I am suffering from a stupid, stupid work crush
April 22, 2015 4:22 PM Subscribe
There's a guy at work. I wrote about him in one of my previous questions. He is extremely handsome, extremely well-dressed, very professional and work-savvy, very smooth and seems like a genuinely kind guy. He's also incredibly closed off and hard to read and is generally unapproachable most of the time. He's unpredictable in a lot of ways. I know he's flirty, he's extremely charming, very confident...all these things. We all are 20 somethings working in a stressful, fast-paced, pressure-fueled sales environment where we often spend a ton of time in the same vicinity. We are also NOT allowed to date each other.
I have a stupid, stupid crush on him - mostly stupid because I actually built the crush into what it was. I used to go home and honestly fantasize about him and being with him (often whilst stoned) and replay all of our moments over and over in my mind. We had "moments" - mostly laughable ones, where we made extended eye contact or he said something sexy or we went out and had a sexy moment or he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work. I think. I don't know. Then he gets very cold and ignores me for weeks. Then it happens all over again.
It's not like I've made any real effort to get to know him. I just objectified, lusted after him. But once he asked me to join him to go to a networking event. I got so nervous I said no. Then, after agonizing for days, I asked him to lunch, and he said yes. We had a quick awkward lunch where he was ready to order as soon as the waitress said hello and paid the bill as soon as she came over the 2nd time. The point is, there's nothing there. I don't know him that well. He's amazingly well-perceived and anyone I know talks about how gorgeous and smart and well put together he is. He doesn't open up to anyone enough for people to know any more. It's amazing. I wish I were like that.
The point is I know the remedy is to focus on me. I put him on this giant pedestal - he is so extremely clean and organized and smart and well-perceived and here I am stressed out, a bit traumatized, extremely messy and disorganized, suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, feel insecure and anxious... I mean, we're just so different. I'm struggling hard and he's succeeding. It's amazing.
As I said though, I am focusing on me - working out to be healthier and look hotter, going to therapy to sort out my issues, making friends outside of work, overall becoming more confident and less anxious. I'm still working at like 20% of my capacity and I know I can put myself, one day, on the level he is - he's 27 right now and I have 4 years to get to where he is! But at this point I'm having a hard time not checking him out, not being sad if he flirts with another girl, not feeling overwhelmed with attraction and anxiety. I just want to get over him and get to be as smooth and sexy as I can be (inside and out) so I can flirt and date great dudes and not obsess over the one guy I can't have and that'll never open up or be available to me.
How do you get over an inappropriate, DEEPLY HELD crush when you're also feeling overwhelmed with some level of deep insecurity? I would never do anything to "get him" to be with me, and honestly logically fully know nothing will ever happen. But just saying that makes me a bit sad, ya know?
Anecdotes would be great here.
I have a stupid, stupid crush on him - mostly stupid because I actually built the crush into what it was. I used to go home and honestly fantasize about him and being with him (often whilst stoned) and replay all of our moments over and over in my mind. We had "moments" - mostly laughable ones, where we made extended eye contact or he said something sexy or we went out and had a sexy moment or he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work. I think. I don't know. Then he gets very cold and ignores me for weeks. Then it happens all over again.
It's not like I've made any real effort to get to know him. I just objectified, lusted after him. But once he asked me to join him to go to a networking event. I got so nervous I said no. Then, after agonizing for days, I asked him to lunch, and he said yes. We had a quick awkward lunch where he was ready to order as soon as the waitress said hello and paid the bill as soon as she came over the 2nd time. The point is, there's nothing there. I don't know him that well. He's amazingly well-perceived and anyone I know talks about how gorgeous and smart and well put together he is. He doesn't open up to anyone enough for people to know any more. It's amazing. I wish I were like that.
The point is I know the remedy is to focus on me. I put him on this giant pedestal - he is so extremely clean and organized and smart and well-perceived and here I am stressed out, a bit traumatized, extremely messy and disorganized, suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, feel insecure and anxious... I mean, we're just so different. I'm struggling hard and he's succeeding. It's amazing.
As I said though, I am focusing on me - working out to be healthier and look hotter, going to therapy to sort out my issues, making friends outside of work, overall becoming more confident and less anxious. I'm still working at like 20% of my capacity and I know I can put myself, one day, on the level he is - he's 27 right now and I have 4 years to get to where he is! But at this point I'm having a hard time not checking him out, not being sad if he flirts with another girl, not feeling overwhelmed with attraction and anxiety. I just want to get over him and get to be as smooth and sexy as I can be (inside and out) so I can flirt and date great dudes and not obsess over the one guy I can't have and that'll never open up or be available to me.
How do you get over an inappropriate, DEEPLY HELD crush when you're also feeling overwhelmed with some level of deep insecurity? I would never do anything to "get him" to be with me, and honestly logically fully know nothing will ever happen. But just saying that makes me a bit sad, ya know?
Anecdotes would be great here.
It sounds to me like that sleek perfection is hiding something that might be a little awkward. He seems like he's going to a great deal of effort to project a specific image, and that image is never the complete truth and is often covering up something that the person in question finds shameful. You *could* make up a creative and unappealing story about what the rest of the truth might be - maybe he goes home where he removes his girdle and toupee, feeds his pet iguana and then eats peanut butter sandwiches in a dark apartment while playing Mario and singing along to Britney Spears (with his mouth full).
You absolutely do not need to aspire to be like him - because you can't turn your insides into someone else's outsides. You can chose to work harder, work out, etc., and that's great - but at the end of the day you'll still be you, and being you is a good thing.
We've all been there, with the awkward work crushes. Accept your crush - when you have the awkward feelings tell yourself "oh yes, there's that silly crush again, it's okay" and focus on something else - in fact, select something else to focus on when you have the crush feelings and have it ready to go.
One last thing - someone once told me that that anxious feeling you get over some crushes is a bad sign. They were right. I've sometimes wound up going out with those guys I believed were perfect and that I needed to prove I was good enough for. It was exhausting and generally not sweet and fun and intimate. So maybe try dating some guys who are a little less mysterious and a little more frank, messy, and willing to be vulnerable.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 4:44 PM on April 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
You absolutely do not need to aspire to be like him - because you can't turn your insides into someone else's outsides. You can chose to work harder, work out, etc., and that's great - but at the end of the day you'll still be you, and being you is a good thing.
We've all been there, with the awkward work crushes. Accept your crush - when you have the awkward feelings tell yourself "oh yes, there's that silly crush again, it's okay" and focus on something else - in fact, select something else to focus on when you have the crush feelings and have it ready to go.
