Job hunting with a gender neutral name - how to be less awkward

April 6, 2015 6:35 AM

I'm a recent grad and a woman with a first name that is sometimes shared by men. Although I have a linkedin profile with a photo and the name of a women's college on my resume, when applying online for jobs I occasionally get positive response emails that begin with "Dear Mr. Lastname." Should I immediately give a quick correction in my reply? (If so, polite suggestions for how to phrase this would be helpful.) Or should I just wait until we meet in person and they figure it out for themselves? Note that I'm not offended by being addressed as male, I just want to minimize embarrassment or awkwardness for anyone who might be in a position to hire me.
posted by horizons to Work & Money (28 answers total)

I wouldn't correct them unless you think it helps you. Email isn't that formal, and they are sorting lots of mail already and wouldn't appreciate more load. Stand out, but in ways you want to stand out.

When you're meeting someone in person, I would then try not to surprise. Until then, let it go.
posted by cmiller at 6:41 AM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Two ways that you can [maybe] prevent confusion in the first place. Do you have a particularly feminine middle name? You might include that. Otherwise, you might have your resume (or signature line, whatever] say "Ms. Casey Smith" or something like that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:41 AM on April 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

I would recommend listing your name as Ms. Firstname Lastname on your resume and all correspondence that is job related.
posted by coldhotel at 6:42 AM on April 6, 2015

Do you have a middle name that is less gender ambiguous? If so, you might (a) start putting your full name on your resume and (b) use your full name in the signature line of job-related emails. That way if someone addresses you as "Mr." they'll see in your reply that your middle name is Elizabeth or whatever.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:42 AM on April 6, 2015

Response by poster: My middle name is also gender-neutral (mother's maiden name.)
posted by horizons at 6:43 AM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Even if you don't have an email signature that you use regularly, I would add one to any followup emails that you send that say Ms. Pat Horizons.
posted by sparklemotion at 6:44 AM on April 6, 2015

FYI, in my field the standard way to put this in your signature block is NOT "Ms. Casey Smith" but rather "Casey Smith (Ms.)." The latter seems preferable because you're clearly not asking everyone to call you "Ms. Smith" instead of "Casey," but rather just clarifying your gender.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:51 AM on April 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

Honestly I think this is a good thing. Women may be getting passed over for roles, so this may give you a bit of an edge. I don't think you need to do anything differently.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 7:00 AM on April 6, 2015 [40 favorites]

I'd let it slide. If they mention it when you meet for the interview, you can say "oh yeah, I get that all the time" to minimize discomfort.

I'll be the cynic* and say your imagined male-ness might have had something to do with that positive email in the first place - and if so, then your correcting them could mark you as a Bitch-in-Business. So ride it while you can, until you have an opportunity to make your own impression in person.


*Sorry, I work in a very old-school, very sexist field. The struggle is real.
posted by headnsouth at 7:02 AM on April 6, 2015 [30 favorites]

Best answer: I would not worry about this one bit. Assume that it's just a careless error/typo and ignore it.

Your linkedin picture shows a picture of you looking like a woman. Your resume (and you're a recent grad so this is something you'd expect people to look at) lists a women's college as your education. You've done plenty! If you get far enough in the hiring stage to be interviewed and people still assume that you're male, someone is not doing their due diligence in hiring and is also really dumb and doesn't deserve to be coddled and accommodated.

I can relate to this being a white person with a name that a lot of Asian women have. People think I'm Asian until they meet me all the time. It's not my job to go around teaching people how to make broader assumptions.

It would make me really uncomfortable to put Ms. anywhere on my correspondence or resume because being called Ms. makes me uncomfortable.

In the words of Michael Bolton, why should I have to change, he's the one who sucks.
posted by phunniemee at 7:06 AM on April 6, 2015 [14 favorites]

I have this same problem, and although I get what people are saying about having an edge over women and getting called/messaged about things you might not otherwise, I think the awkwardness when you get "caught" is pretty dangerous and uncomfortable.

Of course you shouldn't (and don't) have to correct people, but it sucks when you meet with an interviewer and they spend the first five minutes of the interview being confused and embarrassed. They're right to be embarrassed! But I don't want that to be my problem any more than necessary. So if I get a "Mr. Kyle" email I correct people over email, usually in very defusing kind of way "Oh and just so you know, I'm actually a woman so I don't go by *Mr.* Kyle - no worries, I get this all the time!"

As far as heading this kind of stuff off in the first place, I think you're doing all you can and you *should* be annoyed with people who call you Mr. when you've made it *abundantly* clear that you're a Ms. Some people just cannot figure this stuff out, though, no matter how many clues you give them. And if you can't afford to not take job interviews/offers from people who annoy you, you should try to give them a heads-up *over email* so that they can be embarrassed and confused on their own time.
posted by mskyle at 7:13 AM on April 6, 2015

My instinct is don't bother.

When people meet you in person they'll figure it out, and like headnsouth says a simple "A lot of people do it" type comment will avoid awkwardness. I think I'd be more embarrassed to be corrected in an e-mail (implicitly or explicitly) because I'd be left wondering if I had irritated my correspondent.
posted by mark k at 7:18 AM on April 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Laughing about a couple of times other people have been caught off guard (gently, and showing sympathy for their discomfort, so you don't seem like a jerk) could be an excellent icebreaker. I say enjoy it.
posted by amtho at 7:23 AM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

1. There's nothing men hate more than being corrected, you will find in this world. No matter if you are being helpful! They will think "how dare she" instead of "oh cool!" every time.

2. I have a name perceived as female and sometimes it causes me to be treated much worse than I would be if my name were like John or Broheimer.

