Need to get a grip on spending. Serious help needed.
April 1, 2015 11:59 AM Subscribe
I live paycheck-to-paycheck like nobody's business (and spent a windfall of $10,000 in 2 months). How do I get a handle on this? Why can't I make myself care that I'll never have savings?
I'm a late-twenties woman living in an expensive city. I make around $60,000 a year -- definitely doable in this city, but I can't seem to get a grip on my spending. I live paycheck-to-paycheck, constantly overdraft, constantly eat out, etc. I've been this way since I can remember. I have 0 savings -- I mean, not even $50 -- and car and student loan debt.
I've always been worried about this, but my problem really hit home over Christmas when I got a $10,000 (post-tax!) bonus from work. Instead of starting a retirement fund, traveling, or otherwise usefully spending the money, I paid off a few bills, got new tires and spent the rest on clothes, eating out, and other bullshit. In 2 MONTHS. This, after telling myself that this windfall would solve my paycheck-to-paycheck spending for good and set me on the right track. I'm not sure what happened. I think the discipline required not to spend was too much for me to handle.
Some background: I grew up poor, with a single mother who is the worst person I know at handling finances (bankruptcies, massive debt -- she probably won't be able to retire). I never had money of my own to spend on anything (and when I did have a job, I used the $ to pay for household bills). I'm sure this is contributing to the fact that money burns in my pocket now whenever I get it, but I can't seem to fix the problem! I think part of my spending has to do with wanting to keep up with my friends out here, part of it is that shopping/buying things makes me feel accomplished/worthy/pretty/whatever, especially when I'm feeling anxious.
I've tried everything -- YNAB (several hundred times, it's seems -- I'm giving it another go now), Mint, my own spreadsheets, whatever. Logically, I know this is stupid and wrong. But I'm freaked out that I may have a strange psychological compulsion, or some form of OCD, that is contributing to this. (I do have anxiety and have been treated for it in the past, although I'm currently not on any medicine). Appeals to reason aren't helping me. I overdraft and don't even care (except now, 4 months after my windfall, I'm back to where I was before -- behind on bills, overdrafting, mad at myself because I've still never traveled, can't move out into a studio apartment, etc. -- goals that I thought I had, but clearly never wanted enough not to blow all my money on stupid shit.
I feel really ashamed over this. I told a family member about the bonus and she still assumes I have most of the money, which is embarrassing. I can't talk to anyone close to me about this.
Are there programs for people like me? Specific books or therapeutic practices you found helpful? I've started meditating as well as seeing a therapist again who hopefully can help me gain control of this. I need a nuclear solution here before I end up 65 with no retirement money in sight. Willing to try anything at this point.
Throwaway email: bigspender065@gmail.com
I'm a late-twenties woman living in an expensive city. I make around $60,000 a year -- definitely doable in this city, but I can't seem to get a grip on my spending. I live paycheck-to-paycheck, constantly overdraft, constantly eat out, etc. I've been this way since I can remember. I have 0 savings -- I mean, not even $50 -- and car and student loan debt.
I've always been worried about this, but my problem really hit home over Christmas when I got a $10,000 (post-tax!) bonus from work. Instead of starting a retirement fund, traveling, or otherwise usefully spending the money, I paid off a few bills, got new tires and spent the rest on clothes, eating out, and other bullshit. In 2 MONTHS. This, after telling myself that this windfall would solve my paycheck-to-paycheck spending for good and set me on the right track. I'm not sure what happened. I think the discipline required not to spend was too much for me to handle.
Some background: I grew up poor, with a single mother who is the worst person I know at handling finances (bankruptcies, massive debt -- she probably won't be able to retire). I never had money of my own to spend on anything (and when I did have a job, I used the $ to pay for household bills). I'm sure this is contributing to the fact that money burns in my pocket now whenever I get it, but I can't seem to fix the problem! I think part of my spending has to do with wanting to keep up with my friends out here, part of it is that shopping/buying things makes me feel accomplished/worthy/pretty/whatever, especially when I'm feeling anxious.
I've tried everything -- YNAB (several hundred times, it's seems -- I'm giving it another go now), Mint, my own spreadsheets, whatever. Logically, I know this is stupid and wrong. But I'm freaked out that I may have a strange psychological compulsion, or some form of OCD, that is contributing to this. (I do have anxiety and have been treated for it in the past, although I'm currently not on any medicine). Appeals to reason aren't helping me. I overdraft and don't even care (except now, 4 months after my windfall, I'm back to where I was before -- behind on bills, overdrafting, mad at myself because I've still never traveled, can't move out into a studio apartment, etc. -- goals that I thought I had, but clearly never wanted enough not to blow all my money on stupid shit.
I feel really ashamed over this. I told a family member about the bonus and she still assumes I have most of the money, which is embarrassing. I can't talk to anyone close to me about this.
Are there programs for people like me? Specific books or therapeutic practices you found helpful? I've started meditating as well as seeing a therapist again who hopefully can help me gain control of this. I need a nuclear solution here before I end up 65 with no retirement money in sight. Willing to try anything at this point.
Throwaway email: bigspender065@gmail.com
I'd start simply with giving myself a raisecut.
Less take home money (cut) by diverting part of your pay check automatically to a savings account at a different bank. Mine is physically "down the street" from me, but i have no debit card for it, no checks for it (it's an interest bearing checking account) that is our self escrow for taxes and insurance. We hit it twice a year for those functions (one in April, one in November) and the rest of the year it's an emergency fund.
Less take home money (cut) by diverting part of your pay check automatically to a retirement fund, any kind of retirement fund. Harder to touch, and a bit of a "raise" in that you are raising your standard of living down the road.
Each time you get a raise, put most (if not all) of it towards that emergency fund and retirement fund.
Find a fee-only financial planner to help you make a budget and pay off the debt. You can search by area and narrow it down to those who can help with budgets.
Then figure out bit by bit how to whittle down day to day expenses. Strive for eating in 1 more day a week every couple of weeks until you're down to going out for special occasions or work-socialization necessity. Get to where you can put max to getting out of debt - and then crank your spending back up a little bit (start diverting debt payoff to retirement savings).
posted by tilde at 12:14 PM on April 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
Less take home money (cut) by diverting part of your pay check automatically to a savings account at a different bank. Mine is physically "down the street" from me, but i have no debit card for it, no checks for it (it's an interest bearing checking account) that is our self escrow for taxes and insurance. We hit it twice a year for those functions (one in April, one in November) and the rest of the year it's an emergency fund.
