Need relationship advice
April 14, 2015 11:16 PM Subscribe
So this is an interesting relationship situation for sure, but I need advice:
Back in January I started talking with a woman. We were "introduced" through a mutual friend. We talked through Facebook and text for a little bit and agreed to meet for a first date. Everything went well, and she even texted me later asking when I was going to ask when I would see her again.
We ended up forming a "Friends with benefits" type of relationship. She had an 8 year-long relationship which ended approximately one year ago, so I was trying to take things slow. The sex was actually her idea.
Things were going well until approximately three weeks ago. She started birth control and started to ignore me. At first, I was assuming it had to do with a combination of the hormones and her previous relationship. She finally responded to me, saying she had just found out her ex had a new girlfriend, and she was currently in a state of "hating men." We texted off and on for a couple of weeks, and last Thursday she said she would have dinner with me (out of nowhere). Dinner went well, and during dinner she said since she currently was angry with men, she "could only be friends with [me] for now.
On Sunday, we made plans to have dinner again. Yesterday, I texted her asking her why it was okay for other men to flirt with her, but when I did it it was considered "boyfriend/girlfriend" stuff and she threatened to stop talking to me (This is bad over text, I know, but I can't take it back). She said I obviously had problems with other men flirting with her (I didn't; I just wanted clarification on what was acceptable behavior from me), and told me to stop talking to her.
Now obviously, I am not going to keep trying to talk to her for now. What I want to know if this is something I should just give up on at this point, or if her behavior suggests I should wait and let time tell. I love her already, which is something rare for me. FWIW, I am confident she isn't sleeping with anyone else. She had told me she needed to "sort herself out" and I believe that. Please take my word on those last two points because I believe I have been able to get to know her enough to trust her on that.
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic. This is the first time she has actually asked me to stop talking to her.
I obviously haven't disclosed our entire dynamic, but I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her. Any advice is appreciated.
Back in January I started talking with a woman. We were "introduced" through a mutual friend. We talked through Facebook and text for a little bit and agreed to meet for a first date. Everything went well, and she even texted me later asking when I was going to ask when I would see her again.
We ended up forming a "Friends with benefits" type of relationship. She had an 8 year-long relationship which ended approximately one year ago, so I was trying to take things slow. The sex was actually her idea.
Things were going well until approximately three weeks ago. She started birth control and started to ignore me. At first, I was assuming it had to do with a combination of the hormones and her previous relationship. She finally responded to me, saying she had just found out her ex had a new girlfriend, and she was currently in a state of "hating men." We texted off and on for a couple of weeks, and last Thursday she said she would have dinner with me (out of nowhere). Dinner went well, and during dinner she said since she currently was angry with men, she "could only be friends with [me] for now.
On Sunday, we made plans to have dinner again. Yesterday, I texted her asking her why it was okay for other men to flirt with her, but when I did it it was considered "boyfriend/girlfriend" stuff and she threatened to stop talking to me (This is bad over text, I know, but I can't take it back). She said I obviously had problems with other men flirting with her (I didn't; I just wanted clarification on what was acceptable behavior from me), and told me to stop talking to her.
Now obviously, I am not going to keep trying to talk to her for now. What I want to know if this is something I should just give up on at this point, or if her behavior suggests I should wait and let time tell. I love her already, which is something rare for me. FWIW, I am confident she isn't sleeping with anyone else. She had told me she needed to "sort herself out" and I believe that. Please take my word on those last two points because I believe I have been able to get to know her enough to trust her on that.
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic. This is the first time she has actually asked me to stop talking to her.
I obviously haven't disclosed our entire dynamic, but I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her. Any advice is appreciated.
Not to be heartless, but I think you're a rebound partner and you're being slow-motion dumped. The relationship is only 3-4 months old and you've already been through her asking to end the relationship three times - whether she's having scary feelings for you or not, this is not a healthy, sustainable way to be in a relationship.
posted by gingerest at 11:31 PM on April 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 11:31 PM on April 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
I think what's really going on is that she's feeling angry about other stuff in life and was already asking for space, and instead of backing off, you sent that text.
Because it points out an inconsistency in her behavior, that text doesn't come across as a question, more like a "gotcha." To make her behavior toward you and other men consistent, she'd either have to do something with you she doesn't want to do (let you flirt with her) or let you control her behavior with other men (not let them flirt with her). Either way, it seems like a text that is pressuring her to do something. That's how I'd receive it, anyway.
