentially helpful reinforcement of being cautious while involved in a normal activity where harm might happen (how many of us have a scar or two from childhood, for example, from falling off a swing, or out of a tree, and so on).
posted by planetthoughtful at 8:45 PM on November 27, 2005
If you buy into delaying telling your daughter the truth about your injuries (a notion about which I'm expressing no opinion), it seems to me that the correct age to tell your child the truth would be the same age that such things become an issue for her or her peers. That, it seems to me, should be the metric of age appropriateness.
For me, my peers started injuring themselves around twelve or thirteen, my partner metioned sixteen. Hopefully, with your daughter the issue will never arise.
posted by stet at 8:53 PM on November 27, 2005
For me, my peers started injuring themselves around twelve or thirteen, my partner metioned sixteen. Hopefully, with your daughter the issue will never arise.
posted by stet at 8:53 PM on November 27, 2005
I agree. "The truth" isn't always the best option. Sometimes it's best not to saddle other people, particularly your children, with problems unnecessarily. It's your baggage -- so unless the scars are absolutely, positively unmistakable as being self-inflicted, I'd say conceive a lie.
Frankly, I think you should have done that long ago. Your coy brush-off about "that was a long time ago" seems pointless. If the point is to deflect the inquiry, there are plenty of ways to do that without announcing (albeit with a wink and a nod) that you used to hurt yourself. On the other hand, if that announcement is your goal...?
If your scars are unmistakable, however, then I'd say be honest with your child. I'd add two caveats: (1) Don't be more honest than is necessary. Your child isn't your therapist or your confessor. Make sure you're helping him, not exorcising your own demons. And (2) Wait until he's ready. You're his mother, and you'll have to judge that for yourself -- but don't throw the pitch too early, simply for the sake of "being honest." Being his mother is a lot more complex, and that should be your goal.
Good luck. And congratulations on climbing as far as you have.
posted by cribcage at 8:57 PM on November 27, 2005
Frankly, I think you should have done that long ago. Your coy brush-off about "that was a long time ago" seems pointless. If the point is to deflect the inquiry, there are plenty of ways to do that without announcing (albeit with a wink and a nod) that you used to hurt yourself. On the other hand, if that announcement is your goal...?
If your scars are unmistakable, however, then I'd say be honest with your child. I'd add two caveats: (1) Don't be more honest than is necessary. Your child isn't your therapist or your confessor. Make sure you're helping him, not exorcising your own demons. And (2) Wait until he's ready. You're his mother, and you'll have to judge that for yourself -- but don't throw the pitch too early, simply for the sake of "being honest." Being his mother is a lot more complex, and that should be your goal.
Good luck. And congratulations on climbing as far as you have.
posted by cribcage at 8:57 PM on November 27, 2005
Curious: why are folks assuming anonymous is a woman?
I like planetthoughtful's response "Those are scars that happen when blah blah ..." a LOT. It's not lying, which you've already said you don't want to do, and it's not overburdening with information. And it doesn't shut the door for her to ask more later, if she wants -- I could see her just wondering her whole life if all you say is "I had an accident." Also, "I hurt myself" is vague enough that you could be referring to an accident, but she might ask "how did you hurt yourself?" right away rather than later.
If she wants to know more later, as a teen or an adult (or a pre-teen?), I, in your situation, would probably say "I did that a long time ago when I was really unhappy. It wasn't a good way to deal with being unhappy, and now I know there are better things to do that help me get better. I hope that when you're unhappy you will do healthy things too, like talking to your family and friends, or [whatever]. It's OK to be unhappy but now I know that it's not OK to hurt oneself."
This is a really good question and I am glad you are asking it now. Good luck.
posted by librarina at 9:13 PM on November 27, 2005
I like planetthoughtful's response "Those are scars that happen when blah blah ..." a LOT. It's not lying, which you've already said you don't want to do, and it's not overburdening with information. And it doesn't shut the door for her to ask more later, if she wants -- I could see her just wondering her whole life if all you say is "I had an accident." Also, "I hurt myself" is vague enough that you could be referring to an accident, but she might ask "how did you hurt yourself?" right away rather than later.
