Is it really me, or is it them? Maybe combo of both?
April 17, 2015 1:35 AM Subscribe
Okay, so , I am a 27 year old woman, currently in the dating scene , but having bad luck. I have managed to find Two guys, one I was dating ( 27 yr like me,and currently don't know where we stand) and the other just remained a friend (29 yr old male) It has been rocky with Both men, known both for only a few months, met off dating website, and unfortunately,they have Both blamed me for the majority of the rockiness...
(Warning, a little long)
The issues I have gotten upset with these 2 men about ::
First, the man I was dating (27 yr old)::
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
-Even though we agreed to be exclusive, he was still on the dating website we met on
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
After I got upset, he said I was "crazy" for my emotional reaction of tears and not understanding that we are just "friends" ... I yelled once at him, and never got as angry/upset as I am capable.of, I didn't want to do that with him.
And with the man that we became only friends (29 yr old)::
- he has said offensive and hurtful things, he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
-example Of offensive things he said ..
-Laughing at the fact I had asthma and my use of an inhaler
-Making comments after every long comversation such as " he spent so Much time talking to me, he hasn't gotten anything done , and that I just take up too much of his time on the phone"
This always made me feel like a burden to him
-Telling me the "way I think is wrong, the way I handle men is wrong, the men I pick are all wrong and assholes"
-After asking for advice on talking to women, which i suggested him to cut short his veryyy long messages, and to compliment women more, he got on the defensive saying " I'm trying to change him, I'm trying to make him like one of the assholes I pick, just sweet talking women, and that cutting his messages short won't reflect who he Really is"
I got very angry and yelled and cursed a few times with this man. Inevitably, he ended the friendship, blamed everything on me, says he never said anything hurtful, i am trying to change him , no one Else has a problem with him except me,therefore its all Me and I am just too sensitive and overreacting alot
I know my negatives , which are mainly yelling and cursing when i am upset, being sensitive, and bringing up an issue more than once. Yelling and cursing never got me anywhere good, and i have gotten a Much better control over it
However, men have said and done things ,similar to the above , in my past relationships. This isnt the first time ive been made out to be some " irrational, emotional, crazy" girl. I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it. But somehow, the tables get turned on me. Everything becomes My fault and I'm the one to blame for breakups.
I feel very confused and like a complete screw up for overreacting to men and what they say/do to me.
I am looking for advice, thoughts, points of views on this conondrum that I always seem to find myself in
Am I choosing the wrong men? Is it really all my fault in the end because of my reactions of yelling and cursing, no matter what these men said and did to me?
Why does this keep happening to me?
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
Thank u all in advance, sorry for being so long
(Warning, a little long)
The issues I have gotten upset with these 2 men about ::
First, the man I was dating (27 yr old)::
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
-Even though we agreed to be exclusive, he was still on the dating website we met on
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
After I got upset, he said I was "crazy" for my emotional reaction of tears and not understanding that we are just "friends" ... I yelled once at him, and never got as angry/upset as I am capable.of, I didn't want to do that with him.
And with the man that we became only friends (29 yr old)::
- he has said offensive and hurtful things, he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
-example Of offensive things he said ..
-Laughing at the fact I had asthma and my use of an inhaler
-Making comments after every long comversation such as " he spent so Much time talking to me, he hasn't gotten anything done , and that I just take up too much of his time on the phone"
This always made me feel like a burden to him
-Telling me the "way I think is wrong, the way I handle men is wrong, the men I pick are all wrong and assholes"
-After asking for advice on talking to women, which i suggested him to cut short his veryyy long messages, and to compliment women more, he got on the defensive saying " I'm trying to change him, I'm trying to make him like one of the assholes I pick, just sweet talking women, and that cutting his messages short won't reflect who he Really is"
I got very angry and yelled and cursed a few times with this man. Inevitably, he ended the friendship, blamed everything on me, says he never said anything hurtful, i am trying to change him , no one Else has a problem with him except me,therefore its all Me and I am just too sensitive and overreacting alot
I know my negatives , which are mainly yelling and cursing when i am upset, being sensitive, and bringing up an issue more than once. Yelling and cursing never got me anywhere good, and i have gotten a Much better control over it
However, men have said and done things ,similar to the above , in my past relationships. This isnt the first time ive been made out to be some " irrational, emotional, crazy" girl. I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it. But somehow, the tables get turned on me. Everything becomes My fault and I'm the one to blame for breakups.