Less take home money (cut) by diverting part of your pay check automatically to a retirement fund, any kind of retirement fund. Harder to touch, and a bit of a "raise" in that you are raising your standard of living down the road.
Each time you get a raise, put most (if not all) of it towards that emergency fund and retirement fund.
Find a fee-only financial planner to help you make a budget and pay off the debt. You can search by area and narrow it down to those who can help with budgets.
Then figure out bit by bit how to whittle down day to day expenses. Strive for eating in 1 more day a week every couple of weeks until you're down to going out for special occasions or work-socialization necessity. Get to where you can put max to getting out of debt - and then crank your spending back up a little bit (start diverting debt payoff to retirement savings).
posted by tilde at 12:14 PM on April 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
There is a book by a guy named Mundis. It is based, I think, on Debtors Anonymous, which would also be an option. Not everyone wants to go to 12 step meetings so they use his book instead. Based on my own experience it is possible to change and live differently. It takes a deep desire to change and a willingness to do things in new ways.
posted by cairnoflore at 12:16 PM on April 1, 2015
posted by cairnoflore at 12:16 PM on April 1, 2015
First - as with overeating, shame will not help you here. Shame is just making you feel worse, which makes you anxious, which makes you want to spend more money. Be gentle with yourself, this stuff is hard!
When you use YNAB or other software, do you get a good sense for what your hard expenses (loans, rent, bills) are and how much you should have "leftover" each month?
One thing I do is that most days (usually work days) I log in to my bank, check my balance, and add all new expenses to my budget spreadsheet (like YNAB). That means that I start most days by being reminded of what my financial goals are and how I'm doing on them that month.
Good for you for starting therapy - there absolutely are "psychology of being poor" ways of thinking that you can emerge from. You're relatively young, so if you can get a handle on finances and mental health now you will be doing well.
One last suggestion: do you have a close friend that would work with you on budget stuff? One who seems to have this stuff mostly in hand? Sometimes just having a buddy mentor you can help to show where the patterns are (and that buddy is likely to remind you that you're a good person to help keep you away from that shame spiral).
posted by ldthomps at 12:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
When you use YNAB or other software, do you get a good sense for what your hard expenses (loans, rent, bills) are and how much you should have "leftover" each month?
One thing I do is that most days (usually work days) I log in to my bank, check my balance, and add all new expenses to my budget spreadsheet (like YNAB). That means that I start most days by being reminded of what my financial goals are and how I'm doing on them that month.
Good for you for starting therapy - there absolutely are "psychology of being poor" ways of thinking that you can emerge from. You're relatively young, so if you can get a handle on finances and mental health now you will be doing well.
One last suggestion: do you have a close friend that would work with you on budget stuff? One who seems to have this stuff mostly in hand? Sometimes just having a buddy mentor you can help to show where the patterns are (and that buddy is likely to remind you that you're a good person to help keep you away from that shame spiral).
posted by ldthomps at 12:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you tried YNAB and that didn't work, you don't have a "how" problem, you have a "why" problem. Therapy is very much your best option. You need help understanding why you're doing this and coping mechanisms to help you stop.
What helped me the most is starting gradually. Buy one less thing than you you want per shopping trip. Make one more meal at home per week. Trying to go whole hog usually just ends in failure.
Take out your retirement deductions and put them away in an account where you can't see them or access them easily.
posted by Requiax at 12:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
What helped me the most is starting gradually. Buy one less thing than you you want per shopping trip. Make one more meal at home per week. Trying to go whole hog usually just ends in failure.
Take out your retirement deductions and put them away in an account where you can't see them or access them easily.
posted by Requiax at 12:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
It sounds like you are used to living on the edge. Maybe a part of you is used to the stress of "just barely" making by and needs to re-create it. Maybe you would feel uncomfortable with too much security? It can be exciting to just make it by the seat of your pants.
I did that the other day with a hotel. Found a great hotel. Didn't book it 1d in advance. Figured I could wing it. Next day 8pm the hotel was booked. Felt the anxiety - omg where are we staying tonight??? - and then the relief - phew found something else! But it was $30 more expensive and not as nice. And I realized, while I like to travel by the seat of my pants and the feeling of resourcefulness that comes with it, this was just silly of me to not plan marginally ahead especially when there was a simpler, calmer, nicer, cheaper solution right before me the night before.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I did that the other day with a hotel. Found a great hotel. Didn't book it 1d in advance. Figured I could wing it. Next day 8pm the hotel was booked. Felt the anxiety - omg where are we staying tonight??? - and then the relief - phew found something else! But it was $30 more expensive and not as nice. And I realized, while I like to travel by the seat of my pants and the feeling of resourcefulness that comes with it, this was just silly of me to not plan marginally ahead especially when there was a simpler, calmer, nicer, cheaper solution right before me the night before.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm trying something right now where I take my post-necessary-expenses budget for the month (so like, after loan payments, bills, rent, etc), break it down by budget line (ie, savings, groceries, food out, clothes, etc) and then divide it by the number of days in the month. Then it's not "I have $250 for groceries this month," it's "I have $8 in grocery money per day." The idea is to 'save up' until you have the money you need for a specific shopping trip - if you typically spend around $80 at the store, you wait to go until the 10th of the month, when you 'have enough money' in your grocery budget. You can do this with savings as well. You're not saving $150 a month, you're saving $5 a day. It's just a mental trick but I like it so far.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:23 PM on April 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:23 PM on April 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Are you a compulsive shopper? Just like being addicted to gambling or sex, being addicted to spending is a real thing and budgeting alone won't break you of it. What might help is abstinence - make it hard or impossible for you to spend money. Don't carry credit cards with you, block yourself from websites where you might do online shopping, and stick to just using cash for awhile. I think you need to radically interrupt the behavior before you can start to trust yourself with money again.
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2015
posted by Yellow Silver Maple at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2015
If YNAB was too detailed, check out Dave Ramsey's baby steps. He is wayyyy socially conservative and his blanket advice doesn't make as much mathematical sense once you've saved your 6-month emergency fund, but he's got great advice for people in your shoes. His classes are taught at churches and meet for 10 weeks; at those classes, you'll meet people who are in your same financial situation.
If you can overlook his politics and religious overtones, his classes can really help give you structure and accountability.
posted by samthemander at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you can overlook his politics and religious overtones, his classes can really help give you structure and accountability.
posted by samthemander at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have no discipline. I also have almost no savings. Unfortunately for me... I'm a good bit older than you!
But I'm far more sane than I was.
People like you and I need to set up a series of funnels. Like literally we need money off the top diverted into savings, autopaying our bills and rent, and we need to NOT be able to touch it or fuck it up.
