Birthday party invitation etiquette
March 26, 2015 9:52 AM Subscribe
I got invited, last minute-ish, to a birthday party for a friend of a friend's daughter. What, if anything, do I bring?
It was a phone call a few days before the event. Her daughter is turning 18. When I asked what I could bring - she, of course, said, "Bring yourself." She said there would be drinks and such for us, while the daughter and her friends are hanging out.
Do I really just bring myself? If I had more time to prepare, I would have thought of something. When I let her know that my schedule was pretty tight, and that I wouldn't be able to make it at that time, she seemed fine with me showing up later.
It was a phone call a few days before the event. Her daughter is turning 18. When I asked what I could bring - she, of course, said, "Bring yourself." She said there would be drinks and such for us, while the daughter and her friends are hanging out.
Do I really just bring myself? If I had more time to prepare, I would have thought of something. When I let her know that my schedule was pretty tight, and that I wouldn't be able to make it at that time, she seemed fine with me showing up later.
The daughter of a friend of a friend? That's a pretty tenuous relationship, and it sounds more like you're birthday-party-adjacent than actually attending her birthday party. I think you can take the host at her word and just bring yourself.
posted by yoink at 9:59 AM on March 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by yoink at 9:59 AM on March 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Gifts are mandatory for a child's birthday party, and optional for an adult's birthday party. Since the child is reaching her majority, technically you don't need to bring anything.
But that's a technicality - you wouldn't actually want to imply "Happy 18th birthday, kid, no presents ever because it turns out Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren't real. Welcome to adulthood."
So yeah, I would bring a nice bunch of flowers and a card. No need to be extravagant whatsoever.
posted by tel3path at 10:13 AM on March 26, 2015
But that's a technicality - you wouldn't actually want to imply "Happy 18th birthday, kid, no presents ever because it turns out Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren't real. Welcome to adulthood."
So yeah, I would bring a nice bunch of flowers and a card. No need to be extravagant whatsoever.
posted by tel3path at 10:13 AM on March 26, 2015
I could see a situation where the daughter is throwing a party with all her friends over, and the mother is resigned to the situation, and having some friends over to keep her from worrying about the fact that there are dozen(s) of teenagers running around her house. Although the event is the daughter's birthday, in some sense you're invited to the mother's parallel party, not to the daughter's party. Of course, if you actually know the daughter, that becomes less likely.
Flowers seem nice. She's turning 18, and it's a nice "here's what adults do for birthdays sometimes" gesture. And if the daughter doesn't like it, maybe her mom will.
posted by aimedwander at 10:21 AM on March 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Flowers seem nice. She's turning 18, and it's a nice "here's what adults do for birthdays sometimes" gesture. And if the daughter doesn't like it, maybe her mom will.
posted by aimedwander at 10:21 AM on March 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
Cookies.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:22 AM on March 26, 2015
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:22 AM on March 26, 2015
Hah, yeah. This is a "we want more adults here thing," but I think flowers are great. "I don't know you, but turning 18 is cool. Have some flowers and stay out of prison!"
posted by rhizome at 10:32 AM on March 26, 2015
posted by rhizome at 10:32 AM on March 26, 2015
If you want to bring a real present, all the 18-year-olds I know just want gift cards. iTunes or Amazon should be fine. Flowers would probably be a nice bonus.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 10:32 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 10:32 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah gift cards are more "Here this is for YOU" than flowers, unless you know she's the flower-liking type. Even a nice card with a $20 inside it would probably be not unappreciated.
posted by jessamyn at 10:33 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 10:33 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would show up with a nice card with $50 inside. Money, it's what all teens want. :)
posted by saradarlin at 10:50 AM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by saradarlin at 10:50 AM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Regardless of what the "rules" of etiquette would otherwise be in this situation, I think that what the host says trump them: "Bring yourself" means "you are not expected to bring anything."
But you do want to bring something, and that's probably fine. If you know the kid pretty well, then something teen friendly like cash or a gift card is probably perfect. If you only know the kid in passing, something a little less substantial-seeming like flowers are fine. If you don't know the kid at all though, large amounts (more than like $10) of money or showy flowers could just seem weird.
Think back to yourself as a teenager, if one of your mom's acquaintances showed up with random [high dollar gift card] or [flowers] for you, even at your birthday party, how would you have felt? (beyond the obvious gratitude -- wouldn't there be a little weirdness, like "who are you and what is this for?")
posted by sparklemotion at 11:00 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
But you do want to bring something, and that's probably fine. If you know the kid pretty well, then something teen friendly like cash or a gift card is probably perfect. If you only know the kid in passing, something a little less substantial-seeming like flowers are fine. If you don't know the kid at all though, large amounts (more than like $10) of money or showy flowers could just seem weird.
Think back to yourself as a teenager, if one of your mom's acquaintances showed up with random [high dollar gift card] or [flowers] for you, even at your birthday party, how would you have felt? (beyond the obvious gratitude -- wouldn't there be a little weirdness, like "who are you and what is this for?")
posted by sparklemotion at 11:00 AM on March 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yep. iTunes gift card and flowers.
Get an actual gift card at a drugstore so it's not just a print-out from an online purchase.