I feel very confused and like a complete screw up for overreacting to men and what they say/do to me.
I am looking for advice, thoughts, points of views on this conondrum that I always seem to find myself in
Am I choosing the wrong men? Is it really all my fault in the end because of my reactions of yelling and cursing, no matter what these men said and did to me?
Why does this keep happening to me?
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
Thank u all in advance, sorry for being so long
Both of these guys sound terrible. Potentially meeting two (or more!) terrible guys within a few months of online dating is unfortunately normal, in my experience.
It's not you. You're right to get upset at their crappy behavior. Trust your gut feeling. There shouldn't be this much drama in the early stages of a relationship and if you find it happening, get out quickly. Their gaslighting and insensitivity is a huge red flag for emotional abuse.
Sorry you're having bad luck but don't get too down about it. I don't think you're a problem or you have bad judgment or whatever, there are just a lot of jerks out there.
posted by horizons at 1:59 AM on April 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's not you. You're right to get upset at their crappy behavior. Trust your gut feeling. There shouldn't be this much drama in the early stages of a relationship and if you find it happening, get out quickly. Their gaslighting and insensitivity is a huge red flag for emotional abuse.
Sorry you're having bad luck but don't get too down about it. I don't think you're a problem or you have bad judgment or whatever, there are just a lot of jerks out there.
posted by horizons at 1:59 AM on April 17, 2015 [6 favorites]
I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it.
This is what you're doing wrong. You seem unable to accurately identify jerky behaviour by men in your life. So your feelings get hurt but you stick around anyway and let them treat you badly until you freak out on them and they get to stick the crazy lable on you.
You need to get a better hang of a) what behaviour you deserve (respect!) and which behaviour is unacceptable, b) speak up immediately when people are being unacceptable and disrespectful and c) value yourself enough to leave them when they continue acting that way.
Sounds like a tall order. Is therapy on the table for you?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:16 AM on April 17, 2015 [28 favorites]
This is what you're doing wrong. You seem unable to accurately identify jerky behaviour by men in your life. So your feelings get hurt but you stick around anyway and let them treat you badly until you freak out on them and they get to stick the crazy lable on you.
You need to get a better hang of a) what behaviour you deserve (respect!) and which behaviour is unacceptable, b) speak up immediately when people are being unacceptable and disrespectful and c) value yourself enough to leave them when they continue acting that way.
Sounds like a tall order. Is therapy on the table for you?
posted by Omnomnom at 2:16 AM on April 17, 2015 [28 favorites]
We only have your version of the story to go off of. However, these people suck. Stop talking to them.
If you keep on having issues dating people, the common denominator is you. I suggest you sit down and figure out why this is happening. Are you attracted to a certain type of person? Do you let people walk over you? Do you have no filter, etc?
posted by GiveUpNed at 3:30 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you keep on having issues dating people, the common denominator is you. I suggest you sit down and figure out why this is happening. Are you attracted to a certain type of person? Do you let people walk over you? Do you have no filter, etc?
posted by GiveUpNed at 3:30 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like these guys are jerks, but it also sounds like you're not in a good place at the moment / mature enough for dating right now.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:48 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:48 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Seconding omnomnom. You need to learn to see it early and end it immediately. Without a stitch of remorse.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:18 AM on April 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:18 AM on April 17, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, these guys are douchebags. That being said, you will spend a lot less of your life with douchebags if you can learn how to recognize them early on and cut them out right away.
The good news is that you can totally learn this! A therapist would probably be the most helpful route, but you can also check out books. I recommend starting with The Gift of Fear (which discusses how predatory or abusive guys try to push your boundaries).
A few examples of red flags you can learn to recognize:
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
GASLIGHTING. If things change and he says that you're remembering wrong.... odds are he's trying to gaslight you.
-Laughing at the fact I had asthma and my use of an inhaler
NEGGING. Tearing down your self-esteem so you feel like he's the best you can do.