If she wants to know more later, as a teen or an adult (or a pre-teen?), I, in your situation, would probably say "I did that a long time ago when I was really unhappy. It wasn't a good way to deal with being unhappy, and now I know there are better things to do that help me get better. I hope that when you're unhappy you will do healthy things too, like talking to your family and friends, or [whatever]. It's OK to be unhappy but now I know that it's not OK to hurt oneself."
This is a really good question and I am glad you are asking it now. Good luck.
posted by librarina at 9:13 PM on November 27, 2005
"I would prefer not to receive suggestions to hide the scars. Laser therapy to remove the scars is not an option, camouflage does not work, and is of course not good enough to hide them for my daughter anyways."
It's not camouflage (obviously it would be next to impossible to forever cover or re-apply the make-up), and is way cheaper than laser therapy, so I'll just throw the idea of the "scar therapy" solutions out there, like this one by Curad. They haven't worked any wonders on my massive knee-surgery scars but they've worked incredibly well on the scars of friends. I'd suspect that the worse the scar, the harder to heal, but if they're relatively benign, give these things a go - use them absolutely as directed and you'll see an improvement. They won't solve the problem of how to eventually tell your daughter, but they will minimize the look of the scars for her and for other enquiring eyes - sometimes to the point of disappearance. If they look a bit better, you might feel a bit less self-conscious about them, which will ease your anxiety about broaching the subject.
posted by fionab at 9:14 PM on November 27, 2005
It's not camouflage (obviously it would be next to impossible to forever cover or re-apply the make-up), and is way cheaper than laser therapy, so I'll just throw the idea of the "scar therapy" solutions out there, like this one by Curad. They haven't worked any wonders on my massive knee-surgery scars but they've worked incredibly well on the scars of friends. I'd suspect that the worse the scar, the harder to heal, but if they're relatively benign, give these things a go - use them absolutely as directed and you'll see an improvement. They won't solve the problem of how to eventually tell your daughter, but they will minimize the look of the scars for her and for other enquiring eyes - sometimes to the point of disappearance. If they look a bit better, you might feel a bit less self-conscious about them, which will ease your anxiety about broaching the subject.
posted by fionab at 9:14 PM on November 27, 2005
I would recommend something similar to planetthoughtful's post above, answer, inform, redirect.
I've heard answer from SIV (Self Inflicted Violence) about there scars to grown-ups as:
I had an accident when I was young.
This comment isn't a lie, as they feel that the accident was how the idea that injuring herself would help got into their head. The cutting may have been intentional, but how it became a coping mechanism was an accident.
I'm on the fence about whether or not to fully explain the scars once the child has grown to an age to understand. One of the draws of cutting is the immediate need that it fulfills, the adrenaline rush. Even as old as 18, it may be a bad idea to introduce the idea because of adolescents' inability to see how short-term solutions may be negative.
However, if the disposition towards cutting manifests itself in your daughter, I would definitely and immediately seek some sort of group therapy, where you can discuss your situation with your daughter and a therapist. Make it about the group-ness of it, rather than just her, but make sure she knows your feelings about your own cutting.
posted by hatsix at 9:37 PM on November 27, 2005
I've heard answer from SIV (Self Inflicted Violence) about there scars to grown-ups as:
I had an accident when I was young.
This comment isn't a lie, as they feel that the accident was how the idea that injuring herself would help got into their head. The cutting may have been intentional, but how it became a coping mechanism was an accident.
I'm on the fence about whether or not to fully explain the scars once the child has grown to an age to understand. One of the draws of cutting is the immediate need that it fulfills, the adrenaline rush. Even as old as 18, it may be a bad idea to introduce the idea because of adolescents' inability to see how short-term solutions may be negative.
