Divorce questions
April 18, 2015 8:25 PM Subscribe
I'm ending a marriage after 14 years and I have two questions.
1. I have gigs and gigs of photos digitally of our nieces, nephew and adopted sister. My wife is technically challenged. What's the best way to give these to her? She won't have a computer, as I'll have custody.
2. She's asked that I meet with her sister (21 years old, and I've been around since age 5), and our nephew and nieces (ages 10-14). The sister is fine and an easy conversation, but I have no idea what to tell the children and how to explain that I can't be in their lives anymore... Im afraid of bursting into tears and giving them some sort of complex. What should I say, how should I say it?
1. I have gigs and gigs of photos digitally of our nieces, nephew and adopted sister. My wife is technically challenged. What's the best way to give these to her? She won't have a computer, as I'll have custody.
2. She's asked that I meet with her sister (21 years old, and I've been around since age 5), and our nephew and nieces (ages 10-14). The sister is fine and an easy conversation, but I have no idea what to tell the children and how to explain that I can't be in their lives anymore... Im afraid of bursting into tears and giving them some sort of complex. What should I say, how should I say it?
For your second question: Speaking here as the parent of children 8 and 12 years old, no, you don't need to explain anything to them, and you should feel comfortable with setting a hard boundary here. It's not your place to do it, anyway. In fact, I would be super weirded out if my brother or sisters-in-law felt it their responsibility to explain their divorce to my kids. That is the job of the parents in question, and totally not your wife's judgment call to make you do it.
I've been the kid with the tearful adult explaining about a divorce. It's horrible for everyone and there is zero value add. There is no need for this to occur.
posted by Andrhia at 8:39 PM on April 18, 2015 [36 favorites]
I've been the kid with the tearful adult explaining about a divorce. It's horrible for everyone and there is zero value add. There is no need for this to occur.
posted by Andrhia at 8:39 PM on April 18, 2015 [36 favorites]
1. Make an account with Dropbox or Imageshack or something. Put them there - theyre accessible from phone or computer and even if you pay a fee, it's not a huge thing.
2. Why can't you be in their life ? I'm FB friends with several other exes and their families (and not with others, it depends). But mainly, it's a breakup, not moving to Mars. Things will change, but, you know, you aren't dying or anything.
Unless you want to cut off all contact. Then, well, I sort of prefer soft selling things to kids - they have enough distractions with 5th grade exams and whether that boy in study hall likes them that it won't matter much as long as it's not a big deal.
But mainly, I don't think you need to say anything. It's not really their business, and they'll hear through the grapevine, anyway. No need to be weird or whatever, if they message you or something I think you can honest, but no need to go into great detail.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:42 PM on April 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
2. Why can't you be in their life ? I'm FB friends with several other exes and their families (and not with others, it depends). But mainly, it's a breakup, not moving to Mars. Things will change, but, you know, you aren't dying or anything.
Unless you want to cut off all contact. Then, well, I sort of prefer soft selling things to kids - they have enough distractions with 5th grade exams and whether that boy in study hall likes them that it won't matter much as long as it's not a big deal.
But mainly, I don't think you need to say anything. It's not really their business, and they'll hear through the grapevine, anyway. No need to be weird or whatever, if they message you or something I think you can honest, but no need to go into great detail.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:42 PM on April 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I agree with If only I had a penguin...'s script and think you should make clear you can be in their lives if it makes sense for you and your wife and for them.
But also want to tell you not to worry too much if you do cry. We put too much weight on public crying, especially for men. It's natural when a change happens in a 14 year relationship. Don't worry about being stoic in such an emotional conversation. Good luck.
posted by sweetkid at 8:42 PM on April 18, 2015
But also want to tell you not to worry too much if you do cry. We put too much weight on public crying, especially for men. It's natural when a change happens in a 14 year relationship. Don't worry about being stoic in such an emotional conversation. Good luck.
posted by sweetkid at 8:42 PM on April 18, 2015
Agree with Andrhia; these are your wife's relatives. Especially if you will no longer be in their lives, it seems unfair (to you and the children) and odd that she would ask you to tell them something this big before you disappear. The parents should talk to their own children and I would go so far as to say it's wrong for you to do it. As for the sister, she is an adult now. You have whatever kind of relationship you are both comfortable with. You tell her as much as appropriate but really, this is for your wife to tell her own sister. Again, especially if you're meant to just disappear afterwards.