This isnt the first time ive been made out to be some " irrational, emotional, crazy" girl.
You know what almost all abusive or questionable dudes have in common? All their ex-girlfriends are crazy. If you date these people, it is only a matter of time before you will be the next in a long line of "crazy" exes.
In fact, asking about exes is a good screening tool. If the guy is still friends with one or more -- good sign. If they are all crazy harpies? RUN.
he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
When people say negative stuff about themselves in this way, they're not telling you that it's something they're working on or something they feel badly about. They're telling you that this is how they are, that they have no intention of changing, and that the behavior is the baseline cost of admission to their friendship.
You can totally do better than these guys, and you totally deserve better than these guys. To get there, you may have to work on yourself a little. But that doesn't mean that their behaviors are your fault. It just means you need to work on choosing the right guys.
posted by pie ninja at 5:26 AM on April 17, 2015 [16 favorites]
The good news is that you can totally learn this! A therapist would probably be the most helpful route, but you can also check out books. I recommend starting with The Gift of Fear (which discusses how predatory or abusive guys try to push your boundaries).
A few examples of red flags you can learn to recognize:
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
GASLIGHTING. If things change and he says that you're remembering wrong.... odds are he's trying to gaslight you.
-Laughing at the fact I had asthma and my use of an inhaler
NEGGING. Tearing down your self-esteem so you feel like he's the best you can do.
This isnt the first time ive been made out to be some " irrational, emotional, crazy" girl.
You know what almost all abusive or questionable dudes have in common? All their ex-girlfriends are crazy. If you date these people, it is only a matter of time before you will be the next in a long line of "crazy" exes.
In fact, asking about exes is a good screening tool. If the guy is still friends with one or more -- good sign. If they are all crazy harpies? RUN.
he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
When people say negative stuff about themselves in this way, they're not telling you that it's something they're working on or something they feel badly about. They're telling you that this is how they are, that they have no intention of changing, and that the behavior is the baseline cost of admission to their friendship.
You can totally do better than these guys, and you totally deserve better than these guys. To get there, you may have to work on yourself a little. But that doesn't mean that their behaviors are your fault. It just means you need to work on choosing the right guys.
posted by pie ninja at 5:26 AM on April 17, 2015 [16 favorites]
I have some questions for you.
Did you grow up in a house where people yelled all the time? Where people were critical? Were you expected to keep secrets in your house and act like things were one way when they were actually another? For example, if somebody was constantly cruel and shitty and critical in one breath, and then indulgent and loving and nice in the next, were you supposed to ignore their shitty behavior and pretend it never happened?
Were you allowed to have your own feelings? Did anybody ask you how you felt about something? Were you allowed to take issue with things or disagree? Did people talk calmly to each other?
I ask these questions because it seems like you're looking for the answer to whose "fault" all of this is, and that to me sounds a lot like black and white thinking, and that sounds a lot like the kind of thinking that goes on in homes where there's yelling and fighting and being really critical of people, rather than acceptance and comfort in making mistakes and learning from them.
Any relationship is a negotiation. Ideally, the negotiation is pleasurable, and more like a treasure hunt than a biopsy. There is not one way to do things, or one good type of person and one bad type of person, or one way to think or be. And people usually enter these negotiations with boundaries in place and slowly, through the process of establishing trust, people show more of what's behind the boundary to the other person, knowing that the other person will be respectful and careful.
I'm going to suggest that you start working with a therapist because neither of these guys sounds like somebody whom you, as your healthiest, most self-confident self, would ever give the time of day to. There's no respecting of boundaries and gentleness, and careful exploration. It's all a big info dump and then inevitable disappointment. They sound like guys who are angry and bitter and who have the expectation that you're there to listen to their anger and bitterness. And that's just a waste of your time. It also sounds like you're angry, too, and have the expectation that you're going to find somebody who's not angry and who makes you feel good about yourself, and when that happens you won't feel the need to yell and curse. But that's not how it works, I'm afraid. You have to feel good about yourself, first. So does the guy.
