Need some perspective and advice
March 31, 2015 2:57 PM Subscribe
Going through a rough time with my relationship. Anxiety, chronic pain, frustration and anger...
My bf and I have been together for three and a half years (I'm a girl). Around the time of this happening, we'd been dating a year, and I was a grad student in a demanding program and he worked full-time while attending school. I love him a lot and he loves me. I'll try to stick to the facts, more or less:
-Shortly after we met and began dating, he suffered a work accident and developed severe chronic back pain that is ongoing. Several months later, he switched jobs and started school again, and we became long distance.
-The anxiety about his condition and pain skyrocketed for about a year and a half after he was diagnosed. This led to a lot of emotional turmoil, for both of us. I'm less of a clinger and he is the opposite, so he was constantly calling or texting me during the day and night. I would try my best to make time in my day and talk to him. He had a tendency to explode with a lot of emotion over text or phone call: a lot of anxiety, very negative thinking (things won't ever get better), self-pity, questioning why I would ever want to be with him. I tried to address his insecurities, talk about how it was important to feel hopeful, seek out other avenues of treatment, etc. It was a lot for me to deal with but I wanted to be supportive and make him feel secure. At the same time, my emotional bank was running low, especially towards the end of the year.
-Sometime during that year, my mom died. I flew back to OR, took care of her in the hospital and then hospice before her death. While I was doing this, I'd keep in touch with my bf. One of our first conversations that we had, he told me again how hopeless everything was and that things would never get better. I totally mentally could not handle it. I excused myself from the phone call and went back to my mom's hospital room. We exchanged a few emails a few hours later, with him saying that he wanted comfort and that he wished things wouldn't be all about his problems all the time but he couldn't help it. I scolded him in reply saying that this was an awful time for me and I was stretched thin emotionally, and I was not there to dispense comfort when he needed it. Subsequently, he tried his best to be supportive and ask how I was doing, but I felt very cold and empty about it.
-After that ordeal, I came back to school and wanted to bring up again how it made me feel to hear him say those things while I was going through a rough time. So I brought it up again because I wanted to make a point that I was still grieving, and I needed him to be more sympathetic and lessen the emotional burden. Right when I finished speaking, he said "Well, how do you think I feel." I felt like shit and dropped it immediately after that, and we either ended the phone call or switched topics.
-Earlier in the relationship, I'd asked him to do CBT or talk to someone because it was getting to the point that I was shouldering a lot of the emotional support. It was exhausting me. I would bring it up, but he would immediately freak out that I was breaking up with him, so then I spent the rest of the conversation calming him down and reassuring him that I wasn't leaving him. So then I became fearful of bringing up my needs because of the blow-out reaction it would cause. I would then get upset at him over small things, like him not doing the dishes when I'd visit, or not being thoughtful enough and not buying me little gifts (stuff I'd do for him).
-I'd visit him every other month, and I'm the kind of person that likes to go out every once in awhile. Not like clubbing or something, but just something simple to entertain ourselves. We sometimes had little to do (could not have sex often due to his back pain), so I said that I'd like to do more things when I would visit him, and could he think of a place around the area that we could go to, or explore the town, whatever. He got irritated and was like, "I don't want to feel like I have to plan all these activities when you visit me." I felt hurt by that, and told him I was bored with the relationship. He then promptly freaked out. I really regret saying that because it hurt him a lot.
-After passing my exams, I began to seriously question my desire to remain in the program. So I decided that I'd leave with my master's. I was fearful of moving in with my boyfriend -- I felt like he'd be an emotional drain on me while I put my life together in a new place, tried to<< find a new job. But I broached the idea in a conversation because he'd always wanted to live together. In truth, I want to move in with him eventually but at that time I didn't feel ready. My father was all alone after my mother died, and our family home was partially destroyed in a freak accident literally two months after her death. Ugh. Anyway, I felt torn. I wanted to be there for my dad and find a job in my hometown because I'd built up connections to the industry from my post-college job. Plus, home is home and my home is awesome. I had no work connections in my boyfriend's town, and his emotional instability worried me to no end. Still, I brought moving into his place as a suggestion (to this day, I have no idea why -- did I not want him to feel hurt? I still want to move in with him when I feel like I have the beginnings of a career under my belt, the funds to move, and a healthier mental state). He said it wasn't a good idea because of sex-related stuff and pain. Okay, so I changed my mind and decided I'd move back home to the West Coast.
-Sometime later, I had another conversation with him about how I wasn't feeling good about the relationship. I read some stuff about anxiety and codependence, and I wanted each of us to write a list of what we're looking for in a partner, what we want out of a relationship, and what was and was not working in our relationship. He freaked out again, saying I was going to break up again. I told him that I wasn't, and he was doing the catastrophic thinking again, and how my needs get pushed to the side when stuff like this happens. I said that I just wanted us to understand each other better. I also added that I needed acknowledgement of my frustrations. He said he wasn't strong enough to do that. Okay... I felt like shit again.
-We had a nice long Winter Break visit. We didn't talk about our lists. We had fun, it was a good visit and there were lots of warm feelings.
-My move was very hurtful for him. He took it as me not needing or wanting him, so in our last visit, he broke up with me a day after I flew in. I triggered it when I relayed a story someone told me about how this neighboring town in his area was boring (that was my bad -- I constantly complained about the city I lived in for school and he rightfully got sick of me putting down places other than my hometown). We had a fight, I got a hotel room and switched my plane tickets. Then we made up over the phone (actually I called him to yell at him because I was so angry). He picked me up, I switched my plane tickets back, we had a good visit. We went over our lists like I had wanted to. After flying back, I was able to process it all, and now that I'm home... I don't feel good about what happened.
---------------
So now... I feel like an emotional wreck. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I don't. I was sad at first, but my main emotion is anger. After some thinking, my anger probably stems mostly from feeling like I wasn't heard. Also angry that I didn't push myself hard enough to be heard. I want to know how to get past this. I bitched him out over text yesterday when I was angry, and he said that he wants me to work through the anger because it's not healthy or constructive. I agree. He said he felt assaulted by all the mistakes he made in the past when I bitched him out.
