No idea what to wear to friend's wedding? (Male)
April 23, 2015 12:31 PM   Subscribe

I am an early 30's dude who was invited to a friend's wedding. It's in two days. I don't have much experience with weddings, and don't have anything to wear yet. I don't have much money, and don't have a suit of my own. Can you give me suggestions on what to wear so that I don't stick out like a sore thumb?

He's not a very close friend, but he's not just an acquaintance either. The wedding is in the afternoon with the reception in the evening. I'm not sure how formal it will be but the invitation didn't say anything about dress code.

I've been putting off thinking about what to wear because of anxiety about the event, which just increased the anxiety of course.

What can I wear so that I don't look underdressed? I don't think I have any clothing that I would choose to wear at a wedding. It's been a long time since I've worn a suit. I'm willing to rent a suit if I have to, and have enough to buy a cheap one. I don't care if I win the best-dressed award or not, I just want to look presentable and not be self-conscious about my appearance. Thank you.


SIDE QUESTION: I am thinking of just going to the reception. Some friends have told me that it's bad etiquette just to go to the reception. Others have told me that it's fine and that they've done it before. What do you think? I know little of etiquette in this situation. He's Christian if that means anything. I haven't seen this friend in years, but he's a good guy and I don't want to upset him.
posted by Thanquol180 to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (38 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I would wear my nicest pair of pants, nicest shoes, a button-down shirt, and a smile. You'll be fine.
posted by aniola at 12:39 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I assume this is in the US, but even within the US there are regional differences regarding etiquette. With that said, it's usually fine to skip the actual ceremony unless you are a close friend or family member. Unless their photographer/videographer is being *extremely* thorough documenting the crowd, they will never know you weren't there, and certainly won't notice your absence in the moment.

As for the dress - unless the invitation specifies otherwise, most modern weddings aren't looking for a super-formal look. Many guys can look good at a wedding wearing a suit or even just a good outfit consisting of pants and a blazer. Depending on your personal style you might be able to get away without a tie, but most men will wear one.

I've actually had great luck finding decent quality men's suit pieces at Target, if you have one near you. You won't have time to get anything tailored, but unlike traditional suit shops, they actually do sell each piece in every size instead of having a handful of sizes that will all be tailored down to your measurements before you can take it home. If that doesn't work, head to a Marshalls or TJ Maxx and find a blazer that matches some nice pants. Add shirt and tie to match.
posted by trivia genius at 12:39 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I agree that it's bad manners to skip the ceremony and just hit the reception, unless there's some sort of great reason (i.e. you're a surgeon and have to perform surgery that day). The reception is the celebration of what happened at the ceremony, why would you skip it?

What sort of clothes do you have? Do you have any sort of blazer or jacket? I would suggest wearing it if you have one. If not, just wear nice pants, nice button-down shirt, and nice shoes.

And have fun!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:40 PM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Do you have a sportcoat, decent pair of chinos, dress shirt and tie? For example, navy sportcoat, white or light blue shirt, appropriate tie, khaki pants and black lace up dress shoes? If not, do you have most of this ensemble? Can you buy the remaining missing piece? You may be a little bit underdressed, but not grossly so - and it will be clear that you see this as a formal event (especially if you're in a social circle where people don't wear suits all the time.)

You won't have time to get anything tailored now and you are unlikely to find a rental suit (tuxedo, do you mean?) that will fit well. Is this a wedding where the dress code requires a tuxedo/dinner jacket? If so, you'll have to resign yourself to being horribly underdressed, but you can take comfort in the idea that it's a bit vulgar to have an afternoon wedding at which people wear dinner jackets.
posted by Frowner at 12:40 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


First - aside from our immediate family and wedding party, I would not have been aware that anyone skipped the ceremony becasue not everyone went to through the receiving line. I would also have been okay with anyone doing that. I have been at some weddings where it was not possible to avoid the line, but those were very small. Any idea how big the guest list is? A bigger list makes it less likely your absence would be noticed.

For your outfit, black or khaki pants and a nice button down shirt. Iron and delint them both before you wear them. Anything you would wear to church or a job interview would be okay, even if it isn't a suit.
posted by soelo at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2015


If there's a reason you can't attend the ceremony -- like, you have a last-minute babysitter cancellation or something -- it's not rude to just go to the ceremony. But just attending the reception and not the ceremony just because is -- well, it's not horrible but it's also like dude, you are celebrating their wedding. Why wouldn't you go to their wedding?