Ultimately, I don't think FWB situations work when one party has fallen in love. Also, thinking this -- "she started to get feelings for me and it scares her" -- rather than believing what she is saying to you is disrespectful. Imagine how you'd feel if you said "I don't want pizza," and someone said "I think you just started realizing how much you want pizza and it scares you." You'd rightly be like "get outta my face with that psychological stuff -- I told you I don't want pizza!"
posted by salvia at 11:31 PM on April 14, 2015 [27 favorites]
Because it points out an inconsistency in her behavior, that text doesn't come across as a question, more like a "gotcha." To make her behavior toward you and other men consistent, she'd either have to do something with you she doesn't want to do (let you flirt with her) or let you control her behavior with other men (not let them flirt with her). Either way, it seems like a text that is pressuring her to do something. That's how I'd receive it, anyway.
Ultimately, I don't think FWB situations work when one party has fallen in love. Also, thinking this -- "she started to get feelings for me and it scares her" -- rather than believing what she is saying to you is disrespectful. Imagine how you'd feel if you said "I don't want pizza," and someone said "I think you just started realizing how much you want pizza and it scares you." You'd rightly be like "get outta my face with that psychological stuff -- I told you I don't want pizza!"
posted by salvia at 11:31 PM on April 14, 2015 [27 favorites]
She said she doesn't want to act like you're boyfriend & girlfriend. She's said she only wants to be friends. If someone straight-out tells you what they want, I think you should believe them.
Keeping on sounds like a recipe for heartache. Even if she has feelings for you, she's not interested in acting on them-- not right now and quite possibly never.
posted by BungaDunga at 11:42 PM on April 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Keeping on sounds like a recipe for heartache. Even if she has feelings for you, she's not interested in acting on them-- not right now and quite possibly never.
posted by BungaDunga at 11:42 PM on April 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Bud, it's not working out well for you, or for her, cause you want different things in the relationship at this point in time. Let it go.
posted by smoke at 11:47 PM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by smoke at 11:47 PM on April 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
She sounds emotionally abusive, and uh, do you realize this?
At no point does this sound like a relationship, it does sound exactly like she was using you, though. Not in a malicious way (well, until the end) but in a very immature and selfish way.
Anyway, what she did (if you are still reading) is a classic manipulation move -- it's designed to fuck with your head and make you think you are in love with her. You could think of it as a sort of sales technique.
The problem is, she is hating you and hurting you as a proxy for her ex. She's not really that into you, and I agree with others that she's slow motion dumping you.
I only explain all of this so you can hopefully get your emotions under control. You don't love her, it just feels that way. She's actually kinda horrible to you, and that alone should be a giant turn off for you.
I'm very sorry. You might want to read some pick-up artist books or blogs, because I swear to you, this is just manipulation. I want you to read up on it so you don't fall for it again.
In no way did she do this on purpose. She's emotionally dysfunctional and the behavior she has displayed is textbook for someone like her. She can not be "fixed" or helped. She's on her own path. Protect yourself. Block her and move on. Be healthy. Put this one back in the ocean and keep fishing. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:52 PM on April 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
At no point does this sound like a relationship, it does sound exactly like she was using you, though. Not in a malicious way (well, until the end) but in a very immature and selfish way.
Anyway, what she did (if you are still reading) is a classic manipulation move -- it's designed to fuck with your head and make you think you are in love with her. You could think of it as a sort of sales technique.
The problem is, she is hating you and hurting you as a proxy for her ex. She's not really that into you, and I agree with others that she's slow motion dumping you.
I only explain all of this so you can hopefully get your emotions under control. You don't love her, it just feels that way. She's actually kinda horrible to you, and that alone should be a giant turn off for you.
I'm very sorry. You might want to read some pick-up artist books or blogs, because I swear to you, this is just manipulation. I want you to read up on it so you don't fall for it again.
In no way did she do this on purpose. She's emotionally dysfunctional and the behavior she has displayed is textbook for someone like her. She can not be "fixed" or helped. She's on her own path. Protect yourself. Block her and move on. Be healthy. Put this one back in the ocean and keep fishing. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 11:52 PM on April 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
She has told you she can't be your romantic partner. Take her at her word.
Further, she sounds erratic, and she seems to be taking our some of her anger (at her ex) on you. That's a bullshit move on her part. You can do better. Move on.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:58 PM on April 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Further, she sounds erratic, and she seems to be taking our some of her anger (at her ex) on you. That's a bullshit move on her part. You can do better. Move on.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:58 PM on April 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
She's treating you badly--as best I can tell without any particularly good reason for doing so.