3. This will go on for the rest of your life.

4. If you put (Ms.) after your name, lots of people will think you have some weird Masters of Science from England or something weird.

5. I think you just have to join us and let the chips fall where they may.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:29 AM on April 6, 2015 [14 favorites]

Please don't use Ms.

Women may be getting passed over for roles, so this may give you a bit of an edge. I don't think you need to do anything differently.

Agreed but, from a non-feminist, just practical standpoint, you'll have the benefit of being remembered if they're interviewing lots of people. "Oh, I liked girl-with-guy-name, she was funny and great, wasn't she? Good sense of humor! Especially when I dropped my coffee and couldn't close my mouth for ten seconds after she walked in and shattered my preconceived notions."
posted by resurrexit at 7:41 AM on April 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Do you sound like a woman? If you do, you could just call them and say something like "Hi, I'm Taylor Horizons, I just want ed to confirm that my interview is tomorrow, April 7th at 8am! Thanks!"
posted by WeekendJen at 8:12 AM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

> I would not worry about this one bit. Assume that it's just a careless error/typo and ignore it.

I agree with phunniemee's advice completely. You have already done your due diligence to avoid unnecessary awkwardness.
posted by desuetude at 8:26 AM on April 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

In my professional and public life I go by a male name. It has been very advantageous to do so. People get surprised when they meet me, but it starts a great conversation and we roll from there. My Asian first name creates awkwardness due to the pronunciation and my choice of a simpler name re-shifts the awkwardness to a better narrative of, "How did you get that name" instead of, "I am so sorry, I can't pronounce your name. How do you say it, again?" In other words, let it slide.
posted by jadepearl at 8:59 AM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

This was also a concern of mine early on in my career. As a woman with a male name, I stopped correcting employers ahead of time. It can be more awkward to share without being prompted irrelevant and often powerful personal details, such as your gender presentation. Depending on the industry, being presumed as male is often a boon.
posted by theraflu at 9:56 AM on April 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Let them have a teaching experience in the worthlessness of making assumptions regarding gender in today's new world.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:33 AM on April 6, 2015

My name is unique enough not to imply a specific gender or race. I have seen surprise in interviews more than once but unless there is a reason to hire a specific gender or race (there isn't) then it should never be an issue. In this century any HR person should easily be able to find out specifics about a candidate prior to an interview.
posted by JJ86 at 11:34 AM on April 6, 2015

Ask A Manager on this problem.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:38 AM on April 6, 2015

Hi! I'm a woman named Mikell. It's prnounced just like Michael. I work in a male dominated field. Welcome to my life.

I have a clearly-I-am-a-chick profile photo on LinkedIn. I sign my emails Ms Mikell Lastname. My resume mentions women's engineering societies and my recognition as a Woman to Watch in our local tech industry. Two seconds of googling me gives you a whole first page of results making it clear I'm female. Doesn't matter. I get Mr. Lastname, Mike, "gentlemen", etc all the time.

People often can't be bothered to find of for sure. This is especially true of recruiters on LinkedIn who are just spamming. It's their problem. Yeah. I hate the awkwardness of the first in-person meeting too, or having to correct someone over email, or whatever, but if you're going out of your way to make it easy to find your gender and they still screw it up, it is not your problem. You get used to the awkward interactions after a while. Then, if you're someone like me, when you have a daughter some day you give her a nice traditionally feminine name so she doesn't have to deal with this crap her whole life.

I always like to whip out the Trinity line from The Matrix, though. "It's just... I thought you were a guy." "Most guys do."
posted by olinerd at 2:17 PM on April 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

And for reference, this was me. Many years later I just can't be bothered spending energy on feeling bad about other people making assumptions, not paying attention, or not bothering to research. It is no less annoying, but you do stop feeling like it's your fault after a while. Don't worry. You'll get there.
posted by olinerd at 2:32 PM on April 6, 2015

I have been surprised when interviewing candidates that were a different gender than I expected due to their names - whether an ambiguous name, a name most commonly associated with the opposite gender, or ambiguous-to-me because the person an unfamiliar foreign name). I will say it has never actually been awkward, and usually only served to make the candidate more memorable, sort of starting off on a human foot.

Unless there's a specific reason that your true gender would make you a better candidate for the position, I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by vunder at 2:48 PM on April 6, 2015

I have a female first name, but I use Ms. Firstname Lastname in my email signature, because I deal with a lot of people from other countries who aren't familiar with English name genders. It just helps avoid confusion. If I were male, I would use Mr. Firstname Lastname for the same reason.
posted by LauraJ at 3:16 PM on April 7, 2015

I have a somewhat ambiguous first name (i.e. I was never misgendered until I started working in a very male-dominated field and now it happens a lot) and a last name that, due to marriage, does not at all match my visible ethnicity. I love it. People always know how to start a conversation with me at work or networking events. I'm very shy so having this automatic icebreaker is wonderful.

I think I have SWE and Grace Hopper stuff listed on my resume, so if people read down that far they can get a clue about it, but since most don't...
posted by town of cats at 8:56 PM on April 7, 2015

Honestly I think this is a good thing. Women may be getting passed over for roles, so this may give you a bit of an edge. I don't think you need to do anything differently.

I'm a 50 year old woman with a gender neutral first name and I can GUARANTEE that I've gotten interviews over the years because people thought I was a male. You can see from my profile that I'm in teaching, where men are considered minority hires so HELL YEAH I never say anything.

And what happens at the interview is someone comes out to get me, they always look around to find the person with a penis, and I say, "Hi, I'm gender-neutral-firstname," and they say, "Hi, gender-neutral first name," and that's the end of it.

And I gave both of my daughters gender neutral names because f*ck the patriarchy and all that.
posted by kinetic at 3:24 AM on April 8, 2015