Stop dating for a while and find a therapist. You can work all this out, I promise you. Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:45 AM on April 17, 2015 [30 favorites]
Did you grow up in a house where people yelled all the time? Where people were critical? Were you expected to keep secrets in your house and act like things were one way when they were actually another? For example, if somebody was constantly cruel and shitty and critical in one breath, and then indulgent and loving and nice in the next, were you supposed to ignore their shitty behavior and pretend it never happened?
Were you allowed to have your own feelings? Did anybody ask you how you felt about something? Were you allowed to take issue with things or disagree? Did people talk calmly to each other?
I ask these questions because it seems like you're looking for the answer to whose "fault" all of this is, and that to me sounds a lot like black and white thinking, and that sounds a lot like the kind of thinking that goes on in homes where there's yelling and fighting and being really critical of people, rather than acceptance and comfort in making mistakes and learning from them.
Any relationship is a negotiation. Ideally, the negotiation is pleasurable, and more like a treasure hunt than a biopsy. There is not one way to do things, or one good type of person and one bad type of person, or one way to think or be. And people usually enter these negotiations with boundaries in place and slowly, through the process of establishing trust, people show more of what's behind the boundary to the other person, knowing that the other person will be respectful and careful.
I'm going to suggest that you start working with a therapist because neither of these guys sounds like somebody whom you, as your healthiest, most self-confident self, would ever give the time of day to. There's no respecting of boundaries and gentleness, and careful exploration. It's all a big info dump and then inevitable disappointment. They sound like guys who are angry and bitter and who have the expectation that you're there to listen to their anger and bitterness. And that's just a waste of your time. It also sounds like you're angry, too, and have the expectation that you're going to find somebody who's not angry and who makes you feel good about yourself, and when that happens you won't feel the need to yell and curse. But that's not how it works, I'm afraid. You have to feel good about yourself, first. So does the guy.
Stop dating for a while and find a therapist. You can work all this out, I promise you. Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:45 AM on April 17, 2015 [30 favorites]
I'd say probably both, honestly. You say you have a streak of picking guys that act exactly the same- extremely poorly- And, well, they act extremely poorly.
"I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it"
Sweetie. No. Don't do this to yourself! Become the best you you can, outside of a relationship. (everybody has their flaws and issues and damage, granted) But the healthier you are, the healthier guy you tend to attract. Also, their red flags become more obvious, and less and less shit you need to put up with. You deserve better! Make a list of ALL the qualities you want in a guy. Physical, mental, attitude, habits. Some are flexible- don't dump a fantastic guy if hes an inch short and the eyes are the wrong colour. But if they treat you at all terrible- ESPECIALLY in the early days when things are suppost to be good and smooth!!!!- thats plenty to break up with them!
At a certain point, you have to protect yourself. An ideal relationship, they want to protect you too. You can find that. Just keep liking yourself, and loving yourself, and give yourself the best things.
posted by Jacen at 7:22 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
"I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it"
Sweetie. No. Don't do this to yourself! Become the best you you can, outside of a relationship. (everybody has their flaws and issues and damage, granted) But the healthier you are, the healthier guy you tend to attract. Also, their red flags become more obvious, and less and less shit you need to put up with. You deserve better! Make a list of ALL the qualities you want in a guy. Physical, mental, attitude, habits. Some are flexible- don't dump a fantastic guy if hes an inch short and the eyes are the wrong colour. But if they treat you at all terrible- ESPECIALLY in the early days when things are suppost to be good and smooth!!!!- thats plenty to break up with them!
At a certain point, you have to protect yourself. An ideal relationship, they want to protect you too. You can find that. Just keep liking yourself, and loving yourself, and give yourself the best things.
posted by Jacen at 7:22 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
First, the man I was dating (27 yr old)::
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
Those are symptoms that he's just not that into you. Not your fault. Move on.
And with the man that we became only friends (29 yr old)::
- he has said offensive and hurtful things, he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
The word for this is "asshole." Someone who insists that social interactions only occur on their terms. Not your fault. Move on.
the men I pick are all wrong and assholes
This, however, may be true. Indeed, it was true for the two guys above. And even if this kernel of potential truth came from one of the assholes, well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
So, it's not you. But it may be your choices. Good news! You always get to make new choices.
Go be awesome.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:08 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
Those are symptoms that he's just not that into you. Not your fault. Move on.