It is perfectly acceptable to call a member of the bridal party or even the groom himself and get some feedback on dress code. If the invitation did not specify you have more leeway than you would if it specified black tie, black tie optional, etc. You probably don't have to buy anything, but if you do, you can definitely get away with a button-up shirt and slacks. You can also get a nicer quality shirt (and pants if you don't have them) then you would ever be able to get a suit for the money you're spending. (ie, spending $100 on shirt/pants is going to result in nicer clothing than spending $100 on a suit.)
posted by kate blank at 12:42 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Your nicest pair of pants (even khakis if that's all you've got, although dark colored pants are a better option) and a button down shirt. If you have it and if the weather permits, put on a tie with a V-neck over it. Do NOT wear jeans. Do NOT wear sneakers. Make sure your shoes are clean. Be well-groomed (go get a haircut if you've been needing one). Most importantly, wear your biggest smile.

If you still don't feel like your wardrobe measures up, you can get slacks or dark colored chinos for inexpensive prices at Sears, JCPenney, hell, even Old Navy or H&M.

Have fun, don't get too drunk. Really, your presence is what's most important. And go to the ceremony. Who cares if he's Christian and you aren't. It's an important day to him, and he asked you to be there to celebrate and as a show of support. That one hour of your life sitting in church won't kill you.
posted by vignettist at 12:45 PM on April 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'm curious about your rationale for attending only the reception, not the wedding. I don't think it's an absolute no-go, but it's an odd thing to do if they're on the same day and in the same city and you don't have some really pressing alternate engagement. Probably no one would notice, but it's kind of a weird thing to do.

As to what to wear, I agree that with a button-down shirt, nice trousers, and a tie you'll be fine. If you can get a jacket too, that's a bonus, but probably unnecessary. It's *possible* that you'll be underdressed, but very unlikely that you'll be so underdressed that people would notice or care.
posted by mskyle at 12:47 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


No need for a suit. Only groomsmen and males over 50 wear suits. Some weddings may be more formal and involve suits all around, this is true, but it's not an assumption - if they wanted suits they would have specified in the invitation.

So. You have a shirt with buttons? (ideally classy, not Hawaiian print) You have pants that aren't jeans? (ideally khakis, or grey/black/navy slacks). You're good enough. You don't sound like the kind of guy who'd want to wear a tie even if you had one, so this is me telling you that you don't have to. (but it would be classy if you felt like it). If you want to take it up a notch, find a blazer/sportcoat - something semi-casual, a slight texture to the fabric, not solid black or executive pinstripes but also not professorial tweed. You could wear this same ensemble to a business-casual job interview.
posted by aimedwander at 12:49 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Honestly, it's really going to depend on the bride and groom's tastes whether going without a suit will be ok. Traditional weddings are one of the few places where men are really still expected to wear a suit, but if you can be fairly confident that it's going to be more casual (like it's a beach wedding) then slacks and a button-down shirt will be fine. Do you have anyone nearby who's roughly your size that you could borrow one for the night?

Don't wear black unless you want people to think you're a waiter.
posted by backseatpilot at 12:53 PM on April 23, 2015


Just in terms of etiquette: do not skip either the ceremony or the reception. It's only 2 days away and you've already RSVP'd. (I mean, I'm assuming you did.) The bride and groom are expecting you at both, and have already paid for your place at the reception. Not attending is a dick move.

At my (formal) wedding one of my grainier friends wore khakis and a knitted poncho. Awesome. It was so great to see him! I cared much more about that than his outfit. Wear what you've got and move on.

What pants do you own that are not jeans? Do you have a long-sleeve shirt that buttons? Score. If you don't have either of those, you could acquire something decent at Target for not very much money. And ties are super easy to borrow if you have a friend who owns a tie.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:55 PM on April 23, 2015


Response by poster: You all have swayed me, I will attend the ceremony. Thank you.

I don't have a sportcoat. I've got khakis, a white shirt, a tie and dress shoes. That's about it I guess. I get the feeling I will be underdressed just wearing that. I have generalized + social anxiety, and I'm actually kind of panicking over the clothing issue :(

It's my fault for putting it off, though. Thanks for the advice so far.
posted by Thanquol180 at 12:57 PM on April 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


You've got khakis + white shirt + tie + dress shoes?!? GET OUT OF HERE. Why are you wasting our time, then? ;)

You've got this, 100%. Go and have a great time reconnecting with people you haven't seen in a while. (Plus I bet you a million bucks you won't even be the most casually dressed person there.) (Plus you will score, like, a million bonus points if you iron your clothes beforehand. But that's just a bonus option.)
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:58 PM on April 23, 2015 [14 favorites]


Yeah, that's totally fine, but if you are interested in upping your game, blazers and sportcoats are pretty easy to find at used clothing and thrift stores.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:01 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Khakis and a button-down will be fine—you'll probably see plenty of guys dressed like that.

