Help me love
March 24, 2015 6:33 AM Subscribe
Guys, I’ve gotten off track. I’ve lost my way. And I’m worried that I won’t get to be in love again because it scares me.
I think my big problem is that, at heart, I am a very risk-averse person. So, unfortunately, at least part of me has decided that relationships are a threat. To be totally honest, I think this is a logical conclusion. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that came pretty close to ruining my life at the time -- certainly those few years were almost a complete loss in terms of doing anything for myself. And my earlier major relationship was even more terrifying. Though not abusive, for almost a decade I was with someone, and when it ended he was so hurtful and mean that I felt like he was actually trying to destroy me. I don’t want to get into the details, exactly, but cheating, lying and just horribleness occurred, and I really thought he was my best friend.
On the other hand, my life as a single person is nice! My career is awesome! I am happy and content and relaxed. I also am almost 40, haven’t been in a real relationship for like 6 years, and I would like to be, despite the way that I behave.
Oh, and how do I behave? Not well. I either date people who are completely non-threatening, which doesn’t work because it’s pretty imbalanced, and they never really get me. Or I try to date someone who I have earnest this-could-work-out feelings about and I freak out. In this case, freaking out involves doing anything I can to drive them away so I can get back to my happy (?) single-lady life. I am skittish as hell. I am panicky. I really feel like I am under attack and need to do whatever I can to stay safe. And I am 100 percent successful in keeping any potential romantic love away from me. This sucks.
I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t deal with my self-sabotage any longer, and am looking for a therapist in earnest. But is there anything helpful you guys can recommend in the meantime? Like, meditations, books, exercises, movies? What can I do to be less broken?
I think my big problem is that, at heart, I am a very risk-averse person. So, unfortunately, at least part of me has decided that relationships are a threat. To be totally honest, I think this is a logical conclusion. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that came pretty close to ruining my life at the time -- certainly those few years were almost a complete loss in terms of doing anything for myself. And my earlier major relationship was even more terrifying. Though not abusive, for almost a decade I was with someone, and when it ended he was so hurtful and mean that I felt like he was actually trying to destroy me. I don’t want to get into the details, exactly, but cheating, lying and just horribleness occurred, and I really thought he was my best friend.
On the other hand, my life as a single person is nice! My career is awesome! I am happy and content and relaxed. I also am almost 40, haven’t been in a real relationship for like 6 years, and I would like to be, despite the way that I behave.
Oh, and how do I behave? Not well. I either date people who are completely non-threatening, which doesn’t work because it’s pretty imbalanced, and they never really get me. Or I try to date someone who I have earnest this-could-work-out feelings about and I freak out. In this case, freaking out involves doing anything I can to drive them away so I can get back to my happy (?) single-lady life. I am skittish as hell. I am panicky. I really feel like I am under attack and need to do whatever I can to stay safe. And I am 100 percent successful in keeping any potential romantic love away from me. This sucks.
I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t deal with my self-sabotage any longer, and am looking for a therapist in earnest. But is there anything helpful you guys can recommend in the meantime? Like, meditations, books, exercises, movies? What can I do to be less broken?
I always recommend this book for re-occurring patterns (schema) of behavior. It helps you break down the thinking / feeling / reacting cycle that keeps you locked in self defeating patterns. Forgive the self-helpy title; it is actually based on years of research.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:03 AM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:03 AM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
I know how it feels to have such dysfunctional life ruining relationships and to terrified and insecure about your ability to be vulnerable and whether you will ever find someone who you'll connect with.
I had damaging relationships that culminated in a very horrible marriage. I spent 2 years trying to make that relationship work and came out of it totally broken but also really strong. I bet you don't give yourself enough credit for what you've gone through. You still want to find love and after what you've been through that's really brave.
The only advice I can really give, is no matter how scary it is, don't give up. It's not your fault that you had abusive significant others and don't beat yourself up (sorry for the phrasing) for being scared.
The first thing I did was to really look at the things I didn't do for myself when in those relationships. I was codependent and I was so miserable inside. I started to work on loving myself and being my own advocate. It sounds like you've really done that so it's a great start.
I dated casually for 2 years after my marriage ended and I didn't meet anyone that seemed right for me. One thing I did do: I didn't let myself explore relationships with men that matched any of the men I had previously been with. Although the men I dated all seemed different I did have a type. I went for men that were 'caretakers' but were actually manipulative and self obsessed. It took a lot of self reflection but I made more of an effort to really look at the guys I was attracted to and to not let myself fall back into that habit.
The man I'm with now is so incredible and I'm glad I worked through the fear. He is not like anyone I dated before. He cares for me, he helps me be a better person. For most of the two years I felt lonely and a few times I did go for the wrong guy, but in the end I followed my gut. I still struggle with the feeling I don't deserve this healthy relationship, and that I don't deserve this amazing person. But I do. I'm not sure I'll ever be without inner demons but when you go through something, like you and I have, it changes you. I try to let it make me stronger. You can too.
The fact that you're so aware is really a good thing. You know what you need to focus on and I think therapy is really going to help you with that. You need someone in your corner.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had damaging relationships that culminated in a very horrible marriage. I spent 2 years trying to make that relationship work and came out of it totally broken but also really strong. I bet you don't give yourself enough credit for what you've gone through. You still want to find love and after what you've been through that's really brave.