There are many women who would not treat you badly. Cutting ties and just being alone until you find one of the ones who doesn't treat you badly seems better than continuing to exert effort for the chance to receive what will likely be more bad treatment, ne c'est pas?
posted by pdq at 11:59 PM on April 14, 2015
There are many women who would not treat you badly. Cutting ties and just being alone until you find one of the ones who doesn't treat you badly seems better than continuing to exert effort for the chance to receive what will likely be more bad treatment, ne c'est pas?
posted by pdq at 11:59 PM on April 14, 2015
When she says to be left alone and "sort herself out" after a previous partnership, that can be a really important thing in a person's life. There is no reason to assume that she has gotten any feelings for you just because she's acting like she is (there is also no reason to assume that that's not the case, but it simply doesn't seem the issue here).
I would let it slide. Ask yourself what perspective a person who periodically hates men will give you in the medium-long run.
posted by Namlit at 12:14 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would let it slide. Ask yourself what perspective a person who periodically hates men will give you in the medium-long run.
posted by Namlit at 12:14 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
She finally responded to me, saying she had just found out her ex had a new girlfriend, and she was currently in a state of "hating men."
So, she's allowed to move on and enter into other relationships, but her ex isn't allowed to because she'll get jealous and upset and start hating you by virtue of the fact you and he share a gender? She sounds emotionally immature, and someone who will do a 180 on you over something that isn't even related to you is not the sort of person that it's good to have in your life. She's rubbing your nose in the fact that other men can flirt with her but you can't. That's messed up.
Three times she's turned on you now. Take the hint. Or you'll spend your relationship being confused by someone else's childish behaviour. She's apparently not mature enough to cut things off, so you need to do it for your own sake.
posted by Solomon at 12:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
So, she's allowed to move on and enter into other relationships, but her ex isn't allowed to because she'll get jealous and upset and start hating you by virtue of the fact you and he share a gender? She sounds emotionally immature, and someone who will do a 180 on you over something that isn't even related to you is not the sort of person that it's good to have in your life. She's rubbing your nose in the fact that other men can flirt with her but you can't. That's messed up.
Three times she's turned on you now. Take the hint. Or you'll spend your relationship being confused by someone else's childish behaviour. She's apparently not mature enough to cut things off, so you need to do it for your own sake.
posted by Solomon at 12:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
and told me to stop talking to her
Which is exactly what you should do
posted by Kwadeng at 1:21 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Which is exactly what you should do
posted by Kwadeng at 1:21 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
She told you to stop talking to her, so do that.
If she comes back, continue not to talk to her because she is jerking you around. It's exactly as jbenben said.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but please, save yourself the trouble.
posted by tel3path at 2:12 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
If she comes back, continue not to talk to her because she is jerking you around. It's exactly as jbenben said.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but please, save yourself the trouble.
posted by tel3path at 2:12 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yesterday, I texted her asking her why it was okay for other men to flirt with her, but when I did it it was considered "boyfriend/girlfriend" stuff.
Hey, look, I found the answer, it was right there in your post:
I love her already
She sounds flakey and immature, but I think people are dumping on her a little hard here by making this entirely her fault. You're either the most oblivious person in the world or you're going out of her way to push her buttons.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:24 AM on April 15, 2015 [13 favorites]
Hey, look, I found the answer, it was right there in your post:
I love her already
She sounds flakey and immature, but I think people are dumping on her a little hard here by making this entirely her fault. You're either the most oblivious person in the world or you're going out of her way to push her buttons.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:24 AM on April 15, 2015 [13 favorites]
You want to know if you should keep some hope alive? I really don't think so. It sounds like the emotional investment is really heavy on your side, and really iffy on hers. Don't wait around and hope she decides to get more serious.
So to agree with everyone else- she's just not that into you.
Don't wait around and hope she decides to get more serious. It's really not good for you and you will feel resentful when she starts dating a dude that isn't you. No matter what she says about "hating men," it's really just a way to soften "i just want to be friends with you."
OK- now this next part might read a little harsh, but please don't take it that way. The reason why she can flirt with other men and it doesn't bother her is simple. She doesn't like you that way, and she's trying to put up boundaries. Who she accepts/participates in flirtation with is super duper not your business, and she doesn't have to be consistent. Now, if she is flirting with a bunch of dudes in front of you or is telling you about it- that's really tacky on her part, BUT you still aren't owed any justification as to why she won't flirt with you.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:00 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
So to agree with everyone else- she's just not that into you.
Don't wait around and hope she decides to get more serious. It's really not good for you and you will feel resentful when she starts dating a dude that isn't you. No matter what she says about "hating men," it's really just a way to soften "i just want to be friends with you."
