Help me get over this sudden fear of doing something really dumb.
April 22, 2015 2:35 AM Subscribe
I work in broadcasting. Lately, I have the awful feeling that I'm about to inadvertently say something that will get me fired. Can you help me work through this, and chase these thoughts away?
I've worked in broadcasting all my life, and this has never been an issue before, but I suppose this is the "imp of the perverse" having its fun with me right now. A few days ago, while on the air, I had a stray thought cross my mind - "oh my god, I'm going to accidentally say the 'n-word,' and get fired and never work in this business again."
I never say that word. I have no idea where this notion came from. But for the past few days, every time I open the mike, I have this almost debilitating fear that the word is going to spring forth from my lips for no good reason.
I'm good at my job, and I really enjoy my work, but this is really bothering me. Are there exercises that you've done that get you to excise bad/stupid/unnecessary thoughts from your head? The only other thing I can compare it to is, one time, a co-worker said to me, "Hey, have you ever ended a work phone call by saying 'I love you?' That's the worst, right?" And of course, I hadn't, but from that moment on, I was freaked out by the notion that I might.
Practical tips and input are very much welcome. Thank you in advance.
I've worked in broadcasting all my life, and this has never been an issue before, but I suppose this is the "imp of the perverse" having its fun with me right now. A few days ago, while on the air, I had a stray thought cross my mind - "oh my god, I'm going to accidentally say the 'n-word,' and get fired and never work in this business again."
I never say that word. I have no idea where this notion came from. But for the past few days, every time I open the mike, I have this almost debilitating fear that the word is going to spring forth from my lips for no good reason.
I'm good at my job, and I really enjoy my work, but this is really bothering me. Are there exercises that you've done that get you to excise bad/stupid/unnecessary thoughts from your head? The only other thing I can compare it to is, one time, a co-worker said to me, "Hey, have you ever ended a work phone call by saying 'I love you?' That's the worst, right?" And of course, I hadn't, but from that moment on, I was freaked out by the notion that I might.
Practical tips and input are very much welcome. Thank you in advance.
As a generality I struggle with this sometimes. I do something which I suspect is a lot like mediation where I stop, force a hugely deep breath and talk at myself using a speaking voice in my head (concrete thought speaking instead of abstract thought) and sternly say "no, that's silly. Stop it. Stop now"
It works surprisingly well.
On a more specific note I work in broadcast engineering. Many many years ago I was at discovery networks during a first run primetime episode of mythbusters and pulled the wrong patch cable causing the picture to go solid green for 20 seconds. I was always afraid of that happening and mortified when it did. What actually happened was about 10 old salts gathered together and started telling war stories to comfort me. Point is, short of saying something specifically like the " n word" you probably WILL get tongue tied or something. Its inevitable. We're human and in broadcasting there are 24 hours to fill. That's A LOT to go perfectly perfect especially in such a temporal medium. So I can assure you, you won't say the "n word" but allowing yourself some breathing room to know that you probably will screw up or get the inappropriate giggles etc will allow you to let go a little with this stress.
posted by chasles at 4:03 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
It works surprisingly well.
On a more specific note I work in broadcast engineering. Many many years ago I was at discovery networks during a first run primetime episode of mythbusters and pulled the wrong patch cable causing the picture to go solid green for 20 seconds. I was always afraid of that happening and mortified when it did. What actually happened was about 10 old salts gathered together and started telling war stories to comfort me. Point is, short of saying something specifically like the " n word" you probably WILL get tongue tied or something. Its inevitable. We're human and in broadcasting there are 24 hours to fill. That's A LOT to go perfectly perfect especially in such a temporal medium. So I can assure you, you won't say the "n word" but allowing yourself some breathing room to know that you probably will screw up or get the inappropriate giggles etc will allow you to let go a little with this stress.
posted by chasles at 4:03 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yes, these sound like intrusive thoughts to me. I don't know if this tactic will work for you, but a technique I learned was if you have one of these thoughts, to start thinking about a catchy song and tapping out the beat with your finger on a table or your leg. The idea is to get yourself out of the mental "rut" that you're stuck in when you fixate on one of these thoughts, by creating a new automatic response for it.
posted by capricorn at 4:35 AM on April 22, 2015
posted by capricorn at 4:35 AM on April 22, 2015
Also, someone I used to work with once DID end a work phone call with "I love you" - a work phone call with a disgruntled customer at that! The result was that after that happened, there was not a lot that could embarrass her in the workplace. And she clearly thinks it's a great story.
posted by capricorn at 4:37 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 4:37 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
You've probably seen those stories about celebrities saying stupid things and ruining their careers, and it's made you feel like you are one horrible slip away from sharing their fate.