And with the man that we became only friends (29 yr old)::
- he has said offensive and hurtful things, he himself stated that he often "puts his foot in his mouth"
The word for this is "asshole." Someone who insists that social interactions only occur on their terms. Not your fault. Move on.
the men I pick are all wrong and assholes
This, however, may be true. Indeed, it was true for the two guys above. And even if this kernel of potential truth came from one of the assholes, well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
So, it's not you. But it may be your choices. Good news! You always get to make new choices.
Go be awesome.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:08 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yep, you need to see problems earlier and end it.
Why do you think you have a right to get angry with people?
Being angry is a sign you should pull back and lose their phone number. It's not a sign you should blow up and defend yourself. I.... I just can't see why you are bothering! DTMFA!!
On a gentler note -- are you suffering from childhood trauma or abuse? Was there a lot of emotional violence in your home growing up? You need to sort that baggage out and stop carrying it into every relationship. Put that pain down. Mimicking what happened over and over it is NOT magically going to make it OK. Someone hurt you. Process that and make adjustments. If you have family that continues to abuse you in this fashion, implement boundaries.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:10 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Why do you think you have a right to get angry with people?
Being angry is a sign you should pull back and lose their phone number. It's not a sign you should blow up and defend yourself. I.... I just can't see why you are bothering! DTMFA!!
On a gentler note -- are you suffering from childhood trauma or abuse? Was there a lot of emotional violence in your home growing up? You need to sort that baggage out and stop carrying it into every relationship. Put that pain down. Mimicking what happened over and over it is NOT magically going to make it OK. Someone hurt you. Process that and make adjustments. If you have family that continues to abuse you in this fashion, implement boundaries.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:10 AM on April 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Those guys sound horrible.
Telling women they are irrational, crazy, overly emotional, etc. is a really common manipulative tactic used by men. It often means that they don't know how to cope with the emotions and conflict that come in any relationship. They also can't handle the guilt and shame they feel when they hurt you. So they dismiss your feelings (you are crazy, so your anger or hurt doesn't merit any consideration) and blame you (you are crazy, so anything that went wrong is the result of your irrational anger and unreasonable demands and they don't need to feel bad.) This obsession with the idea that you are trying to "change" them is also a very bad sign. I mean, sure, dating should not be viewed as the equivalent of some reality TV makeover show, but people do change as a result of their relationships.
All that said, it sounds like you think you are too prone to start yelling and cursing at people when you get angry. If that's the case, then keep trying to work on that. When you do find someone to better to date, it will be good if you can express anger and handle conflict in a way that doesn't quickly escalate into two people yelling at each other.
posted by Area Man at 8:18 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Telling women they are irrational, crazy, overly emotional, etc. is a really common manipulative tactic used by men. It often means that they don't know how to cope with the emotions and conflict that come in any relationship. They also can't handle the guilt and shame they feel when they hurt you. So they dismiss your feelings (you are crazy, so your anger or hurt doesn't merit any consideration) and blame you (you are crazy, so anything that went wrong is the result of your irrational anger and unreasonable demands and they don't need to feel bad.) This obsession with the idea that you are trying to "change" them is also a very bad sign. I mean, sure, dating should not be viewed as the equivalent of some reality TV makeover show, but people do change as a result of their relationships.
All that said, it sounds like you think you are too prone to start yelling and cursing at people when you get angry. If that's the case, then keep trying to work on that. When you do find someone to better to date, it will be good if you can express anger and handle conflict in a way that doesn't quickly escalate into two people yelling at each other.
posted by Area Man at 8:18 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
No no no, you just dated a couple of assholes. Lying, gaslighting, not following through on promises, and belittling are behaviors that have no place in a healthy relationship. You were absolutely right to call them out.
As for it being your fault that you chose these assholes? I don't think you should blame yourself for that either. It's not like they walked around wearing t-shirts that said "I AM AN ASSHOLE." They probably acted pretty nice at first. It's not your fault. And then when they did show their true colors, you called them out and got out. Good on you.
posted by Asparagus at 9:31 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
As for it being your fault that you chose these assholes? I don't think you should blame yourself for that either. It's not like they walked around wearing t-shirts that said "I AM AN ASSHOLE." They probably acted pretty nice at first. It's not your fault. And then when they did show their true colors, you called them out and got out. Good on you.
posted by Asparagus at 9:31 AM on April 17, 2015 [4 favorites]
Am I choosing the wrong men?