My question is essentially: What can I do to deal with anger in a constructive way? What can I do to change the dynamic in our relationship? I told him that I need him to acknowledge my anger over things. Otherwise, I feel crazy for being angry, and that just fuels the anger even more. He says he wants to help me feel better and do whatever he can. At this point, I'm such a jumble of emotions that I don't even know what to ask of him besides just recognizing my frustration and validating it. We agreed we'd go to couples therapy when we are living together. Currently, I'm trying to keep myself occupied and eat right and exercise. I have a doctor's appointment next week if I need a referral to see someone. My other commitments are keeping me busy and out of the house. I used to feel strong but not anymore. I do know it will take time to feel better. Things just feel rough right now.
My bf and I have been together for three and a half years (I'm a girl). Around the time of this happening, we'd been dating a year, and I was a grad student in a demanding program and he worked full-time while attending school. I love him a lot and he loves me. I'll try to stick to the facts, more or less:
-Shortly after we met and began dating, he suffered a work accident and developed severe chronic back pain that is ongoing. Several months later, he switched jobs and started school again, and we became long distance.
-The anxiety about his condition and pain skyrocketed for about a year and a half after he was diagnosed. This led to a lot of emotional turmoil, for both of us. I'm less of a clinger and he is the opposite, so he was constantly calling or texting me during the day and night. I would try my best to make time in my day and talk to him. He had a tendency to explode with a lot of emotion over text or phone call: a lot of anxiety, very negative thinking (things won't ever get better), self-pity, questioning why I would ever want to be with him. I tried to address his insecurities, talk about how it was important to feel hopeful, seek out other avenues of treatment, etc. It was a lot for me to deal with but I wanted to be supportive and make him feel secure. At the same time, my emotional bank was running low, especially towards the end of the year.
-Sometime during that year, my mom died. I flew back to OR, took care of her in the hospital and then hospice before her death. While I was doing this, I'd keep in touch with my bf. One of our first conversations that we had, he told me again how hopeless everything was and that things would never get better. I totally mentally could not handle it. I excused myself from the phone call and went back to my mom's hospital room. We exchanged a few emails a few hours later, with him saying that he wanted comfort and that he wished things wouldn't be all about his problems all the time but he couldn't help it. I scolded him in reply saying that this was an awful time for me and I was stretched thin emotionally, and I was not there to dispense comfort when he needed it. Subsequently, he tried his best to be supportive and ask how I was doing, but I felt very cold and empty about it.
-After that ordeal, I came back to school and wanted to bring up again how it made me feel to hear him say those things while I was going through a rough time. So I brought it up again because I wanted to make a point that I was still grieving, and I needed him to be more sympathetic and lessen the emotional burden. Right when I finished speaking, he said "Well, how do you think I feel." I felt like shit and dropped it immediately after that, and we either ended the phone call or switched topics.
-Earlier in the relationship, I'd asked him to do CBT or talk to someone because it was getting to the point that I was shouldering a lot of the emotional support. It was exhausting me. I would bring it up, but he would immediately freak out that I was breaking up with him, so then I spent the rest of the conversation calming him down and reassuring him that I wasn't leaving him. So then I became fearful of bringing up my needs because of the blow-out reaction it would cause. I would then get upset at him over small things, like him not doing the dishes when I'd visit, or not being thoughtful enough and not buying me little gifts (stuff I'd do for him).
-I'd visit him every other month, and I'm the kind of person that likes to go out every once in awhile. Not like clubbing or something, but just something simple to entertain ourselves. We sometimes had little to do (could not have sex often due to his back pain), so I said that I'd like to do more things when I would visit him, and could he think of a place around the area that we could go to, or explore the town, whatever. He got irritated and was like, "I don't want to feel like I have to plan all these activities when you visit me." I felt hurt by that, and told him I was bored with the relationship. He then promptly freaked out. I really regret saying that because it hurt him a lot.
-After passing my exams, I began to seriously question my desire to remain in the program. So I decided that I'd leave with my master's. I was fearful of moving in with my boyfriend -- I felt like he'd be an emotional drain on me while I put my life together in a new place, tried to<< find a new job. But I broached the idea in a conversation because he'd always wanted to live together. In truth, I want to move in with him eventually but at that time I didn't feel ready. My father was all alone after my mother died, and our family home was partially destroyed in a freak accident literally two months after her death. Ugh. Anyway, I felt torn. I wanted to be there for my dad and find a job in my hometown because I'd built up connections to the industry from my post-college job. Plus, home is home and my home is awesome. I had no work connections in my boyfriend's town, and his emotional instability worried me to no end. Still, I brought moving into his place as a suggestion (to this day, I have no idea why -- did I not want him to feel hurt? I still want to move in with him when I feel like I have the beginnings of a career under my belt, the funds to move, and a healthier mental state). He said it wasn't a good idea because of sex-related stuff and pain. Okay, so I changed my mind and decided I'd move back home to the West Coast.
-Sometime later, I had another conversation with him about how I wasn't feeling good about the relationship. I read some stuff about anxiety and codependence, and I wanted each of us to write a list of what we're looking for in a partner, what we want out of a relationship, and what was and was not working in our relationship. He freaked out again, saying I was going to break up again. I told him that I wasn't, and he was doing the catastrophic thinking again, and how my needs get pushed to the side when stuff like this happens. I said that I just wanted us to understand each other better. I also added that I needed acknowledgement of my frustrations. He said he wasn't strong enough to do that. Okay... I felt like shit again.
-We had a nice long Winter Break visit. We didn't talk about our lists. We had fun, it was a good visit and there were lots of warm feelings.
-My move was very hurtful for him. He took it as me not needing or wanting him, so in our last visit, he broke up with me a day after I flew in. I triggered it when I relayed a story someone told me about how this neighboring town in his area was boring (that was my bad -- I constantly complained about the city I lived in for school and he rightfully got sick of me putting down places other than my hometown). We had a fight, I got a hotel room and switched my plane tickets. Then we made up over the phone (actually I called him to yell at him because I was so angry). He picked me up, I switched my plane tickets back, we had a good visit. We went over our lists like I had wanted to. After flying back, I was able to process it all, and now that I'm home... I don't feel good about what happened.
---------------
So now... I feel like an emotional wreck. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I don't. I was sad at first, but my main emotion is anger. After some thinking, my anger probably stems mostly from feeling like I wasn't heard. Also angry that I didn't push myself hard enough to be heard. I want to know how to get past this. I bitched him out over text yesterday when I was angry, and he said that he wants me to work through the anger because it's not healthy or constructive. I agree. He said he felt assaulted by all the mistakes he made in the past when I bitched him out.
