I am a 30-something moron who cannot get my life together. Help?
April 24, 2015 7:19 AM Subscribe
I have been unemployed for over 2 years and I am finding it very difficult to move on in life. I can barely get jobs and and when I do get a job I cannot hold it down for longer than a week.
Last year I managed to find employment 4 times. The first one didn't take and on the day I was meant to start he sent me a message which said 'one of my old employees suddenly came back on the scene so I gave the job to her - you don't come here today'. I was relieved (though disappointed). I didn't want the job. The second was for a baby's clothes shop and I was asked to show up for a trial. I called a few days before and told them that it wasn't for me. I went for another retail job (this time a kids toy shop) and I quit after a day. Job number 4 was a music shop (you'd have thought i'd have learned a lesson) and I found it very difficult to make any sort of great effort, particularly as I did not like the guy who was in charge of my section (he was lazier than me, very snarky and completely disinterested in showing new people the ropes). I quit. I don't know what is wrong with me. I apply for jobs in retail because they are jobs I can 'do' however I am finding it almost impossible to do them now.
I worked in the music industry for over 10 years and spent so long working hard for ungrateful bosses that I feel it has sort of scarred me for life. This might sound like i'm lying but I am actually a hard worker. I love to work hard but it kills me inside to make this effort for other people. I have never got on well with managers however I always get on well with colleagues. In an ideal world I would run my own music business but it feels as if this is futile. I am still living with my parents (I did move out) and I have failed at life. I am everything I do not want to be but I don't have a vision of what I do want. I have no idea how to get out of this rut. Help?
Last year I managed to find employment 4 times. The first one didn't take and on the day I was meant to start he sent me a message which said 'one of my old employees suddenly came back on the scene so I gave the job to her - you don't come here today'. I was relieved (though disappointed). I didn't want the job. The second was for a baby's clothes shop and I was asked to show up for a trial. I called a few days before and told them that it wasn't for me. I went for another retail job (this time a kids toy shop) and I quit after a day. Job number 4 was a music shop (you'd have thought i'd have learned a lesson) and I found it very difficult to make any sort of great effort, particularly as I did not like the guy who was in charge of my section (he was lazier than me, very snarky and completely disinterested in showing new people the ropes). I quit. I don't know what is wrong with me. I apply for jobs in retail because they are jobs I can 'do' however I am finding it almost impossible to do them now.
I worked in the music industry for over 10 years and spent so long working hard for ungrateful bosses that I feel it has sort of scarred me for life. This might sound like i'm lying but I am actually a hard worker. I love to work hard but it kills me inside to make this effort for other people. I have never got on well with managers however I always get on well with colleagues. In an ideal world I would run my own music business but it feels as if this is futile. I am still living with my parents (I did move out) and I have failed at life. I am everything I do not want to be but I don't have a vision of what I do want. I have no idea how to get out of this rut. Help?
It sounds like your biggest problem is quitting jobs. So don't do that.
posted by xingcat at 7:34 AM on April 24, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:34 AM on April 24, 2015 [28 favorites]
Get a goal. Let's use running your own music business as an example. In order to make that a reality you will need a few things, capital, experience and contacts. My guess is that you don't have all three - so start working toward acquiring them.
Try to get a job working for a business that does what you want to do. Learn the business, network, pay your dues, and save money. When you have learned enough, networked enough, and saved enough you could potentially buy into the business, or start your own.
posted by axismundi at 7:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Try to get a job working for a business that does what you want to do. Learn the business, network, pay your dues, and save money. When you have learned enough, networked enough, and saved enough you could potentially buy into the business, or start your own.
posted by axismundi at 7:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not every job is a good job, but you can still stick around and be a good worker. Sometimes you can even make the not-good job into a good one. And if you can't, then at least you'll know what to look out for when looking to get a new job, which is a lot easier when you've been holding another steady job for a while.