OK- now this next part might read a little harsh, but please don't take it that way. The reason why she can flirt with other men and it doesn't bother her is simple. She doesn't like you that way, and she's trying to put up boundaries. Who she accepts/participates in flirtation with is super duper not your business, and she doesn't have to be consistent. Now, if she is flirting with a bunch of dudes in front of you or is telling you about it- that's really tacky on her part, BUT you still aren't owed any justification as to why she won't flirt with you.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:00 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
The dinner where she said she could only be friends was her attempt to end things, and for some reason it didn't take, so she had to be more blunt with the "stop talking to me" message. I'm guessing the subsequent dinner was not her idea, and might have been something you were pushing pretty hard for.
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic. This is the first time she has actually asked me to stop talking to her.
Time to cut your losses, I think. The best you can expect from her is another few rounds of this. It's not what you want and it's not going to satisfy you. And the more you invest in this non-relationship, the more it will hurt when it falls apart.
I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her.
Sorry, but no. She's realized you have feelings for her and she is not interested.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:19 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic. This is the first time she has actually asked me to stop talking to her.
Time to cut your losses, I think. The best you can expect from her is another few rounds of this. It's not what you want and it's not going to satisfy you. And the more you invest in this non-relationship, the more it will hurt when it falls apart.
I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her.
Sorry, but no. She's realized you have feelings for her and she is not interested.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:19 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
January to April is not such a huge sunk cost. Personally I would not choose to try flogging this one along until December.
posted by flabdablet at 5:56 AM on April 15, 2015
posted by flabdablet at 5:56 AM on April 15, 2015
I have been to more than a few goat ropings and a rodeo. I can tell you, absolutely unequivocally, that the sooner you get away from this person (as in cut all contact) the sooner you can get on toward something better. No way this can end well, end it NOW. Or, we can all look forward to hearing more about this persons drama on askme in a few months.
posted by jcworth at 6:07 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jcworth at 6:07 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
Long drawn out drama sucks, and that's just what this is lining up to be. Stop talking to her and if she gets in contact with you later then you can work it out from there. This relationship is dead in the water right now.
posted by h00py at 6:11 AM on April 15, 2015
posted by h00py at 6:11 AM on April 15, 2015
She's being flat out mean and manipulative (can only be friends because she's "angry with men," my ass -- give me a break). I don't know what going through her head, but it doesn't matter. Stop talking to her and move on, not for her but for you.
posted by holborne at 6:21 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by holborne at 6:21 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
the reason she can flirt with other men and not you is because she knows you caught feelings. the only way friends with benefits work is if both people stay friends only, in mind and deed, or if both people fall in love and move into a real relationship. you've fallen, she hasn't. she's been trying to tell you that but you keep pushing for a return to normalcy while acting like you haven't changed the landscape. this isn't working for either of you. time to move on.
posted by nadawi at 6:22 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:22 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
She was broken when you got her. You can't fix her. If you continue to try, she will continue to hurt you. You sound like a great guy and many women would love the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff that you have to offer. This woman sounds very controlling. Chances are, when you stop calling her, she will try to get back with you, because she likes controlling you. Don't let her enjoy your pain.
posted by myselfasme at 6:22 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 6:22 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, she has not started to get feelings for you. She is not scared by that.
She can tell that you have feelings for her. You want more, now. In her mind, this is in violation of your booty call/FWB agreement. She doesn't like you like that, she never did, and she never will. But, if I had to guess, she's annoyed that you have fucked up her FWB situation and that she may have to explain this to you or end it. She's handling this in a particularly immature or hurtful way, and that's why it's hard for you to get and you don't understand why she's hurting you.
By the way, she didn't start taking birth control again because of your "relationship" or arrangement with her. She started taking birth control because she's interested in getting some strange, or getting into or progressing a relationship (but not with you).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
She can tell that you have feelings for her. You want more, now. In her mind, this is in violation of your booty call/FWB agreement. She doesn't like you like that, she never did, and she never will. But, if I had to guess, she's annoyed that you have fucked up her FWB situation and that she may have to explain this to you or end it. She's handling this in a particularly immature or hurtful way, and that's why it's hard for you to get and you don't understand why she's hurting you.
By the way, she didn't start taking birth control again because of your "relationship" or arrangement with her. She started taking birth control because she's interested in getting some strange, or getting into or progressing a relationship (but not with you).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, the birth control thing is a huge sign. Obviously it's not intended for you or she'd be sleeping with you. There are some other non-sexual reasons women take birth control but if it has any side effects...it's a pain in the butt that you only take for a good reason.