My question is essentially: What can I do to deal with anger in a constructive way? What can I do to change the dynamic in our relationship? I told him that I need him to acknowledge my anger over things. Otherwise, I feel crazy for being angry, and that just fuels the anger even more. He says he wants to help me feel better and do whatever he can. At this point, I'm such a jumble of emotions that I don't even know what to ask of him besides just recognizing my frustration and validating it. We agreed we'd go to couples therapy when we are living together. Currently, I'm trying to keep myself occupied and eat right and exercise. I have a doctor's appointment next week if I need a referral to see someone. My other commitments are keeping me busy and out of the house. I used to feel strong but not anymore. I do know it will take time to feel better. Things just feel rough right now.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Do not move in with him. Re-read what you wrote. Him 'acknowledging' your anger while being unwilling. or unable to get himself to therapy to deal with his anxiety or provide you with emotional support is not going to help you. He may not mean to, but by redirecting those conversations to. solve problems to be all about you reassuring him, you're not able to ever address them.
I'm hoping you're getting your own therapist to talk to, it may be useful in helping you decide what you want for yourself.
posted by canine epigram at 3:13 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'm hoping you're getting your own therapist to talk to, it may be useful in helping you decide what you want for yourself.
posted by canine epigram at 3:13 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'm trying hard to find the part where you're doing something unreasonable. But you aren't.
You're feeling crazy because his behaviour is crazy-making. Your demands are reasonable even if you can't spell out for him like a pre-schooler how exactly you want to be heard. He's just not willing to pay anything into the relationship bank.
I also added that I needed acknowledgement of my frustrations. He said he wasn't strong enough to do that.
Yeah, well, what do you say to that? He's not able to pull his emotional weight in this relationship. Then he makes it sound like your fault and freaks out about you leaving him whenever you stand up for yourself. So now you don't want to prove him right by leaving him.
I feel so bad for you right now. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who can give you some TLC.
So it would make him feel terrible but so what? You tried in a hundred different ways to tell him what needs to change and he didn't. Maybe he couldn't. But that doesn't mean you need to stay with him and his egocentric misery. His life and his happiness are things only he can fix. You need to go fix your own.
You have a good head on your shoulders, you stood up for yourself multiple times. You aren't crazy or weird or unreasonable. Don't let him make his100 percent personal problems into your attitude problem. You're a great partner. Go. Find someone who can both take and give.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:17 PM on March 31, 2015 [34 favorites]
You're feeling crazy because his behaviour is crazy-making. Your demands are reasonable even if you can't spell out for him like a pre-schooler how exactly you want to be heard. He's just not willing to pay anything into the relationship bank.
I also added that I needed acknowledgement of my frustrations. He said he wasn't strong enough to do that.
Yeah, well, what do you say to that? He's not able to pull his emotional weight in this relationship. Then he makes it sound like your fault and freaks out about you leaving him whenever you stand up for yourself. So now you don't want to prove him right by leaving him.
I feel so bad for you right now. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who can give you some TLC.
So it would make him feel terrible but so what? You tried in a hundred different ways to tell him what needs to change and he didn't. Maybe he couldn't. But that doesn't mean you need to stay with him and his egocentric misery. His life and his happiness are things only he can fix. You need to go fix your own.
You have a good head on your shoulders, you stood up for yourself multiple times. You aren't crazy or weird or unreasonable. Don't let him make his100 percent personal problems into your attitude problem. You're a great partner. Go. Find someone who can both take and give.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:17 PM on March 31, 2015 [34 favorites]
Please don't move in with or marry him. That shit gets a lot worse. Ask me how I know.
He sounds like he's legitimately struggling, but when you're in a partnership, you put your own needs aside when something like "PARTNER'S MOM IS DYING" happens. For fuck's sake.
It really sounds like he's immature and failing to support even himself under the circumstances of his life. You should walk away now. It only gets worse from here.
posted by guster4lovers at 3:21 PM on March 31, 2015 [47 favorites]
He sounds like he's legitimately struggling, but when you're in a partnership, you put your own needs aside when something like "PARTNER'S MOM IS DYING" happens. For fuck's sake.
It really sounds like he's immature and failing to support even himself under the circumstances of his life. You should walk away now. It only gets worse from here.
posted by guster4lovers at 3:21 PM on March 31, 2015 [47 favorites]
I got as far as you being with your dying mom and him ".. saying that he wanted comfort and that he wished things wouldn't be all about his problems all the time but he couldn't help it"before I got angry too. You are angry because he is being unfair and selfish and anger is a natural reaction to treatment like that. He has been through some trauma himself, clearly, but to not be able to recognize when someone else, let alone his supportive and loving partner needs him to hold her up is just wrong on many levels.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:23 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:23 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
When I read that he broke up with you I thought "oh thank goodness" which is not a reaction I tend to have because breakups are terrible.
But our close relationships should bring Good to our lives. Good with a capital G. They should not just be fun, or easy, or pleasant. They should let goodness in. They should give us something solid when everything else is shaken, like when a parent dies. They should give us strength. They should make us laugh and give us someone to share things with.
What was on your list? I urge you to go and find it. First with yourself, and then with another person. Because we must love ourselves before we can love another. Sorry for the cliche but it is totally and undeniably true.
I hope you find the courage to walk away and the strength to stay gone. This man is not adding Good to your life and you deserve better.
posted by sockermom at 3:30 PM on March 31, 2015 [10 favorites]
But our close relationships should bring Good to our lives. Good with a capital G. They should not just be fun, or easy, or pleasant. They should let goodness in. They should give us something solid when everything else is shaken, like when a parent dies. They should give us strength. They should make us laugh and give us someone to share things with.
What was on your list? I urge you to go and find it. First with yourself, and then with another person. Because we must love ourselves before we can love another. Sorry for the cliche but it is totally and undeniably true.
I hope you find the courage to walk away and the strength to stay gone. This man is not adding Good to your life and you deserve better.
posted by sockermom at 3:30 PM on March 31, 2015 [10 favorites]
He has told you point-blank, multiple times, that his needs will always be more important than yours.
Anger is a healthy and appropriate response to someone trampling all over your own expressed needs.
