Letting go of something on your bucket list?
April 9, 2015 11:49 AM Subscribe
What's a good way to 'give up' an item on your bucket list without feeling resentful? I don't mean giving up a life-long dream (like becoming a successful writer) or an impossible wish (like being an astronaut), I mean giving up something small like 'Before I die, I want to go to Paris for a few days' (my actual example is something else that's about the same level of effort as visiting Paris).
Take it as read that I can't do this thing before I die (basically, there's some health reasons). The immediate problem is that I feel angry and resentful every time that I think about this thing, and I want to get over that feeling. I want to let go and accept the loss with grace so I can focus on more important things (like doing some of the other stuff on my bucket list)
In other words, how do you let go of a 'small dream'?
Take it as read that I can't do this thing before I die (basically, there's some health reasons). The immediate problem is that I feel angry and resentful every time that I think about this thing, and I want to get over that feeling. I want to let go and accept the loss with grace so I can focus on more important things (like doing some of the other stuff on my bucket list)
In other words, how do you let go of a 'small dream'?
Could you sponsor someone else to do the dream instead?
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:52 AM on April 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:52 AM on April 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
I don't have a bucket list. I mean, I have so many things I would like to do that there is absolutely no way I can do them all before I die. So, if something is impossible for me to do, then it just makes it easier for me to choose which adventure I will go on next.
Plus, technology is always improving. I don't know you, obviously, but it's possible that technology will catch up to make your small dream possible sometime in the future.
posted by ethidda at 11:57 AM on April 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Plus, technology is always improving. I don't know you, obviously, but it's possible that technology will catch up to make your small dream possible sometime in the future.
posted by ethidda at 11:57 AM on April 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I think I would approach this with thinking about what the aspects of the experience are that you are feeling really angry about missing out on. In the Paris example, maybe this would be things like getting to travel far from home, getting to experience a different culture, getting to take amazing photographs, or the French food and wine, etc. etc. Then think about which of those aspects you might be able to still make happen in some creative way. Like perhaps the travel piece isn't possible right now, but you could get involved in some sort of group that puts you in touch with people from a different culture. Or you could decorate your apartment like Paris and cook a super fancy French meal and play French music and have a Paris-at-home evening.
And then, allow yourself to have some time and space to grieve both the loss of the dream AND the life changes that made this true. Although I don't know if this is true in your case, if I were you I know I'd probably be using the anger over Paris to sort of disguise my anger and grief over having a health issue that probably makes a whole host of things now off the table for me (as it is rare to have a health problem that ONLY limits travel to Paris -- I realize this is an analogy, but you get my point). Some people are really into ceremonies of loss/grief, which I think can be good if you roll that way. But it could also just be allowing yourself some quiet time with friends to acknowledge -- hey, this sucks big time and I'm not happy about it, and I need to vent! Or a weekend of watching super sad movies and getting out all the tears. Or, you know, however it is that you can most healthfully process negative emotions and let yourself feel the loss in a real way, so you can move through it and move on to the awesome adventures you DO have ahead of you.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:58 AM on April 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
And then, allow yourself to have some time and space to grieve both the loss of the dream AND the life changes that made this true. Although I don't know if this is true in your case, if I were you I know I'd probably be using the anger over Paris to sort of disguise my anger and grief over having a health issue that probably makes a whole host of things now off the table for me (as it is rare to have a health problem that ONLY limits travel to Paris -- I realize this is an analogy, but you get my point). Some people are really into ceremonies of loss/grief, which I think can be good if you roll that way. But it could also just be allowing yourself some quiet time with friends to acknowledge -- hey, this sucks big time and I'm not happy about it, and I need to vent! Or a weekend of watching super sad movies and getting out all the tears. Or, you know, however it is that you can most healthfully process negative emotions and let yourself feel the loss in a real way, so you can move through it and move on to the awesome adventures you DO have ahead of you.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:58 AM on April 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
I sort of have a mental bucket list, but for me, it's not a checklist. It's a wish list. I may not get to do all of it, or to complete a given item to my satisfaction, but that's not the point for me. I'm not alive to check things off a list, and you aren't either! It's about what the things on the list mean to you, what it says about you that you want to visit Paris, or learn to play guitar, or publish a poem, or whatever.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:15 PM on April 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:15 PM on April 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Imagine all the people in the world who also face obstacles to achieving their small dreams. Understand and empathize with the suffering they feel. Wish very deeply that they are released from the anguish. Imagine that as a result of your wishes, their hearts find peace.
This is a powerful Tibetan method for releasing negative feelings.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:20 PM on April 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
This is a powerful Tibetan method for releasing negative feelings.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:20 PM on April 9, 2015 [10 favorites]
Divide your bucket list into "high priority" and "low priority" items. Move your weekend in Paris to the low priority list, and concentrate on the high priority list. Every year or so, review the low priority items and decide which to drop and which to keep, and which to move to high priority. Same with the high priority list. Some you will keep, some you will demote, and some you will drop. But you never need to if you aren't through holding them in your heart.