It sounds like you may have had trouble getting along with and respecting your managers - well, you're getting paid to, and it is part of your job. You don't have to respect them outside of work, or in your head. Good luck!
posted by destructive cactus at 7:41 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you may have had trouble getting along with and respecting your managers - well, you're getting paid to, and it is part of your job. You don't have to respect them outside of work, or in your head. Good luck!
posted by destructive cactus at 7:41 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you've got two problems here: one is that you apparently hate retail, and the other is that you have begun to quit too easily.
The first is solved simply by going for non-retail jobs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you --- I too hate working retail, and in fact I'm absolutely AWFUL at customer-contact jobs in general. So, how about office clerk jobs, or warehousing work, or just about anything that isn't a retail store.
The second problem will take willpower: don't LET yourself quit, especially after only a day or two. Make yourself a rule that you HAVE to stick it out for, say, a minimum of three months, no matter how awful.
Finally: you sound depressed, and I think you're showing some symptoms of depression.... I know it's almost a cliche, but consider seeing a therapist.
posted by easily confused at 8:18 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first is solved simply by going for non-retail jobs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you --- I too hate working retail, and in fact I'm absolutely AWFUL at customer-contact jobs in general. So, how about office clerk jobs, or warehousing work, or just about anything that isn't a retail store.
The second problem will take willpower: don't LET yourself quit, especially after only a day or two. Make yourself a rule that you HAVE to stick it out for, say, a minimum of three months, no matter how awful.
Finally: you sound depressed, and I think you're showing some symptoms of depression.... I know it's almost a cliche, but consider seeing a therapist.
posted by easily confused at 8:18 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree that you sound depressed, and I know from first-hand experience that it's hard to do anything about that when you don't have work. If you can find a way to therapy, it could be very helpful in uncovering what you want to do, why you keep quitting jobs even before they've started, and how to make your goals happen.
If therapy just isn't possible right now, try journaling or talking with a friend or family about these things. What goals would motivate you to work? Is there other work that you'd be more likely to keep doing? Is there music you love that you could work on with friends for money or even volunteering, to help light your fire?
posted by ldthomps at 8:19 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
If therapy just isn't possible right now, try journaling or talking with a friend or family about these things. What goals would motivate you to work? Is there other work that you'd be more likely to keep doing? Is there music you love that you could work on with friends for money or even volunteering, to help light your fire?
posted by ldthomps at 8:19 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
This might sound like i'm lying but I am actually a hard worker.
From what you say above, it seems like you don't have the same definition of being a hard worker as other people do. For the first three jobs, you worked a cumulative total of a day. The first job, they decided on someone else. The second job, you did not start. The third job, you worked a single day and quit. You worked at the fourth job less than a week. Someone who has worked a couple of days out of the year, most times choosing to leave their job, does not sound like a hard worker to me.
I'm in a great position in my career and I love what I do and I enjoy the people that I work with. Is every single day a basket of fucking sunshine and roses? No, of course not. Sometimes I have to work late. Some weeks I have to spend hours and hours looking at my budget for the upcoming year even though it's terrible and I hate it because by understanding how much money I have I can maximize the number of people I hire and how much I pay them. Sometimes I have to care about SEO even though SEO is literally Satan's nut sack.
A fully formed and satisfying career in which you work for yourself and do not answer to anyone else is not going to fall from the sky. You have to get there. buoys in the hood sets out some great first steps. I will emphasize that you have to get a job and keep it in order for anything else to happen. Even if you hate it and it sucks.
posted by kate blank at 8:20 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
From what you say above, it seems like you don't have the same definition of being a hard worker as other people do. For the first three jobs, you worked a cumulative total of a day. The first job, they decided on someone else. The second job, you did not start. The third job, you worked a single day and quit. You worked at the fourth job less than a week. Someone who has worked a couple of days out of the year, most times choosing to leave their job, does not sound like a hard worker to me.