If you want to stop feeling angry, he needs to stop prioritizing himself and taking so much from you, or you need to stop giving so much to him, or (most likely) both. Whether that can happen while maintaining a romantic relationship will likely depend on how much he's willing to change. It will likely not depend on your never being angry.
You may want to read Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
posted by jaguar at 3:30 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
Anger is a healthy and appropriate response to someone trampling all over your own expressed needs.
If you want to stop feeling angry, he needs to stop prioritizing himself and taking so much from you, or you need to stop giving so much to him, or (most likely) both. Whether that can happen while maintaining a romantic relationship will likely depend on how much he's willing to change. It will likely not depend on your never being angry.
You may want to read Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.
posted by jaguar at 3:30 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
Sometimes anger is a reaction of desperately needing something to stop. You asked "What can I do to deal with anger in a constructive way? " I think I'm this case your anger is your own self trying to tell you that this situation isn't good and needs to stop. Honor your anger and yourself by putting a stop to this. Look how lucky you are and how easy it will be to make a clean break. I think you're a very smart, self-aware person who is letting someone else twist your head around anyway. You'll be happier and better off when that doesn't happen anymore.
posted by bleep at 3:32 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 3:32 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think the best way for you to fix your relationship dynamic is to end the relationship. He's being collossally selfish and manipulative, and making you feel bad for asserting the most minimal of your emotional needs.
You have given this a solid honest effort. A relationship can't work, however, if only one person is pulling their weight. Walk away, you deserve better.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:43 PM on March 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
You have given this a solid honest effort. A relationship can't work, however, if only one person is pulling their weight. Walk away, you deserve better.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:43 PM on March 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
You know, guster4lovers' comment made me remember vividly a conversation I had with a friend many years ago, when I was in agony over a tortured relationship. I said to her, "But he was so good when my mother died!" and she said, "Jane, that's the LEAST anyone can do. That is NOT how you judge a relationship, because when your mother is dying, even the worst person will act nice." Notice, extramundane, that your experience was exactly the opposite. If you weren't angry, I would worry that you weren't allowing yourself awareness of your emotions.
posted by janey47 at 3:51 PM on March 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 3:51 PM on March 31, 2015 [25 favorites]
I think you are having a hard time processing or accepting your own needs without feeling guilty about it.
You should see a therapist.
It will be helpful for you to resolve your anxiety and fears first before you try to wade deeper into this morass.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 3:53 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
You should see a therapist.
It will be helpful for you to resolve your anxiety and fears first before you try to wade deeper into this morass.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 3:53 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
Reading what you wrote, I'm not at all sure what you're getting out of the relationship. Anything at all? What would it be? And I don't understand what on earth you feel guilty about - do you not think you have any human rights? - and why you feel responsible for his misery. Why? Why do you? Why would you want to move in with someone who whines at you all the time? How will you be able to stand it? Phones you and texts you to whine at you all through the working day? How did you put up with it?
It's like you're on the other end of somebody's OCD with the permanent misery and need to be reassured. Like it's a reflex, it's just what he does, specifically to you. It's not as if you're going to change anything for him - his holding pattern is to feel what he feels and to use you to ....prolong the amount of time he can wallow in it vocally. How long do you want to spend doing that?
I really feel for you, you've had such a difficult time, and you are grieving as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been there for everyone and I would think you need a break from that. There was so much pain in your letter it hurt to read it. I hope you can take some time out from all this, grieve, and recoup and maybe think about taking up your programme again also if it's feasible, because you took that decision as a result of a crisis.
I'm sorry not to have any useful advice, but really truly best wishes to you, look after yourself. For a change.
posted by glasseyes at 4:02 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's like you're on the other end of somebody's OCD with the permanent misery and need to be reassured. Like it's a reflex, it's just what he does, specifically to you. It's not as if you're going to change anything for him - his holding pattern is to feel what he feels and to use you to ....prolong the amount of time he can wallow in it vocally. How long do you want to spend doing that?
I really feel for you, you've had such a difficult time, and you are grieving as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been there for everyone and I would think you need a break from that. There was so much pain in your letter it hurt to read it. I hope you can take some time out from all this, grieve, and recoup and maybe think about taking up your programme again also if it's feasible, because you took that decision as a result of a crisis.
I'm sorry not to have any useful advice, but really truly best wishes to you, look after yourself. For a change.
posted by glasseyes at 4:02 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
He's constantly emotionally manipulating you, he makes everything about his needs, he throws a fit every time you try to discuss the relationship or your needs, he expects you to take care of him and he gives very little care back... He sounds awful.
Your anger is a natural response to someone treating you poorly. Listen to that response.
posted by fireandthud at 4:06 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your anger is a natural response to someone treating you poorly. Listen to that response.
posted by fireandthud at 4:06 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
He got irritated and was like, "I don't want to feel like I have to plan all these activities when you visit me."
Ugh. What a baby.
Your question, to me, reads like a classic AskMe conundrum. You're the person holding your hand to an incredibly stove burner, asking, "How can I make this less painful? Why am I angry?" And it's really hard to give you an answer that includes, "Keep holding your hand there! Don't be a quitter! Maybe thinking about snow will help!"
This a ton of bullshit, guilt trips and whining for a two year relationship. You're angry because you're doing all the emotional work. You're angry because this relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling. You're angry because your partner is selfish, insecure, and immature.
And yet, you think your anger is the problem and that you're responsible for changing the dynamic of your relationship. You're still shouldering all the responsibility.
I don't know what to say other than, "Stop holding your hand to a hot stove burner."
posted by Squeak Attack at 4:13 PM on March 31, 2015 [49 favorites]
Ugh. What a baby.
Your question, to me, reads like a classic AskMe conundrum. You're the person holding your hand to an incredibly stove burner, asking, "How can I make this less painful? Why am I angry?" And it's really hard to give you an answer that includes, "Keep holding your hand there! Don't be a quitter! Maybe thinking about snow will help!"
This a ton of bullshit, guilt trips and whining for a two year relationship. You're angry because you're doing all the emotional work. You're angry because this relationship isn't emotionally fulfilling. You're angry because your partner is selfish, insecure, and immature.
And yet, you think your anger is the problem and that you're responsible for changing the dynamic of your relationship. You're still shouldering all the responsibility.
I don't know what to say other than, "Stop holding your hand to a hot stove burner."
posted by Squeak Attack at 4:13 PM on March 31, 2015 [49 favorites]
He is still really hurt that I didn't move in with him after I left my program.