If you don't have generic birthday or blank note card on hand, grab one from the drugstore where you get the iTunes card (nobody cares that it's not Hallmark).
You'll need the note card so you can enclose the gift card in an envelope and tape it to the flowers.
You can skip the vase if you choose; the idea is to not show up empty-handed. Just be sure you have the name (including correct spelling) of the birthday girl, and have the envelope with her name displayed prominently enough that it won't get accidentally trashed with the flower wrappings.
On preview, I'm basically thinking along the same lines as sparklemotion. Keep it simple and inexpensive.
posted by whoiam at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2015
Get an actual gift card at a drugstore so it's not just a print-out from an online purchase.
If you don't have generic birthday or blank note card on hand, grab one from the drugstore where you get the iTunes card (nobody cares that it's not Hallmark).
You'll need the note card so you can enclose the gift card in an envelope and tape it to the flowers.
You can skip the vase if you choose; the idea is to not show up empty-handed. Just be sure you have the name (including correct spelling) of the birthday girl, and have the envelope with her name displayed prominently enough that it won't get accidentally trashed with the flower wrappings.
On preview, I'm basically thinking along the same lines as sparklemotion. Keep it simple and inexpensive.
posted by whoiam at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2015
Best answer: Bring flowers and a voter registration card!
posted by dirtdirt at 11:31 AM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by dirtdirt at 11:31 AM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
As a young person, I personally wouldn't like flowers. A Visa gift card of $20-50 dollars on the other-hand, I would very much appreciate.
posted by thischarmingirl at 1:15 PM on March 26, 2015
posted by thischarmingirl at 1:15 PM on March 26, 2015
Someone got my flowers for my 18th birthday and it actually felt really sweet and grown up. It was the first time anybody ever got me flowers!
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:29 PM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:29 PM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
iTunes gift card for the birthday girl and a bottle of wine for the mom.
posted by myselfasme at 6:05 PM on March 26, 2015
posted by myselfasme at 6:05 PM on March 26, 2015
Spend $10 on flowers or an iTunes card and you are more than fine. Receiving more than that from a stranger would make me incredibly uncomfortable.
Seriously, $50???
posted by gatorae at 6:12 PM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Seriously, $50???
posted by gatorae at 6:12 PM on March 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Someone got my flowers for my 18th birthday and it actually felt really sweet and grown up. It was the first time anybody ever got me flowers!
+1 to this - for me, it was high school graduation and it felt adult in the best way (nobody brings a 15-year-old flowers for her birthday). Plus, it's a gift that mom will probably get to enjoy as well.
posted by R a c h e l at 9:17 AM on March 27, 2015
+1 to this - for me, it was high school graduation and it felt adult in the best way (nobody brings a 15-year-old flowers for her birthday). Plus, it's a gift that mom will probably get to enjoy as well.
posted by R a c h e l at 9:17 AM on March 27, 2015
Have you actually met/hung out with the daughter in question before? If not, I would hesitate to bring a gift for her -- I think at 18 I would have been sort of weirded out if some friend of my mom brought me something extravagent-feeling like flowers or (!) fifty dollars. At most in this situation, I think a token $10 iTunes card or similar would be appropriate, but I really don't think it's necessary. (Bonus of something small like an iTunes card is that if you arrive and it's clear the gift will be weird, you just keep it in your purse and don't pull it out -- if it becomes clear there's a nice minute to share it, you can pull it out.)
On the other hand, for Mom/friend I think an inexpensive bottle of wine or -- if she's not a drinker -- a nice box of tea/coffee beans is a nice gesture, though certainly not a requirement since she said "just bring yourself."
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:07 PM on March 27, 2015
On the other hand, for Mom/friend I think an inexpensive bottle of wine or -- if she's not a drinker -- a nice box of tea/coffee beans is a nice gesture, though certainly not a requirement since she said "just bring yourself."
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:07 PM on March 27, 2015
A gift card is great. Just a heads up on the iTunes card. I personally wouldn't go iTunes card specifically unless you know she has an iPhone or uses iTunes to buy music. My boyfriend is younger than me, and his friends are all younger than him (A couple aren't US drinking age yet) and none of them have an iPhone and only two or three of about ten actually use iTunes. I mean, she could still use the card of course, it's not like specific to iPhone, but we all agreed we wouldn't want to install iTunes just to use the card, which is a requirement of iTunes. None of them really like iTunes at all. It'd be way easier to just buy tracks off Amazon than to install it. So unless you know if she uses iTunes, you're better off going generic Visa giftcard or Amazon or something she might prefer to use. It's just easier when you don't know.
I think flowers is a great idea, and I second that it would feel sweet and grown up. I personally wouldn't be weirded out, because it's a gesture of thanks for being invited, more than a real gift for me personally. You could do flowers and some nice chocolates, or add a gift card. I agree more than $20 is not needed.
posted by Dimes at 7:14 AM on March 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think flowers is a great idea, and I second that it would feel sweet and grown up. I personally wouldn't be weirded out, because it's a gesture of thanks for being invited, more than a real gift for me personally. You could do flowers and some nice chocolates, or add a gift card. I agree more than $20 is not needed.
posted by Dimes at 7:14 AM on March 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by handful of rain at 9:54 AM on March 26, 2015 [8 favorites]