I'm in a great position in my career and I love what I do and I enjoy the people that I work with. Is every single day a basket of fucking sunshine and roses? No, of course not. Sometimes I have to work late. Some weeks I have to spend hours and hours looking at my budget for the upcoming year even though it's terrible and I hate it because by understanding how much money I have I can maximize the number of people I hire and how much I pay them. Sometimes I have to care about SEO even though SEO is literally Satan's nut sack.
A fully formed and satisfying career in which you work for yourself and do not answer to anyone else is not going to fall from the sky. You have to get there. buoys in the hood sets out some great first steps. I will emphasize that you have to get a job and keep it in order for anything else to happen. Even if you hate it and it sucks.
posted by kate blank at 8:20 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Even a good job has its downfalls - some things you have to do are tedious, some are frustrating, some are more time consuming to finish than it seems they should be. Even people who work for themselves and own their own businesses have to do time consuming, tedious, and frustrating work.
You sound depressed and self-defeating and like a good candidate for therapy and perhaps anti-depressant drugs.
But in addition to that, you also really you need to just man up and get a job and do the work. A lot of us feel like we are "killed inside" working for someone else, or for a company, I bet even a lot of the managers you have had could say that about themselves too, they're not happy to be there just because they manage people. most of us cope with it by having other goals and having something we're working toward that isn't related to the job.
But the reality is: you need money to live, you need a work history to get a better job, you need self-discipline and the ability to complete boring and necessary tasks in order to run your own business or enterprise in the future. You need to get those things and you need to work to do it. If you can't handle customer service in a retail shop, get a job as a bike messenger or a stock room clerk or a prep cook in the back of a restaurant or do data entry.
Also, you need to focus less on the fact that you don't get along with the people at work. It's ok. You're not being paid to make friends. You're just there to work and get paid and go home. Be polite and considerate but aside from that there's no need to try to get everyone to like you or worry about it if they seem to not like you. Even if you own your own business you are going to have to do things you don't like doing, and you are going to have to deal with people who are jerks or rude sometimes; being able to do this gracefully and reliably because you know what the long term goal is -- a greater success -- that's the mark of being a hard worker and a mature person.
posted by zdravo at 8:32 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
You sound depressed and self-defeating and like a good candidate for therapy and perhaps anti-depressant drugs.
But in addition to that, you also really you need to just man up and get a job and do the work. A lot of us feel like we are "killed inside" working for someone else, or for a company, I bet even a lot of the managers you have had could say that about themselves too, they're not happy to be there just because they manage people. most of us cope with it by having other goals and having something we're working toward that isn't related to the job.
But the reality is: you need money to live, you need a work history to get a better job, you need self-discipline and the ability to complete boring and necessary tasks in order to run your own business or enterprise in the future. You need to get those things and you need to work to do it. If you can't handle customer service in a retail shop, get a job as a bike messenger or a stock room clerk or a prep cook in the back of a restaurant or do data entry.
Also, you need to focus less on the fact that you don't get along with the people at work. It's ok. You're not being paid to make friends. You're just there to work and get paid and go home. Be polite and considerate but aside from that there's no need to try to get everyone to like you or worry about it if they seem to not like you. Even if you own your own business you are going to have to do things you don't like doing, and you are going to have to deal with people who are jerks or rude sometimes; being able to do this gracefully and reliably because you know what the long term goal is -- a greater success -- that's the mark of being a hard worker and a mature person.
posted by zdravo at 8:32 AM on April 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Non-snarky question: what expectations did you have of those jobs, going in? Or in other words, what would a job in retail have to be like to keep you?
Because there seems to be a mismatch in expectations and reality.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because there seems to be a mismatch in expectations and reality.
posted by Omnomnom at 8:39 AM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mom-style advice, but:
I love to work hard but it kills me inside to make this effort for other people.
...this is pretty much the definition of "a job" and it's why the other people give you money in exchange for it.