Two years ago I was in a situation like this and someone suggested JC Penney, which turned out to have some perfectly nice suits for ~$100 all in. I bought two and I've worn them to several weddings since (including my own.) It's nice to have one around, especially if you, like me, are mostly just anxious about not sticking out in a bad way when someone does a sweep of the room.
posted by Polycarp at 1:01 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


At a minimum, a well-ironed dress shirt (i.e., with long sleeves, a collar, and buttons down the front), slacks or khakis in a solid color, and clean, well-polished, non-athletic shoes, ideally either black or brown. Your shirt should be tucked in to your pants, and your belt should be the same color as your shoes.

Do not wear a tie unless you're wearing a jacket. I would probably just go to Target or somewhere like that and see if you can find a sportcoat that fits you plausibly well and add that, but better to just go open-collared than a tie with no jacket.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 1:02 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would skip the white shirt and see if you can buy a colored one (check Express Men). I think a white shirt looks more casual without a jacket than a colored shirt does.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:11 PM on April 23, 2015


Oh, and no white athletic socks. If you do need to get socks for that reason, look for something in a color that's sort of close to the color of your pants, but even black dress socks with tan khakis will be a thousand times better than white socks.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 1:14 PM on April 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Do you have a good belt, too? That always makes guys look more put together.

If you can bring yourself to hit up a store and grab a sport jacket, you'd look ready for any non-tux-required event.
posted by TwoStride at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Your outfit sounds just fine especially for an afternoon wedding, so well done. As far as the etiquette of skipping either the wedding or the reception, it's okay it skip the reception (provided you did not RSVP you'd be there - which means your meal was paid for by the couple already) and just attend the ceremony, but not the other way around.
posted by cecic at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seconding trivia genius: there are regional differences regarding etiquette

Look up the reception venue online. There should be photographs of previous weddings. Scan the crowd for ideas for what is appropriate for the venue.
posted by slipthought at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2015


The last few weddings I've been to have featured guests in jeans (yes, including church weddings) so you will be fine in business casual.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:24 PM on April 23, 2015


Response by poster: Thank you. I have around $200 to spend and would like to buy something that I can wear again in the future. I worry excessively about things to the point of procrastination, which I'm in therapy for. Maybe I will look into a sport jacket tomorrow since it is my day off, and a colored shirt + maybe tie. My shoes aren't sneakers but aren't formal attire, which worries me since I don't have the money for good shoes. Any other suggestions are appreciated, thanks! This means a lot to me.

Edit: A friend who is more or less my size is going to let me borrow a pair of black slacks, so that is a step in the right direction I think. One less thing to worry about :)
posted by Thanquol180 at 1:27 PM on April 23, 2015


I have purchased over the course of my life a half dozen suit jackets at thrift stores for at most $20 each. You may not need it, but you can take it off at the reception after people are good and sauced. I think it is well worth the money. The reception may be less stiff and formal, but wearing just a shirt and tie at the ceremony will make you look like a teenager dragged there against your will.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:42 PM on April 23, 2015


When you look for the jacket, no matter where you go:

1. Remember to budget for tailoring unless it is included

2. Pay attention to fit in the shoulders and to overall length - if you go to a Men's Wearhouse, for example, don't let them talk you into something that doesn't fit in the shoulders/neck or that is dramatically too long in the body. Sleeve length and waist/width are basic tailoring; other stuff is either almost impossible (neck/shoulders) or expensive (shortening the body) due to the structure of the jacket, location of pockets, etc. A cheap jacket which fits in the neck and shoulders will look ten times better than a pricey jacket that fits badly. Here is a Put This On post about jacket fit. Here is an adequate article on obvious fit problems. Basically, a jacket should not pull weirdly across your chest/stomach; it should not be uncomfortably tight or get totally disarranged when you raise your arms. The collar should gently hug your shirt collar. Remember to look at the back view.

3. Consider what pants you have and what pants you would like, plus occasions where you'll be wearing the jacket. Make sure you pick a suitable color. If your wardrobe is cued to browns and sandy colors and a general autumnal palette, for example, make sure the jacket will work with those.