One last thing - someone once told me that that anxious feeling you get over some crushes is a bad sign. They were right. I've sometimes wound up going out with those guys I believed were perfect and that I needed to prove I was good enough for. It was exhausting and generally not sweet and fun and intimate. So maybe try dating some guys who are a little less mysterious and a little more frank, messy, and willing to be vulnerable.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 4:44 PM on April 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
Pick something, ANYTHING, to care about instead of him. If you don't knit, start. Get into nail art. Get a farm game you can sneak rounds in on your phone. When your brain starts trying to use him for its endorphin fix, do the other thing instead.
Also, imagine him performing some sort of really gross bodily function. Pick whichever one you dislike the most. Do it every time he comes up in your head.
And stop calling it amazing. You said that repeatedly. The way you're objectifying him is gross, the effect it's having on you is terrible, and also he's a person who takes shits and picks his nose. Don't forget that.
If you want to be like him, that's fine, but you need to imagine YOU being secretive and attractive and organized, rather than objectifying him for it or trying to be him.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:44 PM on April 22, 2015 [19 favorites]
Also, imagine him performing some sort of really gross bodily function. Pick whichever one you dislike the most. Do it every time he comes up in your head.
And stop calling it amazing. You said that repeatedly. The way you're objectifying him is gross, the effect it's having on you is terrible, and also he's a person who takes shits and picks his nose. Don't forget that.
If you want to be like him, that's fine, but you need to imagine YOU being secretive and attractive and organized, rather than objectifying him for it or trying to be him.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:44 PM on April 22, 2015 [19 favorites]
I don't see this as insecurity. I see a lot of smoke and mirrors but what you've described isn't crushing; what you're describing is obsessive behavior, and I think you need competent help for it and possibly medication.
Exercise, eating right, dating other people, all of those things will help keep you healthy to some extent, but you need to work on this obsessive thinking, because THAT'S what's really unhealthy. You've got a relative stranger built up into this huge narrative in your mind. Think of it in reverse: if you knew that a co-worker was thinking about YOU this much, you'd be creeped out, right?
The thought patterns you've described are creepy. You really need to work with someone about this. I think with strong therapeutic support you'll be able to step back and get a handle on your thought patterns.
posted by kinetic at 4:48 PM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Exercise, eating right, dating other people, all of those things will help keep you healthy to some extent, but you need to work on this obsessive thinking, because THAT'S what's really unhealthy. You've got a relative stranger built up into this huge narrative in your mind. Think of it in reverse: if you knew that a co-worker was thinking about YOU this much, you'd be creeped out, right?
The thought patterns you've described are creepy. You really need to work with someone about this. I think with strong therapeutic support you'll be able to step back and get a handle on your thought patterns.
posted by kinetic at 4:48 PM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I recognize your username from previous questions. These feelings of overwhelming anxiety, self-doubt, recurring and/or obsessive thoughts, and impulsive behaviors are repeating themselves again and again in your life.
Have you talked to your GP about these repeating patterns? Have you discussed a referral to a psychiatric doctor for possible help?
Have you booked an appointment with a therapist? Your questions are screaming that you're unhappy, full of anxiety and living second-to-second.
You don't have to live like this. It's not going to get better with our anecdotes alone.
I've found the therapist selector from Psychology Today is actually fairly useful as a starting point. You can filter by location and see what they write. Email a few that you think you might like, and schedule a phone or first appointment to chat with them.
Or ask friends. There's no shame in wanting a better life for yourself - it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Do you really want to live like this for another 5, 10 or 15 years before you can't take it anymore?
I wish you the best, and I wish you strength as you summon the courage to turn things around. You can do it!
posted by barnone at 5:10 PM on April 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Have you talked to your GP about these repeating patterns? Have you discussed a referral to a psychiatric doctor for possible help?
Have you booked an appointment with a therapist? Your questions are screaming that you're unhappy, full of anxiety and living second-to-second.
You don't have to live like this. It's not going to get better with our anecdotes alone.
I've found the therapist selector from Psychology Today is actually fairly useful as a starting point. You can filter by location and see what they write. Email a few that you think you might like, and schedule a phone or first appointment to chat with them.
Or ask friends. There's no shame in wanting a better life for yourself - it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Do you really want to live like this for another 5, 10 or 15 years before you can't take it anymore?
I wish you the best, and I wish you strength as you summon the courage to turn things around. You can do it!
posted by barnone at 5:10 PM on April 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Yes to getting more help. Secret crushes can be fun, but not to the extent you describe here.
We had "moments" - mostly laughable ones, where we made extended eye contact or he said something sexy or we went out and had a sexy moment or he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work. I think. I don't know. Then he gets very cold and ignores me for weeks. Then it happens all over again.
I have known a dozen guys who could fit this description. If it's any consolation, they tend to make shitty boyfriends.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:23 PM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
We had "moments" - mostly laughable ones, where we made extended eye contact or he said something sexy or we went out and had a sexy moment or he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work. I think. I don't know. Then he gets very cold and ignores me for weeks. Then it happens all over again.
I have known a dozen guys who could fit this description. If it's any consolation, they tend to make shitty boyfriends.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:23 PM on April 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Okay, I am going to tell you a story, but you have to promise that you won't tell anyone else.
One day when I was young and working an office, this tall and handsome guy used to come up to me. He had hair like the gods, and a blue suede vest with fringe. He looked like a rock god.
We would trade quips, and then, one day, he said, "have you ever heard of U2?"
And I hadn't. Although I thought myself music savvy, I was basically a working single mother, and my record play was like, WHAM or something. This U2 was something cool, and this guy wearing the blue suede jacket with fringe, and his long hair mullet, that was even cooler! He was so cool! And he liked me!
Then, one day, my roommate had a party. So much booze and tequila. I thought, how great it would be to go say hi to this guy!
So I took a train to Chicago and I showed up at his door and said, "Hi! Here I am!" And he said, "what are you doing here? You need to go back home." and shut the door in my face.
Then I had to find my way back home. And that was when I realized that some guys are not all that. They may act all that. And you may idealize them, but they will not live up to your ideals. A jacket does not make a man.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:28 PM on April 22, 2015 [19 favorites]
One day when I was young and working an office, this tall and handsome guy used to come up to me. He had hair like the gods, and a blue suede vest with fringe. He looked like a rock god.
We would trade quips, and then, one day, he said, "have you ever heard of U2?"
And I hadn't. Although I thought myself music savvy, I was basically a working single mother, and my record play was like, WHAM or something. This U2 was something cool, and this guy wearing the blue suede jacket with fringe, and his long hair mullet, that was even cooler! He was so cool! And he liked me!