As for the photos, put them all on an external hard drive and leave it with her. Cloud storage is also an option but you don't want ongoing conversations about fees or she forgot the password or whatever. She can find someone with a computer to help her sift and print or whatever she wants to do. Main thing is to give her reasonable access.
Take care of you.
posted by stellathon at 8:49 PM on April 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
As for the photos, put them all on an external hard drive and leave it with her. Cloud storage is also an option but you don't want ongoing conversations about fees or she forgot the password or whatever. She can find someone with a computer to help her sift and print or whatever she wants to do. Main thing is to give her reasonable access.
Take care of you.
posted by stellathon at 8:49 PM on April 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
To this day I regret not being allowed to say goodbye to my ex husband's family, which included some young people. I loved them and I think they loved me. It's a gift to be able to tell the 10- and 14-year old that you care for them. Take it.
posted by carmicha at 8:56 PM on April 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 8:56 PM on April 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Give the pictures to your ex on a flash/external drive. The 21 year old can show your ex how to use a computer (or the 10 or 14 year olds for that matter). If the ex is never going to have a computer then I'm not sure what good the digital files are. I think you risk further entanglement with things like Dropbox.
posted by desjardins at 9:38 PM on April 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 9:38 PM on April 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
Burn the photos to DVD, using a format that can be read by a DVD player, rather than a computer (I gather there is a difference, but I don't do this because I use the computer).
posted by GeeEmm at 12:29 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by GeeEmm at 12:29 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree -- this is for the kid's parents to explain, not you. Meet with the sister and talk to her about the divorce, but it is her job to communicate to her kids that their uncle and aunt are splitting up. Your wife may be asking you to talk to the kids because she wants to put you through a tough conversation, but I don't think it's best for the nieces and nephews for you to talk to them about it.
Also, in my family, even though my parents got divorced, my mom continued to be involved in and part of my dad's side of the family. I realize that in a lot of families, the divorced person gets cut off, but in my family (especially since the divorce was my dad's fault), my mom continues to be in the lives on her in-laws. She divorced my dad, but not the entire family. This may depend on the circumstances of the divorce. If you, say, cheated on your wife, they probably don't want you around anyway and aren't really going to ask you to stick around. If not, you may still be able to be in their lives if you were close with them.
I'm also confused by your first question. You'll have "custody" of the computer? Who has "custody" of a piece of electronics? She can't get her own computer? I don't know anyone in 2015 who lives without a computer. Part of splitting up should be her getting her own computer, and you loading all the stuff that you guys shared so she has it too.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:04 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, in my family, even though my parents got divorced, my mom continued to be involved in and part of my dad's side of the family. I realize that in a lot of families, the divorced person gets cut off, but in my family (especially since the divorce was my dad's fault), my mom continues to be in the lives on her in-laws. She divorced my dad, but not the entire family. This may depend on the circumstances of the divorce. If you, say, cheated on your wife, they probably don't want you around anyway and aren't really going to ask you to stick around. If not, you may still be able to be in their lives if you were close with them.
I'm also confused by your first question. You'll have "custody" of the computer? Who has "custody" of a piece of electronics? She can't get her own computer? I don't know anyone in 2015 who lives without a computer. Part of splitting up should be her getting her own computer, and you loading all the stuff that you guys shared so she has it too.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:04 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can get a digital photo frame with at least 22 GB.
posted by evilmomlady at 4:05 AM on April 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by evilmomlady at 4:05 AM on April 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't put the kids through that. If you can't be in their lives then just do a slow fade out. They don't need your divorce to be the most important part of their lives. If anything, their parents should explain it to them. I would be livid if someone decided to drop something that big on my children without my knowledge and consent.
Ask the 21 year old to sit with your wife and select the her top 20 photos to print out. They can put the rest on a drive.
posted by myselfasme at 6:42 AM on April 19, 2015
Ask the 21 year old to sit with your wife and select the her top 20 photos to print out. They can put the rest on a drive.
posted by myselfasme at 6:42 AM on April 19, 2015
1. I would probably:
a) Put them on a flash drive or an external hard drive and give that to her and
b) Make a photobook of the best one or two dozen and have that printed for her.
2. This is not a reasonable request for her to make. If you'd like to meet with these people then you certainly should, but you are not obligated to.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:32 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
a) Put them on a flash drive or an external hard drive and give that to her and
b) Make a photobook of the best one or two dozen and have that printed for her.