4. The fabric of an odd jacket is, ideally, a little bit textured - ie, it doesn't look like a suit that lost its bottom half. So a fall jacket might be tweed or corduroy; a year round jacket might be a textured wool; a summer jacket might be linen or seersucker. Also, consider cotton - if you expect this jacket to be most used for casual job interviews and less formal weddings. This is a classic-to-the-point-of-stodgy sportcoat look. Personally, I am a fan of medium/deep/navy blues for jackets because that easily goes year round and automatically suggests "I am not half of a suit".

My suggestion would be - don't buy in a rush. You're better off shopping tomorrow, not finding anything that's right and going to the wedding in a shirt and tie than spending your money in a hurry on something that isn't so great. Visit several stores, compare jackets - don't just buy the first one that seems okay. If you find something perfect but can't get it tailored by the wedding, that's all right, just go in the shirt/tie.

Your friends would never want you to bankrupt yourself or waste a large chunk of money just for an hour or two at their wedding. As long as you don't show up wildly less formally dressed than everyone else, it's fine. (Even if you notice that you are a bit underdressed. Someone will obviously always be the least-fancy person at any given event; it's okay if that's you as long as you're not showing up in actively disrespectful clothes.)

Put your money into the best jacket you can buy and make sure it fits. People look perfectly adequate in properly fitted suits from Men's Warehouse; other people look like absolute clowns in expensive yet unsuitable garments.
posted by Frowner at 1:45 PM on April 23, 2015


(Obviously if you have access to a couple of good thrift stores and you're a standard size, you might be able to score something suitable tomorrow that won't need tailoring - but don't beat yourself up if you can't.)
posted by Frowner at 1:46 PM on April 23, 2015


Is it an evening wedding or a daytime wedding? What kind of venue? What part of the country? Most weddings are not that formal these days, but the time and venue will help give some clues about what to wear. What are the shoes you have?

I still think the khakis, white shirt, tie, and shoes are probably fine. Do you have any girl you know (or dude who cares about clothes) who could help you trouble shoot? I think you're going to be fine.

May I make two polite reminders, which you may already know:
1) If they asked you to RSVP, be sure that you actually did. If you didn't, you may want to reach out and tell them you're planning on coming. If you didn't RSVP, and you didn't, they may not be expecting you, so let them know..

2) If you haven't already done this, you should probably also send a gift. You don't need do this this right now, but sooner than later you figure out something to send them - likely something small from their registry.

Have fun!
posted by vunder at 1:46 PM on April 23, 2015


Response by poster: I did RSVP, and was planning on giving a cash gift + card at the wedding. I'm hoping this is okay.

The groom is upper middle class (I'm nowhere close, but not sure the groom knows that). The reception is at a nice hotel, so my spidey-sense is telling me that most people will be well-dressed...

At the moment I have black pants and a tie. I'm still working on the shoes, shirt and jacket. I have very dark brown (almost black) hair + eyes, if this helps with the suggestions.
posted by Thanquol180 at 1:59 PM on April 23, 2015


Well--sure, buy a sport coat if you have the time and you think it would make you less anxious/uncomfortable. I 'd check Google for upscale thrift places near you for a good deal on a sport coat; I see nice jackets all the time in thrift and consignment stores. But honestly I think you'll be fine in the clothes you have. Your shoes should be fine as long as they don't have a big white swoosh on them.

Truthfully, I'd take your $200 and, after the wedding, put it toward finding a good deal on a high-quality dark gray/charcoal three-season wool suit that you get tailored to fit you really well. At some point in the future, you are going to be invited to another wedding, a funeral, the symphony, a SO's company holiday party, etc. etc., and if you have a classy all-purpose suit in your closet, you will never again be in this position, because you will always know what you are going to wear.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:59 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, your gift plans sound very nice. Consider mailing your gift though, cards + cash can sometimes go walkies at weddings unless someone's keeping good track of the gift table.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 2:01 PM on April 23, 2015


Response by poster: Last update for now - the weather will likely be in the 40's + rainy even though it's been sunny all week. I don't have any coats that I could wear that wouldn't look ridiculous, so maybe I need a jacket...
posted by Thanquol180 at 2:18 PM on April 23, 2015


Agree that you may prefer to mail the gift - someone stole all of the cash gifts at my brother's wedding from a perfectly nice winery wedding.

Good luck, you seem to be on the right track and I think you're going to end up just fine with or without a good jacket.
posted by vunder at 2:19 PM on April 23, 2015


There is a male version of rent the runway - theblacktux.com . You could check that out for suit rentals. RTR has saved me many a times with wedding attire so maybe you will have the same luck.