Then, one day, my roommate had a party. So much booze and tequila. I thought, how great it would be to go say hi to this guy!
So I took a train to Chicago and I showed up at his door and said, "Hi! Here I am!" And he said, "what are you doing here? You need to go back home." and shut the door in my face.
Then I had to find my way back home. And that was when I realized that some guys are not all that. They may act all that. And you may idealize them, but they will not live up to your ideals. A jacket does not make a man.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:28 PM on April 22, 2015 [19 favorites]
"generally unapproachable most of the time"
"We are also NOT allowed to date each other."
And there you have it. He's not approachable because of office rules. No matter how much you adore him, he's not going to do anything if you work together, even if he's equally wild about you.
If you want to find another job and ask him out, well, stranger things have happened. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but YMMV.
Otherwise, find a way to distract yourself, keep out of his way, don't exchange meaningful glances, don't touch or be touched, and etc..
posted by Ideefixe at 5:29 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
"We are also NOT allowed to date each other."
And there you have it. He's not approachable because of office rules. No matter how much you adore him, he's not going to do anything if you work together, even if he's equally wild about you.
If you want to find another job and ask him out, well, stranger things have happened. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but YMMV.
Otherwise, find a way to distract yourself, keep out of his way, don't exchange meaningful glances, don't touch or be touched, and etc..
posted by Ideefixe at 5:29 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
>It sounds to me like that sleek perfection is hiding something that might be a little awkward.
I am getting the same vibe. Mostly because the guy the OP describes sounds like the spitting image of someone I used to work with who never seemed to be dating anyone seriously but was very flirtatious with girls. Over the years it became increasingly obvious that he was gay and hiding it because of his extremely conservative family.
posted by Dragonness at 5:32 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am getting the same vibe. Mostly because the guy the OP describes sounds like the spitting image of someone I used to work with who never seemed to be dating anyone seriously but was very flirtatious with girls. Over the years it became increasingly obvious that he was gay and hiding it because of his extremely conservative family.
posted by Dragonness at 5:32 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Quick points
- Going to therapy bi-weekly. Can't afford more often. It's helpful but I have so many issues, can only deal with so much in an hour.
- I'm sorry if I'm creeping anyone out here. I've quit smoking pot (it makes me fantasize and obsess) and I don't think about him after work or replay things anymore. I am making conscious effort to not think about him at all after work and concentrate on myself
- Willing to accept that he has some awkward tendencies (his ability to stare at his computer and work for long, long hours without breaking or looking at anyone else...for hours is a bit strange, also his complete change of demeanor at work vs. outside of work is something I have never seen before), but he's mostly really close to perfect. Knows all the right things to say all the time. I've never met anyone like him.
- Hey, the taking a train over to his place is not something I'd ever do FYI. I have gotten drunk and tried to dance with him once. But other than that, I stay away from him at work, don't look at him, don't talk to him, make convos between us short 'cuz I feel awkward anyway and in general, don't try/do things to get his attention. My point is I don't think he feels creeped out by my actions, but I guess if he knew I was writing this he would.
I do not want to objectify him anymore, and I don't consciously, but now I still have remnants of this awful crush and anxiety in general around him. I just want to get over it quickly.
posted by rhythm_queen at 5:50 PM on April 22, 2015
- Going to therapy bi-weekly. Can't afford more often. It's helpful but I have so many issues, can only deal with so much in an hour.
- I'm sorry if I'm creeping anyone out here. I've quit smoking pot (it makes me fantasize and obsess) and I don't think about him after work or replay things anymore. I am making conscious effort to not think about him at all after work and concentrate on myself
- Willing to accept that he has some awkward tendencies (his ability to stare at his computer and work for long, long hours without breaking or looking at anyone else...for hours is a bit strange, also his complete change of demeanor at work vs. outside of work is something I have never seen before), but he's mostly really close to perfect. Knows all the right things to say all the time. I've never met anyone like him.
- Hey, the taking a train over to his place is not something I'd ever do FYI. I have gotten drunk and tried to dance with him once. But other than that, I stay away from him at work, don't look at him, don't talk to him, make convos between us short 'cuz I feel awkward anyway and in general, don't try/do things to get his attention. My point is I don't think he feels creeped out by my actions, but I guess if he knew I was writing this he would.
I do not want to objectify him anymore, and I don't consciously, but now I still have remnants of this awful crush and anxiety in general around him. I just want to get over it quickly.
posted by rhythm_queen at 5:50 PM on April 22, 2015
You are doing great! Just keep doing what you are doing and it will get better and better.
You might think of these thoughts as little gremlins that are trying to make you unhappy. Every time you notice yourself obsessing, say "Oh, those gremlins are trying to get me again" and then just go on doing whatever you were doing before. There is a great book that goes into this approach in a really easy-to-read, low key way called "Taming Your Gremlin" by Rick Carson.
What I liked best about the book is that Carson takes the same no-stress approach to reading his book that he wants you to take about your gremlins. Most self-help books make you feel like you have to work hard to learn it all. Carson says how ever you want to read this book is OK, he repeats the important stuff so don't worry about trying to learn or remember, and its OK to put it down and pick it up later. Anyway, its the most calming self-help book i ever read.
posted by metahawk at 6:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
You might think of these thoughts as little gremlins that are trying to make you unhappy. Every time you notice yourself obsessing, say "Oh, those gremlins are trying to get me again" and then just go on doing whatever you were doing before. There is a great book that goes into this approach in a really easy-to-read, low key way called "Taming Your Gremlin" by Rick Carson.
What I liked best about the book is that Carson takes the same no-stress approach to reading his book that he wants you to take about your gremlins. Most self-help books make you feel like you have to work hard to learn it all. Carson says how ever you want to read this book is OK, he repeats the important stuff so don't worry about trying to learn or remember, and its OK to put it down and pick it up later. Anyway, its the most calming self-help book i ever read.
posted by metahawk at 6:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
I remember you from your previous question where you said you made an ass out of yourself trying to dance with this guy when you were drunk. I think my advice back then is to try to see him as any other guy and let go of the idea of you two being together. That's really still my advice. At work, you need to try to focus on work and you should probably avoid him a bit; keep your relationship strictly work -- cordial, but with only as much interaction as your job absolutely requires.
