How do i bring this up again without annoying him?
April 25, 2015 9:22 PM Subscribe
I posted a question prior to this a few weeks ago, and i need some more advice.
I posted a question prior to this a few weeks ago, and i need some more advice. My boyfriend went to Texas to visit his mom and go through Bartending school and he just graduated on Thursday night. He's barely talked to me in weeks until i finally said something about it, but he was supposed to make his mind up about us, and about moving there or coming back here. He still hasn't and it's been a month, when i bring it up he doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't have an answer. I'm afraid if i bring it up again i'll just annoy him.
He's mentioned staying there until he gets enough experience and then coming back, but i don't want to wait around while he gets experience because who knows how long that will be. If i can help it i don't want to do long distance, the month apart was enough for me. He's already signed up on the school's website to get emails of jobs hiring so that alone makes me think he's already made up his mind about staying there.
I know he just graduated not 2 days ago and i don't want to rain on his parade but this is stuff we need to figure out.
What should i say or do besides wait?
I posted a question prior to this a few weeks ago, and i need some more advice. My boyfriend went to Texas to visit his mom and go through Bartending school and he just graduated on Thursday night. He's barely talked to me in weeks until i finally said something about it, but he was supposed to make his mind up about us, and about moving there or coming back here. He still hasn't and it's been a month, when i bring it up he doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't have an answer. I'm afraid if i bring it up again i'll just annoy him.
He's mentioned staying there until he gets enough experience and then coming back, but i don't want to wait around while he gets experience because who knows how long that will be. If i can help it i don't want to do long distance, the month apart was enough for me. He's already signed up on the school's website to get emails of jobs hiring so that alone makes me think he's already made up his mind about staying there.
I know he just graduated not 2 days ago and i don't want to rain on his parade but this is stuff we need to figure out.
What should i say or do besides wait?
He's barely talked to me in weeks until i finally said something about it, but he was supposed to make his mind up about us, and about moving there or coming back here. He still hasn't and it's been a month, when i bring it up he doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't have an answer. I'm afraid if i bring it up again i'll just annoy him.
He broke up with you without actually saying it.
Don't walk on eggshells for anyone. If a direct question annoys him, that's his problem. "I don't want a long distance relationship. I need to know what your plans are."
But his plans are to stay where he is; if he was coming back to you then it would be obvious.
posted by desjardins at 9:40 PM on April 25, 2015 [34 favorites]
He broke up with you without actually saying it.
Don't walk on eggshells for anyone. If a direct question annoys him, that's his problem. "I don't want a long distance relationship. I need to know what your plans are."
But his plans are to stay where he is; if he was coming back to you then it would be obvious.
posted by desjardins at 9:40 PM on April 25, 2015 [34 favorites]
Response by poster: @ desjardins: I agree with everything you've said, but i have a question: If he plans on staying there why not just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush and saying how he doesn't want to lose me?
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:44 PM on April 25, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 9:44 PM on April 25, 2015
If he plans on staying there why not just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush and saying how he doesn't want to lose me?
Some people do not have the communication skills, emotional maturity and self-awareness to make a clear-cut decisions. They want one thing, but they also want another. And sometimes, some people try to keep one thing going until a better one comes along. Plus, it can be flattering and a nice stroke for the ego to have someone very distant pining for them. Some people also think that breaking up is 'hard' and so they kinda go along until they hope it fades away...
It's him, not you. He's just not that into you. Sorry.
posted by Thella at 9:55 PM on April 25, 2015 [58 favorites]
Some people do not have the communication skills, emotional maturity and self-awareness to make a clear-cut decisions. They want one thing, but they also want another. And sometimes, some people try to keep one thing going until a better one comes along. Plus, it can be flattering and a nice stroke for the ego to have someone very distant pining for them. Some people also think that breaking up is 'hard' and so they kinda go along until they hope it fades away...