Just start there. You can worry about the rest later. But start somewhere. Get 30% flowing IMMEDIATELY from your income into a place where you can't spend it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:31 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
But I'm far more sane than I was.
People like you and I need to set up a series of funnels. Like literally we need money off the top diverted into savings, autopaying our bills and rent, and we need to NOT be able to touch it or fuck it up.
Just start there. You can worry about the rest later. But start somewhere. Get 30% flowing IMMEDIATELY from your income into a place where you can't spend it.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:31 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
There are psychotherapists who deal with this issue specifically. You can find one (I hope -- they aren't everywhere) using the website for Financial Therapy Association. These therapists help you budget and work toward financial goals while also working with you on the psychological origins of your spending habits.
Good luck!
posted by janey47 at 12:33 PM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Good luck!
posted by janey47 at 12:33 PM on April 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
What are your friends like? Do they earn more than you? Do they spend more than you? Do they save more than you?
Finding a social group who generally behave the way you want to behave can have a huge impact. That means not dating someone who wants you to spend money, changing the way you participate if your coworkers spend $15/day at lunch and $5 on coffee. Also not spending time with friends who blow $50-100 on a night out every week. (I don't mean dumping them forever in all ways, I mean not automatically/always spending time with them, i.e. none of "Fridays are time to go have dinner and beer with Fred") Also not investing emotionally in relationships that are about things - like the meetup that's all about new tech toys, or the friends who dress way too well, or the friends who absolutely must go to the trendy new bar to collect the entire menu of $13 cocktails. If you can't enjoy spending time with those people away from their things (Hey Fred, come over and I'll cook us some chili) then maybe they're not people to spend time with.
Also, you say you can't tell anyone about this. That's okay, you don't have to, life isn't a 12-step program, you don't have to confess all your flaws. But once you’re over your current wash of shame, see if you can craft a story, a way to explain what your relationship with money is all about in just a few sentences. If you can say “Yeah, I had a crisis in March and realized all that nonsense had to stop”, that’s a positive story, not a shame point at all. And you tell your friends/family about this, even in a limited way like that, you’re inviting them to talk with you about money. You are very very much not alone in struggling with this, and if your people know that you’re making a change, they will have the opportunity to give you support. If you pretend that everything’s fine, they will assume you still love buying expensive things, and they’ll ask you about those expensive things, because they know you like it. If you tell them you don’t like it, there are some jerks who’ll leave, but a lot of people who’ll just find something healthier to talk about.
posted by aimedwander at 12:39 PM on April 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
Finding a social group who generally behave the way you want to behave can have a huge impact. That means not dating someone who wants you to spend money, changing the way you participate if your coworkers spend $15/day at lunch and $5 on coffee. Also not spending time with friends who blow $50-100 on a night out every week. (I don't mean dumping them forever in all ways, I mean not automatically/always spending time with them, i.e. none of "Fridays are time to go have dinner and beer with Fred") Also not investing emotionally in relationships that are about things - like the meetup that's all about new tech toys, or the friends who dress way too well, or the friends who absolutely must go to the trendy new bar to collect the entire menu of $13 cocktails. If you can't enjoy spending time with those people away from their things (Hey Fred, come over and I'll cook us some chili) then maybe they're not people to spend time with.
Also, you say you can't tell anyone about this. That's okay, you don't have to, life isn't a 12-step program, you don't have to confess all your flaws. But once you’re over your current wash of shame, see if you can craft a story, a way to explain what your relationship with money is all about in just a few sentences. If you can say “Yeah, I had a crisis in March and realized all that nonsense had to stop”, that’s a positive story, not a shame point at all. And you tell your friends/family about this, even in a limited way like that, you’re inviting them to talk with you about money. You are very very much not alone in struggling with this, and if your people know that you’re making a change, they will have the opportunity to give you support. If you pretend that everything’s fine, they will assume you still love buying expensive things, and they’ll ask you about those expensive things, because they know you like it. If you tell them you don’t like it, there are some jerks who’ll leave, but a lot of people who’ll just find something healthier to talk about.
posted by aimedwander at 12:39 PM on April 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
When it comes to spending too much money, instead of trying to STOP spending money, it might work better to consciously replace your specific personal money-spending habits with something else.
For example, if you eat out too much because you want to hang out with your friends, maybe you could commit to hosting a pot luck once a week, or organising some other regular free social activity. If you spend money on clothes, maybe start some kind of "shop your closet" project and make some crazy outfits out of the clothes you already have. If you order stuff on the internet when you're home along on Saturday afternoon, go out on Saturday afternoon and walk around the park or photograph urban decay or rehearse some am dram or who knows what.
posted by emilyw at 12:40 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
For example, if you eat out too much because you want to hang out with your friends, maybe you could commit to hosting a pot luck once a week, or organising some other regular free social activity. If you spend money on clothes, maybe start some kind of "shop your closet" project and make some crazy outfits out of the clothes you already have. If you order stuff on the internet when you're home along on Saturday afternoon, go out on Saturday afternoon and walk around the park or photograph urban decay or rehearse some am dram or who knows what.
posted by emilyw at 12:40 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Nthing the automated deductions thing.
Also, try automated money transfers from your checking into a savings account, and in your case I'd also make the savings account one that's hard to get to - ask your bank about something that is easy to just set up an automated transfer on a weekly or monthly basis, but that you'd have to go see your bank in person to withdraw money from it or something.
Also, look into Digit - this is a savings account where THEY decide how much to withdraw from you based on your income level, and every couple days they yoink a couple bucks out of your bank account and put it into a savings account for you. You can get it back at any time, but it takes a day - they're good about not taking an amount that would break you (the most they've taken from me at any one time is about eight bucks), and it just sort of magically happens; and, it's money that you can't spend if it's not in your bank account.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:42 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, try automated money transfers from your checking into a savings account, and in your case I'd also make the savings account one that's hard to get to - ask your bank about something that is easy to just set up an automated transfer on a weekly or monthly basis, but that you'd have to go see your bank in person to withdraw money from it or something.
Also, look into Digit - this is a savings account where THEY decide how much to withdraw from you based on your income level, and every couple days they yoink a couple bucks out of your bank account and put it into a savings account for you. You can get it back at any time, but it takes a day - they're good about not taking an amount that would break you (the most they've taken from me at any one time is about eight bucks), and it just sort of magically happens; and, it's money that you can't spend if it's not in your bank account.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:42 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Many local churches offer Dave Ramsey classes (for free). Apparently, his plan is a good one to keep you from burning through everything.