When you have the compulsory urge to walk over to him and ask if he has a pen you can borrow because you've convinced yourself you need to borrow a pen, but in actuality you just want to talk to him, don't do it. Ask someone else for a pen. When you see him talking to another woman and you want to eavesdrop or interrupt, don't. Put your headphones on and do work, or go somewhere else or go to the bathroom or something. You don't just get over someone with one big push, but you can choose at little points throughout your day to stop letting his existence control you and ween yourself off this pattern of behavior.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a little young. Like, it sounds like the kind of crush I'd have in high school where I would just be so consumed by it that I couldn't think of anything else. Unfortunately, I don't think you're in high school -- you gotta handle your business and take care of yourself and be an adult. That means making the small constant effort to keep yourself in check, because one big sweeping magic fix isn't gonna happen.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
When you have the compulsory urge to walk over to him and ask if he has a pen you can borrow because you've convinced yourself you need to borrow a pen, but in actuality you just want to talk to him, don't do it. Ask someone else for a pen. When you see him talking to another woman and you want to eavesdrop or interrupt, don't. Put your headphones on and do work, or go somewhere else or go to the bathroom or something. You don't just get over someone with one big push, but you can choose at little points throughout your day to stop letting his existence control you and ween yourself off this pattern of behavior.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a little young. Like, it sounds like the kind of crush I'd have in high school where I would just be so consumed by it that I couldn't think of anything else. Unfortunately, I don't think you're in high school -- you gotta handle your business and take care of yourself and be an adult. That means making the small constant effort to keep yourself in check, because one big sweeping magic fix isn't gonna happen.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
And I'll add, it's great that you are recognizing where you want to make changes and you're doing stuff like going to therapy, making friends outside work, working out, etc. I think all those things are really excellent and you're channeling this crush in a good motivating way outside of your job. My comment above just pertains to how you need to deal with this at your job, in my humble non-expert opinion. At work, you gotta keep this shit at bay and still do you, ya know? Outside of work, there's no doubt that a one-sided, stupid crush can provide good motivation for self-improvement, so I think it's good you're doing that too. Didn't want to minimize that aspect of it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:24 PM on April 22, 2015
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:24 PM on April 22, 2015
Response by poster: Last comment, I swear:
I do *not* go over to him or talk to him at all. I don't say a word to him and keep my eyes to myself. If he flirts with other women, I get myself away from the area because otherwise I'll get upset and/or distracted. In fact, if he talks to me I get so nervous and awkward so I just move away. When I avoid conversations, I find he will do more to be around me and be seen by me. I would never interrupt a conversation he was in or in any way try to get attention from him like that... it's not my style and honestly, he WOULD respond (like, respond to a question politely or something, like he would to anyone) but I don't like to be a try-hard...I guess I just like to be a silent creep.
And yes, I am "young" and underdeveloped in many ways. Never had a relationship. Argh. Stupid crushes.
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:34 PM on April 22, 2015
I do *not* go over to him or talk to him at all. I don't say a word to him and keep my eyes to myself. If he flirts with other women, I get myself away from the area because otherwise I'll get upset and/or distracted. In fact, if he talks to me I get so nervous and awkward so I just move away. When I avoid conversations, I find he will do more to be around me and be seen by me. I would never interrupt a conversation he was in or in any way try to get attention from him like that... it's not my style and honestly, he WOULD respond (like, respond to a question politely or something, like he would to anyone) but I don't like to be a try-hard...I guess I just like to be a silent creep.
And yes, I am "young" and underdeveloped in many ways. Never had a relationship. Argh. Stupid crushes.
posted by rhythm_queen at 6:34 PM on April 22, 2015
Best answer: I'm sorry, I was trying to get you to go, oh this is not good. I did not mean to negate your experience. I was only trying to share my own. That if a guy at work flirts, it does not mean he wants a relationship.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:43 PM on April 22, 2015
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:43 PM on April 22, 2015
Best answer: Sometimes, the more you try to repress something, the more it gets under your skin. One thing I learned to do with truly obsessive thoughts was to play with their intensity, in my head. So this guy is good looking? Make him the most handsome guy EVER in your head. Like, romance novel cover swoon-worthy. Picture him riding up to you on a speckled pony with the wind flowing through his hair and his shirt unbuttoned just so. Now picture him with flowers and candy and tickets to your favorite musical act and a glass carriage to take you away...
Ridiculous? Good! That's the point. You have a crush, but you don't have to be the one who's ruled by your thoughts...they're in your brain after all. The bigger you make this deliberately, the less power it will have over you accidentally.
posted by xingcat at 6:58 PM on April 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
Ridiculous? Good! That's the point. You have a crush, but you don't have to be the one who's ruled by your thoughts...they're in your brain after all. The bigger you make this deliberately, the less power it will have over you accidentally.
posted by xingcat at 6:58 PM on April 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Besides all of the wondeful things you are doing already, pick an annoying or flawed aspect of his personality and magnify it. Think about that flaw, and how it will cause a horrible annoying end to any relationship you'd have. That ability to focus for hours? Good luck getting him to walk away from the computer and help you deal with the monstrous amount of puke two kids with the flu can produce.
Make his attractive qualities a flaw. You will always be late because he as to be perfectly groomed, grandma's funeral can wait for him! And once you're a couple you'll be expected to perfectly coordinated with him as well. Of course he would never say anything about that dress that looks great on you but isn't his style, but you know what he really means when he says you look nice. You wish he'd just say what he means.
Yes, it's silly. He could be a fine person. But you've put him on a pedestal without really knowing him, so he'll be nothing but a disappointment. You say he's practically perfect...and he may be... At work...where he's in sales. It's his job to have the façade, so it's not your fault that its what you see. You're young, so you don't have the innnate experience to see what's going on behind the scene. You just have to remind yourself what's behind the façade. An uninteresting robot designed to do nothing but chew with his mouth open while voting for whatever politician you find most abhorrent. And kicking puppies.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:00 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Make his attractive qualities a flaw. You will always be late because he as to be perfectly groomed, grandma's funeral can wait for him! And once you're a couple you'll be expected to perfectly coordinated with him as well. Of course he would never say anything about that dress that looks great on you but isn't his style, but you know what he really means when he says you look nice. You wish he'd just say what he means.
Yes, it's silly. He could be a fine person. But you've put him on a pedestal without really knowing him, so he'll be nothing but a disappointment. You say he's practically perfect...and he may be... At work...where he's in sales. It's his job to have the façade, so it's not your fault that its what you see. You're young, so you don't have the innnate experience to see what's going on behind the scene. You just have to remind yourself what's behind the façade. An uninteresting robot designed to do nothing but chew with his mouth open while voting for whatever politician you find most abhorrent. And kicking puppies.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:00 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Start an OKcupid profile. Go on dates. Have a relationship. Live your life. As long as you don't have a real slternAtive to your "relationship" with this guy, you're going to continue obsessing over him. Get something, anything else going. OKcupid is easy.
posted by Slinga at 7:16 PM on April 22, 2015
posted by Slinga at 7:16 PM on April 22, 2015
Best answer: Just my two cents: I don't think you're being creepy or objectifying. I mean, sure, it sounds weird when it's all written out in a big block of text, but the human brain moves at a gazillion thoughts per second, y'know? It doesn't sound like you've been obvious about your crush in a way that made him or your coworkers uncomfortable, which is the important part.