It's him, not you. He's just not that into you. Sorry.
posted by Thella at 9:55 PM on April 25, 2015 [58 favorites]
Probably because he wants to have it both ways. He wants everything he wants even though they conflict with each other. He doesn't want to not have a girlfriend anymore but he doesn't want to do what he has to do to make that happen. If the way things are now is unacceptable, do the difficult and necessary thing and dump him yourself.
posted by bleep at 9:57 PM on April 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by bleep at 9:57 PM on April 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
This is one of those ones where "the answer is zero". Just break up with him. Don't bother giving him any ultimatums or begging him or anything.
If he gave a shit at all he'd already be back, and get a job as a barback and work his way up like every real bartender does.(bartending schools are scams i could rant about this at length bla bla bla).
I expected this to be some kind of "he texts fairly regularly but wont talk about this" but, radio silence? Dudes checked out already. Fuck that.
posted by emptythought at 10:13 PM on April 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
If he gave a shit at all he'd already be back, and get a job as a barback and work his way up like every real bartender does.(bartending schools are scams i could rant about this at length bla bla bla).
I expected this to be some kind of "he texts fairly regularly but wont talk about this" but, radio silence? Dudes checked out already. Fuck that.
posted by emptythought at 10:13 PM on April 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
Unfortunately it's a fairly common thing for people in long-distance relationships to decide that breaking up is hard, so since they have the option of not actually saying anything and waiting for you to stop trying to talk to them, they will go with that as the path of least resistance. If you have the choice between having an unpleasant conversation with somebody and just ignoring them until they get the idea--well, it's pretty common, especially with relationships that were fairly young. Even somebody who was local, this wouldn't be particularly shocking, to see some guy pull the "I'm just really busy" instead of having to be the bad guy.
posted by Sequence at 10:20 PM on April 25, 2015
posted by Sequence at 10:20 PM on April 25, 2015
If he plans on staying there why not just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush and saying how he doesn't want to lose me?
Because then he'd be "The Bad Guy" by doing something concrete to make you upset. He's hoping you'll be the one to say "let's break up" first, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy by saying it himself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:22 PM on April 25, 2015 [21 favorites]
Because then he'd be "The Bad Guy" by doing something concrete to make you upset. He's hoping you'll be the one to say "let's break up" first, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy by saying it himself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:22 PM on April 25, 2015 [21 favorites]
why not just come out and say it
Because some people can't break up with people. They deliberately behave badly until you break up with them. Then, as EmpressCallipygos said, he's not The Bad Guy. And it'll be Your Fault, if there are any regrets.
The important signs point to no, he doesn't want you. Whether it's because he's not sure or he has things to work through or whatever. Excuses. You should be with someone who says YES! to you and wants you and happily makes that clear.
Go sooner rather than later.
Take care of you.
posted by stellathon at 10:35 PM on April 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Because some people can't break up with people. They deliberately behave badly until you break up with them. Then, as EmpressCallipygos said, he's not The Bad Guy. And it'll be Your Fault, if there are any regrets.
The important signs point to no, he doesn't want you. Whether it's because he's not sure or he has things to work through or whatever. Excuses. You should be with someone who says YES! to you and wants you and happily makes that clear.
Go sooner rather than later.
Take care of you.
posted by stellathon at 10:35 PM on April 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think the better question is WHY are you sticking around for someone who is treating you shabbily, and with zero respect?
He's gone weeks without talking to you and he moved out of town? He broke up with you and has been stringing you along or been too scared to tell you. This is now confirmed, and was predicted in your last question.
This is not attractive behavior and it should turn you off and make you feel like dumping him. But it doesn't. Why is that?
Ask yourself. Ask yourself in therapy. Learn to drop kick people from your life when they aren't loving towards you, treating you with the dignity and caring and consideration for your feelings that you deserve.
Learn self-care and self protection skills in therapy. Start now because Life only gets better once you do this wonderful thing for yourself.
posted by jbenben at 10:44 PM on April 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
He's gone weeks without talking to you and he moved out of town? He broke up with you and has been stringing you along or been too scared to tell you. This is now confirmed, and was predicted in your last question.