The only advice I can really give, is no matter how scary it is, don't give up. It's not your fault that you had abusive significant others and don't beat yourself up (sorry for the phrasing) for being scared.
The first thing I did was to really look at the things I didn't do for myself when in those relationships. I was codependent and I was so miserable inside. I started to work on loving myself and being my own advocate. It sounds like you've really done that so it's a great start.
I dated casually for 2 years after my marriage ended and I didn't meet anyone that seemed right for me. One thing I did do: I didn't let myself explore relationships with men that matched any of the men I had previously been with. Although the men I dated all seemed different I did have a type. I went for men that were 'caretakers' but were actually manipulative and self obsessed. It took a lot of self reflection but I made more of an effort to really look at the guys I was attracted to and to not let myself fall back into that habit.
The man I'm with now is so incredible and I'm glad I worked through the fear. He is not like anyone I dated before. He cares for me, he helps me be a better person. For most of the two years I felt lonely and a few times I did go for the wrong guy, but in the end I followed my gut. I still struggle with the feeling I don't deserve this healthy relationship, and that I don't deserve this amazing person. But I do. I'm not sure I'll ever be without inner demons but when you go through something, like you and I have, it changes you. I try to let it make me stronger. You can too.
The fact that you're so aware is really a good thing. You know what you need to focus on and I think therapy is really going to help you with that. You need someone in your corner.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Therapy was the biggest help for me (and I had to try more than one to find someone that clicked for me). I also found The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook helpful, too.
Simple mindfulness meditation also helped me realize how much of my mental monologue was spent on negative self image and combat that. You deserve love and all sorts of good stuff - go you for setting out to help yourself!
posted by ldthomps at 10:38 AM on March 24, 2015
Simple mindfulness meditation also helped me realize how much of my mental monologue was spent on negative self image and combat that. You deserve love and all sorts of good stuff - go you for setting out to help yourself!
posted by ldthomps at 10:38 AM on March 24, 2015
You sound so much like me after I left a horrible, terrible relationship. And to be honest, you kinda sound a lot like how I am now. (I tend to be risk-friendly, though, and I can't say that the other end of the spectrum is better.) So, some things I've found that help me, and that I hope can help you:
- "my life as a single person is nice! My career is awesome! I am happy and content and relaxed"
Excellent. Remember to acknowledge this, and how far you've come, and to cherish the things that allow you to feel this way. Don't lose touch with those things. Tend them.
- "part of me has decided that relationships are a threat. To be totally honest, I think this is a logical conclusion."
Yes, it is. You (your head, heart, and body) are telling yourself you're not ready for something that has both the reward of love and the risk of loss or dysfunction. That is normal. You are keeping yourself safe, for now, until you're ready. This is ok.
- "I’m worried that I won’t get to be in love again because it scares me."
No shit. Love--capital L--is scary. Even for people who feel whole, safe, and gung-ho. Look for things and people you *can* love and accept love from. For me this has meant my kids. Loving them has been like keeping the water trickling so my poor, rusty pipes won't burst. If I hadn't had them, or a beloved pet, or a dear friend, I think I would have shut down completely. So, is there someone in your life--a grandparent you can tend, a pet you can love, a sibling or nieces or nephews--who you can dote on? This will help you find the ways it's comfortable for you to love and give and be open to being loved back in a safe way. Besides my kids, I have a dear friend about 15 years older than I am, and I actually have gotten a funny crush on her because I just love her and love her way and want more of her kinda thang to be in the world. It's sweet and reminds me I'm loving.
- "freaking out involves doing anything I can to drive them away so I can get back to my happy (?) single-lady life"
While you're not in a relationship or dating, see if you can list what those things are. I myself sometimes do stuff that dares someone to dump me, just to prove either that they don't really care for me, or to reassure myself they do. Having some perspective outside of a relationship in motion means I've been able to see some behaviors and "tell on myself" about them. Sometimes that means I remind myself, "Hey, cocoa, it's two months and now's the time you start backing off to see if they like you enough to pursue you. Or coming on hot and heavy to see how much of you they can take before they get claustrophobic. So how about for the next month you make plans twice a week to go out once with friends and once alone (movie, live music, the gym, etc.)?" That sort of thing helps me "coast" through an anxiety and dysfunctional period while also maintaining healthy habits.
- Lastly, meditate, meditate, meditate (and yeah, therapy). But meditate. I practice metta meditation and it is the loveliest, easiest, most forgiving meditation out there. Master practitioners say, "It's great to fall asleep to!" so I don't even feel like I have to maintain consciousness. (Take that zazen.) This has helped me with situational anxiety and a more generalize worry that I'm broken. I'm not. You're not. We're fine. We're doing what we need to do. Weather conditions change. We bend, we bow. When the weather changes we'll bloom and grow. And do it all again if we need to.
posted by cocoagirl at 11:28 AM on March 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
- "my life as a single person is nice! My career is awesome! I am happy and content and relaxed"
Excellent. Remember to acknowledge this, and how far you've come, and to cherish the things that allow you to feel this way. Don't lose touch with those things. Tend them.