Thing is, it sounds to me like you don't even really enjoy being around him. He's got this aura of success, but if that aura didn't work so powerfully on you -- for example, if you were also incredibly put-together and well-groomed and found it really easy to be casually flirtatious, so you weren't impressed at all by his having those qualities -- would you actually enjoy hanging out with him, as a person? Sounds like maybe the answer is no. And even setting that aside, the way things indisputably are now is that being around him makes you objectively uncomfortable and unhappy. When you see him coming, repeat to yourself, "He comes across as really great, but I don't actually enjoy being around him." It cuts through the haze amazingly.
Beyond that, the only cures for this are time, distance and distraction. Time and distance: Remind yourself that every little hit of his attention you allow yourself will just extend this painful process. Is there anything you can do to be around him less?
Distraction: "Charm" and "smoothness" are impossible to measure because they're impressions, not actual qualities, and to be honest you'll probably never feel like you've gained them (no matter how well you might actually be coming off to other people!) as long as you feel "insecure and anxious." Keep going to therapy about that! Meanwhile, set yourself a small goal that will be difficult but has a clear path to achievement and is inarguable once you've achieved it, and then go out and achieve it. Give yourself something to be proud of. If you're working out already, that would be good for this -- talk to a trainer at your gym about what might be a reasonable goal for you (something numeric, like lifting X pounds, not something appearance-based!), make a plan, and follow the plan. Watch yourself getting stronger! And when you succeed, use the confidence it gives you to go do the same thing in another area of your life.
posted by ostro at 7:25 PM on April 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
Thing is, it sounds to me like you don't even really enjoy being around him. He's got this aura of success, but if that aura didn't work so powerfully on you -- for example, if you were also incredibly put-together and well-groomed and found it really easy to be casually flirtatious, so you weren't impressed at all by his having those qualities -- would you actually enjoy hanging out with him, as a person? Sounds like maybe the answer is no. And even setting that aside, the way things indisputably are now is that being around him makes you objectively uncomfortable and unhappy. When you see him coming, repeat to yourself, "He comes across as really great, but I don't actually enjoy being around him." It cuts through the haze amazingly.
Beyond that, the only cures for this are time, distance and distraction. Time and distance: Remind yourself that every little hit of his attention you allow yourself will just extend this painful process. Is there anything you can do to be around him less?
Distraction: "Charm" and "smoothness" are impossible to measure because they're impressions, not actual qualities, and to be honest you'll probably never feel like you've gained them (no matter how well you might actually be coming off to other people!) as long as you feel "insecure and anxious." Keep going to therapy about that! Meanwhile, set yourself a small goal that will be difficult but has a clear path to achievement and is inarguable once you've achieved it, and then go out and achieve it. Give yourself something to be proud of. If you're working out already, that would be good for this -- talk to a trainer at your gym about what might be a reasonable goal for you (something numeric, like lifting X pounds, not something appearance-based!), make a plan, and follow the plan. Watch yourself getting stronger! And when you succeed, use the confidence it gives you to go do the same thing in another area of your life.
posted by ostro at 7:25 PM on April 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
From your description of the situation and your follow-up comments, it sounds like you're taking good care of yourself, behaving appropriately at work, and cultivating a high degree of self-awareness about this whole situation. As much as you'd like to just be over this guy, I have to say, you're holding up phenomenally--I've met people with 20 years on you who wouldn't be this mature about dealing with an impossible work crush.
Depending on how much free time you have, I think spending more time with your non-work friends would be really helpful, in terms of both not thinking about him and meeting future potential crushes, via friends of friends. Otherwise, just keep taking care of yourself the way you've been, find a hobby you like and are good at and go do it a bunch, and don't beat yourself up over not being able to suppress your infatuation. Generally, these things go away in their own time and can't really be forced into submission.
I know this situation is really stressful, but you're doing everything right and you're going to get through this.
posted by Owlcat at 7:26 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Depending on how much free time you have, I think spending more time with your non-work friends would be really helpful, in terms of both not thinking about him and meeting future potential crushes, via friends of friends. Otherwise, just keep taking care of yourself the way you've been, find a hobby you like and are good at and go do it a bunch, and don't beat yourself up over not being able to suppress your infatuation. Generally, these things go away in their own time and can't really be forced into submission.
I know this situation is really stressful, but you're doing everything right and you're going to get through this.
posted by Owlcat at 7:26 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: >we went out and had a sexy moment or he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work.
His behavior is inappropriate and is the behavior of an entitled man-boy used to playing with people around them for his own short-term ego strokes. Please, please, please reframe his behavior this way, for the sake of getting over this crush and for the sake of recognizing healthy people to be attracted to.
>handsome, extremely well-dressed, very professional, work-savvy, very smooth... incredibly closed off, hard to read, generally unapproachable, unpredictable in a lot of ways...flirty, extremely charming, very confident
Run from this mix.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:29 PM on April 22, 2015 [24 favorites]
His behavior is inappropriate and is the behavior of an entitled man-boy used to playing with people around them for his own short-term ego strokes. Please, please, please reframe his behavior this way, for the sake of getting over this crush and for the sake of recognizing healthy people to be attracted to.
>handsome, extremely well-dressed, very professional, work-savvy, very smooth... incredibly closed off, hard to read, generally unapproachable, unpredictable in a lot of ways...flirty, extremely charming, very confident
Run from this mix.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:29 PM on April 22, 2015 [24 favorites]
The things about crushes, or most inappropriate behaviors is that they were perfectly normal adaptations to living in small tribes. It's living in a 'civilized' world that's driving you crazy, having to repress perfectly normal drives in order to fit into a fairly regimented work environment. That's not a comment in favor of acting them out, simply that a lot of our difficulties stem from having to repress flight/flight/lust/self-expression in various ways to avoid censure. The repression can cause other problems having to do with stress and mental compulsions or emotional turmoil.
So, really, what can you do? You can pour your energy into methods that build your own power and groundedness, like exercise, watching your inner dialogue, meditation, or other healing regimens so you build resilience and self-control. Over time, you become that person who has reserves of strength and wellness.