There are jobs that we do for love and because we feel good every day, and then there are jobs we do to just pay the bills. Contrary to whatever you learned growing up, a lot a lot a lot of us are going to spend at least a chunk of our earning years in jobs that pay the bills.
And that's okay, because paying your bills is what will make you adult in a position to also pursue your dreams.
You aren't actually a hard worker yet. You are someone who in the past has worked hard when it was a good fit. Now it is time to become someone who works hard even when it's not the best fit ever.
The next time you get a job, keep it for at least six months. Go in every day reminding yourself that you are building up a muscle of doing work you may or may not love, for people you may or may not like, in order to become an actually hard worker.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:50 AM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
I love to work hard but it kills me inside to make this effort for other people.
...this is pretty much the definition of "a job" and it's why the other people give you money in exchange for it.
There are jobs that we do for love and because we feel good every day, and then there are jobs we do to just pay the bills. Contrary to whatever you learned growing up, a lot a lot a lot of us are going to spend at least a chunk of our earning years in jobs that pay the bills.
And that's okay, because paying your bills is what will make you adult in a position to also pursue your dreams.
You aren't actually a hard worker yet. You are someone who in the past has worked hard when it was a good fit. Now it is time to become someone who works hard even when it's not the best fit ever.
The next time you get a job, keep it for at least six months. Go in every day reminding yourself that you are building up a muscle of doing work you may or may not love, for people you may or may not like, in order to become an actually hard worker.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:50 AM on April 24, 2015 [9 favorites]
First of all, please strike the words "moron" and "failure" from your internal dictionary. You're being extremely mean to yourself!
I do agree that, yep, sometimes you just need to suck it up and work. And that less than a week at a job before quitting isn't nearly long enough to really tell how the job is going to be.
And yep, sometimes you have to work for lazy jerks. That's just life.
I haaaaaaate my current job. And it's a well paid career! I hate my passive aggressive boss, I hate the projects, I hate a combative culture. I hate it. Every day I think "Well, I'm just gonna march down to HR and resign! Today!"
But I don't get to do that, unfortunately. As a grown up, you don't get to just quit. There is no quit without massive savings, planning, job hunting, and interviewing. That's just life.
It's been really rough to feel so stuck at Hell Job. But I set myself a goal: if I hit $X,XXX in savings, I get to quit. No questions asked. That was 6 months ago, and as of next paycheck, I hit it! HOORAY, I get to quit on May 15th! I already have three viable job offers!
And see - it's not like I'm some special goal-reaching superhero. YOU can set a goal too, and just go for it! You're not a failure, you're not a moron.
You're just not giving yourself a shot to succeed!
How about this: you keep a job for six months, save $XX or $XXX out of every paycheck , and you get to move out!
posted by functionequalsform at 8:51 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do agree that, yep, sometimes you just need to suck it up and work. And that less than a week at a job before quitting isn't nearly long enough to really tell how the job is going to be.
And yep, sometimes you have to work for lazy jerks. That's just life.
I haaaaaaate my current job. And it's a well paid career! I hate my passive aggressive boss, I hate the projects, I hate a combative culture. I hate it. Every day I think "Well, I'm just gonna march down to HR and resign! Today!"
But I don't get to do that, unfortunately. As a grown up, you don't get to just quit. There is no quit without massive savings, planning, job hunting, and interviewing. That's just life.
It's been really rough to feel so stuck at Hell Job. But I set myself a goal: if I hit $X,XXX in savings, I get to quit. No questions asked. That was 6 months ago, and as of next paycheck, I hit it! HOORAY, I get to quit on May 15th! I already have three viable job offers!
And see - it's not like I'm some special goal-reaching superhero. YOU can set a goal too, and just go for it! You're not a failure, you're not a moron.
You're just not giving yourself a shot to succeed!
How about this: you keep a job for six months, save $XX or $XXX out of every paycheck , and you get to move out!
posted by functionequalsform at 8:51 AM on April 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like your biggest problem is quitting jobs. So don't do that.