It's probably just luck of the draw. But yes, the two men you described are wrong.
Is it really all my fault in the end because of my reactions of yelling and cursing, no matter what these men said and did to me?
Well, no. It is not your fault that the guys were jerks. And also, anyone who tells you that a relationship dynamic is "all your fault" is a psychopath.
You are responsible, however, for your decision to stick around with assholes. Take this as a learning opportunity: If someone makes you so angry that you find yourself compelled to yell and curse at them (or just generally be enraged), then you are not compatible. Move on.
Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know. Like I said, could be luck of the draw. Maybe it's also to help you realize the kinds of qualities that you do not like in potential partners. Sort of like learning your preferences by process of elimination. In the future, eliminate guys like these guys.
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
What you can do is change your reaction to assholes from "stick around" to "leave".
posted by Gray Skies at 9:51 AM on April 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's probably just luck of the draw. But yes, the two men you described are wrong.
Is it really all my fault in the end because of my reactions of yelling and cursing, no matter what these men said and did to me?
Well, no. It is not your fault that the guys were jerks. And also, anyone who tells you that a relationship dynamic is "all your fault" is a psychopath.
You are responsible, however, for your decision to stick around with assholes. Take this as a learning opportunity: If someone makes you so angry that you find yourself compelled to yell and curse at them (or just generally be enraged), then you are not compatible. Move on.
Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know. Like I said, could be luck of the draw. Maybe it's also to help you realize the kinds of qualities that you do not like in potential partners. Sort of like learning your preferences by process of elimination. In the future, eliminate guys like these guys.
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
What you can do is change your reaction to assholes from "stick around" to "leave".
posted by Gray Skies at 9:51 AM on April 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Am I choosing the wrong men? Is it really all my fault in the end because of my reactions of yelling and cursing, no matter what these men said and did to me?
Why does this keep happening to me?
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
I think you're being way, way, way to hard on yourself. You were just dating these guys for a few months, right? And their behavior didn't sit well with you, and you communicated about that. That's not choosing the wrong men. That's a crappy string of luck with dating. It happens to almost everyone and it sucks. I'm really sorry. All you can do is look back and think about what you would want to change about your behavior.
If I were you I would look at why you went to a place of yelling and swearing at someone. That's unacceptable if you want to have a respectful relationship. But it sounded like the thing with the negging head case of a 29-year-old was as good as done anyway. His idiocy might push anyone over the edge, and you mention you are working/have worked on that.
I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it.
Stop. This. Now. You are a grown-ass woman. You don't need someone to see you have an owie and make it all better for you. The woman who changes herself for a man/hopes he will change someday is a sad fable. You just demonstrated that you can communicate when something doesn't feel right to you. Do that respectfully, and if all you get is guilt-tripping about something you're trying to work out in an adult way, move on to the next guy.
Everything becomes My fault and I'm the one to blame for breakups.
Manipulation 101. Gee, I wonder why these princes are single.
First, the man I was dating (27 yr old)::
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
-Even though we agreed to be exclusive, he was still on the dating website we met on
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
So, just one more thing. This guy sounds like a flake to me. Maybe he was flakey because he was lukewarm about you. Maybe he was seeing a few different people at once during the short time you were together. Maybe he's just an egotistical person who can't be bothered to honor his commitments to other people. However, getting angry with him over not texting/calling when he said is never usually a good use of energy. Either the person seriously had a good excuse, or they're demonstrating that they're not super interested in you and you should probably set up a date with someone else. You are worth texting/calling.
But the failure to take down his dating profile? I don't see why this is a problem, even after he said you two would be exclusive. Maybe that's just me - I met my husband online, and I'm sure both of us have our profiles still up (and long neglected). I changed my settings to "seeing someone" but didn't take it down. We became exclusive about two months in, and I felt great about everything, but at that stage, anything could still happen. I had previously dated a guy who wanted to be exclusive with me and then broke up with me a week and a half later. I was so glad that I didn't have to go through any extra trouble on his account to get back into dating. That was five years ago, so maybe I'm totally out of touch with how it's done now, but I'm just saying I personally wouldn't freak out about someone still having a profile up a few months in.