Your crush is someone who sounds like they are controlling their stressors by building their magnetic attraction aspects and also by being totally emotionally unavailable except on their terms. They are manipulating you in other words by occasionally giving you a taste of extreme attention, then totally withdrawing it.
I'd say you can't do much about your crush except acknowledge it's there, it will pass and it's just a thought like any other thought. Fill your own wellsprings and when you are strong enough in your own foundations, you will find it relatively easy to deal with people who operate like this. if not easy, then at least you will recuperate faster from the experience.
posted by diode at 7:48 PM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, really, what can you do? You can pour your energy into methods that build your own power and groundedness, like exercise, watching your inner dialogue, meditation, or other healing regimens so you build resilience and self-control. Over time, you become that person who has reserves of strength and wellness.
Your crush is someone who sounds like they are controlling their stressors by building their magnetic attraction aspects and also by being totally emotionally unavailable except on their terms. They are manipulating you in other words by occasionally giving you a taste of extreme attention, then totally withdrawing it.
I'd say you can't do much about your crush except acknowledge it's there, it will pass and it's just a thought like any other thought. Fill your own wellsprings and when you are strong enough in your own foundations, you will find it relatively easy to deal with people who operate like this. if not easy, then at least you will recuperate faster from the experience.
posted by diode at 7:48 PM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh ha. I think it's awesome that you want to be like him. When I think back to my most hopeless, yearning crushes, they were all like that --- I didn't want to really date the person, I wanted to be them. Women are trained to outsource certain types of attributes --ambition, confidence, self-interest -- to a male partner, rather than owning and embodying them ourselves. I say, own it! Think about what aspects of him you really do admire, and cultivate them in yourself.
The best advice I ever got about ridiculous infatuations was from a Doris Lessing novel; I forget which one. The female protagonist developed an unwelcome crush on her partner's son, and compared it with having the flu. She just endured it, knowing it was absurd, and waited for it to pass. It did. Time will fix this, and in the meantime you're not hurting anybody, and there's no reason to feel bad. It'll pass.
posted by Susan PG at 7:55 PM on April 22, 2015 [17 favorites]
The best advice I ever got about ridiculous infatuations was from a Doris Lessing novel; I forget which one. The female protagonist developed an unwelcome crush on her partner's son, and compared it with having the flu. She just endured it, knowing it was absurd, and waited for it to pass. It did. Time will fix this, and in the meantime you're not hurting anybody, and there's no reason to feel bad. It'll pass.
posted by Susan PG at 7:55 PM on April 22, 2015 [17 favorites]
So are you like pretending to not be interested at work and then going home and ruminating about him for hours on end? Don't do this. It's a waste of your precious time. It's also kind of unhealthy. I understand, I've certainly fantasized about that unbelievably handsome, intelligent, poised man with the beautiful eyes and hair and chin and so on. Then I went out with him. And I was tickled pink to be going out with him. I mean I could literally watch him read and feel satisfied that I was doing something meaningful with my life. I kid, I kid! But still. It is fun to go out with such a handsome man. We would walk down the street and women and men would toss themselves in his path. That was fun to see. Many things were fun to see in the realm of handsome man. But time is short and you will find, once you go out with a handsome man that they can be really irritating in themselves. That the really important things get trampled under the beautiful feet of handsome man. Because what really matters, and this I only figured out after 3 years of dating one, is that you and whomever you choose to be with share a genuine love and respect for one another. That he has your best interests at heart. Not that the handsomeness fades mind you. My ex handsome man is getting handsomer with age, bless his soul. But my tolerance for his behavior certainly faded. Thank god. And some day yours will, too.
posted by lillian.elmtree at 7:57 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lillian.elmtree at 7:57 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Geez, people are really piling on here. You're not creepy. You don't have tons of horrible mental issues.
Looking at your posting history, I have to say, there's a thing as too much introspection. I'm not saying don't try to improve yourself, but your entire focus seems to be on getting yourself in line, on this giant to-do project that is you. It sounds exhausting. No wonder you're engaging in frequent mental escapism. Thinking about a cute guy at work is way more fun than therapy and trying to give even more to an already high-stress job. What's fun in your life right now?
If I had to diagnose you with a problem, it would be "being 23." Relax. Time and experience will make you more secure in yourself and bring perspective and lessons. I was reading your description of this guy and thinking wow, he does sound amazing. Then I read that he was 27, and I started laughing. (I'm in my mid-30s.) I mean maybe he is some kind of prodigy whiz, but some dude in his twenties is just a kid to me. Someday you'll look back and he'll be just a kid to you too.
I was a hot mess when I was 23. 10 years later, I still fight the same battles as you, but I have more weapons. When I get hung up on some guy, I just remember all the guys I thought I would never get over that I did. When I get obsessive, I try to find something more consuming, even if it's something mindless in the moment, like a TV show. I let the thoughts come and sit with them and then let them drift away, and don't beat myself up for having them. When it comes to getting things done, I remember that something is better than nothing. When I get hung up on what others think of me, I recall how people have loved me over the years. When I get bummed out and feel stuck in life, I think of some challenge from years ago and how I'm so far past it now I can barely even recall it because life has a way of finding a way and happening such that you can't expect.
And when I fuck up and have a messy apartment or paid the bills late or made a fool of myself in front of some dude, I forgive myself. I think of the people I love who I've lost over time and ask myself whether it really matters.
posted by unannihilated at 8:37 PM on April 22, 2015 [47 favorites]
Looking at your posting history, I have to say, there's a thing as too much introspection. I'm not saying don't try to improve yourself, but your entire focus seems to be on getting yourself in line, on this giant to-do project that is you. It sounds exhausting. No wonder you're engaging in frequent mental escapism. Thinking about a cute guy at work is way more fun than therapy and trying to give even more to an already high-stress job. What's fun in your life right now?
If I had to diagnose you with a problem, it would be "being 23." Relax. Time and experience will make you more secure in yourself and bring perspective and lessons. I was reading your description of this guy and thinking wow, he does sound amazing. Then I read that he was 27, and I started laughing. (I'm in my mid-30s.) I mean maybe he is some kind of prodigy whiz, but some dude in his twenties is just a kid to me. Someday you'll look back and he'll be just a kid to you too.