This is not attractive behavior and it should turn you off and make you feel like dumping him. But it doesn't. Why is that?
Ask yourself. Ask yourself in therapy. Learn to drop kick people from your life when they aren't loving towards you, treating you with the dignity and caring and consideration for your feelings that you deserve.
Learn self-care and self protection skills in therapy. Start now because Life only gets better once you do this wonderful thing for yourself.
posted by jbenben at 10:44 PM on April 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
Why do people act like this? For many reasons, fear of confrontation, fear of hurting you, fear of being alone, fear of change, laziness, wanting to be seen as "the good guy", or even just seeing himself that way, if you break up with him then he's the victim not you.
The last thing on earth you should do is just wait, I'd very slowly start disentangling anything in your life that is entwined with his, shared bank accounts or online life or whatever, say goodbye cry a lot, learn from it and move on.
posted by wwax at 11:04 PM on April 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
The last thing on earth you should do is just wait, I'd very slowly start disentangling anything in your life that is entwined with his, shared bank accounts or online life or whatever, say goodbye cry a lot, learn from it and move on.
posted by wwax at 11:04 PM on April 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
@ desjardins: I agree with everything you've said, but i have a question: If he plans on staying there why not just come out and say it instead of beating around the bush and saying how he doesn't want to lose me?
Because having that talk is painful. He doesn't want to feel emotional pain and he doesn't want to cause you emotional pain. Unconsciously stalling and denial is less painful. It's a response to a difficult situation he's evolved without realizing he's done so.
And like most of us humans most of the time, he's not approaching this relationship stage (and/or extended breakup) from a standpoint of deep rationality. And he may have communication habits that work out better face to face than digital distance stuff.
It might also be that he wants Texas and you.
I agree with wwax; do self-care stuff and be ready to walk away, then have the talk. When you have or force a "Am I moving out there or are we breaking up?" talk, don't do it when you're already hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And try to be compassionate. Not compliant, and putting your needs and wants absolutely first, and being firm, but compassionate. (You can always be cutting later.)
Also, there's a chance that his spot in Texas is a much better fit for him than his spot in Tennessee, and that he's happier there because of setting, but that it could work out if you move out there. Ask him if he wants that. But only after you figure out if you want that.
Although I'd guess he's doing a not very well thought out slow fade.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:23 PM on April 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because having that talk is painful. He doesn't want to feel emotional pain and he doesn't want to cause you emotional pain. Unconsciously stalling and denial is less painful. It's a response to a difficult situation he's evolved without realizing he's done so.
And like most of us humans most of the time, he's not approaching this relationship stage (and/or extended breakup) from a standpoint of deep rationality. And he may have communication habits that work out better face to face than digital distance stuff.
It might also be that he wants Texas and you.
I agree with wwax; do self-care stuff and be ready to walk away, then have the talk. When you have or force a "Am I moving out there or are we breaking up?" talk, don't do it when you're already hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And try to be compassionate. Not compliant, and putting your needs and wants absolutely first, and being firm, but compassionate. (You can always be cutting later.)
Also, there's a chance that his spot in Texas is a much better fit for him than his spot in Tennessee, and that he's happier there because of setting, but that it could work out if you move out there. Ask him if he wants that. But only after you figure out if you want that.
Although I'd guess he's doing a not very well thought out slow fade.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:23 PM on April 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone who thinks that he's basically broken up with you without telling you. It is definitely worth trying to have one more conversation about what's happening. So what if he gets annoyed? The worst case scenario is that he breaks up with you. And him being clear about that would be preferable to what is going on now. But, honestly, I think you should just break up with him now and move on. It sounds like he is immature and/or a jerk.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:57 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:57 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
This guy is a jerk and you've already been dumped, he just didn't have the courtesy or balls to let you know. This is advice I've given in the past but it bears repeating. Don't bother calling to clarify, someone who hasn't phoned in weeks isn't your boyfriend any more. Start dating. Have fun. When he finally calls you in a month or so to check that you're still dangling on a string (for the ego boost) sound confused and ask why he's calling, because you hadn't heard from him and you naturally assumed the relationship was over.