Don't fall in love with damaged people who only want you as a rebound. You had to have seen this coming at some point, dude. I mean, maybe tell her how you feel flat out and say "I think we need to end this friends-with-benefits arrangement for both our sakes." Maybe way down the line you can rekindle things. But this mess just needs a clean break at this point.
posted by quincunx at 7:02 AM on April 15, 2015
Don't fall in love with damaged people who only want you as a rebound. You had to have seen this coming at some point, dude. I mean, maybe tell her how you feel flat out and say "I think we need to end this friends-with-benefits arrangement for both our sakes." Maybe way down the line you can rekindle things. But this mess just needs a clean break at this point.
posted by quincunx at 7:02 AM on April 15, 2015
She sounds kind of nutty and flaky ("I can't talk to you because I'm currently hating men right now." Really? ), but you also sound like you're really misreading the situation. Basically you don't sound like a great combination for each other even if she did want to keep talking to you. Which apparently she doesn't, so don't.
posted by Kimmalah at 7:04 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kimmalah at 7:04 AM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've been you before. At least, to the limits of the details you're willing to share.
I don't think there is just one way to characterize the situation, but to me it seems like she's still reacting to the break-up. Reacting - as in "reactive". She's not looking to be fair or consistent, so when you texted her (and, basically, called her on her inconsistencies) she shut you down.
She's had sex with you. Sometimes when people come out of a relationship, they decide they want to have sex with a number of people. Something you should probably keep in mind.
This kind of behavior is why you so often see people here on the green advising against dating someone who is just coming out of a long-term relationship.
You really have a choice here: you can either end it - basically vow to have nothing to do with her again.
Or you may decide there's something worthwhile there - even though it's simply never going to be a completely satisfying loving relationship.
In either case, you do the same thing: back off, give her space, do what you can do about falling OUT of love with her, find other things to do with your time - ideally, find someone new who appreciates you more, and you'll just forget about this other person.
If one day she calls you up from out of the blue - you can either tell her "no more" (probably the smarter thing to do) or you can start things up with her again (although if you are seeing someone else, I hope that you will be mindful of their feelings).
If it helps at all - and I'm sorry if this offends anyone's delicate sensibilities - but at least you had intimate relations with her. It's worse when this kind of 'relationship' ends unrequited. As that one playwright guy said "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
posted by doctor tough love at 7:06 AM on April 15, 2015
I don't think there is just one way to characterize the situation, but to me it seems like she's still reacting to the break-up. Reacting - as in "reactive". She's not looking to be fair or consistent, so when you texted her (and, basically, called her on her inconsistencies) she shut you down.
She's had sex with you. Sometimes when people come out of a relationship, they decide they want to have sex with a number of people. Something you should probably keep in mind.
This kind of behavior is why you so often see people here on the green advising against dating someone who is just coming out of a long-term relationship.
You really have a choice here: you can either end it - basically vow to have nothing to do with her again.
Or you may decide there's something worthwhile there - even though it's simply never going to be a completely satisfying loving relationship.
In either case, you do the same thing: back off, give her space, do what you can do about falling OUT of love with her, find other things to do with your time - ideally, find someone new who appreciates you more, and you'll just forget about this other person.
If one day she calls you up from out of the blue - you can either tell her "no more" (probably the smarter thing to do) or you can start things up with her again (although if you are seeing someone else, I hope that you will be mindful of their feelings).
If it helps at all - and I'm sorry if this offends anyone's delicate sensibilities - but at least you had intimate relations with her. It's worse when this kind of 'relationship' ends unrequited. As that one playwright guy said "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
posted by doctor tough love at 7:06 AM on April 15, 2015
i take her extreme statements as her trying anything to enforce her boundaries that you keep stepping over. i've said similar things to "nice guys" who won't take "i'm just not that into you" no matter how many different ways i said it. it was easier to come off as a man hating jerk than it was to explain that you couldn't pump me full of niceness tokens and receive love.
there's also nothing inconsistent with a woman choosing to flirt with some people and to not flirt with other people. she gets to choose what sort of affection she gives and receives. it seems to me that she's being incredibly clear and you keep trying to find an out where this friends with benefits situation moves into the relationship you want. that isn't going to happen. friends with benefits isn't a way to "take things slow," it's a completely different track than a relationship.
posted by nadawi at 7:10 AM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]
there's also nothing inconsistent with a woman choosing to flirt with some people and to not flirt with other people. she gets to choose what sort of affection she gives and receives. it seems to me that she's being incredibly clear and you keep trying to find an out where this friends with benefits situation moves into the relationship you want. that isn't going to happen. friends with benefits isn't a way to "take things slow," it's a completely different track than a relationship.
posted by nadawi at 7:10 AM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]
this is an interesting relationship situation for sure
Another person chiming in to say that it doesn't seem that interesting to me - she doesn't want a relationship with you. I was expecting one of you to have a research posting in the Amazon with no internet access for 2 years, or someone's family member being charged with murder, or something like that. This is just a straightforward "it didn't work out". Move on.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:14 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
Another person chiming in to say that it doesn't seem that interesting to me - she doesn't want a relationship with you. I was expecting one of you to have a research posting in the Amazon with no internet access for 2 years, or someone's family member being charged with murder, or something like that. This is just a straightforward "it didn't work out". Move on.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:14 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
The reason it is ok for other guys to flirt with her is that she is not in a committed relationship, and thus is available for flirting. You honestly have no claim on her dating life. Sorry mate, it stinks. I know. But this sounds like a rebound on her part.