- "part of me has decided that relationships are a threat. To be totally honest, I think this is a logical conclusion."
Yes, it is. You (your head, heart, and body) are telling yourself you're not ready for something that has both the reward of love and the risk of loss or dysfunction. That is normal. You are keeping yourself safe, for now, until you're ready. This is ok.
- "I’m worried that I won’t get to be in love again because it scares me."
No shit. Love--capital L--is scary. Even for people who feel whole, safe, and gung-ho. Look for things and people you *can* love and accept love from. For me this has meant my kids. Loving them has been like keeping the water trickling so my poor, rusty pipes won't burst. If I hadn't had them, or a beloved pet, or a dear friend, I think I would have shut down completely. So, is there someone in your life--a grandparent you can tend, a pet you can love, a sibling or nieces or nephews--who you can dote on? This will help you find the ways it's comfortable for you to love and give and be open to being loved back in a safe way. Besides my kids, I have a dear friend about 15 years older than I am, and I actually have gotten a funny crush on her because I just love her and love her way and want more of her kinda thang to be in the world. It's sweet and reminds me I'm loving.
- "freaking out involves doing anything I can to drive them away so I can get back to my happy (?) single-lady life"
While you're not in a relationship or dating, see if you can list what those things are. I myself sometimes do stuff that dares someone to dump me, just to prove either that they don't really care for me, or to reassure myself they do. Having some perspective outside of a relationship in motion means I've been able to see some behaviors and "tell on myself" about them. Sometimes that means I remind myself, "Hey, cocoa, it's two months and now's the time you start backing off to see if they like you enough to pursue you. Or coming on hot and heavy to see how much of you they can take before they get claustrophobic. So how about for the next month you make plans twice a week to go out once with friends and once alone (movie, live music, the gym, etc.)?" That sort of thing helps me "coast" through an anxiety and dysfunctional period while also maintaining healthy habits.
- Lastly, meditate, meditate, meditate (and yeah, therapy). But meditate. I practice metta meditation and it is the loveliest, easiest, most forgiving meditation out there. Master practitioners say, "It's great to fall asleep to!" so I don't even feel like I have to maintain consciousness. (Take that zazen.) This has helped me with situational anxiety and a more generalize worry that I'm broken. I'm not. You're not. We're fine. We're doing what we need to do. Weather conditions change. We bend, we bow. When the weather changes we'll bloom and grow. And do it all again if we need to.
posted by cocoagirl at 11:28 AM on March 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Well, I can totally relate. I don't know if this is helpful, but it's what I've been thinking about lately.
We don't have to accept the locked-in terms of lifelong monogamy. Do you want kids (or more, if applicable)? If not, you're free(er) to make whatever arrangements make sense to you. (You're free anyway, depending on your resources; it's just easier without kids in the picture.) You can have a long-term relationship with someone and not ever move in together or share a bank account.
You now (obviously) know leaving is possible, at any time, and you know you really can handle things on your own. So let that be your assurance and insurance, rather than what you do in the first instance.
Trust is the hard thing. You can spot a red flag a mile away, right? How do you know someone's not going to flip a switch and turn into a nightmare? It's time to learn to look for signs of stability and good nature. What are their relationships with their parents and sibs like? How do they treat (or talk about) their exes? Who are their friends? What are their commitments? There are a few posts on this in AskMe (like these. Also see Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, which I think has great advice on recalibrating screwy metrics). There are also posts (just yesterday, I think - yes) on examples and models of good relationships. It can be hard to believe, but they definitely happen. I think it will help to work on changing beliefs about that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:04 PM on March 24, 2015
We don't have to accept the locked-in terms of lifelong monogamy. Do you want kids (or more, if applicable)? If not, you're free(er) to make whatever arrangements make sense to you. (You're free anyway, depending on your resources; it's just easier without kids in the picture.) You can have a long-term relationship with someone and not ever move in together or share a bank account.
You now (obviously) know leaving is possible, at any time, and you know you really can handle things on your own. So let that be your assurance and insurance, rather than what you do in the first instance.
Trust is the hard thing. You can spot a red flag a mile away, right? How do you know someone's not going to flip a switch and turn into a nightmare? It's time to learn to look for signs of stability and good nature. What are their relationships with their parents and sibs like? How do they treat (or talk about) their exes? Who are their friends? What are their commitments? There are a few posts on this in AskMe (like these. Also see Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, which I think has great advice on recalibrating screwy metrics). There are also posts (just yesterday, I think - yes) on examples and models of good relationships. It can be hard to believe, but they definitely happen. I think it will help to work on changing beliefs about that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:04 PM on March 24, 2015
I just wanted to point out this framing "I either date people who are completely non-threatening, which doesn’t work because it’s pretty imbalanced, and they never really get me." relative to your history with an abusive partner, and make specific mention of the implication that a partner who is not a 'threat' is not a realistic choice of person.
posted by softlord at 8:31 AM on March 29, 2015
posted by softlord at 8:31 AM on March 29, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by oliverburkeman at 7:06 AM on March 24, 2015