Like...it just doesn't make sense to me in a healthy and reasonable relationship, he'd say that you shouldn't move in with him, and then turn around and be angry and hurt that you didn't move in with him.
My ex pulled this on me once. I told him I was ready and willing to move to his small town and start our lives together, and he turned me down flat, because he said I would end up regretting it and resenting him. Then when I moved to the other side of the state for a teaching position, he would bring up during arguments how little I cared about him and how he felt like I would rather have a job than be with him. I eventually got tired of being told how I felt about things.
Sound familiar, OP?
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:34 PM on March 31, 2015 [8 favorites]
Like...it just doesn't make sense to me in a healthy and reasonable relationship, he'd say that you shouldn't move in with him, and then turn around and be angry and hurt that you didn't move in with him.
My ex pulled this on me once. I told him I was ready and willing to move to his small town and start our lives together, and he turned me down flat, because he said I would end up regretting it and resenting him. Then when I moved to the other side of the state for a teaching position, he would bring up during arguments how little I cared about him and how he felt like I would rather have a job than be with him. I eventually got tired of being told how I felt about things.
Sound familiar, OP?
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:34 PM on March 31, 2015 [8 favorites]
That's called a "double bind", a la R.D.Laing.
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:06 PM on March 31, 2015
posted by DMelanogaster at 5:06 PM on March 31, 2015
If you're worried that leaving him will trigger a meltdown or wound him so badly he can't recover, have a hard look at his circumstances. He's living independently, with a therapist, medical support and managing to keep up his studies at a minimum - he's got a pretty decent support system there if he wants to access it, and clearly he is accessing it when it suits him, but downplaying it when he can use your sympathy for his real problems to force you to put his needs way ahead of your own.
My ex went on about how he'd rather die than be without me, and I've realised he does that not because he's expressing genuine pain but because he knows it will get sympathy from me. The moment I give in, he's immediately calm and happy again, which with someone who is genuinely in a crisis, does not happen fast.
This guy has plenty of support. He will be okay if you leave him. Angry and upset that his favourite comfort toy is gone, but not broken.
You will break if you stay with him. There's a whole wonderful world out there of people who will be kind and interested in you as much as you are in them.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:09 PM on March 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
My ex went on about how he'd rather die than be without me, and I've realised he does that not because he's expressing genuine pain but because he knows it will get sympathy from me. The moment I give in, he's immediately calm and happy again, which with someone who is genuinely in a crisis, does not happen fast.
This guy has plenty of support. He will be okay if you leave him. Angry and upset that his favourite comfort toy is gone, but not broken.
You will break if you stay with him. There's a whole wonderful world out there of people who will be kind and interested in you as much as you are in them.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:09 PM on March 31, 2015 [11 favorites]
I don't see what you are getting from this relationship. Here's what you are not getting:
- Sex
- Someone to hold you and listen to your problems
- Support for your grief in losing your mother
- Support for beginning your profession
- Fun, interesting visits to your bf
I think all of these things are what a person can reasonably expect from an intimate relationship. Do you?
posted by tuesdayschild at 6:38 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
- Sex
- Someone to hold you and listen to your problems
- Support for your grief in losing your mother
- Support for beginning your profession
- Fun, interesting visits to your bf
I think all of these things are what a person can reasonably expect from an intimate relationship. Do you?
posted by tuesdayschild at 6:38 PM on March 31, 2015 [13 favorites]
Thanks for the update, OP.
You strike me as a really kind and caring person who wants to support someone in a difficult position, despite his lack of care or support for you. That's great and admirable. Relationships shouldn't be constantly accounting for who does what, and you not keeping score says a lot about your character. And his inability to acknowledge his shitty behaviour says a lot about him.
Like I said, I've been there. I also have chronic pain. I have for 11.6 years (I can tell you the exact day. It's the day that changed my life forever). No official diagnosis, nothing that can really be done but medication that just about takes the edge off, but that's it. I'm in pain every minute of my life, and probably will be forever.
So I'm speaking from a place of experience here.
Chronic pain does not give you the right to be a dick.
It took losing a few friendships for me to realise that my pain is MY RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, I ask for help when I need it. Yes, I tell my partner when I'm having a particularly rough day, and there are times when he takes care of me, or talks me down emotionally.
But those are rare now, because part of being a grown-ass adult is not being so focused on ME all the time that I don't notice that everyone else has needs too. In fact, most of my current friends don't know the extent of the pain. Some don't know about it at all. That's my choice because I don't want chronic pain to be the thing that defines me. I want to be the person who is kind, helpful, compassionate, and generous.
Chronic pain will steal those things if you let it. But ultimately, the pain is not in control. Your BF is letting it control him to the point that it is actually causing you chronic emotional pain.
I know enough about how shitty pain is to know that I don't want people I love, especially the person I love MOST, to be in pain because of me.
Your BF is choosing to cause you pain in an attempt to lessen his own. That's childish and selfish beyond belief.
I know you want to see the best in him and salvage this somehow.
But if your sister, or your best friend, came to you and described this situation, wouldn't you tell them to DTMFA?
posted by guster4lovers at 7:10 PM on March 31, 2015 [23 favorites]
You strike me as a really kind and caring person who wants to support someone in a difficult position, despite his lack of care or support for you. That's great and admirable. Relationships shouldn't be constantly accounting for who does what, and you not keeping score says a lot about your character. And his inability to acknowledge his shitty behaviour says a lot about him.
Like I said, I've been there. I also have chronic pain. I have for 11.6 years (I can tell you the exact day. It's the day that changed my life forever). No official diagnosis, nothing that can really be done but medication that just about takes the edge off, but that's it. I'm in pain every minute of my life, and probably will be forever.
So I'm speaking from a place of experience here.
Chronic pain does not give you the right to be a dick.
It took losing a few friendships for me to realise that my pain is MY RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, I ask for help when I need it. Yes, I tell my partner when I'm having a particularly rough day, and there are times when he takes care of me, or talks me down emotionally.
But those are rare now, because part of being a grown-ass adult is not being so focused on ME all the time that I don't notice that everyone else has needs too. In fact, most of my current friends don't know the extent of the pain. Some don't know about it at all. That's my choice because I don't want chronic pain to be the thing that defines me. I want to be the person who is kind, helpful, compassionate, and generous.