But most of the celebrities who said horrible, career-ruining things were assholes who got caught being assholes. They deliberately said something horrible, not realizing that the mic was on, or they were so pampered and dumb that they didn't realize that what they were saying was horrible. It doesn't sound like either of those applies to you. You know the n-word is horrible, and you're not going to say it on purpose.
So, are you worried about saying it by accident? How would that happen? If you had a stroke or something, do you think it would just happen to manifest in you saying the n-word on the air, exactly the way that you're afraid of? Are you going to suddenly develop Tourettes syndrome, and if so will it manifest in that very specific way? Those things aren't going to happen. They just won't.
If this is really bothering you, it may be time to talk to a therapist. Not because you're nuts, but because this is making you unhappy. You may also want to consider talking about it with others in the field, not specifying what you're scared of saying but just talking about your fear that you could ruin your life by saying something stupid. I suspect it's something a lot of broadcasters have worried about, at least a little.
If it ever happens, you can always just say you have a horrible drinking problem and then go straight to rehab. That's saved a lot of careers in the media!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:05 AM on April 22, 2015
But most of the celebrities who said horrible, career-ruining things were assholes who got caught being assholes. They deliberately said something horrible, not realizing that the mic was on, or they were so pampered and dumb that they didn't realize that what they were saying was horrible. It doesn't sound like either of those applies to you. You know the n-word is horrible, and you're not going to say it on purpose.
So, are you worried about saying it by accident? How would that happen? If you had a stroke or something, do you think it would just happen to manifest in you saying the n-word on the air, exactly the way that you're afraid of? Are you going to suddenly develop Tourettes syndrome, and if so will it manifest in that very specific way? Those things aren't going to happen. They just won't.
If this is really bothering you, it may be time to talk to a therapist. Not because you're nuts, but because this is making you unhappy. You may also want to consider talking about it with others in the field, not specifying what you're scared of saying but just talking about your fear that you could ruin your life by saying something stupid. I suspect it's something a lot of broadcasters have worried about, at least a little.
If it ever happens, you can always just say you have a horrible drinking problem and then go straight to rehab. That's saved a lot of careers in the media!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:05 AM on April 22, 2015
Nthing intrusive thoughts; they're more common than you might think. It often helps to acknowledge them for what they are, as they pop up: "Oh, there's that n-word thought again. It's not something I want to think or do, it's my brain trolling me. It's not true and it has no power; it's just a thought." Instead of trying to force that thought out of your head, leave it there; if it fails to get a rise out of you, it will wander off on its own.
When I get intrusive thoughts that involve things I could do (as opposed to the thoughts that focus on things out of my control), it helps me to tell myself that these thoughts enter my head because they are something I really, really don't want to do. In other words, they're not secret desires making themselves known; quite the opposite. If I mentally respond with "Nope, that's an awful idea and I don't want to do it," I feel like I've regained control and won't let the horrible thought boss me around.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:27 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
When I get intrusive thoughts that involve things I could do (as opposed to the thoughts that focus on things out of my control), it helps me to tell myself that these thoughts enter my head because they are something I really, really don't want to do. In other words, they're not secret desires making themselves known; quite the opposite. If I mentally respond with "Nope, that's an awful idea and I don't want to do it," I feel like I've regained control and won't let the horrible thought boss me around.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:27 AM on April 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I get something similar although to a lesser degree and with lower stakes than my livelihood. I play the piano in church and sometimes I'll have this thought of "what if I can't remember what a C chord is, or what that note says?"
What I do is remind myself that I've practiced heaps, I'm experienced and of the hundreds of times I've played, I've never completely blanked and this time will be no different. So maybe that could work for you? Remind yourself that you've never said that word, you're a professional and you're a good broadcaster. Tell yourself that because you're a professional, a good broadcaster, experienced etc etc you've never said that word and you're not going to start now.
posted by pianissimo at 7:04 AM on April 22, 2015
What I do is remind myself that I've practiced heaps, I'm experienced and of the hundreds of times I've played, I've never completely blanked and this time will be no different. So maybe that could work for you? Remind yourself that you've never said that word, you're a professional and you're a good broadcaster. Tell yourself that because you're a professional, a good broadcaster, experienced etc etc you've never said that word and you're not going to start now.
posted by pianissimo at 7:04 AM on April 22, 2015
In other words, they're not secret desires making themselves known; quite the opposite.
Yes, a lot of the power of intrusive thoughts comes from people thinking "Oh my god, if I'm thinking this, it means I'm a horrible person who secretly wants to do horrible things!" and then getting caught up in a shame spiral. Your feeling "awful" when these thoughts pop up, however, is a good indication that they are not actually secret desires but instead anxiety-fueled fears.
posted by jaguar at 7:05 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yes, a lot of the power of intrusive thoughts comes from people thinking "Oh my god, if I'm thinking this, it means I'm a horrible person who secretly wants to do horrible things!" and then getting caught up in a shame spiral. Your feeling "awful" when these thoughts pop up, however, is a good indication that they are not actually secret desires but instead anxiety-fueled fears.
posted by jaguar at 7:05 AM on April 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Nthing intrusive thoughts. There was a really great episode of Invisibilia that addresses exactly this problem.