Also, my definition of FWB means you have zero claim on even knowing if shes seeing/sleeping with other men. (as long as shes safe with you, etc)
You want more out of this FWB than she is willing to give, and she knows it. Move on.
posted by Jacen at 8:13 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, my definition of FWB means you have zero claim on even knowing if shes seeing/sleeping with other men. (as long as shes safe with you, etc)
You want more out of this FWB than she is willing to give, and she knows it. Move on.
posted by Jacen at 8:13 AM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
The sooner you can learn that this:
I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her.
is never, ever the answer, the easier the rest of your life will be.
This lady wanted a FWB relationship and you were never truly on board with this--like nadawi says, they're different tracks. FWB is not "relationship phase 1." It's the whole thing.
Frankly, while she's being kind of flaky and harsh, I'm not sure based on your mindset that anything else would work. She. Ain't. Your. Girlfriend. and that is what she keeps telling you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:58 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
I can't help but think she started to get feelings for me and it scares her.
is never, ever the answer, the easier the rest of your life will be.
This lady wanted a FWB relationship and you were never truly on board with this--like nadawi says, they're different tracks. FWB is not "relationship phase 1." It's the whole thing.
Frankly, while she's being kind of flaky and harsh, I'm not sure based on your mindset that anything else would work. She. Ain't. Your. Girlfriend. and that is what she keeps telling you.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:58 AM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]
You should give up on your hopes of having a romantic relationship with this woman. She doesn't seem interested(some combination of how she specifically feels about you and more generally not wanting to be in a relationship right now, I'd guess). She knows she could start sleeping with you again at a moment's notice and hasn't availed herself of the opportunity. She has also presumably picked up on the fact that you'd like to be much more than friends with benefits and has not responded by showing similar interest. In fact, she's pulled away from you.
I would suggest you try to move on with your life. Mourn the loss of your hopes to one day have a romantic relationship with this woman and then try to put yourself back out there.
Even if she reaches out to you at some point in the future, you should be wary. I think you could let yourself get hurt by reading too much into some temporary interest on her part that stems from feeling lonely or just wanting to get laid. It is really easy for her to hurt you because (1) she's a bit of a mess and (2) there is an imbalance in how you two feel about each other. She's done the right thing for both of you by cutting off contact.
posted by Area Man at 9:12 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would suggest you try to move on with your life. Mourn the loss of your hopes to one day have a romantic relationship with this woman and then try to put yourself back out there.
Even if she reaches out to you at some point in the future, you should be wary. I think you could let yourself get hurt by reading too much into some temporary interest on her part that stems from feeling lonely or just wanting to get laid. It is really easy for her to hurt you because (1) she's a bit of a mess and (2) there is an imbalance in how you two feel about each other. She's done the right thing for both of you by cutting off contact.
posted by Area Man at 9:12 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Move on. You sound like a nice guy and she sounds like she was trying to fill a huge gap left by her ex with someone else, but realized she still fantasizes about things with the ex working out or something.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:25 AM on April 15, 2015
posted by WeekendJen at 9:25 AM on April 15, 2015
The beginning of a relationship (first year or two) should be the fun, easy part.
Right now, your chances of having a long-term, joyful relationship with this person sound very, very low.
posted by neeta at 9:50 AM on April 15, 2015
Right now, your chances of having a long-term, joyful relationship with this person sound very, very low.
posted by neeta at 9:50 AM on April 15, 2015
FWB is not "relationship phase 1." It's the whole thing.
Bingo.
posted by adamp88 at 10:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bingo.
posted by adamp88 at 10:41 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Human relationships are on a push-pull cycle. She's pushing you away. So stay away. Then, she'll wonder why you haven't called. Then she'll call you.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:46 AM on April 15, 2015
posted by Ironmouth at 10:46 AM on April 15, 2015
January was 4 months ago.
Love, actual real fucking love, usually takes quite a while longer to develop...as in years. Lust, affection, interest, infatuation... all are beginning stages of what eventually becomes love, which is an act, not a feeling.
It's what carries you through relationship difficulties. Fight a bear, donate a kidney, take a bullet, protect at all costs... that's some love stuff. Fretting over rejection.. not in the same club.