2. This is not a reasonable request for her to make. If you'd like to meet with these people then you certainly should, but you are not obligated to.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:32 AM on April 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
There are online photo printing places that do pictures for ~10 cents each, and sometimes you can even find discounts from that price. Gigs and gigs of photos? 80-90% of them are probably delete-able. Print the other 10-20% printed and shipped directly to her. She can put them in a photo album herself if she likes, or just leave them in the picture envelopes.
posted by lizbunny at 9:02 AM on April 19, 2015
posted by lizbunny at 9:02 AM on April 19, 2015
Just anecdotal, but my aunt and uncle got divorced a few years ago and though he's not related by blood, I still consider him my uncle. He's still treated as part of the family as well, even more so than my aunt really since she tends not to stay in contact (for unrelated reasons).
I think it's a little odd to make you be the one to explain this to the kids. If you absolutely cannot stay in their lives, then I feel like their parents should do the explaining beforehand and then you can just say goodbyes.
posted by Kimmalah at 9:09 AM on April 19, 2015
I think it's a little odd to make you be the one to explain this to the kids. If you absolutely cannot stay in their lives, then I feel like their parents should do the explaining beforehand and then you can just say goodbyes.
posted by Kimmalah at 9:09 AM on April 19, 2015
In our family, it's always been a tradition that after a suitable time-out, divorced uncles and aunts are welcomed at some family events. They divorced the auntie/uncle, not the rest of us. I almost started a business with one of my ex-uncles.
When divorce happened to me - twice - I honored that tradition when it became possible. Ex #2 has even joined us on holidays.
But I agree that you should not meet the kids to "explain", neither the sister nor the niece and nephew - that is just silly.
And give her the photos on an external hard-drive. Someone can help her, and it doesn't have to be you.
posted by mumimor at 9:46 AM on April 19, 2015
When divorce happened to me - twice - I honored that tradition when it became possible. Ex #2 has even joined us on holidays.
But I agree that you should not meet the kids to "explain", neither the sister nor the niece and nephew - that is just silly.
And give her the photos on an external hard-drive. Someone can help her, and it doesn't have to be you.
posted by mumimor at 9:46 AM on April 19, 2015
Instead of meeting with the kids, write each of them a brief note and include something specific about them. I think your wife has good intentions, but if she's just trying to avoid your dropping out of sight without warning, you can solve that in other ways.
If your wife asks you to load stuff directly onto whatever new computer she buys, it's fine to do that BUT you don't have to if it's going to be awkward or unpleasant. Putting it all on an external drive really is a good way to handle it and there are actually some advantages (for your wife) to having the photos stored separately.
When you're asked to do things, ask yourself, "What problem needs to be solved?" You might be seen as uncooperative if you just say, "No, I feel uncomfortable having a face-to-face with the nieces and nephews." But a reasonable person should accept it if you say, "I think it is a good idea to say good-bye, and I'll do that with a personal, thoughtful note to each of them."
posted by wryly at 1:19 PM on April 19, 2015
If your wife asks you to load stuff directly onto whatever new computer she buys, it's fine to do that BUT you don't have to if it's going to be awkward or unpleasant. Putting it all on an external drive really is a good way to handle it and there are actually some advantages (for your wife) to having the photos stored separately.
When you're asked to do things, ask yourself, "What problem needs to be solved?" You might be seen as uncooperative if you just say, "No, I feel uncomfortable having a face-to-face with the nieces and nephews." But a reasonable person should accept it if you say, "I think it is a good idea to say good-bye, and I'll do that with a personal, thoughtful note to each of them."
posted by wryly at 1:19 PM on April 19, 2015
You could get a digital photo frame that takes an sd card. Then the photos are on an sd card, plus she has a way to view them if she doesn't want to get a computer.
posted by freezer cake at 1:33 PM on April 20, 2015
posted by freezer cake at 1:33 PM on April 20, 2015
You have plenty of suggestions of what to do with the photos....all of them good ones.
And it's really NOT your responsibility to explain the divorce to kids that are not yours. That's their parents' responsibility.
If my BiL left my sister, there is no way I'd expect him to break that to my kid.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:03 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
And it's really NOT your responsibility to explain the divorce to kids that are not yours. That's their parents' responsibility.
If my BiL left my sister, there is no way I'd expect him to break that to my kid.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:03 AM on April 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
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So why not say "Wifename and I have decided not to be married anymore. That means my role in the family will be different from now on -- I probably won't be at family events for her side of the family, for example <give specific examples: traditional groundhog's day dinner at grandma's house or whatever). But my relationship with you is important so I want you to know that you're still important to me and we can still make plans to do things together if you want that."
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:34 PM on April 18, 2015 [20 favorites]