Anyway, I just want to close my LOOOOONG answer with saying that you are doing the right things by getting out there, expressing yourself, and doing some introspection when things don't go the way you like. Almost all of us "pick the wrong ones" at some point. It's a matter of figuring out there's a problem a month in rather than a year in or a pregnancy in. I wish I could buy you a beer to cry into. But I'm sure you'll be fine!
posted by Pearl928 at 12:27 PM on April 17, 2015
Why does this keep happening to me?
What can I do to change this from reoccurring with another man?
I think you're being way, way, way to hard on yourself. You were just dating these guys for a few months, right? And their behavior didn't sit well with you, and you communicated about that. That's not choosing the wrong men. That's a crappy string of luck with dating. It happens to almost everyone and it sucks. I'm really sorry. All you can do is look back and think about what you would want to change about your behavior.
If I were you I would look at why you went to a place of yelling and swearing at someone. That's unacceptable if you want to have a respectful relationship. But it sounded like the thing with the negging head case of a 29-year-old was as good as done anyway. His idiocy might push anyone over the edge, and you mention you are working/have worked on that.
I stuck around with each guy that blamed me, tried hard to change and hoped they would one day see how they are hurting me , and would do something about it.
Stop. This. Now. You are a grown-ass woman. You don't need someone to see you have an owie and make it all better for you. The woman who changes herself for a man/hopes he will change someday is a sad fable. You just demonstrated that you can communicate when something doesn't feel right to you. Do that respectfully, and if all you get is guilt-tripping about something you're trying to work out in an adult way, move on to the next guy.
Everything becomes My fault and I'm the one to blame for breakups.
Manipulation 101. Gee, I wonder why these princes are single.
First, the man I was dating (27 yr old)::
-Not calling/texting when he promised ,and did this over and over
-Even though we agreed to be exclusive, he was still on the dating website we met on
-Getting intimate and him saying he loves me, made me his girlfriend, only to go back on all of this later and say he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now
So, just one more thing. This guy sounds like a flake to me. Maybe he was flakey because he was lukewarm about you. Maybe he was seeing a few different people at once during the short time you were together. Maybe he's just an egotistical person who can't be bothered to honor his commitments to other people. However, getting angry with him over not texting/calling when he said is never usually a good use of energy. Either the person seriously had a good excuse, or they're demonstrating that they're not super interested in you and you should probably set up a date with someone else. You are worth texting/calling.
But the failure to take down his dating profile? I don't see why this is a problem, even after he said you two would be exclusive. Maybe that's just me - I met my husband online, and I'm sure both of us have our profiles still up (and long neglected). I changed my settings to "seeing someone" but didn't take it down. We became exclusive about two months in, and I felt great about everything, but at that stage, anything could still happen. I had previously dated a guy who wanted to be exclusive with me and then broke up with me a week and a half later. I was so glad that I didn't have to go through any extra trouble on his account to get back into dating. That was five years ago, so maybe I'm totally out of touch with how it's done now, but I'm just saying I personally wouldn't freak out about someone still having a profile up a few months in.
Anyway, I just want to close my LOOOOONG answer with saying that you are doing the right things by getting out there, expressing yourself, and doing some introspection when things don't go the way you like. Almost all of us "pick the wrong ones" at some point. It's a matter of figuring out there's a problem a month in rather than a year in or a pregnancy in. I wish I could buy you a beer to cry into. But I'm sure you'll be fine!
posted by Pearl928 at 12:27 PM on April 17, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
2. Unfortunately, sometimes douchebags can accurately point out behavior they don't like.
a. If only one person points out a thing about you - you can ignore it.
b. If multiple people unrelated to each other point out a thing - give it some thought and work on it.
c. It probably keeps happening because you aren't really aware you're making shitty choices in men and/or how you choose to function.
d. To keep it from occurring again, take yourself off the market and assess what you want and how you want to live.
e. 27 is super young. RELAX.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:56 AM on April 17, 2015 [17 favorites]