Seconding this. This is gonna sound like tough love, but I'm not really seeing any overwhelming reason why you quit those four jobs:
* The first one, all you say is that "it didn't take" and that you "didn't want it". Well...I don't want the job I have either and would much rather be a profoundly lucrative travel writer, but that's not happening right now and I don't want to be broke even more than I don't want this job so I suck it up and I do it; so this "didn't want it" doesn't really fly.
* The second job you said it "wasn't for you" even though it sounds like you never went in to do it in the first place, so how could you know?
* The third job you just quit after a day but you don't say why.
* The fourth job you just "didn't make an effort" because you "didn't like your boss" and you quit after only one day. And coming on the heels of saying that you were able to hang in working for "ungrateful bosses" in the music industry but stuck with that nonetheless, it doesn't really fly why with THIS guy you just quit.
None of those are good reasons to quit jobs.
You say you "don't know what is wrong with me" but from where I'm sitting, it sounds kind of like what's wrong with you is that you're kind of spoiled into expecting a job is going to be 100% satisfying on a deep inner emotional level right away, and when it isn't you just quit.
No job is ever going to be like that on the very first day, even the dream jobs. And every job involves a degree of sucking it up and dealing for at least a while. Not that you need to stay with a job that's a terrible fit, but there is no way you would know whether a job is a terrible fit after only one day - and there is absolutely no way you would know whether a job "wasn't for you" without having tried it in the first place.
I have a feeling that what is keeping you from moving on is the safety net that I'm suspecting is keeping you up right now; you don't mention how you are paying the bills despite quitting these jobs, so I'm not sure whether it's loans from family, a huge savings, etc. I have a hunch that whatever that is, it's giving you a false sense of security that is letting you be more cavalier about whether you give a job a fair shake. I would try: if you're tempted to quit a job after one day, stop and imagine what it would be like if that safety net wasn't there. Feel that ice-cold fear of "holy fuck how would I pay the bills then" - and then take a deep breath and hang in at the job for at least another week.
Again, I'm not saying that you need to stay with a terrible job - but it sounds like you're expecting way more out of these jobs than is realistic, and something is giving you the sense of security that is letting you get away with that. There is simply no way to know after only a day whether a job is utterly terrible.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:57 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Seconding this. This is gonna sound like tough love, but I'm not really seeing any overwhelming reason why you quit those four jobs:
* The first one, all you say is that "it didn't take" and that you "didn't want it". Well...I don't want the job I have either and would much rather be a profoundly lucrative travel writer, but that's not happening right now and I don't want to be broke even more than I don't want this job so I suck it up and I do it; so this "didn't want it" doesn't really fly.
* The second job you said it "wasn't for you" even though it sounds like you never went in to do it in the first place, so how could you know?
* The third job you just quit after a day but you don't say why.
* The fourth job you just "didn't make an effort" because you "didn't like your boss" and you quit after only one day. And coming on the heels of saying that you were able to hang in working for "ungrateful bosses" in the music industry but stuck with that nonetheless, it doesn't really fly why with THIS guy you just quit.
None of those are good reasons to quit jobs.
You say you "don't know what is wrong with me" but from where I'm sitting, it sounds kind of like what's wrong with you is that you're kind of spoiled into expecting a job is going to be 100% satisfying on a deep inner emotional level right away, and when it isn't you just quit.
No job is ever going to be like that on the very first day, even the dream jobs. And every job involves a degree of sucking it up and dealing for at least a while. Not that you need to stay with a job that's a terrible fit, but there is no way you would know whether a job is a terrible fit after only one day - and there is absolutely no way you would know whether a job "wasn't for you" without having tried it in the first place.