However, if the disposition towards cutting manifests itself in your daughter, I would definitely and immediately seek some sort of group therapy, where you can discuss your situation with your daughter and a therapist. Make it about the group-ness of it, rather than just her, but make sure she knows your feelings about your own cutting.
posted by hatsix at 9:37 PM on November 27, 2005
Also: whatever age you tell them at if you decide to, don't expect the kid to keep it a secret. Because it's not reasonable at any age to expect a kid to keep something like this bottled up, and there's every possibility that they'll tell other kids who will tell parents, especially at 12 or 13. Even 18 if they feel like it; teenagers hit you where it hurts sometimes.
posted by Marnie at 9:59 PM on November 27, 2005
posted by Marnie at 9:59 PM on November 27, 2005
I vote for planetthoughtful's response. If they ask how you got the scars, you can simply explain that you got cut when you were younger, and you wish you'd known to be more careful about things like. If they ask how exactly, well you don't necessarily have to remember. Or you can say "with a knife" or whatever the instrument was.
posted by lorrer at 10:00 PM on November 27, 2005
posted by lorrer at 10:00 PM on November 27, 2005
For ease in reference, I'm pretending you're male, since the child's female.
When the kid first notices, probably when she's around two or three, I'd just say something like "Oh, those are Daddy's marks. Different people have all different marks on their skin. Look at your tummy -- you have a mole there! Nobody else has a mole like that. And your friend so-and-so has freckles on his nose, but you don't. Everyone has different marks, and you can get them all different ways."
If she then asks how you got the marks, you can say something like "It was a mistake." I'd steer clear of "accident," because you never know what kids will remember. If she asks "Does it hurt?" or "Did it hurt?", stick with "It doesn't hurt now," and hopefully she won't press the issue of whether or not it hurt to get them.
I would level with the kid when he's around 10. Why not wait a few years, until he's 13ish? Because there are three concepts you want to convey: "(1) Daddy had [negative emotion], (2) which is why he did it, and (3) it was a bad idea." A 13-year-old will be more likely to isolate the concepts, and to have the idea that hey, if it worked for Daddy even temporarily, it can work for me when the cute guy won't ask me to the dance oh noes! But if you tell the 10-year-old, by the time she's 13, she'll be familiar with the whole story, and probably won't isolate the separate links; she'll most likely skip right to "self-harm = bad."
Side note: When you do decide to tell your kid, please concentrate on the aspects you want her to concentrate on. What not to do: "I was sooo upset because I never got enough attention from my parents, so I decided to act out, and I slept around and did drugs and cut myself, and even though I know it was a bad decision now, it felt so, so good then because it made me feel alive" etc. What to do: "Well, I made some bad decisions and wound up doing this to myself, but I knew it wasn't a good idea, so I went and talked to an adult I really trusted, who helped me get the help I needed, so I got to be all better and feel good about myself" etc.
Good luck.
posted by booksandlibretti at 10:09 PM on November 27, 2005 [2 favorites]
When the kid first notices, probably when she's around two or three, I'd just say something like "Oh, those are Daddy's marks. Different people have all different marks on their skin. Look at your tummy -- you have a mole there! Nobody else has a mole like that. And your friend so-and-so has freckles on his nose, but you don't. Everyone has different marks, and you can get them all different ways."
If she then asks how you got the marks, you can say something like "It was a mistake." I'd steer clear of "accident," because you never know what kids will remember. If she asks "Does it hurt?" or "Did it hurt?", stick with "It doesn't hurt now," and hopefully she won't press the issue of whether or not it hurt to get them.
I would level with the kid when he's around 10. Why not wait a few years, until he's 13ish? Because there are three concepts you want to convey: "(1) Daddy had [negative emotion], (2) which is why he did it, and (3) it was a bad idea." A 13-year-old will be more likely to isolate the concepts, and to have the idea that hey, if it worked for Daddy even temporarily, it can work for me when the cute guy won't ask me to the dance oh noes! But if you tell the 10-year-old, by the time she's 13, she'll be familiar with the whole story, and probably won't isolate the separate links; she'll most likely skip right to "self-harm = bad."
Side note: When you do decide to tell your kid, please concentrate on the aspects you want her to concentrate on. What not to do: "I was sooo upset because I never got enough attention from my parents, so I decided to act out, and I slept around and did drugs and cut myself, and even though I know it was a bad decision now, it felt so, so good then because it made me feel alive" etc. What to do: "Well, I made some bad decisions and wound up doing this to myself, but I knew it wasn't a good idea, so I went and talked to an adult I really trusted, who helped me get the help I needed, so I got to be all better and feel good about myself" etc.