The issue for you isn't the intrusive thoughts - everyone gets weird, inappropriate, disturbing thoughts that pop into their mind - the issue is what you 'do' with the thoughts. You can either think 'that was a goofy thought', and let it go, or you could 'clamp down' and start to obsess about it. You can start to wonder whether you'll actually act on the thought, or whether having the thought makes you a bad person.
The trick is to be mindful, to appropriately label the thought ('wow, that was a brain thought'), and to then consciously let the thought go. Acceptance and commitment therapy can be really, really helpful in learning these techniques. I've found this workbook very helpful in the past, and it might be a good starting point for you.
Also, regular meditation can be really helpful. Think of it as training the 'muscles' that allow you to let go of thoughts, so when intrusive thoughts crop up again you can more readily and consciously let go of the obsessive thoughts that might follow.
posted by nerdfish at 7:10 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
The issue for you isn't the intrusive thoughts - everyone gets weird, inappropriate, disturbing thoughts that pop into their mind - the issue is what you 'do' with the thoughts. You can either think 'that was a goofy thought', and let it go, or you could 'clamp down' and start to obsess about it. You can start to wonder whether you'll actually act on the thought, or whether having the thought makes you a bad person.
The trick is to be mindful, to appropriately label the thought ('wow, that was a brain thought'), and to then consciously let the thought go. Acceptance and commitment therapy can be really, really helpful in learning these techniques. I've found this workbook very helpful in the past, and it might be a good starting point for you.
Also, regular meditation can be really helpful. Think of it as training the 'muscles' that allow you to let go of thoughts, so when intrusive thoughts crop up again you can more readily and consciously let go of the obsessive thoughts that might follow.
posted by nerdfish at 7:10 AM on April 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is something else bothering you or are you feeling constricted or confined in other areas of your life? Sometimes when I feel frustrated about having to "behave" in one arena of my life, I feel the urge to become childish in another arena. Or if I'm angry about something but have restrictions about how it can be expressed, then it wants to come out somewhere else. Or if you're mad at yourself and want to make a public mistake to confirm that you're a bad person or something.
So you could do a bit of a life inventory and check to see if you're bothered by other things and it's coming out here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:52 AM on April 22, 2015
So you could do a bit of a life inventory and check to see if you're bothered by other things and it's coming out here.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:52 AM on April 22, 2015
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to understand the difference between thoughts, physical reactions, emotions, and behavior. In other words, that just because a thought pops into your head and freaks your body out (i.e. triggering fight or flight), doesn't mean that the thought is meaningful, or that you should react to it.
Once you identify the unhealthy cycle (any specific "triggers" you have, learn to pay attention to the way they make your body feel, and how you react), you can see unhealthy anxiety for what it is (physical/behavioral reactions to meaningless thoughts). Nthing that mindfulness meditation is a fantastic way to learn how to monitor your thoughts, and train yourself to re-focus after deciding that a thought is meaningless. Think of it as bootcamp for the mind.
Last but not least- I couldn't agree more that EVERYONE has an "imp of the perverse" inside of them and has intrusive thoughts from time to time. Nothing is wrong with you, and if you learn how to move past them, they don't have to have any power over you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898621283/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 is a great book on CBT. It can be used for self-help purposes or in conjunction with therapy. Good luck!
posted by 11dawgs1 at 11:52 PM on April 22, 2015
Once you identify the unhealthy cycle (any specific "triggers" you have, learn to pay attention to the way they make your body feel, and how you react), you can see unhealthy anxiety for what it is (physical/behavioral reactions to meaningless thoughts). Nthing that mindfulness meditation is a fantastic way to learn how to monitor your thoughts, and train yourself to re-focus after deciding that a thought is meaningless. Think of it as bootcamp for the mind.
Last but not least- I couldn't agree more that EVERYONE has an "imp of the perverse" inside of them and has intrusive thoughts from time to time. Nothing is wrong with you, and if you learn how to move past them, they don't have to have any power over you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898621283/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 is a great book on CBT. It can be used for self-help purposes or in conjunction with therapy. Good luck!
posted by 11dawgs1 at 11:52 PM on April 22, 2015
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I once suffered from this, in a slightly different form, but my psychologist was able to fix it in a snap by explaining how my brain was playing tricks on me. I don't think my particular solution will be relevant to you, but basic mindfulness and meditation techniques (just let the thought come and go, don't try to stop it, don't try to think about it) are a good place to start.
posted by rubbish bin night at 3:28 AM on April 22, 2015 [2 favorites]