Remember that it's just a stinking list. Don't get obsessed or let yourself fall into a failure mindset. What you will do, you will do.
posted by halhurst at 12:58 PM on April 9, 2015
Remember that it's just a stinking list. Don't get obsessed or let yourself fall into a failure mindset. What you will do, you will do.
posted by halhurst at 12:58 PM on April 9, 2015
How long has it been since you realized that list item was not possible?
You might just need more time. I don't know if the "grace" thing happens until you allow yourself to be fully angry and grieve for awhile.
(I say this is as someone diagnosed with a major life-changing health thing last month....I'm still hellaciously pissed off. Waiting on grace....)
posted by pantarei70 at 1:08 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
You might just need more time. I don't know if the "grace" thing happens until you allow yourself to be fully angry and grieve for awhile.
(I say this is as someone diagnosed with a major life-changing health thing last month....I'm still hellaciously pissed off. Waiting on grace....)
posted by pantarei70 at 1:08 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
A bucket list is no different than a grocery list or a laundry list. It's not a magical prescription for a happy life. Find something else awesome and achievable to do instead, and do that.
posted by pdb at 2:26 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pdb at 2:26 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The only way I know to do this is to accept the bad feelings for a while, and then move on. Allow yourself time to grieve it. Then replace it with something new. Keep busy. I have to keep busy every day, I have to push myself to keep busy. Making a list and then tearing it off. That old list was yesterday, today is the new list.
Recently, I went through all of my old lists and tore off a few pages, addresses, etc., that I wanted to save. I threw the rest in the trash. How many grocery lists or chores or things-to-do did I need to keep? Not much, as it turns out.
Not sure what you're going through that prevents you from "visiting Paris," but I have found several things close to home that I can do. Farmers markets, museums, community events, groups, lectures, etc. Anything to get you out of the house. I find that interacting with others takes me away from my own troubles, and when alone, keeping active with a to-do list (those lists again!) makes me feel confident for the rest of the day.
So: you can fill your mind up with this thing that you can't do, or you can replace it with other things that you can do, and eventually, you will forget it. That's how the mind works, in my experience.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:36 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Recently, I went through all of my old lists and tore off a few pages, addresses, etc., that I wanted to save. I threw the rest in the trash. How many grocery lists or chores or things-to-do did I need to keep? Not much, as it turns out.
Not sure what you're going through that prevents you from "visiting Paris," but I have found several things close to home that I can do. Farmers markets, museums, community events, groups, lectures, etc. Anything to get you out of the house. I find that interacting with others takes me away from my own troubles, and when alone, keeping active with a to-do list (those lists again!) makes me feel confident for the rest of the day.
So: you can fill your mind up with this thing that you can't do, or you can replace it with other things that you can do, and eventually, you will forget it. That's how the mind works, in my experience.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:36 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think you should do another post here outlining this goal and the obstacles. It's not impossible people can suggest ways to actually make it happen, or at least to make something like it happen. Don't underestimate the power of Ask Metafilter! Yes, it can descend into petty squabbling, but when it works it's amazing.
I walked around for decades wondering how the hell they did the bizarre camera move in this music video, and after I posted that question I had the answer in less than 24 hours. I spent my entire adult life wondering about some weird, obscure book from my childhood, and when I posted a question here with just the vaguest description, not even knowing the title, I had my answer in 66 minutes.
And I've seen much more serious questions than those answered quickly and well. Ask.
Seriously, don't give up on this "small dream" until you've totally exhausted your possibilities. It sounds like it's not small. Even if your health reasons make it seem impossible, it's probably not. People in wheelchairs still do marathons, you know?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:02 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I walked around for decades wondering how the hell they did the bizarre camera move in this music video, and after I posted that question I had the answer in less than 24 hours. I spent my entire adult life wondering about some weird, obscure book from my childhood, and when I posted a question here with just the vaguest description, not even knowing the title, I had my answer in 66 minutes.
And I've seen much more serious questions than those answered quickly and well. Ask.
Seriously, don't give up on this "small dream" until you've totally exhausted your possibilities. It sounds like it's not small. Even if your health reasons make it seem impossible, it's probably not. People in wheelchairs still do marathons, you know?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:02 PM on April 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
What about something like a Parisian themed mourning party? It acknowledges the dream, the loss of the dream, symbolically marks it, recognizes the disappointment, and celebrates your capacity as a human to survive disappointment and make the best of what you have.
This obviously only works if the thing functions as a theme, but, honestly, almost everything can. And if a big party isn't right, a small gathering with one or two close friends could be just the thing.
posted by spindrifter at 5:32 AM on April 10, 2015
This obviously only works if the thing functions as a theme, but, honestly, almost everything can. And if a big party isn't right, a small gathering with one or two close friends could be just the thing.
posted by spindrifter at 5:32 AM on April 10, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:51 AM on April 9, 2015 [10 favorites]