Performance anxiety erection problem.

November 23, 2005 11:23 AM

ErectionFilter: Anyone had performance-anxiety erection issues that they have successfully solved?

I'm 40s, male, married. Over the summer I was drinking way too much and ended up having erection problems (getting and keeping), which then turned into performance anxiety issues. I quit drinking, but also checked things out physically. The problem was psychological. It all magically fixed itself, but for some reason it's raised it's ugly little head again (or rather, it has failed to). I know I'll get over this, and my wife is being very understanding, but if you've had success in getting over such problems I'd love to hear them.

posted by anonymous to health (19 comments total)

Whiskey dick is solved by Viagra. I know a lot of guys way under your age who get performance anxiety and keep a quarter- or half-pill of Viagra around.

Even sans drinking is there really a need to solved this psychologically? If you're in good enough health pop one of the performance-enhancing pills and you should be able to perform for hours. Go see a doctor about this.
posted by geoff. at 11:39 AM on November 23, 2005

Half a cialis will keep you going for 2 days. :)
posted by eas98 at 11:50 AM on November 23, 2005

Those answers are both ridiculous.

Just relax, my man. Or obsess about something else.
posted by jon_kill at 11:54 AM on November 23, 2005

Agree with jon_kill.

For me, the first time after a while has always been difficult. That's entirely due to mental anxiety and the 'rush to finish'. Take some time, fool around a little, have a good laugh or two in the middle of foreplay, and relax about whatever happens.
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:02 PM on November 23, 2005

Ridiculous? Therapy to condition himself out of this would be multiple times more expensive in both monetary and time terms. Not to mention the fact that he's in his 40s and I wouldn't totally discount this being a physical problem. As the cliche goes, "discuss this with your doctor", as I don't think someone telling him to calm down is going to really work. I've personally known people who have had terrible performance anxiety and are otherwise capable that after one or two times with a viagra no longer feared they wouldn't be able to perform. They knew if in the unlikelihood they were to go soft they could always pop another one. This combined with the minimal side-effects of erectile dysfuntion drugs puts Mr. Anonymous square in the "See your GP" category, and I would even bet that his GP would give him a prescription over the phone.
posted by geoff. at 12:05 PM on November 23, 2005

Get more exercise.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:08 PM on November 23, 2005

I don't know that a pill is such a bad idea. I've had two runs in my life where I had a performance problem. Both times the initial failure had a perfectly reasonable physical cause and then the subsequent several issues were anxiety about not repeating the first failure. Once I had a successful encounter I didn't have subsequent anxiety. It's easy to say "just relax" when it's not you.

It can be a very upsetting self-fulfilling prophecy, and if you can pop a pill (and are in okay health to do so with no risk) to get a success under your belt I don't see a problem with it. The dilemma then becomes not believing you need the pill. So if you can do it without it you should but don't feel bad about using a chemical crutch.

For non-chemical assistance you should consider having your encounter after a good night's sleep and in the morning when your cicadian is at full-tilt looking for sex. You can also take a tip from the porn stars and use a little lube and self-action to keep direct stimulation on the john thomas as you lead up to penetration.
posted by phearlez at 12:10 PM on November 23, 2005

Taking any drugs? Anything that lowers blood pressure can do it, even large doses of salmon oil.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:15 PM on November 23, 2005

Doctor weighing in. I suspect if anon thought relaxing was the answer he'd be off rogering the missus and not bothering us.

The therapy that geoff encouraged is actually incredibly common and helpful, and can get people back into the mindset that they can handle the job without meds in no time. FWIW, I see men from 20 to sixty and on with this. One visit is usually all it takes and they're back on their game.

Also, surefire erection killers (long term/permanent) are:

smoking
excess ethanol
untreated high blood pressure.

See your doctor and get an examination.
posted by docpops at 12:52 PM on November 23, 2005

I suggest you take the pressure out of the situation: make it a rule that you're not going to have sex for a month... or three. Spend some time making out, getting her off, giving each other massages, what ever floats your boat. But don't have sex. You won't have performance anxiety if there's no performance, and eventually you'll get aroused. But don't have sex until your pre-agreed upon time is up!