Chronic pain will steal those things if you let it. But ultimately, the pain is not in control. Your BF is letting it control him to the point that it is actually causing you chronic emotional pain.
I know enough about how shitty pain is to know that I don't want people I love, especially the person I love MOST, to be in pain because of me.
Your BF is choosing to cause you pain in an attempt to lessen his own. That's childish and selfish beyond belief.
I know you want to see the best in him and salvage this somehow.
But if your sister, or your best friend, came to you and described this situation, wouldn't you tell them to DTMFA?
posted by guster4lovers at 7:10 PM on March 31, 2015 [23 favorites]
Is this really the best you can do? Really?
(There are 3,500,000,000 other males on the planet. )
How long do you want to work this clearly unsuccessful project?
Note that from your own description, it started off mediocre and has gotten consistently worse.
Do you have a history of ignoring bad decisions that you may have made?
Dating is about trying people out until you find a people that works. When they don't work, you try the next one. You have a PhD. It suggests some horsepower up there.
Don't over think this.... is your relationship mutually satisfying and growth producing? Have your efforts to make it so had any associated positive movement? Do you think another 2 years are going to turn a needy, sick, not-that-promising man into a good mate you want to make babies with? Is he the kind of dad you dream of?
posted by FauxScot at 7:20 PM on March 31, 2015
(There are 3,500,000,000 other males on the planet. )
How long do you want to work this clearly unsuccessful project?
Note that from your own description, it started off mediocre and has gotten consistently worse.
Do you have a history of ignoring bad decisions that you may have made?
Dating is about trying people out until you find a people that works. When they don't work, you try the next one. You have a PhD. It suggests some horsepower up there.
Don't over think this.... is your relationship mutually satisfying and growth producing? Have your efforts to make it so had any associated positive movement? Do you think another 2 years are going to turn a needy, sick, not-that-promising man into a good mate you want to make babies with? Is he the kind of dad you dream of?
posted by FauxScot at 7:20 PM on March 31, 2015
Like...it just doesn't make sense to me in a healthy and reasonable relationship, he'd say that you shouldn't move in with him, and then turn around and be angry and hurt that you didn't move in with him.
Yea, really. I did a double take and actually re-read most of the post after that part because i was convinced i must have missed something, or misinterpreted something.
I started to write out a long reply, but i think that it mostly comes down to two things.
* He doesn't know what the fuck he wants, for the most part. That can be ok, but there's sort of a shit or get off the pot time limit on that. You definitely can't know what the fuck you want for years.
* Similar to what was mentioned in this recent thread, i think part of what he does know he wants here is a free therapist essentially. He wants to be able to make withdrawals from the emotional support bank without ever having to put anything in to it unless he feels like it.
Reading through this, it really doesn't sound like he wants a relationship, nor that you're getting one. You're getting some sort of cargo cult outline of one in which he gets everything he wants, tries to get it exactly when he wants it, and you get next to nothing.
I think something to remember here is that his problems are not your problems unless you chose to make them so. And really, you should only be doing that if you feel and know that your problems will be his problems if bad things were to happen.
The entire situation with your mom(and your parents house, holy shit!) is a demonstration that he won't be there and just doesn't really give a fuck in the right way. The move in/don't move in thing is like... borderline manipulative bullshit too in that basically any decision you make is wrong unless it's exactly what he wants right at that moment. You're supposed to just drop whatever you're doing to jump to his whim that day, then possibly jump back if he decides or realizes exactly what he now thinks he does want. An emotional short order cook, of sorts.
He said he wasn't strong enough to do that. Okay... I felt like shit again.
Well, you shouldn't, because you tried to get him to act like an adult and actually face the problems head on and he literally said "I can't deal with that".
This is, whether he realizes or you like it or not, him saying "i am not ready to have an adult relationship".
The only reason to feel like shit here is that this is the sign of a moribund relationship, and it's time to move on.
I really feel awful for you, just reading this, that you had to put up with this crap for over two years. Friends of mine have slogged through relationships like this for 5 or more years and came out of the end dented, beat up, bruised, and drained. Honestly, reading how all this has played out this will never get better and even if it does there will be a lot of crap leftover from this that will always come out in arguments. Except that it wont. He has literally said he's not "strong enough" to work on this.
What he's saying is that he isn't in a place to be in a real relationship. Which is true, he needs to figure his shit out and get it together before he can. But why should you sit around and wait for that when he wont even make the effort to consider your needs at all right now, and constantly tries to shirk even having real conversations about it and pull things back to just being about him? Fuckkkk all this.
posted by emptythought at 7:22 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yea, really. I did a double take and actually re-read most of the post after that part because i was convinced i must have missed something, or misinterpreted something.
I started to write out a long reply, but i think that it mostly comes down to two things.
* He doesn't know what the fuck he wants, for the most part. That can be ok, but there's sort of a shit or get off the pot time limit on that. You definitely can't know what the fuck you want for years.
* Similar to what was mentioned in this recent thread, i think part of what he does know he wants here is a free therapist essentially. He wants to be able to make withdrawals from the emotional support bank without ever having to put anything in to it unless he feels like it.
Reading through this, it really doesn't sound like he wants a relationship, nor that you're getting one. You're getting some sort of cargo cult outline of one in which he gets everything he wants, tries to get it exactly when he wants it, and you get next to nothing.
I think something to remember here is that his problems are not your problems unless you chose to make them so. And really, you should only be doing that if you feel and know that your problems will be his problems if bad things were to happen.
The entire situation with your mom(and your parents house, holy shit!) is a demonstration that he won't be there and just doesn't really give a fuck in the right way. The move in/don't move in thing is like... borderline manipulative bullshit too in that basically any decision you make is wrong unless it's exactly what he wants right at that moment. You're supposed to just drop whatever you're doing to jump to his whim that day, then possibly jump back if he decides or realizes exactly what he now thinks he does want. An emotional short order cook, of sorts.
He said he wasn't strong enough to do that. Okay... I felt like shit again.
Well, you shouldn't, because you tried to get him to act like an adult and actually face the problems head on and he literally said "I can't deal with that".
This is, whether he realizes or you like it or not, him saying "i am not ready to have an adult relationship".
The only reason to feel like shit here is that this is the sign of a moribund relationship, and it's time to move on.