Sometimes we recreate our childhood trauma without even realizing we are doing it. It sounds like this is more your issue than a Dave Ramsey type deal. You might want to try therapy.
posted by myselfasme at 12:45 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sometimes we recreate our childhood trauma without even realizing we are doing it. It sounds like this is more your issue than a Dave Ramsey type deal. You might want to try therapy.
posted by myselfasme at 12:45 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
The way I started to get my financial situation in order in my twenties was to get a financial planner, one of those basic American Express ones, who charged me $300 or something minimal. He applied some generic formulas to help me figure out how much I had to set aside for my 401K, how much for life insurance, how much for rainy day savings, etc. It was a great relief to be on track in a system that had baffled me until then. Since I didn't have a family or debt my situation was simple and this relatively generic financial advice was sufficient.
posted by Dragonness at 12:58 PM on April 1, 2015
posted by Dragonness at 12:58 PM on April 1, 2015
Well, first of all, call your bank and tell them to take the overdraft feature off your account. It is totally optional. Now your debit card will just be declined and it will be your responsibility to check your account (use an app) before ordering, buying, or cutting a check. You can do this. You can also reverse it if it's too much.
Talk to your therapist about the shame feeling and the need to keep up with your friends. (It does sound like you may need more down to earth friends.) Maybe you can make a list of other things that make you feel accomplished and good about yourself, without spending loads of money, and do more of those things? There's also a feeling of accomplishment that can come from building up some savings, however small it starts.
posted by zennie at 1:06 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Talk to your therapist about the shame feeling and the need to keep up with your friends. (It does sound like you may need more down to earth friends.) Maybe you can make a list of other things that make you feel accomplished and good about yourself, without spending loads of money, and do more of those things? There's also a feeling of accomplishment that can come from building up some savings, however small it starts.
posted by zennie at 1:06 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, and I get that this is NOT for everybody, but there is a Debtors Anonymous and it is free. It has helped lots of folks and no doubt not helped lots of folks, but the price is right.
posted by jcworth at 1:15 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jcworth at 1:15 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Another choice is to quit, cold turkey. Go one week without any spending any money. I mean none; buy up groceries ahead of time, get the car filled with gas, pay the bills ahead of time.
Deposit your cash and freeze your credit cards in blocks of water. And don't spend any money, not a dime, for a whole week. It'll suck and hurt and be inconvenient and maybe you'll have to walk five miles so you don't run out of gas and you might not be able to eat your favorite thing... but, like fasting, it's hardest at first and the compulsion (to spend, in this case) eventually subsides to a manageable level.
posted by flimflam at 1:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Deposit your cash and freeze your credit cards in blocks of water. And don't spend any money, not a dime, for a whole week. It'll suck and hurt and be inconvenient and maybe you'll have to walk five miles so you don't run out of gas and you might not be able to eat your favorite thing... but, like fasting, it's hardest at first and the compulsion (to spend, in this case) eventually subsides to a manageable level.
posted by flimflam at 1:21 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can relate to this and I will tell you living in a city and being in your 20s are aggravators, because cities are ridiculously expensive and it is much harder to really feel the long term consequences of spendiness when you are still quite young. And I think money in general doesn't feel real when you've grown up poor -- I think it seems more like it is something from a Monopoly game. I also have never succeeded with budgets -- they are just too twiddly for me.
So, here are some thoughts:
1. Less anxiety/shame and more meditation is a great start. This is entirely fixable, if you can stop feeling frantic and, perchance, soothing that by spending. I will tell you the most successful I've ever been at regular meditation is right now, because I float twice a month, and that is very effective forced meditation. The float room/tank is also a perfect place to contemplate problems like this at a calm distance.
2. Do move a whole lot of your pay, per paycheck, into a separate and hard to access account. I'd suggest $100-$200/week.
3. Cut your credit cards down to one. (A sensible one, which gives you cash back on purchases.) Pay it off completely every month. You can schedule this online. Put all the rest deep in a drawer or cut them up.
4. Put your checks into a desk drawer at the back, so that getting and writing a check is a bit of an exercise for you, one that requires thought. Don't write any check until you've looked at your balance and been sure you won't overdraft.
5. Think about all purchases before making them. A lot of buying is on impulse, and can be avoided completely if you just give some thought first. Also, if shopping is something you do recreationally, replace that activity with something else relaxing or fun which doesn't cost.
6. Delete all shopping/purchasing oriented emails and texts without reading them.
7. There is a weird pleasure in weeding your stuff so you only have what you actually like and use. Strangely, consciously opting to have less stuff helps with frugality. You can make some bucks selling your unneeded stuff too, or can donate and get a decent charitable deduction.
Once you get these approaches in place, and I'd try to give yourself the rest of this year for that, start doing some real financial planning like what Dragonness suggests. You'll actually have some money by then.
posted by bearwife at 1:22 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
So, here are some thoughts:
1. Less anxiety/shame and more meditation is a great start. This is entirely fixable, if you can stop feeling frantic and, perchance, soothing that by spending. I will tell you the most successful I've ever been at regular meditation is right now, because I float twice a month, and that is very effective forced meditation. The float room/tank is also a perfect place to contemplate problems like this at a calm distance.
2. Do move a whole lot of your pay, per paycheck, into a separate and hard to access account. I'd suggest $100-$200/week.
3. Cut your credit cards down to one. (A sensible one, which gives you cash back on purchases.) Pay it off completely every month. You can schedule this online. Put all the rest deep in a drawer or cut them up.
4. Put your checks into a desk drawer at the back, so that getting and writing a check is a bit of an exercise for you, one that requires thought. Don't write any check until you've looked at your balance and been sure you won't overdraft.
5. Think about all purchases before making them. A lot of buying is on impulse, and can be avoided completely if you just give some thought first. Also, if shopping is something you do recreationally, replace that activity with something else relaxing or fun which doesn't cost.
6. Delete all shopping/purchasing oriented emails and texts without reading them.
7. There is a weird pleasure in weeding your stuff so you only have what you actually like and use. Strangely, consciously opting to have less stuff helps with frugality. You can make some bucks selling your unneeded stuff too, or can donate and get a decent charitable deduction.
Once you get these approaches in place, and I'd try to give yourself the rest of this year for that, start doing some real financial planning like what Dragonness suggests. You'll actually have some money by then.
posted by bearwife at 1:22 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
My god this was like reading my own journal.
We were poor and never had a lot but did a bit better after my grandfather died. I've always been terrible with money. Always in debt. My parents paid off debt for me when I was still living back in England and I just racked it up again. I hated myself. I got an inheritance and when I moved here to the US, I blew through $30k in a couple months and had NO IDEA where the money went. Even thinking about it now fills me with shame.