It may take a while, but I'll bet that your physical relationship with your wife will be better for it: you'll be exploring a new way of being intimate.
posted by Specklet at 1:10 PM on November 23, 2005

There's a silver lining to consider, here.

If you got to your 40s before this ever happened to you a single time, then you've got one motherfucking godzilla of a cock on you, mister.

Seriously - the less frequently someone encounters this, the more surprising and it is when it finally happens. I guess people get overconfident when something works perfectly for a long period of time. It only takes one lazy snake to ruin your 100% uptime record, it's true. But remember to give yourself credit for many many solid performances over the years, and recognize that 99.9999% uptime is awesome. Don't let one magician's handkerchief* blow your game - and don't get hung up on perfection.

You could experiment with the drugs but it really doesn't sound like you need them. I'm not saying "just relax," but do give it some time and remind your wife that her understanding and patience are absolutely essential. I went through a 3-week period like this when I was 18. Both before and after the incident I had a lot of some of the best sex of my life, but during that one window it just wasn't happening.

Once she and I both got over it and realized that we'd just have to let it pass - it passed. And never returned.

*Margaret Cho's metaphor for trying to insert a semi-erect penis
posted by scarabic at 1:18 PM on November 23, 2005

I know someone with this problem whose doctor refused to prescribe pills. The doc said pills are only for the physical problem.

He and his lady friend just kept trying. He made a point of telling her that it wasn't her, because sometimes it can hurt a lady's feelings if she doesn't feel as hot as she used to feel. She made a point of telling him that it didn't bother her, because a fella can feel awfully awful himself.

If traditional sex wasn't working out, they'd move on to something else. Getting frustrated about what isn't working doesn't help much. So they found other ways to amuse themselves. Eventually they got past it, without pills or therapy or anything. Just kept trying until they succeeded.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 2:27 PM on November 23, 2005

I have major bad heart disease and drugs were not the answer. What worked for me was exercise, hard vigorous exercise, the kind that forces the heart to grow new cardiovascular arteries. Worked like a charm.

In my book, the erection drugs are too damn dangerous for any male with the possibility of having heart disease, and they should be the solution of last resort.

Note: this does not stop me from making a 500% profit by selling them to the youngsters.
posted by mischief at 3:38 PM on November 23, 2005

A more natural solution is also worth trying:

Forming a circle with your index finger and thumb, circle the base of your flaccid penis and grip it tightly. Work your way up a little bit to enlarge just the head and part of the shaft. Then, you can apply the head of your penis to your wife- either rub her with the head or possibly just small vaginal penetration. Typically, just the sensual feeling of doing this is enough to kickstart the penis into erection. It's just a matter of using the available blood that's there.

I use this to get over whiskey-dick every time. Of course, I'm a youngin', so that may also be in my advantage, but it's worth a shot!
posted by id at 4:49 PM on November 23, 2005

Another vote for the pills. Those things are hella fun.
posted by trevyn at 6:18 PM on November 23, 2005

side question about the pills: dont these things just give you morning, afternoon and evening wood? i mean, once you take one of these things are you walking around like you're on stilts all weekend, unable to pee?

the ads make it seem like they just help you get it up when you need to, but i have a hard (ugh) time believing that's actually the case.
posted by joeblough at 6:54 PM on November 23, 2005

it is
posted by scarabic at 7:33 PM on November 23, 2005

Re: side question - no, it really is just a bit more wind in your sails.

The Patient Information Sheet discusses the mechanism, and says "Sildenafil at recommended doses has no effect in the absence of sexual stimulation." which is, um, confirmed by direct observation in the field.
posted by Triode at 9:23 PM on November 23, 2005

interesting. so i guess the zug.com "viagra in church" thing was really 100% spoof.
posted by joeblough at 2:15 PM on November 24, 2005