I really feel awful for you, just reading this, that you had to put up with this crap for over two years. Friends of mine have slogged through relationships like this for 5 or more years and came out of the end dented, beat up, bruised, and drained. Honestly, reading how all this has played out this will never get better and even if it does there will be a lot of crap leftover from this that will always come out in arguments. Except that it wont. He has literally said he's not "strong enough" to work on this.
What he's saying is that he isn't in a place to be in a real relationship. Which is true, he needs to figure his shit out and get it together before he can. But why should you sit around and wait for that when he wont even make the effort to consider your needs at all right now, and constantly tries to shirk even having real conversations about it and pull things back to just being about him? Fuckkkk all this.
posted by emptythought at 7:22 PM on March 31, 2015 [5 favorites]
He has chronic pain and that's hard todeal with, yeah.
And he is still responsible for his shitty behavior.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:31 PM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
And he is still responsible for his shitty behavior.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:31 PM on March 31, 2015 [3 favorites]
I dated a man with a mental illness. It was really scary and difficult. And I weep for him still sometimes because I know he has a hard life. His life is full of anguish and pain. He would sometimes take my knives and heat them up on the stovetop and burn his legs because he said it helped the pain inside find its way out. He also found that treating me like absolute garbage was helpful for easing his pain.
Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. God, I loved him so much. But he did not love me. A man who loved me - who loved himself - would have recognized he had a problem and gone and gotten help. And I realize that mental illness can be a real trick, it tells you you don't need help when you do sometimes. But I stayed and stayed and I wasted valuable years of my life hoping that he would get better. He and it only got worse. At the end I worked very hard to get him help from counselors and his own parents but it didn't work. It's tragic.
And what kind of monster dumps someone who threatens suicide? What kind of a person walks away from someone in that much pain? Emotional or physical? That's what I thought: that it would mean I was a bad person if I didn't stick around and keep trying to help.
Well, I stayed. For three years. And at the end being with him nearly almost killed me, and that is not hyperbole.
I wasn't the monster. You're not the monster. This man is chipping away at you. He is abandoning you. He's selfish and mean and your anger is telling you something. Anger is an incredibly powerful tool: it means something is not right. It's our internal way of saying "pay attention, something is wrong here." Something is wrong here. A boyfriend does not behave like this guy. I'm so sorry you didn't have support from your boyfriend when your mom passed away. I'm sorry he's abandoned you physically and emotionally. I'm sorry. You're a good person. That's obvious. Leaving him will not change that. You will still be a good person after you walk away.
He will be absolutely fine. My ex? He's fine. Surprisingly, he didn't commit suicide when I left, despite threatening it dozens of times. He didn't get treatment for his mental illness, either. He's out in the world being himself, leeching off people and using them like he used me. Yours will do the same.
I know it might hurt to hear or seem untrue but your boyfriend will be fine without you. More importantly, you will be better than fine without him.
You deserve so much better than the crumbs this guy drops for you.
posted by sockermom at 8:34 PM on March 31, 2015 [16 favorites]
Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. God, I loved him so much. But he did not love me. A man who loved me - who loved himself - would have recognized he had a problem and gone and gotten help. And I realize that mental illness can be a real trick, it tells you you don't need help when you do sometimes. But I stayed and stayed and I wasted valuable years of my life hoping that he would get better. He and it only got worse. At the end I worked very hard to get him help from counselors and his own parents but it didn't work. It's tragic.
And what kind of monster dumps someone who threatens suicide? What kind of a person walks away from someone in that much pain? Emotional or physical? That's what I thought: that it would mean I was a bad person if I didn't stick around and keep trying to help.
Well, I stayed. For three years. And at the end being with him nearly almost killed me, and that is not hyperbole.
I wasn't the monster. You're not the monster. This man is chipping away at you. He is abandoning you. He's selfish and mean and your anger is telling you something. Anger is an incredibly powerful tool: it means something is not right. It's our internal way of saying "pay attention, something is wrong here." Something is wrong here. A boyfriend does not behave like this guy. I'm so sorry you didn't have support from your boyfriend when your mom passed away. I'm sorry he's abandoned you physically and emotionally. I'm sorry. You're a good person. That's obvious. Leaving him will not change that. You will still be a good person after you walk away.
He will be absolutely fine. My ex? He's fine. Surprisingly, he didn't commit suicide when I left, despite threatening it dozens of times. He didn't get treatment for his mental illness, either. He's out in the world being himself, leeching off people and using them like he used me. Yours will do the same.
I know it might hurt to hear or seem untrue but your boyfriend will be fine without you. More importantly, you will be better than fine without him.
You deserve so much better than the crumbs this guy drops for you.
posted by sockermom at 8:34 PM on March 31, 2015 [16 favorites]
So then I became fearful of bringing up my needs because of the blow-out reaction it would cause.
he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. you are shrinking yourself around him, and you're doing it out of fear, not love. it seems impossible now, i know, but without him you will really shine as you remember who you can be.
i 'm someone who suffers with anxiety, depression, and a chronic condition that comes with pain and can affect sex. your boyfriend is using his condition to manipulate you. it's not acceptable. i would hope my husband would leave me if i ever started treating him like that.
posted by nadawi at 9:54 PM on March 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. you are shrinking yourself around him, and you're doing it out of fear, not love. it seems impossible now, i know, but without him you will really shine as you remember who you can be.
i 'm someone who suffers with anxiety, depression, and a chronic condition that comes with pain and can affect sex. your boyfriend is using his condition to manipulate you. it's not acceptable. i would hope my husband would leave me if i ever started treating him like that.
posted by nadawi at 9:54 PM on March 31, 2015 [6 favorites]
I was fearful of moving in with my boyfriend -- I felt like he'd be an emotional drain on me while I put my life together in a new place, tried to find a new job.