I was a hot mess when I was 23. 10 years later, I still fight the same battles as you, but I have more weapons. When I get hung up on some guy, I just remember all the guys I thought I would never get over that I did. When I get obsessive, I try to find something more consuming, even if it's something mindless in the moment, like a TV show. I let the thoughts come and sit with them and then let them drift away, and don't beat myself up for having them. When it comes to getting things done, I remember that something is better than nothing. When I get hung up on what others think of me, I recall how people have loved me over the years. When I get bummed out and feel stuck in life, I think of some challenge from years ago and how I'm so far past it now I can barely even recall it because life has a way of finding a way and happening such that you can't expect.
And when I fuck up and have a messy apartment or paid the bills late or made a fool of myself in front of some dude, I forgive myself. I think of the people I love who I've lost over time and ask myself whether it really matters.
posted by unannihilated at 8:37 PM on April 22, 2015 [47 favorites]
I know this guy, or at least his type. That zoning-out and going cold for weeks thing? Yeah...just so you know, that doesn't stop once you're dating. The charm that turns on and off like a faucet? It's mostly off once you're together. Pro tip: This is a trap. Run.
If you sense this as a pattern, I suggest bringing up co-dependency and attraction to narcissists with your therapist. This pattern gets easier to overcome once you understand it.
posted by ananci at 9:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you sense this as a pattern, I suggest bringing up co-dependency and attraction to narcissists with your therapist. This pattern gets easier to overcome once you understand it.
posted by ananci at 9:15 PM on April 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is me. I met a ridiculously hot canadian psycho a la palahniuk. He totally blew me away in retrospect but I could see through his game at the time. I guessed right, that his parents had broken up when he was young and that his dad was a workaholic. So he strives to be perfect and have his ego propped with girls because he's really struggling to be validated. But I also learned that people who kind of jolt you are the ones you can learn the most from. I learned that I want to be more like him (the good parts, not the narcissism) and that people who are really smart can have a skewed sense of morals, which made me question mine. The wise elizabeth gilbert once said, soulmates are people who were not meant to stay in your life, but to teach you something. That's why you're so preoccupied with him, he's the opposite of you.
posted by kinoeye at 10:20 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kinoeye at 10:20 PM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sorry, a story about anxiety and attraction to back up the glib advice I gave above. I was a few years younger than you are; this was at my first year of university, at residence. He was an athlete, popular, etc. I later learned that the crush was actually reciprocated, which is hilarious, haha, can't stop laughing. The point is, I was tormented - it was painful. (I did also have issues with general anxiety.)
The thing that's similar is, I couldn't escape. My crush lived two doors down. I was incapacitated in his presence, couldn't speak even around him without stammering or spewing out non sequiturs. (It was so bad. He'd say, "Hey what's up?", and I'd go, "The trees look pretty green today, huh?") I had to walk past his door to go to the kitchen; I lost 20 pounds that year because I was too nervous to do that X many times a day, which meant I mostly lived off PBJ sandwiches and instant coffee, which I could make in my room. It was brutal.
The things that enabled me to act like a normal person around this guy were a) moving out and b) dating someone else. I think if you're legitimately overwhelmed, and you're already doing therapy and working so hard at everything else, and he is just unavoidable, a high-reward replacement could help. Like maybe another guy who is maybe less smooth, but also more fun and less crazy-making. (That's what I went with.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
The thing that's similar is, I couldn't escape. My crush lived two doors down. I was incapacitated in his presence, couldn't speak even around him without stammering or spewing out non sequiturs. (It was so bad. He'd say, "Hey what's up?", and I'd go, "The trees look pretty green today, huh?") I had to walk past his door to go to the kitchen; I lost 20 pounds that year because I was too nervous to do that X many times a day, which meant I mostly lived off PBJ sandwiches and instant coffee, which I could make in my room. It was brutal.
The things that enabled me to act like a normal person around this guy were a) moving out and b) dating someone else. I think if you're legitimately overwhelmed, and you're already doing therapy and working so hard at everything else, and he is just unavoidable, a high-reward replacement could help. Like maybe another guy who is maybe less smooth, but also more fun and less crazy-making. (That's what I went with.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 PM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you are looking for drama everywhere in your life. (cf other questions) I see you being like anyone who's a rather typical regular unregulated teenager, everything is a super, mega, big, enormous, ohmigod crazy big deal. Even when it's not.
Learning how to regulate our affective responses is part of growing up n out of teenage wild emotions.
Cute guy at work who gets your fantasy life revved? Masturbate quietly at home n file it away under 'Forbidden Fruit' and get on with your job, knowing that no amount of wishing is going to turn fantasy into reality.
Practise mentally walking away from drama.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:53 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Learning how to regulate our affective responses is part of growing up n out of teenage wild emotions.
Cute guy at work who gets your fantasy life revved? Masturbate quietly at home n file it away under 'Forbidden Fruit' and get on with your job, knowing that no amount of wishing is going to turn fantasy into reality.
Practise mentally walking away from drama.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:53 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
What's happening here is that you're falling for a player.
Just tell yourself that, over and over: I'm getting played. I'm getting played.
Eventually that excited buzz will turn into indignation: That fucker played with me!!
That's when the truly awesome guys show up.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:36 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just tell yourself that, over and over: I'm getting played. I'm getting played.
Eventually that excited buzz will turn into indignation: That fucker played with me!!
That's when the truly awesome guys show up.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:36 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "...he winked salaciously at me or he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders - but he has these moments with every attractive girl at work..."
Far be it for me to say, but when I think of healthy work romances, I think of me and my husband, when we were the grand age of 22. We dated for a year while we worked at the same retail store, and the minute we started even thinking of a non-platonic relationship was the minute we stopped having anything more than absolutely required work-related contact. I stopped going to his department to help with the weekly floorplan reset. He stopped coming by my department with returns. If we passed each other anywhere, it was as simple as saying "hey" and walking right by each other. Our management team loved us (two high-performers who loved their jobs) and wanted to see us get married and we could have gotten away with murder, to a point (we were 22 and in love!)--but we decided to be 100% professional and avoid even the tiniest perception of impropriety. That's how grown-ups act. They don't wink salaciously or give massages at work; that's how sexual harassment investigations start.
Long story short: Don't let him touch or rub you at work. Stop accepting that he's winking salaciously at you at work. Draw lines. Stop engaging. Stop fantasizing. He's walking on you.