I was living paycheck to paycheck and living with roommates from CL. Paying crazy amounts just to live with roommates in NYC. I was miserable and I hated myself. Then one day I was talking to a friend who makes less than I do and lives alone. I started talking to her about budgeting and the chance of living alone just made something click in my head.
I really thought about it. I didn't know where my money was going because I didn't buy expensive things, but I was buying SO MANY little insignificant things to 'make myself happier' and I couldn't even remember what they were at the end of the month. I was trying to fix myself with money but having no money and being in debt was something I thought about every second of every day.
So I made a spreadsheet of all my expenses. I left that amount in my account and took out $50 per week spending money and put the rest in my savings account. Within 2 months I had saved enough to get my own place, pay deposits and movers. I'm now living alone and I couldn't be happier. I'm getting rid of my debt by over paying my minimum payments and I'm not using my credit cards anymore. BUT do not close them. I am assuming your credit may not be great with late payments and such. Closing accounts can be negative. Pay down the higher interest cards first. The more credit you have that you're not using, the better your score will be. But do not spend it! If you have to cut up your cards do.
I've already been able to buy plane tickets to visit home (I haven't been able to 'afford' this in 4 years). I've saved money for a birthday surprised for my boyfriend. We're saving for a house together.
My life totally changed because the idea of going on the way I was and living with other people was just more of a draw than spending.
Every single time I go to spend money I ask myself if I need it. Do I need to buy a snack or can I go without it? Do I need to buy this item of clothing? And the feeling of saving that money and seeing my balance go up is more of a thrill than anything I could buy.
I feel so proud of myself now and my new spending habits have become second nature.
You can do it. It's hard, I KNOW. I was there. But if I can do it, you can do it.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:27 PM on April 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
We were poor and never had a lot but did a bit better after my grandfather died. I've always been terrible with money. Always in debt. My parents paid off debt for me when I was still living back in England and I just racked it up again. I hated myself. I got an inheritance and when I moved here to the US, I blew through $30k in a couple months and had NO IDEA where the money went. Even thinking about it now fills me with shame.
I was living paycheck to paycheck and living with roommates from CL. Paying crazy amounts just to live with roommates in NYC. I was miserable and I hated myself. Then one day I was talking to a friend who makes less than I do and lives alone. I started talking to her about budgeting and the chance of living alone just made something click in my head.
I really thought about it. I didn't know where my money was going because I didn't buy expensive things, but I was buying SO MANY little insignificant things to 'make myself happier' and I couldn't even remember what they were at the end of the month. I was trying to fix myself with money but having no money and being in debt was something I thought about every second of every day.
So I made a spreadsheet of all my expenses. I left that amount in my account and took out $50 per week spending money and put the rest in my savings account. Within 2 months I had saved enough to get my own place, pay deposits and movers. I'm now living alone and I couldn't be happier. I'm getting rid of my debt by over paying my minimum payments and I'm not using my credit cards anymore. BUT do not close them. I am assuming your credit may not be great with late payments and such. Closing accounts can be negative. Pay down the higher interest cards first. The more credit you have that you're not using, the better your score will be. But do not spend it! If you have to cut up your cards do.
I've already been able to buy plane tickets to visit home (I haven't been able to 'afford' this in 4 years). I've saved money for a birthday surprised for my boyfriend. We're saving for a house together.
My life totally changed because the idea of going on the way I was and living with other people was just more of a draw than spending.
Every single time I go to spend money I ask myself if I need it. Do I need to buy a snack or can I go without it? Do I need to buy this item of clothing? And the feeling of saving that money and seeing my balance go up is more of a thrill than anything I could buy.
I feel so proud of myself now and my new spending habits have become second nature.
You can do it. It's hard, I KNOW. I was there. But if I can do it, you can do it.
posted by shesbenevolent at 1:27 PM on April 1, 2015 [13 favorites]
Substitute everything you've written about money with another kind of self-destructive behavior like gambling, overeating, starving yourself, drinking, etc. What would you tell that person? You'd tell them that they need help.
Make sure that your therapist takes this issue seriously. You need to develop other ways to relieve your anxiety than shopping and spending, and you need strategies to keep you from constant self-sabotage. Walk your therapist through what happens when you intend to behave one way and then behave another.
I have read excerpts from Money, A Memoir that I found very interesting. I think it's important to understand what needs are and are not being met through spending and find other ways to meet those needs.
posted by vunder at 1:30 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Make sure that your therapist takes this issue seriously. You need to develop other ways to relieve your anxiety than shopping and spending, and you need strategies to keep you from constant self-sabotage. Walk your therapist through what happens when you intend to behave one way and then behave another.
I have read excerpts from Money, A Memoir that I found very interesting. I think it's important to understand what needs are and are not being met through spending and find other ways to meet those needs.
posted by vunder at 1:30 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
What strikes me about the ways you think you "should" have spent the money--travel or a retirement fund--is that those are wildly different in terms of their what they entail (and even within those categories, there's a lot of different approaches that require varying amounts of money), and both sort of fit solidly in this middle-class-aspirational-model. Those sort of indicate that maybe the problem is more that you feel like you should do these things, but aren't really sure how to get started.
Growing up poor teaches you a lot of financial skills when it comes to how to stretch a paycheck and what to do when it won't stretch far enough, but not a whole lot about retirement plans or vacation budgeting. (And anyway, paying off bills and getting new tires are perfectly wise, sensible things to do with a windfall and could've easily eaten up a grand or two on their own, depending on what and how much those bills were, and there's nothing inherently more virtuous or financially sensible about spending money on travel instead of treating yourself to some nice dinners closer to home.)
If you were talking about racking up credit card debt or missing bills because of shopping or eating out, then that'd definitely be a red flag pointing towards some sort of compulsive behavior issue, but I think it's more likely to be a "wow this sum of money is several times larger than I've ever had to budget before and I really have no idea what to do" and then resultant anxiety and avoidance.
You don't say where you are, but most large cities have financial literacy courses for adults, often for free-to-cheap. Google or ask around at a nearby community center or junior college or page a mod with your city and someone will likely be able to hook you up.
posted by kagredon at 1:55 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
Growing up poor teaches you a lot of financial skills when it comes to how to stretch a paycheck and what to do when it won't stretch far enough, but not a whole lot about retirement plans or vacation budgeting. (And anyway, paying off bills and getting new tires are perfectly wise, sensible things to do with a windfall and could've easily eaten up a grand or two on their own, depending on what and how much those bills were, and there's nothing inherently more virtuous or financially sensible about spending money on travel instead of treating yourself to some nice dinners closer to home.)