Do you think maybe it's more likely you mourn the death of potential here? Humans adore obsessing over what they can't have, and learn to ignore what they do have. Her withdrawal is stoking the fires of your (list of feelings that are not love) very nicely.
It's what her ex's actions are doing to her.
And maybe it's driving you both a little crazy?
3.5 billion women to go before you find one that works. Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 10:50 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
Love, actual real fucking love, usually takes quite a while longer to develop...as in years. Lust, affection, interest, infatuation... all are beginning stages of what eventually becomes love, which is an act, not a feeling.
It's what carries you through relationship difficulties. Fight a bear, donate a kidney, take a bullet, protect at all costs... that's some love stuff. Fretting over rejection.. not in the same club.
Do you think maybe it's more likely you mourn the death of potential here? Humans adore obsessing over what they can't have, and learn to ignore what they do have. Her withdrawal is stoking the fires of your (list of feelings that are not love) very nicely.
It's what her ex's actions are doing to her.
And maybe it's driving you both a little crazy?
3.5 billion women to go before you find one that works. Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 10:50 AM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is a good example of Pay more attention to the actions than the words. Do you want to continue being on the receiving end of this? Probably not. Find someone new to actually have a relationship with.
posted by theora55 at 10:52 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 10:52 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds like a passive-aggressive fadeaway, where she hopes you'll get the hint to "stay away".
IMHO, time to find someone else.
posted by kschang at 11:28 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
IMHO, time to find someone else.
posted by kschang at 11:28 AM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think you're going to take any of the above advice.
So, you need tips for dragging this along its natural course. You're right to stop talking to her as she requested. Anything else would be harassment, for one. Also, she'll be surprised that you're honoring this, and Ironmouth is right, she might well call you.
In the meantime, you prepare. Read Ellen Fein's The Rules; even though they're directed at women, the tips will help you play this game in a way that will work better for you. There was a short paperback book for men, written by three recent college grads, that came out shortly after; I believe it was called The Game. (But not the much-later pick-up artist book by the same name.) Start practicing their methods. Heck, read PUA forums and reddit and books as well. Go to meet-ups and practice sessions, and try out the techniques on your own. Never mention this woman to other women you meet. Stop talking about her to your friends, and don't ask mutual friends about her. In case she sees or asks about you, you want to seem like a mysterious, fascinating and unattainable creature.
NB: There's a vast field of wonderful women who will stay far, far away from you when they see you applying these tips, whether to them or to anyone. But you don't care about those women right now; you're caught up in this one. And you're not about to let go and walk away. So, learn how to play her game, to your own advantage.
Are there sports or athletic hobbies you could take up while not-contacting her, so you'll be objectively more attractive and feel more confident in case she comes sniffing around again? What about joining a climbing gym?
FWIW, most women do not initiate and enforce FWB situations with men they want a long-term romantic relationship with. It's sort of like The Ladder Theory, but for relationships. There are men we'll sleep with but never, ever date for real. If you play your cards "right," within this construct anyway, you could get another year or two of intermittent interaction and probably more sex with this woman. Eventually, you'll get burnt out and realize just how universally completely-opposite-of-interesting this sort of non-relationship situation really is. Maybe toward the end, it will hurt enough that you'll pick up a copy of Feeling Good or Intimate Connections and figure out thinking and behavior patterns that work better for you. But that's a path you have to go down on your own.
posted by wonton endangerment at 1:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, you need tips for dragging this along its natural course. You're right to stop talking to her as she requested. Anything else would be harassment, for one. Also, she'll be surprised that you're honoring this, and Ironmouth is right, she might well call you.
In the meantime, you prepare. Read Ellen Fein's The Rules; even though they're directed at women, the tips will help you play this game in a way that will work better for you. There was a short paperback book for men, written by three recent college grads, that came out shortly after; I believe it was called The Game. (But not the much-later pick-up artist book by the same name.) Start practicing their methods. Heck, read PUA forums and reddit and books as well. Go to meet-ups and practice sessions, and try out the techniques on your own. Never mention this woman to other women you meet. Stop talking about her to your friends, and don't ask mutual friends about her. In case she sees or asks about you, you want to seem like a mysterious, fascinating and unattainable creature.
NB: There's a vast field of wonderful women who will stay far, far away from you when they see you applying these tips, whether to them or to anyone. But you don't care about those women right now; you're caught up in this one. And you're not about to let go and walk away. So, learn how to play her game, to your own advantage.
Are there sports or athletic hobbies you could take up while not-contacting her, so you'll be objectively more attractive and feel more confident in case she comes sniffing around again? What about joining a climbing gym?