Then tell him the new guy you're seeing probably won't appreciate you having too much to do with your loser ex and you need to go now. Date night and all. Have fun tending bar! Bye now...
posted by Jubey at 3:04 AM on April 26, 2015 [13 favorites]
Then tell him the new guy you're seeing probably won't appreciate you having too much to do with your loser ex and you need to go now. Date night and all. Have fun tending bar! Bye now...
posted by Jubey at 3:04 AM on April 26, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'm sorry, but it's over and he's too gutless to tell you. Stop waiting around for him and definitely stop worrying about annoying him. Don't contact him again and if/when he eventually contacts you to make sure you're still pining, tell him what he didn't have the courage to tell you: it's over and you've moved on.
posted by amro at 4:55 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 4:55 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
One cannot have their cake and eat it, too, but that's what this dude is trying to do.
He wants to keep you on a string while he's living the life in Texas.
Put on your Big Girl Pants and break up with him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.
Go No Contact, and move on with your life.
Repeat after me: "I deserve better than this!"
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:08 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
He wants to keep you on a string while he's living the life in Texas.
Put on your Big Girl Pants and break up with him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.
Go No Contact, and move on with your life.
Repeat after me: "I deserve better than this!"
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:08 AM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't wait around for him.
He isn't really interested in continuing his relationship, but for whatever reason, he isn't willing to say so. Most likely he doesn't want confrontation and figures you will take the hint eventually, or he is playing the field and keeping you around as a backup plan.
Even if he were interested in you, however, why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? You deserve better.
Move on. That's all you can do, or should do. This guy isn't even worth your thought.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:12 AM on April 26, 2015
He isn't really interested in continuing his relationship, but for whatever reason, he isn't willing to say so. Most likely he doesn't want confrontation and figures you will take the hint eventually, or he is playing the field and keeping you around as a backup plan.
Even if he were interested in you, however, why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? You deserve better.
Move on. That's all you can do, or should do. This guy isn't even worth your thought.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:12 AM on April 26, 2015
He's a selfish git that who likes to keep all his options open. Tell him to have a nice life, and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, buddy.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:17 AM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BlueHorse at 7:17 AM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
In other words: "Git, buddy."
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:28 AM on April 26, 2015
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:28 AM on April 26, 2015
I think women are often socialized to not demand, but be on the receiving end. ugh. i know i was like that. "what does HE want?" "does HE want to date me?" fuck that. Decide what you want and get it. Do YOU want to date someone who won't have this conversation with you? Do YOU want to date someone who's barely talked to you in WEEKS? all the while gaslighting you to make you feel like you're the annoying one for bringing this up. Geez, how annoying of you to want to know where you stand with your boyfriend...
Tell him you're done with waiting and being treated like garbage and move on.
posted by monologish at 8:25 AM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Tell him you're done with waiting and being treated like garbage and move on.
posted by monologish at 8:25 AM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
It might be good to think about why you're so worried to annoy him. He's obviously not worried about annoying you. You seem to want to avoid a conflict with him, but if you are unhappy and worried about something there's already a conflict going on. This relationship sounds like it's over so at this point you may as well move on. In your next relationship, if upset about something, or if you need to talk, bring it to the table for both of you. Avoiding the talk doesn't mean things are fine. If one of you is unhappy about something, there is already a problem, so you may as well open the conversation. It takes self-esteem to rock the boat, but it's worth it.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:18 AM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:18 AM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's so much easier for him to say what you want to hear. It doesn't obligate him to do anything except occasionally talk to you, less and less frequently, until you finally get fed up and dump him, which will barely affect him because he'll be completely checked out and probably either seeing someone else or at least getting laid like a young bartender.