This is not a guy you want to spend any more of your adult life with.
posted by MadamM at 10:39 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is not a guy you want to spend any more of your adult life with.
posted by MadamM at 10:39 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]
I strongly recommend this book for your reading list.
posted by wonton endangerment at 11:29 PM on March 31, 2015
posted by wonton endangerment at 11:29 PM on March 31, 2015
I think lots of people have addressed the other stuff well, so I just want to add my two cents about living with chronic pain. I deal with it every day, and because I know it can make me cranky and irritable sometimes, or just low on energy, I work extra hard at taking good care of myself and trying not to take it out on other people, especially people I'm close to. It can be hard to balance being honest with people about how I'm feeling on any given day and not over-burdening them with something they can't do anything about. It's something I think about a lot, and struggle with sometimes. But I think the responsibility for all that rests with me, and I don't think being in pain gives you the excuse to hurt other people. So, the fact that he's in chronic pain doesn't excuse his behavior. Dealing with chronic pain excuses things like needing to take a nap in the afternoon, or only having the energy for a short walk around town instead of a long one, or needing one day of the weekend for a quiet day at home, etc. It doesn't excuse mean or emotionally abusive behavior.
posted by colfax at 3:11 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by colfax at 3:11 AM on April 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Others have already made the main points eloquently but I'd like to highlight something else arising from this point:
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Chronic pain and his condition are very hard things to deal with.
I get an impression that there's an appeal to a universal justice hidden in this (and other) comment.
That you feel bad about breaking up with him because his condition makes his life awful currently and breaking up with him would make it 'worse.'
Ultimately the question is "do I feel happy in this relationship?" Rather than whether or not it's "just" or "rational.'
posted by Erberus at 4:21 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Chronic pain and his condition are very hard things to deal with.
I get an impression that there's an appeal to a universal justice hidden in this (and other) comment.
That you feel bad about breaking up with him because his condition makes his life awful currently and breaking up with him would make it 'worse.'
Ultimately the question is "do I feel happy in this relationship?" Rather than whether or not it's "just" or "rational.'
posted by Erberus at 4:21 AM on April 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wonder whether some of this anger is actually about a feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Sometimes it's enough to know that if things get awful you can just leave, and you feel that his issues mean that you can't.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:45 AM on April 1, 2015
posted by Deathalicious at 4:45 AM on April 1, 2015
There's a lot going on in your question, and a lot that I want to respond to, but I just can't get past the way he acted when your mother was dying. What is the point of being in a relationship if your partner does not comfort and support you when a parent is dying? That is the absolute, rock bottom, bare minimum I would expect from a partner. He's not strong enough to acknowledge your frustrations? What?
I have periodic anxious episodes that sometime show up as pain. My wife occasionally falls into a depression for a few weeks. It sucks, and we're each careful to try to cut the other person a little slack when it's happening. But it's also totally acceptable and reasonable for either one of us to say to the other, "hey, I know you're going through a thing right now, but today I'm having problem X, and I need help and support." And either one of us can marshal the resources to temporarily rise above what we're dealing with to help the other.
I can see a pattern here of his using his freakouts to control you. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or not, and I don't think it actually matters. Every time you try to assert your needs, he freaks out. He preemptively freaks out at the prospect of the relationship ending, which makes you feel scared and guilty about ending it. And so here you are, presenting us with a wall of text about a draining relationship that brings nothing good into your life, and asking us not how you can extricate yourself, but how you can more productively deal with your anger. Because that's what he says you need to do.
This is a Mountain Lion Question. You're basically asking us "There's a mountain lion in my apartment and it keeps attacking me - how do I learn to cope with these attacks better?" The answer is that you don't. You get rid of the fucking mountain lion.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
I have periodic anxious episodes that sometime show up as pain. My wife occasionally falls into a depression for a few weeks. It sucks, and we're each careful to try to cut the other person a little slack when it's happening. But it's also totally acceptable and reasonable for either one of us to say to the other, "hey, I know you're going through a thing right now, but today I'm having problem X, and I need help and support." And either one of us can marshal the resources to temporarily rise above what we're dealing with to help the other.
I can see a pattern here of his using his freakouts to control you. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or not, and I don't think it actually matters. Every time you try to assert your needs, he freaks out. He preemptively freaks out at the prospect of the relationship ending, which makes you feel scared and guilty about ending it. And so here you are, presenting us with a wall of text about a draining relationship that brings nothing good into your life, and asking us not how you can extricate yourself, but how you can more productively deal with your anger. Because that's what he says you need to do.
This is a Mountain Lion Question. You're basically asking us "There's a mountain lion in my apartment and it keeps attacking me - how do I learn to cope with these attacks better?" The answer is that you don't. You get rid of the fucking mountain lion.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2015 [11 favorites]
he sounds something like me when I was on opioids for chronic pain. It was refreshing for me as a person who had been very not good about making a point of her needs: I became consumed with what I needed, was not afraid to articulate it in rude, borderline-abusive ways, and generally terrorized people around me.
Actually, it may not have just been the opiates; it might have been that plus the stress of chronic pain and the loss of bodily functions.
In short, I sympathize with the boyfriend as you've describe him, but I wouldn't have ever recommended dating me during the 2-3 years post injury when I was a) high b) plenty sorry for my self
posted by angrycat at 10:05 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Actually, it may not have just been the opiates; it might have been that plus the stress of chronic pain and the loss of bodily functions.
In short, I sympathize with the boyfriend as you've describe him, but I wouldn't have ever recommended dating me during the 2-3 years post injury when I was a) high b) plenty sorry for my self
posted by angrycat at 10:05 AM on April 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
This doesn't sound fun.
What can I do to deal with anger in a constructive way?
Pack up his shit with that angry energy and give it back to him.
What can I do to change the dynamic in our relationship?
Leave. It will be very different, and better, without him in it.
posted by French Fry at 10:51 AM on April 1, 2015
What can I do to deal with anger in a constructive way?
Pack up his shit with that angry energy and give it back to him.
What can I do to change the dynamic in our relationship?
Leave. It will be very different, and better, without him in it.
posted by French Fry at 10:51 AM on April 1, 2015
« Older No one really cares about a dying rat... | How do I know if I'm actually short of breath, or... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Anger is a difficult emotion but the benefit of anger is that it can lead to clarity. When you get angry, it's pretty easy to pinpoint with laserlike focus exactly what's pissing you off. I myself would be really fucking pissed off if I were expressing a valid concern to a significant other and, instead of being supportive, he told me that my emotions were unhealthy or not constructive. In my opinion, it would be extremely constructive for him to learn to listen to you without making it all about himself.
I think the most constructive thing you can do with your anger is to let it lead you to clarity about your relationship. You are doing everything for everyone and it's important that you too have a support system in place. You are a well that everyone drinks from and you need to give yourself time to replenish your supply.
posted by janey47 at 3:09 PM on March 31, 2015 [2 favorites]