If you were talking about racking up credit card debt or missing bills because of shopping or eating out, then that'd definitely be a red flag pointing towards some sort of compulsive behavior issue, but I think it's more likely to be a "wow this sum of money is several times larger than I've ever had to budget before and I really have no idea what to do" and then resultant anxiety and avoidance.
You don't say where you are, but most large cities have financial literacy courses for adults, often for free-to-cheap. Google or ask around at a nearby community center or junior college or page a mod with your city and someone will likely be able to hook you up.
posted by kagredon at 1:55 PM on April 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
If I could offer a thought: you recognize that you have a problem, and time is most definitely on your side. You can do this.
Heed the advice above about automatic deductions. It is hard to compulsively spend money that you don't see. Direct deposit and direct distribution into different sub-accounts is really helpful.
And then one more thing: commit to diverting any future raises to your "When I retire" fund. (Not just a 401K or whatever, your general savings pile.) That way you can maintain your current spending levels indefinitely.
posted by RedOrGreen at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2015
Heed the advice above about automatic deductions. It is hard to compulsively spend money that you don't see. Direct deposit and direct distribution into different sub-accounts is really helpful.
And then one more thing: commit to diverting any future raises to your "When I retire" fund. (Not just a 401K or whatever, your general savings pile.) That way you can maintain your current spending levels indefinitely.
posted by RedOrGreen at 2:58 PM on April 1, 2015
This is not just a money management issue, but an addiction issue as well. Trying to fix compulsive shopping with a budget is like trying to fix compulsive overeating with a diet: it seems like the logical solution, and in some cases it works, but it doesn't address the psychological part of it. And you're abruptly cutting off a major source of pleasure without having figured out an alternative, so your brain is likely to freak out and either jump back into the bad habit or find a substitute bad habit.
You've already got a lot of excellent advice above, and I think your therapist can help you immensely with the reasons why shopping calms that anxiety and makes you feel good, so you can break that addiction. The one thing I'd add is that you may not want to cut yourself off completely, not right away. This doesn't mean you have free rein to go on shopping sprees, but including a little fun money in your budget might work better for you than completely forbidding unnecessary purchases. Some people do better with complete abstinence, some people do better with moderation.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:59 PM on April 1, 2015
You've already got a lot of excellent advice above, and I think your therapist can help you immensely with the reasons why shopping calms that anxiety and makes you feel good, so you can break that addiction. The one thing I'd add is that you may not want to cut yourself off completely, not right away. This doesn't mean you have free rein to go on shopping sprees, but including a little fun money in your budget might work better for you than completely forbidding unnecessary purchases. Some people do better with complete abstinence, some people do better with moderation.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:59 PM on April 1, 2015
I think you've gotten great advice above - I'm only in here to recommend The Billfold, which is basically a bunch of regular people - some with great money habits, some with things they'd like to improves - talking real talk about money. Regular budgets, what it costs different sort of people to live different sorts of lives, how spending affects life, etc. etc. The community there is great.
posted by Jaclyn at 6:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaclyn at 6:17 PM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are getting good advice here.
I used to have a variant of your problem. I didn't grow up particularly poor, but for whatever reason I had some of the attitudes and behaviours that are usually associated with poverty. Basically, money burned a hole in my pocket, as though my job was to spend it all as quickly as possible before it disappeared. (Also spending to me has always had a bunch of unjustified positive associations -- like, it makes me feel effective, powerful, productive, altruistic. Weird stuff like that.)
What helped me was to flip things around -- to consider "saving" to be a form of "spending." So I learned to do the 'pay yourself first' thing. I set up an account with a financial advisor and I consider paying him (which really means transferring money to him, that he invests for me) to be my first financial obligation. If I needed to stop doing that, I would feel like I'd be letting him down. My second financial obligation is funding my 401k. Third is, I have a small amount of money automatically transferred monthly from my bank account into a savings account at a credit union across town, which I don't have an ATM card for. That's the money I would use in an emergency, but honestly once it's transferred I forget about it and have never accessed it.
All those money transfers are top priority, ahead of stuff like rent, clothes, food. And mentally I class them as bills I need to pay, not as savings. Because in my warped thinking, savings are to be spent, and if I consider something to be savings, I will find a way to spend it. I consider that money gone, as though it no longer belongs to me. The rest of the money, I spend.
This may not be particularly healthy -- it would probably be healthier for me to fix the root problem, which is my weird disordered thinking. But I've chosen instead to work with my weird disordered thinking rather than trying to fight it, and since doing it a bunch of good things have happened. I save money. I don't agonize about money. I don't feel shame about how I handle money. So: good enough, I guess :)
posted by Susan PG at 7:13 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I used to have a variant of your problem. I didn't grow up particularly poor, but for whatever reason I had some of the attitudes and behaviours that are usually associated with poverty. Basically, money burned a hole in my pocket, as though my job was to spend it all as quickly as possible before it disappeared. (Also spending to me has always had a bunch of unjustified positive associations -- like, it makes me feel effective, powerful, productive, altruistic. Weird stuff like that.)
What helped me was to flip things around -- to consider "saving" to be a form of "spending." So I learned to do the 'pay yourself first' thing. I set up an account with a financial advisor and I consider paying him (which really means transferring money to him, that he invests for me) to be my first financial obligation. If I needed to stop doing that, I would feel like I'd be letting him down. My second financial obligation is funding my 401k. Third is, I have a small amount of money automatically transferred monthly from my bank account into a savings account at a credit union across town, which I don't have an ATM card for. That's the money I would use in an emergency, but honestly once it's transferred I forget about it and have never accessed it.
All those money transfers are top priority, ahead of stuff like rent, clothes, food. And mentally I class them as bills I need to pay, not as savings. Because in my warped thinking, savings are to be spent, and if I consider something to be savings, I will find a way to spend it. I consider that money gone, as though it no longer belongs to me. The rest of the money, I spend.