I have a feeling that what is keeping you from moving on is the safety net that I'm suspecting is keeping you up right now; you don't mention how you are paying the bills despite quitting these jobs, so I'm not sure whether it's loans from family, a huge savings, etc. I have a hunch that whatever that is, it's giving you a false sense of security that is letting you be more cavalier about whether you give a job a fair shake. I would try: if you're tempted to quit a job after one day, stop and imagine what it would be like if that safety net wasn't there. Feel that ice-cold fear of "holy fuck how would I pay the bills then" - and then take a deep breath and hang in at the job for at least another week.
Again, I'm not saying that you need to stay with a terrible job - but it sounds like you're expecting way more out of these jobs than is realistic, and something is giving you the sense of security that is letting you get away with that. There is simply no way to know after only a day whether a job is utterly terrible.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:57 AM on April 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Starting a new job is really overwhelming and stressful, ime. Everything is new -- the people, the place, your duties -- and there's usually a pretty steep learning curve. You can't *really* jump right in and start working straight away, because you don't even know where anything is, let alone how the company wants you to do it. Plus, your routine is a mess and trying to start up a new one will leave you pretty exhausted all by itself. I heard on television or somewhere that "first days are the worst days," and it's been helpful to me personally to remember that.
The first day (probably even the first week or the first month) is going to be overwhelming and you're probably going to feel lonely and incompetent during it. But that's just because it's all so new and you haven't found your footing yet. So give yourself the chance to settle into a job before you even start considering leaving it. It's OK if you ultimately decide to quit a job, but quit *once you have settled in,* because of a problem with *that* job, rather than because starting a job is stressing you out and exhausting you and you just need it to be over. Since starting a job is going to be rough for *every* job, there's no use quitting over that.
Ime, it takes *at least* 2-3 months to really settle in. You'll probably have all the "training" you need and know your way around in about a month, but you won't have settled in and gotten into the routine of it for quite a bit longer than that. So next time you get a job, I think you should commit to keeping it, come hell or high water, for *at least* three months. Don't just quit because you see the learning curve looming over you, you can get through it.
There's nothing wrong with you, don't worry. You're not a gigantic failure. I think you're just getting the jitters when you're starting a new job (which is *normal*), and you try to relieve the anxiety by quitting (which is the problem). You can overcome that. Next time, just get the jitters but DON'T quit :)
posted by rue72 at 8:58 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
The first day (probably even the first week or the first month) is going to be overwhelming and you're probably going to feel lonely and incompetent during it. But that's just because it's all so new and you haven't found your footing yet. So give yourself the chance to settle into a job before you even start considering leaving it. It's OK if you ultimately decide to quit a job, but quit *once you have settled in,* because of a problem with *that* job, rather than because starting a job is stressing you out and exhausting you and you just need it to be over. Since starting a job is going to be rough for *every* job, there's no use quitting over that.
Ime, it takes *at least* 2-3 months to really settle in. You'll probably have all the "training" you need and know your way around in about a month, but you won't have settled in and gotten into the routine of it for quite a bit longer than that. So next time you get a job, I think you should commit to keeping it, come hell or high water, for *at least* three months. Don't just quit because you see the learning curve looming over you, you can get through it.
There's nothing wrong with you, don't worry. You're not a gigantic failure. I think you're just getting the jitters when you're starting a new job (which is *normal*), and you try to relieve the anxiety by quitting (which is the problem). You can overcome that. Next time, just get the jitters but DON'T quit :)
posted by rue72 at 8:58 AM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
We keep mentioning depression, because you show a ton of signs of it. (at least, this sounds exactly like me when I was hella depressed) I'd look into getting therapy and meds ASAP. A lot of this chronic inability to function and quick giving up will go away when the depression stops fucking with your brain.
(i'm at work, so someone please link the uh... CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! lady's comic description of her depression)
posted by Jacen at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2015
(i'm at work, so someone please link the uh... CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! lady's comic description of her depression)
posted by Jacen at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2015
If all work was fun and easy, why would anyone be willing to pay someone else to do it? You say it kills you to work hard for other people, as though you're not getting anything out of the deal. The deal is that they pay you. The deal is that you work hard so that they pay you and not someone else who can do it better than you. It's as simple as that, and I'm certain that you must understand this on an intellectual level. You do, right?