FWIW, most women do not initiate and enforce FWB situations with men they want a long-term romantic relationship with. It's sort of like The Ladder Theory, but for relationships. There are men we'll sleep with but never, ever date for real. If you play your cards "right," within this construct anyway, you could get another year or two of intermittent interaction and probably more sex with this woman. Eventually, you'll get burnt out and realize just how universally completely-opposite-of-interesting this sort of non-relationship situation really is. Maybe toward the end, it will hurt enough that you'll pick up a copy of Feeling Good or Intimate Connections and figure out thinking and behavior patterns that work better for you. But that's a path you have to go down on your own.
posted by wonton endangerment at 1:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
please don't read pua forums. that shit is toxic.
posted by nadawi at 1:10 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 1:10 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think there's something to feeling like you've found a rare feeling of love with someone who's made it clear they're not interested in a serious relationship. Have you had a similar experience of feeling rare love for someone who's unavailable, and wanting to hold on to that feeling and that person? I'd investigate with myself why that might be.
posted by sweetkid at 1:17 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 1:17 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Please don't try to read her mind or imagine what she's thinking -- like, that she's developed feelings for you. You do know that the asked you not to contact her, so delete her from your address book and never get in touch with her again. If she tries to get in touch with you, ignore.
People give all sorts of reasons for not wanting to continue any arrangement, and most of them are BS. They all boil down to, "I no longer want to spend time with you."
posted by wryly at 4:43 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
People give all sorts of reasons for not wanting to continue any arrangement, and most of them are BS. They all boil down to, "I no longer want to spend time with you."
posted by wryly at 4:43 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
This was doomed from the start. It's not really a FWB situation if one of the "friends" is in love. Especially if he is secretly in love and pretending to be okay with a FWB arrangement when he obviously can't handle it yet can't handle being direct about his feelings.
I won't recap the crappiness of her actions as it's been covered. But you sent her a whiny, jealous, controlling text. There is no other way to read a "why is it okay if other guys flirt with you?" text and I don't buy your explanation to the contrary for one second, dude, sorry. You didn't send it for purposes of factual clarification, you sent it because you're in love with her and you're jealous and you don't want her seeing other people.
Is there a way to get her back? Yeah, probably more immature mind games on both your sides would work, but she still won't be in love with you and she will keep hurting you and nobody will be happy. My harshness aside, this sounds just plain hurtful for you. It's not ever going to shake out the way you want it to. Set yourself free and find someone who wants what you want.
posted by kapers at 9:13 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
I won't recap the crappiness of her actions as it's been covered. But you sent her a whiny, jealous, controlling text. There is no other way to read a "why is it okay if other guys flirt with you?" text and I don't buy your explanation to the contrary for one second, dude, sorry. You didn't send it for purposes of factual clarification, you sent it because you're in love with her and you're jealous and you don't want her seeing other people.
Is there a way to get her back? Yeah, probably more immature mind games on both your sides would work, but she still won't be in love with you and she will keep hurting you and nobody will be happy. My harshness aside, this sounds just plain hurtful for you. It's not ever going to shake out the way you want it to. Set yourself free and find someone who wants what you want.
posted by kapers at 9:13 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
told me to stop talking to her
This is the only relevant thing here. Stop talking to her, move on. If she talks to you again, I strongly suggest you have a good hard think about whether you're interested in waiting around for this to happen a fourth time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:00 AM on April 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is the only relevant thing here. Stop talking to her, move on. If she talks to you again, I strongly suggest you have a good hard think about whether you're interested in waiting around for this to happen a fourth time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:00 AM on April 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
Back in January I started talking with a woman.
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic.
The beginning of a relationship is the fun, easy, limerent part. If you have this much difficulty connecting in the first four months, what is going to happen when you go through your first real struggle as a couple? Love is work, but not this much work; let her go and you will each find someone who is a better fit for what you're looking for.
BC sidebar: Her birth control choices are really none of your business (besides it being your business to ensure you are both being safe) and it's highly unlikely going on hormonal BC is directly tied to her ignoring you.
posted by assenav at 12:37 PM on April 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sort of thing has happened two other times before, resulting in her reverting to our usual dynamic.
The beginning of a relationship is the fun, easy, limerent part. If you have this much difficulty connecting in the first four months, what is going to happen when you go through your first real struggle as a couple? Love is work, but not this much work; let her go and you will each find someone who is a better fit for what you're looking for.
BC sidebar: Her birth control choices are really none of your business (besides it being your business to ensure you are both being safe) and it's highly unlikely going on hormonal BC is directly tied to her ignoring you.
posted by assenav at 12:37 PM on April 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
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