This may not be particularly healthy -- it would probably be healthier for me to fix the root problem, which is my weird disordered thinking. But I've chosen instead to work with my weird disordered thinking rather than trying to fight it, and since doing it a bunch of good things have happened. I save money. I don't agonize about money. I don't feel shame about how I handle money. So: good enough, I guess :)
posted by Susan PG at 7:13 PM on April 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
You will have a much easier time if you can get your anxiety under control. Right now it is both driving compulsive spending and preventing you from planning. Fix the anxiety, and the financial issues will be much easier to approach.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:06 PM on April 1, 2015
posted by Dip Flash at 8:06 PM on April 1, 2015
The book that just recently changed everything for me is "Debt Proof Living" by Mary Hunt. (Ignore the parts where she basically says that God will ensure you have enough money if you manage it properly.) I had some savings but was still pretty much paycheck to paycheck, and after reading this, something... just clicked. It made me realize how badly I needed to get my financial house in order, and now I'm working on it every day.
posted by skycrashesdown at 8:39 PM on April 1, 2015
posted by skycrashesdown at 8:39 PM on April 1, 2015
Great advice above, I just came here to add my recommendations for two personal finance books.
The first one is All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. (Yes, the same Elizabeth Warren as the Massachusetts senator). Their basic message is that you should break down your post-tax income as such:
50% on Needs (rent, mortgage, bills, car payments, credit card debt, groceries, anything that you have a contract to that you can't get out of easily)
30% on Wants (fun money - clothes, shoes, MEALS OUT, coffee, events. Note that groceries are not included here!)
20% on Savings (automated savings)
The idea here is that you maintain a balance, and don't overcommit to one section or the other. For example, you shouldn't be spending 80% of your money to pay your rent and credit card debt (Needs), and having nothing else for Savings or fun money (Wants). If you are, then you need to rent somewhere cheaper, asap. Neither should you be spending 70% of your money on clothes and meals out, and wondering how to pay your rent each month. Etc.
The second one is I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. His basic message is not to worry too much about the $4 lattes, and automate all your savings, investments and spending as much as possible. It's a more modern, practical take on how to automate and negotiate discounts on your biggest expenditures.
posted by moiraine at 12:56 AM on April 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
The first one is All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. (Yes, the same Elizabeth Warren as the Massachusetts senator). Their basic message is that you should break down your post-tax income as such:
50% on Needs (rent, mortgage, bills, car payments, credit card debt, groceries, anything that you have a contract to that you can't get out of easily)
30% on Wants (fun money - clothes, shoes, MEALS OUT, coffee, events. Note that groceries are not included here!)
20% on Savings (automated savings)
The idea here is that you maintain a balance, and don't overcommit to one section or the other. For example, you shouldn't be spending 80% of your money to pay your rent and credit card debt (Needs), and having nothing else for Savings or fun money (Wants). If you are, then you need to rent somewhere cheaper, asap. Neither should you be spending 70% of your money on clothes and meals out, and wondering how to pay your rent each month. Etc.
The second one is I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. His basic message is not to worry too much about the $4 lattes, and automate all your savings, investments and spending as much as possible. It's a more modern, practical take on how to automate and negotiate discounts on your biggest expenditures.
posted by moiraine at 12:56 AM on April 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am still not very good with money, but I used to be terrible and have gotten better. The things that helped me the most were two-fold: first, I automated as much as I could (including savings), and second, I opened a second bank account to use as my monthly "allowance."
The way I did this second thing was to write down all the monthly easy-to-predict fixed costs, including whatever savings I had automated. I then opened a separate bank account with its own separate debit card, and every payment cycle, I transfer only the amount that was left over after those fixed costs. So if for example I got paid $2,000 and my fixed expenses were $1,500, I would transfer $500 into the other account and use only that amount of money to pay everything else that month. The key is that you don't pay anything from your "master" account that wasn't on the list of fixed costs. (I occasionally have to break this rule for whatever reason, but when I do I just correct it during the next cycle.)
The nice thing about this is that it is very simple, and it's very easy to see how much money you actually have to spend, independent of what your main bank account might be suggesting. It also involves basically no actual "budgeting" in the sense of predicting what you spend on various tiny categories.
(I don't have overdraft protection on my "allowance" card; I'd rather the purchase just be declined if I were to overspend. But I do have a form of overdraft protection on the main one, in that it will automagically draw from my emergency fund if necessary. That's not a bad one to set up.)
I would definitely make the second account at the same bank/credit union, though, so that the transfers are immediate and don't happen a couple of days later.
posted by en forme de poire at 1:32 AM on April 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
The way I did this second thing was to write down all the monthly easy-to-predict fixed costs, including whatever savings I had automated. I then opened a separate bank account with its own separate debit card, and every payment cycle, I transfer only the amount that was left over after those fixed costs. So if for example I got paid $2,000 and my fixed expenses were $1,500, I would transfer $500 into the other account and use only that amount of money to pay everything else that month. The key is that you don't pay anything from your "master" account that wasn't on the list of fixed costs. (I occasionally have to break this rule for whatever reason, but when I do I just correct it during the next cycle.)
The nice thing about this is that it is very simple, and it's very easy to see how much money you actually have to spend, independent of what your main bank account might be suggesting. It also involves basically no actual "budgeting" in the sense of predicting what you spend on various tiny categories.
(I don't have overdraft protection on my "allowance" card; I'd rather the purchase just be declined if I were to overspend. But I do have a form of overdraft protection on the main one, in that it will automagically draw from my emergency fund if necessary. That's not a bad one to set up.)
I would definitely make the second account at the same bank/credit union, though, so that the transfers are immediate and don't happen a couple of days later.
posted by en forme de poire at 1:32 AM on April 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
part of it is that shopping/buying things makes me feel accomplished/worthy/pretty/whatever, especially when I'm feeling anxious
I think it might be a good idea to work on forming some new self-soothing habits that don't involve buying things, because it seems like your anxiety is one of the root causes of your over-spending. Try to find activities and things that make you feel accomplished, worthy, pretty and less anxious, and start using those to help calm yourself down instead. I think the first step is to have compassion towards yourself: when you're feeling anxious, talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend, or if you like animals, to a frightened animal: "It's okay to be anxious and it's okay that you've made some mistakes, you're still a good person. What are you feeling most anxious about? What can I do to help?" For me, when I'm feeling anxious, the following things help: going for a walk outside, turning off the internet and making a cup of tea and reading my book, calling a good friend who understands anxiety and saying, "Help! I'm feeling really worried about this thing!", watching tv episodes that I love and have watched a million times, going on a long bike ride, asking Metafilter for help (either in my head or in reality), or I pick the simplest fastest thing off my To Do list and do that.
posted by colfax at 4:59 AM on April 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think it might be a good idea to work on forming some new self-soothing habits that don't involve buying things, because it seems like your anxiety is one of the root causes of your over-spending. Try to find activities and things that make you feel accomplished, worthy, pretty and less anxious, and start using those to help calm yourself down instead. I think the first step is to have compassion towards yourself: when you're feeling anxious, talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend, or if you like animals, to a frightened animal: "It's okay to be anxious and it's okay that you've made some mistakes, you're still a good person. What are you feeling most anxious about? What can I do to help?" For me, when I'm feeling anxious, the following things help: going for a walk outside, turning off the internet and making a cup of tea and reading my book, calling a good friend who understands anxiety and saying, "Help! I'm feeling really worried about this thing!", watching tv episodes that I love and have watched a million times, going on a long bike ride, asking Metafilter for help (either in my head or in reality), or I pick the simplest fastest thing off my To Do list and do that.
posted by colfax at 4:59 AM on April 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Man, there really is something about spending money on yourself that's so rewarding, isn't it? While I'm lucky that I'm not living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore, I have always struggled with some of the cycles of shame and anxiety and putting-head-in-sand and spending that you're talking about. And I do have credit card debt I'm still working off from poor decisions in the past.