Also, think about what you would do if suddenly your parents said, "OP, we can't baby you anymore, you need to move out." Or it could be any other thing that would result in your parents being unable to support you further. Would you crawl into a hole and wither away to oblivion? Or would you take a job, any job, and deal with the unpleasantries, because feeling frustrated or annoyed by a job is still better than scrounging half eaten food out of the trash or starving? On the other side of the coin, is there anything you want to do, hobbies to pursue, people and places to see, that you can't because you lack the funds? Is there anything that could motivate you to grit your teeth and get through another day at work?
It strikes me that something within you has changed drastically, since you were able to work and presumably support yourself over a 10 year period, in an industry that is notoriously difficult tough to work in. What kind of work was that? Can you tell us a bit more about your skills and qualifications? Did you enjoy any part of your work before? Your question is so vague, it's hard to know what's going on from the outside, and it seems that you are having just as much difficulty understanding the situation on the inside. Lack of motivation, inability to enjoy anything, generally feeling flat, are these sorts of difficulties plaguing you in other parts of your life? I would urge you to see a medical professional and rule out depression or dysthymia before you try again to look for work.
When you're ready to resume the job search, what everyone else said is true about starting a new job. There is always a learning curve, it's awkward and rough, and you feel like the odd duck until you start getting to know your coworkers and fitting in with them. There's no way around it, and overcoming these challenges is the only way that you will grow. Circling back to the issue of doing it "for other people," and what are you getting out of the deal - you're learning skills that you can use to find better jobs. You're getting something to put on your resume that you can use to find better jobs. You give your best, so that you can get the most out of it, know what I mean?
Anecdote time - I was rather under-qualified when I started my current job. It was a big jump from my last job to my current one. How long was my learning curve? My manager estimated 6 months to feel like I was getting a grasp on things, a full year before I would feel comfortable in the role. He was right, and it was one of the hardest years of my life, but I put my whole heart into it, and I learned so much, so quickly. Had I taken the easy route and stayed at my old comfy job, I would be so far behind where I am now in my career development. And I'm reaping the fruits of that labor in the form of promotions and raises, and having become a much more attractive candidate to other potential employers. If you truly do love to work hard, then do it for yourself. Not for your employer.
I had an ex-boyfriend who would never work hard. He thought he was sticking it to The Man by cutting corners and slacking off whenever he could. Where is he now? He's still working the same crappy job he had when I first met him, over ten years ago. Again, work hard for YOU. Forget about spiting your employer, that almost never does you any good.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:42 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, think about what you would do if suddenly your parents said, "OP, we can't baby you anymore, you need to move out." Or it could be any other thing that would result in your parents being unable to support you further. Would you crawl into a hole and wither away to oblivion? Or would you take a job, any job, and deal with the unpleasantries, because feeling frustrated or annoyed by a job is still better than scrounging half eaten food out of the trash or starving? On the other side of the coin, is there anything you want to do, hobbies to pursue, people and places to see, that you can't because you lack the funds? Is there anything that could motivate you to grit your teeth and get through another day at work?
It strikes me that something within you has changed drastically, since you were able to work and presumably support yourself over a 10 year period, in an industry that is notoriously difficult tough to work in. What kind of work was that? Can you tell us a bit more about your skills and qualifications? Did you enjoy any part of your work before? Your question is so vague, it's hard to know what's going on from the outside, and it seems that you are having just as much difficulty understanding the situation on the inside. Lack of motivation, inability to enjoy anything, generally feeling flat, are these sorts of difficulties plaguing you in other parts of your life? I would urge you to see a medical professional and rule out depression or dysthymia before you try again to look for work.