I would do the gift with a check and just put it in the little box thing they will have for cards. Then you don't have to worry about remembering to mail it .
posted by kmr at 2:53 PM on April 23, 2015


Here's what you do (believe me I've been there more than once):

1) Take *some* (*not* all) of your $200 and buy yourself a nice v-neck sweater vest or sweater. Buy it in a color and style that you like and will wear again. Having something new to wear will make you feel spiffier and more shiny and confident. V-neck so that people can see your tie and white shirt (both of which are perfectly fine). Make sure the sweater/vest does not clash with the tie.

2) Make sure everything is clean. Iron your shirt. Inspect your pants and rid them of spots.

3) Spend an hour or so on your shoes. Make sure they look their best. Have clean nice socks.

4) Don't worry about how your outerwear looks. If the weather's going to be like that, there will be a place to stash it both at the ceremony and the reception. Take it off when you arrive and don't forget it when you leave.

4) Make sure you are relaxed and confident. Shoulders back, chin up. Move with confidence. Practice this. Everyone looks better in whatever clothes they're wearing if they're relaxed.

5) Remember that people are there to celebrate/pay attention to the bride and groom, not you.
posted by trip and a half at 4:27 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Every man should have at least one dark suit for weddings, funerals, court appearances, etc. I got mine at Macys and it wasn't expensive. They can also provide a collared shirt, tie, and black shiny shoes, should you lack any of those. Fancy brands are not required. Substitute thrift store for Macys if you want to save money.
posted by w0mbat at 4:33 PM on April 23, 2015


As a woman, I've got this emerging theory that if you wear pearl earrings, it fixes everything. Like, I'm in sweatpants and a t-shirt, but I've got pearl earrings and if I've painted my nails, I've got my shit together in a way that I wouldn't otherwise. Wearing sneakers but pearl earrings confuses everyone, and that's a fun thing.

For guys, it's shoes and watches and a good shirt. None of it has to be pricey.

-black leather watch, white face, analog, timex or seiko. Simple as hell.
-one pair of nice shoes. Nice means leather, and if you've got a good pair of Docs, that's great, shine them or get them shined professionally.
-one starched and meticulous white shirt. you can get this for eighty dollars at Brooks Brothers. If you are wearing black pants what color depends on your coloring. Ask an opinion if you don't know.

If this is an ongoing source of anxiety for you, I think, seriously, pick and choose what's realistic for you. If you don't have a ton of money and you don't want to throw down $80 on a shirt, fuck it, pull your best shirt out of the closet and iron it and starch it and it will be great. Buy some shoe polish and shine the Docs. Maybe get a new pair of laces. Get a really good feeling pair of socks, not just your every day crap socks. Maybe get a haircut or something. Maybe get a tie.

It should not have to be a source of major anxiety and if it is, this friend is not so great. You shouldn't have to throw every single bit of your money at this in order to feel merely okay. We all have to negotiate this stuff and it's a balance between the energy you put in to feel like you look good and the energy that gets sucked out of you worrying about looking good.

It's very, very important to be aware of that balance.

It's really hard to advise you in this without knowing anything about the social area you're dealing with, but my feeling is you are far better off downplaying this than trying to hit some unattainable level of fancy pants. Shine shoes. Shave. Starch. Be clean. Take an opportunity to do the silly cheap dumb things that make people feel a little bit better; do a little teeth whitening thing if that makes you feel good-- that sort of thing. It's not the money, it's the feeling of fitting into your own skin.

But the most important thing by leaps and bounds is feel good about yourself; don't try too hard for them, try just enough for yourself and aim to enjoy the evening.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:35 PM on April 23, 2015


If you're a normal size, there's usually tons of sport jackets at Goodwill that look decent enough without being tailored.
posted by klangklangston at 11:01 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


If the invitation does not list a dress code, I would not worry about it being super formal. I think people who are extra concerned about what people are wearing will be very specific. (For example -- I once received a wedding invitation listing specific COLORS for the guests to wear. Crazy people!) If you still have a copy of the invitation, you could double check to see if they have a wedding website -- this is where we listed the "dress code" for our wedding (in our case, casual).

In any case, the pieces you have now sound perfectly fine to me! The only place I think they would be super out of place would be at a black tie event, but if the bride/groom wanted this to be a black tie event, they really, really would have specified this somewhere rather than just assuming people would know!
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:03 AM on April 24, 2015


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