I see some similarities to what I experienced. My cycle tended to involve being really "good" (unnecessary moral judgement) for a while about not spending ANY money on myself (unrealistic goal), then suddenly getting into a fit of hating all my clothes or boredom or low self-esteem & going on a shopping spree that often continued for days/weeks (no healthy boundaries for spending). It was like once that not-spending-money dam broke, it was really hard to reign in again. I felt ashamed which made me want to ignore the problem, but also got pleasure from nice new things. It also sometimes involved putting things on my credit card even when I had the cash because I wanted the cash on hand for "emergencies". What I realize now is I did that because I had no budget so I had no idea if I was spending my rent money on shoes. It felt "safer" to throw it on the card with the intent of paying it off at the end of the month, but that rarely worked out. It's complicated and emotional, not rational, and I empathize so much with you!
What's helped me is that I've recognized that completely austere living is NOT morally good, helpful, or healthy, and now I plan accordingly. For $60k income you should have plenty of room in your budget for fun money in addition to staying on top of bills and savings goals*. They key is to PLAN to spend a reasonable amount that money, not try to lock yourself down to not spending any money and then feeling shame when you break down. Because we all need the flexibility to stop at the grocery store for some fancy cheese now and then. Therapy may be needed to figure out the emotional side of this and to get outside that cycle of shame.
*You also might want to look into whether there are better ways to manage your current debt. Are your student loan payments super high? Maybe you can get into a different payment plan or refinance at a lower interest rate to make them more manageable. Maybe you can consolidate your credit cards similarly. But while this can be helpful, it will only solve your problems long-term if you are committed to using that extra cash flow towards savings or debt-reduction goals.
Is your rent out of control high? Another thing to consider. You may choose to spend more on rent than others are willing to, and that's ok if it's a conscious choice offset by spending less in other areas. But you have to remember when you're tempted to overspend about the choices you made and why you made them. Maybe even write down your goals (retirement, emergency savings, nice place to live, etc) and keep in your wallet as a reminder!
posted by misskaz at 8:36 AM on April 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
I see some similarities to what I experienced. My cycle tended to involve being really "good" (unnecessary moral judgement) for a while about not spending ANY money on myself (unrealistic goal), then suddenly getting into a fit of hating all my clothes or boredom or low self-esteem & going on a shopping spree that often continued for days/weeks (no healthy boundaries for spending). It was like once that not-spending-money dam broke, it was really hard to reign in again. I felt ashamed which made me want to ignore the problem, but also got pleasure from nice new things. It also sometimes involved putting things on my credit card even when I had the cash because I wanted the cash on hand for "emergencies". What I realize now is I did that because I had no budget so I had no idea if I was spending my rent money on shoes. It felt "safer" to throw it on the card with the intent of paying it off at the end of the month, but that rarely worked out. It's complicated and emotional, not rational, and I empathize so much with you!
What's helped me is that I've recognized that completely austere living is NOT morally good, helpful, or healthy, and now I plan accordingly. For $60k income you should have plenty of room in your budget for fun money in addition to staying on top of bills and savings goals*. They key is to PLAN to spend a reasonable amount that money, not try to lock yourself down to not spending any money and then feeling shame when you break down. Because we all need the flexibility to stop at the grocery store for some fancy cheese now and then. Therapy may be needed to figure out the emotional side of this and to get outside that cycle of shame.
*You also might want to look into whether there are better ways to manage your current debt. Are your student loan payments super high? Maybe you can get into a different payment plan or refinance at a lower interest rate to make them more manageable. Maybe you can consolidate your credit cards similarly. But while this can be helpful, it will only solve your problems long-term if you are committed to using that extra cash flow towards savings or debt-reduction goals.
Is your rent out of control high? Another thing to consider. You may choose to spend more on rent than others are willing to, and that's ok if it's a conscious choice offset by spending less in other areas. But you have to remember when you're tempted to overspend about the choices you made and why you made them. Maybe even write down your goals (retirement, emergency savings, nice place to live, etc) and keep in your wallet as a reminder!
posted by misskaz at 8:36 AM on April 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
The best thing I did to help myself when I was in this place was to carry around a tiny notebook and write down every single thing - item and amount - that I spent money on. I'd review it at least daily and started to get some perspective on my spending. If I realized that I was spending $10 a day on lunch, I'd be more inclined to spend $5 on lunch the next day and drink water or skip an afternoon coffee.
The best thing about this is that even if you feel like you have your spending under control and you stop keeping track, it's easy enough to start it up again. Sometimes just thinking about that tiny notebook and my entries in it is enough to help me curb my spending.
posted by bendy at 6:41 PM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
The best thing about this is that even if you feel like you have your spending under control and you stop keeping track, it's easy enough to start it up again. Sometimes just thinking about that tiny notebook and my entries in it is enough to help me curb my spending.
posted by bendy at 6:41 PM on April 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I began to educate myself on money, starting with basic (and not necessarily great) stuff like money magazine and Jane Bryant Quinn. Probably the most important thing I did was began AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCTING money into a 401k. (IRA if you do not have one). And I decided no matter how much I made I would somehow spend less. It worked.
I have a nuclear solution I am going to offer you right now. Go find some 65 y.o. plus homeless women and hang around with them for awhile. A good long while. Then decide if you really want the future that they have. If you do, keep doing what you are doing. If you do not, resign your self to the tradeoff you are making for having a bunch of meaningless trinkets is an incredibly difficult life in the future.
The absolutely great news is you are young enough that you are in terrfic shape if you start now. I can not describe to you how pleasant it is to get your money working for you, producing money of it's own. There is nothing I could possibly buy that is as satisfactory as financial freedom.
hope this helps. there is a lot more to say about this, i hope something in there is useful. kind regards.
posted by jcworth at 12:12 PM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]