When you're ready to resume the job search, what everyone else said is true about starting a new job. There is always a learning curve, it's awkward and rough, and you feel like the odd duck until you start getting to know your coworkers and fitting in with them. There's no way around it, and overcoming these challenges is the only way that you will grow. Circling back to the issue of doing it "for other people," and what are you getting out of the deal - you're learning skills that you can use to find better jobs. You're getting something to put on your resume that you can use to find better jobs. You give your best, so that you can get the most out of it, know what I mean?
Anecdote time - I was rather under-qualified when I started my current job. It was a big jump from my last job to my current one. How long was my learning curve? My manager estimated 6 months to feel like I was getting a grasp on things, a full year before I would feel comfortable in the role. He was right, and it was one of the hardest years of my life, but I put my whole heart into it, and I learned so much, so quickly. Had I taken the easy route and stayed at my old comfy job, I would be so far behind where I am now in my career development. And I'm reaping the fruits of that labor in the form of promotions and raises, and having become a much more attractive candidate to other potential employers. If you truly do love to work hard, then do it for yourself. Not for your employer.
I had an ex-boyfriend who would never work hard. He thought he was sticking it to The Man by cutting corners and slacking off whenever he could. Where is he now? He's still working the same crappy job he had when I first met him, over ten years ago. Again, work hard for YOU. Forget about spiting your employer, that almost never does you any good.
posted by keep it under cover at 2:42 PM on April 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would dismiss all of the outcry about your depression or maturity. For whatever reason you have issue with others or don't like retail. Think about the solution rather than psychoanalysis.
I am in the same position as you. I am not going to work with others unless I really care about what I am doing. I've decided to go back to school for an associates degree that will allow me to work from home so I can support myself. Do you think that could work for you too?
posted by skwint at 4:26 AM on April 25, 2015
I am in the same position as you. I am not going to work with others unless I really care about what I am doing. I've decided to go back to school for an associates degree that will allow me to work from home so I can support myself. Do you think that could work for you too?
posted by skwint at 4:26 AM on April 25, 2015
i'm at work, so someone please link the uh... CLEAN ALL THE THINGS! lady's comic description of her depression
It's Hyperbole and a Half.
posted by CathyG at 3:34 PM on April 25, 2015
It's Hyperbole and a Half.
posted by CathyG at 3:34 PM on April 25, 2015
You are not your job, or lack thereof. Your value as a human being is not derived from the thing you do in order to survive. Capitalism tells us these things are true, so we'll keep doing shitty, mindless awful jobs and participate in global consumption to keep other people wealthy.
Don't feel bad, hating work is normal, and healthy. Work is largely bullshit.
Think about the life you want to live, how much that will cost, and what you can do to get there. Go through the motions to do it, and keep a healthy dose of "fuck you" to the bosses in your back pocket. Do what you love in your spare time. Or do nothing. Enjoy your life.
Leave whatever shit job you can as soon as you can. Nothing about the future is certain, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, so go on and do what you want, right now.
Don't worry about anyone else's opinion of how your life conforms to others.'
posted by meeeese at 1:16 AM on April 26, 2015
Don't feel bad, hating work is normal, and healthy. Work is largely bullshit.
Think about the life you want to live, how much that will cost, and what you can do to get there. Go through the motions to do it, and keep a healthy dose of "fuck you" to the bosses in your back pocket. Do what you love in your spare time. Or do nothing. Enjoy your life.
Leave whatever shit job you can as soon as you can. Nothing about the future is certain, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, so go on and do what you want, right now.
Don't worry about anyone else's opinion of how your life conforms to others.'
posted by meeeese at 1:16 AM on April 26, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know it feels hopeless and overwhelming right now, but just take a day at a time and see how it goes. Give each job at least a month to see how you really feel about it, and with that month, focus on just getting through one day at a time.
I also wonder if this isn't some depression talking. You're thinking things are catastrophically bad and defeating yourself before you even get a chance to start. Have you tried to talk to a therapist about this? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, in particular, might be helpful.
posted by goggie at 7:32 AM on April 24, 2015 [4 favorites]