Good luck.
posted by booksandlibretti at 10:09 PM on November 27, 2005 [2 favorites]
Lie. My mother described my father's suicide as an accident for years. I was a toddler when he died, but she waited until I was old enough to more fully understand the reasons for his death before correcting the lie -and I'm thankful. I'd feel differently about him now if she had been truthful from the get go.
posted by spork at 10:24 PM on November 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by spork at 10:24 PM on November 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
Another vote for untruth, at least until child has grown up. They don't need to know and it may be bad to plant the seed of the idea. Honesty and full disclosure are not supreme virtues. Excellent suggestions for suitable evasions above.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:24 AM on November 28, 2005
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:24 AM on November 28, 2005
Lie. There is no good reason for telling the truth about this.
The fact that you are considering telling them leads me to believe that you haven't completely overcome the impulse. The wish to trot out this pain in a public way is a warning sign to me. Consider more therapy.
posted by unixrat at 4:55 AM on November 28, 2005
The fact that you are considering telling them leads me to believe that you haven't completely overcome the impulse. The wish to trot out this pain in a public way is a warning sign to me. Consider more therapy.
posted by unixrat at 4:55 AM on November 28, 2005
Your child isn't your therapist or your confessor.
posted by andrew cooke at 5:24 AM on November 28, 2005
posted by andrew cooke at 5:24 AM on November 28, 2005
Another strong vote for lying. I actually have similar scars on one of my wrists and I am extremely vague when asked about them by any but those absolutely closest to me. To this day, many friends/family just know that I have scars from "a burn" there.
There are lies that are deceptive, and some just used to guard your privacy.
When I have children, I will most definitely do the same thing--address them as a physical fact only at first ("those are scars, scars happen when..."), be vague if pressed ("I got hurt, it was an accident..."), and then maybe at an age-appropriate time tell the story in a very careful way.
And honestly, I could see never telling a child the whole story at all. It depends on what kind of child I raise. You will know when the time comes if you have a well-adjusted 13-year-old who is just really curious and can handle the truth, or a sensitive 17year-old who probably shouldn't have ideas like that in her head, etc. Children become very different individual human beings.
Whatever you decide, remember you can't take back information once it's given. It's one thing for there to be a mystery about mom in a child's life (there are many mysteries in childhood anyway), but quite another to confront a child with something scary that they're not ready to, or can't understand.
Good luck to you, so smart to plan ahead for this...
posted by eileen at 9:00 AM on November 28, 2005
There are lies that are deceptive, and some just used to guard your privacy.
When I have children, I will most definitely do the same thing--address them as a physical fact only at first ("those are scars, scars happen when..."), be vague if pressed ("I got hurt, it was an accident..."), and then maybe at an age-appropriate time tell the story in a very careful way.
And honestly, I could see never telling a child the whole story at all. It depends on what kind of child I raise. You will know when the time comes if you have a well-adjusted 13-year-old who is just really curious and can handle the truth, or a sensitive 17year-old who probably shouldn't have ideas like that in her head, etc. Children become very different individual human beings.
Whatever you decide, remember you can't take back information once it's given. It's one thing for there to be a mystery about mom in a child's life (there are many mysteries in childhood anyway), but quite another to confront a child with something scary that they're not ready to, or can't understand.
Good luck to you, so smart to plan ahead for this...
posted by eileen at 9:00 AM on November 28, 2005
For the record, kids are pretty gullible. She'll probably be satisfied with "those are daddy's scars" for a long time.
posted by radioamy at 12:15 PM on November 29, 2005
posted by radioamy at 12:15 PM on November 29, 2005
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My answer would be different, btw, if you were still suffering from mental illness. I grew up in a home with a mentally ill parent and it took me a long time to wrap myself around it, since I don't remember anyone sitting me down and really explaining it to me.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:24 PM on November 27, 2005 [1 favorite]