Also, it seems to me that you're more enamoured with the qualities in him that you wish you had, rather than enamoured with the person he really is. And the person he really is? Might not be anything close to the person you see at work. (On preview: saw your update. So, he's not at all what you see at work.) A lot of people are different at work than they are at home; at my last job, everyone thought I was the most non-girly tomboy assertive/confrontational hardass, but, at home, I curl my hair, wear feminine clothes and scarves (SCARVES!), get manicures, wear a lot of makeup, and despise confrontation. My attitude is completely different. (On the last day I was at my place of employment, for an exit interview, I went in dressed and styled as "me," and people I'd worked shoulder-to-shoulder with for nearly a year didn't recognize me.) My co-workers didn't know me, and a lot of my co-workers were the same way: 100% different at home. We build walls and take on traits that make us successful at work that would kill us at home. Another long story short: it's okay to admire the traits a person has, but you've gotta learn how to separate admiring traits from admiring the person. Because he's not perfect; he's human, like you. And I think this is simply a lesson you learn from (1) varied work experiences, and (2) improving your self-discipline.
posted by coast99 at 7:50 AM on April 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Far be it for me to say, but when I think of healthy work romances, I think of me and my husband, when we were the grand age of 22. We dated for a year while we worked at the same retail store, and the minute we started even thinking of a non-platonic relationship was the minute we stopped having anything more than absolutely required work-related contact. I stopped going to his department to help with the weekly floorplan reset. He stopped coming by my department with returns. If we passed each other anywhere, it was as simple as saying "hey" and walking right by each other. Our management team loved us (two high-performers who loved their jobs) and wanted to see us get married and we could have gotten away with murder, to a point (we were 22 and in love!)--but we decided to be 100% professional and avoid even the tiniest perception of impropriety. That's how grown-ups act. They don't wink salaciously or give massages at work; that's how sexual harassment investigations start.
Long story short: Don't let him touch or rub you at work. Stop accepting that he's winking salaciously at you at work. Draw lines. Stop engaging. Stop fantasizing. He's walking on you.
Also, it seems to me that you're more enamoured with the qualities in him that you wish you had, rather than enamoured with the person he really is. And the person he really is? Might not be anything close to the person you see at work. (On preview: saw your update. So, he's not at all what you see at work.) A lot of people are different at work than they are at home; at my last job, everyone thought I was the most non-girly tomboy assertive/confrontational hardass, but, at home, I curl my hair, wear feminine clothes and scarves (SCARVES!), get manicures, wear a lot of makeup, and despise confrontation. My attitude is completely different. (On the last day I was at my place of employment, for an exit interview, I went in dressed and styled as "me," and people I'd worked shoulder-to-shoulder with for nearly a year didn't recognize me.) My co-workers didn't know me, and a lot of my co-workers were the same way: 100% different at home. We build walls and take on traits that make us successful at work that would kill us at home. Another long story short: it's okay to admire the traits a person has, but you've gotta learn how to separate admiring traits from admiring the person. Because he's not perfect; he's human, like you. And I think this is simply a lesson you learn from (1) varied work experiences, and (2) improving your self-discipline.
posted by coast99 at 7:50 AM on April 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Try to notice other men in your circle of friends (and friends of friends). Even if you're not drawn to anyone at first, just talk and learn. Be curious. Having an active mind can be your best friend unless you are sequestering yourself with work relationships.
posted by waving at 10:38 AM on April 23, 2015
posted by waving at 10:38 AM on April 23, 2015
Best answer: 1] this kind of unreciprocated attraction is called "limerance." You could coin a neologism and call him your "limerant." When you are in a state of hyperarousal and wigging out, you could call it "limerating."
It's not actually a good feeling. People who are habituated to adrenaline (trauma or abuse survivors) generate quivering panic to feel normal.
2] The Art of Manliness is a great resource for polishing yourself. It's helpful to establish boundaries-- what is normal, appropriate.
3]
You need to regulate your affective state; you also need to regulate your behavior. Especially at work. Sometimes it's helpful to think-- "I don't need to SAY anything, I don't need to DO anything. I don't need to draw attention to myself." Just chill out and listen and learn.
posted by ohshenandoah at 12:12 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's not actually a good feeling. People who are habituated to adrenaline (trauma or abuse survivors) generate quivering panic to feel normal.
2] The Art of Manliness is a great resource for polishing yourself. It's helpful to establish boundaries-- what is normal, appropriate.
3]
You need to regulate your affective state; you also need to regulate your behavior. Especially at work. Sometimes it's helpful to think-- "I don't need to SAY anything, I don't need to DO anything. I don't need to draw attention to myself." Just chill out and listen and learn.
posted by ohshenandoah at 12:12 PM on April 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I find I get these intense senseless crushes when I am anxious or sad about other things and trying to deflect those feelings.
The three things I do that help are:
1) Trying to take care of myself, create safe spaces for myself to get closer to what I'm actually upset about, and basically just trying to go through, like a cold. It sounds like you're doing this, so kudos to you. Unfortunately it doesn't always happen on the timeline I'd prefer.
2) Picking a ridiculous, unrealistic crush to refocus myself on and fantasize about every time I notice my mind wandering towards him. I realized I needed something sort of in the same emotion family to redirect to or else it was an awful case of 'don't think about elephants'. But it has to be something so far out of the realm of reality that it doesn't just start me on another painful crush - a fictional character or historical person.
3) When I really can't stand it any more, write email draft letters to my crush object, as maudlin, sentimental, etc as I feel like. Make sure not to put any address in the to: line so that you can't even accidentally send them. These stay in my drafts folder. Sometimes I look back and see them and the intensity of those feelings seems like it's coming from a different universe, and that's a comforting reminder that whatever I'm in the middle of angsting about, 'this too shall pass.'
posted by Salamandrous at 7:31 AM on April 30, 2015
The three things I do that help are:
1) Trying to take care of myself, create safe spaces for myself to get closer to what I'm actually upset about, and basically just trying to go through, like a cold. It sounds like you're doing this, so kudos to you. Unfortunately it doesn't always happen on the timeline I'd prefer.
2) Picking a ridiculous, unrealistic crush to refocus myself on and fantasize about every time I notice my mind wandering towards him. I realized I needed something sort of in the same emotion family to redirect to or else it was an awful case of 'don't think about elephants'. But it has to be something so far out of the realm of reality that it doesn't just start me on another painful crush - a fictional character or historical person.
3) When I really can't stand it any more, write email draft letters to my crush object, as maudlin, sentimental, etc as I feel like. Make sure not to put any address in the to: line so that you can't even accidentally send them. These stay in my drafts folder. Sometimes I look back and see them and the intensity of those feelings seems like it's coming from a different universe, and that's a comforting reminder that whatever I'm in the middle of angsting about, 'this too shall pass.'
posted by Salamandrous at 7:31 AM on April 30, 2015
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You could (and should) make an effort to deconstruct him and see his flaws, but probably the easiest way to get him out of your head is to date people who aren't him.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:33 PM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]