When you are in a situation where you are afraid to to ask for what you need or have any standards because they might "annoy" the other person, you are in a shit situation that is likely unfixable. That goes for your work life, friends, family, boyfriends, or financial transactions.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:22 AM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
When you are in a situation where you are afraid to to ask for what you need or have any standards because they might "annoy" the other person, you are in a shit situation that is likely unfixable. That goes for your work life, friends, family, boyfriends, or financial transactions.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:22 AM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it! And i do deserve way better than what i'm getting from him. I now know what i need to do, let's just see if i can get my stuff back from his dad's house first. Last time asked him to get in touch with his dad about it nothing came of it.
posted by earthquakeglue at 4:21 PM on April 26, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 4:21 PM on April 26, 2015
Seconding Jubey's excellent advice.
As for your stuff - just go to his dad's house and get your stuff. Go now. Be pleasant and cordial "Hi, I just need to get a couple of things that I left here by mistake... so how've you been?" Blah blah blah. Let his dad pick up the phone and call him if dad doesn't want to release your stuff. Don't get on the phone with him, don't get into it. Move on with your life and let bf sit there wondering what is happening.
posted by vignettist at 6:36 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
As for your stuff - just go to his dad's house and get your stuff. Go now. Be pleasant and cordial "Hi, I just need to get a couple of things that I left here by mistake... so how've you been?" Blah blah blah. Let his dad pick up the phone and call him if dad doesn't want to release your stuff. Don't get on the phone with him, don't get into it. Move on with your life and let bf sit there wondering what is happening.
posted by vignettist at 6:36 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I'll probably have to go next week when i have a day off. I don't know his dad's work schedule so i just hope he's there that day because i don't want to drive 30 minutes there and back for nothing. That was the only reason i wanted to talk to him so he could tell his dad to put my stuff on a bag and i could just go grab it off the porch.
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:48 PM on April 26, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 7:48 PM on April 26, 2015
Do you have his dad's number? Call him yourself. If you don't have he number, call your ex and ask for his dad's number so you can get your stuff. No discussion about whether you are or aren't broken up, just "Can I have your dad's number".
If he refuses or says he doesn't want you to call his dad, say "mmmm, well I need to call him because otherwise I'mgoing to have to go over there on Friday and sit on his porch until he gets home" - make if very clear you're going round there one way or another.
He sounds spineless enough that he won't want you embarrassing him by camping out on his dad's porch, so I expect you'll get the number. If you don't or if you can't reach the sad, just go round there. Take a book in case you have to hang around for a while. Leave a note if you don't manage to catch him in this time.
posted by tinkletown at 3:00 AM on April 27, 2015
If he refuses or says he doesn't want you to call his dad, say "mmmm, well I need to call him because otherwise I'mgoing to have to go over there on Friday and sit on his porch until he gets home" - make if very clear you're going round there one way or another.
He sounds spineless enough that he won't want you embarrassing him by camping out on his dad's porch, so I expect you'll get the number. If you don't or if you can't reach the sad, just go round there. Take a book in case you have to hang around for a while. Leave a note if you don't manage to catch him in this time.
posted by tinkletown at 3:00 AM on April 27, 2015
Response by poster: Nope, i don't have his dad's number. Well i tried texting my ex and telling him to get his dad to leave my stuff outside because i would be by on Wednesday after 4 to get everything, he never answered so we'll see if he told him or if i'll be knocking on the door and waiting for him to get home from work.
posted by earthquakeglue at 5:22 PM on April 27, 2015
posted by earthquakeglue at 5:22 PM on April 27, 2015
Response by poster: I had someone message me to post a follow up of everything, sorry i'm just now posting it. So since i posted this i did get all my stuff back intact, his dad left it out for me to get. After that he hasn't talked me since, and i deleted him off of everything.
I feel a lot better about things now too, and hopefully i'll eventually find someone that actually treats me like i deserve to be treated. Not like this, it just really wasn't a good situation, and thanks to everyone for the advice it all really helped.
posted by earthquakeglue at 12:19 PM on June 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
I feel a lot better about things now too, and hopefully i'll eventually find someone that actually treats me like i deserve to be treated. Not like this, it just really wasn't a good situation, and thanks to everyone for the advice it all really helped.
posted by earthquakeglue at 12:19 PM on June 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
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